InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Paradox: The Power of Letting Go ❯ Regrets on the Wind ( Chapter 6 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: InuYusha is owned by Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan Inc. and Viz Media. I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) - Song by Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman. I do not own InuYasha or the song and I don't make any monies from this. Story and all original characters created are owned by me.

Regrets on the Wind

-x-x-x-x-

He walked over to the window and stared out, seeing only images from his past. He was still standing there as the sky turned a crimson red. Hours after the sun set, Yash wearily pushed himself off the wall and headed home. It wasn't until much later, in the privacy of his home, drenched in darkness, that Yash finally gave into the despair.

-x-x-x-x-

Three Years Earlier

Kagome Higurashi stood at the well and looked into the deep recesses, wanting so badly to take that final jump, but she hesitated.

How many times did she stand here at the well feeling the pull of both eras? The first time, she had to choose between her sense of duty to InuYasha and the Shikon no Tama and her obligations to her family and school. Now, she had to choose between her love for InuYasha and her obligation to her research.

In the end, wasn't it all really the same? A means to an end? If she hadn't completed the sacred jewel and defeated Naraku then her family and her future would have been vastly different. It was the same thing now. If she didn't stay in Canada and continue her research then her future with InuYasha would be vastly different as well.

She couldn't go to him now, not until she had accomplished what she had set out to do. The only problem was that she may never be finished. There was always the next important project, and how could she turn her back on that?

I would do anything for love

I'll never lie to you, and that's a fact…

Anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

Some days it don't come easy

And some days it don't come hard

Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end…

As long as the planets are turning

As long as the stars are burning

As long as dreams are coming true

You'd better believe it,that I would do

Anything for love

And I'll be there until the final act

I would do anything for love and I'll take a vow and seal a pact …

Some days I pray for silence

And some days I pray for soul…

Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be

That's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep

Anything for love

And you know it's true and that's a fact

I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back …

But I'll never stop dreaming of you every night of my life, no way

And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that…

Fueled by dreams of hanyou babies, Kagome slowly backed away from the edge, and turned her back on the well. I'm so sorry, InuYasha.

-x-x-x-x-

After the Meeting

Kazuki took Kagome back to her hotel room. He was stressed, tired, and his head pounded with recent events. After repeated assurances to Mitsuru that Kagome would be fine, the raccoon youkai scurried to wait by the car, muttering about reporting back to Sesshomaru.

Shaking his head as he turned his attention back to immediate concerns, Kazuki put Kagome into bed, slipping off her jacket and shoes, and tucked the covers under her chin. He stood for a few moments, silently watching her. Even in sleep, her face showed the tension of the last few hours, the occasional grimace gracing her features. She mumbled incoherently, and he caught a few words… InuYasha… sorry, so sorry… She thrashed a few times before falling silent.

Kazuki leaned down and swept her sweaty bangs off of her forehead. He sighed as he lightly traced the tear tracks down her pale cheeks. In all of the years that he had known her, she was always in control, always confident and determined in her beliefs. She was one of the strongest people he had ever met. To see her now, a broken weeping shell of the Kagome he knew, broke his heart. There was nothing he could do for her, except maybe kill that fucking Yash bastard. He didn't think Kagome would be too happy about that, he laughed hollowly to himself. She was his best friend, and she needed him. There was nothing he could do except be there for her and be her friend. That he could do — that he would do.

He left Kagome's room, ensuring that the door was locked before he headed back down to the lobby. He had to talk to Sesshomaru.

-x-x-x-x-

Kagome opened her eyes and squinted into the dim room. She licked her cracked lips, rasping as she tried to salivate into her dry throat. Moaning as she rubbed her heavy eye lids, she heaved herself into a sitting position. Glancing at the clock flashing on the night stand, she grimaced. It was 7:00 in the evening. She had slept the whole day away. She had no recollection on coming back to the hotel or how she had ended up in bed.

Stumbling from under the covers, she pulled off her wrinkled shirt and skirt and kicked off her panty hose. She grabbed a water bottle from the night stand and gulped down the cool, fresh liquid before she slumped back down onto the bed.

