InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Sever the Tie That Binds ❯ Empty Roads, Old Mistakes ( Chapter 15 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: FallenAngel7891 
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 06.22.2006 | Updated On: 06.22.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 06.22.2006 | Updated On: 06.22.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.9K | Visits: 1.5K | Status: Work In Progress
I do not own any of the Inuyasha characters (except taro) only the plot and words.
A/N: Hey guys thanks for hanging in there and for the reviews. Thanks for being patient and I’m sorry about the long updates. I will try and get the next chapter out sometime next week I just have a lot going on right now. More I/K coming up soon so hang in there. I love you guys. Please keep R&R.
Chapter 15: Empty Roads, Old Mistakes
I was so focused on him, on the feelings I had for him so long ago it seemed like we had returned to the times when we were in love. I had wanted so much to be the way we were, but you cant go back in time and rewrite the past just to make a happy ending. Things don’t work that way. Not in reality.
And once it hit me, the reality of what was happening I pulled away from him abruptly. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I couldn’t follow him anymore. I had someone else to think about.
None of this was fair to Koga. I had forgotten about him. Why is it the man I hate the most, the one I want to forget, is the only one I seem to remember? We couldn’t go where we were heading, wherever that was I didn’t know. All I knew was that we each had someone else now. That’s when it really hit me, me and Inuyasha were over. Really over. We would never be us again. Why did that thought hurt so much?
It didn’t matter, none of it mattered anymore. I would have to forget about it all. Move on and learn to accept that Inuyasha was no longer mine. He belonged to someone else, and she seemed to really care for him too. And here I was kissing him while Kikyo and Koga were waiting for us to return. I felt so low, like some adulteress who should have been pinned with a scarlet letter.
“Inuyasha? We cant do this. We cant….we just cant.” I didn’t know what I was trying to say, but he seemed to understand it perfectly.
“I know.” he admitted and nodded faintly. “I just… hell I don’t know what I was thinking. I just…” and he trailed off, lost to any sort of explanation. But I understood.
“I know.” I repeated his words to him. I may not have known what he was trying to say, but I did know what it felt like to be confused.
“Inuyasha,” I said, the next words already hurting my heart. “We need to forget the past. I don’t know if I can forgive you, but I can try to be civil about this.” I said honestly. I truly didn’t know if I could ever forgive him. His betrayal felt like falling off a cliff and crashing to the ground at full impact. It was scarred into my heart, absorbed into my very bones. Something like that is hard to forget, or forgive. Love doesn’t hurt, it’s the lack of love that hurts. In the end your left hurt, bruised and with a memory of it forever.
“I cant.”
“What? I’m willing to let our past go and try to be friends to make this situation easier and you cant?!” I asked mad again. I wanted to forget, start over and maybe try to be friends. And he says he cant?
“No, I cant. I cant forget the past Kagome. I cant forget you. I never will. Those memories of us mean so much to me, I just cant simply forget it all.” And the most painful part of his statement that flew at me like daggers was the irony of it all. He was sincere.
I didn’t know what to say, had no idea how to respond to that. Everything was so messed up and I didn’t know where to start untangling the knots. We’d already made a huge mistake. He kissed me and I hated him for that. I hated myself even more, because I let him.
“Inuyasha, please don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be. I just want to forget about it all. Please.” I whispered pleadingly, practically begging for him to agree and stop making my heart ache.
“I cant promise you anything Kagome.” he said and I almost cried again. “But, I’ll try.” he concluded and I felt the relief wash over me at once. He smiled a small smile and I returned it.
“Now, should we go back to dinner and start acting civilized?” He asked half-joking, half-serious. I nodded and he held the door open for me as I walked in. He waited a few minutes before following me.
To my surprise nobody said anything about both of us being gone, or the fact we had taken a long time coming back. Koga simply turned to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked concerned.
“Yes.” I answered and this time I meant it. Dinner went by without any more outbursts, arguments, or insults. The only topic was Sango’s wedding and I was grateful that for once it didn’t feel so horrible to be in the same room as Inuyasha. In fact I even smiled, my first real, not forced smile since that grave day six years ago.
I didn’t know how things would go from here. I couldn’t tell Koga about the kiss me and Inuyasha shared. For now I would forget it happened and move on. I didn’t feel right about keeping it from him but I knew how much that would hurt him, and it also meant telling him everything. The whole truth about my past with Inuyasha. And that was something I just wasn’t ready to face let alone talk about.
After dinner I decided to let Taro stay the night at his grandmother’s since it was late. When we got home I called my mom and she was more than thrilled about it. Koga didn’t stay the night that night and I felt even more guilty for everything, because I felt relieved that I was alone. I didn’t fall asleep right away, but for once my thoughts weren’t plagued by the past. They were more calmed by the fact that I had gotten some sort of closure that night.
