InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Once Upon an Inuyoukai ❯ Ashes ( Chapter 19 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Empatheia 
Creeeeeeepy.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Hentai / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.03.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 253 | Status: Work In Progress
Creeeeeeepy.
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Hentai / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 03.03.2006 | Pages: 4 | Words: 4.0K | Visits: 253 | Status: Work In Progress
A/N- Sorry for disappearing for a while there. I had a couple of term papers to write. Hope you can all forgive me for my neglect! This chapter is creepy, just to warn you. There's definitely some uncomfortable material in here, though nothing specific. I hope you enjoy it!
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Ch apter XIX: Ashes
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Around a campfire in a wise forest sat a motley group of thoroughly uncomfortable people.
They were waiting.
The dog demon's son sat in a tree and steadfastly practiced pretending he was elsewhere. The priestess studied her hands and wished there was a way to surrender to her heart and still retain her beloved calling. The general wished the same. Meanwhile, the toad, the dragon, and the lion reflected on how much they'd love to take a hatchet to the palpable tension hanging over the gloomy clearing.
OooooooooO
Unconscious in the arms of someone far stronger and far crueler than she, a beautiful human woman with hair like raven's wings dreamt uneasily. Her bearer smiled as he carried her towards darkness and defilement, and his teeth, gleaming in the setting sun, were white as marble doves.
OoooooooO
Breathing ragged and gasping, the dog demon galloped through the clouds, paws digging into the wind and propelling him onwards. Images of someone with a secretly blinding smile who meant something undefinable to him, helpless and hurting, galvanized his tired limbs and he continued thundering on. He prayed he was not too late, but the even the gods had folded their hands and retreated out of fear of his enemy. The wind tore at him as though to hold him back, but he paid it no mind.
OoooooooO
The mountain saw everything, and did not care.
For years now, it had watched the sun rise and fall, rise and fall... and rise and rise and fall and fall. It had pondered the shapes of clouds and the colours of the changing hours. It had felt the trees dig their roots a little deeper into its awesomely silent sides, felt the wind and rain devour its flesh slowly day by day.
The mountain was old.
It could not move, and so it watched.It watched the creeping seasons light the land it sat on, watched the rivers eat deeper into the earth with soft grey teeth. The birds were beautiful to watch, but moved so quickly, the mountain could hardly follow. The moon was the mountain's favorite companion-- it was so slow and gentle, with none of the impatient harshness of the sun's frantic scrabble across the sky.
The mountain was restless. It had been for several years now. If stone could feel pain, it would have been like an ache deep in the gut, a building pressure and sickly bloating of inflexible sides. The mountain knew the feeling very well, for it happened every few decades or so. It was never pleasant. The mountain gave its version of a sigh and watched the dog claw desperately through the malicious wind, and wondered slowly with groaning ponderosity what was going on that made the great being so frantic.
The mountain watched, and did not care overmuch. It would pass, as all things did.
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"Can you hear it, little brother?" Ryuunomei whispered. "The screaming of the land? Something is happening."
Ryuukotsusei shifted his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. "I don't hear anything, Nii-sama."
The dark silhouette against the brilliant slash of light that was the only window made an annoyed sound. "How could you possibly not hear that? You must be deaf."
"Yes, nii-sama."
"It's pathetic, really. It's so loud it's making my head hurt, and you could probably go to sleep right now without any problem."
"Yes, nii-sama."
The figure turned from the blinding window to sway across the floor. "Did you bring her?"
"Yes, nii-sama."
"Is she unharmed?"
"Yes, nii-sama."
Ryuunomei chuckled, a dark and humourless sound. "My, aren't you eloquent today."
",,,Yes, nii-sama."
The dragon heaved a long-suffering sigh and padded back to the window. "You bore me. Leave. Send the woman in for dinner in two candle-marks. Make her presentable."
"Yes, nii-sama." After bowing deeply, the shaking warrior demon strode out of the hall as fast as was polite.
A black smile wound its way across Ryuunomei's pale face. "Good, good. All is well now."
OooooooooooooooO
The kimono was beautiful. The kimono was also hideous and wrong in every stitch. She looked at it and simultaneously admired it and wanted to burn it to ashes. It lay on the bed, mocking her fear with its sinuous lines and twisted beauty. She ran a hand over its opulent panels and shuddered.
"Go on then, Izayoi-chan. Put it on."
