InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Solace ❯ Numb ( Chapter 2 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Title: Solace
Author: Eloy Brightdreamer
Rating: R
Genre: Angst/Romance
Summary: After a terrible tragedy strikes, how will Inuyasha and Kouga cope?
Warnings:
1. YAOI! This means romance and/or implied sex involving two male characters. Don't like it? Bug off! I will not tolerate flames from people who just don't like yaoi. No one's forcing you to read this. Consider yourself warned.
2. Character death.

Many thanks to my wonderful betareaders, Aria and Himiko! Also, thanks to FireCatRich for fanart and prodding. Finally, thanks to BJ for continually bugging me for snippets and updates!

*************************************

Chapter 2: Numb

Kouga lay listlessly on the futon, his face to the wall. He tried to keep his mind blank, for if he let it wander, it invariably replayed the tragic scenes of a few weeks ago: the death of the last of his men; Kagome's heroic sacrifice, pulling the demon Naraku's soul into the Shikon no Tama along with her own.

Kouga squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at his head. It was bad enough that he had to see her death in his dreams. If only he could avoid it while he was awake!

The past few weeks had been a living hell for the wolf prince. Or had it been months? He really couldn't remember anymore. Once he had recalled Kagome's death, and discovered that he'd lost the use of his legs, all he had wanted to do was die. In his immobile state, he couldn't even leave to take his own life. He'd tried not eating, but the old miko who was caring for him threatened to pour broth down his throat while he slept. After awakening several times with an odd taste in his mouth, he suspected she'd been making good on her threat, so he relented and began to eat what was offered. Regaining his strength was important, he supposed, if he were ever to get back on his feet. The damned numbness in his legs and back persisted, however, even after the priest and demon-slayer had brought back the healing herbs a few days after the big battle...

Argh, now he was thinking about it again. As usual, he felt a sick ache in his chest that refused to go away easily. Kouga took a deep breath, willing himself to forget and wishing that his heart could be as numb as his legs at the moment.

Sometimes he felt like crying, screaming, letting all these pent-up emotions out; but he felt certain that he'd go mad or lose himself in the grief. He had no one... no one to comfort him, no one to hold on to, no one who would pull him back from drowning in the rising tide of anguish.

No. There was no use in thinking that way. Much better to push the feelings away, and bury them deep. It was funny-usually Kouga had no trouble expressing his emotions. Love, anger, pride, joy-all flowed easily from him. But he'd never felt anything like this. Oh, it was similar to when his tribe had been nearly wiped out by that wind-witch Kagura-but back then, he had an outlet for his grief and rage, a target toward which he could direct his revenge. Now, there was no enemy, nothing to be done but lie in bed and wait for either death or healing.

Besides, he couldn't lose control in front of Inuyasha. Turning his head slightly, he glimpsed a bit of red out of the corner of his eye. Sure enough, the hanyou was sitting against the far wall, his head bowed over Tetsusaiga, seemingly asleep. Not for the first time, Kouga wondered why Inuyasha stayed around. His wounds were healed, he had no reason to remain at the village; yet nearly every time he looked, the boy was there, either sleeping or sitting quietly in the corner, just watching. Kouga had been tempted to pick a fight with him, just to get some of the pent-up anger out of his system, but what was worth fighting about anymore? Now that Kagome...

Kouga swallowed hard and pushed himself up on his elbows, as much to distract himself from his thoughts as to follow his daily ritual. As he did every day, he stared down at his useless legs, willing them to move. Come on, dammit! he yelled internally, his teeth clenched hard enough to give him the beginnings of a headache. But, as usual, nothing happened.

The wolf caught himself before he could sigh in defeat. This was the one thing he couldn't give up on, not yet. He tried again, putting all his formidable strength of will into this one deceptively simple task. Just a bit... move your leg... your foot... your toe... anything...

He was just about to call it quits for now and lie down when he felt it-a twitch, nothing more, jerking his left foot a few inches to the side. He gasped, then glanced quickly to see if Inuyasha had heard him. The hanyou's face was hidden by the cascade of his silver hair, and if he'd heard Kouga's soft cry, he made no sign.

Turning his attention back to his legs, Kouga tried to determine what had happened. He hadn't imagined it, had he? No, his left foot had definitely moved, albeit not very far. Setting his teeth, he tried once more to move. For what seemed like hours, he simply laid there and trembled faintly, beginning to feel the strain of trying to move the invisible boulders resting on his lower body. But he had to do this... had to prove that it hadn't been a fluke. It was several eternal minutes before anything happened, but this time, his whole leg moved, accompanied by a hot pain spiking through Kouga's back. Choking down a cry, the wolf prince fell back onto the pillow. He lay there for a moment, breathing deeply until the pain subsided. Looking furtively over at Inuyasha, Kouga noted with no small measure of relief that his rival still hadn't moved.

Kouga desperately wanted to try moving his legs again, but he found his eyelids slipping closed against his will. He felt as though he'd been running for hours. But even as he succumbed to the inexorable pull of sleep, he did so with a tiny glimmer of hope in his heart.

