InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Remnants of the Spider ❯ Admissions and Discovery ( Chapter 17 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Lady Sianna 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama / Adventure / Action | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 10.19.2009 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 325 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Drama / Adventure / Action | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 10.19.2009 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 325 | Status: Work In Progress
Remnants of the Spider
Admissions and Discovery
_____________________________________________________________ ___________
The sight of the small wooden box in the younger miko’s hand stole a gasp from her parched lips and Kaede realized her apparent folly. She had been so terribly tired last night, and in her fatigue, she had obviously fallen asleep before she could place the box out of the young woman’s view.
“When were you going to tell me?” the young priestess asked, a hint of accusation lining her tone.
For a moment, Kaede found herself trapped in Kagome’s knowing gaze. She was not ready to have this conversation, so she took her one and only out. With difficulty, she looked away from her and made a show of looking around the room. “Where are Rin and Shippou?”
The young miko narrowed her eyes further. Kaede was clearly trying to distract her, but it was NOT going to work! “I sent them to collect herbs. Ah-Un is watching over them.” she bit out through clenched teeth. “When… were you… going …to tell me?” each word was stressed with quiet vehemence, telling Kaede with certainty that Kagome was not to be deterred.
She wasn’t sure why, nor did she care at this moment, but Kagome was pissed. She felt as if her mentor had betrayed her, yet she wasn’t sure if it was because of the woman’s refusal to disclose the state of her health, or if it was because of the very fact that she had taken ill. Kaede never got sick. She wasn’t supposed to. She wasn’t supposed to die. It wasn’t right! It wasn’t supposed to happen like that!
A quiet sigh distracted her from her distressed and jumbled thoughts, and Kagome focused on the old miko once again. Her shoulders had slumped in defeat, and her single eye stared sightlessly at the floor. “Come here child.” she heard the woman ask quietly, but the younger miko did not answer. ‘NO!’ she barked in the silence of her mind. She didn’t want to go to her, because then she might loose the iron grip she currently held on her anger. She wanted to be angry, because somehow it was easier. She wanted to yell, and scream and blurt out a string of curses that would have even Inuyasha shrinking away in fear. Kagome stared at her friend and mentor. Kaede had always been a petite woman, but somehow she looked even smaller than usual. She had lost so much weight, and the sunlight filtering in through the adjacent window only served to highlight the unhealthy yellow hue that tinged her skin. She looked so fragile, so… weak; and it was wrong, wrong, WRONG!! Kaede was not supposed to be weak! She had seen wars and famines, and had faced down demons without hesitation or fear. This wasn’t right, and Kagome wanted to be angry, wanted to hate her for succumbing to the disease, wanted to curse her for showing her weakness, wanted to… wrap herself around the woman’s frail form and never ever let go.
The young miko felt the sting of tears, but shut her eyes tightly to fight them off. After a long moment, she pulled herself to her feet and made her way to Kaede’s side. Sitting across from her, the young priestess pulled herself together as best she could. “How long have you known?” she asked quietly.
“Quite some time now.” the elder priestess replied readily. “I am fairly certain that the ailment is the same one which ended the life of mine, and Kikyou’s father.”
Kagome bit back a sob. “W-what are you going to do? The White Willow bark is okay for the pain, but it’s not… it’s not going to cure you. I mean you can’t just...”
“Kagome.” she called out quietly, effectively silencing the younger woman.
Though she had said nothing more than her name, Kagome could already feel the cold and unwelcome mantle of understanding settling heavily upon her. She could read it in the slope of the woman’s shoulders, hear it in the tone of her voice and see it in the glassy gaze of her eye. Her brows drew together. “Kaede no! You can’t!” she cried, the end of her composure drawing perilously close. But she knew. She knew what was going to happen and she knew that there was nothing either of them could do to stop it, but denial was easier, more palatable. There was a part of her mind that kept telling her if she just refused to accept it then everything would be okay, and if she could get Kaede to deny it with her, then all the better.
“Kagome please.” she asked patiently.
“Maybe… maybe I can use my powers to heal you.”
“Kagome no.”
“How do you know?! It might work!” she begged, her voice was rising, and the old miko could hear the desperation in her tone. “You won’t even let me try?! You didn’t even tell me you were sick and now you’re just going to sit there and give up on me?! You HAVE to let me try!!! You owe me that much!” Her final thread of control snapped almost audibly, and the tears began to flow.
Kaede grabbed Kagome’s trembling hands, and locked an unyielding gaze on her. “Kagome NO!” she said sternly. “Ye need to stop this and listen to me!” her voice was quiet, but brooked no room for argument.
Helplessly locked in her gaze, the younger miko’s quaking subsided slightly, but her tears continued to flow. After a long pause, she finally nodded her agreement. Kaede returned her nod, and gently pulled the younger woman into her arms. Kagome held on as if her mentor would disappear if she let go, and the elder woman returned her embrace with equal fervor.
