InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 2: Defiance ❯ Sierra's Answers ( Chapter 29 )

~~Chapter 29~~

~Sierra's Answers~

 

`What the hell is taking so fucking long?'

 

Toga paced the hallway like a caged beast as he waited impatiently for Sierra to return. Despite his rush in getting over to her apartment, he just missed her. He wasn't sure what time her appointment had been but it was nearly noon now. Surely it didn't take that long . . . .

 

Kirara whined on the other side of the door. “Sorry, pup. I can't let you out,” he apologized quietly. Kirara whined again.

 

Toga cracked his knuckles as his patience wore thinner and thinner. If she wasn't back in the next few minutes, he'd---

 

Head snapping up as Sierra's scent hit him, he strode to the stairs just as Sierra looked up at him.

 

Her face was pale, eyes strangely vacant. Hands shaking as she gripped the railing, she stopped mid-step and opened her mouth.

 

Shaking his head slowly as he descended the stairs to her side, the sudden fear in her eyes made him wince. The tears that washed into her eyes assailed his nose as he tried to ignore what his mind told him was true. “Toga---” she whispered.

 

“Let's get you inside,” he interrupted. He couldn't hear her say it. He couldn't stand to hear her put it into words.

 

She grabbed his hand, held it tight as she shook her head miserably. “No, Toga, you . . . you can't . . . .”

 

He didn't answer as he tugged her up the stairs. “I can,” he argued, deliberately misunderstanding what she was trying to say.

 

She choked back a sob but didn't argue as he gently took her keys and let her into the apartment. She stumbled over to the sofa, sank down as she buried her face in her hands. Her breathing was ragged, raw. Toga flinched as he closed the door.

 

“I've got the gene,” she mumbled, her voice muffled by her cupped hands. “I'll develop the disease, too.”

 

“There has to be something,” he said quietly. “A mistake at the lab or a treatment . . . .”

 

She shook her head miserably, her shoulders trembling, her breathing unsteady. “No mistake, Toga. There's no mistake. I . . . I can't fight it.”

 

He couldn't accept her answer. He couldn't believe what she said. “You can't give up, Sierra, because . . . because that means you want me to give up, too.”

 

“There's nothing, Toga! There's no cure, no hope!”

 

He shook his head, denying the cryptic sound of her words as he shot across the room and knelt before her. Gripping her shoulders, making her look at him, he shook his head again, fierce emotion in his gaze. “There's always hope.”

 

A sob escaped her as she tried not to cry, tried to pull away from him. He didn't let her go. “There is none, not for me, not for you---not for us. Before it's all over, I wouldn't even know you, and I wouldn't care, but you . . . . Don't ask me to do that.”

 

“Then don't ask!”

 

“Toga . . . .”

 

His chin dropped as he closed his eyes, searching frantically for a shred of hope, for an optimism that was failing him completely. “I won't leave you, Sierra . . . I need you.”

 

“Then let me be selfish,” she half-shrieked, half-sobbed. “Let me be selfish because I can't let you stay! I don't want you to see me like that. I don't want you to pity me!” Finding the strength to jerk away from his grip, she shot to her feet and pushed past him. He stood up and turned around, prepared to argue with her, to yell some sense into her, if he had to. What he wasn't prepared for was the velvet ring box she thrust under his nose. “Take it and go,” she whispered, hand trembling as she stuffed the box into his hand. “Find someone else to give that to.” She backed away as she swallowed a sob. “I didn't look at it. It wasn't meant for me.”

 

Toga stared at the ring box in his hand, trying to swallow the lump in his throat that threatened to choke him. Maybe he hadn't realized before that she was completely serious. Somehow her actions made it clear to him, and yet a part of him still had to know. “If . . . if the results had been different, what would you have said?”

 

Sierra sniffled and wiped her eyes as she avoided his gaze, lips trembling as silent tears coursed down her cheeks. “You don't want to know.”

 

“I do,” he countered just as softly.

 

She finally met his gaze, her tears spilling over as she swallowed hard. “I would have married you today,” she whispered just before she looked away, just before she uttered a pitiful cry.

 

He stepped toward her, his youkai senses screaming at him to comfort her. “Sierra---”

 

She closed her eyes, shook her head. “Just go, Toga . . . I . . .” she hiccupped as she tried to breathe. “I don't want to see you again.”

 

He drew back as though she had struck him. His mind told him that he was hurting her more in his refusal to leave. His youkai blood was howling.

 

It took everything within him to make himself turn to go. He stopped beside the table by the door though he didn't look back at her as he reached for the doorknob. “If it means anything to you, Sierra . . . I . . . I love you, and I will forever.”