Inuyasha peered from under his bangs at the now-still form of the wolf prince, allowing himself a quiet sigh of relief. He'd witnessed the whole ordeal, and was secretly glad that Kouga seemed to be finally starting to recover. Though he'd been somewhat keeping watch over his former rival, he would not think of offering assistance. Even if he'd had the inclination to do so, his help would surely be refused.

The hanyou had reason to want Kouga back on his feet soon. It was the same reason why he still remained at this village, even though every little thing brought back painful memories of both his loves: Kagome and Kikyou. Over the past several weeks, the little town had been subjected to increasingly frequent youkai attacks. Apparently, they were all after one thing: the Shikon no Tama. The sacred jewel now held even more power than before, having the souls of both Naraku and Kagome trapped within it, as well as Midoriko and her own ultimate demon adversary. The thing was now like a youkai magnet, despite the wards that had been placed on its shrine by Miroku and Kaede.

So far, Inuyasha had been able to fight off all the attacks, with Miroku and Sango's help. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to count on those two forever. Strong as they were, they were only human, after all. Though Inuyasha had oftentimes relied on their support, he also realized that the monk and demon-slayer were concerned about more than just protecting the village. The two had been married not long after the final battle with Naraku, and from the recent change in Sango's scent, Inuyasha would tell that they were on their way to the family of "ten or twenty" that they had planned. Also, they had unofficially adopted Shippou soon after their wedding. The little kitsune had been nearly inconsolable after the battle, and had seen the two as surrogate parents now that his mother-figure was gone.

Inuyasha felt a momentary pang of jealousy as he thought of the small family. They'd had each other to turn to for comfort after the tragedy, while he...

He shook his head quickly. There was no point in wallowing in self-pity. He was happy for Miroku and Sango, and he... he would survive, as he always had. He didn't need anyone... never had. Letting someone into his life was only an invitation to heartbreak, and he only hoped his friends would avoid the fate that he'd suffered twice in his life.

Suddenly, Inuyasha's ears pricked up and his nose twitched. Another youkai was approaching the village. Moving quietly so as not to wake Kouga, he stole out of the house, drawing Tetsusaiga as he went. He was grateful for the distraction.

Kouga leaned heavily against the rough-hewn outer wall of a random house, clenching his teeth against the pain. He felt splinters digging into his shoulder, but couldn't muster the strength to push away just yet. A cool wind whipped around the building, drying the sweat on his skin and making him shiver slightly. At the moment, he wanted nothing more than to fall down in his tracks and sleep for hours, but he was determined to complete his stumbling walk around the village. A flash of lightning lit up the night, and the wolf glared up at the sky as if daring it to rain and make things even harder on him.

After steeling himself, Kouga pushed off from the meager support of the wall and took a few halting steps toward the next house. Tonight would be the night, he decided. He would make it all the way around the outskirts of the village and back to Kaede's hut. He'd come close, other nights, but each time the pain would overwhelm him or his legs would go completely numb, and he would fall to the ground, forced to crawl in humiliation back to his temporary home.

Another bolt crackled across the sky, and Kouga felt a few drops of water splash on his bare arms. He hoped desperately that no one would come outside to look at the incoming storm, as he didn't want anyone to see him in this weak state, stumbling from house to house like a pup who was just learning to walk.

Reaching the relative safety of the next house, Kouga stretched one hand out to support himself as he caught his breath. The rain had begun to fall in earnest now, and he lifted his face to curse at the treacherous sky. As he did so, the lightning strobed again, and he saw a flash of red and silver out of the corner of his eye. He whipped his head around, but it was gone at the next pulse of light.

The wolf prince straightened his back and shoved away from the wall. If Inuyasha had indeed been watching him, that only made him all the more determined. Kaede's hut was close... he figured he could make the distance, even if he avoided touching the other houses. It was further than he'd been walking, but there was no way in all the hells that he'd let the mutt-face see him fall. He felt the familiar, dreaded numbness creeping up his legs as he stumbled the last few feet, barely making it up the steps to the door before he collapsed. In pain but victorious, he dragged himself the short distance to his pallet and fell immediately into a deep, blessedly dreamless sleep.

As the weeks went by, Kouga found that the pain in his heart slowly became easier to bear. Perhaps he was becoming numb to it, or perhaps it had something to do with the fact that he had something else on which to concentrate. Regaining the use of his legs had not been an easy undertaking, and the wolf prince fell into bed each night in agony, too exhausted to even dream. Recently, he'd attempted running again, though he had to bite his lip to keep from screaming at the sharp agony lancing through his back and legs. But he was determined to get his strength back as soon as possible, so he could get out of this village and away from... everyone.

He'd realized eventually why Inuyasha was staying around. Had the hanyou really thought he could hide the fact that numerous youkai had been attacking? Kouga figured it wouldn't be his problem for much longer anyway, as he planned on leaving this place as soon as he was healed enough to defend himself. So, he didn't bring up the subject, and Inuyasha hadn't volunteered any new information, so they both left the matter silent. Actually, they hadn't talked much at all.