Attempting to blink away her tears Kagome sent a prayer to the gods to give her strength. She didn’t want to break down completely, she couldn’t! Not now at least. ‘Just listen to her.’ she told herself trying to calm down. ‘She’s still breathing. She’s alive. She’s still here with me.’ Then, as if to prove it to herself, she splayed her hand across the woman’s back to feel the even rise and fall of each intake of air.
She didn’t know how long they sat like that, but at some point she had apparently changed position. She was now lying on her side facing the wall on the other side of the room, her head resting in the elder miko’s lap. Kaede calmly stroked the girl’s hair as she fought off her own melancholy. Each listened to the other breathe for several moments before Kaede began to speak. “Ye must be reasonable about this Kagome. This is difficult for me as well, but understand that I am an old woman, and I am but a mere human. Ye must not waste your powers on one such as myself. Already I have lived longer than most in these times of war and famine, and I will not dishonor the gift the gods have granted me by attempting to take more time than I am due. Moreover, this ailment is not susceptible to such powers.”
“But how do you…?” Kagome began.
“I loved my father very much, child. Ye can imagine how I came to that understanding.”
“Oh.” the young woman said sadly. It must have been horrible to watch her father become sick and die a slow and painful death. It must have been that much worse to know that she couldn’t do anything to stop it. And just as the thought passed through her mind, Kagome realized something that she hadn’t considered before. ‘She knows exactly how I feel.’
The young miko felt the woman shift her weight, and realized that she had moved to lean against the wall. She closed her eyes allowing silent tears to slip across her face to soak into the fabric of Kaede’s white sleeping kimono. The woman again began to stroke her thick mane of hair and the two settled into silence.
“Allow me to tell ye a story.” Kaede said suddenly. Kagome suspected that she would continue whether she agreed or not, but she nodded against the miko’s knee anyway.
“For many years my father was the only family I had. I never knew my mother for she died giving birth to me, and ye already know my sister’s tragic tale. As I understand it, Mother had preceded Kikyou as high priestess of this village, just as her mother had before her. After her death, my sister was forced to take on many great responsibilities for her young age. Though she was only my sister, she cared for me as a mother would. She trained me, cared for and protected me. She kept me by her side almost constantly. During my childhood I did not realize it, but as I grew older and wiser, I came to the understanding that my father held a level of resentment toward me. I believe he blamed me for my mother’s death, and once I understood that, I spent my entire life attempting to garner his acceptance and approval even at the sacrifice of…”
The old miko trailed off as memories of the past surfaced in her mind. She took a deep breath and exhaled very slowly before she spoke again. “Kagome, have ye ever considered why I have lived so long?”
A thoughtful frown formed on Kagome’s face. “No.” she answered quietly. “I guess I’ve never really considered it.” But now that she thought about it, it seemed that most people of this time didn’t tend to live as long as she had. In fact, the only human she had ever met in this era that appeared to be even older than Kaede, was… Jinenji’s mother. Her frown deepened slightly. She wasn’t sure why, but that little tidbit of information seemed significant somehow.
“The gods are infinitely wise,” said the elder priestess, drawing Kagome from her thoughts. “There is much strife between humans and demons. I do not believe it was meant to be that way.”
“Okay, but what does that have to do with…?”
“Shhh.” the miko ordered gently. She absently brushed Kagome’s hair away from her face and gently tucked it behind her ear before resting her hand carefully on the crown of her head. “What I am about to tell ye, I have never breathed to another living soul. I have great trust in ye Kagome, that what I say shall remain between us for as long as I live.”
The young miko covered her mouth, and bit back a sob. She nodded her acquiescence, but didn’t dare open her mouth to speak.
Kaede stroked her hair again before continuing. “The path I was to walk in this life was not always clear to me, Kagome. After the death of my sister, my father was the only one left to care for me. He was a priest, and much of his time was spent tending the duties that came with his title and power. I suppose he did the best he could, but I have often wished the relationship between us could have been closer. After he died, I was left alone with a heavy mantle of responsibilities. One day a few years after his departure from this world, I met someone. He was handsome and charming and everything a young woman could ever desire in a man. Except…” she trailed off wistfully. “He was not a man.”
Kagome gasped, and turned to look at her. “You mean he was a…”
Kaede closed her eye and nodded. “As I was the priestess of this village, my relationship with him was kept quiet. The people’s acceptance of demons in this community is only recent, and primarily do to the deeds of Inuyasha. And so, we met in secret, mostly at night. After a short time, he fell in love with me, and I with him.” She paused and allowed her mind to summon the image of his handsome face. Toshiro. His name had been Toshiro. In spite of the passage of time, it was a name she could never forget.
“The bonds that can be built between demons and humans are powerful indeed. Most especially if the human happens to be a priestess. I think it is the gods’ way of rewarding those who can overcome their prejudice ways. Though the bond between Toshiro and I was never completed, I was not left unaffected by his feelings for me. The fact that I have lived in good health for all of these years informs me that even though I sent him away, Toshiro loved me still. I suppose I should have expected as such. He was a Crane youkai after all. Knowing what I do now, I realize that I likely would have lived for many more years, so the fact that I have taken ill can only mean that Toshiro has met with an untimely end.”