I was letting it go. Inuyasha was trying to let it go. I was closer to what I had wanted. I wanted a life where he didn’t exist. The pain from my past, our past, was nothing but a distant memory that meant nothing in the dawn of another man’s arms. Someone who loved me, really loved me. And I could tell that Koga did love me. It should have been perfect and it would have been. If only I loved him back.
The next day I woke up feeling like a large weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I decided that since Inuyasha and I were going to at least be civil to one another I should invite him to Taro’s birthday party this weekend. Maybe I would even invite Kikyo. After all I had agreed to face this, and that meant accepting she was a part of his life.
After getting ready for work I called my mother and she was more than happy to keep Taro all day while I was at work. I called Sango and told her I wouldn’t be dropping Taro off that morning.
At the office I got an early start on the files since I didn’t have a lot of calls to handle. Naraku didn’t seem angry at me anymore. He even said a cheery ‘good morning’ on his way in. I didn’t know if I was bothered by it or not. Instead of anger in his eyes I could see determination. Coming from Naraku that was never a good sign.
I ignored it though for the most part and finished work. I called Sango and we agreed to meet for lunch. I met her at a nice Italian place on my lunch hour, I ordered the chicken fettuccini and Sango ordered the seafood pasta. We just sat and talked for the most part, and not once did she mention my extended absence at dinner the night before. Then I asked her something she definitely wasn’t expecting if her jaw dropping was any indication.
“Sango, do you have Inuyasha’s address?” She sat there stunned, staring at me and dropped the fork that she currently had twirling in her noodles. I dropped my eyes to my food and sipped idly from my glass of water.
“Yeah.” she said slowly, most likely analyzing the situation. “Why?” she finished giving up and ignoring her pasta altogether.
“I need to talk to him. I was going to invite him to Taro’s birthday party, but I need to lay down some ground rules with him first.”
“Oh.” she said sounding relieved. “Why don’t you just call him then?”
“I think the whole Taro situation should be dealt with in person. I also need to explain that Koga doesn’t know who Inuyasha is to Taro, and I don’t want him to know who he is until I’m ready to tell him.”
“Yeah, you cant talk about something like that on the phone. Well here…” she said scribbling down his address on a napkin. “And good luck.” she finished handing it to me then taking another bite of her forgotten lunch.
“Thanks.” I said packing it in my purse than finishing off my lunch as well.
“Oh Kagome.” she said as if she had forgotten something. “Me and Miroku called the church we wanted to book for the wedding and its booked for the rest of the year.”
“So what are you going to do?” I was worried. Wedding days are very important for women, and when something doesn’t go as planned it is never a good thing. However, Sango didn’t really look all that upset.
“Well we could wait another year or…” she said pausing dramatically. “We could have it in just two months.” she finished smiling sheepishly.
“Your kidding right?” I asked. I didn’t think she was serious, until she nodded.
“Well like I said before its not going to be a big wedding so two months wont make that much difference. You can still do it right? Miroku has already talked to our parents and they can make it.”
“Of course I can still be your maid of honor I was just surprised that you don’t mind having it in just two months.”
“Well despite reasons I cant fathom I love the pervert,” she said smiling adoringly. “And all I want is to marry him. I don’t really care that much for the details, I just want to say the vows and be his for the rest of my life.”
“Wow.” was all I had to say.
“What?” she asked defensively.
“Nothing… its just I never heard you sound so… I don’t know…romantic and starry-eyed?” I said smiling awkwardly.
“I am not starry-eyed. I’m being practical. I mean when you love someone who cares about the date. It’s the ceremony that matters.” she said a bit angrily.
“Sorry, its just so…cute. I mean I’ve always been the one to say girly lovey-dovey things and you were always the cynic. Now we’ve switched roles and its just so weird.”
“Hummmph.” She said snorting loudly and looking away from me. One look at her grumpy expression and I started laughing so hard I thought I would fall out of my chair.
“Oh shut up bitch!” she yelled teasingly, throwing a balled up napkin at me. I only laughed harder before yelling back playfully:
“You shut up whore!”
“Slut!”
“Skank!̶ 1;
“Hooker!”
“……? ” When Sango couldn’t think of anything else she ‘humped’ again and we both started laughing. We used to do that in high school. Joke around by trading insults until we couldn’t think of any.
“Ha, I won.” I declared triumphantly.
“This time.” she answered ominously.
“Yeah, uh-huh, sure.” I said as we paid the bill and walked out. She tapped my arm playfully before giving me a hug and leaving to go back to work. I got in my car and sat thinking for a few minutes. Slowly, I took the napkin out of my purse and looked at the address. I was nervous. What would I say? Would Kikyo open the door? Did she even live there? More importantly, how much did she know?
I didn’t know the answers, but there was only one way to find out. So with a resound sigh I started the car and drove to Inuyasha’s apartment.
After arriving at the right building number I took another look at the napkin and memorized the apartment number. I sat in the car a while, biding my time and trying to put pieces of sentences together before hand. When I couldn’t think of anything that sounded right I decided not to prepare and just take it one step at a time.
