InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor ❯ Like a Ford Pinto in a Volcano ( Chapter 4 )

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter IV…Like a Ford Pinto in a Volcano

 

I don't own Inuyasha….But what if I did…..that'd be kinda scary, wouldn't it? Especially after reading this story of mine… *ominous music*

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“Have at thee!” Inuyasha cried, leaping at Naraku with a grace seen only by Olympic fencers.

Naraku was still convulsing with laughter on the ground.

Inuyasha rolled, striking Naraku down the back, and got to his feet without getting his suit jacket dirty. Naraku winced and stopped laughing.

“So…you are serious…Well, then…I guess you'll have to die.”

Inuyasha said nothing, but drew his sword. He began swinging it, but not in the way he usually swings it…i.e. blindly. Nay, this time, he swung it with grace, and skill.

“How is it possible that he has gotten so much better with the Tetsusaiga since last I saw him use it?” Sesshomaru asked himself.

Naraku was thrown for a loop. He was having trouble guarding against Inuyasha's new swordsmanship.

“Ha ha! Parry! Block! Thrust! Have at thee!” Inuyasha crowed at his foe.

Naraku tried to keep his mind on the fight, but couldn't help but laugh at Inuyasha. He never expected his little trick to be this amusing to him. It was more than he had ever hoped.

Sesshomaru was about to join in when Kagura approached from the distance. She landed nearby.

“What's going on?” she asked.

“Naraku has his hands full with a half-demon turned politician.”

“Oh…kay…”

“Hmm.”

“Come on, then! Parry! Thrust! Swipe! Have you no ability? Coward! Fight back, you yellow bastard!” Inuyasha taunted.

Naraku was afraid for his life for the third time.

Shit. He's going to kill me if I don't act fast…but what can I do? Naraku thought. Suddenly, it hit him…the perfect escape plan!

“Inuyasha! Hey! Look over there!” Naraku called, pointing in the opposite direction.

Without thinking, Inuyasha and Kagome turned and looked, while Naraku scampered off in the other direction, giggling like a moron.

Sesshomaru just stared blankly, looked at Kagura, who wore the same expression as he, and said, “Kagura…Did they just fall for that?”

Kagura let out a deep sigh. “Yep. Seems they did.”

“Idiots.”

Inuyasha was confused. “Why, there's nothing over there, old boy, I do think you're trying to pull my leg now.” He suddenly realized what had just happened and cursed.

“Bloody hell! Damn it to bloody hell! That scoundrel! That slippery wicket! He pulled the wool over my eyes, he did! That sniveling coward! Bloody bugger! Stupid whore! Damn it all to the bowels of bloody hell in a bloody basket!”

Kagome slapped herself in the face with shame and looked at the ground.

Sango and Miroku slowly shook their heads.

The emobot was still slashing at its wrists with the knife, slowly grinding little shavings off. Eventually though, it gave up the knife and pulled out a revolver, which it held to its temple, its hand shaking.

Sesshomaru looked his half-brother in the eyes and said, “You dumb shit. You've let him get away…again…”

“I don't see you chasing after him, dear brother. You could've easily cut him off at the pass, stopped him dead in his tracks, put a stick in his spokes, but noooo…”

“Just what are you implying, half-breed?”

“That you're an incompetent twit, ignoring your duty and concerning yourself with trying to get into that young tart's knickers!”

“I'm wearing a kimono, asshole,” Kagura said.

“My social life is none of your concern,” Sesshomaru said.

“It is when people's lives are on the line! Look at us, the ragtag bunch of mongrels we are before you! Sango's a cat woman! Miroku had a robotic contraption emerge from his cranium! Kagome's a half demon, and I'm a proper English gentleman! Shippo curses more than I do after losing a bout of Halo to Kagome's brother! And you're over there…trying to get laid…You disgust me, Sesshomaru,” Inuyasha said with intensity. He looked his brother right in the eyes and yelled, “I say `Good Day' to you, sir!”

Sesshomaru said nothing for a long time. He pondered what Inuyasha had said and realized for the first time, Inuyasha was right about something. But he would never admit that to him.

“I don't quite know how to respond to that, Inuyasha.”