She drew her shoulders up around her ears, trying to make herself as small as possible. The room around closed in as though embracingly her lovingly. Familiar walls, hateful walls. Izayoi knew every knot in the ceiling beams, and hated each one separately.
That one looks like a horse. I used to imagine it running away with me on its back, during... and that one looks like the sun, and that one always reminded me of a waterfall.
They were like old, unwelcome friends, those whorls and loops in the grain of the wood. She had used to construct entire sagas for them, each little knot a separate, distinct character, and play them out endlessly in her head. They had distracted her from what lay between her and them.
The sun was setting-- she watched the shoji light from without as though aflame. How many times had she seen that very sight, lying on her back with pain her entire existence? More times than she could count. The optical illusion of burning paper fascinated her now as it always had then. Izayoi watched how over and over the flaming door did not crumble into ash, and when the last sliver of molten heat abruptly vanished, smiled sadly at the uncharred white expanse. Every night, the palace burned to the ground, only to be reborn in the night as though never touched.
It was all heartbreakingly familiar. Izayoi felt sick.
"Come on now, Izayoi-chan. You don't have all night. I'll send the maid in."
She did not reply, only continued to look expressionlessly at the stunning silk garment sprawled wantonly on the bed. The sheer layers of under-kimono were dyed ever-brighter shades of red, vulgar and bloody. The over-kimono was what made her shudder, though. It was black and did not reflect the light, and across its dark expanses, curling around where her calves and thighs would be, cavorted a pair of demonic lovers. They were completely bare and luminously white against the devouring black of the background, and their eyes were blazing red as they scored each other with sharp, gory nails. The wide obi was the exact colour of dried blood in moonlight.
It made her want to vomit, just looking at it. However, there was nothing for it-- here alone in Ryuunomei's stronghold, she had no power to resist. She was accustomed to obedience in any case, and falling back into felt as natural as breathing.
Izayoi resigned herself.
Resolutely, she ignored Ryuukotsusei's presence and let her traveling clothes fall to the floor in a crude heap. His eyes burned her back, and she steeled herself against the tears that threatened. The crimson silk was cold and slick as she slipped it around her pebbled flesh. Winter was pounding on autumn's doorstep, now, not merely approaching. The days grew cold and impersonal.
She slowly donned the fifth and last layer of red silk and turned to the abomination on the futon. It was heavy in her hands, and slithered as she lifted it.
I have been shamed worse than this. There is nothing for it.
The weight of it pulled her into the floor, and she knew without looking that the cleverly designed lovers were now wrapped around her legs, artistically tormenting each other. The maid padded in and expertly wrapped the endless obi around her waist tightly, securing it with a flamboyant, vulgar knot that was almost never used by any but the cheapest and least dignified of ladies-in-waiting. The entire thing was designed to humiliate her.
So, Izayoi decided not to let it affect her. She made up her mind to pretend it was merely plain black, and to forget about the come-hither knot on the back of her obi. She would not lower her head again to him!
"You look lovely, Izayoi-chan," Ryuukotsusei drawled from behind her.
"Thank you, Ryuukotsusei-sama," she answered flatly. She knew her eyes had lost their depth and sparkle. They would be flat as hazelnut husks, now, and about as lively.
"Let's go, I'm sure nii-sama is waiting for us by now."
Despite her every effort not to let herself feel anything, her heart still viciously twisted in on itself and her gut wrenched painfully. "Yes." She followed him mindlessly down corridors she knew blindfolded and backwards. Her feet knew the way, though she thought she'd forgotten.
The smell of fish and miso wafted past her nose.
"Here we are!" the dragon proclaimed cheerfully. "Nii-sama will be so happy to see you. He's missed you ever so much."
Blind terror gripped her and she lost control of her legs. They continued walking steadily after Ryuukotsusei without her. The man waiting behind the doors had always been able to do this do her without any effort at all.
Ryuunomei.
She tightened her hands in the disgusting folds of the kimono and stared unblinkingly at nothing.
In my last life, I must have been a terrible person for my karmic debt to lash back so horrifically. Oh, kami, I'm so afraid of him. So afraid.
She had suffered under him for years and years, far too terrified of the threatened consequences to breathe a word of her pain to anyone. Izayoi knew, as few others did, what being alone truly meant. 'Alone' had nothing to do with how many people surrounded her. 'Alone' meant having no one to turn to, no one to stand with, no one to stand with her, no matter where she was. She had been alone for years in the middle of a busy castle full of people. Her family had been there, and her friends. It made no difference, none whatsoever. If she could not reach out and share with them, they were as good as absent. That was what 'alone' meant.
