InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Demons Within Us ❯ A Chasm Apart ( Chapter 11 )

Kagome panted heavily when the song finished and she smiled exhaustively down at the children still remaining with her. “Time out, Big Sis needs a drink.”

 

She giggled as a few whined in protest but she managed to get out of their hold, pawning a few children on Eri and Ayume who were chatting nearby.

 

“Thanks, Kagome.” Eri wrinkled her nose as several sticky hands led her to the TV to dance.

 

Kagome just laughed as she stepped quickly from the room. Ayume, Eri and Yuka have been volunteers of the orphanage for a while now, beginning a few years after Kagome arrived. They were her friends in grade school before the tragedy that placed her in the orphanage, and they never once neglected her. At first they came regularly to visit her, but soon enough began to volunteer to help other children in need. They often helped out on weekends, teaching the children dance, song, or just taking them out whenever they needed. They were good friends and good people all around, but were often after Kagome to find a boyfriend. So she didn't feel so bad pushing eager little bodies on them.

 

Her eyes drifted to the stairwell as she headed toward the kitchen where she saw Ayame and Kouga kissing heatedly. Looking back and forth along the empty hallway, she slowly grinned. Deftly she tip toed to the stairwell and leaned against the banister, watching the two with good humor. Normally she would leave them in private, but considering there were innocent eyes roaming the house, she'd have to intervene, right?

 

She bit her lip to keep from laughing. “Gee, Ayame, I didn't see him on the menu.”

 

Ayame and Kouga broke apart quickly, Ayame emitting a little squeak in fright.

 

Green eyes narrowed onto laughing blue. “Kaggy!” She protested.

 

Kagome looked up at her with a sly grin on her face as she rested her chin on the banister. “I ought to ground you for kissing a boy. Shame on you.”

 

Ayame wrinkled her nose and stuck her tongue out at her. “Oh grow up, Kags.”

 

Kagome shrugged slightly and examined her nails. “You should be nicer to me, Aya, or I could be forced to tell Kaede on you.”

 

“You wouldn't.” Ayame blanched.

 

Kagome braced herself as if getting ready to run.

 

“Kagome….” Ayame stood on the stair and looked ready to lunge at her. “Don't you dare.”

 

Kagome gave a quick wink to Kouga and made a mad dash to the kitchen. “Kaede!”

 

Ayame screamed in agitation and booted it after the dark haired girl, leaving Kouga laughing behind her as he stood up to follow.

 

He met them in the kitchen, hugging and laughing as they poured some drinks for themselves. Kagome looked up and motioned him over.

 

“Sorry if it's not as adult as you might be used to.” She grinned up at him and handed him a soda.

 

Kouga accepted the drink with a small smile. “No, it's great,” he looked quickly around at all the laughing people, “really great.”

 

Kagome smiled widely as she looked around. “I can't believe everyone made it.”

 

“Well, it's not everyday you see yourself on TV.” Ayame grinned.

 

Kagome sighed happily. “Even if it wasn't that, I'm just glad all of my family is here.” She looked up at Kouga. “Well, most of them. I wish the rest of the band could have made it.”

 

“Don't worry, after tonight I'll make sure they make it to the next one.” Kouga grinned and sipped some of his soda. His eyes flicked over at Ayame who was watching him intently with shining eyes.

 

Kagome caught the exchange. “Yeah, well, I'm going to head outside for a breather.” She quickly left the two lovers alone, though they barely noticed as they began talking again.

 

She giggled quietly as she moved through the house and finally made it on the deck leading to the back yard. She sighed in relief as the cool air buffeted through her hair and the smells of a stuffy house evaporated on the breeze. She shut her eyes as she let the night surround her in its endless solace but she wasn't completely content. Her heart painlessly thumped for another to share it with her. Even now, in her moment of peace, her mind would not let go of golden eyes, silver hair and violet words. Violet, what an interesting choice of color for his voice: cold and deep, sweet and soft, yet always enveloping. Yes, violet was his voice, very much like red was his soul. She could always feel the burn and blood that flowed through him, like fire. Oh how she wished she could walk over those flames without being burned. Yet how could she resist his heat? It was enough to ignite her own soul if she wasn't careful.

 

She let out a soft breath and opened her eyes to gaze up at the black sky. It amazed her to no end how quickly she allowed herself to be drawn to this man. His words and actions never spoke to her as he intended, yet she knew what he was really saying. Her soul could hear him in a whisper… yet he could not hear hers screaming. Could he ever possibly know how much he meant to her? Would he ever know just what it was she wanted from him, what she wished he would someday say?

