InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 2: Defiance ❯ Seeking Refuge ( Chapter 33 )

~~Chapter 33~~

~Seeking Refuge~

 

Toga dropped the phone on the sofa and sighed as he leaned forward, resting his elbow on his knee as he let his forehead fall into his open palm. `Damn it! What the hell . . . how did that even happen?' Squeezing his eyes closed, he berated himself. `Baka! How could I . . . ? Sierra . . . .'

 

“You don't have to do this, you know.”

 

Toga didn't acknowledge Kagome's soft words as she sat down beside him. “Where's Uncle Yasha?”

 

Kagome sighed. “He's lying down. The flight was harder on him than he likes to admit.” She paused. Toga could sense the thoughts forming in her mind and winced inwardly. “You can't run away, Toga. You're not a coward.”

 

He shook his head as he slowly met Kagome's worried gaze. “It isn't about being a coward, Aunt Gome. I . . . There's nothing left for me here.”

 

“Are you sure, though? Are you really ready to go home?”

 

“I'll have to go, anyway. The only reason I was here was because of my work visa. Since I don't have a job anymore, then it'll be taken away.”

 

Kagome smiled sadly. “You know, Toga, when you were a child, I did everything I could think of to make you smile, and you always had one for me. What happened to that little boy?

 

He couldn't quite bring himself to force one, even for Kagome. “You can't always fix things for me, Aunt Gome. You know that, right?”

 

“Of course I do.”

 

Toga's thoughtful expression countered Kagome's claim. “Are you sure?”

 

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head at him. “Now you sound like InuYasha. Of course I'm sure.” She sighed as she reached out and placed her hand on his. “Just remember: I'm always willing to listen.”

 

Toga nodded and patted her hand before standing up. “I'm going for a walk.”

 

He grabbed his coat off the rack behind the door and strode out the door before Kagome could try to stop him.

 

The air on the streets was oppressive, heavy. Falling like a thick fog, a stifling blanket, it settled over him like a funeral shroud. It was too hard to think, too hard to breathe, too hard to do anything at all. Toga wandered down the street, pausing outside the Italian restaurant Sierra loved so much.

 

He had booked a midnight flight out, one-way, non-stop to Tokyo. Uncle Yasha hadn't complained but had shot him a disbelieving stare when Toga had suggested that they remain here for a few days. There just wasn't anything left for him here. Even if Sierra wanted him back, he couldn't shake the feeling that he'd somehow been responsible for that kiss in the parking garage.

 

Anger had given way to bitterness, and bitterness had fostered sadness. Guilt assailed him, wave after wave of a nauseating betrayal. Something he'd engineered in his inability to see Kari's feelings, he figured. Either way, he'd done what was unthinkable. He'd betrayed the mate of his youkai.

 

He knew the dictates, the thing that must be done. In order to gain her forgiveness . . . . But the rest would be up to her.

 

Toga jammed his hands in his pockets as he hunched his shoulders forward and turned around. There really wasn't any use in procrastinating. His heart grew a little heavier with every step he took, a pain in his chest grew more relentless, more consuming.

 

`Sierra . . . I'm sorry . . . .'

 

Stopping on the corner, he slowly lifted his gaze to stare up at her window. Her light was on. Her car was parked on the street.

 

People hurried past him on the street, couples holding hands, laughing friends, families with children. Toga felt lost, alone, sealed away from everything around him. The sound of the city muffled, dimmed, as a shadow of movement flickered across the sheer curtains that covered Sierra's window. How had everything gone so wrong? How had it spun away from him?

 

He stepped toward the building, his feet heavy, leaden. It was the hardest thing he'd ever done, to close the distance, to climb the stairs. His hand was shaking as he reached out to touch the button marked S. Crawford. A man Toga vaguely recognized as one of Sierra's neighbors opened the door. He nodded at Toga and held the door open. Toga mumbled his thanks as he brushed past the man into the sanctity of the apartment building foyer.

 

Every step contained a memory. How many times had he walked this path before? He tried to block it from his mind, tried not to feel the sharp pain as he tried to understand that it was the last time he would travel this way again. She was close enough that he could make out her scent, apple blossoms mingling with stale air, old carpet, other people. Reassuring and painful just the same, the smell of her was a balm and a torment, a calming pain.

 

Stepping off the stairs onto the landing, Toga winced as he stared at her door. Drawing a few deep breaths as he tried to tell himself that he had to do this, he forced himself to move forward, raised his hand to knock.