Walking up the building I looked at the side and found his name. Ringing the correct buzzer I waited patiently, holding my breath until I heard the distinct sound of the door buzzer letting me in. Walking up the stairs to the second floor I stood in front of his door and prepared to knock, terrified someone other than Inuyasha would answer the door.
Without stalling any longer I knocked hesitantly and was pleasantly surprised when I saw Inuyasha pull the door open and smile at me. He was dressed casually in a pair of faded jeans and an anime t-shirt. He stepped aside silently and let me enter. I walked in and looked around the living room. It was nice. Plain, but nice. The couch sat on the far wall, the TV opposite. The walls were an eggshell white and the coffee table sat close to the couch. Not much decoration other than a few photos on the wall. One I recognized as his family. One of him and Miroku. And one of him with Kikyo. She was standing beside him in what looked to be a mall, his arm over her shoulders and both were smiling.
It felt strange to look at the picture of him with her, but I smiled slightly. I knew then that he was happy with her and despite the slight pain of letting go I was happy for him. I continued to look around until I heard Inuyasha talking to me.
“Do you want something to drink?” I turned around to look at him and shook my head. He nodded and sat down, gesturing next to him for me to join him. I sat down at a comfortable distance and laid my purse in my lap looking everywhere but at him. Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes and an uncomfortable silence settled between us. Finally, Inuyasha turned toward me and broke it.
“So…” he started uncertainly. “What are you doing here?” There was a slight pause before I answered, unsure of how to word it.
“I needed to talk to you about something. I got your address from Sango. I hope its alright.”
“Yeah its fine. I figured as much. What did you want to talk about.”
“Well, I know its not really my place to ask or anything but….” I was nervous and couldn’t bring myself to ask. I stalled and there was a long pause. I didn’t want to ask but I needed to know.
“Is Kikyo here?” His answer was immediate and straight to the point. No punches pulled, but it still left me to wonder.
“No, she lives in an apartment about 20 minutes from here.” Then his expression changed to suspicious as his eyes narrowed toward me as if I had some unseen motive for asking.
“Why?”
“I need to talk to you about something important that I want it to stay between us.” He relaxed at that and seemed to understand what I was saying.
“First, Inuyasha, I need to ask how much she knows about this.”
“Not much. I mean she knows that me and you used to date in high school, but that’s about it. Why?” he sounded angry, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want her to know a lot about any of this. I didn’t want anyone knowing a lot about this.
“I just needed to know okay. This is a strange situation, that’s all.” Even though it wasn’t all I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with him. “Look Taro’s birthday is this weekend.” I started. He smiled widely at the mention of it. “And I wanted to invite both you and Kikyo to his birthday party this weekend. It’s at my apartment and it starts at 1:00. I don’t know if you have plans already or anything….”
“No.” he interrupted quickly. “We’ll be there.” He was silent for a minute before he spoke again. His eyes softened as he looked at me. “Thank you Kagome. For inviting me…and her.” he finished tentatively. I gave him a small, understanding smile and nodded.
“There’s something else though. This isn’t easy for me to ask, but I don’t want you telling anyone who you are to Taro. I haven’t told Koga, no one outside of Miroku and Sango know and I want to keep it that way.” His look darkened a bit and suddenly I was sorry that I even said it. I knew he wouldn’t be happy about it, but I still didn’t want to have to say it. I didn’t feel guilty. Well, not much, but I wanted to tell Koga when I thought the time was right. I just hoped Inuyasha would respect that.
“What do you want me to do Kagome hide in the bathroom all fucking night?” he asked heatedly.
“No, I want you to be there with Taro, have fun, eat cake, whatever! I just don’t want anyone to know you’re his father Inuyasha okay! Cant you respect that?” I asked getting angry myself. Who did he think he was? I hadn’t even wanted ot invite Kikyo, the mere thought if it making me sick, but I did. I did it for him, because we said we get over this and act civilly. I was trying. Why couldn’t he?
“Why? Why Kagome? Why don’t you want to tell? More importantly are you ever going to tell Taro that I’m his fucking father?!” he said sounding more furious, the volume of his voice filling the entire space as he stood up from the couch and scowled down at me.
“I told you from the beginning Inuyasha that it was my decision. I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t many people and I don’t want Koga finding out until I’m ready to tell him myself.” I said standing up to face him myself not to be intimidated by his fury. I had seen his temper too many times to let it bother me.
“That’s it huh?” He asked sounding distressed. “It’s only your decision. Not mine. He’s only your son. Not mine. Right?” he asked angry and dejected at the same time.
“Yes. I’m sorry, but you were never there Inuyasha. Not for any of his life. Now all of a sudden you expect me to cater to you? It’s my decision and mine only. I know how you feel about Taro, but I’m sorry Inuyasha you haven’t been his father for his entire life. Now because you know, you think you can make whatever decisions you want because they accommodate you?!”