 

“You were wonderful tonight, Kagome.”

 

“Thank you.” She turned slowly and smiled at Hojo. “I'm really thankful you were able to bring some of them to the show.”

 

The lean man blushed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “It was my pleasure, Kagome. So, what are your plans now? You busy this week?”

 

Kagome nodded tiredly and yawned. “Yeah, we leave for Tokyo on Wednesday so we can rehearse on set on Thursday and have the concert on Friday. Which means InuYasha will be working us hard all this week on the songs he chose. Not to mention the radio promos we have to do throughout the week, so he'll be working us overtime.” She grinned. “But I'll be home on Saturday.”

 

Hojo frowned slightly. “InuYasha certainly spends a lot of time with you. I mean the band. I mean, he works you all very hard.”

 

“Yeah.” Kagome smiled softly. “He knows there's a lot at stake. We all do. So we don't mind working so hard. Besides, it's worth it at the end.”

 

“I don't know. Sounds like he puts a lot of pressure on you.” Hojo rested his arms on the deck rail beside her.

 

“No, not really. If anything he puts the pressure on himself, whether or not he knows it. We just want to make him happy.” Kagome joined him next to the rail and looked up at the night sky.

 

“We?”

 

“Sango, Miroku, Kouga….”

 

“And you?” Hojo asked quietly.

 

Kagome cast her eyes over at him. “Yes.”

 

He sighed.

 

“Hojo?” She leaned her body over the railing so she could see his face more. “What're you trying to say?”

 

The brown haired man shook his head slightly. “Just that, for the last four weeks all you've been doing is Perdition stuff. They got you up at all hours playing music I never thought you'd play, wearing clothes I never thought existed, and….”

 

Kagome lowered her eyes. “And?”

 

Hojo let out an exasperated breath. “And every time we ask you about it, your answer always begins with `Because InuYasha wants.' And I'm just worried.”

 

Kagome looked up at him. “Worried about what?”

 

Hojo captured her eyes with his. “Worried about what else he may want.”

 

Kagome watched him with uncertainty then blushed brightly as she looked down at the darkened grass below. “Oh, Hojo. You shouldn't have to worry about that.”

 

Hojo blushed slightly. “Well, I … um….” He rubbed the back of his head. “I trust you, Kagome. I know you always do the honorable thing. But the people you're with, they… well… they have a different set of standards, you know?”

 

Kagome gazed at him from the corner of her eye before looking back down to the lawn. She leaned her body heavily over the deck railing as she contemplated his words. She eventually shook her head softly and she looked back up at him.

 

“I trust them, Hojo. I trust all of them. So please don't worry about me.” She reached over and tugged on his ear, something she knew he hated though she always did it to tease him. “Worrying will only cause gray hair.”

 

He grinned in spite of himself and rubbed his ear distractedly. “You're one of my best friends, Kag. I just want you to be happy.”

 

She smiled. “I am happy. Are you happy, Hojo?”

 

He cast his brown orbs to look deeply into hers and smiled softly. “Yeah, Kagome. I'm very happy.”

 

She laughed lightly and looked up at the sky once more. “I miss the stars, don't you? There's too much light pollution.”

 

“Kagome?”

 

She looked over at Hojo just as he moved his face closer to hers.

 

“Kagome! You're on the TV!” Ayame shouted from the doorway causing both to jump and face the girl.

 

Kagome smiled broadly and grabbed Hojo by the arm. “Come on!”

 

She ran into the house and Hojo followed slowly behind. He looked sadly at the back of the girl that he has loved for so long. This was her moment, and he wanted to be happy for her, but staring at the small television screen it was hard to be content. The last thing he wanted was to resent the fact Kagome was in the band. It was bad enough he harbored a deep dislike for the lead singer since the night at the club. He had hoped whatever the singer may have felt for Kagome was just a passing attraction, but tonight proved it was not.

 

He had seen it while at the concert, though he had hoped he was wrong. But looking at the broadcast, it was simple enough to say all his suspicions were right. As Hojo stared at the television screen in front of him, he took special notice of InuYasha. Just at the break of the song, InuYasha had turned to look at Kagome. It was only for a few seconds, but Hojo knew that look quite well. It was want.

