InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Closet ❯ 101 Ways to Annoy, Harass, Confuse or Generally Scare Lord Sessoumaru [Or: Sure-fire Ways to Get You ( Chapter 12 )

101 Ways to Annoy, Confuse, Harass

Or Generally Scare Lord Sessoumaru

[Or: Sure-Fire ways to get yourself killed. (Or At Least Claw-WhackedRound the Block and Back Again)]

(Title is not original. It is the creation of Amanda Lack, posted on MuggleNet.com with two minor changes. No suing me!)

Hey! It's me, back again! I'm finally updating! Now, for some vury important business; if no one reviews, the fic stops. I want reviews people! Now, for the fic!

~*~UberAuth-

I'm stopping you there before you cause any damage. FIC!

*Sessoumaru's alive. Let's face it, Inu's world just isn't as exciting without that flamboyant supermodel in disguise. So, as the story goes, or at least this one does, the last real storyline was in Chapter 10. The gang (oh yeah, if you have any cool ideas for a name for the Inu gang, e-mail me at Kagome_The_Little_Ally_Of_Justice@hotmail.com!) just met Kirasendo, Naraku's brother and, technically, Onigumo's brother, too. If you were confused last non-revengificationified chapter don't feel too bad. So was I. It still confuses me, even though I wrote it. Hee, hee, hee, here's the Kirasendo + Naraku + Onigumo = One Twisted Family for Dummies version.

When Onigumo called the demons to feast upon him (ew!) all of Kirasendo's family answered. Kirasendo's family formed Onigumo's new body. Therefore, since all of Kirasendo's family formed Naraku, he became Kirasendo's whole family in one convenient, low cholesterol, compact unit: Naraku's body. Also, since Onigumo's heart still "beats within Naraku" Onigumo is, technically, Kirasendo's brother as well. Well, that's it. If this has only confused you more, disregard everything I've said here and figure it out on your own. Sorry but that's the best I can do. Now to the actual storyline!

Okee dokee, now, Kirasendo is still with the gang. That's all you need for a setting.*

Shippo: *Raising his hand.* Okay, yeah, I'm a little confused.

Kagome: *Annoyed.* Shippo, that was a rhetorical question.

Kirasendo: *Confused.* Rhetorical? You suck! You're the first person to EVER confuse me! *Runs off to look up `rhetorical' in the dictionary.* This isn't over! You're gonna get yours, Benny! You hear me? You're gonna get yours!!

Inu-Yasha: *To Miroku:* Benny?

Kagome: SOMEONE watched "The Mummy" one too many times…

~Me~ *Raises hand.* Yeah, that was me.

~*~UberAuthor~*~ What? Purple-Monkey Dishwasher??

Sango: Ye-ah… So anyways…

Inu-Yasha: Umm… Right…

Kagome: *Screams*

Inu-Yasha: WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!

Kagome: Nothing. I just thought we could use some action in this storyline.

Inu-Yasha: What action?

Miroku: What storyline?

Sango: What thought?

Kagome: Shut-up.

Shippo: So… were we going somewhere?

Kirara: Mew? Mew-purr hiss mew-mew-meow? Meow-mew, mew-mew? *Translation: What? You guys really don't remember the ficnic? I mean, picnic?*

Shippo: Wait… was there a picnic involved?

Sango: I suppose that would explain the basket on my arm. *Gestures towards the pic-a-nic basket on her arm.*

Inu-Yasha: *Impatiently.* Whatever. Hand over the food. I'm starving.

*Inu-Yasha grabs the pic-a-nic basket from Sango, earning three swift whacks upside the head. Inu doles out the food as Kagome smoothes out the blanket for the gang to sit on. Everyone sits and digs in.*

Sango: *Angrily yet calmly to Miroku.* One inch further and you will be minus one hand.

*Miroku promptly removes the offending appendage and sits with his hands folded inside his sleeves. Sango whacks him upside his vury cute head and kisses him gently on the cheek. Obviously not used to such non-violent contact from a member of the opposite sex, Miroku's eyes become so glazed he's making me hungry for doughnuts… (That's from the Weekenders ;P). Kagome giggles, bewildering Inu-Yasha beyond belief. Shippo and Kirara steal everyone's bananas and watermelon.*

Sessoumaru: This behaviour makes me violently ill.

Inu-Yasha: Aw, man! And today was going so well!

Kagome: No it wasn't, what about Kirasendo?

Inu-Yasha: Shut-up.

Kagome: Sit.

Inu-Yasha: AAH!

Kagome: Shut-up.

Sessoumaru: *Gagging.* Please, stop.

Sango: Or we could just kill you.

