InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity ❯ Kagome's Decision ( Chapter 39 )

InuYasha held up the Tetsusaiga in the late afternoon sunshine. The rusty old blade was dull, cold, unable to offer him any sort of peace. The feeling that he would protect the frail human who had come to trust him, whom he had come to cherish, was gone.

Tetsusaiga had forever been the catalyst, marking first the desire in his heart to shelter Kagome from anything or anyone who attempted to harm her. Yet as he learned, as he mastered his own nature, the sword had grown in power, as well. `And now,' he realized with an incongruously ironic half-smile, `now the blade ignores me.' Now Tetsusaiga refused to hear him. He had failed. It wouldn't transform.

With a sigh, he dropped the sword into the scabbard. Even the sword's aura seemed to be gone. `I've broken the promise I made to you, haven't I? The promise of the hanyou to shield the miko . . . the promise I made to Kagome.'

His body ached. He'd spent hours in that tree, watching over Kagome as she had wept. How many times had he nearly called out to her? With every tear she had shed the pain in his spirit had magnified. He had wanted to go to her, to tell her that he'd give her his life if she would stop crying. Yet he couldn't. He didn't deserve the comfort in that.

She'd finally fallen asleep under that tree, her small form so lost, so alone, even protected as she was, with Dammit guarding over her. The dog, he understood, had sensed her pain, had known that Kagome's heart was breaking. When InuYasha had dropped from his perch and approached, intending only to take her home, Dammit had been the one to bear her fangs, to tell him that she wouldn't let InuYasha harm Kagome, not any more.

In the end, though, the dog had let InuYasha lift the woman into his arms and had trailed after as he had slowly walked with Kagome. The miko's energy she carried inside, the invisible barricade that surrounded her, had pulsated with her heartbeat. Designed to keep Kagome from physical hurt, the barrier had burned him. But he hadn't let her go. He couldn't leave her alone.

He put Kagome to bed and had spent the rest of the night sitting on her windowsill staring at her. She hadn't moved at all in the night. Had she even known that he was there? Did he want her to know?

Images in his mind tortured him, visions of Kagome, playing with the pups they should have had. How many would she have wanted? InuYasha sank down, his back against a tree trunk, Tetsusaiga wrapped in his arms, and with the knowledge that the sword didn't offer him a bit of comfort, not any more. In his mind, he could hear her laughter. The young ones shrieked with happiness, a sound he never knew as a child. When he approached them, though, all the smiles faded, the laughter died, and they stared at him reproachfully, as if they'd known that, because of him, they never had a chance.

`It was the right decision,' he told himself over and over, chanting the words that didn't comfort him at all. He didn't have the right to pass on the curse, the stigma . . . Being hanyou had never been anything but heartache to him. Kikyou had wanted him to be human, and though her reason was pure, InuYasha had sensed, too, that it would have made things easier for her in the end. He would have done that, sacrificed the part of him that was youkai for her. He would have done that, not because Kikyou couldn't accept him as a hanyou. She had.  No, he would have done it to make her life a little simpler. That would have been easy, but with Kagome . . .

She deserved so much more, more than he could offer her. How stupid had he been, to think that he could give her what she wanted, what she needed. A fool's hope, maybe. Kagome inspired that in him. He wanted to give her everything, he wanted her to have it all. Her hopes, her dreams, they were more important to him than anything else. How could it be that the one thing that he couldn't offer her could be the one thing that would end up destroying them both?

He closed his eyes against the hot sting of tears that wouldn't come. His eyes throbbed with the desire to shed tears. His soul wouldn't let him. The harm he'd dealt Kagome was too great for that. What she wanted from him was so much more than him giving up a part of his spirit, and even if she had been able to accept his decision, he hadn't had the right to ask her to do it.

The beginning and end of it was that InuYasha would give anything he could give to make Kagome happy. If she asked him to slay a thousand youkai, he would do it. If she asked for the moon in the night sky, he would find a way to get it for her, but children were different. He didn't have the right to do to them what had been done to him. The life of a hanyou was one that simply wasn't designed to be happy. He would have roamed the earth for the five hundred years to get to Kagome.  This was the one thing he could not do.

"Ah, there you are. Why is it that you don't care for the house I had designed for you, little brother? Something wrong with Tetsusaiga?"

"If you came by to taunt me, then you might as well go. I'm not in the fucking mood."

Sesshoumaru clucked his tongue. "Touchy, are we? Have a falling out with the miko? Where is she, by the way?"

InuYasha didn't look at his brother. "What do you want?"

"Something amiss, InuYasha?" Sesshoumaru challenged.