And now, despite all her hope and all the promises of the future, she was alone again, right back where she'd started. The feeling of it was mercilessly crushing her heart, flattening it against the stone floor of her soul with its oppressive weight. There was no hope. No consolation, not here.
Alone.
Golden eyes and moonlight hair flashed across her mind, but she ruthlessly shut them out. There was no use thinking of him-- he was one, and they were many. He would die in the attempt.
If he even tries... which he probably won't. I'm just a human woman, after all, and a burden to him. He's better off without me. I can wish all I want for him to save me-- it isn't going to happen. No matter how much I want it.
Oh, Inutaisho.
Ryuukotsusei slid the doors open with a great air of pomp, ushering her in. Her limbs obeyed without her consent.
A rag doll. That's what I feel like. A puppet rag doll, with strings leading to his fingers. His beautiful, beautiful fingers.
She walked in and faced the other half of her soul.
He stood indolently at the head of the low table, deep blue kimono hanging on his tall, delicate frame as though on a hangar-- straight and shapeless. He had combed his unruly violet hair, and it lay quiescent about the fine bones of his jaw. And his eyes were just the same, just the same as she remembered. Cold and hard as gemstones, but so much more beautiful and alive.
She loved him, more than just a little. Since she'd been a child, he had always awed her with his presence and power. As she'd grown, it had become somewhat of a fascination and she'd followed his every move with wide-eyed attention. Thus, when he had finally begun to pay notice to her, she'd been overjoyed and had given him anything he asked.
Hours and hours she'd spent running every errand he ran across, bathing his feet, massaging his shoulders, tending him when his ill health got the better of him. Her infatuation had grown, then turned into a tenderness and respect as the years had passed. From there, it had metamorphosed into helpless love without her noticing. Until the day...
Iza-chan, will you come with me a minute?
She bowed gracefully to him and he tilted his head back at her. "That kimono looks delectable on you, my dear. I wish I had remembered it earlier."
"Thank you, my lord."
Iza-chan, I want to check something. Will you take that kimono off? Just for a minute, I promise.
"Have a seat, have a seat! The chefs have truly outdone themselves this time. Please!"
Her limbs leaped to action, dragging her woodenly across the floor. He moved to meet her.
"Oh, Izayoi-chan, I've missed you so. Have you missed me?" He folded his long, thin arms corded with ropy muscle around her shoulders. Her arms raised themselves to curl around his slender back and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Yes, my lord."
Kami, what I wouldn't give to be lying. But I have, haven't I. He hurt me so much, but sometimes... those times afterwards when he fell asleep, and his face was slack and careless... the times when I was upset and he worked so hard to make me smile... the times when I caught him off guard and he cried on my shoulder...
"I'm glad. I'm so glad!" His face, which she had seen in every range of emotion possible, was currently wide and guileless, almost innocent. She could read the truth in his eyes-- he had missed her, for whatever reason.
You're very beautiful, Iza-chan. Why are you covering yourself? You have nothing to be ashamed of.
"Please, sit down. Here." He grandly indicated the cushion next to his. There was an opulent feast laid out on the table, and she suddenly realized just how hungry she was after two days of travel with only dried fruit and meat to eat.
She sank down, following his pointed finger. He followed suit moments later.
"How have you been, Iza-chan?"
Are you all right, Iza-chan? I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to, I lost control. I am ashamed of myself... can you forgive me?
"I've been well, my lord."
He waited a minute, as though expecting more. "That's all? I leave you alone in the middle of nowhere for two years, without friend or help, and all you can say is 'I've been well?'" he echoed incredulously. "I was expecting you to rail at me, strike me, weep, something."
I am never happier than when I am with you, Izayoi my love. Will you stay with me forever and ever? I promise not to hurt you anymore!
"Did you?" she asked, and her voice was supremely uninterested. She was proud. It seemed her skill at concealing her emotions and suppressing them had increased.
He frowned, pale lips curving downwards in a way that made her want to trace them with her fingertips. "This isn't like you, Iza-chan. Is there something wrong?"
"No. It's good to be home."
Home. This is my home. This is... where I belong.
What would he have been like, I wonder, if when he was a child they had left pain and suffering out of his education? What would he have been like if I had been there with him? I think, perhaps, he would have been wonderful. I believe this is what the writers call a 'tragedy'. He is so beautiful, and so ruined.
