InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Purity ❯ Waking from a Dream ( Chapter 38 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

"You're not going over to InuYasha's house this evening?" Mrs. Higurashi asked as Kagome rinsed out the sink and slipped the bottle of cleanser into the cupboard below.

"Um, no. Yuki, Eri, and Ayumi were coming over. You know, one last girls' night before they head off to the university," Kagome replied as she rinsed out the sponge.

"Well, it's rather nice to have you home for once." She wiped off the table then glanced over her shoulder at her daughter. "I trust InuYasha will be over later, then, too?"

Kagome's hands stilled in her work. Her mother didn't miss her hesitation. "He didn't say, but yes, I think so . . ."

"Kagome . . . is something bothering you?"

Kagome shot her mother a quick glance. Mrs. Higurashi was paying extra attention to a spot on the table. Kagome sighed then smiled slightly. Ever since her mother had slipped the journal into her bag before the trip to the beach with InuYasha, Kagome had felt almost as though her mother was becoming more of a friend than an authority figure in her life. It was a subtle shift, yet one that she welcomed. Most mornings when she stayed at the shrine, she'd carefully extricate herself from InuYasha's arms and creep out of the room so that she could sit with her mother and sip tea while they talked about anything and everything.

She took heart from her mother's constant optimism, and, she realized, she could benefit from it now, as well. "There's something on his mind, and he doesn't want to tell me what it is." Mrs. Higurashi laughed softly. Kagome frowned. "What's funny about that?"

Mrs. Higurashi hugged Kagome quickly and dropped her cleaning sponge into the sink. "Kagome, like women, men sometimes have secrets, too. Trust him. He'll tell you when he's ready."

Kagome sighed. "That's what I thought . . ." She watched absently as Mrs. Higurashi dug around in the refrigerator, pulling out items to make up a snack platter for Kagome's friends. InuYasha's words echoed through her mind again. `Because, for me, it's got to be forever with you. I wanted you to know.' She smiled then bit her lip thoughtfully. "He did say something . . ."

Mrs. Higurashi glanced up from the tray preparations. "What's that?"

Sinking down at the table, Kagome grabbed a carrot and idly chewed it before gathering the courage to tell her mom. "He said that he wanted us to be `forever'. I'm just not sure exactly what he meant."

"You mean, he asked you to marry him?"

Kagome made a face. "Well, no."

Mrs. Higurashi leveled a no-nonsense look at her daughter. "Exactly what did he say?"

"He said that for us it would be forever, and that he wanted me to know that."

Mrs. Higurashi crossed her arms over her chest and smiled. "Dear, have you ever considered that InuYasha may not know about marriage? He is a hanyou, right? Maybe their rituals are different."

"Maybe." She sighed again. "He, uh, has mentioned my moving in with him."

"And how do you feel about that?"

Kagome could appreciate the restraint her mother showed. More than likely, Mrs. Higurashi was ready to blow a gasket at the idea of Kagome moving in with InuYasha, as if she wasn't already with him most of the time most every day. "Maybe," she admitted, "if the time is ever right. Right now, though . . ." She shook her head. "I don't want to rush anything."

Mrs. Higurashi looked very relieved. "I'm glad you're such a level-headed girl, Kagome. Have I told you that lately?"

Memories of her feelings whenever InuYasha kissed her, or even looked at her, really, assailed her. She had a feeling that Mrs. Higurashi wouldn't be so impressed with her daughter if she knew about that . . .

"You'll know when the time's right, I'm certain, and I trust you to make decisions on your own."

Kagome sighed. She hoped that her mother was right. Her judgment was always a little clouded whenever InuYasha was near. She grinned though and was stopped from replying, though, when the doorbell rang. She hopped up and kissed her mother's cheek. "Can we finish this talk later?"

Mrs. Higurashi turned back to her work. "Of course, Kagome. Now answer that because I'm sure it's for you!"

Kagome ducked out of the room and ran for the door.


"I can't believe you're not coming to the university with us," Eri remarked with a disappointed sigh.

Kagome shrugged. "I've registered to take a few classes here."

Yuka shook her head. "That's not the same."

"It's Izayoi-sensei, isn't it?" Ayumi asked quietly, averting her gaze and picking at an imaginary bit of fluff on her skirt. "He won't let you go, will he?"

