InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor ❯ I Cannot Believe This Is Happening Right Before My Eyes ( Chapter 3 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Naraku's Sick Sense of Humor

Chapter III…I Cannot Believe This Is Happening Right Before My Eyes

Inuyasha = not mine

Initializing chapter 3…begin in 3…2…1…

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“Inuyasha,” Kagome said.

“What's up?”

“Something's wrong…”

“What?”

“Look at us…”

“Kagome, there's nothing wrong with what we're doing…It's natural…”

“No, you idiot, look at us!”

Inuyasha got off of Kagome and looked at his hands and body. He was transforming into something…something weird…

“What's going on now?” He dove into Kagome's backpack and pulled out a mirror. Looking into it, he could see his face changing in front of him. His black hair in his human form was shortening and turning white again. His ears became very large, and his face wrinkled. His teeth also grew in size, but not into fangs.

“My god…” Kagome said. “He's turned into Tony Blair…”

“NOOOO! …Who's Tony Blair?”

“The Prime Minister of England.”

“What's an England?”

“That's hardly the issue here!” Kagome cried out, suddenly writhing as her body shape-shifted as well.

Her ears disappeared and reappeared as black dog ears on her head. Her teeth became fangs. She turned into something that would resemble Inuyasha's sister.

“…The fuck?”

The potion had also affected Sango and Miroku from their vantage point behind the brush.

“Sango…what's wrong with my head?”

Sango looked at him…

“Miroku…there's a giant horn sticking out of your forehead…”

Miroku looked at Sango, and nearly cried.

“Sango, my sweet Sango…”

“What?”

“Thank the Gods you are unchanged…”

“Really? Wow, I'm lucky…”

She got up and went to see how Inuyasha and Kagome were doing. Miroku noticed something, though, as she got up…She had a long cat-like tail.

“Well, I suppose I could get used to that…”

Shippo sat up.

“Miroku…FUCK!”

Miroku turned to him.

“How are we going to fight Naraku now? …WHORE! Inuyasha has turned into a politician, and you've got a massive protrusion sticking out from your forehead…SHIT! I have faith in Sango, but she can't take on Naraku all by herself…COCK! BITCH!”

“Well, Shippo…I…uh…” Miroku thought for a minute. “…At least Kagome is in some way capable…”

Shippo just looked at him. His silence said it all.

Miroku realized Shippo had a point. “Hmm…this is very dire indeed…”

Inuyasha came towards the fire, adjusting his tie and jacket.

“Quite a predicament, eh lad? We `aven't a chance. We'll `ave to rely on the `elp of others, now…Let's pray that my dear brother Sesshomaru `as regained some of `is powers. Othahwise, we're bloody well fucked,” he said in a striking British accent.

Miroku stared at him.

“My forehead hurts like hell.”

“Let's take a look at that, then, lad, shall we?”

Inuyasha reached out and touched the horn. It gave way a bit, and Inuyasha for some reason grabbed it and pulled.

Miroku screamed like a little girl as Inuyasha pulled the horn from his scalp.

“Goddamnit! What are you doing?!”

Inuyasha `eld tha `orn in `is `and…erhem… “held the horn in his hand”…and it began to swell up, so he dropped it.

“Well, I say…little bugger…”

The horn twisted and writhed on the ground.

Sango came into the camp and watched.

“What's that?”

“It came out of our Miroku's fore `ead…I haven't a clue as to what it's doing, though, luv.”

The horn was now the size of a man, and it split open…from it, like a butterfly emerging from a burrito, a robot burrowed its way out into the world.

“I live!” it cried, reaching towards the skies. “But I don't want to…I'm so sad…”

Speakers appeared from it's chest and began playing My Chemical Romance. A metal panel grew out from its head and slid down over one eye, then turned into fibers, like hair. The robot pulled out a knife and began slashing at its wrists.

“Oh no…it's Emo. It's an emobot…” said Kagome, holding her head in her hands.

“Weh heh heh heh…” the robot cried as it hacked away at itself, uselessly. It's made of metal. It can't exactly slit its wrist, can it?

The robot opened a compartment in its chest and took out a tiny pair of pants and a tiny shirt and put them on. They were camo pants and a black shirt with someone dying a poetic death on it.