"Help yourself, Iza-chan. The food is wonderful, we have a new chef."
Iza-chan... I love you. Thank you for not hating me.
"Ryuunomei-sama..."
"No need for such a formal honorific! Why so stiff?"
"...have you been well?"
He smiled, brilliant and clear. "Not really. I've been... very lonely, Iza-chan. Can I tell you something?"
She nodded, picking at her grilled snapper.
"Truth is, I regretted every minute since leaving you out there. I wanted to bring you back, but because of the talisman I couldn't. I'm so glad you're back, and unharmed."
She sat in silence, and listened to her heart tear itself to shreds. He could have been so great. Why? Why? The food was very good, she knew, but it tasted bland and worthless on her tongue.
"Won't you yell? Won't you tell me how you feel?"
"I am not angry. My wounds have healed."
Humans are so fragile! What have I done to you, my little flower? It is too much. I cannot look at you. Leave me alone!
"Is that all you were angry with me for?"
For a long, long moment she sat and tried to wrap the silence around her. She failed, as she'd known she would. Looking up, she met his eyes. Green as springtime. "Why..." she began, hoarsely.
He sat expectantly, straight-backed.
"Why... why did you leave me alone?" she gasped, the truth of the pain in her words leaving jagged edges to her voice. "I would have died for you. Why? Why?"
A thunderstruck expression slammed into his pale face and his limbs twitched involuntiarly. "I..." He disappeared for a split second from his place, and immediately reappeared at her side. Even years later, his movements were still too fast for her human eyes to follow. "Iza-chan... Izayoi..."
Inutaisho never called me by name. I was always 'woman' to him. I'd forgotten how good it feels to hear my name from lips of someone I love...
"I'm so sorry. I promise I'll never do it again. Can you ever forgive me?"
The food lay forgotten on the table, hours of effort disregarded. She was not hungry at all, not anymore. "Ryuu...nomei... sama," she staggered, trying to express everything at once but not having enough voice for it all.
She was frozen in place and could not move. You hurt me. You hurt me so much! But still... I wish...
He chuckled, and the sound broke her heart all over again. "I suppose not. I don't blame you. I've hurt you so much, and never apologized for it. I know that I am a terrible person, not worthy of love. But sometimes, I just wish..."
Izayoi broke, cried out, and threw her arms around him. He was manipulating her, she knew. In the depths of his mind, he was cold and calculating, constructing every sentence to make her feel the most. She was not stupid. His every move was clear and obvious to her now that she'd had time to think about it.
Even so... even deeper than this part of him, I see what he might have been. And seeing it, I grieve that it was never realized, that potential. He is pulling me around by my strings, but because I know this I don't mind. I am deeper than that.
"Ryuunomei-sama, you are manipulating me," she said flatly, fingers tangled in his once-orderly hair. "Please stop it, I don't need your machinations to make me love you."
He went still. "What did you say?" he said quietly.
"You are twisted and ruined. Yet still, I see behind everything you do to the reasons you do them. I love you, Ryuunomei-sama, despite every reason you've given me not to. When you say these things, I see how you try to manipulate me. And I'm telling you now, you don't need to. I need no convincing to love you. I have always loved you." She tightened her grip on his frail, powerful form. "You hurt me. You hurt me so much! But I see farther than that. I will never hate you. I could never hate you, because I see you for everything you are. Ryuunomei-sama..."
He trembled beneath her hands. "You're lying," he rasped. "I am despicable. There is nothing in me worth loving. You lie!"
She pulled back a ways, the heavy silk of the gory kimono rustling, and cupped his face in her hands. His eyes were full of confusion, whirling with incomprehension and anger. She dug her fingers gently into his temples, willing him to understand.
"You are wrong," she said, simply. "There is something in you worth loving, despite every terrible thing you've done. For those, I may never be able to forgive you. Thousands of my people are dead because of that barrier you created, from the atrocities you've committed in your time. But I have seen all of you, over the years, and I disagree with you when you say that there is nothing worth loving. Most of you is hateful, you are right. But there are some things..."
She never got the chance to finish her charitable sentence. He seized her in strong, wiry fingers and kissed her with desperate passion.
Oh, my lord. You might have shone so brightly. Please, let me love you as well as I may...
She returned his ardor with all the shining generosity of her soul.
