InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Demons Within Us ❯ For Which We Receive ( Chapter 24 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

“Kagome!”

Kagome lifted her blue eyes up over the crowd and smiled warmly at Kohaku as he ran down the orphanage's stairs.

The concert had finished without a hitch a few hours prior and everyone had come back to the Shikon House to celebrate. Though Kagome was far from a party mood, it was a nice distraction from the weight that had been on her mind since that afternoon.

“Kagome,” Kohaku panted as he ran over to her with Sango following slowly behind. “There you are! Figures that I'd find you next to the cake.”

Kagome scowled and stuck her tongue out at him as she cut another piece of vanilla cake to give to Souten. “You make me sound like a glutton! I only had three pieces.” She gave him a slight wink. “What's up?”

Kohaku grinned happily as he looked over his shoulder at his sister. “Sango invited me over to her warehouse for the night, and I was wondering if… you know.”

Kagome tilted her head and looked behind the young man to her friend who stood a few yards away. Sango was watching her shyly, before flicking her eyes around the kitchen where they now all stood.

Resting her eyes on her bandmate, Kagome felt an automatic twinge of trepidation over letting Kohaku spend the night. She didn't want to keep the two of them apart, but she worried how far and how much Sango would tell him of their past. Meeting the gaze of cinnamon orbs once more, she immediately relaxed.

Sango smiled gently at her. She had sworn to protect her little brother and Kagome knew she could trust Sango to do what was right.

Letting out a soft breath, Kagome looked back at Kohaku and grinned. “It's fine by me, Ku. I'll let everyone know where you've gone.”

The boy nodded and beamed at his older sister. “I'll be right back. I'm going to get my gear.”

The two women watched him run off before Sango walked slowly towards the drummer. It was the first time the two had been alone since the whole ordeal and Kagome was anxious to know what Sango felt about it all. Lifting soft blue eyes upon her, Kagome waited for Sango to speak.

“Kagome… I just… I don't know how all this happened.” Sango bit her lower lip before she suddenly enveloped her warm arms around her friend. “But thank you.”

Kagome shut her eyes as she hugged the woman back fiercely with aching relief. “I didn't do a thing.” She pulled her arms away to look into chocolate orbs. “I'm just so happy you're a family again. Really happy,” she cast Sango a sad smile, “I'm going to miss him though.”

Sango smiled kindly and rubbed Kagome's arm. “Hey now, we're not going anywhere. From what Kohaku has shown me here, you all took such good care of him. He loves you all. You're his family as much as I am.” She reached out and grasped Kagome's hand. “You've only added another to it.”

Kagome let out a devoted smile and hugged her friend again. “Then that's the best gift I can ever receive.”

Sango reluctantly pulled away and grinned sheepishly. “I'm so sorry I didn't have a chance to talk to you after the whole thing.” She unconsciously reached over to the table and grabbed a plastic spoon to fiddle with. “So much has happened over the last few days. But today….” Her soulful eyes drifted up to meet Kagome's. “Today I'll always be grateful for. I just wish you knew how much….” Her voice broke off.

Kagome reached over and lightly touched Sango's hand. “I know, Sango.” Her eyes drifted longingly to the floor. “I know.”

Sango searched Kagome's face and felt a slight pang of remorse. Of course Kagome knew. If someone had given her the chance to have her brother back from the dead…. She cast her gaze to the floor. All of her friends shared a sense of loss. If only they were so fortunate to have their happiness back. Yet, they were here to share in hers except….

Tossing the spoon back on the table, Sango sighed. “I wish InuYasha were here.”

Kagome lifted her eyes to Sango before they darted off to the side in guilt. She never told Sango or the others of the argument she and InuYasha had during the concert. It wasn't just the fact she didn't want to upset them, but the memory of his pain was still so raw that she couldn't even bring herself to absorb it all in without breaking down in front of them. But his absence was noticed, and she blamed herself fully for why he left.

The dark eyed woman searched the girl in front of her softly. Sango could tell something happened between Kagome and InuYasha earlier that day. Kagome had been subdued ever since they found her after the concert. Her smiles were bright, but they never reached her eyes, and even then her very aura exuded remorse. Sango didn't know how InuYasha reacted to Kohaku's return, but however it was it did not seem good. What could have happened to make Kagome look so weighed down?

“Kagome….” Before she had the chance to ask, she was quickly cut off.

“Sango!” Kohaku panted as he ran up beside her. “I'm ready.”

Sango flicked her gaze from her brother to Kagome and back. She inhaled deep and let a smile grace her lips. “Great!”

Kagome pushed a grin to her lips as she tugged on Kohaku's sleeve. “You have my number if you need anything.”

“I do, thanks.” He smiled happily back before he looked at his older sister. “When did you want to take off?”

Sango cast a concerned glance at Kagome before lifting her eyes to her brother. “Now is fine. Meet you at the car?”

Kohaku nodded quickly and headed to the door.

Sango looked hesitantly back at Kagome. “I'll call you later, okay?”

Kagome shook her head and grinned softly at her friend. “Just have a good time tonight. Be safe.”

Sango reluctantly nodded her head and followed after Kohaku.

“Well, girl.”

Kagome turned to see Miroku, Kouga and Ayame walk towards her.

“It certainly was an eventful day.” Miroku grinned as he watched his girlfriend walk out the door before turning warm grey eyes upon her. “I'm wondering what surprises you'll pull on us next.”

