InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Mistakes ❯ Crawling ( Chapter 2 )

-Blanket disclaimer- I do not own InuYasha nor Lincoln Park. I wish I owned them both…then I could buy myself a house…in every freaking state.

<Four years later>

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal

The sun poured through the dimly lit room like liquid gold, illuminating everything it touched. Kissing the foot of her bed, the rays of light sleeked their way up the dark blue down comforter and fell upon the face of the sleeping angel. A loud groan echoed the empty room as the owner of the bed sat up roughly and swatted at the rays as if they were annoying pests that could be smote so easily. With a loud yawn, the girl put a hand to her head and slowly stood up. Kicking an empty bottle of Malabo out of her path, she stalked towards the other side of her room. "To fuckin early…much to fuckin early." She reached her window, nearly tripping over the other collection of empty bottles that cluttered her floor and grabbed her black shades. Trying to pull them shut to block out the light, she stumbled forward yet caught herself on the wooden frame of her White French cut balcony doors. "Fuckin sun ruining people's mornings," she sneered as she put one hand on the glass pane and glared outside. Cars filled the Manhattan streets and people crowded the street, everyone rushing around like animals to get to work, working like ants…working like drones. `Pathetic…absolutely pathetic.'

The girl yawned again and looked back at her bed. Her large plush canopy bed was empty. She blinked and rubbed her eyes. `Didn't I come home with someone last night…Bobby, wasn't it?' she walked back to the bed and looked down, rubbing her eyes trying to remember. With a deep sigh, she shrugged and made a face. `Not like it matters.' she looked to the floor and tilted her head. She picked up an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and looked it over carefully. Crinkling her nose, she sneered, "yeah, Bobby. He drinks this shit to get wasted fast." She rolled her eyes and threw the bottle over her shoulder. Her room was a crowded wreck…bottles cluttered the floor with empty packs of cigarettes and the room itself reeked of sex…another hint towards a night companion. `He'll call by next week…not that it matters.'

She walked to the mirror and ran a brush through her ear length cropped black hair. Sometimes when she caught her reflection, the length of her hair would shock her…she had never had short hair before. It had been more of a sporadic thing then a drunk thing she had convinced herself. She had looked in the same mirror a little over a year ago, in a drunken stupor, and saw something she didn't like; she saw her…that bitch. No matter where she went, that bitch's reflection followed her. The girl she had thought dead…the girl she wished dead…the girl she had tried to kill. She could fool her `friends' into seeing someone else, she could fool her family into believing she had changed…she could sure as hell fool strangers and make them see the person she wanted them to see…yet when she stared into the mirror, no matter how hard she tried, Kagome Higurashi stared back and she was never going to go away…never let her forget. She wanted to see something else…see someone else in the mirror. In a sheer act of desperation, she had taken scissors to her hair, cutting off a good foot before she realized what she did. She resorted, once she was sober, to going to Beguia on 45th and 6th to have them professionally chop off the rest of her hair. `Mother would be shocked,' she thought as she turned to examine the shape of her hair in the mirror. `No, she would be more shocked at the color.'

The color. The color had been a drunken thing; there was no way around that knowledge. First, at Beguia, they had given her dark red highlights, which contrasted beautifully with her raven hair. After that, the blood red didn't do it. She added dark blue to other strands of her hair…then purple to her bangs…then some random couple strands sported neon green. Yes, it was definite; her mother would have her head if she ever saw the artwork that lived on Kagome's head. Her mother would ask why she did it…why she chopped off her beautiful silk like hair. Her answer was simple. After cutting it, when she looked in the mirror she saw to many similarities between her and Yura the hair demon; the shape was similar and the way it formed on her face…it was to similar…and when she saw Yuri, she remembered him and their first battle together. `Inu…' she stopped her line of thought immediately. Her mouth went dry at the bare thought of him.

Fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

Kagome walked into her closet and pulled out a pair of leather pants that she had bought for the clubs about three months prior. Grabbing a blood-red spaghetti strapped tank top that had black lace covering parts of it; she put it into her pile of clothes and walked out of her giant closet. Throwing them into her bathroom, she walked back to her bedroom. Her message machine was blinking…it was always blinking. Slowly she sat down on her bed and stared at the evil red flashing light of Satan. She knew what the messages would entail of and she didn't want to hear it again. Same pattern…never changing. She sighed again, knowing she had to catch up on what was going on. With a hesitant touch, she pushed the button. The messages went in a very familiar heart wrenching order. The first was three months old…and it was her mother…as always. Kagome put her head in her hands listening to her mother's frail and worried voice. "Kagome, it's been five weeks since you've called me…I wanted to make sure everything was okay. Please honey, I know you're busy with friends and all, but if you could call me when you get this…. Kagome, I have a bill here from your credit card…I want to talk to you about it. Please call me. I love you." it always started that nice.

Then tradition followed. The next five messages were one night stands looking for another free ride. Kagome gagged listening to their pathetic pleas for her to return their calls. `All wastes of life…all of them.' she deleted most before they got a chance to start. She didn't want to hear their voices, didn't want to remember the nights. Countless nights; Countless times of trying to feel something…anything. Tapping her black polished nails on the bed, she reached into her nightstand and lit up a cigarette as the ritual continued.

