InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Sever the Tie That Binds ❯ Losing Grip ( Chapter 14 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha & co.

A/N: Okay, you guys really don’t like Koga or the lemon. And that’s okay, but let me just tell you that everything b/w Kag/Kog will play a part in the story and everything she does later will lead to her decision in the end. Just trust and bare with me. And someone mentioned a flashback lemon of Inu/Kag to make up for the Kag/Kog lemon. Well, there will be many flashbacks to come b/w Inu/Kag and yes there will be lemon flashbacks. Okay? Now, keep reading and reviewing. Lyrics are from Losing Grip by Avril Lavigne.

Chapter 14: Losing Grip

I was thirteen again. Somewhere in the spans of time I had sat with Inuyasha on that cold bench I traveled back in time. To a time when I was young, we were both young, and the day my life had changed. This one moment that would lead to so much more and I never saw it coming. This was the moment that sealed my fate so many years ago.

Inuyasha was walking me home from school, as he did every day. Why he felt the need to walk me home when it was three blocks out of his way was beyond me. I was ignoring whatever it was he was yapping about, thinking to myself about what had changed between us.

We were still best friends, but it felt different. With each year that passed us so many things changed. As we got older there were no more boy/girl sleepovers, no more “girls are icky’ comments, and I used to tell him every secret. Now there were many things I kept from him in favor of telling my female best friend, Sango.

When I heard him say “I’m going to ask her out.” I was suddenly hanging onto every word and wondering why I felt my stomach lurch at his words. I didn’t even know who this girl was that he wanted to date in hopes she would be his girlfriend, but I did know she wasn’t right for him.

Maybe it was because I knew she couldn’t handle his temper, or the fact that she didn’t fill her cupboards up with ramen for when he came over. Maybe it was because she didn’t know his favorite color was red, or the fact that he chewed with his mouth open sometimes then laughed when you said it was gross. Maybe it was because she wouldn’t be able to tell when he was hiding his feelings, but really wanted you to know he needed you even when he turned away instead of looking at you. Or maybe it was because she wasn’t me.

She wasn’t me.

That was when I had my revelation. I didn’t want him with another because I wanted to be his. I wanted to be his girl, his forever. Maybe I had always known deep down but couldn’t see it on the surface. One thing I knew for sure was in that moment I realized that I loved him, really loved him.

I guess I had been quiet too long, because I was walking alone and I looked back to see Inuyasha standing there staring at me.
“What?” I asked hoping he didn’t know why I had been quiet.

“Kags, I just said I wanted to ask Ayumi out. You know on a date.”
“Yeah, I heard you Inuyasha.” I said bored.

“And you have no comments whatsoever?” he asked sarcastically “That’s a first.” I wasn’t listening really to what he just said. I was thinking of who he mentioned. It was Ayumi, she was one of my good friends. She was sweet, smart, and pretty. She would have been good to him. But none of it mattered, she just wasn’t me.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked, suddenly and irrationally angry at him. “It’s not like you need my permission. Your the one who wants to date her so really it doesn’t matter to me.” Everything I had just said was so far from the truth. It did matter. In fact, I think it mattered more to me than to him.

However, Inuyasha didn’t know what I was thinking. He didn’t know that he had unintentionally hurt my feelings. All he knew was that I was mad and he took a small step back. Not out of fear, but more out of surprise that I had snapped at him over nothing.

“Okay what’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” I said annoyed hoping he’d leave it alone, but I knew him better than that. He wouldn’t leave it alone, he never did when I seemed mad at him for no damned reason at all.

“Bullshit.” he stated bluntly. Sometimes I cursed the fact he could read me so well. “Your pissed, I know it. So what did I do now?” he asked looking into my eyes, frustration evidently noticeable in his expression.

Suddenly I felt bad, my anger spent and now all there was left was guilt. I felt guilty for snapping at him when he did nothing wrong. He hated it when I was mad at him, especially when he did something stupid but was clueless as to what he did.