"What do you mean, he won't let me go? InuYasha wouldn't stop me."

Her friends exchanged knowing glances while Kagome fought back her irritation. Ayumi nudged Eri. Eri made a face. "Houjou-kun said Izayoi-sensei was manhandling you outside the mall."

"He wasn't!" Kagome insisted, waving off her friends' concern. "InuYasha just doesn't like Houjou-kun, that's all, and can you really blame him? Houjou-kun doesn't know when to lay off the `my woman' crap."

The girls didn't look convinced. Kagome rolled her eyes. "Let's talk about something else, okay?"

"What the hell are you doing here, Kagome?"

Her back stiffened at the angry tone in InuYasha's voice. She turned to stare at the irritated hanyou. "InuYasha? I told you this morning that my friends were coming over for a girls' night."

"Keh! Maybe you ought to wake me up before you tell me something like that," he remarked, still looking quite disgruntled. "I got up this morning, and you were gone."

"I had things to do earlier," she explained as she stood. "Anyway, you looked like you were sleeping peacefully. I didn't have the heart to wake you."

He smiled faintly at her words. "I just . . . like waking up with you," he admitted, apparently forgetting that Kagome's friends were still sitting on the floor with varying degrees of shocked expressions.

Kagome grinned and leaned up to kiss his cheek. "I'm going to go get the snacks," she explained. "Be right back."

'Was it really a good idea to leave InuYasha alone with the girls?' her conscience demanded as she took the stairs, two at a time, in her haste to escape the situation in her room.

She winced but kept moving.  'Maybe . . . Maybe not . . .'

Even so, it didn't take her long to retrieve the tray of vegetables that her mother had prepared earlier.

'The girls are probably raking the poor guy over the coals, you know—no thanks to Houjou-kun . . .'

She made a face.  If she saw that particular person any time in the near future, she had a few choice things she'd like to say to him . . . 'That guy . . . This is entirely his fault, and if the girls hate InuYasha, then Houjou-kun's going to hear it from me . . .'

To her surprise, however, she was greeted by her friends' disapproving stare when she backed into the room seconds later.  InuYasha sat on the floor against the far wall with his arms folded together and a mulish expression on his face. Kagome could only assume that whatever had been said while she was gone hadn't been good. "Snacks," she said, sitting down the tray, striving for a much brighter tone of voice than she was feeling, all things considered.

"What's going on between the two of you?" Yuka questioned casually—too casually—as she picked through the celery.

`Why do I feel like I missed something?' Kagome asked herself, eyeing her friends' carefully averted faces. "What do you mean?"

"You're just not the kind to sleep at some guy's house, is all," Ayumi remarked.

"You dated Houjou-kun for two years and never even kissed him," Eri added.

Before she got a chance to form a reply, though, InuYasha shot forward, planting himself between Kagome and her friends. "What are you implying?" he demanded, his voice a harsh growl.

"It's not like that!" Kagome insisted, pushing herself up on her knees to see over InuYasha's shoulder. "Nothing's going on!"

The girls looked confused.

"I don't think I like what they're saying about you, Kagome," he said slowly.

She rubbed his back idly, trying to soothe him. "It's okay. They're not insulting me."

He turned to stare at her, those lazy amber eyes blinking, shining. Kagome grinned as her heart beat increased. He reached over and smoothed back her hair.

Suddenly, Eri clapped her hands, hopping up and down in excitement. The others looked at her as though she'd lost her mind. "My sister's getting married!"

The girls screamed. Kagome hopped up to hug Eri as InuYasha scooted out of the way. "When are they getting married?" Yuka asked.

Eri waved her hands to quiet the girls. "They want to wait till spring. There's always such lovely weather then for weddings!"

The girls let a collective sigh. Yuka looked dreamy as she asked, "Is it going to be a big wedding?"

"Of course it is," Ayumi put in. "All girls want a huge wedding!"

Kagome shook her head slowly, "Not all girls. I think I'd rather just have something small, here at the shrine, with just family and close friends."

Her friends looked appalled at the very idea of such a small gathering. "Oh, Kagome-chan! You're kidding!"

She frowned. "I'm not! Besides, if it was too big I'd be worried about something going wrong instead of concentrating on what's actually happening."

Eri grabbed a carrot. "You'll change your mind, I'm sure . . ."