“You took away my choice Kagome! I didn’t have a say in in being there for him. I didn’t even know about him until a month ago. What do you want me to do?! I said I was fucking sorry and I’m trying like hell to make things right.” I wanted to slap him. I never took away his choice. He had already made it when he chose her.
“I never took away your choice Inuyasha! Never! How could you even say that?” I asked astonished. “You made your choice, and it was her. I then had to make a choice. I made a choice that I thought was right. What would you have done Inuyasha?! Run back to me just because I was pregnant?! Don’t you get it? I didn’t want that. I didn’t want you resenting me or the baby because we would have been an inconvenience to your new life with the woman you loved. I did what I thought was right.”
“You should have told me.” He said simply as if everything I just said meant nothing.
“What would you have done if you were me Inuyasha?” When he started to answer I cut him off. “No I mean really think about it Inuyasha. If you were me and the person you loved so much was leaving you for someone else would you have wanted to tell them? Then spend the rest of your life wondering if they stayed because they loved you or just because they felt obligated? Is that how you would want to live?” I asked softly near tears. I thought me and him were past this. Apparently, there were things he resented me for. Just like there were things I resented him for.
He was quiet for a long time. Thinking about what I said and when he looked up at me I saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt he caused. Maybe he finally understood my choice, maybe he didn’t. But I knew then that he had some idea of where I was coming from.
“I’m sorry, Kagome. I didn’t know that I…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence so he moved on. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. That I made everything so hard on you.” His answer was heartfelt and even though he was sorry he wasn’t there I wasn’t. The only regret I have is that I trusted him with something so special and fragile, my heart. But I didn’t want him with me unless he wanted to be. I could never be sorry that I didn’t tell him to keep him from leaving me. That wouldn’t have been right and I didn’t want to hold him to me that way. I wanted him to love me.
“Look, lets just put that all behind us.” I said trying to make peace. We had said we’d be civil. I guess some things were more difficult, but maybe we could try again now that the past was out of the way. “I at least want to be friends. We have to be if we’re going to be around each other all the time. Especially if your going to see Taro. I don’t want to fight anymore. Can you please just let it go?” I asked finally hoping he’d agree. I just wanted to move on. I didn’t want to argue anymore
“Have you forgiven me for leaving?” He asked in retaliation. I was surprised he would even say that. Why would he ask me that out of nowhere? I wasn’t sure, but I wouldn’t lie.
“No.” I answered honestly.
“Neither have I.” Was his whispered answer. I didn’t know what to say to that. Did that mean he regretted leaving? I wanted to know. My mind was screaming for a clear answer, some explanation, but I couldn’t ask for it. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I wanted to forget that Inuyasha and I were ever together. It hurt too much to think about what might have been. I just wanted someone who loved me, really loved me and Koga seemed to be perfect. The only question was; Would he feel the same way when he found out about everything that happened between me and Inuyasha?
I looked down, unable to meet the intensity in his eyes. I suddenly felt like I shouldn’t be there. Like it was wrong in some way. I grabbed my purse and walked toward the door without a word. I heard him follow me and felt him lightly touch my shoulder.
“Kagome, I…I.” He stumbled nervously. I had no idea what he was going to say, but I knew instinctually that I wouldn’t like it. Without removing my hand from the doorknob or even turning to look at him I said:
“I have to go, Inuyasha. Goodbye. I’ll see you on Saturday.” I said opening the door when he didn’t respond. “Both of you.” I added as an afterthought as I headed down the stairs and out of the building. My steps quickened on their own until I was practically running to my car. My breathing was labored and my palms were sweaty. I didn’t know why I unexpectedly felt so nervous and sick to my stomach. All I knew was whatever Inuyasha was about to say had me terrified as if I knew it would bring with it my very end. Maybe I was exaggerating it, maybe what he wanted to say meant nothing. Then again, maybe not.
Without thinking about it anymore I got in my car and drove off at a fast pace, more determined than ever to get away form there as fast as possible. As I drove home I went into a daze. I kept thinking about what he said.
Have you forgiven me for leaving?
Neither have I
It kept repeating in my head and had me asking myself so many questions. What was he thinking? What were his regrets? Did he even have any regrets? I thought about the fact that he and Kikyo don’t live together after seeing each other for six years. How close were they? I didn’t know what to think about any of it. Everything between me and Inuyasha just got more confusing the longer I thought about it. Everything was messed up. Feelings were misplaced and confusing. Even then, the only thing I could think about was how everything used to be and found myself wondering what would have happened to us had he stayed.
Maybe we would have been happily married with a few kids. Maybe we would have been miserable and resented everything. Or maybe we would have gotten everything we ever wanted. I guess I would never know.
None if it mattered anymore anyway. I guess it never did.
Anyway, it’s in the past can you cant go back. If you turned around you would see an empty road. One that was already traveled and no matter how much you want to you cant go back. Things don’t work that way. I was stupid to have once believed they did.