“I’m sorry okay? I’m not mad, really.” I was acting my ass off. “I guess I just had a bad day and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

He smiled. “Forgiven.” he stated simply and walked up next to me again. I didn’t want to push my luck with him, but I also didn’t want to be near him. I needed to go home and think about things. The feelings were so new, and all so confusing.

“Look I have a lot of homework, so I’ll just see you tomorrow okay?” I asked running off down the street before he could respond and ignoring whatever he yelled at my back.

I ran all the way home that day. My legs were burning, and my lungs collapsing by the time I finally got to the top of the shrine steps. I dropped my backpack and heaved in as much air as I could. I rested my hand on my knees and hunched over until my breathing returned to normal.

I picked up my backpack and dropped it by the door as I entered. Heading straight to my room, neglecting my homework I sat on my bed and went through my photo albums. Ones with me and Inuyasha at an amusement park, the beach, one of him giving me a piggyback ride when I got tired of walking. These pictures usually made me laugh and now they made me want to cry. It felt as though I would lose him were he with someone else. Things change so much as the years progress and you mature.

What if we both changed too much and he would rather have a girlfriend than a best friend? I didn’t want to be replaced, I didn’t want to lose him. I loved him too much for that.

As the hours progressed, the sun set and faded into night I sat on my bed thinking about him and looking over old pictures. I had spaced out at some point because I was just staring at my wall when I heard a tapping at my bedroom window. I looked over and saw Inuyasha there, a smile on his face. He had climbed the tree by my window and was sitting there grinning at me. I couldn’t help it, I smiled back even as my heart skipped a beat.

I walked over and unlocked the window.

“Inuyasha? What are you doing here? Its late.”

“I know.” He said somewhat apologetically, still squatting on the thick branch. “Come out with me.”
“What?” I asked hoping he was not asking what I thought he was.

“C’mon Kaggie,” he said making his puppy face and using my very childish nickname. “Be wild, sneak out once in your life. Just for a walk I promise. I want to talk to you.” He dropped the pleading puppy act and looked at me seriously. I knew I would have to go with him.

And despite my better judgment I let him help me climb down and then walked with him to the park a few blocks away. We walked next to each other, our steps in sync and that was the only sound between us. Finally, I got fed up with the uncomfortable silence that had settled between us.

“Okay, we’re here. What did you want to talk about?” I asked sitting beside him on a bench.

“I think I know why your mad at me.”

“Inuyasha for the last time, I am not mad at you.” I said stressing the word ‘not’ and getting up to avoid his gaze. I heard him get up after me. I climbed the ladder to one of the slides and sat at the top. He sat at the bottom facing me, while I looked down at my lap. He started to talk about Ayumi, only more to himself than to me.

“You know Ayumi is a great girl. She’s nice, smart, and down to earth.” He stated while I tried desperately not to listen, but my mind was ignoring me and memorizing every line that came from his mouth.

“She even gets involved with school and stuff. You know she’s gonna try out for the school play.” He went on without a hint of emotion, just simply stating facts. I just nodded, Ayumi was my friend and she had told me about the play.

“She’s pretty and I think she likes me.”

“She does.” I assured him in a monotone voice. She did like him, she told me that much. This time he was the one who nodded.

“But you know Kags, she doesn’t like mint chocolate chip ice cream. And sometimes she’s too nice and doesn’t yell at people when they really deserve it. And I don’t think she could handle my idea of manners or how much ramen I eat a day.” He paused and I looked up, curious as to what he meant and why it mattered or not if Ayumi didn’t like what happened to be my favorite ice cream.

“The more I thought about it actually,” he continued getting off the bottom of the slide and standing, “The more I realized that I could never date her.”

“Why not?” I asked, sliding down the slide and coming to stand in front of him. He brought his hand to rest at the back of my neck, and he looked straight into my eyes. My heart was beating so hard it felt like my ribs were cracking and I couldn’t breathe.