Kagome frowned up at her. “How can you know that, and what would his death have to do with your illness. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.”
Kaede just smiled. “One day ye will child. This old eye of mine has seen many things, and I am not so naïve as to discount what I have observed, no matter how impossible it may seem.” As she looked down into the young miko’s confused brown eyes, Kaede realized that she had probably been rambling. Still, she felt inclined to share her experiences with the girl.
“My father’s influence reached me even beyond the grave. It is for that reason alone that I parted ways with Toshiro. He had wished for me to become his wife, his mate, but I refused knowing that if my father were alive he would not have approved. I do not bemoan the path I have chosen, for I have performed many good deeds for the people of this village; however, I am not without my regrets. When my father fell ill, I was but thirteen summers. I was the last remaining member of my family, and the only one in this village in possession of spiritual powers. Ye can imagine the responsibility that fell to my shoulders. It was difficult, but I never lamented my fate. I took it as my one and only opportunity to prove my worth to my father. I took up his responsibilities together with Kikyou’s. I killed demons, and performed exorcisms, bandaged the wounds of the villagers, and made medicines each day. I worked tirelessly, doing everything I thought would make him proud of me, but in doing so I did to him the same thing he had done to me. I abandoned him in favor of my work. Years later I would continue to regret such actions, and that, more than anything, is why I sent Toshiro away. I felt undeserving of the happiness I would find in a life with him. So again, I chose the path of duty over love.” she paused and took a deep breath. “I hope that ye consider well the things I have disclosed to ye, Kagome. I had to learn through experience, but ye still have time to choose.”
“Choose what?” asked Kagome, a bit of frustration seeping into her tone.
Kaede blinked slowly before looking at her. “Ye must always follow your heart Kagome, for it will never mislead ye.”
The young miko’s heart skipped at the hauntingly familiar words. Masuyo, the spirit priestess had said almost the exact same thing to her before she sent her back to the land of the living. What did it mean?! Kagome sat up and looked at the elder woman. “Kaede, normally I love a good story, but right now, I’m more concerned about now, about you. Why are you telling me these things?”
Kaede looked at her, and for the briefest of moments, she didn’t look like the sickly old woman she had recently become. Her appearance was that of the sagely elder miko Kagome had met four years ago when she was pulled down the well and brought to a world far removed from the one she had known. “I was… compelled to share these things with ye.” she answered quietly; and as soon as she finished speaking, the moment was gone, and her appearance returned to one of an ailing old woman.
The younger miko stared at her for along time. Finally, she shook her head and refocused her thoughts before she could be distracted further. “Kaede… why, why didn’t you tell me that you were sick? I thought I was your friend. How could you keep something like this from me?”
The old priestess sighed quietly. “I well knew that I would not be able to hold my secret indefinitely. There are too many powerful noses about. Shippou is likely too young to understand, still, I knew I would not be able to hide my secret for long.” she sighed again. “I suppose I simply wanted to hold on for as long as I could.”
Kagome did not like the way that sounded. “What do you mean?” she asked carefully.
“Because of the decisions I made long ago, I was never to have a family of my own, but ye young-ins have been to me precisely that. My reasons for keeping my silence were selfish, really. I know how ye feel for me, Kagome. Rin, Sango, Miroku and Shippou care a great deal for me as well, and though he does not often show it, even Inuyasha. I kept my silence because I was reluctant to replace the love I can see in all of your eyes with grief and sorrow.”
Kagome gasped quietly, but before she could respond, the straw panel flipped open, and Shippou and Rin popped inside. A large basket in his hands; the kit turned a bright smile on her. “We found a lot of herbs Kagome!” he announced proudly. “Rin showed me which ones were herbs and which ones were just weeds.” The girl blushed shyly at his words, a small smile finding her lips.
Unfortunately, the touching display was lost on Kagome, who was now spiraling into the darkness once again. “Kaede…” she trailed off as she fought back tears. “I-I’m so sorry. I…”
“Do not worry yourself, child. Simply promise me that what we have discussed here will remain between the two of us for as long as possible.”
Kagome nodded her agreement. “I umm… I need to leave for a little bit.” she said after a moment. Not giving the other miko a chance to answer, she quickly rose to her feet. “Rin, would you please fix Kaede some Ramen. There’s a few packs left in my bag. You remember how to make it don’t you?”
The girl nodded uncertainly. “Yes, of course.” she said as she stared up at her. “Umm, is something wrong Lady Kagome?”
But Kagome didn’t answer, she couldn’t bear to lie, but she could not tell them the truth either. She kneeled to the floor and wrapped both children in a tight embrace. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” she said after a moment. Then she let them go, stood and quickly exited the hut. As soon as she felt she was out of sight, she ran through the village and headed toward Inuyasha’s forest. She barely made it to the base of the well before she collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. For at least half an hour she cried hysterically, beating her small fists against the ground in her anguish. For probably another twenty minutes she just lied there and whimpered quietly. Finally, she pulled herself up, and leaned her back against the well. She drew her legs close to her body, wrapped her arms around them, and rested her forehead against her knees. She wanted to shut the world out, but the world, or at least one person in the world, would not leave her be.