 

His brown eyes flicked to the girl in question, but Kagome was sitting on the floor chatting happily to Yuka, not even watching the screen. No one else seemed to take notice either. He frowned slightly before his eyes met Kouga's. The guitarist had a hint of a grin on his face as he flashed his eyes at the TV and then back to Hojo. A knowing smirk filtered across his face before he turned back to Ayame, acting completely indifferent to the display.

 

Hojo's eyes narrowed. He knew something was going on, more than what Kagome realized. She made it a point to only see the good in people. It was one of the traits he loved so much about her. But she was too soft hearted to see the way things really were.

 

He looked back at the TV and his insides seethed at the profile of InuYasha. The singer wanted Kagome, he was sure of that, but it would be the last thing he'd ever get. Girls like Kagome don't touch trash like InuYasha. He was tainted, undisciplined and uneducated. The man didn't have a hope or a prayer for getting Kagome. She would never reduce herself to that waste of life.

 

No, Kagome needed someone to protect her from men like that, and to be able to give her everything she could possibly want. Hojo knew that he was just the man to give it to her, if he ever had the damn time to be alone with her to prove it.

 

She was going to be spending all week preparing for the next competition, but was going to be home next Saturday. He would make his move then, he just hoped this InuYasha didn't dare touch what was his in the meantime.

 

“Kagome!”

 

Hojo looked over to see a little girl by the name of Shiori launch herself onto Kagome's folded lap.

 

Kagome laughed and hugged the girl. “What do you think, Shio? Did we sound good tonight?”

 

The platinum haired girl nodded and her violet eyes looked happily at the screen. “Hey, there's Kouga!” She turned and beamed up at the guitarist behind them.

 

Kouga just grinned down at her haughtily, though a slight blush tinted his cheeks.

 

“Who's that?” Shiori pointed to the screen as she nestled back down into Kagome's lap.

 

Kagome smiled softly. “That's InuYasha.”

 

“He's so handsome.” Shiori giggled.

 

Kagome looked at the screen. Her eyes were warm and bright. “Yes, he is.”

 

Hojo felt his stomach lurch at the expression on her face. Could it be that she actually did have feelings for the singer?

 

His eyes roamed towards the TV then back at Kagome once more, only to meet her soft blue eyes. She smiled tenderly up at him as she ran her fingers gently through Shiori's hair. He relaxed slightly. No, now he was just imagining things. Kagome was above and beyond that man, and she would never let herself fall to InuYasha's level. Hojo smiled back at her. No, she would remain on that pedestal, because he would be the one to keep her there, InuYasha be damned.

 

 

-+-

 

 

InuYasha rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to fight off the growing headache he had since he left the Stadium. What the hell was he going to do now? His night was pretty much shot. He grumbled angrily as his mind buzzed with the night's events.

 

***Flashback

 

InuYasha walked slowly back into the dressing room after Kagome left, glancing up only to see Kikyo straddling a chair.

 

“Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?” She darted her red tongue across her upper lip.

 

InuYasha had to keep from grimacing in disgust. Normally seeing Kikyo naked and eager had him hard in an instant. Of course, he was usually charging on his high by then. But somehow, nothing was like how it was before. Nothing was settling him like it used to.

 

He noticed it more so tonight. Seeing Kikyo in the audience when he was on the stage receiving their congratulations made a heavy weight settle on his gut. He didn't want her, he just wanted….

 

What the hell did he want?

 

He needed a hit, hell anything to get rid of these feelings he felt since the concert. And the only way he'd get that was if he went to her, and he did the minute he was able to.

 

Fuck, when did he get so damned dependent?

 

He turned to the mirror and picked up his pack of smokes from the counter beneath it. He scowled at it as if it had caused all his misery tonight and reluctantly pulled a cigarette out to stick in his mouth.

 

His eyes drifted over to the spent joints in the ashtray beside him. Funny, even that wasn't as strong as it used to be. Normally he'd be pretty indifferent towards everything right now, but he still felt agitated and anxious and he didn't know why. He stretched his shoulders trying to release the tension in his chest but it only made the feeling worse.

 

He frowned. Fuck, the weed didn't do much for him at all. What kind of shit was she selling him?

 

He looked at the pale woman's reflection in the yellowed mirror and internally shuddered. He hated the fact he needed her. He knew she wasn't worth a damn except for getting him off like he needed, whether it was drugs or whatever. Hell, he needed her like he needed a shot to the head, and he needed her as much as he needed air to breathe. How he hated her. How he hated himself for being so weak to crave what she gave him: deep emotionless emptiness to toss all his cares inside. That's why she was there now. He had thought a quick release from her would fight off the edge he was feeling. He'd gotten as far as a bad toke and a passable blowjob before `she' came.

