InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ My Hatred, My Obsession ❯ Without You ( Chapter 10 )

My Hatred, My Obsession
Chapter 10 - Without You

Everything was so different without her. Meals were silent, conversations were dull, and there was no day without an argument. The Shard Hunters had fallen apart, the glue that was Kagome now absent to smooth away their rough edges. Inuyasha spoke to no one - not even Kaede - and alternated between sitting among the giant branches of the God Tree and yelling at anyone who came near him.

Sango had retreated into herself again, devoting her day to training and also refusing to speak to anyone. Miroku supposed that it couldn't be helped; she had already lost so much of her family, and losing Kagome must have been a terrible shock. He, himself, was not the same. Kagome had meant - still meant - so much to all of them. She had been the one to start all of this; had been the one that had given them all the chance to defeat Naraku. His heart felt dull and heavy knowing that she had died under their watch. The guilt was immeasurable - killing everyone, he was sure, slowly and painfully.

It was frightening to all to see the downfall of the group that had served to model strength. It was as if they were all strangers again, avoiding any possible confrontation between themselves, and simply deteriorating under the tremendous weight of remorse. Shippo had lost all his fire, it seemed. He refused to eat, simply sitting on the outskirts of the village and insisting that Kagome would return. It was a heart-wrenching sight for anyone who knew of his past. First he lost his parents, and now a woman he considered his surrogate mother.

Inuyasha was much like Shippo, also refusing to eat with everyone else, and staring off into the distance. He did not voice his thoughts, but everyone knew that he wasn't giving up on her. In his eyes was the denial - the refusal to acknowledge that he had lost, once again, a woman that meant the world to him. And indeed, those assumptions were correct. But what the villagers, and even his friends, did not know was that he tore apart the woods every night and every dawn. There was no nook or cranny that he left un-searched.

Kagome…I failed you…I failed to protect you just like Kikyo…

For the thousandth time in those days, he smashed his fist into the ground. His head dropped, his bangs lowering to conceal his tortured eyes. His heart was giving out…as each day passed, he sank deeper and deeper into an acceptance of the truth. Kagome would not return…

Kuso! Kagome…Kagome, I failed you! I would give anything…anything to see you safe…

(……….a………̷ 0;…)

For the first time in many days, the Shard Hunters gathered together for dinner. It wasn't planned, it was simply the natural pull - the undeniable tug that had drawn them together from the beginning, and was now pulling them together again. The meal dragged on in silence, the tension in the air ready to spring at any moment. They were all wound up, going mad with their own doubts and guilt. Perhaps that was why the argument started. It was Shippo's voice that started the commotion.

“Kagome…” A beat.

Inuyasha's fist slammed down on the table, scaring the wits out of everyone and cracking the offended wood in half.

“Inuyasha!” Sango's outraged exclamation earned her a frighteningly dangerous glare from the hanyou. He rounded on the kit -

“Don't you dare, brat!” Shippo sniffled for a moment before his sorrow escaped in the form of ear-piercing wailing. “Shut up!”

“Inuyasha…” Miroku's soft, calm voice could barely be discerned among the racket. He attempted to place a soothing hand on the hanyou's arm, but that only seemed to make matters worse.

“Back off, monk, or I'll rip your arm off!” He went charging toward Shippo, fully intent on doing him serious harm; Sango interfered, catching him by his shoulders and pushing him down. Her own rage was surfacing, as was everyone else's.

“Inuyasha, stop it! Just stop! Can't you see he's upset?!” A vicious snarl escaped his lips, and Sango felt a moment's panic. She hadn't ever seen Inuyasha this livid, and felt a keen sense of pity somewhere deep beyond her anger. “We're all grieving, Inuyasha! Why can't you understand that?!” He slapped her hand away, sending her flying and crashing into the wall. Miroku, who had been the calm eye of the storm only moments before, now rose to his feet, equally ready to let out some of his own stored-away emotions.

“Stop this madness!”

“Kagomeee!!!” Shippo didn't look like he would be letting up soon. Inuyasha raised his hand, getting ready to give the kit a piece of his mind.