“Go away!” she cried without looking up, but the presence she detected only drew closer. “Okay, so you were right!” she ground out hoarsely, “Did you come here to gloat!”
“Girl, you will not insult me by insinuating that I would indulge in such a worthless endeavor. I have no such time to waste.”
“Then why are you here?!” she demanded as she looked up at him with puffy red eyes.
Sesshoumaru simply stared at her. That question was one he had posed to himself when he had felt oddly compelled to return to the village. He had finally decided that he was simply curious as to how the confrontation with the old miko had turned out. Still, he wasn’t entirely certain that this was the case. There seemed to be more to it than that, but in this moment he found himself reluctant to consider it further. “I do not have to answer to you.” he finally managed.
Kagome rolled her eyes. She should have expected him to say something like that. “Well, you were right. Kaede didn’t tell us because she didn’t want to watch us mourn for her. I’m so selfish. Now whenever she looks at me…” she trailed off, and a broken whimper escaped her lips. “I took something away from her. Something I can never give back. I didn’t mean to, but I did it anyway, and now… now whenever she looks at me, she won’t see the love I have for her, she’ll only see my sorrow, my grief.”
Though she was not looking at him directly, Kagome could scarcely make out his impassive face. ‘Arrogant uncaring jerk!’ she thought bitterly. “I never should have…”
“Stop it!”
Kagome gasped at his tone, and stared up at him. “Wha--?”
“Miko, do you not see the pointlessness of compounding your own misery by dwelling on that which you cannot change?”
Her brows drew together in a slight frown at his unexpected words. “I… I guess you’re right. It’s just…” she trailed off not really knowing what else to say. “Look, I don’t really expect you to understand what I’m going through right now. She’s still here, but I miss her already. What…” she faltered barely managing to hold back her tears. “What am I going to do once she’s gone?” Having turned her gaze to the ground, Kagome was surprised when her field of vision was suddenly obstructed by white hakama, and a pair of booted feet.
Surprising her further, the demon lord kneeled before her and hooked a clawed finger beneath her chin forcing her to meet his eyes. “I told you to stop that.” Stunned into silence, Kagome just stared at him. “You made a promise to me miko, and I expect you to keep it.”
“Promise?” she repeated quietly. ‘Oh, Rin!’ she remembered suddenly. She had told him that if something were to happen to Kaede, she would care for Rin. At the time though, she didn’t really believe anything would happen to Kaede, but that didn’t make her any less obligated to keep her word.
“Until I am able to find a permanent home for her, Rin is to remain in your care. Once my fortress is completed, she will be permitted to visit as she pleases, but she cannot reside there permanently. The girl requires the guidance of a human female, something this Sesshoumaru clearly cannot provide.”
“I will keep my promise, but that’s not what I meant.”
He removed his fingers from her then, but did not move to stand. “What then?” he asked his voice laced with impatience.
Kagome stared up at him. “I don’t want her to die Sesshoumaru!! I love her!” she ground out almost angrily, a stray tear falling from her eye. He did not respond, simply stared at her with those impenetrable golden eyes. She sighed. “Like I said, I don’t expect YOU to understand.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. After a moment, he rose to his feet in one fluid motion. “You do well to heed my words, woman. Do not dwell on that which you cannot change.” He turned and walked a short distance away. “Have you told the old miko your feelings for her?” he asked without turning around.
Kagome gasped quietly. To say that his question was unexpected was a gross understatement, but after a moment, she managed to answer. “Sh-she already knows. She said…”
“Have you told her?” he cut her off.
Startled, her mouth just hung open for a moment. “No… I don’t suppose I ever have.” she admitted quietly.
“Humph. Then I suggest you do so while you still can.” Then he looked at her over his shoulder. “And do not make assumptions regarding this Sesshoumaru.”
There is more to me than you know.
Though he had not said those final words verbally, Kagome felt them in the way he looked at her. Each one held the gaze of the other for a short time before the call of a distant bird broke the silence. The miko quickly glanced in the direction of the sound. It took only a second, but when she turned back again, Sesshoumaru was gone.
Kagome frowned at the spot where he had stood. She was feeling tired, and confused, and sad. She allowed her thoughts to wander for a long time before her cloudy, grief-stricken mind was able to decipher Sesshoumaru‘s words. ‘His father!’ she realized, slightly horrified by her thoughtless words. ‘He must have been thinking of his father. He loved him. He loved him, and he never said so. I think… I think he must regret it too.’
A strange chill washed over her in that moment as an unexpected comprehension bloomed in her mind. Years ago, Rin had told her the story of how she came to be in Sesshoumaru’s care. While she had been surprised at his willingness to allow a human child to follow him, she had assumed that he did so out of honor and nothing more. Though she was clearly unable to do so, Rin had tried to save him and he simply returned the favor. He allowed her to stay with him because she had nowhere else to go. Now, her preconceived notions about him were completely shattered. With only a few words he had revealed to her that beneath his glacial exterior, and aside from the bonds of honor, Sesshoumaru had real feelings.