“Oh god, it thinks its Scene, too…Someone kill me…” Kagome said, slowly shaking her head.

“I wish someone would kill me…I'm so sad…my life is pathetic…I don't deserve to live…Weh heh heh heh heh…” cried the robot. A giant belt buckle emerged from its waist.

Miroku looked over at Sango and said, “Did we drop acid or something and fall asleep in front of the TV?”

Sango shrugged and shook her head. “At this point, I think anything's possible.”

Shippo looked up at the robot and said, “Stop crying, dude, you're a freaking robot…PUSSY!”

This made the robot cry even harder. The music in turn got louder.

“Oh my god, I'm going to have a stroke…” Kagome said.

Inuyasha approached the emobot and said in his new accent, “I say, old chap, stop all this ruckus and whatnot. You're being a silly little runt, is all, and we all don't want nor think you should die. Now cheer up, bloke! Chin up, stiff upper lip, all that rot!”

“Happiness goes against my programming…” sobbed the emobot.

Kagome stared at the emobot with fury.

“Why are you here?” she asked.

The emobot looked back at her and said, “I'm here…to die…Weh heh heh heh…”

“Good lord…” Kagome said, rubbing her forehead in frustration.

****************************************

Mini-Sesshomaru and his entourage were closing in on what they thought to be Naraku's fortress. However, they only came upon Kagura, and another being who smelled of Naraku. Sesshomaru looked at the other demon and said, “Who are you, and what are you doing with Kagura?”

The demon looked at Sesshomaru and laughed.

“What're you going to do about it, kiddo?”

Jaken was infuriated.

“Nobody talks to my Lord Sesshomaru that way, baby…You just made him angry, and he's one bad mutha-”

“Shut yo' mouth!” Rin cut in.

“Only talkin' `bout Sesshomaru!” Jaken fired back.

“I can dig it.”

“Interesting,” Sesshomaru said. “You call me a child, yet it is you who smell as though you've urinated all over yourself.”

The demon was caught off guard.

“Have you no response?”

“Shut up!”

“What do you call yourself? I'd like to know so I may find your grave after I kill you and defecate on it.”

“My name is Ash Ketchum, and I'm going to be a Pokemon master!”

“Wrong show, idiot.”

Sesshomaru unsheathed Tokijin and sliced off the demon's head without trouble, even with his reduced size.

Kagura looked relieved.

“Oh, thank GOD! That fucker has been blabbing on and on about `gonna catch 'em all' and `my whatevermon blah blah blah' ever since Naraku spewed him out this morning. I finally just began to tune it out, but still, it gets you subconsciously,” she said. “Hey, why are you so tiny?”

Sesshomaru jumped up onto a rock eye level with Kagura.

“I was hoping you could tell me…seeing how it was your scent I detected the other night…”

“I was just following Naraku's orders to humiliate Inuyasha and his friends. You weren't a target. Besides, you aren't the only collateral damage in this…”

“I was trying not to say anything about the beard, but now that you mention it…”

Jaken and Rin were off gossiping in the corner.

Kagura nodded slowly.

“That douchebag Koga was also affected. You turned him into a douchebag who shouts all the time,” Sesshomaru commented.

“Sorry.”

“Inuyasha kicked him in the testicles, though, so it's okay. So…what're you doing after the fanfic?”

“Nothing as of right now…why?”

“Oh, just asking…Want to go catch a movie or something? Go get a couple of beers?”

“Sure. I'll bring Kanna. She makes a good end table to rest drinks on.”

Jaken and Rin were snickering about something, and Jaken was encouraging Rin to go over to the two demons. Rin was gesturing that she would, so she did.

“Lady Kagura?”

Kagura and Sesshomaru both looked at Rin.

“Is it true?”

“Is what true, kid?”

“That you're Lord Sesshomaru's baby mama?”

Jaken was in hysterics over by the trees.

“Erhem…um…” Kagura stalled. “Wow, look at the time, gotta go!” She gestured at Sesshomaru and mouthed, “Call me,” before hopping on her feather and flying off.

Sesshomaru got off the rock and went over to Jaken, and kicked him.