Kagome let a small smile whisper across her lips as she returned to her task and cut into a cake for more slices to be handed out. “Nothing anytime soon, I hope. They say even God had a day of rest.”

The guys chuckled and grabbed a few sodas from the table while Ayame came up beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders to give her a comforting hug.

“Kaede told us everything. It's amazing how all of this happened, but it goes to show you that miracles do happen.”

Kagome nodded softly. “I just hope whatever happens was for the best.”

“Of course it was.” Ayame beamed. “You did a wonderful thing.”

“In more ways than one,” Miroku smiled gently before he cast his eyes to Ayame. “Ready to head out?”

Ayame nodded and smiled back at Kagome. “I'm driving Ko and Miro back to their apartment. See you later, okay?”

Kagome nodded and gave the guys a small grin. “Have a good night.”

Both men nodded and waved as they headed to the door.

“Rest easy tonight, Kagome,” Miroku said quietly as he moved past her, giving her an unfathomable look. “Some miracles take time.”

Kagome gave him a confused expression but it went unnoticed as all three headed out.

Shaking her head softly she turned back to her task, distractedly listening to chats around her and laughing at Hojo as he struggled to help her with the food.

“Kagome!”

Kagome quickly looked over her shoulder at Eri who was waving excitedly at her by the doorway of the Shikon House.

“You have a visitor!”

Giving the woman a puzzled look, Kagome quickly handed out two slices of cake to some eagerly awaiting children and headed over to her friend.

“A visitor?” She asked as she popped the tip of her thumb into her mouth to lick off some butter cream icing. Everyone she knew so far was here or just left. Who could be here now?

Eri quickly grabbed her arm and ushered her to the doorway, all the while rasping quick statements about “hunk,” “dreamy” and “he is perfect for you” into Kagome's ear.

Blinking in bewilderment, Kagome was automatically shoved in front of the open door where she peered outside trying to make sense of Eri's gibberish. Her gaze quickly took in a tall, handsome form, bundled in a svelte leather jacket and dark blue jeans. An easy smile instantly graced her face.

“Sesshomaru! You made it!”

Her silver haired manager flicked up a corner of his lips in a slight grin and nodded. “Good evening, Kagome. I hope we are not too late.”

The blue-eyed woman quickly shook her head and stepped aside. “No! Not at all. Please, come in!” She held the door wider and waited as he stepped in, followed by a dark haired girl that stayed closely by his side.

Glancing up at Sesshomaru knowingly for a brief moment, she smiled warmly down at the girl. “You must be Rin.”

Dark brown eyes blinked up at her shyly before the girl let out a small nod.

“Well, Rin, you arrived just at the right time. We just started cutting some cake. Would you like a piece?” Kagome tilted her head slightly and waited for the girl to respond.

Looking around warily, Rin took in the various children and adults that laughed and played around the small orphanage. Her hand laced quickly into Sesshomaru's before she gave another small nod to Kagome.

“Great!” Kagome beamed. “I have two big pieces waiting for you both. Come.”

She led Sesshomaru and Rin further into the foyer before turning towards the open kitchen. Several children ran by laughing, giving Rin a curious look as they passed. Kagome noticed the wide, frightful eyes of the small girl as she followed from behind.

Looking ahead, Kagome grinned. She knew just how to make the young girl feel more at home. She headed towards the table where various foods were stocked piled high to the sky and settled next to the corner of the table where several children still waited for a slice of cake.

“Rin?” Kagome smiled softly down at the eight year old. “We have chocolate cake and vanilla. What's your favourite?”

Rin turned her head slightly from around her father's form and eyed the table with growing appreciation. Cookies, fruits, sweets and drinks littered the table, but between them all were two very fluffy, sugar-loaded cakes with “Congratulations!” spelled in icing letters over each.

“I'd take the chocolate.” A girl around Rin's age whispered loudly as she moved up beside the dessert table. “It has vanilla icing in between the layers so you don't have to choose between frostings!”

Rin's smile grew on her face as she pointed to the chocolate.

Kagome laughed and pointed to the chocolate and smiled when Hojo handed her a huge piece. Giving him a quick wink, she handed the piece to Rin with a plastic fork.

“Rin, I'd like you to meet Shiori.” She nodded to the girl who was quickly filling a small plate with various cookies. “Shiori, this is Rin.”

The blonde haired girl turned and smiled shyly at Rin. “Hi.”

“Shiori loves sweets and knows exactly the best food here to choose from. In fact, I'd say she loves food more than she loves Chi Chi Hitori.” Kagome laughed.

Both girls' eyes lit up like stars at the mention of the now popular anime.

“No way!” Shiori shook her head. “Nothing is better than that.”

Kagome looked up at Sesshomaru and grinned.

Catching on to her plan, the amber-eyed man looked down at his daughter. “I would have to say Rin would agree. She owns every box set so far, not to mention every manga made on that series.”

Shiori's eyes widened at the girl in front of her. “You do?”

Rin smiled proudly and nodded. “Yeah, I really like that show too.”

The violet-eyed girl jumped slightly in excitement. “My favourite is Ginsing. Who's yours?”

Rin giggled. “Tatome.”

“Really? I have a Tatome wallaby card upstairs, want to see it?”

Rin nodded quickly and looked up at her father. “Can I, daddy?”