After five messages from the boys, it went back to her mother. "Kagome…honey…we need to talk. Please, call me Kagome. You know it's not easy for me to get to the city to see you. Souta's leaving for school next week…he wants to see you before he starts college. Please Kagome…please call me. I miss you…I'm sorry if you're mad at me. Kagome, it's been two months… I'm still getting these bills…Kagome; you've maxed out your credit cards…we need to talk about this. Call me. I love you…I do…so does grandpa and Souta…and we miss you. If you're near Lock Haven, please call me. I want to see you. I love you…. bye."

Kagome bit down the bitter taste forming in her throat and stood slowly. She put her cigarette out in the ceramic ashtray on her nightstand. She stretched her back, then reached down and touched her toes. Staring straight ahead, she focused on a spot on the wall instead of listening to another six messages from more one-nighters. Staring at the spot, she put her hands above her head and bent backwards, executing a perfect back-walkover. `Can't have been to smashed…not a bad hangover.' She cracked her neck after doing one more then sighed. She started deleting the messages, hardly listening to the sound of the voices until one stopped her dead.

"Kagome…its Souta. Look…you need to call mom. Gramps is sick…he's really sick. Doctors don't think he's going to make it. Kagome…get off your drunken ass and at least pretend to give a goddamn. Shit Kagome, this is bullshit! Mom has been paying off your fuckin credit cards…your fucking maxed out credit cards. Kagome…you have over five thousand dollars of alcohol on these things. What the hell is wrong with you? Call mom…now! We care about you, sis, but you know what, you need to help yourself. There's rehab Kagome…there's always hope. Look, I might have been to young when you came back from the feudal era and this shit began…but it's been four years Kagome. Four years. Get the hell over it. Call mom, you lazy bitch, and then get your ass up here to see me. I miss my sister…and it would be good to see a friendly face…I hate this stupid all boy's boarding school. What the hell was mom thinking, moving to America? Call mom."

Kagome stared at the message machine for countless minutes. `Was that really Souta? Was that really my baby brother? He sounds so…grown up. Where is that eight-year-old boy who followed me around and wanted to be like…him….? Where did these past seven years go?' she blinked once and walked out to her kitchen. `To hell…that's where they went. Seven years…seven fucking years. All to hell…with Kikyo…and…and….' she blinked once, feeling tears beginning to gather in her eyes. "Fuck, not yet! I'm not going to blubber out here!"

She grabbed her last bottle of Bud Light from her empty refrigerator and popped the top on her marble countertop. She blinked once then downed the bottle in a matter of seconds. She had learned the art of chugging from the frat parties she went to when they moved here; when she still tried to go to school. She had tried…and failed…miserably. She had been academically dismissed for her grades…and the fact that she had four cases of Smirnoff vodka in her dorm room when it was a dry campus. Shaking her head, she threw the bottle into the overflowing recycling can. She frowned and walked into the bathroom, sliding off her tight baby-tee and boy short underwear. She climbed into the cold shower and shivered until her body adjusted to the temp. The shower was the only thing in her life that made her feel something. Even if it was uncomfortable, at least she felt something.

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing

Kagome felt her knees slowly start to give out on her in the shower and she let gravity do it's magic. She sunk slowly down the black marble wall of her shower, curling her knees into her chest. Tears and hysterical sobs followed her decent. Slowly yet non-to gently, she banged her head back into the tile. Sobs racked her body as she screwed her eyes shut and cried for everything. Cried for her lost friends, her abandoned friends…she cried for the news of her grandfather…she cried for the sorrow in her mother's voice, the anger in her brother's voice. She cried for what her life had become…what she had become. She cried for the fact that she didn't remember who she brought home the night before…she cried for how much pain she had caused on her family. Most of all, she cried for him. She cried for the four years without him by her side, she cried for the three and a half long years she wanted to relive every day but couldn't. She cried to cry…she cried for her life. She cried for the girl in her heart that she had killed when she slit her wrists.

Routine continued, nothing new.

This lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling…I can't seem

To find myself again

Kagome pulled herself out of her shower, ignoring the razor that was perched on her countertop. She had stared day in and day out at that razor. It would be so easy…she had done it once she could do it again. Blinking, the memories that overtook her were powerful enough to send her to the tiled floor.

FLASHBACK

Kagome opened her eyes slowly; the blinding light was painful and seemed to be right in her face. She could hear voices calling to her…yet they seemed so distant. `is this heaven?' her eyes shot open at that thought. When she transitioned from thought to spoken words, she didn't know, but everyone who was in her room understood what she said. "I'm not supposed to be in heaven! No, this can't be right! I need to be in hell…I need to be with him! No, this isn't right! I can't be here…I need to be with him! I need to be with InuYasha. I can't be with him if I'm here…he's in hell! I need to be with him!"

She felt someone grabbing her arm…pulling her back down. Was he pulling her to hell? Yes. She felt something jab her in her arm and the tears were instant. The shadows began to take shape into blobs of color…one blob in particular was stroking her hair and telling her to hush. That blob was crying hysterically. A major part of Kagome died there…when she figured out the blob was her mother.

