InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Suffer The Fray ❯ Better Left Unsaid ( Chapter 16 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I hold no claim to InuYasha...Rumiko Takahashi does. Bummer.

A/N: Reviewer Acknowledgements- I know you're wondering where your name is if you know to look here. Don't worry. I didn't forget any of you. It's just the opposite, in fact. It occurred to me that just mentioning the names of the people that inspire me to continue writing just didn't seem fair. I don't know, but it just feels kinda arrogant of me to just say, 'Hey, thanks', all the time. From now on, at the end of each chapter I'll leave a personalized response to each person that leaves me a review from the previous chapter. So, if you left me a review, check out the ending Author's Note to get individual thanks. Whew, now I feel heaps better. Read on and enjoy.

Reux

"I never thought that being a lying coward would be one of them."

Kagome jerked the needle through the stitch. Lying coward, am I? She pulled the thread taunt and dipped her hand to slide the needle into the tear, pulling it shut. Her jaw clenched with frustration. I hate to admit this, but you were right Inuyasha. Her hand stilled mid-swoop and dropped to rest on her thigh. I was a coward.

Sighing, she resumed mending his fire-rat haori. The original reason she'd joined up with Inuyasha was rectify a mistake. Fracturing the Shikon no Tama had been unintentional, but it was her duty- passed down from Kikyo- to protect the jewel. And continuing with that theme, she had needed protection while on that search. That, in turn, led to meeting Miroku and his knowledge of a youkai named Naraku. The search for shards and the hunt for Naraku eventually merged into a single quest, especially when Sango signed on. And while the youkai had committed such grievous atrocities to her new found friends, she, herself, had not been the victim of his malevolence. Instead, she sought him out to right the wrongs afflicting her dearest friends

Although, by now the countless attempts at her life gave her reason enough to seek revenge. Which, of course, stemmed from my link to Kikyo. Kagome's deft hands stitched the tear closed and she held it up to study her work critically. The repair was strong, flexible, and seamless. Slipping to her feet, Kagome carefully folded the cloth and held it tightly against her chest. She started away from the quiet niche she'd separated herself to and picked her way past the small camp Sango and Miroku had set up for the duration. The couple was sitting side by side, her feet lying in his lap. Kagome vaguely noticed his hands massaging her limbs.

I'm not a coward with my friends at my side. Not once had she been hesitant to accompany her companions in a battle to the death. In many cases it had been her hand that had been the deciding factor. They all trusted each other with their lives and that cognizance allowed them to fight without fear. Kagome smiled ruefully and lifted the crimson bundle to her nose, inhaling the heady, masculine redolence. Her restive nerves unwound and she smirked sagely. But all on my own, I was petrified of what would happen if I lost. Kagome clenched her fingers in Inuyasha's haori. She'd been too afraid to fight for her heart and that trepidation of rejection had jaded her view of Inuyasha. She was so desperate for his love that her mind had been convinced it was impossible to take away from Kikyo.

That despairing sentiment had made her doubt Inuyasha and the bond they shared. I was so stupid.

"Kagome?"

"Huh?!" The raven-haired girl jumped. "What?!"

Sango gazed over at her quizzically. "Are you alright?"

Kagome jerked the red haori away from her face and laughed nervously. "Uh...why do you ask?"

"Because you don't look alright."

Her false grin faltered. "Oh, well..." She rubbed the cloth between her fingers, relishing the silken texture. "I've got a lot on my mind."

"I'm sure you do." Sango pulled away from her silent husband and stood up. She stepped up beside her with a sisterly smile. "Inuyasha, right?"

Kagome met her vivid violet eyes shyly. "Guilty as charged."

"That's to be expected." She gripped her hand reassuringly around her friend's. "With what happened and all." She tipped her head with concern. "Is that still bothering you a lot?"

Kagome sighed. "It's been close to a week. I hope I'm adult enough to handle it."

Sango gave her a skeptical look. "Need I remind you I was there?"

"No, you don't. I know all too well that all of you had a front row seat to that-" Kagome groped for a word. "Evisceration."

The youkai-taijiya looked pained. "If I had any idea what he was going to do, I swear I would've stopped him."