He was capable of love.
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Admissions and Discovery
_____________________________________________________________ ___________
The sight of the small wooden box in the younger miko’s hand stole a gasp from her parched lips and Kaede realized her apparent folly. She had been so terribly tired last night, and in her fatigue, she had obviously fallen asleep before she could place the box out of the young woman’s view.
“When were you going to tell me?” the young priestess asked, a hint of accusation lining her tone.
For a moment, Kaede found herself trapped in Kagome’s knowing gaze. She was not ready to have this conversation, so she took her one and only out. With difficulty, she looked away from her and made a show of looking around the room. “Where are Rin and Shippou?”
The young miko narrowed her eyes further. Kaede was clearly trying to distract her, but it was NOT going to work! “I sent them to collect herbs. Ah-Un is watching over them.” she bit out through clenched teeth. “When… were you… going …to tell me?” each word was stressed with quiet vehemence, telling Kaede with certainty that Kagome was not to be deterred.
She wasn’t sure why, nor did she care at this moment, but Kagome was pissed. She felt as if her mentor had betrayed her, yet she wasn’t sure if it was because of the woman’s refusal to disclose the state of her health, or if it was because of the very fact that she had taken ill. Kaede never got sick. She wasn’t supposed to. She wasn’t supposed to die. It wasn’t right! It wasn’t supposed to happen like that!
A quiet sigh distracted her from her distressed and jumbled thoughts, and Kagome focused on the old miko once again. Her shoulders had slumped in defeat, and her single eye stared sightlessly at the floor. “Come here child.” she heard the woman ask quietly, but the younger miko did not answer. ‘NO!’ she barked in the silence of her mind. She didn’t want to go to her, because then she might loose the iron grip she currently held on her anger. She wanted to be angry, because somehow it was easier. She wanted to yell, and scream and blurt out a string of curses that would have even Inuyasha shrinking away in fear. Kagome stared at her friend and mentor. Kaede had always been a petite woman, but somehow she looked even smaller than usual. She had lost so much weight, and the sunlight filtering in through the adjacent window only served to highlight the unhealthy yellow hue that tinged her skin. She looked so fragile, so… weak; and it was wrong, wrong, WRONG!! Kaede was not supposed to be weak! She had seen wars and famines, and had faced down demons without hesitation or fear. This wasn’t right, and Kagome wanted to be angry, wanted to hate her for succumbing to the disease, wanted to curse her for showing her weakness, wanted to… wrap herself around the woman’s frail form and never ever let go.
The young miko felt the sting of tears, but shut her eyes tightly to fight them off. After a long moment, she pulled herself to her feet and made her way to Kaede’s side. Sitting across from her, the young priestess pulled herself together as best she could. “How long have you known?” she asked quietly.
“Quite some time now.” the elder priestess replied readily. “I am fairly certain that the ailment is the same one which ended the life of mine, and Kikyou’s father.”
Kagome bit back a sob. “W-what are you going to do? The White Willow bark is okay for the pain, but it’s not… it’s not going to cure you. I mean you can’t just...”
“Kagome.” she called out quietly, effectively silencing the younger woman.
Though she had said nothing more than her name, Kagome could already feel the cold and unwelcome mantle of understanding settling heavily upon her. She could read it in the slope of the woman’s shoulders, hear it in the tone of her voice and see it in the glassy gaze of her eye. Her brows drew together. “Kaede no! You can’t!” she cried, the end of her composure drawing perilously close. But she knew. She knew what was going to happen and she knew that there was nothing either of them could do to stop it, but denial was easier, more palatable. There was a part of her mind that kept telling her if she just refused to accept it then everything would be okay, and if she could get Kaede to deny it with her, then all the better.
“Kagome please.” she asked patiently.
“Maybe… maybe I can use my powers to heal you.”
“Kagome no.”
“How do you know?! It might work!” she begged, her voice was rising, and the old miko could hear the desperation in her tone. “You won’t even let me try?! You didn’t even tell me you were sick and now you’re just going to sit there and give up on me?! You HAVE to let me try!!! You owe me that much!” Her final thread of control snapped almost audibly, and the tears began to flow.
Kaede grabbed Kagome’s trembling hands, and locked an unyielding gaze on her. “Kagome NO!” she said sternly. “Ye need to stop this and listen to me!” her voice was quiet, but brooked no room for argument.
Helplessly locked in her gaze, the younger miko’s quaking subsided slightly, but her tears continued to flow. After a long pause, she finally nodded her agreement. Kaede returned her nod, and gently pulled the younger woman into her arms. Kagome held on as if her mentor would disappear if she let go, and the elder woman returned her embrace with equal fervor.
Attempting to blink away her tears Kagome sent a prayer to the gods to give her strength. She didn’t want to break down completely, she couldn’t! Not now at least. ‘Just listen to her.’ she told herself trying to calm down. ‘She’s still breathing. She’s alive. She’s still here with me.’ Then, as if to prove it to herself, she splayed her hand across the woman’s back to feel the even rise and fall of each intake of air.