 

Sierra opened the door and gasped as her hands fell away from her coat. She stepped back as though she didn't dare remain too close to him, her eyes brightened as her cheeks flushed, and just for a moment, she looked like she might be glad to see him. “Toga.”

 

Slowly making himself meet her gaze, Toga couldn't even summon a smile as he lingered in the doorway. Kirara barked happily, lunging at his feet, jumping up to lick his hands. “I wanted to tell you,” he said quietly, wincing inwardly at the shock that surfaced on her face. “I quit my job. I'm going home. I'm leaving tonight.”

 

She leaned back against the counter as if her legs wouldn't support her anymore. The color leeched from her skin as her shocked gaze slipped away from his. “I . . . I see.”

 

Toga sighed. “Sierra, there's . . . there's something I have to tell you before I go.”

 

Sierra nodded stiffly, staring at her feet as her eyebrows drew together in a frown. “Toga . . . .”

 

“I . . . I kissed her . . . Kari, I mean.”

 

Sierra's face snapped to the side as she frowned in confusion; as she shook her head slowly. “What?”

 

Toga lifted his hands, a pleading gesture, then dropped them again as his desire to explain vanished. The upset in her eyes, the pain that surrounded her cut him deep, rattled through him like frigid winter air. It numbed his body, numbed his mind. It couldn't numb his heart. “I . . . kissed her,” he said softly, unable to meet her gaze.

 

She choked out a harsh laugh, a stifled sob as she shook her head. The look on her face devastated him, ripped the rest of his tattered soul to shreds. “It's all right, Toga,” she whispered hoarsely. “You . . . you don't owe me any explanations.”

 

“Sierra---”

 

She shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest, holding herself tight. “Did you choose her to hurt me?”

 

Toga stepped forward but stopped when her hands shot out to ward him off. He winced. “No, I---”

 

“Maybe it's better this way,” she whispered, her chin trembling, tears filling her gaze but wouldn't spill over. She looked away, drew an unsteady breath, closed her eyes as a tear slipped down her cheek. “I think you should go.”

 

Toga nodded, swallowing hard. He turned slowly and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him. He heard her muffled sob as pain exploded in his heart, blinding him for just a moment. She had sealed his fate, hadn't she?

 

And yet she didn't even know . . . .

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Sierra raised her left hand to cover her mouth as she swallowed back another sob.

 

`Toga . . . how could you?'

 

It didn't help, either, when she told herself that she didn't have a say in it. She was the one who wanted him to move on, wasn't she?

 

`But her? Kari?'

 

Sierra choked on a sob as Kirara whined at the door. That wasn't really it. It wouldn't matter who the girl was. It would still hurt, and it would still bother her, because the honest truth was that she hadn't expected him to comply with her wishes, at all. How selfish was she, to wish that he had tried just a little bit harder, to convince her that he wanted to stay with her?

 

`Nice, Sie. You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him, either? Treat him like a toy, you spoiled brat. Get him out to play with when it's convenient for you, and then what? Put him away to wait for you to decide that he deserves to come out again? What in the world is wrong with you?'

 

She sniffled and stumbled over to the sofa, sinking down on it as she dropped her face into her hands. She hated herself for what she'd done to Toga. She hated herself for feeling so betrayed, so hurt. She hated the circumstances that had been so cruel. She hated Kari for being the one that Toga had chosen to move on with.

 

And yet she couldn't hate Toga. She wanted to. She wanted to be angry, to be bitter. Maybe it would make everything easier. She couldn't even have that.

 

The phone rang, and Sierra dried her eyes, grabbing the handset off the coffee table and turning it on without bothering to check the caller ID. “Hello?” she answered, hoping her voice didn't give away her emotions.

 

“Sierra? You okay?”

 

She winced at the sound of Brent's concerned tone. “Oh, hey. Yeah, I was . . . just watching a movie,” she lied. “Guess I should stop watching tear-jerkers.”

 

Brent was silent for a moment, contemplating his words. She knew he didn't believe her. Sierra sat back and waited. “I, uh . . . I went to see Toga today,” he finally ventured.

 

Sierra winced. “Oh?”

 

Brent sighed. “Yeah . . . I wanted to ask him a few things.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“Sierra . . . why did you two break up?”

 

Sierra shrugged as she scowled at the coffee table. “We . . . just did. It's not a big thing.”

