InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor ❯ Oh My God What Happened ( Chapter 1 )

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter I…Oh My God, What Happened

 

Something I want to say right off the bat: This is for shits and giggles. I thought of a few things that I could do in this fic, so I'm going to see if I can piece them together into something logical but funny as hell, and still maintain a plot. If a part's not funny to you, remember that it was funny to me or it wouldn't have been added in.

And you guys know that Inuyasha doesn't belong to me, I don't need to remind you.

Ready…GO!

____________________________________________________

 

Naraku was busy in his lair, working feverishly on something, when Kagura came in.

“Mwah ha ha, excellent! Mwah ha ha!” Naraku cackled.

“The hell, you say?” Kagura asked.

“I've just finished working on my latest plan to annoy the hell out of Inuyasha and his friends. It requires you to get close enough to them to cast this potion I made onto them and get out before it takes effect. It's foolproof!”

“If I have to get that close, why don't I just kill them?” Kagura asked bluntly.

“Because then the series would end now just go do it, before I eat your heart with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

“Whatever you say, Hannibal.”

And off she went. The potion was cast, and she got the hell outta Dodge.

 

***************************

Inuyasha had been sleeping up in the big tree, and awoke remarkably refreshed. He stood up, stretched a bit, scratched his ass, his stomach, his breasts…wait, what? Inuyasha grew confused. He looked down at himself, and indeed, he had breasts!

“What the fuck…?” he said out loud. In a panic, he grabbed his crotch.

“Where's my balls?! Oh, fuck, where're my goddamn balls?!” He pantsed himself and checked just to make sure. He was missing his balls. And his trouser snake.

Panicked and confused he dropped down from the tree and ran towards where the others had set up camp. He ran into Miroku before he got to the camp.

“Well, well, what have we here? A fair young maiden lost in the woods?” Miroku said, grabbing Inuyasha's ass.

Inuyasha punched him in the face several times.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Miroku?! It's me, you dumb shit!”

“AAH! I've never seen you before, m'lady! Please stop!”

“Don't you recognize me?? I'm Inuyasha!”

Miroku stood up, looked Inuyasha over from head to foot.

“You sure?”

“YES I'M SURE!!!”

“Well, you are wearing his clothes…but clothes don't make the man…”

“I don't believe this…LOOK AT ME! IT'S ME! Why would I lie about that?!”

Miroku looked into Inuyasha's eyes.

“By the gods, it is you, Inuyasha! What the hell happened? You're a woman!”

“How the hell should I know what the hell happened?! I woke up and found out I had girly parts!”

“…Did you…Did you do anything?” Miroku asked.

“I panicked and-” He suddenly realized what Miroku had asked. “Oh, man, you are a sick fuck, dude, Jesus.”

“What? Just asking, damn…”

“Miroku…man…no…just, no… What am I gonna do?”

“Weren't you just going to run into camp and panic?”

“No! …Yes. Maybe.”

“Let's find a river, you need to see yourself.”

They walked a bit into the woods, until they came upon a clear stream in which Inuyasha could see his reflection.

“Oh my god…I'm a woman.”

“Yep.”

“Oh my god…and I'm hot, too.”

“…Yep.”

THWACK

“Just pointing out a fact.” Miroku rubbed his head.

“Wouldn't those kinds of thoughts make you gay?”

“Inuyasha, look at yourself. Anyone who didn't know you were really a guy would think you're a chick. Would you or would you not want to fuck that?” he said pointing at Inuyasha's reflection.

Inuyasha hesitated, but before he could say anything, Miroku cut in.

“No, don't even think that it's you. It just some girl. Would you or would not hit that?”

“…Yes, I would hit that.”

“I rest my case.”

Inuyasha shook his head. “…Dirty thoughts about fucking myself…Man, your condition's contagious,” he mumbled. “How are we going to explain this to Kagome and Sango? And Shippo, oh god, Shippo's never gonna leave me alone about this…”

He grabbed his head and groaned. Miroku tried to take a gander down his shirt.

“Will you knock that shit off, you're starting to scare me.”

“I can't help it, dude. Face it, you're sexy now. What do you want me to do?”

“Go bother Sango. I need to think…”

“Mmm…Sango…” He walked off.

Inuyasha began pacing back and forth on the shore.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! This doesn't make any sense! Why the hell am I a woman? Gaah!”

He paced some more…

 

*************************

Back at the camp, Miroku greeted Sango in his own way…and got slapped for it.

“Good morning to you, too, Sango.”

“That's hardly a way to start the day.”

“But…it's the breakfast of champions…”

Sango rolled her eyes.