She didn’t know how long they sat like that, but at some point she had apparently changed position. She was now lying on her side facing the wall on the other side of the room, her head resting in the elder miko’s lap. Kaede calmly stroked the girl’s hair as she fought off her own melancholy. Each listened to the other breathe for several moments before Kaede began to speak. “Ye must be reasonable about this Kagome. This is difficult for me as well, but understand that I am an old woman, and I am but a mere human. Ye must not waste your powers on one such as myself. Already I have lived longer than most in these times of war and famine, and I will not dishonor the gift the gods have granted me by attempting to take more time than I am due. Moreover, this ailment is not susceptible to such powers.”
“But how do you…?” Kagome began.
“I loved my father very much, child. Ye can imagine how I came to that understanding.”
“Oh.” the young woman said sadly. It must have been horrible to watch her father become sick and die a slow and painful death. It must have been that much worse to know that she couldn’t do anything to stop it. And just as the thought passed through her mind, Kagome realized something that she hadn’t considered before. ‘She knows exactly how I feel.’
The young miko felt the woman shift her weight, and realized that she had moved to lean against the wall. She closed her eyes allowing silent tears to slip across her face to soak into the fabric of Kaede’s white sleeping kimono. The woman again began to stroke her thick mane of hair and the two settled into silence.
“Allow me to tell ye a story.” Kaede said suddenly. Kagome suspected that she would continue whether she agreed or not, but she nodded against the miko’s knee anyway.
“For many years my father was the only family I had. I never knew my mother for she died giving birth to me, and ye already know my sister’s tragic tale. As I understand it, Mother had preceded Kikyou as high priestess of this village, just as her mother had before her. After her death, my sister was forced to take on many great responsibilities for her young age. Though she was only my sister, she cared for me as a mother would. She trained me, cared for and protected me. She kept me by her side almost constantly. During my childhood I did not realize it, but as I grew older and wiser, I came to the understanding that my father held a level of resentment toward me. I believe he blamed me for my mother’s death, and once I understood that, I spent my entire life attempting to garner his acceptance and approval even at the sacrifice of…”
The old miko trailed off as memories of the past surfaced in her mind. She took a deep breath and exhaled very slowly before she spoke again. “Kagome, have ye ever considered why I have lived so long?”
A thoughtful frown formed on Kagome’s face. “No.” she answered quietly. “I guess I’ve never really considered it.” But now that she thought about it, it seemed that most people of this time didn’t tend to live as long as she had. In fact, the only human she had ever met in this era that appeared to be even older than Kaede, was… Jinenji’s mother. Her frown deepened slightly. She wasn’t sure why, but that little tidbit of information seemed significant somehow.
“The gods are infinitely wise,” said the elder priestess, drawing Kagome from her thoughts. “There is much strife between humans and demons. I do not believe it was meant to be that way.”
“Okay, but what does that have to do with…?”
“Shhh.” the miko ordered gently. She absently brushed Kagome’s hair away from her face and gently tucked it behind her ear before resting her hand carefully on the crown of her head. “What I am about to tell ye, I have never breathed to another living soul. I have great trust in ye Kagome, that what I say shall remain between us for as long as I live.”
The young miko covered her mouth, and bit back a sob. She nodded her acquiescence, but didn’t dare open her mouth to speak.
Kaede stroked her hair again before continuing. “The path I was to walk in this life was not always clear to me, Kagome. After the death of my sister, my father was the only one left to care for me. He was a priest, and much of his time was spent tending the duties that came with his title and power. I suppose he did the best he could, but I have often wished the relationship between us could have been closer. After he died, I was left alone with a heavy mantle of responsibilities. One day a few years after his departure from this world, I met someone. He was handsome and charming and everything a young woman could ever desire in a man. Except…” she trailed off wistfully. “He was not a man.”
Kagome gasped, and turned to look at her. “You mean he was a…”
Kaede closed her eye and nodded. “As I was the priestess of this village, my relationship with him was kept quiet. The people’s acceptance of demons in this community is only recent, and primarily do to the deeds of Inuyasha. And so, we met in secret, mostly at night. After a short time, he fell in love with me, and I with him.” She paused and allowed her mind to summon the image of his handsome face. Toshiro. His name had been Toshiro. In spite of the passage of time, it was a name she could never forget.
“The bonds that can be built between demons and humans are powerful indeed. Most especially if the human happens to be a priestess. I think it is the gods’ way of rewarding those who can overcome their prejudice ways. Though the bond between Toshiro and I was never completed, I was not left unaffected by his feelings for me. The fact that I have lived in good health for all of these years informs me that even though I sent him away, Toshiro loved me still. I suppose I should have expected as such. He was a Crane youkai after all. Knowing what I do now, I realize that I likely would have lived for many more years, so the fact that I have taken ill can only mean that Toshiro has met with an untimely end.”
Kagome frowned up at her. “How can you know that, and what would his death have to do with your illness. I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.”