“I said… `Good day'…” and with that Inuyasha turned his back on his brother and crossed his arms.

Everyone was staring at Inuyasha with shock. Did those words just come out of his mouth? Did he just mouth off to his brother like that?

Jaken and Rin were off to the side, also in shock.

“Oh, he dead, baby…he dead…” Jaken said.

Sango spoke up.

“Instead of us standing here like statues…why don't we chase after Naraku? It's not like he's running very fast. He just made it to the far end of the yard. And he's having trouble getting over the fence…” She pointed towards the back of the property, not 30 yards away. (27.411 meters for our Canadian friends)

Everyone directed their gaze towards Sango's gesture. Naraku was still giggling like a moron, but he was unable to get over the fence because of his great mass.

“He's gone mad! The poor bloke's gone completely batty! He's lost it! The engine's running but no one's in the carriage! He's a few clubs short of a straight! The torch is on but no one's holding it! The fag is burning, but no one's smoking it! His…”

“We get it, Inuyasha…Sit,” Kagome called out

“Oy, blimey!”

Kagome drew up her bow, took aim, fired…

“Hit the… mark!”

The sacred arrow flew straight, light simultaneously pushing it forward and ejecting from it. Yes, the arrow flew straight…through the front window of Naraku's house, missing him by about…oh, a lot.

“DAMNIT!” Kagome cried out. “GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! Every single time! Jesus Christ, every fucking single goddamn time I fucking miss! Talk about break under pressure, God fucking damn it! Mother fucker!!”

Miroku, Sango, and Inuyasha were all surprised by Kagome's sudden outburst.

Kagome continued cursing and stomping around, while Naraku kept trying to hoist himself over the fence. He got close, but his beer gut kept him from going over and he fell back onto his ass.

“Oh, god, Naraku on his back…Naraku on his back, in the sun…” He began rocking back and forth, trying to right himself.

 

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Koga had been icing his balls all day, but nothing was working. River water…snow from the mountain brought by Ayame…Icy Hot…okay, that one was a mistake, but now he knew why it was called Icy Hot. He regretted that. He thought about what Ginta had said…

“Well, it has `icy' in the name, so it must be cold, right? Maybe you could use it to help your nuts…”

“Where'd you get it, Ginta?” Koga asked weakly.

“Kagome gave it me one of the last times we saw her. She said it was good for sore muscles. I meant to try it, but to be honest I forgot about it until just now.”

“All right, let me see that tube…”

A few seconds later…

“Well, that's an odd feeling…It's kinda soothing…” But a few minutes later, Koga's mood changed, quite suddenly.

“Oh god! It burns! What the fuck is this shit! My balls are on fire!” screamed Koga. Alarm bells rang in his head, telling him that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong below the belt.

Thinking quickly, he jumped into the river and attempted to rinse his dangly parts…but the sensation refused to quit. Panicking, he thrashed around in the water like a wounded fish.

“I'll help you, Koga! Stay still!” Ginta called.

“Stay away from me! Don't touch me!”

Ginta froze, torn between following Koga's orders, and his desire to help him regain control of himself.

Eventually, Koga was able to overcome the pain, and emerged from the river, cold, wet, and shaking…

“Naraku…that bastard…Inuyasha…he's a bastard, too…I'll kick both their asses…”

He composed himself and set out back in the direction Kagura had flung him, in search of revenge.

 

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Kagura looked Sesshomaru up and down.

“We have to do something for you, come on, let's go into Naraku's lab. Maybe I can find the antidote,” she said.

“Very well. I grow tired of these fools,” the dog demon said, and he followed the wind witch into the house.

“He was in here for hours mixing various liquids…I thought he was making martinis for his Casino theme party next week. He invited everybody.”

“I received no invitation.”

“He just sent them out, like yesterday.”

“Will there be blackjack?”

“Of course, what kind of Casino party doesn't have blackjack?”

“And five card? I've got the best poker face in all of Japan.”

“There's going to be Five card and Hold `Em. He's covered all the bases. I was hoping you guys would kill him before then, so I could host it…but at this rate…” she sighed.

“I know what you mean. Once I am returned to normal, I will see to it personally.”

Kagura smiled.