 

InuYasha cringed slightly at the thought of Kagome and the anxiety in his chest quaked harder. Why the hell did she come down here anyways?

 

`You were amazing. I never felt more alive than I was with you tonight. And I just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you. We made it because of you.'

 

He inhaled the toxic smoke of his cigarette heavily and let it out in a slow rush. Keh, foolish girl. She was always so fucking happy that it was annoying. Yet his lips curled in a slight grin at her praise before his eyes drifted up to look upon his own reflection.

 

He was hot after the show and pulled his hair up into a ponytail. Even that gesture reminded him of Kagome. She once said she liked Kouga's hair up like this and he had wondered what she would think of his hair up. Keh. What a stupid thought.

 

He flicked his head to be rid of the memory and the rough edges of his long bangs fell and framed his eyes. Fuck, he looked tired. When was the last time he had a decent night's sleep? He leaned in to examine his face. His eyes were red from the joint and looked gaunt. He hoped it faded before he left. God, he looked like shit.

 

`I can see how handsome you are.' Kagome's shy voice whispered to him.

 

InuYasha blinked. “What?”

 

“I said what the fuck is wrong with you?” Kikyo's angry voice filtered through his haze.

 

He started and looked over his shoulder to see Kikyo standing behind him topless, her hands fisted angrily on her hips. He had forgotten she was there. His eyes inadvertently drifted over to the door as if wishing he could see someone else standing on the other side before he sighed begrudgingly. Shaking his head, he finally turned around to regard her. “Nothing.”

 

“Then why didn't you answer me?”

 

He shrugged and leaned back on the counter, inhaling another drag of his smoke. “You asked me something?”

 

Her face turned into livid rage. “Were you being an asshole and not listening or are you that fucked out of your head you didn't hear me?”

 

InuYasha frowned. Man, was she always a hardcore bitch? He thought about it. Yeah, but for some reason he always ignored it. Why was it bothering him now?

 

“Well?”

 

He rolled his eyes. “Fuck, Kik, that shit you brought couldn't even give me a good buzz, let alone fuck me over.”

 

Her cold eyes narrowed. “You get what you pay for, you cheap bastard.”

 

InuYasha raised an eyebrow as he looked her over. Cheap wasn't the word he had in mind, but it would do.

 

She crossed her arms. “So where did your mind go? Wait, let me guess. To some wide eyed virgin with a cross up her ass.”

 

His cold eyes matched hers. “What the fuck are you getting on with?”

 

Her lips curled in a malicious sneer. “I saw how you looked at her out there. So puppy eyed and simpering, trying to act all indifferent. Yeah right.” She snorted. “You were practically begging for her to want your sorry ass.”

 

His irises narrowed to pin pricks, making the gold in his eyes flash dangerously. “Shut the fuck up, you stupid slut, you know shit about me!”

 

“Oh, please. As soon as you closed that door, hell, ever since she's been around, you haven't been yourself.” Kikyo laughed coldly. “You like her.”

 

“I said shut up!” InuYasha grabbed her skirt from the floor and threw it at her. “Get the fuck out!”

 

Kikyo smirked angrily as she rushed to get dressed. “Don't matter to me, Yash, she'd never fuck you the way you like. You love to dominate and once you have you grow bored. Once you're done with her, you'd be back to me for more. You always are.”

 

“Keh, whatever, just get the fuck out.” He pulled his shirt over his head.

 

Kikyo scowled. “You owe me for that shit I got you.”

 

InuYasha pulled his wallet from his back pocket and flipped it open. He took out a few bills without counting it and tossed it on a chair.

 

“This shit better do more for me than that lousy blow.” He muttered through his cigarette.

 

Her eyes narrowed into slits as she grabbed the money. “You're pathetic, InuYasha. You think the Christian cunt will even want you to touch her? You're so in the dirt you couldn't even lick her shoes when she walks all over you.”

 

InuYasha just looked at her indifferently and flicked his head. “Door's there.”

 

She pursed her lips and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

 

InuYasha quickly pulled the cigarette from his mouth and hurled it hard at the door as he let his fury out. Fucking slut!

