InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Shrine Prostitute ❯ Consternation ( Chapter 18 )

Shrine Prostitute by FlameTwirler

 

~ ~ ~

 

Chapter 17: Consternation

----- a sudden, alarming amazement or dread that results in utter confusion

----- overcome, confuse, dismay

----- bewilderment

 

~ ~ ~

 

After a few days Inuyasha and Kagome had been forced to give into their stomachs' impatient grumblings; holding out as long as they could by living off the food in Kagome's backpack could only work for so long. They had finally gotten to the point where they could no longer put off getting some serious sustenance into them - especially not if they wanted to do anything more than loll about during their remaining time left. So Kagome bit the bullet and went out to buy what she could to hopefully last them a couple days, irritated not only at leaving Inuyasha but at the fact she'd have to stay out until night set. Neither of them wanted to risk her being seen by the wrong person and getting ratted out about the fact she was there when she shouldn't be.

 

Still, it would be good to get out for a bit and stretch her legs.

 

She smiled as she caught a sleepy Ryu finishing up his paperwork in the lobby. Cracking a yawn herself she settled down on the stool next to him. “So how have you been? I haven't really gotten the chance to catch up with you yet.”

 

He eyed her slyly. “Yes, I haven't seen much of you at all.”

 

Ducking her head slightly in embarrassment Ryu marveled about the fact that anyone in this building still had the ability to blush. “I've been keeping myself busy, that's all.”

 

“I'm sure you have.” Seeing she didn't catch the dry note of humor in his voice he took pity on her and cracked a small grin. “It's nice to see you come out of your cave. How has everything been going with you two?”

 

“Oh, same as usual.” She waved a hand airily. “Fun, talking, fighting - lots of drama basically.”

 

There were many things they obviously had to catch up on, more than they feasibly could at the moment especially considering the location and possible presence of other ears, but he could see something festering under her skin. “What is it?”

 

She started, having drifted off into her own thoughts. “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean that normally, no matter how things are going, you're still energetic and look like you're glad just to be alive. Right now you just look…tired.”

 

Sighing she had to concede his point. “I'm not sure I'm so much as tired as…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “I finally coerced Inuyasha into a deal. If I keep coming continually for 5 years he has to accept my feelings - well, not really accept them per se, just admit that I have them and I'm not going to cry off like he worries I will.”

 

Ryu was confused. To him it sounded like a fabulous compromise but from the way she looked so disgruntled with her brow furrowed like that he doubted she agreed. “And the problem is…?” he asked leadingly.

 

She muffled a small sound of frustration, as if he should see it on his own. “First of all five years is a long time.”

 

He shook his head. “Not when you consider all he'd be risking at the end of it.”

 

“That's just it - he's not risking anything because he didn't commit to anything other than admitting than I'm not lying. He's not saying he'll tell me if he feels anything at all, not promising to any sort of action, so it really doesn't hold any sort of resolution at all. I can't help but wonder somehow if I'm just wasting my time.”

 

“You can't mean that,” Ryu said disbelievingly, aghast at the idea. “What would that mean for your deal then, for all you've fought for in the last year, for all you've said about loving him and continuing to love him regardless of anything. Wouldn't that be a slap in the face to all of that, to us?”

 

She hid her smile at how protective Ryu continued to be of Inuyasha, of all of them, and felt lighter of heart remembering there was someone else on their side. “That's not what I meant at all. Nothing could change my mind or heart about Inuyasha and what I wish could be but I'm starting to feel that's all it'll ever be, a wish. Even if I force and prod him into accepting my feelings that doesn't mean that anything will change logistically between us. There's only so far I can go before he has to meet me part way, and I'm not sure he'll ever be willing to risk it and take that final leap. This is what he knows and I'm not certain there's any way I can ever compete with that.”

 

As she slumped back into the stool Ryu had to wonder at her naïveté. “Have you even stopped to step back from the situation and see what this deal would mean to him? Just the fact that he would agree to something like this speaks tremendously. We both know he cares for you, in one capacity or another, so do you really think he would agree to this with no intentions on his part, knowing it would just give you false hope? He's stubborn enough there's no way you could really force or coerce him into agreeing with to this if some part of him didn't want to in the first place. Yes, there's still a long way to go, but I'd say this is a big step for him and you should be encouraged by it.”

 

She wasn't so sure. “Yes he cares for me in some capacity, that's why I can't accept that so easily. He acts tough but he's really kind deep down inside so maybe he just couldn't stand to see me so totally crushed, hoping that - as he believes it's just a short, myopic infatuation - I'll grow out of it long before the five years are up.”

 

He opened his mouth to reply but Kagome was obviously done with the conversation when she stood and dusted off her knees. “Anyhow, I shouldn't be keeping you for so long when you've got to finish your paperwork. I'll be off so you can go home and go to sleep.”

 

Starting off at a trot toward the exit she stopped suddenly and turned around. “I almost forgot - there's some other stuff I need to talk to you about.” She glanced around meaningfully to imply the Shrine lobby wasn't the appropriate place to talk anyhow. “I gather you'll be around later?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good.” She turned back immediately and was out the door in a flash.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Inuyasha had pretended to nod off to sleep when Kagome left but while his mind was exhausted his body was restless. After his reunion interlude with her, toying with her and teasing her for hours on end, she'd been entirely too raw and sore to do much of anything. So they'd played around lightly with each other, slept a bit, but mostly just talked about anything and everything. Well…she talked a lot and he listened. The exchange had taken more out of him than he'd imagined.