This time, there was no pain. She surrendered to him and wept his name to the knots of the ceiling beams. This time, he made love to her with all the brightness that might have been his... if.
If.
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A/N- creepy, neh? I love Ryuunomei. He's such a unique character.
Let me know what you liked and what you didn't!
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Ch apter XIX: Ashes
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Around a campfire in a wise forest sat a motley group of thoroughly uncomfortable people.
They were waiting.
The dog demon's son sat in a tree and steadfastly practiced pretending he was elsewhere. The priestess studied her hands and wished there was a way to surrender to her heart and still retain her beloved calling. The general wished the same. Meanwhile, the toad, the dragon, and the lion reflected on how much they'd love to take a hatchet to the palpable tension hanging over the gloomy clearing.
OooooooooO
Unconscious in the arms of someone far stronger and far crueler than she, a beautiful human woman with hair like raven's wings dreamt uneasily. Her bearer smiled as he carried her towards darkness and defilement, and his teeth, gleaming in the setting sun, were white as marble doves.
OoooooooO
Breathing ragged and gasping, the dog demon galloped through the clouds, paws digging into the wind and propelling him onwards. Images of someone with a secretly blinding smile who meant something undefinable to him, helpless and hurting, galvanized his tired limbs and he continued thundering on. He prayed he was not too late, but the even the gods had folded their hands and retreated out of fear of his enemy. The wind tore at him as though to hold him back, but he paid it no mind.
OoooooooO
The mountain saw everything, and did not care.
For years now, it had watched the sun rise and fall, rise and fall... and rise and rise and fall and fall. It had pondered the shapes of clouds and the colours of the changing hours. It had felt the trees dig their roots a little deeper into its awesomely silent sides, felt the wind and rain devour its flesh slowly day by day.
The mountain was old.
It could not move, and so it watched.It watched the creeping seasons light the land it sat on, watched the rivers eat deeper into the earth with soft grey teeth. The birds were beautiful to watch, but moved so quickly, the mountain could hardly follow. The moon was the mountain's favorite companion-- it was so slow and gentle, with none of the impatient harshness of the sun's frantic scrabble across the sky.
The mountain was restless. It had been for several years now. If stone could feel pain, it would have been like an ache deep in the gut, a building pressure and sickly bloating of inflexible sides. The mountain knew the feeling very well, for it happened every few decades or so. It was never pleasant. The mountain gave its version of a sigh and watched the dog claw desperately through the malicious wind, and wondered slowly with groaning ponderosity what was going on that made the great being so frantic.
The mountain watched, and did not care overmuch. It would pass, as all things did.
VvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvV
"Can you hear it, little brother?" Ryuunomei whispered. "The screaming of the land? Something is happening."
Ryuukotsusei shifted his weight from foot to foot uncomfortably. "I don't hear anything, Nii-sama."
The dark silhouette against the brilliant slash of light that was the only window made an annoyed sound. "How could you possibly not hear that? You must be deaf."
"Yes, nii-sama."
"It's pathetic, really. It's so loud it's making my head hurt, and you could probably go to sleep right now without any problem."
"Yes, nii-sama."
The figure turned from the blinding window to sway across the floor. "Did you bring her?"
"Yes, nii-sama."
"Is she unharmed?"
"Yes, nii-sama."
Ryuunomei chuckled, a dark and humourless sound. "My, aren't you eloquent today."
",,,Yes, nii-sama."
The dragon heaved a long-suffering sigh and padded back to the window. "You bore me. Leave. Send the woman in for dinner in two candle-marks. Make her presentable."
"Yes, nii-sama." After bowing deeply, the shaking warrior demon strode out of the hall as fast as was polite.
A black smile wound its way across Ryuunomei's pale face. "Good, good. All is well now."
OooooooooooooooO
The kimono was beautiful. The kimono was also hideous and wrong in every stitch. She looked at it and simultaneously admired it and wanted to burn it to ashes. It lay on the bed, mocking her fear with its sinuous lines and twisted beauty. She ran a hand over its opulent panels and shuddered.
"Go on then, Izayoi-chan. Put it on."
She drew her shoulders up around her ears, trying to make herself as small as possible. The room around closed in as though embracingly her lovingly. Familiar walls, hateful walls. Izayoi knew every knot in the ceiling beams, and hated each one separately.
That one looks like a horse. I used to imagine it running away with me on its back, during... and that one looks like the sun, and that one always reminded me of a waterfall.