 

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“Look! Naraku is stuck!” Kagome cried out, pointing at the incapacitated villain.

“Get him! Kick him while he's down, lads and lasses!” Inuyasha yelled triumphantly as he charged towards Naraku.

“Oh, shit!” Naraku exclaimed.

“I've give you a good what for, now, you pathetic twit! Take this! And that! And some of this!”

Inuyasha began stomping and kicking Naraku in the ribs while he struggled to get up. Soon, Sango and Kagome were joining in, enthusiastically beating him with their shoes.

Naraku tried to think and did the only thing he could think of. He called upon the infamous miasma. It erupted from his body and engulfed the squad, and began to suffocate them.

“Good lord, that's foul! What manner of refuse did you ingest, pig?”

“Ha ha! Fear the wrath of taco night at Golden Corral! Mwah ha ha ha!!”

Forced to retreat by the overwhelming potency of the miasma, Inuyasha and the others allowed Naraku to stand and prepare himself for more fighting.

“Prepared for another round of fisticuffs, Naraku?” Inuyasha called out.

Naraku stifled a laugh. “Fis-fisticuffs…?” he stuttered.

“Yes! Fisticuffs! Or perhaps you'd prefer pistols at dawn?”

“No, no, ahem… `Fisticuffs' is just fine with me…” Naraku chuckled.

“Very well, then! Come on, then!”

Naraku charged at Inuyasha with a fury he hadn't shown before. He was determined to defeat Inuyasha this time, once and for all.

“Suffer,” he commanded his enemy.

As he was about to strike Inuyasha, he felt a sharp pain down his spine. He abruptly stopped and turned to see Sesshomaru, back in his full glory, retracting his light whip, after slicing off a decent sized chunk of Naraku's back.

“How have you returned to normal?” Naraku questioned.

“None of your business, worm. And I am the one who addresses my foes with one word taunts,” Sesshomaru said strongly. “Die.”

He unsheathed Tokijin and flew at Naraku with unimaginable speed, slashing through him with ease. But Naraku simply reformed his body again, brushing off the blow as if it were nothing. Sesshomaru lashed out again and again, wounding Naraku repeatedly, but never inflicting a blow severe enough to kill him.

“What's the matter, Sesshomaru? Can't you defeat me?” Naraku laughed and said, “Perish.”

Sesshomaru became angry. Charging at Naraku again he commanded, “Fail.”

Naraku somehow managed to match Sesshomaru blow for blow, each time saying something to him.

“Lose,” Naraku ordered Sesshomaru.

“Vanish,” Sesshomaru replied.

“Fall.”

“Expire.”

“Um…Lose?”

“You said that one already,” Sesshomaru pointed out with a smirk. “Burn.” He thrust Tokijin through Naraku's heart, which was really Onigumo's heart, and killed him, causing Naraku to cry out and burst into flames. He was reduced to ashes in a matter of minutes.

Sesshomaru, feeling his job was done, put away Tokijin, collected Kagura and flew away with her. “So how about that drink, now, Kagura?”

“I'd be delighted, Sesshomaru. And maybe afterwards we can go back to your place and have rough sex.”

Sesshomaru nodded in agreement.

Kagome, Sango, Inuyasha and Miroku all stared at Naraku's ashes on the ground before them.

“I say, that was rather unsatisfying…I didn't get to finish my fight with him…” Inuyasha said, disappointed.

“But Naraku's dead! That's something worth celebrating! Right?” Kagome cheered. “What?”

“Kagome…look at us…We're all stuck like this. Only Naraku knew how to undo his magic. Now we can't change back to normal,” Sango said.

“Um, excuse me, lasses, but, uh, it appears we needn't lose hope just yet, for you see, Naraku is still alive and kicking,” Inuyasha pointed out, gesturing to the ashes, which were slowly compiling into Naraku once more.

“Do you really think a sword to the heart would be enough to kill me? Hah!” Naraku called out. He swung a tentacle towards the group, but he only hit a shaking emobot, who still had the revolver to its temple, afraid to pull the trigger. But Naraku's strike jarred the robot, causing it to lose control of itself for a moment, and the gun fired, ejecting the bullet, which grazed the robot's skull and set off a chain reaction inside its head.