 

Through it though he'd finally been able to put his finger on some of what made them so different and what made it nearly impossible for anything to work between them. It wasn't just about the fact that she was a better person than he was…or, not solely about it. Their experiences had also just changed them too dramatically from the other. Even now, when she was exposed to some of his world, she had this inherent optimism about all the ways that things could be fixed. Her naïveté was so ingrained as a part of her character that she'd never be able to see things the way they truly were.

 

He was different. The world already hated him so it saw no reason to hold up the carefully constructed social masks. It relished showing him the gritty, ugly core of what it was all about. Even though it may beat her around a bit the world loved people like Kagome.

 

In the end she'd never see the core of the hatred that surrounded him, that was the essence of his life. She'd never truly understand and, though that maintained that damnable chasm between them, he liked it better that way; she'd already been entirely too sullied by her association with him. The purer she was able to remain the better for everyone involved.

 

Yet it was for that, for her damned gleaming white soul that he couldn't bring himself to fully trust her.

 

If, for instance, he accepted her offer to go live with her and she did realize she didn't truly love him, what then? She might regret her decision, feel miserable, even come to hate him, but she'd never let him know, never turn him out. No, she would feel bound by the commitment that she'd made, by the fact that she'd pulled him into the situation, and would keep on blithely pretending everything was fine, all for his sake.

 

Or worse, what if she had convinced herself she loved him right now just because she thought he needed to be loved? It was very likely that her nature had caused her to step in to fill the void just because no one else had yet.

 

What if that was the case? Her own kindness could be her downfall and it was that, specifically, that prevented him from being able to rely on her completely. He didn't know to what extents she'd sacrifice herself for what she thought was good for someone else.

 

He may be a bastard but there was no way he could take advantage of that. He'd just have to be strong and try to weather out the next five years in indifference until she slowly lost interest and faded out of his life.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Kagome let out a muffled yell as she tossed the book across the room, not able to bring herself to care about the censorious gaze from the librarian.

 

Nothing. Still nothing. No matter how long and hard she looked, no matter how many times she came back to the library, she wasn't able to find anything further about hanyou. It made no sense! From what she'd picked up so far there had to be at least some code for the interaction between the youkai and human societies, so it was feasible those could be applied to hanyou as well, but she couldn't even find that! What's with this place? It seriously has to be a conspiracy or something…

 

Despondent and aggravated she went out in search for food, knowing further searching in the dusty tomes would only frustrate her further. She'd been starved when she headed out earlier in the morning and grabbed some breakfast, feeling guilty that Inuyasha would have to wait a few more hours for his food. Unfortunately it wouldn't exactly do for her to be seen sneaking into his room during non-business hours so to make up for it she planned to pick up a veritable feast on her way back to the Shrine.

 

Still, even after she'd picked up the two bags stuffed with food from the restaurant, there was at least an hour until the Shrine would start taking its first appointments. Sighing she realized how boring this town was without Inuyasha. She'd found the festive street Kouga had taken her to before but just couldn't get in the mood when she thought about how Inuyasha was stuck in that stuffy room while she took in the sights. Plus, now that she'd seen it once, it wasn't nearly as interesting. It was odd but she felt like everybody was always leering at something and honestly she just wanted to get away from the crowd.

 

She decided to head back over to the Shrine so she'd at least be close when they opened, or hoped to maybe even find a way to sneak in early. At the very least she knew there were lots of benches scattered around the grounds so if she got tired of carrying everything she could take a break.

 

Wandering over to the healing part of the Shrine she realized she hadn't given it that much thought before. It was rather ironic to her that a place that emphasized spiritual wholeness was connected to one that stripped Inuyasha of any and all rights. Then again, she wondered how many of the healers knew what happened in the darkest recesses of the main Bacana Shrine. Aside from maybe Kikyou, that was, and for some reason that thought didn't settle as well as she expected it to.

 

She knew, from experience even, that most of the goings on were above board and carried out with at least a modicum of respect, even if it still did shock her on some level that empty sex was a form of worship. Oh, she'd grown up knowing that it was one of the many ways to plead a kami's favor, just as all the different deities had their own rites and rituals, but now that she'd actually experienced sex, and sex with a tetsudai, it just seemed different. Then again, how many people showed up and fell in love with one of the tetsudai, let alone one with Inuyasha's stubbornness and in his situation?

 

She wondered if that meant the kami was cruel, allowing Inuyasha to be used in such a way, or if he was blessing their union? How many people went to fulfill their duty to worship and ended up finding love? Maybe even the kami was sickened by Inuyasha's situation and sent her to help free him?

 

She sighed in disgust. It was always so difficult to understand the minds of the kamis so it was best to just ignore it all together unless a blatant sign came up. Besides, even if the first situation was true and this kami was a cruel one, she would spend every ounce of effort fighting him for Inuyasha's sake, for the sake of any other hanyou that might land himself or herself in such a situation, and wouldn't think twice about it. She just fervently hoped that wasn't the case as she already felt that she was in far over her head and could use all the help she could get.

 

Abruptly she came to a halt when she almost walked into the corner of the next building. Backing up slightly she noticed a sign just to her left, beside a door. It simply read `manager' and she smiled. She'd just been led directly to Ryu's apartments. “Thank you,” she whispered quietly to anyone who might be listening, then put down her bags and knocked quietly on the door; she didn't want to wake him if he wasn't already up.

 

Just when she was about to give up she heard shuffling behind the door and it was opened by a cautious Ryu. “Kagome? What on earth are you doing here?”

 

She opened her mouth to answer but he forestalled her. Glancing to either side to see if anyone else was around he quickly ushered her inside, closing the door behind her. “Silly girl, don't you know the trouble you could cause by being here?”