“She’s not you.” he answered before I felt his hand pull me toward him and his lips crashed into mine. It was my first kiss and his tongue was hesitant, unsure, as it traced my bottom lip begging entrance, which I granted immediately. I loved the taste of him. He was devouring me, and I was drowning in him. Going under with each passing second, but I didn’t care. His kiss was sweet and passionate and I was utterly addicted to him.

I gave my heart to him in that moment. It was his. I was his.

He pulled away and looked at me. The moon above us cast a pale blue light on his face and his long ebony hair seemed to glow. His eyes were staring into mine, and I saw it in his eyes. I saw what he meant, and all the things he never said. He knew I was mad because I wanted him and I understood then, he wanted me too, not Ayumi. His hand was still at the back of my neck, mine arms had wound themselves around his neck. I guess we knew it even then as we looked at each other.

“I love you, Kags. I always have, but I was scared that you didn’t feel the same. Until today.” He whispered shyly.

“I love you too.” I whispered back before he pulled me to him again and his mouth was on mine, kissing me with such fervor that I clung to him that much more. I was so tangled up in him, and I never wanted it to end.

But it did.

The memory faded, and I was still on the bench with Inuyasha outside the restaurant. That single fragment in time once meant so much, but now it seemed to stand for nothing. It was nothing but taunting, because he never meant it. I don’t know why I had remembered that night of my first kiss, our first kiss, but it was too painful to think about. Especially when Inuyasha was sitting next to me holding my hand.

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to know. The only problem was I wasn’t brave enough to say anything. We just sat there, staring straight ahead, our hands still locked together. I didn’t know what to think about what was happening or why I wanted to cry again.

There were just so many things left unsaid between us. I had wanted so much to be the way we were, but the Inuyasha from my past seemed so far away now. I couldn’t reach him, we were both so different now. Everything was different now and we were heading down a dangerous road, but there were other people who would suffer from the crash if we continued. I was losing my grip. I was slipping. I was falling.

I had promised myself, I wouldn’t fall for him again. Never again.

I looked back at him, and he turned his head at the same moment. Our eyes locked and in that mere sixty seconds of time I knew that me and Inuyasha were nothing but memories. The memory of that night so long ago was lingering in my mind, the pain fresh as I realized we would never be that way again. We would never be happy together, we would never kiss like that or hold each other, we would never be together again. It was over. We were over.

And it was his fault. He ruined it. He lied to me. It wasn’t real, none of it because he never loved me. He loved someone else, the beautiful woman sitting in the restaurant, probably wondering where he was. Then just like that, I was angry at him again. I remembered my hate, but also knew I was treading dangerous waters and I couldn’t go under with him again.

I pulled my hand out of his quickly, as if I were touching a hot pan and that simple touch had burned me. He looked at me confused and startled by the sudden change in my demeanor.

“Kagome?” I knew what he was asking. Why? He wanted to know why. I had asked him that same question a long time ago. My question was met with silence. A silence so powerful I crumbled as it crashed into me like a fifty foot wave.

I stood up and stared at him wearily as if he was dangerous. And he was. Dangerous to my mind, dangerous to my heart. I was unexpectedly livid and he would know exactly how mad I was. How much he hurt me back then. It seemed to me he never cared. So I wouldn’t care either.

“Stay away from me Inuyasha.” was my only response. I turned from him then and attempted to walk away.

“What do you mean ‘stay away from you’?”

“Exactly what I said Inuyasha. Just stay away from me.”“Why?” After what he did he had the nerve to ask me why? I snapped inside. All my repressed anger, hatred, everything just came out in one outburst of pain.

“You hurt me!” I burst out, although I had no intention of saying it. But I held my ground and took a step towards him. “Don’t you get that? YOU HURT ME!”

Are you aware of what you make me feel baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I’m not real
Didn’t you feel me lock my arms around you?
Why’d you turn away? Here’s what I have to say,

He stood up too and faced me. He looked right at me with that sad expression. The only problem was I wasn’t feeling forgiving and I was immune to that look.

