InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 2: Defiance ❯ The Waiting Game ( Chapter 28 )

~~Chapter 28~~

~The Waiting Game~

 

“What do you suppose it'd be like to walk on the moon?” Sierra asked as she stared out the window at the full moon high in the sky.

 

Toga glanced up from the contracts he was reading through and pushed his glasses up his nose. “I don't know. Hadn't really thought about it.”

 

She shrugged as she ambled over and sank into the overstuffed armchair beside the sofa. “When I was little, my bed was right under the window. I stared at the moon sometimes, and I thought that if I were an astronaut, I wouldn't want to come back. Do you think the earth looks as small as the moon from there?”

 

Toga smiled. “Maybe a little bigger.”

 

She folded her hands together on the arm of the chair and let her chin drop on them. “You're probably right.”

 

He set the contract aside and shook his head slowly. “Don't worry so much.”

 

She understood his admonishment and forced a small smile. “I know, it won't make them call any faster with the results, right?”

 

He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. He returned her half-hearted smile and picked up his contract again.

 

Sierra stared at him, catching herself memorizing everything about him yet again. She wasn't sure how often she'd done this in the last two weeks, gazing at Toga, drinking him in with her eyes, etching every detail about him in her brain . . . a brain that may not let her remember him, in time. That thought scared her the most, the idea that she might see a picture of him and not be able to recall the softness in his voice, the shining light in his eyes.

 

The test was simple enough, just a vial of blood leeched from her right arm. In the five days since the test was done, she'd been incapable of the basest of tasks. Alternately sidetracked by unreasonable fear and the feeling that she was walking the tightrope over a chasm of depression, she couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, sometimes couldn't even breathe. Five to seven days before the results came back, the doctor at St. Luke's Medical Center had told her. His mouth had been smiling. His eyes had been dull.

 

And Toga . . . .

 

As if he knew and understood her restlessness, how close she was to losing her mind, in his typical way, he'd been there for her, despite the fact that she had adamantly refused to let him go with her for the testing. He was her last thread of sanity. She couldn't let him see her fall apart, which was pretty much what she'd done when she'd gotten into her car after the test. It had taken nearly fifteen minutes to get herself under control enough to stop sobbing.

 

But then, Toga knew her better than anyone else. While it thrilled her, it scared her, too. She never thought it was possible, and yet he seemed to understand things about her that she struggled with every day. `You belong with him, Sierra. You know you do.'

 

Staring at his face as he frowned down at the contract he flipped through, she had a sudden desire to smooth the slight scowl away. His soft raven hair was flipped over one shoulder as he idly petted Kirara's head as she drowsed on the sofa beside him. With a quiet sigh she closed her eyes as her heart swelled, ached in her chest. Toga's calm was reassuring enough and yet a hint of reluctance remained.

 

Since the night of the disastrous run-in with Allan, Toga had come by every evening after work. Always greeting her with a warm smile and a chaste kiss on the cheek, there had been too many instances of near-touches, of exchanged glances tainted with the torment of kisses that never quite happened.

 

She knew what he was trying to do, and she loved him for it. It cost him enough to stay with her when she couldn't make any promises. She didn't dare ask him for more.

 

Now and again she would see hints of the anger that he hid from her, the same anger that he'd unleashed the night he'd met Allan. There was no denying that his volatile temper had frightened her. Still it reassured her, too, that Toga did care and would risk everything in his life if she asked him to. The way his eyes had flashed, bleeding crimson into amber with the beat of his heart . . . . Maybe she hadn't realized what he was capable of doing before. She did now. In that moment, if she hadn't stopped him, she didn't doubt that he would have killed Allan, and while he had been angry on her behalf, she couldn't stand the idea that he would discard a life so easily.

 

As if he could feel her gaze on him, Toga slowly looked up from the contract. His smile was hesitant, warm and bashful, and she smiled back even as her breath caught in her throat, even as tears stung her nose and the back of her eyes. In that moment he was more precious to her than anyone had ever been before, and she knew in her soul that she'd never, ever feel that way about anyone else again, either.