 

“Not really,” she answered honestly. “What's the worst anyone could imagine, that you and I were having a liaison?” She smiled when he blushed but had the good manners to pretend she hadn't noticed. “As far as I can tell there's nothing in the rules about that - just that I need to be paying for those employed as tetsudai. Seeing as the Shrine's still closed and you work a different job I don't really see the problem.”

 

He shook his head. She was right about the straight forward issues but there would always be people like Kazuma who could get jealous and say he was abusing his authority over Kagome or some other such nonsense. Oh well, he mused, no use worrying about what's already done.

 

Pulling out a chair for her at his dining table he took his seat and resumed his dinner. “Hope you don't mind but I've got to get some food in me before my shift starts otherwise I might start snapping at people.” The image of a surly little Ryu shaking his finger angrily at customers and workers alike made Kagome giggle. “Sorry, did you want some? I've still got plenty…” he motioned over to the stove.

 

“I'm fine.” She'd narrowly managed to grab her bags before Ryu pulled her inside and now nudged them with her foot where they sat on the floor. “I grabbed some food for Inuyasha and I to share once I get back. I already ate earlier today so it'd be rude for me to have two meals before he gets his.”

 

He raised a supercilious eyebrow at her. “If he's that hungry he can go to the cafeteria, you know.”

 

“Yeah, but we both know if he could at all avoid it he'd probably wait until he was near starvation before making himself go there.” She added under her breath, “Not that I could blame him.”

 

Ryu nodded once but marveled at the girl. How was it she was so easily able to understand some things about Inuyasha but could be completely oblivious to others? Take their deal, for example; did she really not see how much of a stretch this was for the defensive hanyou or was she just too scared to hope for anything? He could understand if she was. He was pulling so hard for the two of them to be able to work things out, to find some sort of happiness out of this situation, but the way fate conspired against them he wondered if it would ever be possible.

 

“Anyhow, Kagome, what was it you'd wanted to talk about earlier?”

 

She wanted to ask him if he thought there was any hope that she would ever end up with Inuyasha in the way she wanted, if there was any way she'd be able to help his situation at all, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Not only did she fear the answer but she didn't want her situation in the Shrine to have ultimate bearing in the next decision she needed to make.

 

“I've met another hanyou,” she started instead, deciding to gloss over the first hanyou she'd met outside the Shrine, the one she'd watched die in her arms. At Ryu's wide-eyed expression though she couldn't help but smile wryly. “I don't think they're nearly as uncommon as we've believed.”

 

She proceeded to give him a short synopsis of how she'd met Yami and Josef, of the fear, the misunderstanding, and ultimately the support and love she saw fostering in the family. “I've been helping Josef with his schooling just a little bit but it going slowly as it's taking him a long time to start coming out of his shell. He was so scared when I first met him so it's amazing and humbling to see him starting to trust me like this.”

 

“B-but Kagome,” Ryu stuttered, “how do you know this is safe? Besides, didn't you say these two live within youkai territory?”

 

She shrugged. “To put it simply I don't; there's no way I can guarantee my safety in this kind of endeavor, but neither could I guarantee that if I was working as a doctor in a family practice in an upscale neighborhood. Things happen everywhere and I just want to be where I'm most useful.”

 

He just shook her head and she searched for the words to explain why she could feel so calm about doing such things. “I guess I just believe that if something is meant to happen it'll happen. If I'm supposed to die on a certain day then I will, regardless of whether I'm shot down by police or attacked by an angry youkai or killed in a simple traffic accident. Of course I don't believe that I have no control over my life, it's just that I want to be able to live my life passionately, with all my desire, and not hold back because of any fears I have hanging over my head. If I worried about those things then I'd never do anything worthwhile.”

 

“So you really do believe that everything happens for a reason then, huh?”

 

She inclined her head in the affirmative.

 

“Then don't you think there was a purpose to you coming here, to meeting Inuyasha?”

 

Tugging at her hair slightly she shot him an exasperated look. “Of course I do. You think I could fall in love with the guy and not think there must be something special about it? It's just…well, it comes down to I don't know what reasoning there was to have us meet. My life has changed in so many ways that it could have been even for just a single one of those changes. I'd like to hope it was so his life would change as well but I still don't have any idea if he'll ever accept me or my help.”

 

“Kagome,” Ryu interceded, “you have to know you've changed him.”

 

“Yeah, it's just the question of whether it was a change for the better or worse.” She waved away any reply he would have made. “Anyway…” Trailing off her eyes slowly widened in realization. “How could I have been so blind, why didn't I see it until now?” she mumbled softly to herself before turning to beam up across the table at him. “See? This is why I like talking to you.”

 

He just stared at her, completely at a loss. “What are you talking about?”

 

“I've been focusing solely on Inuyasha instead of all the other parts of my life, all the other things that have changed as a result of meeting him.”

 

“Meaning…?”

 

“Inuyasha isn't the only one I want to help. Of course he's the one I want to help the most right now, stubborn soul that he is, but I want to do all I can for Josef as well, and all the other hanyou I haven't met yet too. What if that's the most important thing to come out of our meeting and I completely bypass it because I'm too busy worrying about my relationship with Inuyasha?”

 

“Does this mean you're going to…stop worrying about him?” He didn't like what that could imply.

 

“Of course not. I doubt I could even if I really tried. I just don't want it to take all of my energy and take over my life. My worrying won't make him come to a decision about me any sooner so I may as well just bide my time and let my frustration fuel my other endeavors.”

 

“What other endeavors?” At this point she'd completely lost him. He wondered if he'd really even been part of this conversation.