Her analytical mind slowly crept to the surface as she tried to objectively rehash the day's events. She frowned, no wonder she was in shock. She saw InuYasha alive after all of these years and then found out that they had only two months to find a solution for “Transformation Hanyou”. Kagome rubbed her face tiredly. Add InuYasha's blow up and her mental breakdown to the equation, well… If she could have a do-over, today was definitely the day to have one.

InuYasha. She closed her eyes briefly as she remembered the look on his face before he stormed out: the rage, the fury… the despair. The never-ending pain prickled at the corners of her heart. She was so sorry, so damn sorry for the way things turned out. She never meant to hurt him like that. If she had a chance to do it over again, she would. Twelve hours ago, the answer seemed simple and clear cut. She would have gone through the well and tried to soothe things over, but now… Now she couldn't. The faint echo of Kaz's words from the night before rang in her ears … Time continuum dilemma, you go back and change things and the future we know right now shifts … Now that she knew that InuYasha existed in this time period, she couldn't go back. If she went back and changed things, then Yash Takahashi or the Takahashi Group might not exist. No, she wouldn't dare take that chance.

She threw an arm over her eyes, trying to keep her emotions in check. Five years ago, if she had chosen a different path, if she had stayed with InuYasha, where would she be now? They would have been married, maybe had a baby. That thought made her chest ache. A baby. Yes, she probably would have been a mother by now. She would have been happy, happy until they kept losing their children. The harsh reality of the time would have ended their happiness in heartache. She knew that now.

Her tears hovered beneath her lashes, threatening to overflow. With all of the tears she had shed over the years when she thought about this, she would have thought the well was dry. Yet the pain was never-ending, especially when faced with the reality of her decision. The fact was that by trying to protect the man she loved, she had instead pushed him away and made him hate her.

She tried to reign in her tears. No, she couldn't keep crying over this. It was her decision, but Kami, she didn't mean to hurt InuYasha like that. She never thought… Well, it doesn't matter now what she thought.

The reality was that even though he was the one who gave her the ultimatum and left her, in the end, she had simply let him go. She had left him as well, left him without an explanation.

She had to talk to InuYasha. She had to ask for his forgiveness and try to make things right. She flinched as she remembered his harsh words: Nothing is more important to you than your work. The sting of the truth cut into her heart. He was right, somewhat. He doesn't know the truth… Little whispers filtered through her… What if he knew the truth, would he forgive me? But if I tell him … no, I can't tell him … I don't want to hurt him anymore …

The more involved she became in her research, the more she realized how severe the problems were, and the more resolved she was to contribute in any way she could. After all, how could she really be happy with InuYasha if she knew the problems and heartaches that they would eventually endure?

The things she did — the people she helped — it was all so important. But at what price? At the cost of her own heart — at the cost of hurting the one person she loved. Was it worth it? Yes, a little voice whispered deep inside of her. Yes, it was when she thought of all the little hanyou children and their families that she helped with her research. How could that be wrong?

No, she wouldn't change the past. Not even loving InuYasha was worth turning her back on those children who needed her research to survive in this world. She had to sacrifice her own heart in order to continue helping others. And if she and InuYasha were the only ones hurt, what did that matter in the whole scheme of things? What did it matter compared to the hundreds of hanyou lives she saved? Yet if she could, she would have changed how she handled the situation. She should have told InuYasha the truth about her research. That one mistake — withholding that information, wanting to keep from hurting him — was what cost her to lose his love. It was a mistake she would regret for the rest of her life.

No, she couldn't have told him the truth, not then. He grew up surrounded by prejudice and taunts of his “tainted hanyou blood.” How could she have told him that it was this very blood that kept them apart? He would have been devastated. I wanted to protect him from the truth, to help secure our future together. If I explained it to him now, would he understand? Would he forgive me? Kagome laughed bitterly as the sting of tears welled up in her eyes. Does it matter now? How can I ask him to forgive me after 500 years? Does it matter if he forgives me as long as I say I'm sorry?