It had taken major amounts of sedatives for Kagome to finally relax. The state it put her in…unresponsive and apathetic…it never wore off. They had saved her. The motherfuckers had saved her. Her mother had gotten home as Kagome had walked out of the house. Seeing the knife, Kagome's mother began to run to her. Souta called the police. She had thought they were too late…she had thought wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

End Flashback

Kagome stood on weary legs as she pulled herself off the floor. With a deep breath, she finished her routine. Dotting her face with a pale foundation…not that she needed it but it helped keep the pale look alive on her face. She traced her eyes in her heavy black mascara and put on dark blue eye shadow with a slight layer of a white glimmer shine over it. She put on her dark rouge lipstick and then brushed her teeth. She grabbed her rings and slowly put them in. one eyebrow ring she had gotten done with Ayumi before she left Tokyo…her tongue ring some guy, Brian she believed, had convinced her to get so it would be better when she went down on him…then her earrings. She had six piercings lining each ear, four that had been done in the last six months. She also had a belly button ring, but that never came out.

After she was done getting dressed, she grabbed her black bag and made her way from her apartment. She needed to get out…the air in the apartment was stifling. Glancing at the clock on the nearest wall, it was four o'clock in the afternoon. `Well…I guess it was a late night.' She shrugged and inhaled deeply. She caught the orange line from Battery Park, where her mother had bought her an apartment, to uptown. She felt like walking around.

My walls are closing in
without a sense of confidence

And I'm convinced that

There's just too much pressure to take

Kagome strolled down 42sd Street, watching the tourists with a grin plastered to her face. She had been that amazed to, on her first visit to the city. Her mother asked Kagome when she was in the hospital what she could do to make Kagome's pain go away. There was nothing she could do, Kagome had told her, except move halfway around the world to get away from it all. And that is what they did; to Queens, to be exact. Her mother took on a second job to cover the rent of the ratty apartment they were staying in. that's when her families luck changed. Her mother won the New York Lottery after a year and a half of living in filth. It was amazing. Taking it all in a lump sum of one hundred and twenty million dollars, Kagome's mother bought a house in lock Haven and moved there almost immediately. Kagome didn't want to live the city. Somehow, it made her feel safe. Maybe cause it was like Tokyo…maybe because it was wild, like the Sengoku Jidai. Something made her feel at home there, and she was not giving that up. Her mother purchased her an apartment in Battery Park; one of the very few locations Mrs. Higurashi would let her eighteen-year-old daughter live by herself in.

Kagome walked slowly down the business sidewalk, taking in the air and life of the city. It made her smile and that was a rare commodity. She never smiled. Never. It had to be in the air…maybe the carbon monoxide? She shook her head and continued strolling down the sidewalk, her eyes cast high into the blue sky, looking to glass skyscrapers that did just that.

I've felt this way before
so insecure

Kagome paused at a street corner and shifted her right leg, trying to stretch the leather across her kneecap where it was bunching. She heard someone behind her at the street vendor store begin to cough violently. Rolling her eyes, she tried to focus on the little man on the walk sign. She looked behind her over her right shoulder to find a man wiping down the front of his black trench coat, trying to rid the coffee he had no doubt choked on off of it. She smirked and looked back at the walkway smugly. That's when life took another twist of unfortunate events.

As the little man in the box turned white for it to be safe to walk into the yellow sea, a hand reached out and wrapped around her wrist. She growled, unintentionally, and turned swiftly around. It was the coffee guy. But there was something…something so familiar that it scared her about him. He had his trench coat, sure, but he also had sunglasses that tinted his eyes from the views of others. He had shorter black hair, gelled back. He looked like someone plucked him out of little Italy…but he wasn't Italian. But there was something else…she could feel it, whether she wanted to or not. It wasn't just the trench coat or the glasses…or the overly expensive loafers on his feet or the Armani suit under the coat. He was the two jewel shards in his legs. "Kagome?"

Kagome tensed as she turned to look at the physical memory of her past. `I have to be dreaming him…am I still asleep? There is no way that Kouga is still alive…'

The man reached up and ripped off his sunglasses, his sparkling cobalt blue eyes wide in utter shock and confusion. He stumbled over his words worse then a pup trying to walk. "But you're…how are…what…what the hell?"

Kagome chewed on her lip for a second before giving him the most disgusted look she could muster. "Do I know you?" she knew it was flimsy and if the wolf had gained any brains over the past five hundred years, he would have seen right through it…but maybe…maybe he would go away if he thought himself wrong. She ripped her hand out of his stunned grasp and rolled her eyes. "you shouldn't grab people you don't know, asshole."

Kouga took a step back and his eyes darted over her body quickly. taking a step closer, he sniffed the air around them. Kagome tried to hold in her jitters and turned around swiftly and put a foot into the street. Kouga took a step closer and held out a hand to her. "Kagome…how are you still alive? You…Its…but the last time I saw you was…."

Kagome stopped dead in the street and closed her eyes. `not today…god not today.' Turning slowly, she narrowed her eyes, "I don't know why you're still taking to me…" she looked him dead in his beautiful eyes, "you don't know me!" it wasn't like she was lying, he didn't know her now…he didn't know who she had become…what she had become.

Kouga grabbed her shoulder and pulled her from the street and turned her around to face him. He seemed…perplexed…concerned…confused. He ran two fingers down her cheek and she quickly retreated a foot back as if his touch had been acid. He suddenly looked so…sad. His magnificent blue eyes…the eyes that could light up a room…dimmed as he looked at her. "What happened to you?"