"I'll ask once more, Sesshoumaru. What the hell do you want?"

Sesshoumaru chuckled, deliberately provoking the hanyou. InuYasha knew the game. That didn't stop him from rising to the bait, though. "Do I need a reason to come visit my . . . baby brother?"

InuYasha finally shifted his gaze over to pin Sesshoumaru. Golden eyes met, silent challenge extended. "You always have reasons. Now spit it out, will you?"

"You win." Sesshoumaru made a show of staring at his claws, turning his hand over a few times as he examined them from different angles. "I came to ask you about the panther youkai that attacked the miko the day she got her memories back. Did he say anything to her or to you?"

"You came all the way over here to ask me that?"

With a sigh and a shake of his head, Sesshoumaru shrugged. "Don't be flip, baka. Hyou's been telling the human authorities about the youkai, and he's been giving out names, yours included."

InuYasha grimaced. "The humans won't do anything. They're not going to believe a hella nasty bastard like him, anyway."

"Hyou was the one who was responsible for the human muggings. Most of the authorities he's told don't believe him. Youkai must submit to human law, InuYasha. In order to hide the youkai who remain, it must be so. This bastard, as you call him, must be taken care of before he talks too much."

InuYasha got slowly to his feet, staring at Sesshoumaru as he tried to figure out where this conversation was heading. "What does this have to do with me?"

"Much has changed in five hundred years, InuYasha. Youkai take care of our own problems, yet we live in a human world. Understand, we will take care of this deviant panther, but in order to do that, allowances must be taken. This panther youkai must be freed before we can stop him."

"Still not seeing a fucking connection."

"Don't be a baka. He'll come after you. He will come after the miko."

"I thought you said no one believes him."

Sesshoumaru's smile was overly indulgent, like one he would give an errant child. "I said not many believe him. I never said that no one does."

InuYasha growled softly. "I'll tear him apart if he comes after Kagome."

Sesshoumaru sighed then nodded once. "I thought as much. I must warn you, though. You may do as you will with him. If he came after Kagura or the children . . . Well, I see why you feel this way. Just make sure that whatever you do decide to do? Make certain that human eyes do not witness it. It's less complicated that way."

At the mention of Kagura and the pups, InuYasha's frown deepened. Sesshoumaru turned to leave. InuYasha stopped him. "Sesshoumaru . . ." The Inu no Taisho stopped and turned back to face InuYasha again. "Tell me something. You and Kagura have been mated since we defeated Naraku, right?"

Sesshoumaru shook his head and narrowed his gaze, and for a brief moment, InuYasha had to wonder, just what his brother was thinking.  A momentary glimpse of . . . something . . . but it was gone before he could rightfully discern it . . . It felt almost foreboding, almost . . . sad . . . but . . . "We were mated . . . after that, but we married more recently."

InuYasha waved off Sesshoumaru's chiding. "Why'd you wait so long to have Toga and Aiko?"

Sesshoumaru shrugged. "No reason . . . Many reasons . . . After Naraku was destroyed, the world of the youkai started to change. His supporters, though few and basically insignificant, had to be dealt with.  Because of what Naraku had done, there was even greater fear of the youkai.  When gunpowder came, youkai extermination became something more of a threat. We allowed ourselves to fade into memory and reemerged only recently. So, the idea of having children was a little less palatable then . . . And there were other reasons, as well."

"Like what?"

Enigmatic smile in place—a smile that wasn’t exactly a smile, either—Sesshoumaru stared over the landscape with a discernable distraction, an air of near sadness. "Among other things, there was family, InuYasha. After you'd gone through the well, I realized a few things, among them, that I was the last of our father's line. I wanted my children to know their family."

InuYasha snorted indelicately, unable to keep the antagonism out of his tone as he rolled his eyes at his half-brother.  "Keh! You waited to have pups till I arrived? I don't believe that."

Sesshoumaru's gaze shifted to rest on InuYasha. He raised his eyebrows. "Think what you will. It matters not to me what you choose to believe. A baka rarely sees truth."

"How long has it been since you've been in a fight?" InuYasha goaded, cracking his knuckles as he glared at his brother.

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes. "Not nearly as long as you might think. In any case, I must be off. Oh, and for the record? Toga's still young. Should something happen to me, you would become tai-youkai—hanyou or not—at least, until Toga comes of age."

"What?"

Sesshoumaru didn't falter in his stride as he tossed his final words at his brother.  "Farewell for now, InuYasha . . . Remember what I told you."