A/N: Hey guys thanks for hanging in there and for the reviews. Thanks for being patient and I’m sorry about the long updates. I will try and get the next chapter out sometime next week I just have a lot going on right now. More I/K coming up soon so hang in there. I love you guys. Please keep R&R.
Chapter 15: Empty Roads, Old Mistakes
I was so focused on him, on the feelings I had for him so long ago it seemed like we had returned to the times when we were in love. I had wanted so much to be the way we were, but you cant go back in time and rewrite the past just to make a happy ending. Things don’t work that way. Not in reality.
And once it hit me, the reality of what was happening I pulled away from him abruptly. I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I couldn’t follow him anymore. I had someone else to think about.
None of this was fair to Koga. I had forgotten about him. Why is it the man I hate the most, the one I want to forget, is the only one I seem to remember? We couldn’t go where we were heading, wherever that was I didn’t know. All I knew was that we each had someone else now. That’s when it really hit me, me and Inuyasha were over. Really over. We would never be us again. Why did that thought hurt so much?
It didn’t matter, none of it mattered anymore. I would have to forget about it all. Move on and learn to accept that Inuyasha was no longer mine. He belonged to someone else, and she seemed to really care for him too. And here I was kissing him while Kikyo and Koga were waiting for us to return. I felt so low, like some adulteress who should have been pinned with a scarlet letter.
“Inuyasha? We cant do this. We cant….we just cant.” I didn’t know what I was trying to say, but he seemed to understand it perfectly.
“I know.” he admitted and nodded faintly. “I just… hell I don’t know what I was thinking. I just…” and he trailed off, lost to any sort of explanation. But I understood.
“I know.” I repeated his words to him. I may not have known what he was trying to say, but I did know what it felt like to be confused.
“Inuyasha,” I said, the next words already hurting my heart. “We need to forget the past. I don’t know if I can forgive you, but I can try to be civil about this.” I said honestly. I truly didn’t know if I could ever forgive him. His betrayal felt like falling off a cliff and crashing to the ground at full impact. It was scarred into my heart, absorbed into my very bones. Something like that is hard to forget, or forgive. Love doesn’t hurt, it’s the lack of love that hurts. In the end your left hurt, bruised and with a memory of it forever.
“I cant.”
“What? I’m willing to let our past go and try to be friends to make this situation easier and you cant?!” I asked mad again. I wanted to forget, start over and maybe try to be friends. And he says he cant?
“No, I cant. I cant forget the past Kagome. I cant forget you. I never will. Those memories of us mean so much to me, I just cant simply forget it all.” And the most painful part of his statement that flew at me like daggers was the irony of it all. He was sincere.
I didn’t know what to say, had no idea how to respond to that. Everything was so messed up and I didn’t know where to start untangling the knots. We’d already made a huge mistake. He kissed me and I hated him for that. I hated myself even more, because I let him.
“Inuyasha, please don’t make this any more difficult than it has to be. I just want to forget about it all. Please.” I whispered pleadingly, practically begging for him to agree and stop making my heart ache.
“I cant promise you anything Kagome.” he said and I almost cried again. “But, I’ll try.” he concluded and I felt the relief wash over me at once. He smiled a small smile and I returned it.
“Now, should we go back to dinner and start acting civilized?” He asked half-joking, half-serious. I nodded and he held the door open for me as I walked in. He waited a few minutes before following me.
To my surprise nobody said anything about both of us being gone, or the fact we had taken a long time coming back. Koga simply turned to me and put his arm around my shoulder.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked concerned.
“Yes.” I answered and this time I meant it. Dinner went by without any more outbursts, arguments, or insults. The only topic was Sango’s wedding and I was grateful that for once it didn’t feel so horrible to be in the same room as Inuyasha. In fact I even smiled, my first real, not forced smile since that grave day six years ago.
I didn’t know how things would go from here. I couldn’t tell Koga about the kiss me and Inuyasha shared. For now I would forget it happened and move on. I didn’t feel right about keeping it from him but I knew how much that would hurt him, and it also meant telling him everything. The whole truth about my past with Inuyasha. And that was something I just wasn’t ready to face let alone talk about.
After dinner I decided to let Taro stay the night at his grandmother’s since it was late. When we got home I called my mom and she was more than thrilled about it. Koga didn’t stay the night that night and I felt even more guilty for everything, because I felt relieved that I was alone. I didn’t fall asleep right away, but for once my thoughts weren’t plagued by the past. They were more calmed by the fact that I had gotten some sort of closure that night.
I was letting it go. Inuyasha was trying to let it go. I was closer to what I had wanted. I wanted a life where he didn’t exist. The pain from my past, our past, was nothing but a distant memory that meant nothing in the dawn of another man’s arms. Someone who loved me, really loved me. And I could tell that Koga did love me. It should have been perfect and it would have been. If only I loved him back.