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Sierra bit her lip to keep herself from sobbing as she watched Toga walk out the door, out of her life.

 

Sinking to her knees as the force of her sadness rattled through her, she rocked back and forth, arms wrapped around herself as she sought a comfort she couldn't find.

 

Anger welled up inside her, deep, black, vile. The only things she'd ever wanted had somehow managed to slip through her fingers, as fleeting as a feather in the wind. Toga's eyes stared at her, a face in her mind. Taunting her as he slipped further and further away, she tried to reach out to him. His lips moved but no sound came. In her mind, she saw him turn away again, saw him walk out the door, heard his words, his quiet confession.

 

`What have I done?' she asked herself, time and again, chanting the question as her sobs filled the air, as her heart broke then swelled only to shatter again. An ache raged through her, relentless, unyielding. She felt as though part of her had died, and maybe it had. She wanted to call him back, to let herself be held in his arms as he told her that he would make everything all right. Maybe, just for that time, she could believe him.

 

A desperate pain shot so deep, a sharp stab of grief that dug into her soul reverberated through her as her heart came undone. She hadn't known she could hurt so badly, hadn't realized how easily love could turn into a surge of fickle emotion. She couldn't remember a time when Toga wasn't there beside her. She couldn't imagine what she'd do, now that he was gone. His presence hung in the air around her, tinged the silent apartment in shades of blue that matched his crests. The sob that welled inside her was enough to choke her as the bitter remnants of her broken dreams seemed to dissolve before her eyes.

 

Pushing herself to her feet, Sierra stumbled toward the door. She tripped over her shoes and caught herself on the table. Gasping as she jerked her hand back, she stared through her tears at the ring box. He had left it. “Toga,” she murmured as she picked it up, wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

 

Choking back another sob as she slowly lifted the lid, she keened softly as she lifted a shaking hand to her lips. The solitaire diamond was huge teardrop cut---strangely ironic, she thought miserably. Toga . . . Toga had chosen the ring for her . . . .

 

Snapping the lid closed, she held it against her chest as she sank down against the door. The sobs came again, forced out of her amidst her angry recriminations, her confusion as she tried to figure out why. There were no answers, there was no comfort. All she had were tears and pain and a diamond engagement ring clutched against her heart.

 

A soft whine, a breathy growl interrupted Sierra's sobs. Blinking back tears as she gazed at Kirara, she choked as she realized that the puppy was holding her leash in her mouth, staring at Sierra as if she knew, as if she were asking that Sierra take her to Toga. Kirara barked around the leash, lowering her chin to the floor as her rear waggled in her pleading way. “I'm sorry, Kirara,” she whispered softly as she sniffled and wiped away her tears again. “We can't go see him . . . not anymore.”

 

Kirara barked. Dropping the leash on Sierra's leg and pawing her knee, the pup sat back and whined. When that didn't work, she grabbed Sierra's sleeve and gently tugged, growling softly.

 

Sierra scratched Kirara behind the ears and closed her eyes

 

It was for the best, wasn't it? How fair would it be, to ask Toga watch as she developed Huntington's disease? How fair would it be to ask him to take care of her even after she had forgotten who he even was? It wasn't, not at all.

 

Kirara gave up and lay down, uttering a soft moan as she breathed. Maybe she was beginning to understand that Toga wasn't coming back. Sierra caught the hint of accusation in the dog's eyes and winced. “I'm sorry, Kirara,” she said again, her voice ragged and tired. “It was the right thing to do . . . I didn't really have a choice.”

 

Her excuses sounded lame. She only wished it was as simple to convince herself that she was doing the right thing . . . .

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Sprinting across rooftops through the city, Toga ran like the hounds of hell were on his heels. It didn't matter where he ended up or how fast he moved. He'd never be able to escape the pain that threatened to tear him to pieces. The youkai bonding was too strong to ignore, impossible to undo. With every stride that carried him away from her, the pain grew and contracted around him, engulfing him as the distance between the mate of his heart and himself grew wider, further, indomitable.

 

She had filled a place inside him; a place he hadn't known was empty. With her brilliant smile, her luminous gaze, she had become the center of his world, and his youkai . . . .

 

He'd never felt so at odds with himself. His youkai welled up inside him, raging, brutal, vindictive. It demanded that he go back, that he force her to listen, yet he couldn't do it. To bring her more pain . . . He couldn't do it.

 

It made no sense. He wasn't human. Why did he understand human emotion? For the first time in his life, he understood the aloof youkai, the will of his kind to hold themselves above such base human emotions as love.

 

And yet without love . . . .