 

Toga's smile faltered as he dropped his gaze for a moment before peeking up at her as his cheeks pinked. “I . . . uh . . . I know you probably don't . . . want this,” he said as he dropped the contract on the coffee table and dug a tiny box out of his pocket. He shrugged almost helplessly as Sierra's mind slowed. Staring at the box in his hand . . . she knew what was in it, and she knew what he was asking . . . . “The girls in legal . . . they said today is special to you Americans.”

 

She couldn't breathe as he leaned forward and set the royal blue velvet jeweler's box beside her. “Toga,” she whispered as she slowly shook her head, unwilling to open the lid, unable to look at . . . that.

 

He shook his head as he frowned down at Kirara. “I know . . . you won't say yes until you know . . . I just . . . it's not as easy as that for me. You're the mate I've chosen. It cannot be undone. I don't want to undo it. That's the only engagement ring I'll ever buy, and I bought it for you.”

 

She sat back, stretching out a shaking hand toward the jeweler's box. She couldn't do it. Jerking her hand away as though the air surrounding the box repelled her, Sierra gasped. As much as she wanted to look, as much as she wanted to take the happiness he was willing to give her . . . . A silent sob welled up inside her, an ache in her throat that she couldn't swallow. She closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, Toga was staring at the window, and the tears in his eyes, the misery in his expression, shattered her heart.

 

“You don't have to say yes,” he mumbled, voice harsh, thick with emotion, “just . . . don't say no.”

 

“Toga . . . Keep it, until I can give you an answer?” she whispered as she wiped away the single tear that escaped to slide down her cheek.

 

His eyes shifted to meet hers though he didn't turn his head. An odd combination of his shy smile and the tear-stained brightness in his gaze forced another tear to slip down her cheek. “That's the thing, Sierra. It doesn't matter what your answer is. That ring . . . it isn't even close to what I already know to be true.”

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Toga rolled over and punched his fist into the pillow.

 

`Baka . . . you shouldn't have done that. You knew it was stupid. Way to make her feel even worse. Baka, baka baka . . . .'

 

With a sigh, he sat up. Another sleepless night.

 

The torment of Sierra's lingering scent played hell on his nerves. She surrounded him in the darkness, the wafting smell of apple blossoms, the more agonizing tint of her that clung to his Mokomoko-sama. Even closed away in the back of his closet, he could still smell her emanating from the fur. Swallowing hard, he willed away the flood of memories as he shot off the bed and strode from the room.

 

In the eerie stillness of the darkened apartment, Toga wandered restlessly, touching things that she had touched, hearing her laughter echo through the quiet.

 

He wished that he didn't understand her concerns, her fears. Maybe if he didn't, he could summon the will to argue with her, to tell her she was being stubborn for no good reason. Maybe if he didn't sense her emotions as strongly as he could his own, he could be angry. Every moment he spent with her he could feel himself falling just a little further, a little harder. He understood even if she didn't. The bond was still deepening despite his careful distance, despite his resolve not to press matters.

 

Damn it, the knowledge that everything he had searched for could be taken away with a single test result that he had no control over infuriated him.

 

Pouring himself a glass of water, Toga stared out the window as he shook his head. He'd done the research. Sierra was right. There was a fifty-fifty chance that she carried the gene, and if she did, there was another fifty-fifty chance she would pass it onto her offspring, should she have any. If she didn't have the gene, her children wouldn't have it, either. If she did . . . .

 

Tightening his fist around the glass, it shattered in his hand, tiny shards embedding themselves in his palm, in his fingers as the shocking cold liquid coursed down his arm, dripped from his elbow to splatter on the floor. With a sick fascination, Toga watched as his blood mingled with the water, black in the darkness, as black as his thoughts.

 

If she carried the gene, she would have the disease. There wasn't any other way it could be.