She rubbed her eyes tiredly. The events of the past few days, coupled with the lack of sleep, were wearing her down. She felt like she was fifteen again, the way her emotions kept fluctuating like a rollercoaster.

She slipped on a robe and padded into the sitting area. A small lamp table was turned on, casting shadows in the dimly lit room. Kagome stopped at the site of the black hair flowing over the sofa's arm rest. Sighing with resignation, she approached Kazuki. He was sprawled out on the sofa, still in his shirt and pants, his suit jacket carelessly flung to the floor.

Kagome knelt by her friend and watched him as he slept. Dear, dear Kazuki. What would she do without him? For the past five years she tried burying herself in her work, not giving herself a chance to reflect on her lonely life or the decision she made. But Kazuki was always there, like a bright shiny star, pulling her out of the daily drudges of life. He made her laugh and kept her from falling into self pity. He never asked for anything in return. He was always just there for her, like he was there for her now.

As if feeling the weight of her stare, Kazuki's eyes fluttered open. He looked up at Kagome and gave her a tired grin. “Hey, sunshine, feeling better?”

Kagome returned a small smile. “I am.”

Kazuki sat up and watched as Kagome went over to the fridge and pulled out a couple of juice bottles. Handing him one, she sat down beside him and tucked her legs underneath her.

Holding onto his orange juice with one hand, Kazuki leaned over and gave Kagome a brief hug before settling back against the couch. “Hell of a day, huh?”

Kagome merely nodded.

Kazuki silently observed Kagome's downcast eyes and slumped shoulders. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really…” At Kazuki's glum expression, she smiled weakly. “But I will.”

Kazuki wearily rubbed his face. “Shit, Kagome. I've never seen you like that before. Are you sure you're all right?”

“I… I was just in shock, but… yes, I'll be all right,” she replied softly as she fiddled with her juice bottle.

“So… you really love that bastard?”

Kagome breathed out a heavy sigh. “Kazuki…”

“Well, what else would you call him?” Kazuki said defensively, raking a hand through his tousled hair and glaring at the girl. “He was acting like a complete asshole. How do you put up with that shit?”

Kagome shook her head. How does she explain it to him? “He had every right to be angry at me. We didn't part on the best of terms, and I should have — should have explained why I left. I didn't, and now I'm paying for it.”

“It still doesn't give him the right to treat you like that, Kags.”

Kagome looked at him somberly. “Kaz, you've grown up surrounded by a family who loves you. You've never endured hardship or fear. No one has ever tried to hunt you down and kill you just because they thought you had tainted blood. You've never been scorned or beaten or betrayed. You've never been alone.”

When he made to interrupt, she held out her hand. “Let me finish. InuYasha has been all those things. He's been hunted since he was a little boy, shunned and ostracized, without anyone to love. He's always been on his own, and the two women he's ever had in his life both betrayed him,” Kagome paused, “and through it all, he still retained his humanity. He still retained his capacity for caring, for helping those weaker than himself. Deep down inside, he cares, he truly cares. I've seen him take an orphan kitsune cub under his wing and accept the companionship of three humans. He cared for us, protected us, loved us… loved me. How would you feel if the woman you loved betrayed your trust?”

Kazuki lowered his head and looked abashed. “Yeah, but does he have to be such an asshole?”

Kagome frowned at him. “While I can't condone his words and actions, I do understand why he's like that.” A faraway look graced her features as her eyes glazed with some unknown memory. “I always have.”

Shaking herself and coming back to the present, she smiled wryly. “Sesshomaru's right. InuYasha doesn't always mean everything he says. It's his defense mechanism. When he feels threatened or backed into a corner, and he can't use his brute strength, he uses his tongue instead. It's his only available weapon.”

“But, Kags, he was rude and arrogant. He went way over the boundaries. How can you defend him when he called you names like that?” A sudden thought occurred to him and he narrowed his eyes at her. “Kagome, he wasn't abusive to you, was he?”