“Don't say her name! Stop spouting shit like a baby! I don't want to hear it!” With an air of seething fire that none of the group had ever seen him display, Miroku slammed his staff into the floor of the hut.

“Look at yourselves! You should be ashamed!” Everything - all of the chaos - came to an abrupt halt. “Do you think Kagome-sama would have wanted any of this? Do you think that she would have wanted for all of us to kill each other like this?!” All eyes lost their flame as if a bucket of water was used to douse it. The guilt - the remorse, the doubt, the pain - was back in the looks of everyone. Miroku felt like hitting his own fist into the wall. She had given him so much; had given him a chance to believe that he could have a future. She had done so much for each and every one of them, and he still couldn't understand how it was that she had disappeared so suddenly from their lives.
“She would never have approved of this.”

Inuyasha's feet scraped the floor as he stood, his bangs covering his eyes and his ears flattened to his skull. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides, his shoulders shaking. Before anyone could say anything at all, he had fled through the door, leaving behind nothing but sorrow-filled silence.

(………………….a̷ 0;…………….)
(…………&# 8230;……..a………………)

The air outside was cold, nipping his flesh as he took heated steps that propelled him forward. It wasn't long before he was running, flying like some crazed bird in complicated formations among the trees. So what if the branches stung? So what if the occasional limb cut him? None of it could hurt more than this… more than losing the single person he knew to be so special to him.

I'll stay by your side, Inuyasha…can I stay?

He stopped, the tree beneath him leaning over dangerously due to his unexpected lack of motion. His breathing came in pants, his hair mussed, and his eyes wild like those of a rabid animal. He repeated the same words over and over again in his head -

Liar…liar…you liar! You said you would be here!

Inuyasha…go to her, Inuyasha…

He started, his entire body jerking with surprise. But the eerie voice was gone already. He wanted to dismiss it as his imagination, but couldn't bring himself to abandon a hunch at such a critical moment. He caught the breeze, breathing in heavily through his nose and searching for one final time, it seemed, to find her. Jumping down to the forest floor, he started his search anew.

But he wasn't really prepared for success…

She was lying face down on the ground, her clothing torn and her hair full of thorns and leaves. He ran to her, forgetting about everything in the world but the intense need for her to be alive. He turned her over, noticing every single scratch and bruise, and blaming himself for it. He crushed her to him when he heard that she was still breathing and sat there for the longest time simply holding her and marveling at how he had never known how much he loved her…

(………………..a…&# 8230;………….)
(…………… ;…..a………………..)

Kagome …Kagome wake up…

What was happening? What was going on? Where was she?

Kagome felt her eyes opening slowly, unwillingly, as if someone was pulling her eyelids up by strings. The sunlight made her squint, her pupils shriveling in pain, but her hand didn't obey her command to rise to their protection. A shadow inched its way into her line of sight.

“Kagome…are you awake?” She tried desperately to identify the low, husky voice, but no name came to her. Silver hair filled her vision, along with a pair of sun-kissed, golden eyes. She wavered, for a moment, on the cusp between sanity and dreams while her gaze moved to a pair of kissable lips…

Lips…kissing…tumbling in passion…

Sesshoumaru!

It was as if her body had been jolted with thousands of volts of electricity. Her memories came back in a tsunami, making her dizzy. The events were not in chronological order, the hands of each memory tugging frantically at her in an attempt to see which could get her attention first. Her body did listen this time, and she felt the sore muscles in her abdomen pulling her upwards into an upright state.

“Kagome! Don't get up so fast!”

A forest…trees…lakes…hunger…

I was alone…

His molten eyes full of anger… a bitter parting…

He let me go…

Berries…poison…vomit…and finally collapsing…

That bastard!

“…worried about you Kagome! Where have you been?” She was still in a stupor, and it took her longer than it should have to register that it was Inuyasha who was speaking.

“Inuyasha?” Bricks of clarity collided with her head so quickly, that she didn't know what to do. His eyes were narrowed, his ears pressed down on his head in a look she recognized all too well. Inuyasha was concerned.