 

Toga sped up, pushing himself further, faster, harder. Trying to outrun his pain; trying to silence the voice that called her name. He wanted to go back to her, to beg her to keep him and yet he knew that in the end, she would resent him for that, too.

 

Dropping off the warehouse beside the piers on the shore of Lake Michigan, Toga wandered blindly to the edge of the structure, the overhang that stood above the slapping water. The gray sky blanketed thick with snow clouds loomed overhead, and in his mind, he heard her words, so soft, so broken, so painful . . . . `I would have married you today . . . .'

 

But she didn't know. She didn't realize. He hadn't told her because he hadn't wanted to hurt her more. He knew the truths, the ancient lore. He knew the reasons that made no sense.

 

Men wandered around him, scraping out their livings by sticking with the mundane tasks that others didn't want. Lost in the shuffle, a strange face, a solemn façade, he was ignored, neither tolerated nor scorned. Seeking answers to questions that had no rhyme, he stared over the icy waters as he willed his heart to numb.

 

He'd come to Chicago to find a new life, to map out a place for himself that had nothing to do with his father. In the end, he'd found Sierra, and when he dared to hope for a lifetime with her . . . .

 

Perhaps he would have been better off if he had stayed under his father's dictates. Would it have been better to never know what love felt like? His smile was dry, humorless, older than centuries, untouched by time. No, it wouldn't have been. Even if he felt as though every part of him was slowly dying, he had seen her smile, had heard her laughter, had held her in his arms. It had been enough. The beauty of her would remain a light in the darkness. It had to be enough.

 

“Hey, buddy. The dock's closing.”

 

Toga nodded slowly as he turned away from the pier. The squat, middle aged man stared at him, his expression wizened by time and the elements yet his gaze was full of quiet compassion. “You alright, kid? You look like you lost your best friend.”

 

“I'm fine, old man,” he answered as he started to walk away.

 

The old man fell in step beside him. “I always lock up about now,” he explained. “You need a cab or something?”

 

Toga blinked in surprise and shifted his gaze to meet the old man's watery blue eyes. “No, I . . . I can walk.”

 

“I hate to see you do that . . . you'll freeze after the sun goes down.”

 

Toga glanced down. He'd forgotten his coat. “That's all right,” he assured the man. “I don't feel the cold anymore.”

 

He chuckled, his voice roughened by cold winds and years of laughter. “You from Canada, then? They say our weather is mild by comparison.”

 

“No, I'm . . . I'm from Japan.”

 

The man stared at Toga, his gaze narrowing like he was trying to read his mind. Finally he nodded, his eyes brightening as though he finally understood. “It's about a girl, isn't it?”

 

Laughing at the shock on Toga's face, the man coughed a couple of times and patted Toga's back. “Don't worry, son, it happens to the best of us. You win some, you lose some. You look like you've got a few years before you have to worry about it too much.”

 

Toga forced a dim smile. “Thanks,” he said as he stepped out of the gates and walked away down the street.

 

 

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A/N:

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Reviewers

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xSilverShadowsx (FFnet) :

If she doesn't have this disease, but you said she could pass it on to her children right? Well she's going to have kids with Toga and they'd be hanyous. So wouldn't the demon blood in them keep them from getting sick?

 

If she carries the defective gene for Huntington's disease, she will develop it. If she does not have the gene, she will not develop it. If she does have the gene, she would then have a 50-50 chance of passing the gene on to her children. However, if she doesn't have the defective gene, her children would not ever get the disease. For more information on Huntington's disease, you can visit www(dot)hdsa(dot)org … As far as hanyou blood? I can't answer that … yet …

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obsesed_wit_fluffy(AScom) :

Doesn't Toga have to mark her for her to live as long as him that previously explained process has to do with transfusing blood. Wouldn't Toga's demon blood be enough to counter the illness if she has it? He is supposed to be the next big Inu no Taisho isn't he?

 

I think there may be things Sesshoumaru hasn't told him. After all, he's never wanted Toga to mate a human, has he? Lol…

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MMorg

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FFnet

arisu-the-pink ------ Ryguy5387 ------ Drake Clawfang ------ Jasmine Fields ------ Flames101 ------ ILOVEINUS589

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AFFnet ------ AScom ------ ATnet

ColShaLin ------ fruitcake ------ Nykur ------ akdreamer ------ Mel ------ Lokelani04 ----- Lila Elensar ------ jragoneyes ------ Shiga ------ inugrl15 ------ Crazy Fan S.S.------ Midnight_Sparrow ------ Cheshire Angel

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Final Thought fromToga:

… So that's her answer …

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Defiance): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~