They were like old, unwelcome friends, those whorls and loops in the grain of the wood. She had used to construct entire sagas for them, each little knot a separate, distinct character, and play them out endlessly in her head. They had distracted her from what lay between her and them.
The sun was setting-- she watched the shoji light from without as though aflame. How many times had she seen that very sight, lying on her back with pain her entire existence? More times than she could count. The optical illusion of burning paper fascinated her now as it always had then. Izayoi watched how over and over the flaming door did not crumble into ash, and when the last sliver of molten heat abruptly vanished, smiled sadly at the uncharred white expanse. Every night, the palace burned to the ground, only to be reborn in the night as though never touched.
It was all heartbreakingly familiar. Izayoi felt sick.
"Come on now, Izayoi-chan. You don't have all night. I'll send the maid in."
She did not reply, only continued to look expressionlessly at the stunning silk garment sprawled wantonly on the bed. The sheer layers of under-kimono were dyed ever-brighter shades of red, vulgar and bloody. The over-kimono was what made her shudder, though. It was black and did not reflect the light, and across its dark expanses, curling around where her calves and thighs would be, cavorted a pair of demonic lovers. They were completely bare and luminously white against the devouring black of the background, and their eyes were blazing red as they scored each other with sharp, gory nails. The wide obi was the exact colour of dried blood in moonlight.
It made her want to vomit, just looking at it. However, there was nothing for it-- here alone in Ryuunomei's stronghold, she had no power to resist. She was accustomed to obedience in any case, and falling back into felt as natural as breathing.
Izayoi resigned herself.
Resolutely, she ignored Ryuukotsusei's presence and let her traveling clothes fall to the floor in a crude heap. His eyes burned her back, and she steeled herself against the tears that threatened. The crimson silk was cold and slick as she slipped it around her pebbled flesh. Winter was pounding on autumn's doorstep, now, not merely approaching. The days grew cold and impersonal.
She slowly donned the fifth and last layer of red silk and turned to the abomination on the futon. It was heavy in her hands, and slithered as she lifted it.
I have been shamed worse than this. There is nothing for it.
The weight of it pulled her into the floor, and she knew without looking that the cleverly designed lovers were now wrapped around her legs, artistically tormenting each other. The maid padded in and expertly wrapped the endless obi around her waist tightly, securing it with a flamboyant, vulgar knot that was almost never used by any but the cheapest and least dignified of ladies-in-waiting. The entire thing was designed to humiliate her.
So, Izayoi decided not to let it affect her. She made up her mind to pretend it was merely plain black, and to forget about the come-hither knot on the back of her obi. She would not lower her head again to him!
"You look lovely, Izayoi-chan," Ryuukotsusei drawled from behind her.
"Thank you, Ryuukotsusei-sama," she answered flatly. She knew her eyes had lost their depth and sparkle. They would be flat as hazelnut husks, now, and about as lively.
"Let's go, I'm sure nii-sama is waiting for us by now."
Despite her every effort not to let herself feel anything, her heart still viciously twisted in on itself and her gut wrenched painfully. "Yes." She followed him mindlessly down corridors she knew blindfolded and backwards. Her feet knew the way, though she thought she'd forgotten.
The smell of fish and miso wafted past her nose.
"Here we are!" the dragon proclaimed cheerfully. "Nii-sama will be so happy to see you. He's missed you ever so much."
Blind terror gripped her and she lost control of her legs. They continued walking steadily after Ryuukotsusei without her. The man waiting behind the doors had always been able to do this do her without any effort at all.
Ryuunomei.
She tightened her hands in the disgusting folds of the kimono and stared unblinkingly at nothing.
In my last life, I must have been a terrible person for my karmic debt to lash back so horrifically. Oh, kami, I'm so afraid of him. So afraid.
She had suffered under him for years and years, far too terrified of the threatened consequences to breathe a word of her pain to anyone. Izayoi knew, as few others did, what being alone truly meant. 'Alone' had nothing to do with how many people surrounded her. 'Alone' meant having no one to turn to, no one to stand with, no one to stand with her, no matter where she was. She had been alone for years in the middle of a busy castle full of people. Her family had been there, and her friends. It made no difference, none whatsoever. If she could not reach out and share with them, they were as good as absent. That was what 'alone' meant.