Sessoumaru: HA! Even if you do I'll just come back! See? *Pulls out a small piece of paper the size of a credit card. Reads from it:* "Take the stupid test, flip this-oops! Wrong card! *Pulls out a new card and reads:* "One `Get-Out-of-Death-Free' Card. If the owner of this card should die they will be instantly revived and the card will disappear. Compliments of The Author."

Inu-Yasha: That means if we kill you once shame on us; if we kill you twice shame on you. You do realize that card only saves you ONCE, right?

Sessoumaru: Quiet, You. I am here on important business.

Kagome: What, going bulimic? With all that throwing up you'll be skinnier than a twig soon.

Sessoumaru: If you MUST know, my mother seems to still be alive so I am here looking for her. She said she'd be wearing a crown so I could easily spot her. And I'm NOT bulimic!! You people make me sick! Sick to the point of vomitination!

Sango: Sick as a dog?

Sessoumaru: Shut-up.

Kagome: Sit.

Inu-Yasha: AAH! Hey, what did I do?!

Kagome: You're so like your brother when he says shut-up…

Miroku: Hey, look! There's a woman wearing a crown! *Miroku points to an incredibly beautiful woman with a fluffy, little tail and Fluffy's good [?] looks standing between two large trees some 40 feet apart.* Will you bear my-ouch! Hey!

*Sango re-whacks the lecherous monk and pushes his indignant form into the bushes.*

Sessoumaru: Mommy??

Woman: Fluffy??

Sessoumaru: Do NOT call me "Fluffy"!!

Woman: Yup, that's you alright. I'm your mom. My name's Furyou. Um… there's something you need to know… I'm a Kitsune… *There's a small ~pop~ and a Fox Runt bearing an amazing resemblance to Shippo appears in front of Fluffy.*

Shippo: Mommy! It IS you! I haven't seen you in SO long!

Furyou: Shippo? Oh my goodness, it's wonderful to see you!

Shippo: Hold up-Sessoumaru's your son, too?? Hey! Cool, we're brothers! Wait-EW! We're BROTHERS!! Inu-Yasha, I'd much prefer YOU as my brother. At least you can give me girl advice.

Sessoumaru: HEY! Watch it!!

Shippo: Wait, I need to be sure you fit the requirements for older brother. *Shippo jumps onto Sessoumaru's head, much to the dog-fox's annoyance.* Yup. Nice, solid head. Are there rocks in there?

Inu-Yasha: Really? He's HARD-headed? I always thought he'd have a soft head. What, with him being an airhead and all.

Sessoumaru: Okay, you die!

Furyou: *Grabs Sessoumaru's chin before he has a chance to act. Pulls out a hankie and spits on it. Furyou begins wiping a spot on Fluffy's cheek.* There! Now you're all clean!

Sessoumaru: LUH-LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Furyou: But you still haven't met all of your brothers and sisters and aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grandparents… Hey, everyone! Come and meet Sessoumaru!

Sessoumaru: NO! I don't want to meet any more Kitsunes!!

*Over 5000 Shippo replicas come bounding out of the trees to greet Sessoumaru. Sessoumaru cowers in fear. Too-much-cuteness!!*

Shippo: FAMILY REUNION!!

*The 5000 strong Shippo clonoids `dog-pile' (forgive the pun) Fluffy as he begs for mercy, a way out, morphine… You name it, he probably asked for it.*

Inu-Yasha: *Amusedly to Kagome:* You know what this means don't you?

Kagome: No, what?

Inu-Yasha: *Grinning somewhat maliciously.* Fluffy's part runt.

*All present, excluding Kirara (`cause she can't), Fluffy (`cause he's too busy extricating himself from the mass of furry fluffballs) and Furyou (because she's too busy trying to wipe the war paint off Fluffy's face.) laugh hysterically.*

Kagome: Wait, hang on. I thought Shippo's parents were killed by the Thunder Brothers.

Inu-Yasha: Idiot. Only his father was killed. There was no mention of his mother.

Kagome: But, I thought-

Inu-Yasha: For the purposes of this conversation, there was no mention of Shippo's mother!

*Sessoumaru manages to remove himself from the pile of cuteness, with some minor battle scars, and begins loudly berating Furyou and all of his other relatives for flattening his fur. A deafening `pop' knocks Inu-Yasha off his feet and, seconds later, a sea of Fluffy's with small, Shippo-like tails stand before Sessoumaru, imitating his irate antics.*

Sessoumaru: *Obviously having a breakdown.* AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Get away from me!!! *Flees in terror.*

Kagome: *Sarcastically:* Well that was dignified.