 

“These endeavors.” She took an envelope from inside her purse and slapped it into his palm. “Here, will you mail this for me?”

 

He stared blankly at the letter in his hand. “And this is?”

 

“My admission letter to law school.” She'd taken to carrying the thing with her everywhere ever since she'd gotten it from Dr. Hirohito. She had gone back and forth on her decision so many times she never knew when her resolution might strengthen to either destroy the letter or send it off. She wanted to help Josef, she really desperately did, and she'd finally come to accept that, while she'd be of some help as a doctor, she'd be able to do more in another way. It would be of much greater service to him, and other hanyou in the same predicament, to aid his lot in life by coming to understand the laws as they pertained to him.

 

If a lawyer could sway the difference between an innocent or guilty verdict just by citing precedence then just her basic knowledge could possibly find a way around a hanyou's legal position in life. Well, at least she hoped. Yet now with her decision made it seemed nonsensical how she'd been afraid of going forward with it. There was so much that could possibly be gained just by having an elementary understanding of a hanyou's legal resource. If it did come to naught then she'd just postponed becoming a doctor for a couple years in effort of chasing a good cause, so no big deal. Besides, she could always still study with Professor Hirohito on the side and take up Houjo's offer of tutoring. Maybe he'd even let her help out in his family's clinic.

 

Her mood lightened tremendously with the decision and she felt as if a literal weight had been pulled from her shoulders. She sat up straighter and sighed with glee and relief, her happiness marked by the time as the clock had just struck the hour. Swiping up her bags with enthusiasm she sent Ryu a grateful look as he simultaneously began putting his things away.

 

“Thanks again for the talk. You have no idea how good it is to be able to tell these things to someone who understands all sides involved. Sorry for taking up your dinnertime with my ramblings.”

 

Ryu gathered the few accounting books he needed to take with him and headed for the door as she all but pranced beside him in impatient anticipation. “Go on then, get. There's no need for the two of us to put on a show for anyone who might be watching.”

 

After a quick glance around she bent over slightly and kissed his cheek. “You really are a great guy, you know that? Inuyasha's lucky to have you watching out for him.”

 

He blustered and waved her on so with a giddy lilt in her step she raced off for Inuyasha's room, eager to see him again and get him his breakfast.

 

~ ~ ~

 

They'd tried to do better with rationing their food that time, they really had, but it was inevitable that all the physical exertion would make them hungry. They'd even thought to try to tone down what they'd done, hoping they wouldn't burn as many calories so Kagome wouldn't have to leave, but there was only so much control they had over themselves.

 

Plus there had been the time when she'd been trying to talk to him when he was in a surly mood; he'd told her talking made him hungrier than anything else so they couldn't have a real discussion until he had food in front of him again. Kagome hadn't said anything, only sending him a dirty look, before leisurely getting out of the bed and putting on her clothes. When he realized she meant to leave him that moment to go get food he rushed out a clumsy retraction of his earlier statement, going so far to say that he was willing to bear such hunger in order to be able to talk to her.

 

Still it had only been two days, a measly amount of time when Kagome thought she'd stuffed half the restaurant into those food bags she'd brought, but Inuyasha's appetite was apparently insatiable so there she was again, on her way out to go get food. The only difference this time was that she was leaving during the night and just heading to the Shrine cafeteria; she didn't want to have to spend an entire day away from him in town with nothing to do. She wasn't sure if she was surprised or not with how readily he had agreed.

 

Being hungry had made him more than irritable so he griped at her as she headed out the door that she wasn't to take too long. She rolled her eyes but made a mental note to not test his patience too far; after all, despite his mood she was stuck in a room with him for another week.

 

It had been an uneventful trip, despite feelings slightly awkward in the room she had first gone to in order to catch a glimpse of the tetsudai, the first place she saw Inuyasha, and the first place she'd felt ogled to the point of being diminished to a piece of meat. Not much attention was paid to her this time around and it was a bit surreal to be almost non-existent in the presence of so many people when she spent as much time in the Shrine as she did.

 

Still, she appreciated the ease with which she was able to get in and out quickly. The cafeteria wasn't made for catering and didn't have to-go boxes, so she had to manage with the eat-in trays, carefully balancing them on top of each other and piling the top one with as much food as she could feasibly manage to carry. As such, her arms appreciated the idea of being able to unload the food in the room sooner rather than later.

 

Of course, no sooner did she think that than she turned a corner down the hall and ran into Kouga, his bright blooming smile letting her know there was no way he intended to let her just slink by.

 

"Well, well, well, look what we have here." His voice lowered, his smile becoming just a bit more predatory. "Long time no see, Kagome." With one swift, deft movement he snatched the food trays away from her, placing them on the floor in a blur she could barely see, before her hands were clasped firmly in his.

 

"Kouga, what are you doing? I've got to get back..."

 

"C'mon, can't you spare some time for an old friend?" She found herself unintentionally softening toward him. Time had softened the awkwardness between them and she could remember the gentle camaraderie they'd shared, how he'd been her friend when shuffling between all the other faceless, emotionless tetsudai.

 

Glancing down the hall toward Inuyasha's room she finally relented. "All right, but just a minute, okay?"

 

~ ~ ~

 

Inuyasha began to pace restlessly around the room. What on earth was keeping the wench? It couldn't be that hard to get food, could it, even with her propensity for trouble and for being overly-talkative.

 

He growled softly to himself. No, she should be more sensible than that. He'd told her to come back quickly since he was hungry after all the work she was making him do. She must appreciate that, right? So what could be keeping her?