And now, despite all her hope and all the promises of the future, she was alone again, right back where she'd started. The feeling of it was mercilessly crushing her heart, flattening it against the stone floor of her soul with its oppressive weight. There was no hope. No consolation, not here.
Alone.
Golden eyes and moonlight hair flashed across her mind, but she ruthlessly shut them out. There was no use thinking of him-- he was one, and they were many. He would die in the attempt.
If he even tries... which he probably won't. I'm just a human woman, after all, and a burden to him. He's better off without me. I can wish all I want for him to save me-- it isn't going to happen. No matter how much I want it.
Oh, Inutaisho.
Ryuukotsusei slid the doors open with a great air of pomp, ushering her in. Her limbs obeyed without her consent.
A rag doll. That's what I feel like. A puppet rag doll, with strings leading to his fingers. His beautiful, beautiful fingers.
She walked in and faced the other half of her soul.
He stood indolently at the head of the low table, deep blue kimono hanging on his tall, delicate frame as though on a hangar-- straight and shapeless. He had combed his unruly violet hair, and it lay quiescent about the fine bones of his jaw. And his eyes were just the same, just the same as she remembered. Cold and hard as gemstones, but so much more beautiful and alive.
She loved him, more than just a little. Since she'd been a child, he had always awed her with his presence and power. As she'd grown, it had become somewhat of a fascination and she'd followed his every move with wide-eyed attention. Thus, when he had finally begun to pay notice to her, she'd been overjoyed and had given him anything he asked.
Hours and hours she'd spent running every errand he ran across, bathing his feet, massaging his shoulders, tending him when his ill health got the better of him. Her infatuation had grown, then turned into a tenderness and respect as the years had passed. From there, it had metamorphosed into helpless love without her noticing. Until the day...
Iza-chan, will you come with me a minute?
She bowed gracefully to him and he tilted his head back at her. "That kimono looks delectable on you, my dear. I wish I had remembered it earlier."
"Thank you, my lord."
Iza-chan, I want to check something. Will you take that kimono off? Just for a minute, I promise.
"Have a seat, have a seat! The chefs have truly outdone themselves this time. Please!"
Her limbs leaped to action, dragging her woodenly across the floor. He moved to meet her.
"Oh, Izayoi-chan, I've missed you so. Have you missed me?" He folded his long, thin arms corded with ropy muscle around her shoulders. Her arms raised themselves to curl around his slender back and she rested her head on his shoulder.
"Yes, my lord."
Kami, what I wouldn't give to be lying. But I have, haven't I. He hurt me so much, but sometimes... those times afterwards when he fell asleep, and his face was slack and careless... the times when I was upset and he worked so hard to make me smile... the times when I caught him off guard and he cried on my shoulder...
"I'm glad. I'm so glad!" His face, which she had seen in every range of emotion possible, was currently wide and guileless, almost innocent. She could read the truth in his eyes-- he had missed her, for whatever reason.
You're very beautiful, Iza-chan. Why are you covering yourself? You have nothing to be ashamed of.
"Please, sit down. Here." He grandly indicated the cushion next to his. There was an opulent feast laid out on the table, and she suddenly realized just how hungry she was after two days of travel with only dried fruit and meat to eat.
She sank down, following his pointed finger. He followed suit moments later.
"How have you been, Iza-chan?"
Are you all right, Iza-chan? I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to, I lost control. I am ashamed of myself... can you forgive me?
"I've been well, my lord."
He waited a minute, as though expecting more. "That's all? I leave you alone in the middle of nowhere for two years, without friend or help, and all you can say is 'I've been well?'" he echoed incredulously. "I was expecting you to rail at me, strike me, weep, something."
I am never happier than when I am with you, Izayoi my love. Will you stay with me forever and ever? I promise not to hurt you anymore!
"Did you?" she asked, and her voice was supremely uninterested. She was proud. It seemed her skill at concealing her emotions and suppressing them had increased.
He frowned, pale lips curving downwards in a way that made her want to trace them with her fingertips. "This isn't like you, Iza-chan. Is there something wrong?"
"No. It's good to be home."
Home. This is my home. This is... where I belong.
What would he have been like, I wonder, if when he was a child they had left pain and suffering out of his education? What would he have been like if I had been there with him? I think, perhaps, he would have been wonderful. I believe this is what the writers call a 'tragedy'. He is so beautiful, and so ruined.
"Help yourself, Iza-chan. The food is wonderful, we have a new chef."
Iza-chan... I love you. Thank you for not hating me.