 

Still, as much as the thought of her reduced to a mere prisoner in her own body appalled him, the thought of a life without her was too hard to even consider.

 

`Giving up already, pup? Feh! That ain't how you were raised.'

 

Toga flinched at the voice in her mind, the one that sounded far too much like Uncle Yasha. `If you only knew . . . what would you do, Uncle Yasha, if Kagome was in Sierra's place? How do you protect her from something that you can't fight, you can't control, you can't see?'

 

A pained smile, a bittersweet memory . . . . Toga wasn't sure why he thought of it now, but he couldn't help remembering the day of Uncle Yasha and Aunt Gome's wedding years ago.

 

InuYasha squatted beside him as he sat under Goshinboku after the wedding. “Something wrong, Toga?”

 

Toga shrugged, trying his hardest to seem unconcerned. “No . . . .”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah . . . .”

 

InuYasha waited another moment then slowly pushed himself to his feet to head back inside. “Suit yourself.”

 

“Uncle Yasha?”

 

InuYasha turned back to face the boy, who had also stood. Toga shuffled his feet, staring at the ground. “Toga?”

 

“You married her? Like a human ceremony? But you're hanyou---half-youkai. Why?”

 

InuYasha knelt down before him and made Toga look him in the eye. “Because Kagome's human. Because this wedding made her happy. Because I love her. Toga, when you meet a girl and feel about her like I feel about Kagome, you'll understand.”

 

Toga's frown deepened. “But why did you have to marry Kagome?”

 

InuYasha grinned. “Some day you'll find your own Kagome.”

 

Toga's smile faded with the memory. `Well, I've found her, Uncle Yasha. I've found her, and . . . and I just may lose her, too . . . .'

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Sierra sat in the darkness as thin, silvery blue moonlight filtered in the windows, fell on the floor, a patchwork study of darkness and light as the clock on the fireplace mantle chimed the hour.

 

`Six a.m.'

 

The mechanical part of her brain that functioned off her mundane schedule kicked in, whispered that it was time for her to shower, to put on her game face, to go into the office and pretend that her world wasn't hanging by the thinnest strand of hope.

 

She stared at the jeweler's box still sitting on the chair beside her. In the hours since Toga had left, she couldn't bring herself to open it. Everything she'd ever hoped for, everything she'd always wanted was right there within her grasp, and she desperately wanted to take it.

 

The waiting was the hardest part. If she knew, she could stop worrying and wondering. She could start dreaming again, or she could deal with the broken remains of her beautiful wish.

 

`Fifty-fifty . . . half of a whole . . . half a hope . . . .'

 

The disconcerting image of God or whatever entity that dictated the flux of life solidified in her mind, appallingly real. In his pristine white robes surrounded by fluffy clouds tinged with pink and blue, the shades of morning sunlight . . . . Did this being have a coin to flip? Heads you win, tails you lose . . . .

 

Choking out a bitter laugh that rang in her ears like the knelling of a bell, Sierra was surprised to feel moisture on her cheeks, dripping down her neck as panic gripped her stomach.

 

It seemed so arbitrary, so pell-mell. Who decided who was good enough to live? What had she done to deserve something so frightening?

 

Her family had gone on vacation one year, to South Carolina to visit her aunt. Aunt Winnifred lived on the beach, and Sierra remembered getting up to watch the sun rise as she sat on the dock with her camera, the sound of the waves, soft and gentle like a lullaby. As the first weak rays of the new morning spread over the ocean bringing with it a sense of complete renewal, Sierra remembered feeling so awed, so inspired by the beauty that she'd forgotten that she had her camera.

 

She never knew why she had turned to look away from the brilliant colors streaking the heavens above. Narrowing her gaze as she noticed the small form of something lilting and cresting with the rising waves, she lifted the camera, snapped a picture of the lonely rowboat caught in the flow. She'd watched it for hours. It never seemed to move. As though it was anchored there where it bobbed up and down in the water, not coming closer but not lost at sea, either; an unfortunate victim of time and circumstance . . . .