“Error…error…programming compromised…initiate back up programming…” A CD drive opened from the robot's torso, and from it came a jet of Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, and other Emo CDs, which rained upon Naraku, and Shippo, who happened to be in the way.

“SHIT! FUCK! Kagome, I'm bleeding!” Shippo cried out, after being cut by the CDs.

“Oh my god, Shippo!” Kagome ran over to him and picked him up. His blood spilled out onto her. “Inuyasha, take him, let me get my first aid kit!”

Inuyasha took the bleeding fox in his arms and tried to calm him down.

“There, there, chap, it'll be alright…Calm down now, eh?” Shippo was bleeding everywhere. Blood shot over to Jaken and Rin, splattering them where they stood. Kirara, who was underfoot, got hit with a big glob dripping from Inuyasha's sleeves.

Kagome called out, “Sango, help me! I can't find the bandages!” Sango ran over to Kagome and helped her search, while Inuyasha handed the bloody Shippo over to Miroku.

“Stupid machine! You hurt the little bugger! You need to work on your aim, there, chap! Bloody idiot.” Inuyasha spat on the ground, and then wiped his lips reflexively, forgetting about the blood on his sleeve, which got into his mouth.

“Ugh!” he exclaimed, spitting out the blood. “What the deuce?” Suddenly, a change began to overtake Inuyasha. His hair began to grow longer, his fingernails into claws, and his ears shrank to nothing, before reappearing on top of his head.

“Well, it's about time…”

Kagome was also affected suddenly, and she gasped.

“I feel strange!” Her body contorted briefly, but soon, she was a human again, as she should be. Miroku began regaining his color and vigor, and as Sango attempted to bandage Shippo's wounds, she too began to return to her natural form.

“It makes no sense…” Naraku said, exasperated. “They weren't supposed to be able to break the spell on their own!” Then, he remembered his encounter with Koga earlier…

…Naraku looked into his coffee cup, contemplated, then threw the contents in Koga's face.

“PPBBLT!” Koga yelled, spitting. “What the fuck? What is this?”

“The blood of the innocent. Fresh Squeezed…”

“Shit!” Naraku exclaimed. “The blood of the innocent!” He looked at Shippo. “Son of a bitch!”

“Ha. The little shit was good for something after all!”

Kagome looked at Inuyasha, slightly disappointed. “I'm going to miss the politeness and the manners, but oh well…At least his ears are back…”

Inuyasha twitched.

“I'm going to kill you know, Naraku! Backlash Wa-” he called out.

“Hey! Look over there!” Naraku shouted, pointing.

“Oh no, I ain't falling for that again!” Inuyasha yelled back.

“No, really, look!”

Inuyasha turned, and saw a whirlwind approaching.

“Mutt-face! Douchebag! Prepare for the beating of your lives!” Koga barked, with rage.

Inuyasha had a shit expression on his face.

“Right in the middle of my Backlash Wave, you gotta show up?!” he yelled in annoyance.

“Hey! Hey! Look at me!” Naraku shouted.

“Shut up, mangy mutt, I'll show up when I want to!” Koga fired back at Inuyasha.

“Hey! Heeey! Come on, look at me! Guys! Look at me!” Naraku continued, backing away slowly.

“You wanna die, flea-bitten wolf?” Inuyasha retorted.

“Bring it on, dog-boy!” Koga shouted.

“Look at me!! I'm escaping! Ha ha!” Naraku called out, continuing to back away

“SHUDDAP!” shouted Koga and Inuyasha at the same time.

Naraku became furious. Here he was, trying to have some fun by humiliating his closest enemies, and now here they are, disrupting his beer time, and they aren't even paying attention to him. I'll teach them to ignore me… Naraku thought. He did the first thing that came to mind…He kicked Koga in the sack.

“OOF! Why does this keep happening to meee…?” Koga whined, as he collapsed for the third time.

“Stop ignoring me! Raar! Wait, what's that thing doing?” Naraku said, looking at the emobot.

There were lights flashing inside its head, and numbers and digits were flashing by its eyes in rapid succession.

“Initiate operation mode 2…Transforming…in 5…4…3…”

“What the hell is it doing?” Inuyasha asked.