Kagome woke up, waking Shippo as she got up.

“Where's Inuyasha?” She asked.

“Uhh…” Miroku hesitated. “He's…still sleeping! Yeah, that's it! He's still up in the tree asleep. He got mad when I woke him up and beat me about the head!”

“Huh! That jerk! I'll make him sit. There's no reason for that!”

“Wait, Kagome, Inuyasha's really grumpy! You'd better let him sleep for some time!”

Kagome and Sango looked at each other, both growing suspicious.

“What's going on, monk?” Sango asked.

“Nothing's going on, why would something be going on, there's nothing, it's nothing at all…” Miroku babbled.

Kagome and Sango looked at each other again.

“Grab his legs! Hold him down, Sango!”

The girls pinned Miroku to the ground.

“Please, ladies, this isn't how I envisioned this would happen! And in front of Shippo, why we'll scar the poor boy!”

“PERVERT!” both girls screamed.

Kagome removed Miroku's sandal and pulled out a feather. Sango held Miroku down and Kagome began tickling the bottom of his foot.

“Tell me what's going on with Inuyasha!”

“NO!” Miroku managed to blurt out between laughing.

“Tell me now! NOW!”

“I…I can't!” he struggled to say.

“I can do this for as long as possible, Miroku! Tell me the truth!”

“Okay! Okay, I'll tell you!”

Kagome stopped.

“He's…sick. He was throwing up when I found him, he wanted to be left lone, and he said he'd kill me if I told you!”

Kagome paused…then started up again on the other foot.

“I don't believe you!”

“Please stop!”

Shippo woke up fully, and saw this whole thing and thought, What the hell?

But what he said was completely different.

“Tell me why I had to be a Powerslave,” he said, then became confused. [1]

Kagome stopped, looked at Shippo, then at Sango.

“What did he say?”

What did I say? Shippo thought. “You're so cold, keep your hand in mine.” [2]

He panicked. I can't speak normally! What's going on?!

“Shippo, what are you talking about?”

He cried a little, “Mary, my lady of pain, always alone! Blind you search for the truth!” [3]

Kagome and Sango looked at each other confused. Miroku managed to sit up and get a handful of Sango. Then a slap.

“Shippo, what's wrong with you?”

I don't know!! He screamed in his head. But what came out his mouth was, “Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings! Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams!” [4]

Kagome thought for a moment… “Powerslave… Master of puppets…,” she said, piecing together her thoughts. “He's speaking in song lyrics!”

“Song lyrics? But why?” Miroku asked. “And I know of no songs with those lyrics…”

“It's music from my era. Sota listens to all this American rock music, so I know most of the lyrics from him. It doesn't make sense why Shippo would know them, he's never hung out with my brother.”

“You servant, you coward, you blind man, back to the front!” [5] Why is this happening?

“Such anger in those lyrics,” Sango commented.

“It's actually relaxing when you're really pissed. When I fight with Inuyasha, I usually go home and steal all of Sota's CDs. It's good venting.”

“They're trying to build a prison! For you and me to live in!” [6] Waaaah! I can't communicate! Waaah!

The other three sat up and thought for a moment. At that moment, Kirara woke up and stretched. She opened her mouth, and said, “RUFF!”

Everyone was caught off guard, even Kirara.

“Arf?”

“Kirara? You too? Even you can't speak right…” Sango said, worried.

“Bark.”

“If I can…Remember…to know this…will conquer me…” [7] Tears were running down Shippo's face.

Sango pondered something.

“Kagome, you're normal, right?”

“Yes.”

“And Miroku, you're normal, yes?”

“Correct.”

“And I'm normal…But Shippo and Kirara aren't…They're demons, so maybe something happened that's only affecting demons…”

Kagome blurted out, “Inuyasha!”

Miroku winced.

“What happened to Inuyasha? Tell me now!”

“Ehh…Perhaps I should take you to him and allow him to explain…or bring him back and make him explain…”

Kagome and Sango were very worried.

“What could've happened? This makes no sense…” Kagome asked no one in particular.

Miroku went off to find Inuyasha…

 

*****************************

Elsewhere in the forest, Sesshomaru was waking up from his night's sleep. He stretched and brushed some dirt off himself. However, the ground seemed very close. Closer than he remembered it being when he went to sleep.

“Hmm. What is the meaning of this?”

He then realized that his clothes were very, very baggy.

“Something is very wrong here. Jaken?”

Sesshomaru's imp sidekick roused from slumber and said to his master, “Yes, m'lord?”

But the voice that came from Jaken's lips was not his usual high-pitched whine, instead it was a deep, smooth masculine voice, like that found on a Jazz station DJ.