The next day I woke up feeling like a large weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I decided that since Inuyasha and I were going to at least be civil to one another I should invite him to Taro’s birthday party this weekend. Maybe I would even invite Kikyo. After all I had agreed to face this, and that meant accepting she was a part of his life.
After getting ready for work I called my mother and she was more than happy to keep Taro all day while I was at work. I called Sango and told her I wouldn’t be dropping Taro off that morning.
At the office I got an early start on the files since I didn’t have a lot of calls to handle. Naraku didn’t seem angry at me anymore. He even said a cheery ‘good morning’ on his way in. I didn’t know if I was bothered by it or not. Instead of anger in his eyes I could see determination. Coming from Naraku that was never a good sign.
I ignored it though for the most part and finished work. I called Sango and we agreed to meet for lunch. I met her at a nice Italian place on my lunch hour, I ordered the chicken fettuccini and Sango ordered the seafood pasta. We just sat and talked for the most part, and not once did she mention my extended absence at dinner the night before. Then I asked her something she definitely wasn’t expecting if her jaw dropping was any indication.
“Sango, do you have Inuyasha’s address?” She sat there stunned, staring at me and dropped the fork that she currently had twirling in her noodles. I dropped my eyes to my food and sipped idly from my glass of water.
“Yeah.” she said slowly, most likely analyzing the situation. “Why?” she finished giving up and ignoring her pasta altogether.
“I need to talk to him. I was going to invite him to Taro’s birthday party, but I need to lay down some ground rules with him first.”
“Oh.” she said sounding relieved. “Why don’t you just call him then?”
“I think the whole Taro situation should be dealt with in person. I also need to explain that Koga doesn’t know who Inuyasha is to Taro, and I don’t want him to know who he is until I’m ready to tell him.”
“Yeah, you cant talk about something like that on the phone. Well here…” she said scribbling down his address on a napkin. “And good luck.” she finished handing it to me then taking another bite of her forgotten lunch.
“Thanks.” I said packing it in my purse than finishing off my lunch as well.
“Oh Kagome.” she said as if she had forgotten something. “Me and Miroku called the church we wanted to book for the wedding and its booked for the rest of the year.”
“So what are you going to do?” I was worried. Wedding days are very important for women, and when something doesn’t go as planned it is never a good thing. However, Sango didn’t really look all that upset.
“Well we could wait another year or…” she said pausing dramatically. “We could have it in just two months.” she finished smiling sheepishly.
“Your kidding right?” I asked. I didn’t think she was serious, until she nodded.
“Well like I said before its not going to be a big wedding so two months wont make that much difference. You can still do it right? Miroku has already talked to our parents and they can make it.”
“Of course I can still be your maid of honor I was just surprised that you don’t mind having it in just two months.”
“Well despite reasons I cant fathom I love the pervert,” she said smiling adoringly. “And all I want is to marry him. I don’t really care that much for the details, I just want to say the vows and be his for the rest of my life.”
“Wow.” was all I had to say.
“What?” she asked defensively.
“Nothing… its just I never heard you sound so… I don’t know…romantic and starry-eyed?” I said smiling awkwardly.
“I am not starry-eyed. I’m being practical. I mean when you love someone who cares about the date. It’s the ceremony that matters.” she said a bit angrily.
“Sorry, its just so…cute. I mean I’ve always been the one to say girly lovey-dovey things and you were always the cynic. Now we’ve switched roles and its just so weird.”
“Hummmph.” She said snorting loudly and looking away from me. One look at her grumpy expression and I started laughing so hard I thought I would fall out of my chair.
“Oh shut up bitch!” she yelled teasingly, throwing a balled up napkin at me. I only laughed harder before yelling back playfully:
“You shut up whore!”
“Slut!”
“Skank!̶ 1;
“Hooker!”
“……? ” When Sango couldn’t think of anything else she ‘humped’ again and we both started laughing. We used to do that in high school. Joke around by trading insults until we couldn’t think of any.
“Ha, I won.” I declared triumphantly.
“This time.” she answered ominously.
“Yeah, uh-huh, sure.” I said as we paid the bill and walked out. She tapped my arm playfully before giving me a hug and leaving to go back to work. I got in my car and sat thinking for a few minutes. Slowly, I took the napkin out of my purse and looked at the address. I was nervous. What would I say? Would Kikyo open the door? Did she even live there? More importantly, how much did she know?
I didn’t know the answers, but there was only one way to find out. So with a resound sigh I started the car and drove to Inuyasha’s apartment.
After arriving at the right building number I took another look at the napkin and memorized the apartment number. I sat in the car a while, biding my time and trying to put pieces of sentences together before hand. When I couldn’t think of anything that sounded right I decided not to prepare and just take it one step at a time.