 

He raked his fingers through his hair and sat heavily on the chair behind him. `God damn Kikyo and damn everything she said.' He let his hands fall to his face as he tried to rub the hard itches from his eyes with his palms. `Think she'd ever let me touch her? Why the fuck should I care?'

 

He leaned back on the chair and sighed, letting his hands fall to his sides. There wasn't any point to try anymore. He just wanted to get rid of her, that's all. But she did all right to get them through the competition, so there was no point to get another drummer. That was the only reason he tolerated her.

 

But he knew that was a shit excuse. Whether he liked it or not, she got to him. Damn eyes, damn smile, damn laugh, damn body…. His mouth curved into a relaxed smirk. Yeah, she was all right, for a church mouse. Didn't mean he loved her or anything. She was still a believer; nothing would make him get over that.

 

He grinned and stretched his body out on the chair. Fuck if she didn't look good tonight though. And when she looked at him after their number…. His eyes drifted shut at the memory. Heavenly eyes worshipped him, even if it was so briefly. A guy could get used to that. If only he could make her look at him like that more often.

 

A hard pounding on the door startled him from his trance. Before he had a chance to get out of his chair, Sesshomaru stepped in, bringing in fresh air from the hallway.

 

His brother cringed at the smell of the dressing room. “Jesus, InuYasha, couldn't you and your whore waited until you got home?”

 

InuYasha grumbled and crossed his arms. “Fuck, Sho, what's your problem?”

 

“My problem is that I hate to imagine Perdition's hard earned gain being inhaled through your fucking nose.” Sesshomaru looked down and doused the smoldering cigarette that was on the floor before shutting the door angrily.

 

InuYasha growled. “I have every right to my share of the winnings.”

 

“Yeah, and how much of it did you blow on crack and cunt?” His brother's amber eyes flashed fire.

 

“Shut the fuck up. I don't need to tell you what I did with my money. Besides, a record label in Kyoto will be recording us, and we'll be raking in from that pot too….”

 

“Damn it, InuYasha, this isn't about fucking money!” Sesshomaru snarled.

 

InuYasha frowned in confusion. “Then what the hell is up your ass?”

 

His brother sighed and shook his head. “Do you have to make everything you do a waste?”

 

“What the fuck does that mean?” InuYasha stood up furiously.

 

Gold met gold in a fierce stare down.

 

“It means, why do you work so hard for a goal that will only destroy what you have worked so hard for?”

 

InuYasha blinked with uncertainty. “I'm not….”

 

“InuYasha, Perdition made it out of a hundred bands that would have loved to have even made it to the first competition. And seventeen other bands would gladly take your place to make it to the second. And here you are reaping the rewards and handing it over to every vice you can find.” Sesshomaru sighed angrily. “When are you going to get it through your thick head that you have the opportunity to do something worthwhile.”

 

InuYasha cast his eyes to the far wall and shook his head. “I'm not like you, so lay off.”

 

“I'm not asking you to be. Damn it, InuYasha, why must you think everything I say is an attack against you?”

 

“Because all you do is get pissed at me whenever I do something you don't approve of. Fucking hell, Sho, this is my life. I'm going to live it the hell I want.”

 

Sesshomaru glared at him fiercely. “Fine, but remember this, little brother. Living how ever the hell you want doesn't mean you're living it alone. You're on the backs of others, and there will be a time when one by one, they will let you fall, until you are so far down that chasm no one could reach you.” With that, Sesshomaru turned and stormed out of the room, leaving InuYasha to glare hatefully at his back.

 

End***

 

InuYasha let his hand drop from his face and leaned back on his sofa. Fucking Sesshomaru and Kikyo. Both of them ruined his night. He gazed around his apartment in boredom before his eyes landed on the remote on the armrest. He leaned over to grab hold of it, landing on his side to lie comfortably on the couch in the process. He flicked the TV on and let his mind go numb as he channel surfed.

 

His eyebrow hitched when he saw Perdition on the screen. `Will you look at that… we sound pretty fucking good.'

 

The camera panned to Sango, Kouga, himself and Miroku. They looked… hell, they looked amazing. But something was missing. As the camera panned out, he could just see Kagome on the drums in the background. His eyes clinched as he tried to make her out. He never realized that. Most groups focused on the singer and the standing band, but rarely was the drummer given credit.

 

He scowled. Fuckers, he couldn't see how she looked. Not that he cared, since all that mattered was how she sounded. He just liked to see people's technique, he told himself.

