InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 2: Defiance ❯ Solitude ( Chapter 27 )

~~Chapter 27~~

~Solitude~

 

Sierra peeked at the clock and sighed. Funny. She hadn't realized before how much she would miss having Toga around. Home alone on a Saturday night casting furtive glances at the telephone as she wished that it would just ring.

 

`Call him, Sie. What's the worst he'd say?'

 

She didn't want to answer that. She didn't really know what he would say, truthfully. After the stilted silence that had risen between them as impenetrable as a solid wall, she didn't know what she dared to say to him. How could she give him hope when she didn't have much of that, herself?

 

The journey back to Chicago had been trying. Overly polite words were exchanged only when they were unavoidable. Even the taxi ride to their respective homes had been a study of stiff gestures and careful avoidance of the rift that had opened up between them.

 

Still she stubbornly clung to the idea that it was all for the best, that maybe, in the end, it would hurt less this way. Even when the tears that lingered just under the surface of her carefully constructed façade rose to thwart her, she refused to let herself believe that things could be different. As much as she had come to rely on him, it would be so much crueler to ask him to stay with her when she couldn't make him any promises.

 

Kirara paced the floor, whining softly as she sat down near the door, staring at it as her tail thumped once, twice. `She misses him, too,' Sierra thought with a wince.

 

Two days after returning to Chicago, Sierra had made her initial appointment to see a specialist for the genetic testing. Dr. Friedman had advised her to see a counselor before the test, to prepare herself for the possible outcomes. She shook her head slowly. She didn't need to see a counselor. In the end, she only needed to know one way or the other, whether or not she carried the gene and would, in time, develop the disease. She owed it to herself. She owed it to Toga.

 

Gaze falling on the manila packet lying on the coffee table next to her birth-mother's journal, Sierra leaned forward to grab the envelope. After clearing it with her boss, she'd locked herself into the darkroom all afternoon to develop the photographs. The grainy black and white images brought on the sting of tears that gathered behind her eyes, tingled in her nostrils. He wasn't smiling in any of the pictures, but it really didn't matter. The look in his eyes was one she recognized, one he reserved just for her.

 

Separating the picture she'd taken for the charity calendar from the rest, she stared at her favorite shot. Cuddling Mokomoko-sama to his cheek, eyes glowing as he silently challenged her, there was something primitive in the harsh lines of his crests, something wild but contained in the heat of his gaze. The tear that slipped down her cheek went unnoticed until it dropped onto the matte finish of the photograph and rolled toward her hand, dampening her thumb.

 

Dropping the pictures on the sofa beside her, she wiped her cheek with an unsteady hand, ignoring the fervent wish that the phone would ring, ignoring the ache in her heart when it didn't.

 

Kirara heaved a little sigh as she turned away from the door. Staring at Sierra with accusing eyes, she wandered over to her bed and turned away from her as she flopped down.

 

Sierra shook her head and grabbed her shoes. “Kirara, want to go for a walk?” she asked, inflicting as much excitement into her tone as she could. The puppy wouldn't even look at her.

 

She checked the water and food bowls before grabbing her keys and her coat, slipping out of her apartment and locking the door behind herself.

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Lost in the wandering crowd of faceless people, Toga walked. Without purpose or a destination, he only wished to get out of his apartment, his private asylum. Surrounded by constant memories, the scent of her lingered in the air as sweet and fresh as her peridot eyes, as soft and intoxicating as the feel of her hair in his hands, he felt as though he was losing his mind.

 

How long had he stood outside her door, fist suspended mid- knock. He'd wanted to. She was as necessary to him as air, and yet to be near her . . . . It hurt.

 

The mistake, he realized now, was in letting things go as far as they had. He remembered things his mother had told him, things that hadn't really made sense to him, until now. `When your blood speaks to you and accepts your mate, you'll start to bond with her. Her emotions will become second nature to you, just as yours will be to her. It is necessary. It protects the two of you. You will protect her because she is weaker than you, but she will protect you because she'll adore you.'

 

Shuffling along the sidewalk, hands jammed deep in his pockets, more of the lore came back, things that his father had said to him. `If you care for your mate, Toga, the bonding starts sooner. For that reason, you must be sure. You know the lore, the legends. True, my father did not die after my mother did. He was the exception, not the rule. If your mate leaves this life, you will die, too.'

 

But he couldn't tell her that, either. He only wished that he didn't understand Sierra's feelings. As much as it destroyed him inside, he couldn't hurt her, and he wouldn't have her because she felt guilty. He already knew the things that frightened him most. She was already his mate, chosen by his youkai blood, chosen by his heart. To lose her . . . .

 

The only thing he could do was hope to hell that the test would come back normal. Kami help him if it didn't.