Walking up the building I looked at the side and found his name. Ringing the correct buzzer I waited patiently, holding my breath until I heard the distinct sound of the door buzzer letting me in. Walking up the stairs to the second floor I stood in front of his door and prepared to knock, terrified someone other than Inuyasha would answer the door.
Without stalling any longer I knocked hesitantly and was pleasantly surprised when I saw Inuyasha pull the door open and smile at me. He was dressed casually in a pair of faded jeans and an anime t-shirt. He stepped aside silently and let me enter. I walked in and looked around the living room. It was nice. Plain, but nice. The couch sat on the far wall, the TV opposite. The walls were an eggshell white and the coffee table sat close to the couch. Not much decoration other than a few photos on the wall. One I recognized as his family. One of him and Miroku. And one of him with Kikyo. She was standing beside him in what looked to be a mall, his arm over her shoulders and both were smiling.
It felt strange to look at the picture of him with her, but I smiled slightly. I knew then that he was happy with her and despite the slight pain of letting go I was happy for him. I continued to look around until I heard Inuyasha talking to me.
“Do you want something to drink?” I turned around to look at him and shook my head. He nodded and sat down, gesturing next to him for me to join him. I sat down at a comfortable distance and laid my purse in my lap looking everywhere but at him. Neither one of us spoke for a few minutes and an uncomfortable silence settled between us. Finally, Inuyasha turned toward me and broke it.
“So…” he started uncertainly. “What are you doing here?” There was a slight pause before I answered, unsure of how to word it.
“I needed to talk to you about something. I got your address from Sango. I hope its alright.”
“Yeah its fine. I figured as much. What did you want to talk about.”
“Well, I know its not really my place to ask or anything but….” I was nervous and couldn’t bring myself to ask. I stalled and there was a long pause. I didn’t want to ask but I needed to know.
“Is Kikyo here?” His answer was immediate and straight to the point. No punches pulled, but it still left me to wonder.
“No, she lives in an apartment about 20 minutes from here.” Then his expression changed to suspicious as his eyes narrowed toward me as if I had some unseen motive for asking.
“Why?”
“I need to talk to you about something important that I want it to stay between us.” He relaxed at that and seemed to understand what I was saying.
“First, Inuyasha, I need to ask how much she knows about this.”
“Not much. I mean she knows that me and you used to date in high school, but that’s about it. Why?” he sounded angry, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want her to know a lot about any of this. I didn’t want anyone knowing a lot about this.
“I just needed to know okay. This is a strange situation, that’s all.” Even though it wasn’t all I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with him. “Look Taro’s birthday is this weekend.” I started. He smiled widely at the mention of it. “And I wanted to invite both you and Kikyo to his birthday party this weekend. It’s at my apartment and it starts at 1:00. I don’t know if you have plans already or anything….”
“No.” he interrupted quickly. “We’ll be there.” He was silent for a minute before he spoke again. His eyes softened as he looked at me. “Thank you Kagome. For inviting me…and her.” he finished tentatively. I gave him a small, understanding smile and nodded.
“There’s something else though. This isn’t easy for me to ask, but I don’t want you telling anyone who you are to Taro. I haven’t told Koga, no one outside of Miroku and Sango know and I want to keep it that way.” His look darkened a bit and suddenly I was sorry that I even said it. I knew he wouldn’t be happy about it, but I still didn’t want to have to say it. I didn’t feel guilty. Well, not much, but I wanted to tell Koga when I thought the time was right. I just hoped Inuyasha would respect that.
“What do you want me to do Kagome hide in the bathroom all fucking night?” he asked heatedly.
“No, I want you to be there with Taro, have fun, eat cake, whatever! I just don’t want anyone to know you’re his father Inuyasha okay! Cant you respect that?” I asked getting angry myself. Who did he think he was? I hadn’t even wanted ot invite Kikyo, the mere thought if it making me sick, but I did. I did it for him, because we said we get over this and act civilly. I was trying. Why couldn’t he?
“Why? Why Kagome? Why don’t you want to tell? More importantly are you ever going to tell Taro that I’m his fucking father?!” he said sounding more furious, the volume of his voice filling the entire space as he stood up from the couch and scowled down at me.
“I told you from the beginning Inuyasha that it was my decision. I don’t know. What I do know is that I haven’t many people and I don’t want Koga finding out until I’m ready to tell him myself.” I said standing up to face him myself not to be intimidated by his fury. I had seen his temper too many times to let it bother me.
“That’s it huh?” He asked sounding distressed. “It’s only your decision. Not mine. He’s only your son. Not mine. Right?” he asked angry and dejected at the same time.
“Yes. I’m sorry, but you were never there Inuyasha. Not for any of his life. Now all of a sudden you expect me to cater to you? It’s my decision and mine only. I know how you feel about Taro, but I’m sorry Inuyasha you haven’t been his father for his entire life. Now because you know, you think you can make whatever decisions you want because they accommodate you?!”