Kagome winched. She didn't mean to but she couldn't help it. She blinked away tears and turned a cold shoulder to the wolf. She didn't know if he meant where did she go in the past or what she did to herself. Neither one did she wish to answer. He wouldn't understand. No one would.

Impatient of waiting, curious of her answers, and completely stumped, he grabbed her shoulder again. "Kagome?"

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Kagome looked over her shoulder at the wolf demon. "Kagome's dead…let her go."

Crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

Kouga pulled Kagome around to stare at him and put a hand on each of her bare shoulders. "The hell you are…I can smell your scent Kagome…you think that's something I would soon forget? The scent of the woman I was so head over heels in love with? The woman I gave my heart to regardless of how many times she crushed it? the…"

Kagome got angry…she got real angry real fast. Her miko powers crackled like static electricity and Kouga jumped back, his hands singed from the preemptive attack. She took a step towards the demon, fire burning in her dead brown eyes. "Who the hell do you think you are? Coming around here digging up the fucking past…its over, it was over five hundred years ago. Get over it! You never loved me Kouga, you were infatuated with me. There was a difference between love and what you held for me."

Kouga stepped up to meet her head on. "are you talking about the difference of my love or the difference between me and InuYasha?" the minute the name left his mouth, he saw…and understood. It was like watching someone rip a sheet of paper…except this was her heart. Her pupils dilated and the color drained away from her face. She swallowed hard and looked away, closing her eyes for a moment. Kouga tenderly put a hand on her shoulder and looked deep into her eyes. "Kagome…I have so many questions…how are you still alive? Why…why did you do this to yourself? You look so…different. Kagome, how could you do this to yourself…look at you!"

Kagome pulled away from him, eyes downcast. She couldn't meet his gaze…she couldn't let him see the pain in her eyes. With as much venom as she could work up, she snapped back, "Spare me."

Kouga frowned and crossed his arms. "Kagome, you should be dead by all rights. You're a human…and yet here you are in front of me…five hundred years later. How…how are you still here? Does it have to do with Kikyo?" he blinked when he saw the rage boil in Kagome's eyes after he mentioned her name. Quickly, he shifted topics; "I looked for you after Naraku was defeated…after InuYasha died…"

Kagome let out a rugged breath of air as she felt her chest constrict. She had never said those two words together out loud or heard them spoken…she had never verbally acknowledged his death. The thought made her ill…the words churned her stomach. She reached out and put her hand on a garbage can, trying to catch her balance. It was as if the earth beneath her feet shifted and was attempting to swallow her whole. `InuYasha.' She blinked away tears as she tightened her grip on the garbage can, clinging to it like she tried to cling to her sanity.

Kouga reached out and wrapped an arm around her waist, helping her keep her balance. He realized, watching her face, what he just said and wanted to thump himself for it. With a sigh, he realized he was missing something important in everything that had happened and he was beginning understands that it was bigger then he first thought. He helped her to a set of chairs outside of a café and sat her down in one iron chair. Ordering two coffees, he pulled a chair around to sit next to her. Feeling utterly helpless, he rubbed her shoulders as she stared out into the dead of day…into the abyss of nothingness. "Kagome?" Kagome turned slowly to look at Kouga and blinked slowly. She watched his eye carefully as the realization of her anguish wash over him. He blanched then put his lips to her forehead in a friendly gesture. "Kagome, me and my fucking mouth, I'm sorry…I didn't mean…I am so sorry. That was insensitive of me."

Kagome blinked again and a very small smile crept to her lips, despite the agony and depression that filled her eyes. "Since when have you ever known anything about being insensitive, or for that matter, cared about it Kouga?"

Kouga laughed and ran a hand through his slick hair. "Since I had kids."

Kagome sputtered over words for a moment then sat up straight. "You have kids? You…Kouga, prince of the wolf demon tribe with tots?"

Kouga gave her a funny look and glanced around before looking back at her, his eyes a little wider. "Cut it with the wolf demon tribe stuff. People would lock me up if they thought…if they knew…Kagome, come on. Yes, I have…" he made a face and began counting on his fingers…numerous times…. "I have thirty five kids…two who still live at home and a baby on the way…I have ninety-eight grandkids…with eight on the way…uhh….three hundred and eighty seven…nine…no…eight, eighty eight great grand kids and I can't count from there. But of my offspring, I have thirty five…soon to be six." He grinned at her awestruck look. "Aayme loves to carry pups…it's her goal to repopulate the world with our tribe…and we've done a helluva good job too." he patted her knee and gave her a wide smile, trying to cheer her up.

Kagome smiled once then looked out to the street. She wanted to ask so many questions…know so many things. Her heart raced for the first time in four years with the yearning to know what happened to her friends…to her family. She couldn't believe he…Kouga…was a father. `God, what has this world come to?' "Kouga…what…" she blinked once and sighed. `do I really want anymore heartache? Can I really stand to know anything dreadful that happened to my friends? Miroku…Sango…Shippo? Could I really hear it?' fighting against her better judgment, she licked her dry lips and hoarsely asked, "what happened to Sango and Miroku? To Shippo and Kirara? Did they…how did they…." Her voice fell away and she looked down to the ground.