 

Rounding the corner back onto the street that led to his apartment, Toga hunched his shoulders, scowling at the asphalt beneath his feet. Convoluted smells made his head hurt, the stench of the city, the ever-shifting scents of the people passing by, the reek of the man-made toxins that belched out of the passing vehicles on the street. Sounds washed together into a perfidious bubble of noise. He felt his senses being slowly overwhelmed, and for once, he didn't give a damn.

 

He wanted to offer her his support, his encouragement. He wanted to hold her and tell her that it didn't matter, that nothing mattered, so long as she didn't turn him away. He wanted to make her understand that he didn't care if their time together was limited or not, that he still belonged with her, and she with him. He'd give up forever, for her, and now he was trying to give her what she needed, even if it meant that she closed herself off from him.

 

A cell phone rang. It took him a moment to realize that it was his. Digging the device out of his pocket, he checked the caller ID without missing a step. Grimacing as `private number' flashed across the LCD display, Toga shook his head. If it was Uncle Yasha, he could stand it. If it was his father . . . .

 

Toga tossed the still-ringing cell phone into a trash bin as he passed by. Funny how he didn't miss it at all . . . .

 

The sudden desire to run was difficult to ignore. To clear his mind, his cleanse his soul, to run until he found the ends of the earth, the answers that eluded him . . . .

 

Balling his hands into tight fists as he plodded along, he didn't see the woman step out onto the street ahead of him, didn't notice the stunned look on her pale skin, didn't hear her soft gasp as her cloudy green eyes widened in surprise, didn't notice her strawberry blonde hair blowing in her face as she hooked it behind her ear with a shaking hand, didn't know she was there, at all, until she mumbled his name.

 

“Toga.”

 

Hesitating in his stride, sure that his mind was playing tricks on him, Toga slowly lifted his gaze as Sierra stepped toward him. Slowly, awkwardly, doubt lingering in her troubled gaze, she reached her hand out toward him, paused for a moment before she let it drop.

 

Staring at her for long seconds, unable to move his hands, he couldn't find his voice, couldn't summon even a weak attempt at a smile.

 

“I was hoping you'd call,” she ventured, her cheeks pinking as her gaze fell away.

 

Toga shrugged. “I didn't know if you wanted me to.”

 

She winced at his candid confession. “Do you want to go for a walk? Or . . . if you're busy . . . .”

 

He shook his head slowly. “I've been walking.” Her cautiously hopeful expression crumbled as she shuffled her feet on the pavement. Toga sighed. “Are you hungry?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Toga turned on his heel and started walking again as Sierra hurried to catch up to him, her arms wrapped over her chest. “Toga, I'm . . . I'm sorry.”

 

His cheek twitched as he tried again to smile. She frowned. “Don't be. You were . . . honest, and I can't fault you for that.”

 

“Why do you have to be so nice?”

 

He sighed, wincing as he discarded her question. He wasn't being nice. He was being completely self-serving. The only thing he wanted was to be with Sierra, and if that meant that he had to put off his own desires to cater to her, then so be it. Nothing nice to it, really. He was doing the only thing he could do. “I'm not nice, Sierra. I've got reasons for my selfishness.”

 

She shook her head and caught his arm to stop him. “You're the most giving person I've ever met. I love being with you.”

 

Her words hurt him, and as much as he tried to hide it, he couldn't. The ugliness between them ballooned, enveloping the stifling air. He pulled away and started walking again.

 

“I, uh . . . I made an appointment to have the test done.”

 

Toga stopped, swallowed hard as a suspect lump swelled in his throat to choke him. “I see.”

 

“Can we talk about this?”

 

“Is there anything left to talk about?”

 

She grimaced. “Isn't there?”

 

Jerking the open the door of the small restaurant, Toga waited for Sierra to step inside before he followed. Neither spoke as they waited to be seated. Following the hostess to the table, he sat down opposite Sierra and sat back while she mulled over the menu.

 

“I wasn't under the impression that I would be given any consideration in your decision at all.”

 

She set the menu aside as she drew a deep breath. “That's not fair.”

 

“You're right, it's not. But then, it isn't really my choice. You've made that painfully clear.”

 

“Do you think I want this? Do you really believe that?”

 

Toga refrained from answering as the waitress stopped by the table with a very broad, very fake smile as she whipped out a pen and her order form. Sierra ordered a salad and soda. Toga asked for a glass of water.

 

“Of course I don't. Should that make me feel better? Toss Toga a few nice words? Scratch the pup behind the ears, and everything is fine again?” Sighing as he rubbed his temple when she flinched at his harsh words, Toga struggled to control his escalating irritation. “Sierra . . . Do you think it's any easier for me to watch you go through this and to know that if it happens and you do carry that gene that you'll push me away for my own good? How can you profess to know what is or isn't good for me?”