“No!” Disbelief and outrage etched her face. “He's always protected me!” Kagome fumed at him, resenting that he would suggest such a thing.

Kazuki shrugged apologetically. “I'm sorry, Kags. I just had to ask.”

You know…” he began hesitantly as he trod on icy ground. “It has been 500 years, maybe he's not the same person you once knew.”

“I know he isn't,” Kagome said sadly. “He's bitter and hurt, and he can't forgive me.”

“Kagome, I didn't mean that.”

“Then what did you mean?” she said sharply. She softened her tone when she saw her friend cringe. “Deep down, he's the same man I fell in love with. I can see it in his eyes.”

A small knife lodged itself into Kazuki's chest at her heartfelt defense of Yash. Why the hell is she defending that bastard? “Oh really? All I saw was an asshole who disrespected you and didn't give a shit about our project.”

Kagome was stung by her friend's opinions. She stood up, ready to end the conversation. “Then obviously you weren't looking hard enough.”

Kazuki shot a hand out to detain her. “Kagome, I'm sorry. Let's not fight. I just can't understand why you love that ass… him. Why are you defending him?”

Kagome sighed and gave him a small, tight smile. “I was fifteen when I fell through the well. Going 500 years into the past and seeing what I saw? Doing unimaginable, life-threatening things? It was enough to shock anyone's system. But there was InuYasha. He was always there for me. Before our friends joined our group, it was just him and me for the longest time. We shared experiences no one would ever understand. He was my protector, my friend. He was my knight in shining fire rat armour. He was mine.”

Kagome looked out the window at the night sky, trying to formulate her thoughts into words. Finally, she went to get her purse that was lying on the desk. Digging around, she finally pulled out a photo. Silently handing it to Kazuki, she waited until he raised his eyes to meet hers. “Do you remember them? The first hanyou babies?”

Kazuki looked down at the photo. Two small baby faces were pressed together with little furry ear tips peeking up through the blankets. “Camryn, Reece… Of course, I remember them, Kags.”

Kazuki turned questioning eyes at her as he held the photo out.

Kagome smiled warily and took the photo from him. Staring down silently at the two precious faces, Kagome lightly traced the contours of their baby cheeks. “I remember them each and every day. They are the reason I keep going. The reason I never came back to Japan. I can admit it now. I did InuYasha a great injustice, not by leaving, but by not explaining why I did. I was young and stupid. I was too scared back then. I thought I was protecting him from the truth. I realize now that I should have trusted him by telling him my reasons for taking the job.”

She sighed and carefully put the photo back into her purse. “If he's furious at me and yells at me, I deserve that. I don't regret taking the job. The work we've accomplished, the things we've done… No, I can't regret that, not when it's helped so many others. But, I do regret the way I handled things, the things I left unsaid.” Kagome looked down at Kazuki, her eyes misted with pain.

Kazuki still couldn't understand her reasoning. “Okay, so you didn't explain things to him, that doesn't make you wrong. It takes two to argue. You shouldn't let the guilt eat you away, and you shouldn't have to pay for it. Kagome, besides my mother, you are the strongest, most determined woman I know. Why would you subject yourself willingly to his scorn? Why would you accept his anger like that?”

She looked at Kazuki sadly. “I knew how hard it was for him to put his faith in anyone. He believed in me and, in his eyes, I betrayed that trust by moving away and leaving him. I didn't even trust him enough with the truth. If I have to shoulder the blame and his fury to atone for the hurt that I've caused him, then I will.”

Kagome moved away and softly padded to the bathroom.

Kazuki's quiet voice broke the silence. “Why would you do that?”

Kagome paused and bowed her head, her voice barely a whisper. “Because I love him. I've loved him since I was fifteen years old.”

“He doesn't deserve you.”

Kagome looked back at him, her eyes dark and unreadable. “No, you're wrong. I don't deserve him.”

Kagome entered the bathroom, quietly closing the door behind her.