Oh Kami…

Before even she knew what she was doing, Kagome was launching herself at him, wrapping her arms around his torso and burying her face in his scratchy red haori. The tears came unbidden, blurring her vision and causing her nose to itch. She felt his arms go around her; heard him whispering her name in the tender tone that was so rare and treasured; and suddenly, she couldn't stop herself from crying.

“Inuyasha! Oh Kami! Inuyasha!” His scent of wood, pine straw, and light musk made her mind reel in pleasure. She was safe! Her Inuyasha was here! No one could hurt her now; no one could touch her; she was safe…protected…and she had never loved him any more than she did now. So acute was the emotion smoldering within her that she squeezed him harder to her body, as if she would never get enough of his presence.

“Kagome…” There was so much relief - such a blatant release of tension in his voice; his claws dug into her hair, his hand massaging her neck gently to calm her. “Oi…what did I say about crying?” There was a rustling and scraping as she heard a movement behind her. Footsteps shuffled around for a bit before three voices all rang out at once:

“Kagome-chan!”
“Kagome-sama!”
“Mami!”

Inuyasha's body tensed, and she guessed that he was probably uncomfortable being seen in such a position. But when she tried to pull away from him, he held fast.

“Mami!” Shippo's voice shook from what she assumed to be a jump in her direction, but before she could feel the weight of the kit on her body, Inuyasha smacked him away. There was a thud as he landed on the ground, and finally a silence.
She heard Inuyasha growling, and wondered why he was getting so angry. Shippo started to whine, but he stopped him short -

“Don't jump on her, brat!” The tears started all over again. All her fears that she had been repressing surfaced like any wreckage and debris would after the sinking of a ship. That was what all of this felt like. She was sinking from the surface of calamity into a void of numbness where nothing remained but Inuyasha's warm embrace. For the moment, she forgot about Sesshoumaru, about their new enemy, about everything but how wonderful it felt to feel secure once again.

“Inuyasha…” She could barely speak past the lump in her throat. Everyone was talking animatedly, asking questions and demanding answers. She didn't want to do anything. No…no answering…no…too tired… She heard a loud yell - probably Inuyasha's doing - and then there was a pause where nothing could be heard but his low growl. She could make out some muffled noises through her ringing head -

“Kagome…they're gone now, Kagome…” She hesitated to look up at him. More and more debris was rising to the surface of her mind, and she was dragged kicking and screaming back into a reality filled with worry. “Kagome…please…say something. Tell me what's wrong.” He wouldn't push her if she didn't want to talk - she knew that. But something inside of her screamed that she needed to let out everything; to speak to somebody about all of this. “What happened to you? I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find your scent. I thought that - ” she head him swallow thickly, “I thought…” She understood. Inuyasha was always one to over react to even the most trivial things. She moved up to hug him around his neck, burying her nose into his thick, white mane.

Gratitude - all she felt was deep love and gratitude. Someone missed her; someone cared for her; someone worried for her sake. She knew that her family did all those things, but it wasn't the same as knowing that the person she loved so dearly felt that way. Her nose was itching again, and she scolded herself for being such a crybaby. He was massaging her neck again, and she felt like she could pour out her darkest of secrets to him if he asked for it.

Thus began her retelling of the past week and some odd days.

Through it all, her listener sat patiently across from her, surprising the girl with his willingness to stay quiet. Was this really the same Inuyasha that she had met four years ago? He had changed - she knew that; but had he really changed this much? After her long summary of her near-death experience, there was a long pause, which Kagome used effectively to study the hanyou before her. She almost didn't recognize his seriousness. He turned his head to look at her, the brilliant light from the window in the cottage falling in a perfect angle to illuminate his face.

In his eyes was an emotion that she had never seen him show. It was a look of longing, searching, and beseeching; he was asking for her understanding, but she didn't know what there was to be misunderstood. Things had always been simple between them, hadn't they? Then why did she suddenly feel like this was a totally different person than she had known these past years?

“Inuyasha?” The look was quickly masked, and the old, rough dog-demon was back.

“Why did you have to go off by yourself, stupid?” She felt her temper flaring to life, but was relieved that things could go back to normal like this.

“Stupid?! How dare you, Inuyasha?! You were the one that didn't notice when I fell!”