Kouga knew that the other was still watching him, observing his recovery, but he ignored the hanyou as much as he could. It was enough that Inuyasha had seen him wounded and helpless. He would do this on his own, without giving his rival the satisfaction of seeing more weakness.

Which brought Kouga to where he was today, running at a fairly slow pace through the trees outside the village. There was something he still had to do here, something he couldn't leave without seeing, despite the sick feeling that twisted in his stomach as he approached it.

Kouga tried to concentrate on the sensations of running, rather than his destination. A warm summer wind tugged playfully at his ponytail and caressed his skin, causing him to break out in a light sweat. Yet the loam underfoot was cool from the shade of the trees, and slightly damp from the remainder of a shower earlier that morning. The afternoon sun glared brightly through the gaps in the leaves, causing the wolf prince to squint intermittently. He inhaled deeply, catching the scent of warm earth and wildflowers.

It was the smell of the blossoms that led him to the clearing. Much of the ground and surrounding forest was scarred and blackened, but a hardy breed of flower had stubbornly taken root there. Patches of white and green dotted the cratered earth, Nature's blanket covering the death. Kouga's eyes followed a particularly thick path of color, finally coming to rest where the blooms gathered in a cluster around of petite stone feet.

Kouga moved slowly, almost reverently into the clearing. He barely glanced at the statue that was Naraku, offhandedly noting that no flowers grew at its base. Stumbling toward Kagome's frozen form, he could barely breathe under the oppressive weight of the place. It wasn't just from the heat that made the flowers seem to shimmer in the afternoon sun-no, this was something else entirely, an almost physical presence that forced to the surface the pain that Kouga had been repressing. Gazing up at Kagome's unmoving, benevolent face, Kouga fell to his knees and reached his hand toward her still form. "Gods... Kagome..." he choked, then doubled over, wrapping one arm around his stomach and resting his head on the other as the pain morphed into a near-tangible demon attempting to claw its way out of his gut. His fingers dug into the ground, carving gashes in the soft earth and crushing flowers and greenery into a fragrant pulp. Gasping for breath, he struggled to hold back his emotions even as he felt the edge of madness approach. He couldn't contain it, couldn't bear it, could only hope to hold on...

Kouga didn't know how long he'd been huddled there when he suddenly sensed a presence behind him. He didn't need to raise his head to tell who was there-he could have guessed even if the light breeze hadn't carried the person's scent to him.

"Go away, dog-crap," he growled, knowing that Inuyasha's sensitive hearing would be able to pick up the low words.

He heard muffled footsteps approach, then a voice from close behind him. "What are you doing here, wimpy wolf?"

Kouga lifted his head slightly and bared his teeth in the other's direction. The sun was directly behind Inuyasha's head, causing the wolf to squint in order to see the silver hair and red clothing. "None of your damn business. Leave me alone."

The hanyou didn't reply, but he also made no move to leave. Kouga felt his pain start to give way to anger, and in a way, he was relieved. He could deal with anger. And a fight-a real one-with his rival might be just the thing he needed right now. It could be a way to escape the heartache... maybe even forever...

His mind made up, Kouga got to his feet and fixed the hanyou with an angry stare. "This is all your fault," he accused through clenched teeth.

Inuyasha stepped backward as though he'd been struck. "What did you say?"

"You heard me. It's your fault that Kagome died." Seeing the other's eyes flash with anger, the wolf prince pushed on. "This never would've happened if she'd been with me. I would've protected..." he was interrupted by Inuyasha's fist meeting his jaw. He flew backward several meters before flipping around to land in a defensive crouch. He felt a small twinge in his back, but he ignored it. Swiping a bit of blood off his mouth with the back of his hand, Kouga forced himself to smirk at his opponent. "Keh. Weak. No wonder you couldn't defend her."

"Shut up!" Inuyasha snarled, lunging at the wolf with his clawed hand outstretched. "Sankon Tessou!"

Kouga easily rolled out of the way, noting with some annoyance that the hanyou didn't seem to be fighting at full strength. Well, I'll just have to make him angrier, then... he thought, aiming a spinning kick at the other's head. I've gotta get him to fight for real. Inuyasha blocked the kick, and the two fell into their accustomed fighting stances, circling each other warily.

Deciding that he needed to push the other man further, Kouga curled his lip in a derogatory sneer. "I bet you never felt anything for her at all."

"Shut up!" Inuyasha repeated, swinging his fist again. "It's none of your fucking business!"

Kouga dodged the punch, then landed a kick to Inuyasha's stomach that sent the hanyou tumbling backwards. When his adversary had regained his feet, the wolf youkai continued his goading. "She was nothing more than a shard detector to you, was she? You never loved her!"

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed, and Kouga knew he'd struck a raw nerve when the other unsheathed his sword, immediately transforming it into its larger, more lethal form. Yes, that's it, that's what I want. Fight me for real, now, and end this...

"You're asking for it for now, wolf," the dog-boy ground out through clenched teeth. He aimed a horizontal stroke at the other's head, which Kouga ducked underneath, stumbling slightly. Leaping into the air, Inuyasha raised his sword over his head in preparation to strike his rival as he regained his footing.

To Be Continued...