 

“I know you say that, and you might even believe it. Toga, I can't ask it of you. You'd still have a chance to be happy, to find . . . someone else . . . .” Trailing off as she blinked quickly to stave back the tears that pooled in her gaze, she took a deep breath before going on. “I want to be with you . . . but I . . . .”

 

He couldn't help the incredulity that stole over his features. She really didn't understand at all, but he . . . well, he couldn't tell her.

 

The waitress brought their order, and Toga sat back, eyeing her cautiously as she picked at her food. A thousand things passed through his mind, things he should say to her, the things she didn't realize that just might change her mind. If she already was the mate of his heart, if not in fact, he'd die if she turned him away. He knew it. Flinching inwardly as he realized how pathetic that sounded, he shook his head and remained silent.

 

“Your pictures turned out really good,” Sierra commented as she gave up on her dinner and shoved the untouched salad aside. “I'll give you the calendar one later.”

 

Toga made a face. “That is the least of my concerns,” he remarked dryly, unable to stave back the redness that seeped into his cheeks.

 

“I've . . . I've missed you.”

 

“I've missed you, too.”

 

She smiled, her eyes brightening in the dimly lit restaurant. He knew that smile, felt it tug on his heart. He wanted to return the sentiment, to reassure her that he would be with her, so long as she would have him. He only wished he knew how long that would be.

 

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked as she glanced up at the ceiling.

 

Toga shrugged. “If that's what you want.”

 

She nodded as she scooted out of the booth and grabbed her coat. He stood and took her coat to help her. She dug into her pocket for money. Toga beat her to it, dropping more than enough money on the table to cover her meal and leaving a healthy tip, besides. In truth, he didn't pay any attention to what he'd left. He wasn't in the frame of mind to quibble over it, anyway.

 

Stepping back onto the street, Toga waited for Sierra to choose their destination. She stuffed her hands into her coat pockets and shrugged as she started walking. The falling night was starless, as overcast as the day had been. The forecast had threatened snow, and the temperature was dropping fast. Sierra shivered as she hunched her shoulders against the cold. Toga stepped closer, draping his arm around her. She smiled up at him.

 

“Perhaps I should see you home,” he remarked as her lips quivered, teeth jarring just a little.

 

“It's fine,” she argued, waving off his concern as she leaned closer to him. “It's kind of nice, not knowing where we're going.”

 

He shook his head as she held her coat closed tighter around her throat. “Do you want my coat?”

 

She grinned. “You'd look awfully strange if you did that. Extreme temperatures don't bother you?”

 

“Not especially. The coat's for show.”

 

She laughed. “You know, Toga, you---”

 

Stopping abruptly as the doors to a club swung wide open, Toga pulled Sierra back in time to avoid a collision as two men stumbled outside, obviously drunk. Beside him, Sierra gasped softly and stepped back. Toga shot her a quick glance and frowned at the upset that registered on her features.

 

“That bitch had it coming,” the taller of the two slurred. “Nothing but a whore, anyway.”

 

The other man guffawed. “Who the hell cares if we've been banned from their club? The tits in there were all sagging, anyway.”

 

“No doubt, I---” Cutting himself off when he looked up to see Sierra and Toga, the man's already arrogant grin turned even more smug. “Sierra, isn't it? Small world, huh?”

 

Toga's arm tightened around her when she leaned a little closer to him. Her anxiety was coming at him in waves, and he didn't like it at all. “Allan,” she answered quietly. “I guess it is.”

 

Light blue eyes flicked over Toga, blatantly assessing him. With a half-sneer, he dismissed the youkai. “Slumming, Sierra?”

 

Toga stiffened as Sierra gasped, cheeks blossoming in indignant color. “Still haven't changed, have you? Once a jerk, always a jerk.”

 

“Oh, now that hurts,” Allan scoffed as he stepped toward Sierra. Toga pulled her behind his back and stood his ground. Allan stopped and glared at Toga. “Move it, will you? Are you stupid or can't you talk?”

 

“Toga,” Sierra murmured, catching his arm as he cracked his knuckles. “He's not worth it.”

 

“I suggest you run away now, little man,” Toga challenged quietly, “before you manage to offend me . . . more than you already have.”

 

Allan laughed, the shrill, snide sound filling the air as passers-by paused to stare. “Offend you? Like I give a shit. A friendly word of advice for you: get rid of the useless baggage. She's not even good for a fuck.”

 

Something in Toga's head snapped. In a blur of movement, he grabbed Allan by the throat and shot forward, around the side of the building into the darkened alley as he slammed him against a brick wall with every intention of making the bastard eat his words. Through the enraged haze that engulfed his mind, he could hear Sierra's voice, begging him not to do it.