"Ryuunomei-sama..."
"No need for such a formal honorific! Why so stiff?"
"...have you been well?"
He smiled, brilliant and clear. "Not really. I've been... very lonely, Iza-chan. Can I tell you something?"
She nodded, picking at her grilled snapper.
"Truth is, I regretted every minute since leaving you out there. I wanted to bring you back, but because of the talisman I couldn't. I'm so glad you're back, and unharmed."
She sat in silence, and listened to her heart tear itself to shreds. He could have been so great. Why? Why? The food was very good, she knew, but it tasted bland and worthless on her tongue.
"Won't you yell? Won't you tell me how you feel?"
"I am not angry. My wounds have healed."
Humans are so fragile! What have I done to you, my little flower? It is too much. I cannot look at you. Leave me alone!
"Is that all you were angry with me for?"
For a long, long moment she sat and tried to wrap the silence around her. She failed, as she'd known she would. Looking up, she met his eyes. Green as springtime. "Why..." she began, hoarsely.
He sat expectantly, straight-backed.
"Why... why did you leave me alone?" she gasped, the truth of the pain in her words leaving jagged edges to her voice. "I would have died for you. Why? Why?"
A thunderstruck expression slammed into his pale face and his limbs twitched involuntiarly. "I..." He disappeared for a split second from his place, and immediately reappeared at her side. Even years later, his movements were still too fast for her human eyes to follow. "Iza-chan... Izayoi..."
Inutaisho never called me by name. I was always 'woman' to him. I'd forgotten how good it feels to hear my name from lips of someone I love...
"I'm so sorry. I promise I'll never do it again. Can you ever forgive me?"
The food lay forgotten on the table, hours of effort disregarded. She was not hungry at all, not anymore. "Ryuu...nomei... sama," she staggered, trying to express everything at once but not having enough voice for it all.
She was frozen in place and could not move. You hurt me. You hurt me so much! But still... I wish...
He chuckled, and the sound broke her heart all over again. "I suppose not. I don't blame you. I've hurt you so much, and never apologized for it. I know that I am a terrible person, not worthy of love. But sometimes, I just wish..."
Izayoi broke, cried out, and threw her arms around him. He was manipulating her, she knew. In the depths of his mind, he was cold and calculating, constructing every sentence to make her feel the most. She was not stupid. His every move was clear and obvious to her now that she'd had time to think about it.
Even so... even deeper than this part of him, I see what he might have been. And seeing it, I grieve that it was never realized, that potential. He is pulling me around by my strings, but because I know this I don't mind. I am deeper than that.
"Ryuunomei-sama, you are manipulating me," she said flatly, fingers tangled in his once-orderly hair. "Please stop it, I don't need your machinations to make me love you."
He went still. "What did you say?" he said quietly.
"You are twisted and ruined. Yet still, I see behind everything you do to the reasons you do them. I love you, Ryuunomei-sama, despite every reason you've given me not to. When you say these things, I see how you try to manipulate me. And I'm telling you now, you don't need to. I need no convincing to love you. I have always loved you." She tightened her grip on his frail, powerful form. "You hurt me. You hurt me so much! But I see farther than that. I will never hate you. I could never hate you, because I see you for everything you are. Ryuunomei-sama..."
He trembled beneath her hands. "You're lying," he rasped. "I am despicable. There is nothing in me worth loving. You lie!"
She pulled back a ways, the heavy silk of the gory kimono rustling, and cupped his face in her hands. His eyes were full of confusion, whirling with incomprehension and anger. She dug her fingers gently into his temples, willing him to understand.
"You are wrong," she said, simply. "There is something in you worth loving, despite every terrible thing you've done. For those, I may never be able to forgive you. Thousands of my people are dead because of that barrier you created, from the atrocities you've committed in your time. But I have seen all of you, over the years, and I disagree with you when you say that there is nothing worth loving. Most of you is hateful, you are right. But there are some things..."
She never got the chance to finish her charitable sentence. He seized her in strong, wiry fingers and kissed her with desperate passion.
Oh, my lord. You might have shone so brightly. Please, let me love you as well as I may...
She returned his ardor with all the shining generosity of her soul.
This time, there was no pain. She surrendered to him and wept his name to the knots of the ceiling beams. This time, he made love to her with all the brightness that might have been his... if.
If.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N- creepy, neh? I love Ryuunomei. He's such a unique character.
Let me know what you liked and what you didn't!