*Gigglefitz all round as the gang watches Fluffy flee the scene. Furyou hugs Shippo.*

Furyou: Bai bai, Shippo! We've got to be going now. We have many more embarrassing moments to cause. We've been hired as Embarrassment Ninjas! We're working for this guy… Dr. Darken, or Drakken or… something…

Shippo: Cool, Mom! Sweet gig!!

Sango: Embarrassment… Ninjas…?

Miroku: Must be a Kitsune thing.

*Furyou and her relatives disappear the way they came and the gang sits down to lunch.*

Kagome: Okay, well, now that Sessoumaru's gone, who wants watermelon?

Inu-Yasha: *Blankly:* Wa… ter… mel… on…?

*Kagome giggles at Inu's bewilderment and hands him a slice of slowly dripping watermelon. Inu sniffs it gingerly and bites into the rind.*

Inu-Yasha: *Spitting it out.* Blech! This is supposed to be food?!

Kagome: *Giggles.* You're eating the wrong side. You're supposed to eat the red side.

Inu-Yasha: *Mutters.* So now she tells me. *Begins eating the red side.* Hey, this is good! *Steals the rest of the watermelon and gets whacked in the head by Kagome and Sango.* Hey! What was that for?!

Miroku: *Surprised by Inu's greater lack of perceptivity than usual.* Surely you're not that slow, Inu-Yasha. That's pathetic, even for you. You weren't sharing, therefore they hit you. It's not that hard to understand.

Inu-Yasha: *Angrily leaps to his feet.* Quiet, you! What makes you so smart?!

Miroku: *Pretending to put a great amount of thought into the response to Inu's query.* Well, firstly, I can read. Secondly, I can write. Thirdly, my intelligence far surpasses yours.

Sango: *Dryly:* Well, that would make you average at best if you only far surpass Inu-Yasha.

Inu-Yasha: *Rounding on Sango:* HEY! Just `cause I don't read that Ka… Kar… um, Kam… Kama… Sue… Soot… Sutr… Sutra, stuff like him doesn't mean I'm not smart. At least I have instincts!

Sango: *Horrified:* Kama…

Kagome: *Also horrified:* Sutra…?

Miroku: *Also horrified:* What?! I-no-I don't-I mean-I-I-it's not-Dastards!!

Shippo: *Confused:* Kama Sutra? What's that?

Inu-Yasha: *Realizing what "Kama Sutra" is:* MIROKU! YOU LECHER! Hmm, I guess you have instincts, too. Except yours are way different than mine!

Miroku: … Uh…

Shippo: What's Kama Sutra?

Kagome: *As a diversionary tactic:* Hey, look! The birds in that part of the forest are being scared off. *Points to a large flock of birds taking off from a nearby clump of trees.*

Sango: *Sarcastically:* Maybe Sessoumaru heard us talking about Kama Sutra and is coming to investigate.

Kagome: Well that didn't work.

Shippo: Who's Dewey?! I mean, what's Kama Sutra?!

Kohaku: *To Shippo:* You so do not want to know.

Shippo: *Mildly surprised:* Have you been here the whole time?

Kohaku: Yeah, I just haven't been saying anything.

Kagome: *Slightly annoyed:* Y'know, I wasn't kidding about the birds. There might be something wrong.

Inu-Yasha: *Also annoyed. With all this being annoyed business it's amazing that Inu and Kagome don't know they're perfect for each other, eh? Yeah, that was sarcasm.* Fine. Quit your whining; we'll go check it out.

*Kagome packs up the pic-a-nic basket and fastens it to the handlebars of her bicycle. The gang sets off for the offending part of the forest.*

Kagome: *Getting off the bike:* Hmm, everything seems fine.

Inu-Yasha: See? What'd I tell ya?

Kagome: Oh, be quiet! There could have been something!

Inu-Yasha: Well, there wasn't, was there?

Kagome: I thought I told you to shut up!

Inu-Yasha: And I thought I told you to sit down and ignore the birds, but noooooo. We had to come and investigate.

Kagome: Then why don't you sit-*Inu-Yasha's face connects painfully with the ground*-and ignore the birds?!

Kohaku: Y'know, when I signed on, I thought I'd be a bigger part of the story. I mean, I did kill Naraku, after all.

~Me~ Yeah, well, maybe something will happen regarding your defeat of Naraku with some undesirable side effects. *That was foreshadowing! ^_~ *

Kohaku: Awwiiiiiiight!! *Happily:* I'll be quiet then!

~Me~ Good, `cause I'm hungry. I'll be right back. I'm gonna get a sandwich. You guys carry on with the story. *Leaves to get a sandwich.*

Inu-Yasha: But, what does Kohaku not talking have anything to do with her being hungry?

Sango: Just give up like the rest of us. There's no reason or logic in her actions or thoughts.

~Me~ Too true. Oops! I'll be quiet, too!