“Oh, baby, what's goin' on with my voice? It's so silky and smooth, like butter…”

“Jaken…something strange had occurred. I am quite puzzled. I seem to have become much smaller.”

“Oh, Lord Sesshomaru, you very small, baby. So tiny, like a child.”

“Jaken, I'm not sure I like your tone with me this morning.”

“Relax, Lord Sesshomaru, baby, you ridin' the Jaken skies, I'll treat you right.” Jaken was surprised at the words coming from his mouth.

“…Jaken…”

“Yeah, baby?”

“…Don't make me kill you…”

“Take a chill pill, bro…You gotta act calm, take it slow, like Masta Jaken, on J-105.5.”

Sesshomaru looked at Jaken. Jaken looked at Sesshomaru.

“I don't understand what has happened. Rin, wake up.”

Rin awoke immediately.

“Yes, my lord?”

“Do you feel strange at all today?”

“No, my lord, why do you ask?” She suddenly noticed his height. “Lord Sesshomaru! You've shrunk! By at least 3 feet!” (1 meter for our Canadian friends)

“I realize that, Rin, but you do not feel strange at all?”

“No, I'm fine. Master Jaken seems unaffected as well.”

Sesshomaru looked at Rin, then at Jaken, then back at Rin, and couldn't help but chuckle.

Rin was confused. “M'lord?”

Sesshomaru's chuckle turned into a laugh. Jaken couldn't help but be drawn in as well.

“ha…Jaken, say something for Rin…Show her how unaffected you are…”

Jaken stopped laughing and said, “Rin, baby, you don't know what's goin' on, do ya? Everything's all crazy this morning. Topsy-turvy, baby…”

Soon, all three were laughing uncontrollably. Even the stoic Sesshomaru was laughing his ass off.

“Oh, this makes no sense…” he sighed.

 

*********************************

Back in the forest, Inuyasha had been examining himself in the river for quite some time.

“Inuyasha,” came Miroku's voice from the trees.

“YAAH!” Inuyasha screamed and dove behind a rock.

“What are you doing?”

“…Nuthin…”

“What were you really doing?”

“…Nuthin…”

“Inuyasha…What were you really doing?”

“……Somethin…”

“There's nothing wrong with that, it's your body…”

“I wasn't doing that, you sick freak! I was just looking at myself!”

“Whatever you have to tell yourself.”

Inuyasha emerged, and asked, “Whaddya want?”

“The girls have requested you to return to the camp. Shippo and Kirara are experiencing strange occurrences as well. Kagome is concerned about you.”

“…But how am I to explain this?” he said, gesturing to his newly feminine body.

“Why should you have to? If you don't know, then you don't know, there's nothing to explain.”

“Oh, really? Well, let's go find out then, shall we?”

They walked back to camp. As they neared, Inuyasha could see Kagome and Sango trying to talk to Shippo, but he was crying and carrying on, and both ladies were growing frustrated.

“What's wrong with Shippo?”

“He can only speak in song lyrics from songs in Kagome's time. And Kirara speaks like a dog now.”

Inuyasha face became screwed up in thought.

“WHAT?”

“You heard me.”

Kagome looked over and saw Miroku.

“Did you find Inuyasha?” she asked.

“Yes, I did. He's here beside me.”

Inuyasha hid. “I'm having second thoughts about this, Miroku.”

“Who's that?” Sango asked.

Miroku turned to Inuyasha and said, “Look, Inuyasha, you have to do this. There's no other choice. Come on.” Miroku grabbed Inuyasha's arm and began dragging him into camp.

“No! I can't!”

“That's…” Sango and Kagome began to say.

Miroku turned to the ladies and said, “May I introduce you to Inuyasha…”

Kagome and Sango's jaws dropped as they laid eyes on Inuyasha's new shape.

Shippo fell over laughing, “Goin' off the rails on a crazy train!” [8]

Kagome was speechless.

Sango said, extremely puzzled, “What the f…”

Inuyasha merely turned very red.

“ I don't know what to say. I'm a woman. I woke up and I looked like” he gestured at himself. “this.”

Shippo ran up to Inuyasha and pointed and laughed, “I can see inside you, the sickness is rising, don't try and deny what you feel!” [9]

“Shut up, song boy!” Inuyasha yelled, and whacked Shippo on the noggin.

“Hey, Sweden!” [10]

“What?”

“You're using coconuts! You've got to halves of coconut and you're bangin' `em together!” [11]

Everyone was puzzled.

“Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!” [12]

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Inuyasha shouted.