 

With a muttered curse he stalked out of the room, closing his door quietly behind him so as not to alert anyone taking too much interest that he was leaving his quarters. There was no way he'd be able to get any rest if he spent all his time worrying about her so, damn it, she had better have a good reason for taking so long.

 

He came to a complete halt when he rounded the second corner and saw her not two meters in front of him, talking to that fucking wolf.

 

All but snarling he grabbed Kagome's arm, placing himself between the two of them. "What's the problem Kouga, can't get your own clients so trying to get your claws in on mine?"

 

Kouga shot him a haughty look. "When I smelled you on her I figured it you were just a charity case; there's no way she'd honestly choose to spend her time with a half-breed."

 

Kagome opened her mouth to speak but Inuyasha's grip tightened, cutting her off. "That's up to her so you just keep your fucking hands off."

 

"Oh, but I've already had my hands on. Honestly I'm surprised that after being with me she could be satisfied running around with someone so substandard."

 

Inuyasha instantly whirled and stared at Kagome with wide eyes. "You...with him...?"

 

"I still haven't given up on getting her to marry me," Kouga interjected. "Just so you know.

 

"Marriage?!" Inuyasha spluttered, pinning Kagome with his gaze. "You're thinking about marrying this bastard?"

 

"No!" she cried, trying unsuccessfully to free her wrist from Inuyasha's grip. "He asked me a year ago and I turned him down! If I was thinking of marrying him then I'd have come here to see him, not you."

 

Kouga couldn't resist putting in his own two-cents. "You managed to run into me anyhow so you must be thinking about me."

 

"That was an accident!" she declared to the hall at large. "Besides, you're my friend," she turned to direct her words at Kouga over Inuyasha's shoulder. "It's not like I'm going to ignore you - but neither am I going to marry you." Still speaking to Kouga she caught Inuyasha's eyes directly to try to get her sincerity through to him.

 

"Keh." A slight satisfied smile on his face Inuyasha whirled to face his adversary. "You heard the woman; she's not interested so lay off." Not giving Kouga a chance to respond he quickly swiped up the food and tugged Kagome rapidly down the hall, the sound of the door slamming behind them reverberating in the space.

 

Kagome was at a loss with how to react in the situation. A large part of her wanted to yell at him for the way he'd treated Kouga and herself, then part was frustrated that he would even think she was considering marrying the ookami-youkai. It was a blatant, in-her-face sign of how little trust he placed in her commitment to him.

 

At the same time though his possessiveness, while annoying, spoke volumes about what he wasn't telling her. As long as she wasn't merely the prize in a pissing contest between the two then she could assume that he appreciated her coming around more than he'd let on during her first week there and a small, soft smile lit her face.

 

Completely caught up in her musings she missed the scowl still plastered on Inuyasha's face. Not knowing how to - or even if he wanted to voice any more of his anger on her he balled up all his aggression into one movement and deliberately prowled toward her, crowding her against the wall. Her mind going pleasantly blank she no longer needed to worry about which reaction to act out on as his next move made her forget everything that wasn't the two of them in that moment, in that room.

 

~ ~ ~

 

They'd had a fight the next night when Kagome had tried to leave to go get more food from the cafeteria. Ever since coming back the night prior Inuyasha had been physically crowding her, needing to have constant contact with her. If she sat then so did he, making sure his shoulder brushed against hers. If she sat next to the bed while he was in it then he played with her hair or ran his fingers across her neck. If she moved more than a step away from the bed then he was right there, following her. It was a nice change, even if a strange one. Being in the same room continually they normally didn't touch that much outside of foreplay or sex since he had always seemed strangely uncomfortable with it. The switch had seemed utterly random to her and she'd been confused by it until he'd stood in front of the door, blocking her way.

 

“You're not going out there where that wolf will try to get his hands on you again. I don't want you coming back covered in his stink.”

 

She'd been taken aback. “What on earth do you take me for?”

 

“Then again, maybe you won't even come back.”

 

She'd had to put serious restraint into keeping herself from slapping him. “Move out of the way, Inuyasha, I'm hungry.”

 

“What, can't wait to get back to your full-blooded lover so you're grasping for any excuse?”

 

Stomping her foot on the ground she let out a muffled scream. “Of all the - what do you mean, excuse? We had our fill of food yesterday but the last time we ate before that was a couple days ago so you can't say that you're not hungry either. Besides, why are you going on about Kouga? He's not my lover, as you well know; if anyone had the job it'd be you but you refuse to take it!” Suddenly a light went off. “Wait a minute…you're acting jealous!” She nearly laughed out loud at the discovery.

 

“Jealous of that wimpy wolf? You gotta be kidding me. His smell alone is enough to make someone pass out.”

 

Still, she couldn't help gloating. “You are jealous.” She smiled cheekily up into his face as she poked him in the stomach.

 

Inuyasha had decided that was the end of that discussion and proceeded to show her very clearly why he had no reason to be jealous of anything.

 

So the following night Kagome had thought all was resolved when she went to leave, only to find herself very, very mistaken.

 

“What is it this time? Didn't we cover all this already?”

 

He looked away, crossing his arms. “I told ya, I ain't letting you go out there so that damned wolf can sniff all over you.”

 

Walking up to him she knocked on his head. “When are you going to get it through your thick skull that there's nothing to worry about? I'm not interested in Kouga like that.”

 

“You sure seemed comfortable enough with him when I saw you.”

 

“Why don't you come with me then, if you think I'm so incapable of controlling myself around him,” she sniped.

 

“I don't want to go out there, especially not to see you following his tail.”

 

She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around him, raising his suspicions about what she had planned. “Inuyasha, I'm tired and I'm hungry. Being part youkai you might be able to go longer without food but I can't, not unless you want me to just sleep the rest of my time here in a comatose state.”