Sesshomaru nodded. “I will be down here if you need me.”

Clutching their plates excitedly, both girls ran from the kitchen to the rooms upstairs.

Kagome laughed softly as she watched them go. “Bingo.”

“How did you know Rin liked that cartoon?” Sesshomaru turned to look down at her questionably.

Kagome shrugged. “Every kid in Japan loves that show, so I took a chance.”

A soft snort left Sesshomaru's nose as he shook his head. “Well, thank you. Rin has a hard time opening up to strangers.”

Kagome nodded and smiled. “I had a feeling. Don't worry, by the end of the day you will have about five more girls being invited to Rin's next slumber party.”

A slight cringe settled on the man's brow. “That I am not sure I should be thankful for.”

Kagome giggled as she pointed to the table in an offering for him to take what he liked but he graciously declined.

Gathering a few ginger cookies into her hand, Kagome nodded for Sesshomaru to follow her out of the noisy kitchen.

“Rin seems like a very happy child.” She smiled at him over her shoulder. “You've done a great job raising her.”

“Thank you. I try.”

Kagome looked up at him from the corner of her eye. “It must be hard raising her alone.”

Sesshomaru tilted his head slightly at her in mild surprise. “What makes you think I had done it alone?”

Kagome flushed. “Sorry. Just that you never mentioned a wife or girlfriend, and the amount of time you spend working and taking care of Rin I thought it safe to assume that it was just the two of you. Especially since you have Jaken take care of her when you are gone.”

Sesshomaru regarded her thoughtfully before a small smile graced his lips. “Have you ever thought of becoming a detective?”

Kagome smiled back as she led him out the back door to the open garden in the backyard. “I work with children, Sesshomaru, more to the point I work with ones that hide a lot of secrets. Being a detective is one of the things I do around here.”

Dark golden eyes searched her quickly before he lowered his head in a slight nod. “It must be a challenge raising so many children. I have my own aggravation with just one.”

Kagome's smile filtered down to a contemplative one. “It is a challenge.” She looked up at him thoughtfully before she led him to a pewter bench in the far corner of the garden and sat down. “You see, many of the children that come here have seen more than any have in a lifetime. And very few are eager to give away their trust. It's a building process, but it never begins with us. We just give them love, caring, openness… and hope in the long run they will make the choice to trust us and be happy again.”

Sesshomaru looked down at her for several moments before a slight smile hinted on his lips and he sat down beside her. “I understand that all to well.”

“Oh?” Kagome tilted her head at him curiously and bit into a ginger cookie.

He nodded. “I have undergone that process with Rin.”

“Rin?” She swallowed her cookie quickly. “Why?”

“Though I care for her greatly, she is not my own.”

Kagome's eyes widened in question.

Sesshomaru cast his eyes out to the lush garden. “I adopted Rin three years ago when I had found her abandoned on the streets of Tokyo. She looked to have undergone a great ordeal. So much that she would not speak for several months after I had taken her in.”

“Oh… Rin.” Kagome lifted her saddened eyes to the house.

“As you can see, she has adjusted over time. But it was a process.”

Kagome smiled softly and reached over to press her hand gently on his knee. “You did an amazing thing. She is very lucky to have found someone like you.”

Sesshomaru lowered his head in appreciation. “I am very proud of her. She never ceases to amaze me.”

“Of course,” Kagome's warm smile graced her whole being as she leaned back against the bench. “She is her father's daughter after all.”

Amber eyes flicked up at her before a hint of warmth spread in their depths. “Yes, she is.”

“Kagome!”

Both turned to the house to see Kanna jogging over to them. The pink dye in her white hair was almost gone but she compensated by having dreads braided through it, which were held together with various colourful clips.

“What's up, Kanna?” Kagome grinned up at the girl.

Kanna graced her gaze over Sesshomaru before turning her raven black eyes on Kagome. “We ran out of paper plates and Sprite. Can Souten and I run over to the store and pick some up?”

“Sure!” Kagome smiled and reached into her back pocket to pull out a few wads of bills. “This enough?”

Kanna flipped through the colourful notes and nodded. “Thanks, `Gome!” With that she turned and jogged back to the house.

“Kanna….” Sesshomaru frowned slightly. “She is….”

“An albino?” Kagome searched his face before she nodded. “Yes. People look at her differently because of it, but we think she's beautiful.”

“I see.” His eyes turned to Kagome once more. “I was more curious about the pink hair.”

Kagome let out an embarrassed laugh. “Oh… sorry. Normally people are more interested in knowing her unique colouring, not her sense of style.” She lifted her brow suggestively. “As I imagine is yours. I am pretty sure the silver hair and yellow eyes in your family are also the first things people notice.”

Sesshomaru smirked as his eyes grazed silkily down her form. “Indeed.”

“Daddy!”

Sesshomaru shot his gaze towards the door to see several girls run out of the house to come stand in front of him with Rin as the bandleader.

“Can Shiori, Lucy and Rae come over tonight? They want to watch Chi Chi with me.”

Four pairs of wide dewy eyes searched the adults' faces eagerly.

Kagome looked humorously over at Sesshomaru. “Well, it's better than five.”

“Mm.” Sesshomaru grumbled before he reluctantly nodded. “Very well.”

Rin beamed happily and gave Sesshomaru a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, daddy!”

“Mm.” He grumbled once more.