Kagome stifled a sigh and turned to glance at InuYasha. He had an odd expression on his face. He looked duly perplexed, and she sank down next to him. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head slowly, turning his puzzled expression on her. "What's that mean?"

Ayumi frowned, staring at InuYasha as though she was trying to decide whether or not he was joking. "You don't know what getting married is?"

Again, he shook his head, looking even more irritated. "I know what it is," he said with a snort. "I just hadn't really thought about it much."

Yuka giggled. "Well, of course not, unless you and Kagome-chan—" She stopped laughing and stared thoughtfully at InuYasha. "Have you been thinking about marriage?"

"Anyone we know?" Eri asked with a devilish smile.

"Look at the time!" Kagome said loudly, making a show of checking her watch. "Ayumi, isn't your mom coming to pick you guys up?"

Ayumi checked her watch and hopped up. "You're right! I've had such a good time, Kagome! We'll have to do this again when we're between classes!"

Kagome walked her friends to the door and wished them good luck with their studies. With a sigh of relief, she turned to go back inside. InuYasha stepped out onto the porch, pulling the door closed behind him. "You want to stay here tonight?"

She smiled, hands clasped before her, head tilted to the side. She scooted her toe back and forth almost bashfully, but her eyes were bright when she dared to look up at him. "It doesn't really matter to me, as long as I'm with you."


InuY asha stared out the window at the setting sun. The skies, painted in the mournful colors of early evening, settled over him with a distinct melancholy. They'd returned to his house shortly after her friends had left, and since then, he had smiled for her, laughed with her, and yet he knew that she could feel his underlying turmoil just beneath the surface, like a beast fighting to expose itself to the world.

`The answer is always the same,' he thought dully. `It doesn't matter how many times I try to look at it differently, I can't . . . not even for Kagome.'

"It's not going to go away if you don't talk about it," she remarked softly, a forced optimism in her tone, a gentleness that made him cringe. She hugged her knees as she turned on the sofa to offer him her full attention.

InuYasha shook himself, as though he had forgotten that she was even there. He hadn't, not by a long shot. How could he do that when the one thing that troubled him involved her, too? Without a word, he turned slightly though his eyes remained averted. "Tell me what you want, Kagome," he said, his voice soft, searching.

His question confused her. She shook her head slowly and let her chin rest on her knees. "What do you mean?"

He had to tell her. He didn't have a right to keep it from her. There was too much at stake, things that InuYasha hadn't even thought of until recently, things that he wasn't sure he could bear. On the one hand, the idea of hurting her, of seeing her sadness and of knowing that he was the cause had the power to destroy him. On the other hand, the idea of what the alternative could be . . . He closed his eyes, unable to even think of what the alternative had the power to do.

And yet it wasn't his decision that worried him. As he shifted his gaze out of the corner of his eye to watch the woman who sat in silent confusion, his heart broke just a little more. `I can't ask this of her . . . It's not fair to her, and I . . .' The voice in his mind had been right days ago when it had scoffed at him. Could he really ask her to sacrifice anything more for him? `What if she can't do it?' InuYasha steeled himself as the edges of panic curled over his mind. If she couldn't accept it . . . `I'll . . . I'll let her go.'

"I didn't tell you everything," he admitted in the quiet. He could hear the clock on the mantle ticking. The sound thumped like a hammer in his head. "There's something else you need to know."

Kagome's chin rose slightly, her expression clouding over even more, as though a sense of foreboding was taking shape in her mind. He flinched and shifted his gaze back out the window. "Okay."

`Just say it, baka! Stop avoiding it and just say it! She'll react the same no matter when you say it, so you might as well just spit it out.' He sighed. "I don't want pups."

He could sense her shock without seeing her face, could smell the swing in her emotions almost better than he could if he looked at her. He heard her shift her position. Then she choked out an incredulous laugh. "Well, no, not right away," she agreed. "We are still young."

He swallowed hard, balling his hands into fists as though trying to hold onto his own resolve. Shaking his head slowly, he could sense her worry rising. "I mean, we can't have children. Ever."

"This is the modern era, InuYasha. Doctors work minor miracles all the time. Surely we could—"

He finally turned his head, pinning her with a pleading stare, one meant to beg her to understand, to know what it was that he was feeling, the fact that simply telling her this much was obliterating his heart. "No, Kagome . . . We could have children. There's two times every lunar cycle that it's possible. On the night of the new moon, when I turn human, you'd have a human child. But on the night of the full moon . . . The child would be hanyou, like me."