 

She elbowed him lightly when he didn't respond to that. “Look, you remember when I was here last year, right?”

 

“Course stupid wench,” he said, finally sliding his arms around her waist in return.

 

“Well then, don't you remember what happened after I stopped seeing you and had to see other tetsudai? I freaked out because it made me feel dirty and I couldn't stand doing that with someone other than you.” Catching his eye with hers she continued, “That hasn't changed, by the way.”

 

He softened for a moment before hardening again. “You sure seemed pretty friendly with him for someone who made you feel dirty,” he accused, feeling he'd caught her in her lie.

 

“I didn't have quite the same problem with all of them…” she hedged, hoping he wouldn't press her too hard. Of course, she should have known better.

 

“I've felt filthy in every way possible and there's no way I could ever be `friendly' with any of those bastards involved. So either you've got a really fucked up definition of dirty or there's something weird going on.”

 

She winced and buried her face in his chest. It was such a small thing really, a relatively small embarrassment, but it had been so hard to share it with him. Still, in the face of his revelation she realized it had been rather silly and small of her to hide it and leave him guessing. Maybe she'd been hoping he'd just trust her, but then again she hadn't counted on Kouga being quite so chummy either.

 

“It's not like I could hide anything from you though. With that nose you'd know in an instant if I'd been with Kouga, or anyone else for that matter.”

 

In a sudden show of vehemence he released her and punched the wall next to him soundly, leaving a hollow ringing in her ears. “You don't get it, do you?!” Spinning back to her his eyes shone with rage and a multitude of other things she couldn't name in the moment. “It doesn't matter if I know. You're the client and I'm the fucking tetsudai; you could go out there, fuck a dozen guys, come back to flaunt it in my face, and I couldn't do nothing! You can do whatever you want out there,” he threw his arm wide to encompass everything outside his door, “and I can't do a damn, bleeding thing about it.”

 

Her heart broke in that instant as she walked over to him and cupped his face in her hands. “Inuyasha, don't you know me by now? Do you really think I'd do that?”

 

He didn't, but how could he explain to her that no one could really exist the way he'd built her up in his mind? If he gave his trust and she slipped up once he could get burned fully enough that he wouldn't recover and it wasn't something he was willing to just throw himself into. He was sorry to see that his lack of response saddened her but what could he have said?

 

“Don't you remember how I said we don't have to do anything you don't want to?”

 

“Yeah, but you also said the one thing I couldn't do was kick you out. I couldn't stand you being here, in my room, smelling of someone else.”

 

“But I wouldn't do that!” she countered.

 

“Besides,” he continued as if she hadn't spoken, “you could change your mind at any time and I would have no say in it. I know you're trying to playact like I've got more freedom here with you than normal but the reality is that I don't - I just don't. I know you try but you can't change the Shrine and you can't change the world.”

 

He'd expected her to duck her head, to be crushed by his shattering the last bit of hope for him she could foster in her naïveté, so he was unprepared when she glared at him, every bit as pissed as he'd been earlier.

 

“Don't you ever say anything like that to me ever again. People are the ones who change the world and if there is someone who can change it for the worse then I can certainly change it for the better. I can't force you to accept me or my offers but there are plenty of other things I can do.”

 

He looked at her questioningly and she realized she'd revealed too much, that with some digging he might uncover her outside affairs. To counteract him she quickly spilled the more relative secret she'd been holding onto.

 

“I did see Kouga a few times last year.”

 

Inuyasha tensed up again immediately.

 

“It was awkward but not as bad as the others. He was friendly enough but there was just something…weird about the whole thing that I couldn't put my finger on. It was a couple days in when I realized he reminded me of someone. That's when I gave up on the whole thing and came back to you, even though I wasn't supposed to.”

 

She tacked the last phrase on in a last ditch attempt to distract him from the one thing she hadn't revealed. She hadn't really expected it to work and sure enough it hadn't.

 

“Just who did Kouga remind you of?”

 

Kagome's face crinkled up as she forced herself to spit out the words. “My brother.”

 

He started to shake and she stared at him in astonishment. He was laughing…at her. She swatted at him, embarrassed. “You put up all this fuss, drag the information from me when it doesn't even really matter, and you have the audacity to laugh at me?”

 

Her words only made him chuckle harder and before long he was holding his stomach. “The wolf…your brother,” he choked out, slapping his knee.

 

She tried to be in a huff but it was just too unusual to see him laughing so freely, and a great change from his sour attitude of the last couple days, so after a moment she joined him in the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

 

“Yeah, yeah, real funny. So now can I go get us some food?”

 

“…Brother…” He snickered again.

 

“Inuyasha!” she called directly into his face, trying to drag back his attention. “Food!”

 

“Fine, go to the cafeteria. Maybe you'll get the chance to see your brother-wannabe.”

 

She sighed. “It's going to be a while before you drop this, isn't it?” He nodded and she chuckled, shaking her head in resignation.

 

“I'm off then. Try not to pout too much while I'm gone.”

 

“I don't pout.” Crossing his arms he glowered at her.

 

“Right, of course, my mistake.” Then with a wink and a laugh she was out the door.

 

Standing in the doorway Inuyasha called after her. “Make sure you load us up, I'm starved.”

 

She spun back, set to make a retort of some sort, but with a smirk he shut the door before she could get out a single word. Tempted to go back after him to finish the argument she decided against it. Now that the mood had lifted and they were back to harassing and teasing each other she knew there was no way she'd get to leave again that night. So with a smile on her lips she turned back around and headed down the hall.