Kagome giggled as she watched the girls run back to the house to gather their things. “Well, it looks like Rin made a dramatic change on you as well.”

A dark brow rose slightly over an amused golden eye. “Do you think so?”

The woman watched him with a glint of insight. “Fatherhood naturally does change you, but more so when you have a daughter.”

“How so?”

Kagome giggled. “If the answer is yes to the following questions, then it should be answer enough. Have you allowed her to play with your hair? Have you played dolls with her? Have you ever woken up nearly falling off your bed because she took up the whole space even though she is a fraction of your size? And lastly, have you ever sat down to watch the same Barbie movie over and over just because she wanted to?”

A slight tick of Sesshomaru's cheek answered it all.

Kagome laughed. “Then you, Sir, are a bona fide father to a little girl, and all the better because of it. Being a parent is the best aspect a person can have to their character.”

Sesshomaru let out a slight grin and turned to look at her. “So you find yourself to be an expert of knowing a person's character?”

Kagome's smile faded into a small grin as she looked at the garden before her. “Hardly. Though I appreciate what I learn, I find knowing a person's character outright is almost impossible.”

“Oh?” Sesshomaru grinned. “Yet you were able to deduce so much about me and I have only been here for a half hour.”

Kagome watched him for a moment before she drifted her eyes up to the cooling sky. “I only took in what you have told me and what I have seen. But it doesn't take much to know how much you love Rin and how devoted and overprotective you are.”

Twin pools of amber rose in amusement. “So you think I am overprotective of Rin?”

A hint of a smile graced Kagome's lips as she rested her head against the bench before she bit into another cookie. “Among other things.”

“Other things?”

Her smile grew as her head turned to look at him with soft knowledgeable pride. “Other things that you love.”

“Such as?” A dark brow lifted subtly as Sesshomaru flicked his eyes up and down the intriguing woman.

Her face turned away as her eyes scanned the darkening sky above them once more. “InuYasha for one.”

Both brows lifted at this answer. “Well, that is interesting. Very few would agree with you when it comes to my relationship with InuYasha.”

Kagome turned to rest sapphire gems upon him. “What do you mean?”

Sesshomaru sat back slightly and his face appeared almost impassive. “My brother and I are opposite sides of a coin. We butt heads more than we agree. In fact, we have never agreed on anything. It is well known that our relationship holds animosity, not love.”

Kagome regarded him fully as she sat up. “Now that I can't see.”

“No?” Sesshomaru cast her a wry glance.

“No.” Kagome shook her head.

“Then please, enlighten me. What do you see?”

Kagome tilted her head in thought before her lips parted in a slight frown. “To be honest, I see… discomfort.”

“Discomfort? From whom?”

“From the both of you. It's as if both of you are hiding something that both of you already know.” Kagome looked up at him and a slight flush stained her cheeks. “I'm sorry. That was out of bounds.”

“No.” Sesshomaru shook his head slightly. “I expected an honest answer and I would have been dishonoured to have heard anything less.” He sighed. “But it is true. We both have our issues that we have found are better off not talking about.”

“Hmm,” Kagome tilted her head slightly and rested back down against the bench to gaze once more up at the sky. “So the very thing that held you two apart still holds you apart.”

Sesshomaru lifted his own gaze up to finally notice the glowing sunset. “Essentially.”

“But it never keeps you from loving him. And him from respecting you.”

Amber eyes drifted down to settle warily on the raven-haired woman beside him but he did not reply.

Kagome lilted a corner of her lips before she sighed. “You two fight like brothers. Well, more colourfully on InuYasha's part, but still, it's normal.”

Sesshomaru scoffed. “I'd hardly call our fights normal, nor could I understand how you could see love and respect coming from them.”

Blue heavenly pools glowed like crystal shards as the sunset graced the eyes that settled on the man before her. “You gave him a chance at starting Perdition. You provided everything he could need and gave him the chance to get ahead.” Her eyes lowered to the ground. “You protect him from those who want to abuse and use him. And you worry about him.”

“That is amusing.” He turned his head to look towards the garden. “Most have said all I do is ridicule him. Even he has made it a point to remind me how much he would rather I be out of his life.”

“Yet…” Kagome smiled softly. “You're still here.”

Sesshomaru mouth opened slightly, but he remained silent, unable to respond.

“You both have your reasons for what you say and do to each other, but it never detracts from what you really feel. And I think deep down, you both know what that is.”

“And that is?” Sesshomaru said gruffly, looking sternly over at a closing flower.

“You're brothers. That bond is hard to be broken. It's the root of what both of you are.”

“Hmm.” He snorted. “That would be hard to believe with how we treat each other.”

“It's understandable how actions can be misunderstood for true feelings.” Kagome peered up at him. “But then again, it's easier to appear one way than be open to how things really are.”

“How do you mean?”

Kagome bit into her last cookie and appeared thoughtful as she gazed off into the distance. “A person is never set on being one thing. Their personas are merely an illusion of who they really are. No one person is an open book.”

“Is that so?” The man tilted his head slightly as he studied her form. “Then how is it that you can read InuYasha and myself so well?”

“Because…” She gave him a small smile. “You gave me a few pages to read.”

“Pages?”

Kagome nodded. “Little by little, people say something that's the truth, and from that I know a little more about them.”

“And what did I say to tell you that I cared for my little brother?”

Kagome's eyes captured his in a soft caress. “You told me that you would bring him home safe. You always do.”