Kouga patted her hands then took them into his own, as he had done so many times centuries before. Never in a thousand years did he think he would ever get to touch her again…to be with her again. "Sango and Miroku married shortly after…you disappeared…and they had eight kids. I mean, for humans, holy shit. They had their hands full. They had lots of help though. Shippo stayed with them and helped raise five generations of their lineage…before he started one of his own. I see him now and again…"

Kagome's eyes lightened up. She gave him a faint smile, the smallest bit of Kagome Higurashi that was left in this girl's body beaming through the cracks in the plastered wall that she had locked her behind. "Shippo is still alive?" she gasped as the words Kouga spoke filtered through her brain. "And he has a family?

Kouga nodded enthusiastically and gave Kagome a sly smile that turned her stomach into knots…it was so similar to his smile. "He gave in to Souten and eventually married her. Don't ask me how they got over their differences…he blamed her for his parents death, she blamed him for her brothers…I guess their hate brought them together after so long. I think, and now this is just me speculating…but he used to chase after her with Miroku's great grand son Iros and I think they caught her…I think she let him catch her, and I think that he might have knocked her up…" he chuckled once and shook his head, "to use modern lingo is still odd for me."

Kagome smiled again and shrugged, "your English is flawless though.

Kouga shrugged and scratched the back of his head. "I guess…" the red tint to his cheeks jogged her memory again…the times Kouga would blush when she looked at him or talked to him…the times she would help him when he was hurt…because they fought.

She sighed again, the smile sliding off her face. "so, how long did he live? Miroku, I mean. And Sango…what about her?"

Kouga matched her frown and closed his eyes. Shaking his head slowly, he knew she didn't want to hear it…but why lie? "Miroku lived until he was fifty five…a very long life back then indeed. He passed away in the dead of night in his sleep peacefully. Sango…" he grimaced and looked down. He could smell the tears in Kagome's eyes and he didn't want to add fuel to the fire. He sighed again and forced himself to look at her, "Sango kept slaying demons…even while carrying pups. She…she paired herself against a formidable Inu-Youkai…" he grimaced as she shot him a glare of daggers. "it was not Sesshoumaru so don't think that. It was a relative of that family though who had been causing trouble. Sesshoumaru had been away on business so she took it upon herself to help him. She didn't stand a chance…it cut her down when she was thirty-three taking both her and the pups lives." He grabbed her hand tighter and looked her dead in the eyes, "me, Sesshoumaru and Miroku made sure he suffered before died, trust me. we got our revenge."

Kagome clenched the edge of the table, grinding her teeth together. "Oh Sango…" she felt a tear slip down her cheek and she flicked it off just as quick with her index finger. "I guess it was the time…"

Kouga swallowed hard and put his hand over hers again. "Kagome…what happened? How are you still alive?"

Kagome sat back in her chair and slowly nodded. "It's a very long story."

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting…reacting

Kagome cleared her throat, and took a sip of the coffee Kouga had bought her. "i…well…I guess I should start from the beginning. About three months before we met I had…well…I turned fifteen…" she sighed and held out a hand, "Kouga, I was born in 1981."

Kouga's jaw dropped open as he shook his head in confusion. "I don't get it, Kagome. What do you mean in 1981? You were in my time in…well…" he lowered his voice and scratched behind his very human like ear, "1497…" he coughed as the year left his mouth and glared around again, suspiciously.

Kagome rolled her eyes and tapped the glass table with her fingertips. "Kouga…the day I turned fifteen, my cat got into the well house…I lived on a shrine…a very familiar Shrine…Kaede's shrine…in this time now. What was there is now Tokyo…"

Kouga nodded, his blue eyes wide in shock, "I was there when they built Tokyo…hell, I helped build the roadways."

Kagome gave him a small smile and sighed sadly. "Right…well…my family owns the shrine. But that's another story. So…I went into the well house and a Youkai burst through the old well and pulled me back into it. When I hit the bottom I found myself looking up into daylight and not the well house. When I got to the top of the well, I realized I wasn't in Tokyo anymore. I was in the old well in the middle of the forest."

Kouga's eyes doubled in size and he stood up quickly, "wait, you mean you expect me to believe that you traveled through time back to 1497 through that old shitty well in the middle of Inuyasha's forest?"

Kagome glared at the demon then looked at the couple next to them, who was staring deadpanned at the pair. She rolled her eyes and hissed at them suddenly, startling them more. With a sneer, she turned back to Kouga, "yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. I was able to make jumps back and forth through the time slip…think about it Kouga. When you got your shards taken by Kagura…and I helped you…what did I put on the wounds?"

Kouga scratched his head and raked his brain. Suddenly his back went ridged and Kagome knew he was putting two and two together. "Holy shit, Kagome! I mean…that was a first aid symbol on that fucking box you were carrying! How did I miss that?"

Kagome laughed dully and patted his hands. "You didn't recognize it back then and its trivial, so why remember now. Does that at least prove my point?"

Kouga nodded quickly, "it also explains a lot. It explains why InuYasha was in the well!"

Kagome blinked once…then again. Kouga was now staring at her probably because all the color in her face…the little that she showed…had drained to her toes. Her stomach began to twist in even tighter knots as she stared at him, dry mouthed and large eyes. "What…" she closed her eyes and looked down, "you mean in the past? Yeah, that's why he would wait by the well…"

Kouga shook his head and put a hand over his eyes. "It all makes sense now. I didn't understand why he changed in the well…what made the boy go ape shit. Kagome…what happened the night you…. Kagome?"