 

~ ~ ~

 

The time had gone all too fast in Kagome's opinion. Granted, when she thought about all the problems they'd had throughout her stay it certainly seemed like plenty had happened in just under two weeks, but then again they had been making up for a whole year of missed communication. Still, her departure date was fast approaching and now Inuyasha was going to be spending part of her second to last day next door.

 

The sun rose to find him heading out the door to go see the healers for his weekly check up. Kagome lounged in the bed, flipping herself over to stare at the ceiling. The past week had been incredibly awkward and just hadn't gotten any better. She knew she was at least partly to blame; she was constantly second guessing him now and that just couldn't be good for any kind of stability. Besides, despite how he tried to pretend otherwise Inuyasha was a rather perceptive guy sometimes, understandable given his upbringing and necessary survival skills. He must have sensed her pulling back, her hesitance, and reacted likewise.

 

She hadn't meant to, she truly hadn't, she just wasn't able to convince herself that he actually cared about anything and that she wasn't pressuring him into accepting her. Well, she supposed that in reality she was pressuring him, but fighting against his own desires was an entirely different animal than fighting against his fears and barriers. Unfortunately she still wasn't able to tell which one it was.

 

Crawling out of the bed with a sudden vengeance she hit the pillow. This is getting ridiculous! She was moping around all because she was unsure of his mind. Well, so what? All she could do was live how she wanted and if he didn't like what she was doing then it was his responsibility to tell her to stop. With one last dignified sniff she realized that the short mental outburst had made her feel better than she had in days.

 

Hands on her hips she turned to survey the room and her mouth dropped as she realized it was in a shambles. Granted, they'd been living in it together for near on two weeks but she hadn't realized it had gotten that bad. She shuddered to think what the bed must be like if they hadn't bothered to change the sheets in just as long. Deciding that she had more than enough free time at the moment to remedy the mess, plus the fact that thinking about it all would probably start to disgust her just a little bit, she quickly set to work. First things first, she had to find where in the tiny expanse he called a room he kept spare sheets. She knew he had them because he'd mentioned offhandedly before how he didn't really get housekeeping, though she'd gathered he was too embarrassed at having to clean up after himself to ever do it while she was in the room with him.

 

Still, looking around, she tried to figure out where he could have the sheets stashed. Aside from the bed there was only the closet and the small cabinet next to the drain in the corner that she'd already rifled through previously. Curiosity piqued she decided to start under the bed. She'd never actually thought about whether there could be any room down there for storage but it certainly made sense. Pulling up the bedding she was astonished at the mish-mash of stuff shoved into the small space. Cringing at the possibility of trying to wriggle anything free to see if she could find sheets somewhere in the jumble she decided that she certainly didn't want to attempt it if she didn't have to.

 

Turning around she switched her aim to the closet, hoping it was at least somewhat less packed. Opening the door she sighed at seeing it was improved to the point of being sparse. It had a very large hamper and an assorted collection of `Bacana Shrine' shirts, of the variety she'd had to wear back to her apartment after Inuyasha had shredded hers. Other than that there were some other assorted odds and ends but not much. Given the obvious state of the few things he was given to use on a continual basis she shuddered to think what was stashed under the bed.

 

Luckily she didn't have to go searching through that since she spied a stack of what looked to be sheets tucked back in one corner of the only shelf in the closet. Tugging at the top one to verify what it was she was startled when something fell out of it and almost landed on her foot. Jumping back she looked down to see it was a packet of papers…a packet of very familiar papers.

 

She knelt and gingerly touched a finger to the length of twine binding them together. She never thought she'd see her letters again and was careful as she picked them back up. Despite the wear and tear on them, the dog-earing and careful tags, they were obviously well taken care of. She didn't untie them, not wanting to mess with what Inuyasha had done, but they were loose enough that she could shuffle through and saw that they were even in chronological order.

 

The implications made her stagger. Even though he had never outright said anything, he had always led her to believe that either he'd never received the letters or just didn't find them worth the trouble to reply to. The evidence in front of her though screamed the opposite and she wondered what it was that had held him back instead. She was amazed at the care he must have used to read her letters so thoroughly and yet keep them in such good condition. Making a mental note she realized that if he continued she'd have to start using higher quality paper instead of the flimsy rice paper she'd been writing on.

 

Yet if that was all true, if he actually cared about her letters, and she felt she could safely then assume cared about herself as well, then why the distance? Why had he been so aloof lately? For that matter, why had he reacted so strongly to her mere mention of a kiss? It's not like it would be their first one, though she would have to admit that it would carry much heavier connotation now after all they'd been through. Still, he hadn't even been as harsh the first time she'd kissed him and he'd had to explain the rules to her without making her even more wary and embarrassed than she already was at her first time with a tetsudai.

 

She sat down as she tried to mull through it all. What if he somehow connected her trying to kiss him with her voicing her feelings for him? If he was more wary now that would make sense, since in the beginning there hadn't been all the other sentiment behind it. So was his not agreeing just a further sign of his disbelief in her, or was he again feeling backed into a corner and she was being too forceful?

 

She shook her head. No, with what she'd found with the letters that didn't make sense. He obviously had more attachment to her than he tried to let on, which went a great way toward soothing her worries on that front. If he held onto any mementos then he couldn't be feeling too harried by her, yet he was still going to such great lengths to hide it.

 

Going back to her earlier thought she wondered if his allowing her to kiss him would mean his accepting her feelings. No, that didn't quite make sense. Just like in their five-year bargain his believing her by itself wouldn't change that much in the end, he would just be admitting that yes, she did in fact have a possibly unrequited love. In that light he would likely view kissing her as cruel - though she might be inclined to agree - as it would just be a lead on.