Kaede just smiled. “One day ye will child. This old eye of mine has seen many things, and I am not so naïve as to discount what I have observed, no matter how impossible it may seem.” As she looked down into the young miko’s confused brown eyes, Kaede realized that she had probably been rambling. Still, she felt inclined to share her experiences with the girl.
“My father’s influence reached me even beyond the grave. It is for that reason alone that I parted ways with Toshiro. He had wished for me to become his wife, his mate, but I refused knowing that if my father were alive he would not have approved. I do not bemoan the path I have chosen, for I have performed many good deeds for the people of this village; however, I am not without my regrets. When my father fell ill, I was but thirteen summers. I was the last remaining member of my family, and the only one in this village in possession of spiritual powers. Ye can imagine the responsibility that fell to my shoulders. It was difficult, but I never lamented my fate. I took it as my one and only opportunity to prove my worth to my father. I took up his responsibilities together with Kikyou’s. I killed demons, and performed exorcisms, bandaged the wounds of the villagers, and made medicines each day. I worked tirelessly, doing everything I thought would make him proud of me, but in doing so I did to him the same thing he had done to me. I abandoned him in favor of my work. Years later I would continue to regret such actions, and that, more than anything, is why I sent Toshiro away. I felt undeserving of the happiness I would find in a life with him. So again, I chose the path of duty over love.” she paused and took a deep breath. “I hope that ye consider well the things I have disclosed to ye, Kagome. I had to learn through experience, but ye still have time to choose.”
“Choose what?” asked Kagome, a bit of frustration seeping into her tone.
Kaede blinked slowly before looking at her. “Ye must always follow your heart Kagome, for it will never mislead ye.”
The young miko’s heart skipped at the hauntingly familiar words. Masuyo, the spirit priestess had said almost the exact same thing to her before she sent her back to the land of the living. What did it mean?! Kagome sat up and looked at the elder woman. “Kaede, normally I love a good story, but right now, I’m more concerned about now, about you. Why are you telling me these things?”
Kaede looked at her, and for the briefest of moments, she didn’t look like the sickly old woman she had recently become. Her appearance was that of the sagely elder miko Kagome had met four years ago when she was pulled down the well and brought to a world far removed from the one she had known. “I was… compelled to share these things with ye.” she answered quietly; and as soon as she finished speaking, the moment was gone, and her appearance returned to one of an ailing old woman.
The younger miko stared at her for along time. Finally, she shook her head and refocused her thoughts before she could be distracted further. “Kaede… why, why didn’t you tell me that you were sick? I thought I was your friend. How could you keep something like this from me?”
The old priestess sighed quietly. “I well knew that I would not be able to hold my secret indefinitely. There are too many powerful noses about. Shippou is likely too young to understand, still, I knew I would not be able to hide my secret for long.” she sighed again. “I suppose I simply wanted to hold on for as long as I could.”
Kagome did not like the way that sounded. “What do you mean?” she asked carefully.
“Because of the decisions I made long ago, I was never to have a family of my own, but ye young-ins have been to me precisely that. My reasons for keeping my silence were selfish, really. I know how ye feel for me, Kagome. Rin, Sango, Miroku and Shippou care a great deal for me as well, and though he does not often show it, even Inuyasha. I kept my silence because I was reluctant to replace the love I can see in all of your eyes with grief and sorrow.”
Kagome gasped quietly, but before she could respond, the straw panel flipped open, and Shippou and Rin popped inside. A large basket in his hands; the kit turned a bright smile on her. “We found a lot of herbs Kagome!” he announced proudly. “Rin showed me which ones were herbs and which ones were just weeds.” The girl blushed shyly at his words, a small smile finding her lips.
Unfortunately, the touching display was lost on Kagome, who was now spiraling into the darkness once again. “Kaede…” she trailed off as she fought back tears. “I-I’m so sorry. I…”
“Do not worry yourself, child. Simply promise me that what we have discussed here will remain between the two of us for as long as possible.”
Kagome nodded her agreement. “I umm… I need to leave for a little bit.” she said after a moment. Not giving the other miko a chance to answer, she quickly rose to her feet. “Rin, would you please fix Kaede some Ramen. There’s a few packs left in my bag. You remember how to make it don’t you?”
The girl nodded uncertainly. “Yes, of course.” she said as she stared up at her. “Umm, is something wrong Lady Kagome?”
But Kagome didn’t answer, she couldn’t bear to lie, but she could not tell them the truth either. She kneeled to the floor and wrapped both children in a tight embrace. “I’ll be back in a little bit.” she said after a moment. Then she let them go, stood and quickly exited the hut. As soon as she felt she was out of sight, she ran through the village and headed toward Inuyasha’s forest. She barely made it to the base of the well before she collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. For at least half an hour she cried hysterically, beating her small fists against the ground in her anguish. For probably another twenty minutes she just lied there and whimpered quietly. Finally, she pulled herself up, and leaned her back against the well. She drew her legs close to her body, wrapped her arms around them, and rested her forehead against her knees. She wanted to shut the world out, but the world, or at least one person in the world, would not leave her be.