"And I would've stopped you."

Sango turned and frowned at the Houshi. "Miroku?"

Kagome eyed him carefully. "You must have been the only one enjoying it. Even Inuyasha had the decency to seem contrite."

Miroku continued to sit serenely. "I never said I agreed with his methods, but I believe Inuyasha was justified in his actions."

Sango was outraged. "How can you say that?!"

Kagome gripped her shoulder. "Its okay, Sango. Don't be angry with him. I agree with at least part of what he's saying."

The other woman oozed confusion. "I...I don't understand."

"Inuyasha was deeply pained when Kagome left to her own time and refused to return until it was absolutely necessary." Miroku opened his dark, gray-blue eyes, staring straight at the girl he was speaking of. "And what does Inuyasha do when he's hurt?"

His curt tone had her hanging her head with intense shame. Chastised again. "He lashes out." She whirled away from them and hugged the haori.

Sango watched her helplessly. She had no idea what to do for her. Miroku's words needled her and festered into a scathing rage. Darting cold eyes to his, she crossed her arms to contain them. "I don't care if you take his side, but don't you dare take a vituperate tone with her. I may have done the same thing if I was in her position, and it still doesn't excuse the fact that he was needlessly cruel."

"I was just stating that Inuyasha wasn't wrong to let her understand how he's felt all this time." He used his Shakujo to help himself up.

"Then I'll probably never be able to make this right." Kagome gazed at them with swimming umber eyes.

Sango slipped her arms around her and hugged her tightly. "No, Kagome." She pulled back and brushed her bands aside, holding her face gently. "Everyone makes mistakes, especially in matters of the heart, but if you give up there's a chance you'll lose him forever." She smiled warmly at the closest person she had to a sister. "You love him, right?"

Kagome nodded tearfully. "Yes."

"Then don't give up." She set her away, hands gripping her slim shoulders supportively. "You fight for that love and don't take no for an answer."

Kagome laughed despite her tears. "You're one of a kind, Sango. I'd be lost without you."

Miroku watched the exchange and was taken by surprise. He hadn't thought Kagome could sound so agonizingly bleak- and Sango so vehement. He still didn't fully understand what had just happened, but surmised it was just the alien way of females. He held out his hand. "Kagome, I-"

Sango turned her infamous glare at him, effectively moving him back a few steps. "You've said quite enough, Miroku."

The Houshi sidled close enough to grasp each of their elbows. "I didn't mean to upset either of you."

His wife jerked her arm away. "Enough, Miroku."

Kagome stopped her from storming off. "I don't want to cause tension between you two."

"Oh no, Kagome." The slightly taller woman withdrew into herself. "I'm simply expressing disapproval of my husband's actions. It has nothing to do with our opinions of your situation. That's a totally separate issue."

Miroku sighed. "You don't have to worry about me, Kagome."

The twenty-one year old just shook her head. "Well, I can't help it!" She motioned with her hands exasperatedly, flapping the haori like a matador. "I hate when people fight. I want them all to be ridiculously happy all the time, especially people I care about." Her voice lost all its punch by now as she gazed at the ground lost in thought. Kagome glanced at the waving fabric in her hand. "It's so laughable."

He frowned. "What is?"

"How paramount it is to me that everyone should be going about their lives in a state of constant bliss." Her refined features were drawn tight with acrid insight. "A desire like that isn't realistic. Life isn't that picture perfect."

Sango finally turned to face the two of them. "I learned that a long time ago." She leaned her head back, hair flowing loose behind her as she watched the clouds. "Even so, it still doesn't stop me from wanting a happy, successful life."

"It is virtuous of you to wish that, Kagome, even if it isn't always feasible." Miroku shifted his Shakujo, tinkling the rings.

She waved her free hand at him. "Stop with the compliments already. I told you I'm not angry with you. I realized after stewing for a few days that his words were true once I got past how much they stung."

"You're not a coward, Kagome." Sango snatched the miko's hand, haori included. "You're the most honest and courageous person I know."

Kagome bit her lip. "Not when it comes to Inuyasha."

Her elegant brows furrowed and Miroku stepped closer. "What do you mean?"