“Didn't notice, my ass! You were the one that got sick!”

“Oh, is that my fault now?!” Something flashed in her mind. Déjà vu…

It is your fault that you allowed your body to cease functioning…

She got up, suddenly feeling like she was arguing with both brothers. She wasn't sure who was who anymore - as if Sesshoumaru's image was overlapping with the hanyou's. Inuyasha yelled after her when she shoved the bead curtain, that served as a door to the cottage, to the side and exited. Before she could get too far from the doorway, his arms were around her, turning her around. She hadn't even realized that she was crying again until the cold wind made her eyes sting. His look softened and he crushed her to him -

“Kagome, don't cry…Kagome…” She wept for everything: for Inuyasha, for Kikyo, for her near death, and for the way everything was managing to go so very wrong. But she would later know that she wept not so much for that, as for the turmoil within her soul where a certain Taiyoukai still lingered.

(……………a……̷ 0;………….)

He wasn't certain what it was that made him stop - whether it was the spell-binding, nagging feeling of doubt, or a feeling of unease. It stemmed from his sixth sense, an ominous cloud of danger. The forest was silent, the wind blowing eerily and gently, as if coaxing him to try to contemplate what it was that was bothering him. He delicately sniffed the air, seeking to find any traces of an illusive warning.

It was there…

Light but tangible…

He had a heart-stopping fear that he would always be able to know where the miko was - would always be aware of her no matter how great the distance between them. And just as he was aware of her presence now, he was conscious about the laced-in poison of peril that tainted her aroma. Had she reached his brother? Or had she perished on the way? He shouldn't care - really - either way. In an attempt to regain his control, he forcefully derailed his train of thought into another direction.

Nothing, however, was easy when it came to her…

“Sesshoumaru-sama!” It was Rin. Why hadn't he sensed her? He heard a heavy landing that made the ground tremble and his hair whip about from the force of the wind it produced. Tiny footsteps pummeled the black-brown soil of the forest, and at last, a small pair of arms threw themselves around his leg. He felt a strange slowing of his heart rate - as if a heavy hand was placed on the organ that had been offending and annoying within the past week. The little child nuzzled her nose into his clothing, her breathy voice excitedly jabbering on about nothing in particular, and an unwelcome rustle of endearment disturbed the long-dried leaves of his empty soul.

A gentle hand descended upon the child's head, and she felt safe as always with her beloved lord. But even in her young age, she could tell that something bothered him. She had seen him often in such a trance - the way he shifted his weight from foot to foot; the way his muscles were tense. Yes…her adored Sesshoumaru-sama was thinking hard about something, but Rin knew better than to interrupt him. He would ask her if he wanted to know something.

Being so young, Rin's mind quickly changed its course. The child was already petting Aun and humming a soft tune. She thought that it was too bad that Jakken wasn't here to keep her company instead of lying sick in bed. Sesshoumaru settled down comfortably on a large rock, and Rin instantly recognized that pose as a confirmation of her earlier thoughts. He looked sad to her, and despite the fact that he had told her on several occasions not to interrupt him, she couldn't stay away.

“Sesshoumaru-sama…”

He had known that her intervention was something unavoidable - she was a persistent little thing. He decided that the child needed some form of attention and allowed her to have his focus for now. He wasn't prepared for her question:

“Why is Sesshoumaru-sama so worried?”

He felt his eyes narrow. The child really did have an uncanny ability to know exactly what was happening around her. Her eyes were pleading with him to rid her of her newfound anxiety, but he knew that it was something that could not be accomplished. The wind continued to send him warnings that he struggled to ignore, but all efforts were futile.

“Rin…” The girl's eyes widened when she heard the weariness in his tone, and she was suddenly afraid for the first time since she'd seen him. He'd always been strong; she was always sure that he would pull through anything and protect her; she trusted him with her life; but seeing him so openly tired and sad was upsetting. Tears filled her eyes at the idea that something very bad was happening to her Sesshoumaru-sama.

And she was correct.