“I just want to go up to my shack and get drunk…” [13]

Everyone just looked at him. What is going on now? Shippo thought. It's even weirder this time!

“I'm bleeding, making me the victor.” [14]

It hit Kagome like a sack of hammers. “Now I get it. He's speaking in movie quotes now!”

“Fantastic. …What's a movie?” Inuyasha asked.

“That's not important right now. What we need to figure out is how to fix all this.”

“Well, whacking Shippo in the head seemed to do something…That's a start.” Inuyasha grabbed the little fox demon and whacked him again. “Say something.”

“All your base are belong to us.”

WHACK

“Pwnd in the phaise!”

WHACK

“Don pay mind to tha lit wans, mon just grab the reefer and com dun.”

WHACK

“¡Ay dios mió, por favor, espera!”

“Wait, Inuyasha, don't hit him!”

“Why? He's speakin' gibberish now.”

“No, it's Spanish! I took Spanish in school, maybe we can talk to him now.”

“Kagome, por favor, ayúdame. No me gusta este día.”

“We're trying, Shippo, but we don't know what's going on.”

“I could just keep hitting him until he speaks normally again…”

“You'd probably kill him before that happened, jerk!”

“I don't see any other options here, Kagome!”

“I see another option! SIT!”

Inuyasha braced himself for pain. But nothing happened.

“SIT!” Nothing. “Why isn't it working?”

Inuyasha was relieved more than ever before.

“HA! The spell doesn't work anymore!”

He grabbed Shippo and began hitting him again.

“¡Puta! ¡Quema en un fuego! ¡Va a infierno!”

WHACK

“Stop it Inuyasha, you fool! This stuff isn't cool!” Shippo said

“There, see he's back to normal! What'd I tell you?” commented Inuyasha.

“One day you'll regret it, don't you forget it…”

“Inuyasha! That was entirely unnecessary!” Kagome yelled.

“What're you going to do about it? You can't sit me for it.”

Kagome grew flustered.

“Grr!” she growled, then lashed out and twisted Inuyasha's nipple very hard.

“OOOWW!” he yelped. “Damn it! What the fuck? That hurt like hell!”

“Almost as bad as sit, huh?”

“Uh huh…” Inuyasha whimpered.

“Ha ha, jackass, that's what you get for dishing out sass!” Shippo piped up.

Sango looked at Shippo. “Are you rhyming now?”

“I guess it's true, but what can we do?”

Miroku looked at the ground. “This is a very peculiar day…”

Kagome stared at Inuyasha and yelled, “Speak! Roll over! Shake! Get away from the door!”

“What the blue hell are you doing?” Inuyasha asked.

“I figured maybe the command word changed, since everything else is so screwy today.”

“There's lots of words out there, babe, doubtful you're going to find the right one.”

“I got it the first time, I think I can do it again!”

Shippo climbed up Inuyasha's back and knocked him hard on the head with a hammer.

“Try Sit again, it's worth a shot, who knows if it'll work or not.”

“You bastard!” Inuyasha called out, grabbing his head in pain.

“SIT!”

“Gah!”

The command worked again.

“This…makes…no…sense…” Inuyasha mumbled from the crater.

“No. It doesn't. It's almost as if the author tried to create another conflict, but then realized it was a bad idea, and tried to fix it as easily as possible without having to get rid of a bunch of lines of dialogue that he liked in the process,” said Sango.

“Indeed,” Miroku agreed. “But he did it in such a poor way. It's almost sloppy.”

“No, it is sloppy. But we'll forgive him, it's late,” Kagome said

“Hmm. I suppose. But the readers may not like it,” Miroku replied.

“If the readers don't like it, he'll get a review. By the way people, that's what you should do,” added Shippo.

*wink, wink*

*nudge, nudge*

 

“…Please…just end the chapter…” Inuyasha begged.

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Next chapter when I get it finished!

(Song/movie lyrics credits:

[1] Iron Maiden; “Powerslave”

[2] Breaking Benjamin; “So Cold”

[3] Queenrÿche; “Suite Sister Mary”

[4] Metallica; “Master of Puppets”

[5] Metallica; “Disposable Heroes”

[6] System of a Down; “Prison Song”

[7] Disturbed; “Remember”

[8] Black Sabbath; “Crazy Train”

[9] Disturbed; “The Sickness”

[10] RJ MacReady; John Carpenter's “The Thing”

[11] Castle Guard; “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”

[12] Mexican Guy; “Blazing Saddles”

[13] RJ MacReady; John Carpenter's “The Thing”

[14] Wimp Lo; “Kung Pow: Enter the Fist”