“Jaken, if you ever try to cock-block me again, I will not hesitate to destroy you.”

“Don't hate the playa, baby, hate the game…”

Jaken earned another kick from his Lord.

*************************************

Back at Naraku's castle, Naraku was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing his bathrobe and spectacles, and reading the newspaper, while drinking from a ridiculously huge coffee mug with the label “World's Greatest SOB” on it.

Kanna was standing there, staring at the wall blankly, when Kagura walked in.

“And where have you been, young lady?” Naraku asked, not taking his eyes off the paper.

“I, uh, was just doing what you asked of me, Naraku…”

“Where's Ash?”

“Oh, he, uh, saw a pokey-man, and was, uh trying to catch it, when it…ate him…”

“Really…You know, I told you before, I don't want you going out with that Sesshomaru boy, he's no good. How many times do we have to have this discussion?”

“I'm old enough now to make my own decisions! I'll see who I want, when I want!”

“If you're living in my house, you'll follow my rules! Now go to your room!” he shouted peeking over the top of the paper.

“Don't tell me what to do; you're not my real father! WAAAAH!” Kagura ran upstairs crying.

“That hurts me, Kagura! Hurts me in my heart!” Naraku yelled, pulling something out of his pocket and squeezing it.

“OW! Stop that!”

“No.”

Kanna turned around.

“Someone's coming…”

Naraku stood up and accidentally knocked her over. She did nothing.

“Oh, sorry, you okay?”

“I have no soul….My life has no meaning…”

The doorbell rang.

“Fucking Girl Scouts…For the last time, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR GODDAMN COOKIES! TELL YOUR SCOUT LEADER TO SHOVE IT!”

“Singing Telegram for a… `Douchebag'…at this address…” came the reply.

“There's no one here by that name,” Naraku said, opening the door.

“I still need for you to sign for it,” said the delivery boy. He handed Naraku a pen and a clipboard.

Naraku took the pen and signed the document.

“Good enough?”

“No. NOW, KOGA!”

The delivery boy jumped out of the way, and allowed Koga to rush into Naraku's living room.

“PREPARE TO DIE NARAKU!”

“Get out of my house!”

“NOT UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD! I HOPE YOU SAID YOUR PRAYERS!”

“Why are you shouting?”

“YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR POTION, DOUCHEBAG!”

Naraku looked into his coffee cup, contemplated, then threw the contents in Koga's face.

“PPBBLT!” Koga yelled, spitting. “What the fuck? What is this?”

“The blood of the innocent. Fresh Squeezed.” Naraku pointed to his kitchen juicer, which had an angel wing sticking out of it.

“What the f…Hey, my voice is back to normal!” Koga commented.

“Yeah, that was getting annoying real quick.” Naraku replied.

“Where was I?”

“Something about `say your prayers,' `prepare to die,' all that clichéd BS.”

“Oh yeah…”

Before Koga could speak, Naraku wound up and kicked him in the groin.

“That's still very tender…” Koga said, passing out and falling down.

“Kagura!” Naraku yelled out.

“I'm not speaking to you!”

“Stop crying and take this trash out before I come up there and give you something to cry about!” Naraku said, taking off his belt and grasping it tightly.

Kagura reluctantly came downstairs, with the worst expression on her face, pulled out her fan and said half-heartedly, “Dance of the Dragon…”

Koga was blown outside, and sent flying some number of miles away.

Kagura stomped off again, mumbling under her breath, “Lazy piece of…can't even take out his own trash…I oughtta…”

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

“I'm getting tired of your lip, young lady! No more back-sass, or I'll take away your telephone!”

“You wouldn't dare…” Kagura glared directly into Naraku's eyes.

Naraku returned the glare. “Watch me.”

Kagura shouted, frustrated, “I'm going out!”

“My ass, you are! You get back up there and sulk, missy!”

“I AM going out!”

“Just try it!”

“Watch me!”

Kagura threw her feather out the door, jumped on and sped off.

“You just remember who pays for the insurance on that thing!” Naraku called after her, as she left his sight. “Damn kids…harder and harder to control.”

He looked at Kanna, still lying on her side from when she fell over.

