InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity 3: Forever ❯ The Calm ( Chapter 35 )

~~Chapter 35~~

~The Calm~

 

Nezumi tugged at the snug t-shirt and frowned as the fabric loosened around her chest but rose to expose her belly. `Damn . . . how can girls stand this?' she fumed, tugging the front down to cover her belly as the back rose up instead. `Damn, damn, damn, damn!'

 

`Tell me again, just why are we torturing ourselves with these clothes?'

 

`Because if Ryomaru can change stuff for me, then I can do it, too, that's why.'

 

She sighed. Ryomaru was up to something. She could feel it. He'd gotten home shortly after she had finished showering; he had told her that he wanted to take her somewhere. Then Kagome called, and now Nezumi was waiting for him to get off the phone so they could leave.

 

His mood baffled her, too. He seemed almost calm, serene, as though he had come to some sort of strange understanding that eluded her. She knew there was something on his mind. He'd been this way for a couple days, since the night he had ordered her to take off the dress. She couldn't garner the courage to ask him about it. Something deep inside told her that the answers she wanted were going to make her question herself, too.

 

“Why, uh . . . that night? Why did you let me . . .?”

 

`I can't answer that! What could I even say? I thought he'd be too drunk to remember? That he wasn't supposed to know that night even happened? That I never meant to screw up his life?'

 

`And do you really think he feels that way? Maybe his reaction wasn't great in the beginning, and maybe he could have handled things differently. Then again, Nezumi, playing the blame game is a two way street. `Course, you know that already, right, since you've spent years trying to justify your reasons for keeping him away.'

 

`That's not what I was trying to do . . . Ryomaru never really wanted me. It was all an accident from the start. I can't help but feel like he's just . . . I don't know, making due or settling . . . and I never wanted that for him. Not for Ryo.'

 

`Don't be stupid, Nez. Didn't you hear him? He did choose you. That should count for something.'

 

She frowned as Ryomaru's words came back to her. “You ain't them, and if I wanted one of them, don't you think I'd have chosen one of them? Now open the fucking door!”

 

`He was angry,' she insisted. `He didn't mean it. He was angry.'

 

`And sometimes people say the things they really do mean when they're angry. You do it all the time. What makes you think Ryomaru's any different?'

 

Her frown deepened as Ryomaru strode back into the living room, staring at the phone receiver as he clicked the `off' button.

 

`Could he have meant that? Could he really?'

 

“You ready to go?” he asked as he dropped the phone back into the recharging unit.

 

“Okay,” she agreed as she stood up, trying to hide the act of tugging on her shirt under the guise of straightening her clothes. “So where are we going?”

 

He scowled as he took in the t-shirt and only slightly baggy jeans she wore, but didn't comment. “You'll see. I wanted to show you something, that's all.”

 

“That sounds dubious,” she retorted as she headed toward the foyer and grabbed her coat.

 

“Grab a hat. We're going to be outside.”

 

`Outside? Just what does he have in mind?'

 

Ignoring the suspicion clouding her thoughts, Nezumi did as she was told and grabbed a pair of gloves for good measure. Satisfied that she would be warm enough, Ryomaru nodded and reached for her hand as he opened the door and pulled her outside.

 

“Come on, Ryo . . . what's this all about?” Nezumi asked as he dragged her around the house and through the backyard. She couldn't figure out what he was thinking, and when he simply shot her an unrepentant grin, she shook her head and heaved a sigh to voice her protest.

 

It was a mild evening. The air wasn't as cold though the snow on the ground wasn't melting. Their feet marred the blanket of white, and as he led her into the forest, a reassuring sense of peace cloaked her.

 

He led her deeper and deeper into the forest, into a part of the forest that she didn't recognize. She followed along behind him, trying to ignore the tingly warmth of her fingers held gently but securely in his hand. “You're really not going to tell me where you're taking me, are you?”

 

He sighed. “Nope. Give up, already, will you?”

 

“Fine, be that way,” she countered, knowing he was going to laugh at her pout. Moments later his chuckles filled the forest, unleashing a rampant horde of butterflies loose in her belly.

 

“Come here,” he said between bouts of laughter as he scooped her off her feet. “We'll get there faster if I run. I don't want to miss the start.”

 

“The start of what?” she demanded as she peeked over her shoulder at the ground that blurred under his strides.