Kagome stood up abruptly from the table, both of her hands planted firmly on the surface and yet she shook. "What…what do you mean changed in the well? He never changed in the well. He could never reach the bottom of the well without going through the slip like me. He hadn't changed in the last year we were together."

Kouga had an epiphany. He inhaled sharply and slowly stood up. "What did you do?"

Instantly there were tears. Kagome sunk back into the chair…then off of it. She sat at the base of the table, tears streaming black down her cheeks. "i…after Naraku…he…he went with…." She chocked on a silent sob and let her head roll to her chest. Rocking slowly back and forth, she was about to actually say what happened. She hadn't told anyone about what really happened. her mother, Souta, Ji-chan…they all could gather the facts but as for truly knowing…no, she had never spoken the truth. The well was sealed, InuYasha was dead…and so was she. "InuYasha…when he died…I couldn't…"

Kouga nodded slowly, "you weren't there when InuYasha died. I know that…I was. He called…" he winched as something resembling absolute horror crossed her face. He didn't want to torture her anymore…maybe he should let the dead rest in the past. He bowed his head to his chest, "I'm sorry Kagome, I shouldn't say anything…I don't want to see you any more hurt then you already are," with his last words, he gently stroked the ring in her eyebrow with a concerned eye.

Kagome didn't move…didn't flinch when he came near her. She was frozen in sheer panic. "What…what did he call to? He was with the one he loved…he found his peace with Kikyo and left me here…to deal with all this!" she couldn't help how venomous her words sounded…she was angry, angry with him, angry with his insolence. How could he abandon her after everything? Not even bother to say goodbye? Did he look for her? Did he even care?

It was Kouga's turn to look awestruck…then horrorstricken. He grabbed Kagome's hands and stared at her for a moment before pulling her into his chest to hug her. `Is that why she left? She thought he went with Kikyo? If so…then its…it was all a giant tragedy…a fuckin miscommunication.' He fought with her when she tried to pull away but he knew she would want the truth…she would demand answers…then she would really be devastated. If she felt dead now…what would the truth do? he couldn't do it to her…not Kagome. "Let him go Kagome…he was a baka. He chose his fate."

Kagome tried to pull out of Kouga's embrace yet could not break his grasp. She couldn't help the hysterical nature of her voice. She needed answers. Something was awry. "Kouga, please…there is something you're not telling me. I can hear it behind your words…tell me. I need to know…please…"

Kouga took a deep breath. "you…you think he died…with Kikyo? Is that what you think?"

The voice that came from Kagome was not her own. It was sadistic, filled with rage and fury…filled with horror and panic…it was primordial in its purest essence. "What do you mean think?"

Kouga tightened the hug and tired to hush her but when she spoke, he realized there was no way out. He had to tell her…he had to. "Kagome…InuYasha never went with Kikyo."

And her heart shattered for the last time.

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how I can't seem...

To find myself again
my walls are closing in

Kagome pulled away from Kouga, her eyes closed. `I was wrong…I…he didn't…' she swallowed hard and slowly opened her eyes. `If he didn't go with her…then I ….i abandoned him. I left without any reason. NO!' she grabbed Kouga's shirt and pulled him to her, so close in fact that their noses were just about touching. "You're wrong…you're lying! Why…why would you lie to me, Kouga? Don't try to protect me, I know what I heard! I know what I saw! They decided to go to hell together! Don't fuckin lie to me…don't do it!" she was screaming and sobbing by time she reached the end of her breath. She let out a rasp sob and slid to the ground, curling her knees to her chest. `I didn't abandon him…I didn't abandon him…I wouldn't…I couldn't…Kouga's wrong…he's wrong!'

Kouga never let her go, even as she slid to the floor in utter submission. He stroked her hair and tried to cradle her into his chest. "Kagome…didn't you know? He wasn't…he never wanted to…he…he…" he closed his eyes and grimaced as he put the fucking icing on the cake, "he loved you Kagome. You…not her. he never went with her…she died with him….but he did not go with her. He went looking for you, so Miroku told me later on. But…then he came back. He…he wasn't himself…he had turned."

Kagome felt as if Kouga had put his hand through her chest, grabbed her heart and ripped it from her body. She felt as if her body was frozen yet burning in the depths of hell. She heard the words and yet could not move. `What if he…oh god!' she grabbed onto the sleeves of Kouga's shirt and pulled herself to stare at him. "Turned?"

Kouga felt his own heart breaking as he watched the girl that he had once loved with all of his heart relive what must have been the hardest decision of her life. "He turned into a demon…he came from the well…and he had lost it. He killed four men in Kaede's village before turning on Miroku and Sango…don't worry, he didn't hurt them!" he dug his nails into his palms as he watched her eyes harden at his words. He shouldn't have said it…he should have let her believe dog shit went to hell with that bitch, not by the end of his brothers sword. He had been there, coming to see Kagome. He watched from the woods as InuYasha had charged Sango for the second time. before he could move to intercept, Sesshoumaru had. He watched as InuYasha impaled himself on the sword. Not that it wasn't a normal thing…but something was different. Something was missing. It had been his will to live. Without that, he gave up. Sesshoumaru had sat with InuYasha for hours on the ground, staring without words, without blatant emotion. But Kouga could see it, when he approached. He could see the horror in Sesshoumaru's eyes…the sorrow in his soul. Sango and Miroku had long cried over their friend and had begged Sesshoumaru to revive him with Tensusaiga. But he didn't oblige. All he muttered as, "why bring back the dead who does not wish to live?" eventually, Sesshoumaru left with his brother's body, to bury next to his father. He didn't allow anyone to follow.