“…2…1…Transform!”

The robot folded in on itself several times, until it had compressed itself into a short barrel, with a trigger, a stock, and a sight. The robot had turned into a shoulder-mounted guided missile launcher.

It began to emit a bright light and hover…and when Inuyasha neared it, it floated towards him. He picked it up, held it in his arms…felt overcome by its potential…

“My god…Kagome, can you feel the aura this thing is putting out? It's like 5 Tetsusaiga's!”

Kagome could indeed feel it, and was shocked.

So was Naraku. “Fi-Five Tetsusaiga's…? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck this…Fuck this shit, I'm getting out of here!” He ran, actually ran this time, trying to escape with effort.

Inuyasha laughed, giddy with anticipation. He raised his new toy, aimed, and pulled the trigger.

FOOM

The missile was launched directly at Naraku, who immediately tried to fly away with the Sanyosho.

But he was too slow. The missile had already locked onto his energy signature, and was closing in fast. It connected, and erupted into a ball of fire, smoke, plasma, and molten shrapnel. Naraku's body was torn asunder by the explosion, sending pieces flying miles in each direction.

When the smoke began to dissipate , Inuyasha, covered in gunpowder and smoke residue, wore an expression of pure bliss combined with shock. The crater he had created was larger than anything he had ever made before with his Tetsusaiga. Everyone else was simply shocked, as well as lying on the ground, thrown there by the force of the blast.

After about ten or twenty minutes, the smoke had entirely cleared, and Inuyasha, still stunned, began to laugh.

“Ha ha! Oh my god…Oh my god! OWNED! FUCKING OWNED! DID YOU SEE THAT? DID YOU SEE THAT?? FUCKING SMOKED HIM!!” Inuyasha shouted. He jumped up and beat the air with his fist in celebration. Everyone slowly got up and joined in with Inuyasha's laughter.

“WHAT?! You can't mess with that!! You can't touch that! OWNED! TOTALLY FUCKING OWNED!” Inuyasha screamed at the meager puff of smoke that remained of Naraku.

He put down the missile launcher, grabbed Kagome's hands and started dancing and laughing with her. They had done it. Naraku had been defeated…Inuyasha had gotten some from Kagome…Sesshomaru was going to score…Everybody was back to normal.

 

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Sesshomaru woke up in a place he did not recognize. Kagura was asleep, nude, next to him, covered in sweat, tangled up in the sheets, as was he. There were empty beer bottles and cans all over the room, as well as a significant amount of clothing. He looked around. As he got up, Kagura roused from slumber.

“Where're you going? Come back to bed…” she said sleepily.

“What did we do last night, Kagura? It looks like a war-zone in here.”

“You don't remember? You were pretty tanked…”

“If I did anything in a drunken stupor that would damage my reputation…”

“Sessy, I don't remember what happened last night either…Come to think of it, where are we?”

“It appears to be a hotel. But nothing like I've ever seen before…”

Just then, a very scared naked woman ran out of the bathroom…followed by a very scared naked man…then another woman…and another man…then a thing…and a goat.

“Hmm…I'm not sure I want to know what went on last night…” Sesshomaru said.

“Must've been fun, though…” Kagura said.

“Indeed.”

 

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Koga slowly woke up as someone patted his face. It was Ginta.

“Get up, Koga, the fanfic's over,” he said.

“Already? But I was barely in it! I was unconscious half the time!”

“What do you want me to do? It's over, you can't go back in time. Unless you're a pubescent Japanese schoolgirl who happens to be the reincarnation of a priestess, and whose family owns a shrine with a sacred well and a sacred tree, and…”

“I get it. Goddamnit. I'm going to beat the shit out of this author…”

Just then Hakkaku showed up.

“Here, boss, I got this for your balls. Catch.” Hakkaku threw a bag full of ice at Koga, but Koga was all with it, and the bag went through his hands and landed right in his lap.

He winced with pain.

“Son of a…”

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Well, folks…that's the end…It was a good run, but it's over. I had a hell of a good time writing this, and I hope you all had a good time reading it. I hope to see reviews after I put this chapter up. If inspiration strikes in the future, maybe I'll make another comedy. I'll be around…

-grayfox01