 

So in the end it seemed the only way he would do so with her would be…she nearly laughed at herself in her melodrama. She couldn't be sure about it but it was the only conclusion she could come to - he would only kiss her if he had feelings of the same sort and was finally willing to admit to them, at least to himself.

 

She had to buckle down on the little bubble of joy that nearly burst out from her at the thought. Maybe all hope wasn't lost. After all, if he had such a strong reaction it could only be because he was fighting about it with himself.

 

She smiled as she stood to put the letters back where she found them. Of course she knew it wasn't as simple as that, since his admitting to his own desires wouldn't necessarily change all that much either. The world was still against him and against them being together and he was still obviously paying more heed to that than she was so she could see him fighting against it to the bitter end.

 

Still, as long as she no longer had to worry that he wasn't truly receptive to her - she thumped the letters in her hand once more just for good measure - then she could wait as long as it took.

 

Pulling the sheets aside she carefully slid the packet back into its spot between the cloth and the closet wall then started to close the door before she remembered her original intention for going through his closet in the first place. Re-opening the door she got a waft of the slightly musky smell that must come from having the door constantly closed, not to mention that despite the fact that the hamper was empty it must have left some lingering, residual smell in the cheap plywood.

 

At the thought she froze and instantly realized her mistake. She had just handled her letters, for a good deal of time no less, so there was no way she could hide from his nose that she had found him out. Starting to panic she quickly looked around the room, wondering what she could do to try to cover up such a gaff. A glance at the clock told her she probably didn't have much more time before Inuyasha came back from his testing so she had to come up with something fast.

 

The only thing she thought of certainly wasn't brilliant but she'd be able to keep herself busy and if anything else better came to her…well at least she'd be productive in the meantime. Starting in the closet she ran her hands over every available surface she could get to, from hangars to shirts to sheets, even the rim of the hamper. She didn't know precisely how Inuyasha's sense of smell worked so she could only hope he wouldn't be able to delineate any specific scent trail and that instead it would seem like her time in his room had managed to make her own scent permeate everything inside, including the letters.

 

Not wanting to let him even know that she'd been in his closet, let alone anywhere near the letters, she left the dirty sheets on the bed and focused on the rest of the room. Slowly she made her way past the door to the next corner, opening the small cabinet by the grate, taking out and refolding each of the small rags, moving on to anything else she could find in the race against time.

 

Inuyasha walked in to find Kagome rubbing her hands against the wall, though as soon as she heard the door open she turned and guiltily lowered them behind her back.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked incredulously.

 

She waved her hands airily. “Oh nothing,” she replied instantly, her voice just a little too high. “Just cleaning a spot on the wall, that's all. I had to find something to do with you gone.”

 

If anything that only caused his eyes to narrow in suspicion so she quickly sought to distract him. “What is that you're carrying?”

 

“Your blood,” he said, amused at the look that crossed her face, a mixture of disgust and excitement. He walked toward her and set the cooler at her feet. “I didn't know exactly how much you wanted so I just had them draw a decent amount.”

 

Immediately wary she opened the cooler and paled at the amount of blood she saw inside. “You idiot! How could you let them draw so much? And all this on top of whatever they took to do the testing with?”

 

He shrugged off her concern. “That's nothing.” She paled further at the thought that such blood loss to him was insignificant. Still, she knew he wouldn't like the fact being pointed out so she moved on to her next question.

 

“But I'm here until morning still…why have it in the cooler already? Wouldn't the medics' refrigerator be more suitable?”

 

“Ah, that,” he pulled idly on his bangs, keeping his eyes averted. “There wasn't enough room in the fridge for all of it. Besides, this is all packed up for your traveling convenience,” he sent her a smirk as he went into a `professional' tone of voice, “so you're all set.” He saw her churning it over in her mind but to his great relief she only nodded. Either she bought the story completely or, if she did see through to the fact that no one had wanted his dirty hanyou blood mixed in with the other specimens, then she had the tact to not comment on it.

 

Closing the lid she walked until she was directly in front of him and grabbed his wrists, her face pensive. "You sure you're alright with this - with giving me all of this to use?"

 

"Don't matter," he said gruffly. "All the other clients got their share of my blood to play with so why not you?" She winced at his lumping her together with all the other customers but held her peace. "Besides, you're not using it just for the hell of it and are just trying to learn stuff from it, right?"

 

She nodded.

 

"Then there's no problem."

 

"You sure you don't mind?"

 

"Yeah, I'm sure." He was starting to sound exasperated so Kagome finally gave up the fight against her conscience.

 

But still..."It's not too much blood? You'd have to be severely anemic at this point! You're not going to collapse on me now, are you?"

 

He smirked as he pulled her to him. "Don't worry, I got plenty of energy for your last night."

 

She squealed, ducking under his arm, only to laugh as he caught her around the middle and launched her onto the bed, following quickly after.

 

~ ~ ~

 

A/N: Yes, I'm alive - surprising, I know. For those still following: thanks for your patience. I don't even want to look up how long it's been since my last update. *Urk*

 

I've had a few reviews now stating people have found errors in the fic. If you feel like it point `em out - it drives me batty knowing I have problems dangling out there. Other than that I'm thrilled you still enjoyed the story despite the problems ^_^

 

Oh yes, and as one person asked, I'm now expecting the story to be about 25 chapters long, unless I decide to add the optional extra bit to the ending that'll be another couple chapters.

 

Again, much thanks to Akihana for going over this chapter a couple times, especially as I got her during finals.