Kagome gulped and felt the sudden need to kneel over and throw up. Bile rose in the back of her throat as she slowly asked, "What happened? why did he…how…"

Kouga held her tighter…the final blow was the worst. It would destroy her. "Sesshoumaru was passing by…he saw InuYasha go after Sango and got in the way…with his sword. He…InuYasha never stopped…Sesshoumaru thought he would fight him and he could subdue him…but he didn't…he never…"

Kagome pulled away from Kouga and made it three crawling steps before throwing up everything she had consumed. `He…he didn't…he never went with her and here I am...he died because he thought I hated him…he must have tired to get through…oh god, InuYasha…how many time did you try…how many times did you scream my name? How…how much pain did you feel when you died? Was it like what I felt?' "Was it quick?" she didn't mean to ask it but she had to know…somewhere in between her gagging, she managed to form the question.

Kouga pulled back and stared down at her. With a simple nod, he answered, "hai."

Kagome vomited again and dry heaved until she coughed up more bile. She felt her eyes close as she passed out. `He loved me and I left him. I abandoned him.'


without a sense of confidence

And I'm convinced that

There's just too much pressure to take

<<<five weeks later>>>

Kagome sat alone at the old mahogany bar, taking shots of anything that would numb her pain; Tequila, absolute vodka, Jack Daniels, Whiskey…everything. Yet nothing made Kouga's words go away. Nothing. She had stayed with Kouga and Aayme for two weeks after he had told her. Aayme refused to let her out of their sight for fear that she would end up right where she was. Now here she was…ten o'clock and already two hours drunk. Yet she didn't move from her stool. She knew Moe, the bars owner…he would let her stay as long as she wanted. He never minded. She had danced with five men already; two had groped her and had walked away with black eyes. One had been sucked off in the back alley. She didn't care. What did it matter? He died because she thought she heard something…he died because he loved her…because she spat it back at him. `I'll never betray you InuYasha,' she remembered telling him time and again…but she did. Fucking A she did. She ordered another shot of Whiskey and took it down in a matter of seconds. She had been there every night for three weeks straight. Every damn night. She would wake up hung over, take shots at home until the bars opened then crawl her way into one. She was the first patron in and the last out…except when she brought a man home with her.

I've felt this way before
so insecure

Yet that was a story of it's own. She would remember bringing a man home yet he would be long gone by morning, yet her door would always be locked. She didn't give them copies of the keys. She felt, at one point, that Kouga was intervening in her life, and god help him if she ever found that to be true. Odd as it was, she was sure that the door was always locked when the suitors were gone. But she wouldn't doubt if she was going officially out of her mind. It was very possible.

She rested her head on the cold bar, the alcohol putting her mind in a tizzy. A man, who had been sitting next to her for a while, cleared his throat, "you know, the average male does not wash his hands after going to the bathroom."

Kagome blinked slowly and turned her head to stare at the stranger. She managed to slur out, "That's disgusting." From what she could see, he had black hair, longer but stuffed in the back of his blazer.

The stranger looked at her slowly, digesting her current position. "Are you okay? After knowing that fact, I would have expected you to catch onto the idea that the average man also sits at this bar with his hands all over the table. "

Kagome laughed mockingly at the man then quickly added, "do you think I really give a rats ass?" she rolled her eyes. His voice was annoying; flat and dull, rather monotone. Sounded like Sesshoumaru. Sesshoumaru. She managed to shatter the shot glass in her hand at the raw thought of that demon. "Fuck…" she threw the glass down and brought her hand a few inches from her face to try to examine the wounds. "I hate it when it does that."

The stranger reached over and gently took her hand. For a moment, she wanted to smack him…kick his ass as she had done to so many dickwads of this bar but something stopped her. He managed to pull a sliver of glass from one of her larger cuts then pulled a handkerchief from his blazer's pocket. Wrapping it around her hand, he stood slowly. "You should get to a doctor…those wounds could be infected."

Kagome huffed and made no effort to move. "Like everything I touch?"

The stranger stared at Kagome for a moment before sitting back down, his eyes seemingly more cold then before. "Whatever you say. It's a thought."

Kagome raised her eyebrows then closed her eyes, "it sucks."

The stranger shook his head slowly, "so do you live here?"

Kagome gave a very wry chuckle and shrugged her shoulders, still with her head on the bar. "You mean here in Manhattan or here in this bar. Cause to both my answer is yes."

The stranger gave her a small frown and retuned to staring at his jack and coke. "What brings you to Manhattan? You don't seem to be a…school…kid."

Kagome shrugged and let her eyes fall into her own drink. She knew she was wasted…but for some reason, when she was wasted she never seemed to be able to talk. Now…she was talking to this guy real good. "I live here. My mom bought me an apartment when she won the lottery."

The stranger nodded slowly with a small sarcastic grin, "you're mother won the power ball?"

Kagome merely nodded.