“I guess they all can't be like you, Kanna,” Naraku sighed.

“I feel cold and hollow inside…Like a refrigerator…”

*************************************

Inuyasha looked up at the sky and said, “I say, I do believe that there goes that old chap Koga. Rather odd, for him to be flying in this weather. Or flying at all, for that matter.”

Kagome looked at Inuyasha, then at her other two friends. “We really, REALLY need to do something about this…”

The emobot cried some more, but stopped when it realized no one was paying attention to it.

“We really need to do something about THAT, too…”

Miroku nodded.

Sango had sprouted cat's whiskers, and was licking the back of her hand.

Miroku looked at her strangely.

“What?” she asked, looking back at the monk.

“I suppose I could get used to that as well…” he said, stroking his chin.

“Get used to what?”

Inuyasha butted in.

“I say, why don't we take a bit of advice from dear old Koga and head in that direction. More likely than not, he was flung from Naraku's fortress, perhaps we could find it and end all this silliness, yes yes?”

Everyone stared at Inuyasha blankly.

“What? Did I say something to alarm you all? Or do I have something in my teeth?”

“It's just that…coming from you…that was incredibly intelligent…” Sango said.

“Well, that's not very nice, luv, is it? Now then, shall we?”

Inuyasha turned and began walking towards Naraku's fortress, whistling a merry tune as he went.

“Anyone else disturbed by all this?” Kagome asked.

Everyone raised their hand.

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Naraku had just sat down with a beer when the doorbell rang again.

“Mother fucker…” he cursed. “It's those Jehovah's Witnesses again, isn't it?”

He got up and peeked through the blinds. Sesshomaru was standing there patiently waiting.

Naraku opened the door.

“Why are you here?”

“I came here to kill you…and to pick up Kagura for our date,” Sesshomaru said without wavering.

“Well, she's not here. And you can't kill me. I have a barrier, stupid. Only Inuyasha can break through my barrier. Didn't you see that episode?”

Sesshomaru sighed. “Yes, I remember that one. Can we fight already, I grow tired of being this short. I had enough of that during childhood.”

“Very well. We'll go out to the courtyard. I just had the floors refinished, I'd rather not mess them up.” He walked outside.

“Hmm…that can be very expensive. Aren't you afraid of ruining the rosebushes in the garden?”

“Bah. Those things would survive the Apocalypse. Ready?” Naraku removed his bathrobe and put his glasses in the pocket.

“Are you?” Sesshomaru countered, unsheathing Tokijin.

Just then, a voice was heard from a ways away.

“I say, old chap! Mind holding off a bit, eh? Wouldn't want to miss a bit of the fun, now, it'll be bloody entertaining.”

“Inuyasha…that couldn't possibly be you…”

“No, no, `tis I, my brother. You see, this old chap here, Naraku, he thought it'd be a scream to make us madder than wet hens by transforming each of us into something silly. Not very funny though, eh, old boy?”

Naraku laughed and screamed, “I disagree!” then began rolling on the ground in hysterics.

“You poor, misguided bloke…I dare say I'm going to have to end your bloody life right now…Hmm, indubitably,” Inuyasha retorted.

Sesshomaru examined Inuyasha's party. “How do you intend to fight, Inuyasha? The monk looks half-dead, the demon slayer has become a cat girl, your priestess is just as useless as a half-breed than as a mortal, and …is that a… sad robot?”

“Oh, come now Sesshomaru, we're just as good as before! We're all chipper and good, ready to go, take the bull by the horns…”

“What exactly do you intend to do, Inuyasha? …Debate Naraku to death?”

Naraku roared with even more laughter at that comment.

“Why…I intend to do this…Iron Reaver Soul Stealer…yes, indeed…”

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Next time…on the most idiotic story ever…How will Inuyasha fight as an English politician? Better? Worse? Could I have thought of something better for Kagome? What's up with that FLCL-inspired robot? Could it be the key to everything? Or just cannon fodder? Am I on drugs? Will this make sense at the end? Why has no one reviewed me yet? Don't you like me? Or hate me and want to flame me?

Anyway…one more chapter to go…then we can put all this insanity behind us and go to bed.