“You took away my choice Kagome! I didn’t have a say in in being there for him. I didn’t even know about him until a month ago. What do you want me to do?! I said I was fucking sorry and I’m trying like hell to make things right.” I wanted to slap him. I never took away his choice. He had already made it when he chose her.
“I never took away your choice Inuyasha! Never! How could you even say that?” I asked astonished. “You made your choice, and it was her. I then had to make a choice. I made a choice that I thought was right. What would you have done Inuyasha?! Run back to me just because I was pregnant?! Don’t you get it? I didn’t want that. I didn’t want you resenting me or the baby because we would have been an inconvenience to your new life with the woman you loved. I did what I thought was right.”
“You should have told me.” He said simply as if everything I just said meant nothing.
“What would you have done if you were me Inuyasha?” When he started to answer I cut him off. “No I mean really think about it Inuyasha. If you were me and the person you loved so much was leaving you for someone else would you have wanted to tell them? Then spend the rest of your life wondering if they stayed because they loved you or just because they felt obligated? Is that how you would want to live?” I asked softly near tears. I thought me and him were past this. Apparently, there were things he resented me for. Just like there were things I resented him for.
He was quiet for a long time. Thinking about what I said and when he looked up at me I saw the hurt in his eyes, hurt he caused. Maybe he finally understood my choice, maybe he didn’t. But I knew then that he had some idea of where I was coming from.
“I’m sorry, Kagome. I didn’t know that I…” He couldn’t bring himself to finish that sentence so he moved on. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. That I made everything so hard on you.” His answer was heartfelt and even though he was sorry he wasn’t there I wasn’t. The only regret I have is that I trusted him with something so special and fragile, my heart. But I didn’t want him with me unless he wanted to be. I could never be sorry that I didn’t tell him to keep him from leaving me. That wouldn’t have been right and I didn’t want to hold him to me that way. I wanted him to love me.
“Look, lets just put that all behind us.” I said trying to make peace. We had said we’d be civil. I guess some things were more difficult, but maybe we could try again now that the past was out of the way. “I at least want to be friends. We have to be if we’re going to be around each other all the time. Especially if your going to see Taro. I don’t want to fight anymore. Can you please just let it go?” I asked finally hoping he’d agree. I just wanted to move on. I didn’t want to argue anymore
“Have you forgiven me for leaving?” He asked in retaliation. I was surprised he would even say that. Why would he ask me that out of nowhere? I wasn’t sure, but I wouldn’t lie.
“No.” I answered honestly.
“Neither have I.” Was his whispered answer. I didn’t know what to say to that. Did that mean he regretted leaving? I wanted to know. My mind was screaming for a clear answer, some explanation, but I couldn’t ask for it. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I wanted to forget that Inuyasha and I were ever together. It hurt too much to think about what might have been. I just wanted someone who loved me, really loved me and Koga seemed to be perfect. The only question was; Would he feel the same way when he found out about everything that happened between me and Inuyasha?
I looked down, unable to meet the intensity in his eyes. I suddenly felt like I shouldn’t be there. Like it was wrong in some way. I grabbed my purse and walked toward the door without a word. I heard him follow me and felt him lightly touch my shoulder.
“Kagome, I…I.” He stumbled nervously. I had no idea what he was going to say, but I knew instinctually that I wouldn’t like it. Without removing my hand from the doorknob or even turning to look at him I said:
“I have to go, Inuyasha. Goodbye. I’ll see you on Saturday.” I said opening the door when he didn’t respond. “Both of you.” I added as an afterthought as I headed down the stairs and out of the building. My steps quickened on their own until I was practically running to my car. My breathing was labored and my palms were sweaty. I didn’t know why I unexpectedly felt so nervous and sick to my stomach. All I knew was whatever Inuyasha was about to say had me terrified as if I knew it would bring with it my very end. Maybe I was exaggerating it, maybe what he wanted to say meant nothing. Then again, maybe not.
Without thinking about it anymore I got in my car and drove off at a fast pace, more determined than ever to get away form there as fast as possible. As I drove home I went into a daze. I kept thinking about what he said.
Have you forgiven me for leaving?
Neither have I
It kept repeating in my head and had me asking myself so many questions. What was he thinking? What were his regrets? Did he even have any regrets? I thought about the fact that he and Kikyo don’t live together after seeing each other for six years. How close were they? I didn’t know what to think about any of it. Everything between me and Inuyasha just got more confusing the longer I thought about it. Everything was messed up. Feelings were misplaced and confusing. Even then, the only thing I could think about was how everything used to be and found myself wondering what would have happened to us had he stayed.
Maybe we would have been happily married with a few kids. Maybe we would have been miserable and resented everything. Or maybe we would have gotten everything we ever wanted. I guess I would never know.
None if it mattered anymore anyway. I guess it never did.
Anyway, it’s in the past can you cant go back. If you turned around you would see an empty road. One that was already traveled and no matter how much you want to you cant go back. Things don’t work that way. I was stupid to have once believed they did.