 

Allan's hands clawed at Toga's wrist. The pathetic gesture did little to loosen his hold as the man kicked his feet, as his face shifted from pallid white to deep red into a violent lavender shade as his oxygen was cut off. `Hurt mate . . . Toga's mate . . . kill . . . .'

 

Gurgling and trying to wheeze as he struggled against Toga's grip, Allan's face contorted in a pained grimace as Toga's hand tightened a little more. “Please,” he gasped. “S-s-sor-ry.”

 

“Toga!” Sierra screamed as she tugged on his arm. “Toga, stop! You'll kill him!”

 

“That's the idea,” Toga growled, shifting his glare off the man pinned to the wall to meet Sierra's stricken face. Eyes wide, terrified, she hung onto his arm, pleading with him to stop. “Fuck!” Toga snarled, slamming Allan against the wall once more before letting him drop to the ground in a miserable heap.

 

Allan's breath rasped, obscene in the still alley as Sierra threw her arms around Toga's waist, burying her face against his chest. “I'll . . . have . . . you . . . arrested,” Allan gasped out.

 

Sierra turned to stare at him. “You really are stupid, aren't you? He could have killed you! If you call the police, do you think he won't? Maybe you should think for once instead of being a jerk.”

 

Allan didn't get up to challenge Toga again. Toga realized that the man's friend had disappeared. He wasn't concerned. He could smell the man's fear, left in his wake. “Don't come near Sierra again. Don't touch her, don't look at her, don't even think about her,” Toga warned. “Insult her again, and I'll kill you.”

 

Allan shrank back as Sierra gasped. Toga could feel his concealment slipping away, and for once, he didn't care about that, either. Feeling the surge of his youkai blood with his heartbeat, Toga saw the fear register in Allan's eyes as he stared at Toga in horrified fascination.

 

“What the hell are you?” Allan asked, his tone worried, awed.

 

“Something you will never understand,” Toga answered as he narrowed his gaze on the man. “Just stay the hell away from her.”

 

Allan scooted toward the light, toward the sidewalk. Toga didn't try to follow him.

 

Sierra watched the pitiful man go before she turned back toward Toga again. “Do you think he'll call the police?”

 

Toga shrugged as he observed Allan's retreat. Falling once as he tried to get up, he scrambled to his feet and ran. “He won't.”

 

“How do you know?”

 

“He was scared. I could smell it all over him.”

 

She digested that in silence as she sighed and stepped back, rubbing a trembling hand over her face. “Toga?”

 

Little by little, he could feel his mind shift back to normal. “Yes?”

 

She hesitated before she answered, her voice shaking as she slowly shook her head. “You . . . were you really . . . ? I mean, you would have . . . ?”

 

He understood what she couldn't ask. He couldn't meet her gaze as he nodded. “I've never wanted to kill anyone as badly as I wanted to kill him,” he admitted.

 

Sierra winced. “You can't kill someone for insulting me, Toga . . . but I . . . thank you for defending me.”

 

“What he said about you,” Toga pointed out, “I can't let that pass.” She didn't look like she cared for his answer. In the end, she nodded and sighed. He held his hand out to her, beckoning her forward with the simple gesture. “Come, Sierra. Let me take you home before you freeze out here.”

 

Sierra stared at his outstretched palm for a moment before gingerly slipping her hand into his. His fingers closed over hers as he lifted his hand to resecure the concealment once more before leading her back toward the harsh light of the street lamps.

 

 

~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~ *~=~*~=~*~=~*~=~

A/N:

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Reviewers

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MMorg

angelica incarnate ------ 5hours and 5 minutes (aka sari15 lol) ------ LadyOrion(notsignedin) ----- i ate too many donuts007 ------ cj flutterbye ------ DarklessVasion ------ Lena17 ------ Iggy Lovechild ------ notzathros (Nope, has to be ACTUAL sex, and as far as that goes, it has to be with a youkai for the mating to work.)

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FFnet

ILOVEINUS589 ------ Drake Clawfang (Yes, he's told her, he's told her that his father stopped counting his age) ------ Ryguy5387 ------ Flames101 ------ Lady Yukiko

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AFFnet ------ AScom ------ ATnet

Crazy Fan S.S ------ fruitcake ------ Jasmine Fields ------ snowfall ------ Mel (Not unless it was done by a youkai) ----- Midnight_Sparrow ------ akdreamer ------ Lila Elensar ------ jragoneyes (no MAJOR spoilers… other than that Toga and Sierra do end up together… LoL) ------ ColShaLin

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Final Thought fromSierra:

…Talk about attack dogs …

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Defiance): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~