 

“Stop being impatient,” he reprimanded. “You'll see . . . maybe you'll like it.”

 

That had a somewhat dubious ring to it. Nezumi heaved a sigh designed to let him know just what she thought of his deliberate evasion. He spared her a glance but didn't comment.

 

He stopped on the outskirts of the forest not far from Sunset Shrine. Nezumi could see the top of Goshinboku swaying in the gentle breeze. Ryomaru stood at the base of a dead-looking tree. It lacked any smaller branches that might have marked it as a dormant tree, and the few branches it did possess were thick and gnarled, grayed with age and almost looked like stone. The petrified tree was somehow majestic and solemn. Unyielding, it stood still while the rest of the forest---the rest of the world, continued to change. It seemed almost sad, and yet Nezumi couldn't help the melancholy that swept through her as she stared at the ancient tree.

 

Ryomaru paused before leaping onto the lowest branch. The tree didn't budge, and for a moment, Nezumi wondered whether or not the limb would hold. She let out her breath slowly as Ryomaru let her feet fall to the smooth, solid branch.

 

“The old man brings Mother here a lot. Kich and I used to play under the tree while they watched the sunset,” he explained softly as he sat down on the branch with his feet up and his knees apart. Leaning back against the trunk, he held out a hand for Nezumi.

 

She hesitated for a moment but slipped her hand into his, and let him tug her carefully into his lap. Resting her head on his chest with her arms draped over his knees, Nezumi stared across the horizon as the sun began to sink over the highest skyscrapers, as dusk dipped down to kiss the cityscape. “Wow,” she breathed in a bemused trance. “It's amazing.”

 

“Yeah,” he agreed, a slight hitch in his voice, “amazing.”

 

She craned her neck to look back at him only to find him staring solemnly into her eyes. “R-R-Ryo?”

 

He didn't look away. “You belong with me, did you know? Maybe I took it for granted, that you'd always be around, and I'm sorry . . . I never meant for you to feel like you weren't my first choice.”

 

A painful swelling in her chest roughly where her heart should have been prevented her from speaking for a moment, and when she finally was able to breathe again, she felt dizzy, light headed, and very, very scared. “Your first choice?”

 

He tried to smile. It turned into a grimace, and his ears drooped as he slowly shook his head. “I fucked it all up, didn't I? Fucked it up from the start, but . . . I want to fix it.”

 

`What's he saying?' she thought as she struggled for words. “Ryo . . .”

 

“It's forever, Nez, and I should have told you. Forever is a really long time, but if you stay with me . . . Will you? Will you stay? With me?”

 

The raw emotion in his eyes was enough to break Nezumi's heart even as a stuttering warmth, a gentle blossoming of cautious hope welled up inside her. “Forever?”

 

He nodded. “Yeah.”

 

`Trust him, Nez! Look at him! He's serious---absolutely serious . . . just this once, can't you trust him?'

 

`It's not him . . . it's me . . . I don't know if I trust me . . .'

 

`That's the thing, you know. You don't have to trust yourself because Ryo trusts you enough for the both of you.'

 

That was true, wasn't it? It was all there in the depths of his gaze. She could see the reluctant hope, the painful vulnerability that he tried to hide but couldn't. “Is it too late?” he asked quietly, eyes narrowing as he tried to see into her thoughts. “Is it?”

 

Nezumi shook her head as she willed her heart to slow down. “Forever sounds . . . nice.”

 

He blinked at her reply, looked shocked, as he seemed unable to fully grasp her meaning. “You . . . you mean that?”

 

“Isn't that what you want?”

 

“Yeah, but . . . but only if you do.” He sighed suddenly, shaking his head as he finally looked away, off toward the setting sun. “I went to see your father a few days ago. I wanted to know . . . he told me where your mother is buried. If you want to go, I'll take you.”

 

It surprised Nezumi that he would do such a thing, and yet it seemed completely natural to her, too. “Why did you do that?”

 

He shrugged. “Because you didn't know . . . because you needed to know . . .” Gazing down at her, he managed a thin smile. “Even if you don't want to go there now, even if you don't want to go there any time soon . . . I thought you had a right to know.”

 

Nezumi's lips trembled as she tried to stave off tears that poked her eyes. Hot, aching, they constricted her throat, choked her breath. How was it that Ryomaru always could tell, that he always knew what she needed, even if she didn't know for sure? “Thank you.”