 

Immediately the camera rounded the stage and came up close to them. He could see each of them clearly before the camera moved to loop around the platform, finally catching Kagome in its circuit.

 

Her body thrummed in time to her beats. He could see her thrust her hips as she pounded hard on the drums. Most of her hair was wrapped up in a ponytail, but two deliciously soft strands waved around her shoulders. Her mouth was open slightly, and she bit her lower lip that he knew she tended to do when she was about ready to change rhythms. InuYasha stifled a groan at the sight of her.

 

The camera swung around her to complete the circuit of the stage. And that's when he saw her eyes. Blue grains of the skies sparkled and danced in the light, rarely wavering from her chosen pinpoint. The way the camera moved, it was hard to tell where her focus was but it held passionate intensity. He wondered what it was she was looking at.

 

He blinked in surprise when the camera finally scanned out. No fucking way. Was she watching him?

 

He sat up slowly and leaned closer to the TV, but there was no point. The camera once again panned out to show all of them once more, leaving Kagome in the back and impossible to see. He frowned as he tried to position his head over the crowd and the band on the television as if it would help him to see her better. He grumbled low in annoyance. Why couldn't the damn camera stay still?

 

He didn't realize he was kneeling in front of the screen as he watched her intently. From what he could tell, she never once looked at any of the others, just him. He gave a half laugh. Did he work her that hard? He recalled telling her that she could only watch him as she played, did she honestly take that to heart?

 

Or was there more to it than that?

 

The music shifted in tempo and he saw himself look back at her for a moment, but his focus wasn't on himself, it was on her. Her eyes were now looking down at the drums as she rounded the next movement, or so it seemed. Thinking back on it, where was she looking when he had looked back at her?

 

He frowned. Was he wrong? Maybe she wasn't watching him after all.

 

His alter-self had turned back to the crowd, but the television screen flicked to show only him on the stage as he sang the end of the song, obscuring what he was searching for. Did she look back at him after? Was it he she was looking at? Now he'd never know.

 

`Damn it.' He growled in frustration. He tossed the remote to the floor and hefted his body back to land once more on the couch. He crossed his arms in irritation as he stared down the TV as if blaming it for not showing him what he wanted to see.

 

Was she looking at him the whole time? Or was he only thinking she had? He snorted irritably through his nose. Why did he give a shit anyways? It wasn't like anything could come of it. Not that he wanted anything to come of it. Besides, after what she saw tonight, he'd be surprised if she even looked at him again, let alone talked to him.

 

He cast his eyes to the floor. But she would never do that, would she? Even after seeing him with Kikyo, she still smiled. She still looked at him without any blame or anger. It was eerie what those eyes could do.

 

He lay back down on the couch and his eyes continued to stare distractedly at the floor. No, Kagome would never change. She would continue being herself, Kagome being Kagome, happy smile, happy eyes and happy laugh.

 

He sighed tiredly. Ever since he met her all he wanted was to wipe everything pure from her. But that wasn't good enough for him anymore. Now, he wanted something else.

 

Images of her face after the concert thundered furious assault against his mind and his mouth opened in a subtle groan as he rolled over on his back. He shut his eyes and rubbed the palms of his hands hard against them as he thought about her.

 

She looked at him as if he bared no weight against the world, almost as if his life was pure and clean. Her eyes seemed to have asked him to give himself over to her, knowing she would worship him forever if he had.

 

He shivered slightly at the memory. At the time he might have given her anything, if only to see that gaze again. He grinned slightly at the thought. What he would give to look through heaven's eyes once more.

 

`You're pathetic, InuYasha. You're so in the dirt you couldn't even lick her shoes when she walks all over you.'

 

InuYasha's grin died as he slowly opened his dulled eyes. Dreadful realization washed over him where fancy hope once lay. What he wanted he would never be able to have. His life was anything but good, anything but clean. And in turn he would never be able to give her what she wanted.

 

His eyes slowly drifted up to the screen to see Perdition on stage receiving their reward. Beautiful blue eyes smiled back at him and he felt the weight on his chest bear down on him with a force so strong he almost whimpered. He knew that feeling now, the feeling he was fighting all night. It was anguish. Anguish at knowing he needed her desperately, but could never have her. Gazing at her happy face he allowed himself to finally see her as she truly was, and the pain of it all was both excruciating and divine. He'd never deserve heaven, but he'd be content to gaze at it from hell.