InuYasha watched in stunned silence as Sesshoumaru disappeared around the side of the house. With a distinct frown, InuYasha tried to make sense of his brother's commentary. It was impossible. Family?  Tai-youkai?  Kagome?  `Damn it . . . Why does that bastard always have to speak in riddles?' he fumed as he flopped back down. `Fuck Sesshoumaru, anyway . . .'

"He will come after the miko."

InuYasha didn't notice the vicious growl that escaped him. He didn't feel the surge of fire rip through his veins at the idea of Kagome in any sort of danger, whatsoever. His eyes glowed red for a moment, then back to the molten gold. With the beat of his heart, his eyes fluctuated. InuYasha's growl intensified. "Let him come," he muttered softly, the yearning for a decent fight precluding thoughts of anything else. `Maybe,' he thought with a grimace, `if I can save Kagome, just this one last time . . . Maybe she can forgive me.'

He awoke with a start. He hadn't realized he had even dozed off. The sun was starting to sink on the horizon. Clouds had rolled in while he had been asleep. The wind had a peculiar bite, a bitter edge. It suited his mood nicely. The whisper of the breeze spoke of impending storms to come, of a tempest that would ravage his soul. InuYasha deliberately ignored the warning.

He yawned. What had roused him? The whine, the whimper came to him as the scent permeated his senses. Dammit stepped out of the shadows, her eyes sad, accusing. He looked away as guilt shot to the fore again.

Dammit came around and sat patiently beside him, as though waiting for him to notice her. With a heavy sigh, he asked softly, "How is she?" but didn't look at the dog.

The dog whined, lifting her paw and waving it at him. Rebuking him?

He grimaced. "I know; I'm the bad guy."

"You're not, you know."

With a soft gasp, InuYasha shot to his feet. Kagome stepped out of the shadows of the trees where Dammit had emerged. She stopped, hands clasped before her, her pink dress blowing in the wind. It had carried her scent away, allowing her to sneak up on him. InuYasha stared, unable to believe that she was there in front of him. "Kagome . . ."

"I thought about it, about what you'd said," she interrupted, her voice soft, barely discernable. "I thought about a lot of things. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate you because I . . . I've always wanted a family. But as much as I wanted that, I . . . well, I understand how you feel because I know you."

He took a step toward her. She retreated. He stopped. He owed it to her to listen to the rest of what she had come to say. "Go on."

Dammit trotted over to Kagome, leaned against her leg, offering her support with her presence. Kagome petted the animal's head before speaking again. "It's because I know you that I know you wouldn't have said what you said if you hadn't given it a lot of thought. I know you meant it, and I know it hurt you to tell me . . . but . . . I can't remember a time when I wasn't with you, and I can't stand the thought that you won't be there tomorrow, or the next day, or . . ." her voice broke. InuYasha flinched, the quiet sorrow in her tone destroying what was left of his already tattered soul. "Don't you know . . . ?"

"Kagome, you don't—"

"No, I do . . . I do.  You've never tried to be something you weren't, and you've never, ever lied to me.  InuYasha . . . I . . ."

The quiet pleading in her expression brought him to his knees. He dropped before her, reached out for her, arms around her hips as he buried his face in her stomach. Her arms wrapped his head, cradled him to her. The hot tears that he'd wished for all day poked at his eyes, blurred his vision. He tried to blink them back. They dampened the front of her dress.

She held him that way for a long time. He didn't make a sound. If he opened his mouth—if he gave into the desire to give any sort of voice to his emotion—he'd shatter . . . But Kagome understood. She always understood.

Finally, she pushed on his shoulders, pushed him back just enough that she could kneel down before him. She kissed his forehead, smoothed the hair off his face, wiped his tears. He tried to smile for her. She grimaced, and he knew he'd failed.

"I'm sorry," he said, closing his eyes against her gentle smile that, for reasons he didn't want to think about, made him feel even worse.

"Don't be sorry," she countered. "There never were any guarantees."

"I want to give you everything, and if I thought I could—"

"I know. It's okay. I've never wanted you to be anything that you're not." He stared at her for a long moment, wondering what it was that he had done right in his life to deserve to have her near. "I'd never ask you do to something you can't. You must know that."

"Are you sure? I really can't ask you to do that."

"If the alternative is being without you, InuYasha . . . And you're not asking. I'm offering."

He reached out, tracing her jaw with the tip of his claw as she closed her eyes. Just for a moment, though, he could feel her upset. The voice in his mind told him he was being selfish, stubborn, holding onto her because he couldn't stand to let her go, that his unwillingness to contemplate Kagome's own wishes was going to destroy them both.

The voice in his mind was that of a child.