 

“It's what a mate does,” he said simply, pulling her back against his chest as he wrapped his arms securely around her. “Mates protect each other. I'll protect you.”

 

“Mates, huh?”

 

“You have to believe me, Nez. I wouldn't lie about that. Everything I've told you has been the truth.”

 

Believe him . . . She wanted to believe him---wildly, desperately, completely wanted to believe him. `If he's telling you the truth, then you can believe him. He's given up his job for you. He's given up the thing that he felt he needed to do, just to give you a sense of security. If you can't believe him now, you never will, and if you won't believe him, do you really deserve him?'

 

`I . . .'

 

`Do you want to believe him?'

 

`. . . Yes.'

 

`Then tell him that!'

 

`What if---?'

 

`There is no `what if'. There is only his promise. You know Ryomaru. If he promises, he won't back down. He might be a lot of things, and he certainly isn't perfect, but he is honest---he is honorable, and you know it.'

 

She did know that, didn't she? She sighed. Of course she did. Ryomaru took promises very seriously.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Nothing . . . everything . . . All of it, all at once . . .”

 

He nodded. “I know what you mean.” Tightening his arms around her, he squeezed her gently and let out a resigned sigh. “You don't have to answer me right away. I just . . . I can't picture my life without you. You've always been here for me, and I want to be here for you, too.”

 

A slow smile surfaced on her face as she relaxed against him and stared at the last remnants of sunlight. Pink and orange on the horizon, the earth glowed with a delicate light, an inner peace that cosseted her. “You said you'd protect me,” she mused, “forever?”

 

She felt his lips brush against her head, the sensation muffled by the knit cap she wore, just before his cheek nuzzled against her. “Absolutely.”

 

 

-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-0-=-

 

 

It was late. Staring into the darkness of the night, watching without seeing as shadows danced over deeper shadows, Nezumi blinked slowly and let a sigh slip.

 

They'd watched the rest of the sunset in silence, both lost in thoughts that ran along the same vein. While Nezumi wasn't positive, she had sensed that the tension in Ryomaru's stance had waned. His heartbeat had been steady, reassuring, lulling her into a sense of security.

 

She felt so safe when she was with him. Despite the moments of insecurity when trying not to think about the evolving nature of their relationship, that feeling had almost always been there. Maybe it had been shaken when she found out that Ryomaru was a hunter that he was absolutely capable of killing, but it hadn't really gone away.

 

It still didn't really change who he was, did it? In the long run, she'd come to realize that maybe the person he was inside was sculpted by who he was as much as it was by what he chose to do. His disposition, his demeanor, his temperament had all changed when he had switched occupations, and as much as she hated to admit it, she really missed the old Ryomaru. His already short fuse had only shortened. He wasn't as quick to tease and laugh, and he was so restless that Nezumi would get tired just from watching him prowl around.

 

If he would listen to her about hunting again, would he return to the Ryomaru she knew? And just why wouldn't he?

 

She made a face. `He hasn't made sense to me in a very long time . . . then again, maybe I haven't made sense to him, either . . .'

 

Things were far more complex than she had bargained for. Running out of excuses to hold him off as he broke down each one with a subtle ferocity, she could feel the walls of her carefully constructed façade slipping away. He was methodically attacking her defenses, and she had to wonder if it was only a matter of time before those same barriers came tumbling down.

 

Why wasn't she angry that he had taken it upon himself to talk to her father? Why didn't it bother her? His actions could be perceived as trying to stick his nose into her business, couldn't it? Still the concern in his expression, the hesitation in his voice had quelled any irritation that she might have otherwise felt. `He was protecting me, wasn't he? He wanted to find out what my father knew so that I wouldn't have to ask . . .'

 

Despite the things he had done over the years, the things he'd said that left her wondering about herself, hadn't he also been a buffer for her? She used to tell herself that no other guy was as much fun as Ryomaru, no other guy was as complex. Had she used him as her excuse not to have to look at other guys? Regardless of how she felt about him, the end result was still the same: Ryomaru had given her a reason to keep hiding. She wrapped up her excuses in a pretty little package tied up with a satin ribbon under the guise of being hopelessly in love with her very best friend, and while that was true, she also knew that if she tried to say that was the only reason she shied away from boys in school and men she met later on, she'd only be lying to herself.