Maybe it was the damned wind that so disturbed him; perhaps it was the child's tears, or the combination of both that stirred him into action, but whatever it was, the power of it was strong. He could no longer keep at bay the need to see the woman safe, and once again - just like their kiss - his fight with himself was very brief.

(………a……………. )

Kagome had suspected that there would be trouble once she returned to Kaede's village. The shards around her neck always brought destruction and chaos to anything that touched them. In all the years that Kagome had carried the tiny glass vial holding the most awesome source of power in all of Japan, she had learned that “peace” was something long-forgotten where the jewel was concerned. It was a word that was obliterated the moment she set foot in the feudal era.

Demons from all over the country searched for pieces of the Shikon Jewel, and they would gladly lay down their lives if there was the slightest chance to make themselves more powerful. Such demons had no sense of pity - they didn't feel remorse, guilt, shame, or anything that could be associated with good. And that was why the shards glowed black whenever a demon applied the slightest touch to them. But Kagome - pure, young, and headstrong Kagome - purified the taint of such filth. But she had also come to learn that pure shards tasted better than tainted ones to demons, and with that knowledge came the constant danger that she faced.

She was accustomed to danger - certainly - so any normal hesitation of entering into battle was usually absent in her mind. She had no compunctions whatsoever to throw herself recklessly into a life-threatening situation, or to deal out rash words to a monster that could snap her in half in seconds if that was his desire. However, as the untrained miko now watched the wicked eyes of the looming demon focus in on her, she felt a fear that she hadn't felt in a long time. Those eyes reminded her of the invisible monsters whose own eyes had been empty sockets that showed her the doorway into hell.

…the power and corruption of the Shikon no Tama…

…the corruption that I am here to wipe out…

Her muscles leaped into action as she drew back her bow and let loose an arrow. She felt the painful drain of energy that had also never bothered her until now, and hoped beyond hope that the arrow would not miss.

It did not, but for all the good it did, it might as well have stayed in her quiver. Inuyasha sent her a worried look over his shoulder, and she turned away. She didn't want to let him know that she wasn't feeling up to snuff at the moment. He needed confidence and she would try to provide it.

But before she could explain anything, he was throwing a Kaze no Kizu at the giant three-eyed creature. He succeeded at cutting off an arm, and to everyone's horror, the beast grew wings. Sango hurtled her Hiraikotsu with some of Miroku's attached ofuda's, but nothing seemed to be having any sort of effect. The two shards embedded in its body were tugging on the edge of her mind, and Kagome desperately searched for any way bring this thing down.

Inuyasha tried Tetusaiga once again, continuing to throw insults at the creature all the way. There was a moment in which Kagome was sure that they had won, only to be thrown back into anxiety when the beast dodged another Kaze no Kizu, threw back Hiraikotsu, and squatted down, ready to jump. Her heart rate exploded, and she knew that it was up to her now to do something. Inuyasha wouldn't have time to dodge!

“Inuyasha! Get out of my way!”

The demon jumped into the air, folding its wings and sky-rocketing right down on top of the group. They would all be killed at this rate! She notched another arrow and pointed it at the beast. Screaming for everyone to move, she steadied her aim and locked onto her target. She was ready to release the weapon when she felt her muscles lose all compliance.

Kill…Kill…Kill…

What was happening? Her body wasn't listening!

Gather up your strength…kill…kill…

Everything was distorted. She wasn't aware that she was moving until it was too late to stop herself. The demon changed its course at the last minute and she could only watch in horror as it got closer and closer to her body. Its hideous eyes bore into her like a searing memory of a nightmare.

Now, miko…kill…fire!

Her fingers released the arrow and in an explosive blast of light, her powers were unleashed. The pink shaft of light hit the demon in the chest; she saw it die, saw its eyes widen in horror, but didn't see it stopping. It was too late! She would be crushed! They all would be! Urging her legs to move, she found that she was frozen in place. A strangled yell came from her right before her world lost sound altogether.

Something was happening…her muscles were moving, her body rolling… there was a sharp, acute pain in her foot and arm, a roar of sound, and then nothing…

(………………a… ……………)

Well…certainly a long chapter for me…sorry to have kept you waiting. As always, feedback is greatly appreciated!