 

That's how she felt. She was that boat, and the waters of fate that held her were the results of a stupid blood test.

 

Sierra jumped when the clock struck seven. Shaking herself out of her depressed musings, she deliberately ignored the ring box as she uncurled herself from the chair and shuffled off to take a shower.

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

The ringing phone could be heard in the hallway as Sierra fumbled with the key. It was probably Toga. He always called right after she took Kirara outside in the morning. She was running a little late today, but it was about time for his morning call . . . . “I'm hurrying,” she mumbled to herself as Kirara barked happily, darting around Sierra's feet and generally being a nuisance. The door finally opened, and Sierra sighed as she stumbled inside.

 

“Hold still, Kirara!” Sierra chided as she hurriedly unhooked the puppy's leash and kicked the door closed at the same time. Dropping the leash over the back of the sofa, she snatched the phone receiver carelessly and hit the `talk' button before bringing it to her ear. “Hello?”

 

“Ms. Crawford, this is Catherine at St. Luke's Medical Center. The results of your blood test are back, and Dr. Friedman asked me to tell you that he's got an available appointment at 8:30 this morning, if you can make it.”

 

Sierra's blood froze in her veins as she gripped the phone tighter.

 

“Ms. Crawford?”

 

Mercifully, the automatic part of her brain kicked in. Checking her watch, Sierra had to swallow a few times before she could answer. “All right.”

 

“Okay, then I'll let Dr. Friedman know to expect you.”

 

Sierra nodded then winced when she realized the receptionist couldn't hear her brains rattling. “Okay.”

 

Her hands were shaking too badly to hang up the phone. She barely managed to hit the `off' button when it rang again, and she screamed.

 

It took four rings before she managed to answer the call. “Toga?”

 

“Sierra? What's wrong?”

 

“They called. I'm supposed to go there, but . . . I . . . what if they . . . ? Toga?”

 

He was silent for a moment. “I'll take you.”

 

She closed her eyes against the concern in his tone. “No, I . . . I need to do this alone.”

 

“Sierra---”

 

“I've got to go . . . I'll be late. Bye.”

 

She hung up before her resolve wavered, before she broke down and begged him to go with her. Taking a moment to draw a few breaths to steady her nerves, Sierra dropped the phone and grabbed her keys and coat before hurrying out of the apartment and toward the stairs.

 

 

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A/N:

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Reviewers

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jragoneyes (AScom) :

So.... Sierra got pictures of Toga without his concealment on.... and she's left them on the sofa? ...can I say... "Oh... crap!"... yet? Also, if she does have the gene, couldn't Kagome heal her or something? annnd.... I was delighted to see your reference to the Inu no Taisho. Have you ever thought of putting out some sort of guide book to your stories? A rule book about demon rituals and laws of sorts? You seem very consistent in stories about stuff like the mate dieing and the moon thing, as well as other stuff.

 

Nah, Sierra locked her door. LoL… No, Kagome's a miko, she's not a miracle worker. There isn't a way Kagome could do anything at all. LoL, a guide book? That would be interesting. However, I do vary some things, like the `magic life extending device', so a guide book wouldn't really help, in that sense.

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MMorg

Lena17 ------ DarklessVasion ------ cj flutterbye ------ Vanvliet ------ LadyOrion(notsignedin) ------ angelica incarnate

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FFnet

Drake Clawfang ------ lil-epad ------ sari15 ------ Flames101 ------ Ryguy5387 ------ inu-fanforever ------ ILOVEINUS589 ------ grand admiral chelli ------ Un4given Miko

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AFFnet ------ AScom ------ ATnet

Mel ------ akdreamer ------ wlfhund ------ Sess_2005 ------ fruitcake ------ Shiga ------ inugrl15 ------ CheshireAngel ------ Deep Serenity ------ moon_girl (the betas say the word you're looking for is … hot. Lol) ------ Midnight_Sparrow

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Final Thought from Toga:

Just say yes . . .

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Defiance): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~