I was left to cry there,
Waiting outside there,
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

“I know I hurt you! Okay! I fucking get it. But damn it Kagome, I said I was sorry.”

“You cant apologize for something like that!” I screamed. “You knew what you were doing, don’t pretend you didn’t!”

“I know, but you cant just tell me to stay away Kagome. I need to see Taro.”

“So?” I asked cruelly. Hating myself more and more with each hateful word that came from my mouth. I didn’t want to be this person, but I was hurting again. And I wanted to make him hurt just as much.

Why should I care?
Cause you weren’t there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I’m starting to trip,
I’m losing my grip,
And I’m in this thing alone

“So?” he asked disbelievingly. “How could you say that? I love him, he’s my son for God’s sake!”

“Stop saying that!” I yelled frantically. “He isn’t your son, not really. He’s never been. You left him behind!” I started crying now. I didn’t try to stop the tears that streamed down my face in small rivers. “You left me behind.” I whispered dejected and feeling utterly defeated. But it didn’t last long. I thought of her then rounded on him again, still angry, still hurt and all trace of tears gone.

Am I just some chick
You placed beside you
To take somebody’s place
When you turn around
Can you recognize my face?
You used to love me,
You used to hug me
But that wasn’t the case
Everything wasn’t okay

I was left to cry there,
Waiting outside there,
Grinning with a lost stare
That’s when I decided

“You were nothing but a liar. And I regret with everything I have inside my heart ever being with you.” I hissed out venomously.

“Please don’t say that, Kagome.” he whispered miserably. “We cared about each other, don’t pretend none of it mattered.”

Why should I care?
Cause you weren’t there when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I’m starting to trip,
I’m losing my grip,
And I’m in this thing alone

I don’t even know why I had said something so spiteful and cruel, because it wasn’t true. I was losing myself again and I had to make him into the monster. Its easier to feel the anger than the pain.

Crying out loud,
I’m crying out loud
Crying out loud,
I’m crying out loud

Open your eyes,
Open up wide

“Why not? You know its true. We were nothing, I was nothing. Nothing!”

Why should I care?
Cause you weren’t there,
When I was scared
I was so alone

“That’s not true! You know that!” he nearly screamed, the whole time walking toward me becoming angry himself. “I cared about you! I still do! Don’t say that!”

Why should I care?
Cause you weren’t there,
When I was scared
I was so alone

“Then why, Inuyasha! Why!” I asked, praying he would say it. Tell me why he did what he did. He looked down. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes, and still he wouldn’t say a word. That same silence, painful and all consuming. There was nothing, but that damn silence without regret, without any explanation for being unfaithful.

“Don’t do this.”

Why should I care?
If you don’t care,
Then I don’t care
We’re not going anywhere

Why should I care?
Cause you weren’t there,
When I was scared
I was so alone

“You cant even say it. You fucking coward. I hate you.” I spat. It was then his head snapped up and he looked at me, tears in his eyes.

Why should I care?
If you don’t care,
Then I don’t care
We’re not going anywhere

“Don’t say that.” He whispered desolately. “Please Kagome, don’t ever say that to me. I never thought you would ever say that to me.”

“I never thought you would break my heart.” I whispered in retaliation. But this time there was no hatred, no spite behind the words. Just the truth hidden in the pain.

“I didn’t want to.” he said as he took a step closer. My instincts were telling me to move away. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face. “I never wanted to hurt you. Never.” he said and I felt his lips on mine, gentle at first then demanding and passionate.

Only this time I didn’t pull away. I opened my mouth for him and allowed him to consume me, taste me over and over until I couldn’t breathe. Even then I didn’t care. I was going under again, and I couldn’t think. I was entirely wrapped up in his kiss, I was drowning in him and it was wrong. Everything about this was wrong, and still I couldn’t bring myself to pull away.

He was a bastard.

And still I let him kiss me.

I knew then more than ever, I was losing my grip.