Sesshomaru was silent for a moment before a small huff passed his lips as if to laugh. His golden eyes flicked over to the woman beside him. “You are an interesting woman. I can see why InuYasha is intrigued with you.”

Kagome's head tilted slightly in surprise before she looked sadly down to the ground. “I would hardly call InuYasha being intrigued with me.”

“Hmm,” Sesshomaru smirked. “Don't mistake one's actions for one's true feelings.”

Kagome's lips attempted to smile at him repeating her words, but she couldn't. Instead she sighed resolutely. “I think it was my actions that may have revealed more truth than I was willing to know. And in the process, I think I did more harm than good.”

Sesshomaru frowned. “Oh?”

She inhaled deep and turned her face towards him. The sorrow that flooded her eyes pierced deep within the shadows of his heated ambers. “I hurt him today. Something I swore I would never do.” She dropped her gaze to the ground beneath her feet. “So much so that he never wants to see me again.”

Sesshomaru leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees and followed her gaze to the ground. He was silent a few moments before his low voice spoke. “InuYasha's past is a sensitive subject, that is understood by anyone who knows him, but the matter of Kohaku had to be resolved.”

Kagome shot her eyes over at him. “You know about Kohaku?”

“Of course.” Sesshomaru drifted his gaze over to the girl. “Like you said, I protect him from those who would abuse and use him. Others around him feel the same.” He stretched his body up and breathed in the growing night air. “I was told about what happened today, and the fact that InuYasha left without seeing it resolved.”

“Oh.” Kagome's voice sounded pale. She let her eyes drop to the ground in rebuke. So someone called Sesshomaru? But how did they know what happened with InuYasha?

“Though I am not clear what had occurred during that moment, it was inevitable that InuYasha would have been upset with the appearance of Kohaku. No matter how the situation was presented to him, he would have reacted the same.” Sesshomaru gazed down at Kagome. “But you cannot be the one to blame for his behaviour. But you may blame yourself for what he will do now.”

Kagome's eyes widened. “What do you mean? What will he do?”

“You have read more deeply into his pages than I have.” Sesshomaru watched her intently for a few moments before he cast his gaze up at the dying sunset.

Kagome's eyes darted wildly around the garden as the possibilities of InuYasha's actions engulfed her before she flashed them up to meet his in a furious glare. “If you know this then why aren't you there to help him?!”

“As you already know, too much distances me from my brother. I haven't the way to reach him. What he needs is someone who holds no boundaries against him.” He turned his golden eyes upon her. “One who also promised to bring him home safe.”

Kagome's mouth opened in bitter realization as her wounded heart echoed memories of her words.

`I'll come get you… whenever you want me to.' No matter where you are or where you go.

`I'll always be there to make sure you aren't alone.' No matter what choices you make or what you do.

`I'm there for you.' No matter what you think of me, or what you say.

Even when times are at their darkest.

`Great thing about love is that it can never hate. I don't know who or what you think God is, InuYasha, but if you think it's something that can forsake you when you need it most, then it isn't God. Whatever it is, it's there for you during your weakest times, and it's there to share when you are strong. But no matter how strong you can become, by any means, there will always be something or someone to watch over you as you go, and catch you if you fall.'

`Someone?' He had asked her.

`Yes.'

Flashes of pleading golden depths pierced her memory. `You?'

“Always.” Kagome whispered out loud as her brilliant blue eyes brimmed with tears.

She promised. Oh, how could she have been so jaded? She let him go because she believed she was the cause of his pain, but she was only his reason. Instead, she let her own doubts precede him, and she left him when he needed someone the most!

`What happens when there is no light at the end of the day?' His dead voice echoed from the chamber of her soul.

Kagome's breath left her and she shut her eyes from the painful reminder.

`Believe. Believe that it is just a matter of getting through the toughest part of the day.'

Kagome stood quickly and flashed her divine eyes up to the glowing red sky with renewed conviction.

`And knowing you are never alone.'

-+-

InuYasha groaned heavily as he sat beneath the beating cold spray of his shower. He couldn't remember much of the last few hours, but he knew it was something he'd never want to relive.

He shivered hard against the frigid water but he refused to move from the bottom of the cold tub. Instead, he bundled his arms around his legs and waited for the feeling of disgust and betrayal to leave his body.

Fuck, he could still feel her touch on him and it felt slick and sickly within him. When he had come to his senses that it was Kikyo in his bed, he howled her name to the hells and jumped off of her as if she burned him alive. It took all he had not to beat the shit out of her, but it wasn't as if he didn't try. He wanted nothing more than to rip into her for fucking with him the way she did, not to mention the fact he never felt more abused.

But the drugs still had a hold of him and he couldn't even stand up straight, let alone grab her before she ran from his apartment with all her belongings, laughing like a maniac all the while. He didn't care who heard him as he screamed at her. He wanted to kill her. He wanted her to feel the wrath of his rage she planted within him. He wanted her to suffer for raping him. But deep within him he wanted her to burn in hell for even thinking she could compare to Kagome.

But he couldn't even reach her. Instead he fell on his face as he attempted to chase her out of his apartment, only then realizing he was naked and covered in her sickly essence. Her screeching laughter echoed from the stairwell, up the hallway and into his mind, burning a place there in his memory forever.