 

Brent didn't answer right away. “Are you sure it's not a big thing?”

 

“It's better this way. He's going back to Tokyo.” She flinched. She was trying to convince herself, wasn't she? And her brother probably knew that, too.

 

“Sierra---”

 

“It's fine, Brent. He told me . . . he told me that he . . . uh . . . kissed . . . Kari.”

 

“Did he?”

 

“Yeah . . . he stopped by to tell me that he was leaving tonight, and---Anyway, it's better, this way.”

 

“Wait, I don't think---”

 

“I don't want to talk about it,” Sierra cut in as she rubbed her temple. “Really, it's fine.”

 

“But---”

 

“No, and if you don't want me to hang up on you, Brent, you'll drop it. Please. I don't want to talk about it, okay?”

 

Brent sighed. “. . . Okay.”

 

Sierra let out a deep breath. No, she really didn't want to talk about that. The idea of Toga and Kari locked in a kiss was enough to kill her inside.

 

Hours later, she sat in her window, staring off toward to the west. On clear nights like tonight, she could see some of the larger planes rising above the city from O'Hare Airport. With every one she watched, she wondered if that was the plane he was on.

 

Toga . . . .

 

Her eyes burned, hot and dry. Tears blocked her throat, an ache that she couldn't swallow. Even now she couldn't quite make herself believe that she would never see him again.

 

The clock on the mantle struck midnight, then twelve-thirty. In the distance, another plane rose, and as she stared at it, as it rose higher and higher above the city, the bright lights that marked it seemed to wink at her. `That's the one,' she thought suddenly as a single tear slid down her cheek. She wasn't sure how she knew it. She had no idea if it really was his flight. Somewhere deep inside, though, she could feel the distance between them widening, stretching vast and painful, and she knew that her heart had boarded that plane with him.

 

She watched the lights until they dissipated in the night sky as a melancholy ache opened up inside her. Dulled by the space that separated them, the dimmed emotion was easier to deal with.

 

She stood up and wandered through the dark apartment as she told herself yet again, that this was how it should be, how it must be.

 

Flopping onto her bed, Sierra sighed, pressing the heels of her hands against her burning eyes. `Now . . . if I could only believe it . . . .'

 

It was a long time before sleep came to her.

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

Toga dropped his bag on the floor and glanced over his shoulder. “Thanks for letting me stay here.”

 

Kichiro shrugged off-handedly. “Not a problem. Ryo's gone this week, anyway. Sesshoumaru needed him to take care of a problem.”

 

At the mention of his father's name, Toga's back stiffened. Deliberately ignoring the topic at hand, he stared at the bed with a thoughtful frown. “Do I need to flip the mattress or anything?”

 

Kichiro looked confused. “Flip it?”

 

Toga shook his head. “Never mind.”

 

The chime of the doorbell echoed through the house. Kichiro shrugged and headed toward the sound as Toga rubbed his hands tiredly over his face.

 

He ought to get a shower. He made a face. He hadn't slept at all on the plane. His ears kept popping, and his anxiety level had been too high to allow it. He sighed.

 

“Oi, Toga. Forget something?”

 

Toga's head snapped up, and by reflex, he caught the black fur that flew at him. Kichiro leaned in the doorway with a marked frown. “Thanks.” Toga mumbled as he dropped Mokomoko-sama onto the bed.

 

“Mother said you forgot that,” Kichiro remarked in a too-casual tone.

 

“I . . . yeah, I guess I did.”

 

Kichiro shook his head slowly. Toga braced himself for whatever it was his cousin was going to say.

 

“All right, out with it,” Toga finally said.

 

Kichiro shrugged. “You forget your car keys or your jacket. You forget to wash behind your ears or to turn on the answering machine. You forget to wipe your ass, or---”

 

“Feh,” Toga snorted, “speak for yourself, baka.”

 

“Whatever,” Kichiro growled. “You're missing the point.”

 

“So what is the point?” Toga demanded.

 

Kichiro's golden gaze seemed to bore into Toga's head. Of the twins, Kichiro was far more perceptive than Ryomaru tended to be. For a moment, Toga wished that Ryomaru was here, instead, even if the pup's idea of fun normally involved highly-scandalous endeavors.

 

“You don't forget something you're born with, Toga.”

 

 

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A/N:

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Final Thought from Toga:

…Ass wiping? What the hell is wrong with that baka?

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Defiance): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~