Miroku: Anyways, I don't see anything here. Ii may have just been an animal. There's no point in lingering here.

Inu-Yasha: *Disbelievingly:* But-what about lunch?!

Kagome: Oh, just forget about your stomach! We should be moving on soon.

Sango: Kagome's right. Just because there is no danger here now doesn't mean that wasn't before, nor does it mean that there won't be later.

Usuke: Sango's right. I might come back later.

Kagome: Oh great, not another bad guy!

Usuke: Nope. But it's fun freaking you out!

Sango: Dastards!

Kagome: So, um, who, uhhm… are you?

Usuke: Oh, right! Names! I'm Usuke. I know who you guys are, though. I'm Koga's brother.

Inu-Yasha: *Muttering annoyedly:* Liar. He is a bad guy. Or at least a flea-bag, ugly son of a-

Kagome: So! What are you doing here?

Usuke: Oh, you know, avoiding the lovebirds and all.

Sango: Lovebirds? What are you talking about?

Usuke: My annoying, little brother and his annoying, little girlfriend. They haven't stopped giggling all morning! *Shudders.*

Koga: I DO NOT GIGGLE!

Kagome: *Incredibly sarcastically:* Oh what a bundle of joy! It's Koga! How wonderfully thrilling!

Inu-Yasha: Not for him. *Grasps hilt of Tetsusaiga.*

Kagome: *Rolls eyes.* Could you please refrain from attempting to kill Koga for at least five minutes?!

Inu-Yasha: *Disgruntled:* Only if he does first.

Sango: *More sarcastically than Kagome:* Koga, to what do we owe this pleasure?

Ayame: Shut up! Stop insulting my boyfriend!

Inu-Yasha: Your "Idiot Boyfriend", more like.

Ayame: I said, shut up! *Draws dagger and brandishes it at Inu-Yasha.*

Inu-Yasha: *Laughing:* Am I supposed to be scared of that puny knife? Well, I got news for ya, I ain't afraid of you and I definitely ain't afraid of that skirt-wearing pansy you call a boyfriend!

Koga: Hey! You stupid mutt! Don't insult my girlfriend!

Inu-Yasha: I'll insult anyone I want! Especially that whiny, little brat you call a girlfriend! What is she? 11?

Ayame: I am not 11!! I'll have you know, I'm… a lot older than you think!

Inu-Yasha: I guess you must be. Only ugly, old shrews like you hide their age!

Koga: She's not old! She's the same age as me!

Ayame: Hey! Why didn't you deny it when he called me ugly?!

Koga: I-um-oh crap!

Ayame: Darn right, "oh crap!" How dare you insinuate that I'm ugly!

*Koga flees as Ayame berates him for his idiocy, pelting him with jagged rocks. Usuke laughs as his brother yelps in pain.*

Usuke: So, hey, do you mind if I tag along with you guys? My brother is fatally dull. He'll bore you to death just by existing. It's like a super power.

Kagome: Um… I dunno… Well, it's up to everyone, I guess. What do you guys think?

Sango: It could be useful to have someone along who knows Koga's every move. Then again, he's not really a threat, is he?

Miroku: Well, it might be prudent to employ another warrior. Also, do not forget the wise words of… Anonymous: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Inu-Yasha: What's he talking about? I think Koga's a great form of entertainment. Especially when I'm bashing his head in…

Shippo: *Pointedly:* As long as he doesn't eat all the watermelon. *Looks, annoyed, at Inu-Yasha.*

Kohaku: Meh.

Kagome: Well, I guess that's it. *To Usuke:* Well, I guess you're in.

Usuke: Is there a t-shirt?

Kagome: Um, no…

Usuke: A hat?

Kagome: No.

Usuke: A jacket?

Kagome: No…

Usuke: A swor-

Kagome: Inu-Yasha!

*Inu-Yasha removes the broad side of the Tetsusaiga from the top of Usuke's head after knocking him unconscious.*

Inu-Yasha: Hey, at least he shut up.

Sango: Good point!

Kagome: *Shruggles.* Yeah, I guess.

Miroku: Let's go! We should return to Kaede's village, now that we've defeated Naraku and confused Kirasendo!

Inu-Yasha: Kama Sutra.

*Miroku's face turns a deep shade of scarlet as Inu-Yasha laughs his head off. Sango and Kagome lapse into gigglefitz. Shippo enquires again: "What's Kama Sutra?!" And again, Kohaku informs him that his mental stability is much better off without that knowledge.*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Credits:

~Well, that's it for Chappie 12!

~Spanks to Aeryn for "Dastards!", "Shruggles", "Gigglefitz", and I think there was another one… ^.~

~See you next chappie!

~ttfn!!