Seething in hatred, he knew he couldn't do a damn thing about it. She was protected in more ways than one. And he… he was just a toy.

So he pulled himself together, stumbled back into his apartment, expelled what he could of the pills from his body and then dragged his sorry flesh into the shower where he let boiling hot water pound into him until the water turned cold.

And here he still sat, pale and frozen at the bottom of his tub, waiting. Waiting for his life to end so he could finally be out of his misery. But how many died from a cold shower? He mentally chuckled at the audacity. A heavy cough erupted from his chest but it was enough to revive his senses somewhat and he moaned against the aches in his body from not having moved in so long.

He reluctantly lifted his tired head, receiving a blast of cold water to his face as he reached out in front of him to push the lever down, finally shutting off the shower. His body trembled and his teeth chattered hard in numbed tension, but in his mind, he still felt hot, sticky and greasy. It seemed like nothing could rid the touch of her from his body.

Cringing in disgust, he pulled his body up and slapped a hand against the bathroom wall to hold him steady as he stumbled out of the tub, dripping water all over his bathroom floor. Glancing around dully, his eyes rested on a nearby towel and he fisted at it awkwardly with a numbed hand until he got a hold of it. With heavy limbs, he struggled to dry himself off, rubbing the course fabric hard against his flesh in an attempt to scratch off the crawling feeling that was slowly eating him alive, but to no avail. Dropping the useless rag to the floor, he reached down beside it and grabbed a pair of grey track pants he had left there prior. Cringing at the effort, he hefted them up over his chilled legs and let the loose material settle on his muscular hips to dry off whatever he missed.

Groaning unconsciously, he tripped heavily from the bathroom to the living room, grabbing a pack of smokes from the end table before moving to the patio doors.

Pressing a hand against the warm glass, he pushed the door to the side and involuntarily breathed in the warm night air that cascaded into his apartment and buffeted the damp strands of his hair. He growled low against the sounds of the city that echoed through the streets and up the twenty floors where he now stood, breaking the slight peace he had left.

Stumbling out onto his patio, InuYasha reached for the railing and gripped it hard as he gazed down to the street below. People moved carelessly about beneath him without a care in the world. They didn't even look like they had anywhere to go, just meandering until they fell out of his sight, never to be seen by him again.

What was the point? He wondered. Everyone was in such a hurry. But all they were hurrying for was death. One day closer to the weekend. One day closer to retirement. One day closer, one day closer… one day closer to the end.

And then what? What was the hurry? What were they trying to do? Where were they trying to go when they just become nothing at the end of it all? No one knew when their time was up. Even if they did, would they even bother to try to get up in the morning? Would they bother going to work, pick up the kids from school or buy groceries? All those little insignificant things that made up their nonexistent lives.

He blinked tiredly. They say today is the beginning of the rest of your life, but none will ever admit today was also the end of the life you had lived. And what did you account for that life? Was this new life going to be any better?

So what was the point? What was worth all of this? What was worth living for?

He breathed in the smog, smoke and fuel of the city below and growled in disgust. The lights of the buildings around him were too much, the sounds were too loud and the feel of the air was too hot. It was all just so damn suffocating! How could anyone stand it?!

He quickly shut his eyes from its entirety.

He felt like he was being squeezed tight, close to breaking. He needed to get out! He wanted to finally let go of it all. He wanted to just cut the strings and break free.

Wouldn't it be easier then? Wouldn't it be easier to just… fall?

His eyes opened to reveal dying ambers as they stared down to the abyss below.

He had been falling all of his life it seems, tripping further and further down into his own hell with each choice he had to make. God, he was so tired. He never felt so drained. He felt like he was hanging on the edge and all it took was one less finger hold until he dropped from the earth altogether. Yet all he could think of was how far would he have to fall until it ends.

His hands gripped the railing hard, inadvertently crushing the pack of cigarettes he held as he lowered his head in defeat.

He no longer felt he had anything left to hold on to. And he was terrified. Terrified because he knew if he lost his grip, he'd be gone for good. A small part of him still struggled to hang on. This one last ounce of strength still pounded mercilessly within him to persevere. And it created such panic within him he could barely breathe. It was that part of him that still searched desperately for a reason to hold on to this life, and it was failing.

He shut his eyes as the darkness surrounded him.

Was there anything left to believe in anymore? Was there nothing else left to help him get by? Was there anyone left in this godforsaken world to save him?

“There's a new moon tonight.” A soft whisper rushed past him.

InuYasha's head lifted slightly in shock as the warm voice filtered through his haze, but he refused to turn around. For all he knew, it was just another trick of his mind to fuck with him even more.

“It's a sign.” He could hear her smile as she walked up behind him. “Meaning change is about to happen.”

Golden eyes opened in disbelief as that perfect scent he so craved enveloped around him. Was he so desperate for it that his mind finally cracked under the pressure? Or was this real?

Breathing hard, InuYasha slowly turned his head and peered reluctantly behind him. He shut his eyes quickly again before turning to look down to the city once more.

“Why are you here?” His dead voice fell from his lips. “Didn't I tell you to never come near me again?”

Kagome lowered her face from the night sky to watch his tense back flex and tremble with each breath he took. “Yes… you did.”

“Then why are you here? If you're trying to get back into the band….”

“No… I'm not.”

InuYasha sighed tiredly as he blinked numbly to the world below. “Then why?”

She was silent for a long while before her gentle voice replied. “I needed to be.”