She laughed tensely. "I won't go into any details- sorry- but I didn't allow him the chance to have a say because I was scared it would be too painful to bear." She shrugged. "I was sure that all my feelings were one-sided."

"You've never been this open before. Why the sudden change?"

Kagome looked over at Miroku. "I can't keep it inside me anymore. It's been poisoning me for five years and I'll go insane if I don't get it off my chest."

"Then by all means, speak."

She opened her mouth, but pursed her lips when nothing to come out. "I don't know where to start."

Sango grasped her elbow and steered her to the log she'd shared with Miroku earlier. "I have a question first."

Kagome grimaced as she tugged on her arm, pulling her down next to her. "My shoulder..."

"Oh no!" Sango gasped. "I'm so sorry! I totally forgot about that!"

"So did I." Miroku scratched his Kazana absently. "You seemed so able that it slipped my mind you're still injured."

"Relax; it only aches when I stretch the muscles. I'm fine." She turned back to Sango. "You had a question?"

She nodded. "Why didn't you tell Inuyasha all this?"

"There in lies the irony." She smirked and laughed softly. "The real reason I was out in the woods was so I could figure out what to say. My thoughts and feelings were all jumbled together and I needed to clear my head. I was still trying to fully comprehend why I ran when Inuyasha called me out on it."

"But Kagome, five years have gone by." The Houshi settled down next to his wife. "Surely you're not just confronting these emotions now?"

"Would I really ruin you image of perfection if I told you I tried to smother them first?"

Inuyasha watched Shippo bounce around on the back of Kagome's horse as he raced Kirara. The enormous cat flew alongside the duo, flames rippling from her charcoal black paws. The kit was laughing excitedly, urging on the seemingly tireless warhorse. And while he thought the creature was absolutely useless, Shippo found him to be highly amusing. He snorted and rested his head back against the tree's trunk. Its not like it's hard, just about everything amuses him.

Although, an hour ago he wouldn't have said the fox-youkai was incapable of even a sarcastic comment.

During their daily sparring session, Shippo had worn the same mask of seriousness he'd expressed in each of the days prior. Nothing he did or said influenced it to change, except maybe to grimace when he was bested- which was quickly becoming less and less often. As he progressed, Inuyasha found himself torn between his pride and his disappointment. Shippo was proving himself to be a very sharp and apt pupil, but neither one of them was enjoying themselves anymore. In the past he may have been disinclined to admit it, but he thoroughly enjoyed the teasing banter between them.

Shippo had revoked that privilege the second he'd ordered him away from Kagome. And he had only compounded the kit's hatred further by mercilessly degrading her in front of his eyes. He would probably never call her by that title, but he had witnessed his 'mother' being crushed by his esteemed mentor and sensei. Inuyasha could hardly blame him for it. He knew those stinging emotions well. I remember seeing my mother subject to such ridicule too, though I'd never stoop as low as to call Kagome a whore.

But to Shippo he might as well have.

Scrubbing his clawed hands over his face, he sat up and swung around so his legs dangled off the stout branch he'd chosen to nap on. Gazing down at the frolicking trio, he smiled grimly. I don't like it anymore than you do, Shippo. Inuyasha pushed himself off the branch and dropped noiselessly to the ground. The sun was moving past the early afternoon and closer to the evening. He needed to get back to the camp if he wanted to get going again. Instead of the usual dawn-until-dusk routine, they had decided to have breaks at noon in between two longer treks. It had been more like he'd decided and the others just agreed, but it was just as well.

No one had been speaking to him at the time.

Miroku had been the first to warm back up to him and with the Houshi's urging, Sango had grudgingly joined in. Shippo had followed close behind with varying clipped versions of 'Yes, sir.' The one that still adamantly refused to utter a single syllable to him was Kagome and she was justified in her actions. And by the venomous looks she gifted him with; he was baffled as to why he wasn't nursing a busted nose. His behavior should have earned nearly one hundred 'Osuwari' commands in the Kagome-of-Old's book, but he found himself surprisingly unscathed. It made him wonder if she was hiding something much more sinister up her sleeve.