She pondered that for a moment then nodded slowly, like something made sense at last.  "The full moon . . . Is that why you were acting so strange the other night?"

He sighed. "I think so. It's not important. Do you understand? I don't want children. Ever."

She whimpered softly, the back of her hand pressed to her mouth. She shook her head slowly, as though she didn't believe what he was saying. He flinched, her pain a tangible thing. Crossing the floor, he dropped to his knees beside her, begging her to understand. Tears stood in her eyes but they didn't fall. He reached for her hand but couldn't bring himself to touch her. "Kagome, listen to me . . . It's not that I don't want children. I just . . . because I . . . But you know what my childhood was like . . . I can't . . . "

It shot to the fore with a vindictiveness that cut him deep. He was that child, all over again, the one who no one wanted. Humans despised him for being half-youkai. Youkai loathed him because he was weak, because he possessed human blood. Being alone, with no one and with nothing . . . This was the only legacy he could offer his own children. It was something that he couldn't do.

Kagome reached out to him, brushed his hair out of his face, tried to rub his ear. He pulled away and shoved himself to his feet. He tried to speak but his voice was caught behind a fist-sized lump that he couldn't swallow. Every second that she stared at him, every moment that she stubbornly stood by him, because of the promise she'd made to him so long ago . . . For her sake alone, he forced himself to whisper, "I think you should go."

She got up slowly. He didn't face her. He didn't need to. He could hear her. "InuYasha?"

Her hand on his arm shot an aching hurt straight through him. He'd lost her. He could feel it. Why wouldn't she leave? "I won't hold you to your promise," he said softly, broken, defeated. "Go home."

She didn't move as the clock ticked so slowly. He heard her soft sigh, her muffled sob. He squeezed his eyes closed as another wound opened up somewhere deep inside, a wound that no one would ever see.

It wasn't until he heard the front door close softly that he whirled around.

She was gone.


Kago me walked home slowly, as though her legs refused to run. She felt numb, felt nothing, as though InuYasha's words hadn't permeated her mind.

He hadn't really wanted her to leave, had he?

`Tell me what you want, Kagome.'

She choked back a sob but the tears wouldn't come. What did she want? He had to ask her that?

`InuYasha.'

It had always been InuYasha. She couldn't remember a time when he hadn't been her world, her universe.

But what he had told her . . . It was something that she'd always wanted, ever since she could remember. A family of her own, children of her own . . .

He offered her half of that. He offered her himself. She shook her head and slowly sank down on the ground beneath the canopy of a gnarled old tree. Could she be happy with a portion of that dream?

Yet could she stand to be without him? Could she bear not to be with him?

A sob welled up in her throat, creating an ache that wouldn't go away. Which hurt worse? InuYasha's words? Or that he had so readily shoved her away, believing the worst in her? Still, she couldn't answer that, either.

For so long he'd been part of her, a part that she'd sooner die than give up. Worse than having the memories of everything coming back to her, worse than the fear of forgetting it all over again, this one ache grew steadily worse, rose up in her. Her heart swelled, larger and larger, and then she could feel the pieces crumbling away as the moon in her dream crumbled to dust. He'd almost let her touch that moon. He'd almost managed to propel her to heaven. The whisper of the birds' wings, the secrets that they knew, the magic of flight, the taunting of the moon. `You'll never reach me, Kagome. How dare a human hope to touch something so perfect, something so rare . . .'

A soft whine, a cold nose nudged at her hand. Kagome gasped, her hot, dry eyes landing on the white dog. She started to panic, tried to push away from the animal. Dammit stepped closer, and to Kagome's amazement, she laid her head carefully on her shoulder. `Hugging me,' Kagome realized. That one simple gesture, that one act from this dog . . .

Kagome clung to the dog, sobbed into the thick white fur that had become a stunning, glossy coat. She cried as though her heart was breaking, as though she would never be able to cry again. Dammit whined then threw back her head and howled, as though she was crying, too.

In a treetop not far away, a hanyou sat, watching. Golden eyes sad, lonely, awash with tears that couldn't fall. He'd broken her heart, but he'd broken his own, as well.