“Keh.” He leaned his body heavily against the railing. “I don't need you here.”

Kagome slowly moved to stand beside him and leaned her front against the railing to gaze out at the city. “I didn't say what you needed.”

Her soft hair flowed up from waves of the wind and cool strands wisped against his arm, making him shiver slightly at the sensual touch. It wasn't much, one would have barely felt it, but to him it seemed to wash away the emptiness that was building inside him, making his body reluctantly ease. His eyes slowly drifted up to look at her.

Kagome's expression was unreadable as she gazed to the buildings in front of her, before she shut her eyes and breathed deep, lifting her face to the heavens. Slowly, her eyes opened and they immediately shone bright with pleasure.

“The stars are out.” Her lips curved in a relaxed smile. “Normally the city lights block out the sky, but tonight it outshines us all.”

InuYasha's eyes stayed with her for a few moments in confusion before they slowly lifted up to the skyline. He blinked heavily as his very being took in the brilliance of the open night. Countless sparkling rays of cosmic light shone down upon them and they seemed cool to the touch, relieving the hot ache within him. They looked endless; stretching farther than his mind could comprehend before they were blocked by the tall structures around him. Though he could see only a small fraction of the sky, it looked amazing.

A soft sigh flowed before him and he reluctantly looked from the sky to the beauty beside him.

“I've never been this high up before.” Her warm eyes turned to smile that perfect smile at him. “You can almost touch the heavens from here, InuYasha.”

Blinking back to himself, he snorted. “Hardly.”

He stretched back and distractedly opened his pack of smokes only to find them all crushed. Sighing contritely, he tossed the package to a nearby deck chair and leaned once more against the railing to avoid looking at her. “How did you get in here anyways?”

Kagome nodded her head to the inside of the apartment. “Your door was open. You didn't hear my knocks, so I got worried and came to look for you.”

InuYasha smirked as he flicked his eyes at her then back to the street below. “Well, you found me. Now what?”

Kagome shrugged slightly and looked back up to the sky. “I guess it depends.”

“On what?”

“You.” She breathed and cast her fathomless eyes upon him.

“Me?” He chuckled darkly and shook his head. “Listen, darling. Whatever it is you're expecting of me, it's never going to happen.”

Kagome lowered her eyes. “That's an awfully long time.” She cast her gaze out to the city. “But I have forever to wait.”

InuYasha's smirk slid from his face as the realization of what she was saying and doing hit him. All this time he had fought against her, but deep down he wanted her to care. And now, after it was all said and done, here she was, being exactly what he wanted. Everything he needed. And he hated himself for it.

His eyes shut painfully and he turned his face away so she couldn't see. “Forever is just a word. Everything has to come to an end some time.”

Kagome breathed in the cooling air and looked up once more to the ageless sky. “Maybe. But not today.”

Golden eyes opened slowly to look down to the pavement far below. His breath came and went like a lowing tide before he managed to find the energy to speak and his voice sounded soft and low. “What the hell do you want from me?”

“I want nothing from you.” Her quiet voice replied before she let out a resolute breath. “If anything, I want know what you want from me.”

InuYasha turned to look at her in question before his head lowered in cynical exhaustion. “I think you've given me enough today.” Shaking his head bitterly, he turned back to the railing and waved his hand dismissively at her before resting his arms on the cold bar. “It's late and I have nothing more to say to you.”

Kagome searched his frame sadly for a long while before she reluctantly nodded. “I understand.” Without another word, she walked slowly back into his apartment and to the open door.

InuYasha waited until he heard the door shut close before he lowered his head upon his arms in defeat. His body shuddered with each breath he took, agonizing over the fact he let her go. But it was better off. She didn't need to be here to deal with this. Not after everything he had done. But still….

His breath left him in a harsh wave of loss. It would have been what he really wanted… if she had stayed.

As if something had heard his secret prayer, a cool whisper of a touch slowly trailed up his heated back and he shut his eyes desperately as a soft hand rested on his shoulder. Slowly turning his head upon his arms, he looked up into gentle blue eyes and felt his body sag from the weight of it all.

Smiling softly down at him was the angel he so desperately needed more than anything. She never left him. He was a fool to think she ever would.

Shutting his eyes as if in pain, he lowered his face to the ground to block her out. Yet his very being screamed for her touch and he could no longer deny what he truly wanted.

Hold me now I need to feel relief.

Like I never wanted anything.

Opening them once more, he slowly reached up and tentatively covered her hand with his.

I suppose I'll let this go until I find reason to hold onto

I'm so ashamed of defeat.

Standing slowly, he pulled it from his shoulder and gazed at her small hand that he still held gently within his. It was so tiny and fragile, and yet it held everything.

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to get by.

A soft grace of her other hand swiped gently over his hot cheek, making his head turn into her touch, loving the very feel of it against him. He breathed her in, feeling her essence take over his senses, and he desperately wished he could drown in it.

I'm so afraid of this gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well.

His golden eyes lifted to meet heavenly blue and he felt his whole body beat with remorse. But if she only knew what he did. Would she think so kindly of him then?

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all.

Dropping her hand from his, he pulled away from her presence and walked heavily into his apartment. He needed her to stay away from him. He didn't deserve the grace she placed upon him. And yet, he didn't have the courage to tell her to go.