 

`The truth of it is that he was convenient. He kept you from having to be vulnerable, from having to take a chance that someone wouldn't hurt or leave you. Sure you love Ryomaru. How could you not when he's always been the one who has given you the security you didn't have? He's never tried to change you or asked you to be someone you aren't.'

 

It was true enough. It scared her, too.

 

`He's offering you everything you've ever wanted, everything you've ever dared to dream. The question is, will you take his offer? Will you let your heart decide for once, instead of letting your mind dictate your feelings? You can't hide forever, Nezumi, and deep down, do you really want to hide from Ryo?'

 

“No,” she whispered, her voice like a breath in the silence. “I . . . I don't.”

 

Kagome's words came back to her, the vow of the youkai, the promise to protect. He'd done that, hadn't he? She had seen it in his eyes. To him, that promise was more binding than anything else could ever be, and the underlying emotion that she hadn't placed at the time? She'd never seen it before. The tenderness, the caring, the open concern, the absolute frustration with himself that he felt as though he had somehow failed her . . . It wasn't the look of a man who was settling for anything. It was the look of a man . . .

 

`That can't be right,' she told herself as she shook her head.

 

`Why can't it be? Because you don't think you deserve him? Because you want to believe that life with you would be a fate worse than death for him? Come on, Nezumi, show a little faith. You know him. You absolutely know him.'

 

Ryomaru might not have ever been good with words but that didn't mean that he wasn't able to let her know how he was feeling. It only took a single look, and the look he'd given her in that tree . . .

 

Trouble was, Nezumi was no better with words than he was, not really. The stand-off could continue indefinitely with neither able to voice what he or she was unable to say, or . . .

 

Or she could find a way to tell him, and even if it wasn't with words, Ryomaru would understand, wouldn't he?

 

Sitting up slowly, she bit her bottom lip. `Maybe there is a way,' she mused as she swung her legs off the bed. `He's sleeping now, I'm sure, but . . . he'd understand that . . . It's the reason I didn't want him to see what was in it, right? Because he'd know . . .'

 

Standing up and slipping over to her closet, Nezumi drew a deep breath as she pulled open the doors and stood on tiptoe to reach the wooden box on the shelf. Taking a moment to run her fingers over the silky smooth surface, she frowned as she tried to decide if this was a good idea, if this was the right thing to do.

 

`Just do it . . . Take a chance, just this once.'

 

`It's such a huge chance. What if he . . . what if I'm wrong? What if I misinterpreted everything?'

 

`. . . What if you're right?'

 

She nearly changed her mind. Swinging around to replace the box on the shelf, she stopped and slowly pulled it back down.

 

`This is no different than getting back up after you fell off your bike the first time. If you didn't take the chance that you'd be rewarded by learning to ride it, you would have sat in the grass for a very long time.'

 

`This is hardly the same,' she argued. `There's a lot more at stake than learning how to ride a bike.'

 

`So the risk is greater. Doesn't that mean that the potential reward is, too?'

 

`The reward? Ryomaru . . .' Licking her parched lips as she swallowed hard, Nezumi nodded once. If she chickened out now, if she hid behind excuses again, if she tried to pretend that she didn't understand what he was trying to tell her then she would do it forever. The idea of being rejected was painful, but more painful was the thought that Ryomaru would somehow slip away from her.

 

Slowly, deliberately, she made her feet move. Whispering against the polished wood floor, she barely made a sound as she slipped out of her room and across the hallway to Ryomaru's door. It opened to the slightest touch of her fingertips, and for a moment, she stared, mesmerized by the sight of his profile in the thin moonlight. He was asleep on his side, silvery hair pooling around his head like an ethereal halo. The tinge of blue light on his skin, the deep shadows that contoured his body lent an aesthetic beauty to his pose. Unencumbered by clothes, he was untamed yet gentle, tempered by slumber.

 

She could have stared at him for seconds or minutes, for hours or for an eternity. In the end, it was the brush of Yukitora's fur against her bare ankle that startled her out of her bemusement. Squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin, she padded across the floor and set the wooden box on his nightstand. `He'll know . . . then I'll know, too . . .' Sparing him one last long glance, Nezumi turned on her heel and slipped toward the open doorway.