His ears flicked absentmindedly as he yawned, stretching his arms above his head and delighting in the burning tingle of his sleepy muscles. Stepping back onto the meandering trail, he headed back towards the tension-laden camp. He didn't bother to alert Kirara or Shippo. One of them would eventually notice his absence and return to the camp. Strolling along, he made his way back up the hillside and gazed down into the grove where the others were resting.

Cresting the hill, Inuyasha caught sight of the three of them deep in conversation. Bashing me, no doubt. His eyesight was razor sharp and he used it to observe Kagome. Her thick black hair was once again constrained in its long braid and she was dressed even more bizarrely than he'd even seen before. The white haori Kaede had given her had been ruined by the bloodstains, but Kagome hadn't wanted it to be discarded. Instead, she removed the stained right half and replaced it with the leftover excess from Sango's last payment as a youkai-taijiya- a brilliant, lime green kimono. In only a few hours the miko had created a two-tone haori of bright green and white.

It wasn't really the haori that bothered him, but what she wore below the waist. She had refused to wear the hakama and asked for a pair of leggings instead. Sango gave her a pair in black and Kagome had emerged from her room in her custom-made haori, tied up around her waist, and what he knew she called 'jeans' over the leggings. And due to their shredded nature, the torn denim flashed black through every rip and tear. The combination was so snug it seemed as though they were painted on her long, elegant legs. The effect was stronger than he anticipated, making him fervently wish for the skirt she'd sported years earlier. By hiding what he wanted to see, it made him only desire it more.

A swift wind pelted him as he stood at the top of the hill and pervaded the thin material of his kosode. He glanced down in surprise when he shivered, remembering that he'd given his haori to Kagome before he'd left. Returning his golden gaze to the girl below, he watched her wring the fire-rat cloth in her hands as Sango dragged her towards a log. He'd been almost positive she would've said something the way she'd stormed up to him the moment they halted for the noon camp. Her face had been set and he had merely blinked into her stern features with surprise. At least until she hooked one long finger into his torn haori and he realized she was making good on her word to repair it.

Watching her walk away silently, he knew he could expect nothing less from his Kagome.

Inuyasha reached up and scratched his right ear. My Kagome? He watched her bundle his jacket against her chest and sit down beside Sango. Inuyasha started down the hill without consciously knowing it, catching her scent on the wind the closer he got. She looked like his Kagome and she certainly smelled like her, but was she really his? And if she had been before, was she still his after what he'd done to her? He came to a standstill next to a large tree on the outskirts of the camp when his keen hearing caught their conversation.

"...didn't you tell Inuyasha all this?"

"There in lies the irony. The real reason I was out in the woods was so I could figure out what to say. My thoughts and feelings were all jumbled together and I needed to clear my head. I was still trying to fully comprehend why I ran when Inuyasha called me out on it."

"But Kagome, five years have gone by. Surely you're not just confronting these emotions now?"

Inuyasha ducked against the tree trunk and nodded in agreement with Miroku's question.

"Would I really ruin your image of imperfection if I told you I tried to smother them first?"

Sango sounded shocked. "Smother them?"

"Yeah. I tried to bury them deep inside and lock them away. The emotions I was feeling were so formidable I thought they would consume me." Her voice was quiet in the breeze.

Miroku smiled in response. "That's what love will do to you."

"But it wasn't just love!"

Kagome's heated outburst had them all jumping, including the Inu-hanyou eavesdropping behind the tree. Sango touched her arm tentatively. "Kagome..."

The miko shot off the log and started to pace. "Of course love was one of them, but if I'm going to be totally honest, so was the fear and self-pity." She threw her empty hand out and slapped her thigh with irritation. "And I only pitied myself because I was envious of Kikyo. I hated myself for feeling like that, and I cursed the way I felt for Inuyasha because it was the cause, even though it wasn't his fault."

Inuyasha held up his hands and stared at them. She hated me? But she told me she loved me when she left! Instead of growling, he clenched his hands into tense fists. I don't fucking get it!

"That's why," She continued. "I decided to leave. I thought that if I got away from it for awhile, my inner-turmoil would just relax." Her voice softened to a whisper he could barely hear. "They didn't. If anything, they got worse. It was that realization that had me trying to smother them into non-existence."

Miroku decided to ask the question all of them were thinking. "What did you do?"