He stopped in front of his coffee table and looked down. The distorted reflection of himself on the surface of the glass disgusted him. He looked like shit… because it was exactly what he was. She had to understand what he really was. If only he had the honesty to let her know.

I can't face myself when I wake up

And look inside a mirror.

I'm so ashamed of that thing

His eyes drifted from his reflection to the bag of pills that rested beside it. He had forgotten about them. Odd, since they were the bane of his existence because they were the cause of all his mistakes, and yet they were still so appealing. Slowly reaching down, he grasped the small bag and looked at it with a scowl.

I suppose I'll let it go

Until I have something more to say for me

I'm so afraid of defeat

His hand clenched hard, crushing the pills from the pressure as he let his hand fall despondently to his side. So… was this all he was now? Was this all he had left?

And I'm out of reason to believe in me

I'm out of trying to defy.

Small fingers traveled down his forearm like silk before they slipped inside his clenched hand to clasp it, making the bag he held fall to the ground. InuYasha quickly looked up in shock expecting to see her hurt and angered expression at seeing the drugs. Instead he saw only kindness and unfathomable warmth as she gazed deeply into his eyes - into the very soul he thought he lost.

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well.

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all.

His breath left him in a rush of anguish and he shut his eyes tightly before he slowly cast his head down in surrender. As if in a dream, arms so soft, so pure and perfect had lifted up and around him, pulling him down into an enveloping embrace that felt like velvet water, cool, quiet and serene.

Inhaling a sharp breath, InuYasha held his arms stiffly by his side, too terrified to touch her in case he tainted her perfect being. That was until her arms spread tightly around his back and she buried her face into his chest.

Oh God. His face grimaced in a painful battle for control. Her arms felt like she could hold the world up high, and he felt like such a small part of it. But he was there, somewhere, being lifted by her delicate form. And he could no longer fight what he desperately needed.

Hold me now I need to feel complete

Like I matter to the one I need.

Without knowing, his arms rose up and circled around her, holding her tentatively before crushing her hard against him like a lifeline.

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me

I don't belong here and I'm not well.

I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living

Right on the wrong side of it all.

His head ducked down into her shoulder, burying his face into her neck as he breathed her in deep, not daring to let her move from his embrace. His eyes clenched furiously as his body clung to her hard. Fuck, he knew he was acting like a weak bastard, and he hated her seeing him like this. But he couldn't pull away now even if he tried.

Now I'm ashamed of this

I am so ashamed of this

He knew then he could never let her go, not now, not ever….

Now I'm ashamed of me

I am so ashamed of me.

Because he knew at that moment his life depended on her.

-+-

A/N: The Gift, by Seether. I heard this on the radio as I was driving to work and had to race to the lab to write it down because it hit me as the song for this part of the story. I hope you like it. So thank you to the Bear 106.9 Ottawa for giving me inspiration.

And I know I said that I would update faster, but dang it! Real life caught me with a hook to my mouth. Okay, first I was just going to take a few days off to relax and catch up on some fictions, and get some much needed bubbles and chocolate for the soul. Then I get a message from dad on MSN messenger that he and mom are driving over from Nova Scotia to visit. Well fuck. So then I have to rearrange the house some because my mother has this habit of saying a compliment but you know, you KNOW, she is criticizing whatever she is saying she likes. So I'm spending my free time cleaning and making my house appear perfect. I mean, I washed the dog! Worst day of the year for both of us. So then they stay for a week during Easter, and it was a great time. Well, except for the “When will you give us grandchildren?” question, to which I remind them that her eldest son already gave them a granddaughter AND a grandson and anything I produce will just be a rerun. So I just manage to slide under that gun. Whew!

So they go and I can finally leave my underwear around the house with no one but the cat to tell me I'm a disgrace. But he does it while licking his ass so I don't take it seriously. So just as I am back into my routine, twiddling my fingers to get ready to type, I get a call saying I got accepted into a new job in Nova Scotia because my contract in Cornwall is coming to a close, meaning I am moving in the middle of May back to the province I just left. So now I'm looking for a place to live, moving vans and having to slowly pack so I won't explode come Victoria Day. Not a problem. I mean, I just moved into this place in November, I only just unpacked everything, so it should be easy to pack it back in. So now boxes are starting to collect and I'm ready to type. Then… ding! Landlady will be showing off my house and needs me gone when she does.

….FUCK!

Now I don't say that out loud. That's how I feel inside, among other things that are shouting inside my head.

I'm not sure when the tick in my right eyebrow appeared, but it makes for an interesting show since the dog has started a new hobby of staring at me with the tip of her tongue hanging out, so something about me must be entertaining.

So I'm cleaning the house….AGAIN… taking my beloved underwear off the floor and tossing my ass breath cat outside to have strangers come to my house that I won't be moving out of for another month. So essentially all of this had left me only with this week to finally get this chapter written, edited (thank you again Missy!) and posted.

I'd love to say that the next chapter will be up soon, but I'm on digs again now that the snow has stopped, and will be in Ottawa for two weeks beginning May, without much time to write. But this story is my top priority and I rather be doing this than cleaning, packing, moving, working and making grandkids. Well, maybe not the baby making since I like the process of the act even without the product.

Anyways, thank you for bearing with me. I hope you liked this chapter. And thank you to all those who have read this story, and to those who left a review.

And Masterkon? You owe me two chapters! HA!

Live, Love and Laugh.

WDW