“Go away!” she cried without looking up, but the presence she detected only drew closer. “Okay, so you were right!” she ground out hoarsely, “Did you come here to gloat!”
“Girl, you will not insult me by insinuating that I would indulge in such a worthless endeavor. I have no such time to waste.”
“Then why are you here?!” she demanded as she looked up at him with puffy red eyes.
Sesshoumaru simply stared at her. That question was one he had posed to himself when he had felt oddly compelled to return to the village. He had finally decided that he was simply curious as to how the confrontation with the old miko had turned out. Still, he wasn’t entirely certain that this was the case. There seemed to be more to it than that, but in this moment he found himself reluctant to consider it further. “I do not have to answer to you.” he finally managed.
Kagome rolled her eyes. She should have expected him to say something like that. “Well, you were right. Kaede didn’t tell us because she didn’t want to watch us mourn for her. I’m so selfish. Now whenever she looks at me…” she trailed off, and a broken whimper escaped her lips. “I took something away from her. Something I can never give back. I didn’t mean to, but I did it anyway, and now… now whenever she looks at me, she won’t see the love I have for her, she’ll only see my sorrow, my grief.”
Though she was not looking at him directly, Kagome could scarcely make out his impassive face. ‘Arrogant uncaring jerk!’ she thought bitterly. “I never should have…”
“Stop it!”
Kagome gasped at his tone, and stared up at him. “Wha--?”
“Miko, do you not see the pointlessness of compounding your own misery by dwelling on that which you cannot change?”
Her brows drew together in a slight frown at his unexpected words. “I… I guess you’re right. It’s just…” she trailed off not really knowing what else to say. “Look, I don’t really expect you to understand what I’m going through right now. She’s still here, but I miss her already. What…” she faltered barely managing to hold back her tears. “What am I going to do once she’s gone?” Having turned her gaze to the ground, Kagome was surprised when her field of vision was suddenly obstructed by white hakama, and a pair of booted feet.
Surprising her further, the demon lord kneeled before her and hooked a clawed finger beneath her chin forcing her to meet his eyes. “I told you to stop that.” Stunned into silence, Kagome just stared at him. “You made a promise to me miko, and I expect you to keep it.”
“Promise?” she repeated quietly. ‘Oh, Rin!’ she remembered suddenly. She had told him that if something were to happen to Kaede, she would care for Rin. At the time though, she didn’t really believe anything would happen to Kaede, but that didn’t make her any less obligated to keep her word.
“Until I am able to find a permanent home for her, Rin is to remain in your care. Once my fortress is completed, she will be permitted to visit as she pleases, but she cannot reside there permanently. The girl requires the guidance of a human female, something this Sesshoumaru clearly cannot provide.”
“I will keep my promise, but that’s not what I meant.”
He removed his fingers from her then, but did not move to stand. “What then?” he asked his voice laced with impatience.
Kagome stared up at him. “I don’t want her to die Sesshoumaru!! I love her!” she ground out almost angrily, a stray tear falling from her eye. He did not respond, simply stared at her with those impenetrable golden eyes. She sighed. “Like I said, I don’t expect YOU to understand.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. After a moment, he rose to his feet in one fluid motion. “You do well to heed my words, woman. Do not dwell on that which you cannot change.” He turned and walked a short distance away. “Have you told the old miko your feelings for her?” he asked without turning around.
Kagome gasped quietly. To say that his question was unexpected was a gross understatement, but after a moment, she managed to answer. “Sh-she already knows. She said…”
“Have you told her?” he cut her off.
Startled, her mouth just hung open for a moment. “No… I don’t suppose I ever have.” she admitted quietly.
“Humph. Then I suggest you do so while you still can.” Then he looked at her over his shoulder. “And do not make assumptions regarding this Sesshoumaru.”
There is more to me than you know.
Though he had not said those final words verbally, Kagome felt them in the way he looked at her. Each one held the gaze of the other for a short time before the call of a distant bird broke the silence. The miko quickly glanced in the direction of the sound. It took only a second, but when she turned back again, Sesshoumaru was gone.
Kagome frowned at the spot where he had stood. She was feeling tired, and confused, and sad. She allowed her thoughts to wander for a long time before her cloudy, grief-stricken mind was able to decipher Sesshoumaru‘s words. ‘His father!’ she realized, slightly horrified by her thoughtless words. ‘He must have been thinking of his father. He loved him. He loved him, and he never said so. I think… I think he must regret it too.’
A strange chill washed over her in that moment as an unexpected comprehension bloomed in her mind. Years ago, Rin had told her the story of how she came to be in Sesshoumaru’s care. While she had been surprised at his willingness to allow a human child to follow him, she had assumed that he did so out of honor and nothing more. Though she was clearly unable to do so, Rin had tried to save him and he simply returned the favor. He allowed her to stay with him because she had nowhere else to go. Now, her preconceived notions about him were completely shattered. With only a few words he had revealed to her that beneath his glacial exterior, and aside from the bonds of honor, Sesshoumaru had real feelings.
He was capable of love.
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