 

 

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A/N:

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Reviewers

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serendith (NSI) (MMorg):
I am curious - it seems that in Ryo's case (at least) his youkai side is actually more level headed then his human side. In the series Yasha's youkai side always seems to be the impulsive, violent part ... is it different for every individual? I know that you have been pulling some of you fics because of certain unpleasant situations. I was wondering if you have (or ever plan to) post your fics in a way that would be downloadable (either as one big doc or pdf). I know that you are not allowed to make money on your fics and you don't have any interest in publishing but I generally make it a habit to return to books/stories I like (I have a book I reread yesterday that I read for the first time in 1997). If you ever decide to do that I would love to know about it so that I could attain a copy for future perusal.

 

Understand, also, Yasha's youkai blood has been tempered by mixing with Kagome's miko blood in their children. It stands to reason, in this sense, that their youkai sides would be more logical … well, except for Kichiro's … LOL … After I complete the Purity series, I plan on doing extensive edits and then PDF'ing the fics to be downloadable off one of my websites.

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Pyro Amedaus  (MMorg):
Alright, for the first time ever, I have a question. That I'm not afraid to ask and wouldn't be rude, and I won't give examples of the rude ones because that would be...you get the idea. Does InuYasha hear his youkai blood, or just Kich and Ryo 'cause their twins? I feel like you already answered this, but I'm an idiot. Please answer the question of this lowly reviewer o' Mighty Queen of Angst.

 

Yes, InuYasha heard his youkai blood in Purity, though not to the extent as Ryomaru and Kichiro (in Purity 4).

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spookeymelichan (MMorg):
This chapter just rules!!!! It points out all the things that some of your reviewers seem to not get at times. Ryomaru realizes how he has treated Nez their whole lives, that his youkai picked her from the time they were pretty much children and he realizes why she is dressing the way she did with the well... dress. It blows my mind and frankly makes me angry when people say they don't like Nez. I find it hard to believe that people adopt the blame it on the victim mentality at times I hope that this chapter helps to drive home Nez's reasoning for being so slow to trust Ryo. It is obvious to me that in this story Ryomaru has really not treated Nez as well as he should have in the past. I mean the guy has used her to get to other girls, he's put her life in danger with the whole river incident. I realize people can argue that he didn't mean to but how selfish is that? Sure he honestly didn't mean for her to be hurt but he still used her and if he had not only been thinking about himself he would have realized that it was not a smart idea to send her out in the weather. It's no wonder the girl has such an incredibly hard time trusting him. To top if off she knows him almost better then she knows herself she has seen him chase girls, only for the chase, once it's over he drops them flat!!! How can she not be afraid to be one of those girls??? Anyway that's enough of me on my soap box I have a question I can't remember what's in the box? I know there are pictures and I know there are tickets I think from the dance he took her to so he could get that other girl but is there anything else? Great story I love these characters Ryo and Nez rule.

 

The only other thing in the box is a dried flower … and yes, I think that you've accurately pinned down the reluctance on Nezumi's part, her entire reason for being afraid and reluctant. I can't say I blame her. I've felt that way, myself.

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MMorg

DarklessVasion ------ foamyfan15010 ------ cj flutterbye ------ Zirra Nova ------ trinigirl524 ------ Suze (Aww, get better soon!) ------ littleolmee ------ inuyashasluverforever ------ pagan_sedjou (I think that was one of the most disturbing facts I've ever read … LMAO) ------ Crazy Fan S.S. ------ Cynbad146 (He meant the night they had sex, yes) ------ Sari-15 ------ Kurisu no Ryuujin ------ Firetrixs ------ OROsan0677 ------ notzathros ------ adamile ------ Ladyblade ------ EAP ------ WonderAway (They aren't all the same to me, I do read them, and I appreciate them … Thank you for taking the time to comment!)

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FFneteave

BakaBokken ------ Drake Clawfang ------ Ryguy5387 ------ moon-bunny735 ------ SilverStarWing ------ Flames101 ------ Anna Sakurai (Absolutely!) ----- zorioko ----- Toya's Gurl (I would say he can see color. Toga can …) ------ Captain applesauce ------ xxXDark SlayerXxx ------ Starr Stealer ------ ILOVEINUS589 ------ Little Baldwin ------ My Own Self

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Final Thought fromNezumi:

Does he really … ?

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Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in Forever): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize.

 

~Sue~