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

The stranger seemed impressed then went back to nursing his drink. He glanced back over at her and paused. Taking her hand back into his, he pushed up her sleeve on her wrist to revel a long ugly scar. He stared at it for a moment before lifting his gaze to meet the girl. "What…what did you do?" he cleared his throat and downed his drink in one gulp. "Those look sever." He coughed out as he rubbed his chest, trying to rid the burning feeling of it.

Kagome pulled back her hand and sighed loudly. "Not that I want my life to be a fucking open book but I made some mistakes and thought that might take care of it."
The stranger remained impassive. "They say a girl who tries to kill herself is calling out for help. Do you agree?"

Kagome narrowed her eyes and wavered a little in her seat as she pointed at the boy next to her, "you don't know shit about me. I completely disagree! I was not calling out for help, I was begging to die. Yet I couldn't…the Kami's thought it would be more fun to torture me by making me live. Trust me…these past few weeks I wish I were dead."

The man let go of her hand and he recoiled away from her. "Sounds bad."

Kagome let out a loud scoff and took another shot of vodka. "You have no idea. You don't know what it's like to be responsible for the love of your life's death."

The stranger raised an eyebrow and sat back in his chair. "Really? That's ruff."

Kagome slammed her fist on the bar and looked to the ground. "You have no idea. I thought…I thought he left me…so I left before I had to see it…before I was certain. It was so long ago…yet I just found out that he didn't leave me…he never planned to. I abandoned him...i betrayed him and him looking for me brought about his death."

The stranger stared at the wall for a moment before looking back at her. he seemed very pensive…very solemn. "What made you think he left you?"

Kagome shook her head slowly, "just forget it. it has nothing to do with you."

The stranger bowed his head slightly, inclined towards Kagome. "I apologize. It was wrong of me to pry."

Kagome nodded once before returning to stare at her drink. "he…i…I misinterpreted what he said to an ex and I thought he was leaving me…he was everything to me and to think I would lose him…I went crazy. I ran away…ran from it all. I made sure I wouldn't be there when he went down…then I find out he never did. He was never going to leave me. I left him. There's so much that time can not erase…I was with him for everything yet he…I left him." the sudden numb feeling of needing to vomit overwhelmed her and she excused herself to the bathroom. Throwing up what little of diner she had and all the liquid she had that night, she flushed the toilet and turned to see herself in a mirror. "What did I do?" she stared down at the floor and let out a loud groan. Leaning forward, she connected her fist into the mirror on the wall. "Bitch! You left him! You abandoned him to die alone! You left him, you fucking bitch! Not Kikyo, you! you killed him! you left him all alone! he called to you when he was dying, he called for you…and you weren't there!" she screamed until her face was red. She screamed until sobs racked over her body.

crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real

It took her an hour to get out of the bathroom. Her hand, cut originally by the shot glass was now bleeding profusely from the mirror. it didn't matter…nothing did. She walked to the counter and dropped some cash down for the drinks. Slowly she made her way to the door. She would walk home…if she didn't make it…then her mother wouldn't have to worry anymore. She began to walk from the bar when a hand clamped down on her shoulder. She turned quickly, expecting an ex or Kouga…but was shocked. In front of her was the stranger she had been speaking to. Sure, she had seen him a few times in the bar but knew he was not a regular. Tonight was not a one-night stand night though. She hurt to much to take someone with her…nothing except the sharp end of a sword would numb this pain. Never. She would never be able to smile again, never be able to laugh again. No…she was in fact dead.

The stranger hailed for a taxi, never taking his hand off of Kagome's shoulder. "You should go home and rest."

Kagome pulled at his hand numbly, her eyes slightly glazed over from intoxication. "No…I want to walk. I want to…"

A yellow taxi pulled up and the stranger opened the door. "Don't argue with me, get in the car and have a good night."

Kagome groaned and put a hand to her head. "What's your name?"

The stranger smiled and gave the girl a small grin, "what's in a name?" Pulling away from the girl, he made sure she was in the car before approaching the driver. Handing the man forty dollars, he pointed down the road. "Take her to Park Place West…she's in 1700…walk her to the door and keep the tip."

The cabbie gawked at the man. "Sir, that's only like two blocks down…"

The man only gave him a small grin. "So you'll be sure to walk her to her door and make sure she gets in.. I'm trusting you…get it done." He pulled back and hit the roof twice before turning and walking back to the sidewalk. He watched the red taillights disappear into the darkness of night with a growl in the back of his throat.

"Kagome."

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing what is real
this lack of self-control I fear is never ending
controlling…confusing what is real

Kagome woke up on her couch, groggy eyed and feeling extremely sick. `Damn, how much did I drink last night?' she looked down to find herself still in the clothes she wore to the bar. `Damn.' She stretched her back and walked to the bathroom. She noticed her hand was bandaged which she stared at for a moment. `I don't remember…doing…that.' she closed her eyes and got into the shower. She expected the same routine…she expected to break down in tears and sob pathetically for her life. She didn't. Something…something was different. For the first time in four years, something inside of her felt…. fixed.

~*~*~*~**~*~~*~*~*~*~~**~*~*~*

Okay, okay, so it's still dark…and yes….it will get better. I know I'm a bitch for what I've done to our poor hero's…but they are the good guys and good guys always win…right? If you are going to flame me for OOC'ing Kagome, that's fine and dandy…but think for two minutes about what you would have done in her position. Think real hard.