Kagome spoke thoughtfully. "At first I stayed as far away from things that reminded me of him- like the Goshinboku Tree." She laughed. "Just glancing at it could make me cry for hours." Clearing her throat, she took a deep breath. "Then I immersed myself in school work and training. The work load kept me too busy and too tired to even briefly think about all my issues."

"I don't see how that's so bad." Sango looked over at Miroku, who just nodded in agreement.

"Oh, believe me. It gets worse."

Inuyasha's ears twitched as her hiking boots shuffled through the dirt and it sounded like she was coming right at him. Pressing himself tightly against the tree, he held his breath and waited. He wasn't entirely sure what was making him hide from her, but he was willing to bet it had something to do with what she was about to confess.

Confess?

He scowled. It's not like she's a common criminal or something. She flopped against the opposite side of his tree and sighed. The sun had sunk low enough in the sky to cast her shadow across the path adjacent the tree. Her profile was down-turned like she was staring at the ground and her right foot was propped against the tree so her leg was bent. She was rolling his haori in her hands nervously.

"Well, I don't think it could possibly make the situation any direr than it already is, so why not just tell us?"

Kagome snorted. "You're such a gossip, Miroku. You put my friends back home to shame."

He sputtered. "I...well, I...I was just..."

Sango elbowed him in the side and chuckled. "No, you're just nosier than it's healthy to be."

Inuyasha could hear the smile in Kagome's voice. "It's alright. I don't mind really, and I guess it would be better to tell you two rather than Inuyasha. Knowing him, if he found out about this, it would probably hamper any chance of repairing our already crumbling relationship."

The hanyou flattened against the tree and tried to suppress the mad racing of his heart. The apprehension suffocating him had him pressing his eyes shut in agreement. No, I don't want to know. Kagome's usually right about these kinds of things. And yet he found himself rooted in place and cursing the gods for it. Deep down there was a very small masochistic side of him that couldn't leave without hearing what she had to say. It had him straining to catch every single nuance of sound coming from the camp. All he could do was hold his breath.

Kagome released a resigned sigh. "Eventually even all that work slowed down and the feelings came back. For as long as I've known Inuyasha, there was a guy back home that hounded me to be his girlfriend. I ignored him awhile, until one day the thought occurred to me that Hojo might help me forget."

Sango sounded bleak. "Forget what?"

Kagome ignored her. "He asked me out the day I graduated high school and I agreed."

Miroku frowned. "But Kagome, you didn't...oh, boy." He leapt up to his feet, face stricken.

"What? Miroku, what's-" Kagome shot away from the tree at the sound of rustling cloth and reeled to face one silver-haired, dog-eared hanyou. "Inuyasha..."

The Inu-hanyou stepped out from where he'd concealed himself, the rolled-up sleeves of his kosode exposing the jumping muscles of his corded arms. His head was tilted forward, hiding his eyes, and giving her a bird's eye view of his rage-flattened ears. She could visibly see him shaking and knew he wasn't in control of himself like the last time. She jumped when he spoke, grinding the words out from between clenched teeth. "You never did answer Sango." He lifted his head, amber eyes flashing painfully. "What exactly were you trying to forget?"

A/N: Here are the real acknowledgements-

blackr0s3: Thanks so much for the gushing compliments. I'm glad I don't have a block anymore either...cuz, wouldn't that just stink? Hope you enjoyed the update.

unistar: You are very welcome. Things are getting complicated, aren't they? Sometimes I get confused and I'm the one writing this thing! Hehe...thank you for the review.

Koolkat191: So, how'd you like seeing the gang again? I hope this was up to par with your expectations. Thanks so much!

Cynbad146: I can't say how much I love reading your reviews! To tell the truth, I have to say you are the most personable reviewer I've had...and one of the most faithful. You're able to pick up on the points I try to get across and that means a lot. Your enthusiasm and encouragement are so inspiring. Basically, I'd take one review like yours over a hundred 'loved it, update soon' ones. Thanks for them all, my friend.

sweetkijo: Yep, who wouldn't like him? Thanks for all the lovely compliments.

Comments from the peanut gallery are warmly welcomed. XD.