InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Demons Within Us ❯ Death is Life ( Chapter 36 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
The hospital doors crashed open as InuYasha ran in clutching Kagome's pale body hard against him, his thick jacket wrapped around her to stave off the blood flow and cold. The panicked expression on his face was enough to make everyone in the waiting room take notice then step into action.
He never even felt them pull her form from him as they lifted her onto a stretcher and wheeled her through several swinging doors. He followed without hesitation, never letting his eyes leave her as they ripped off his jacket to assess the damage. Frozen numbness chilled him to the core as he saw the extent of her blood for the first time. Her entire body looked soaked with it. As soon as his coat was removed, Kagome began to shake and convulse as the emergency staff struggled to hold her down. A terrified cry echoed around the emergency room walls, only realizing it was coming from him.
“She's been shot!” One nurse yelled.
“I can't get a pulse!” Another said with blood soaked fingers against Kagome's throat.
“Prepare the ECG!”
InuYasha watched in horror as a doctor performed CPR while the other readied a defibrillator.
“Sir...?”
He could feel hands press hard against his chest but he refused to move. “What're they doing to her?”
“Sir, you have to leave!”
“I don't understand what they're saying. What're they saying!” He struggled to push the hands off of him.
“Sir, they're doing everything they can. Please wait outside!”
Several more hands grabbed him and pulled until the double doors slid shut before him, blocking him from seeing anymore.
“Sir? Sir!”
He blinked and looked down at a nurse who was stained with blood. He shook his head as he stared at it.
“Are you hurt?” She asked him.
Hurt? He swallowed and peered back at the closed doors. He couldn't feel a thing.
“You're covered in blood. Can you tell us what happened?”
Again he felt his head shake as he then peered down at himself. His t-shirt was soaked, as were his pants and ends of his hair. His hand shook as he reached up to feel it cold and wet between his fingers. “I was the one who was supposed to be shot.”
“What?”
His fist closed hard against his chest as he let out a sharp cry and tears burned down his cold cheeks. His back collided with the wall behind him and he slid to the floor, crying hard though he could barely bring himself to breathe.
He could sense the nurse was trying to talk to him but he couldn't hear her over the terrible noise in his head. Over and over he heard the shot, the sound of her knees hitting the ground. Over and over he could hear himself scream. But in between it all he could hear himself begging until his breath was voicing it out loud.
“Dear God, please don't. Dear God, please don't!”
The nurse looked terrified. “Security!”
“Delay that order!”
The familiarity of the voice had him blink through massive tears to see Sesshomaru charge over in his direction. Kohaku followed at his heels. His brother took one look at him then rounded on Kohaku.
“What happened?”
The boy's mouth was open as he stared at InuYasha on the floor. “I...I don't know! She...she went looking for him. I was waiting in the car. Then InuYasha came riding on his motorcycle, Kagome was in his arms. He saw me and jumped off the bike and got into the backseat. He...he told me to drive here. Oh...god...she was bleeding so much! I...I drove here and called Sango on the way...I....”
Sesshomaru swiped his hand to silence the boy as a group of security officers rounded the corner. He gave them a deadly glare before turning back and reaching down. InuYasha could feel a strong grip lift him to his feet as his brother led him and Kohaku down a hallway and through another set of doors.
“The rest of them will be arriving soon, including her family. Tell me everything!” Sesshomaru shook InuYasha roughly by the arm.
Quickly Kohaku began to explain. Inside his mind InuYasha could see the events of the night. Kohaku coming to his apartment, pushing Kagome out the door, the call from Naraku....
“I think he wanted me to call you, but I called her instead....” Kohaku continued.
She came. She came like she always came. Determined to save, to heal.
“She told me to stay in the car and then ran off to find him.”
Ran.... Ran right into the path he had chosen for himself. But what purpose did it serve? Who did it save?
“It was for me....”
Sesshomaru and Kohaku stared at him and he realized he spoke. InuYasha wiped his weary face and looked down to his palm to see a trail of wet tears and blood. He clenched his fist and bit his lower lip. “That bullet was meant for me. They meant to kill me. They wanted you and were going to use me to do it. But I wouldn't let them. I wasn't going to let him get his satisfaction.”
“Naraku's revenge?”
InuYasha looked up at his brother and nodded. “I was the last thing they had against you. Without me, you could make your move. You could finally go after him. But she came....”
“Kagome?” Sesshomaru murmured as two nurses ran by.
“He needed me alive.” InuYasha lifted his chin as his gaze fell to the polished floor. “But she came up behind me. I never even knew she was there. Kikyo....”
Sesshomaru nodded and ushered him toward a washroom. “Quick, take off your shirt and put on this coat.” He handed him the long coat still warm from his body. “Wash up and meet us back out in the waiting room. And speak to no one.”
InuYasha gripped the coat like a vice and walked into the washroom, locking it behind him. His fingers went lax when he saw his reflection in the mirror, overly bright from the florescent light. He stared a long time at the sight. Blood streaked through his hair, and his face was lined with blood and soot and tears. He reached for the handle and let the water heat in the basin before he peeled off his shirt. His white chest was stained red, and after he washed away the dried blood his skin remained a raw pink from how hard he scrubbed. Tossing the shirt into the trash, he swept his arms into the coat sleeves and buttoned it up to the top, leaving a trace of pink to be seen on the apex of his chest. Giving himself one last glance in the mirror, he turned to the door and walked out.
The waiting room was alive with activity. Everyone it seemed had shown up. Miroku held Sango in a small corner while Kouga and Ayame sat talking close by. Sesshomaru was doing his best to explain the situation to an old woman and several teenagers surrounding her. Practically all the chairs were taken up by the kids he gathered were from the orphanage. Glancing quickly past each face, he noticed Kohaku was huddled by himself in a chair facing the blackened snow lined windows. His face was pale and he could tell the boy was crying. InuYasha stepped quietly away from the doors leading into the surgery, hoping he could slip away.
“You!” InuYasha turned in time to have Kouga grab the lapels of his jacket and thrust him hard against the wall, cracking his head against the concrete slabs. “You mother fucking asshole! What did you do to her!”
InuYasha had no fight left in him. He met the angry blue eyes of his bassist then let his head drop to his chest. “I killed her.”
Heavy hands pulled Kouga away from him while keeping his back pinned to the wall. InuYasha looked up to see Miroku staring intently at him. “We don't know that.” He rounded on Kouga while shoving him farther away from InuYasha. “And we all know that Yash would never do this to her.”
“Then why is she here?” Kouga glared hatefully at him. InuYasha could only meet his eyes once before sliding from Miroku's grasp to the floor and covering his head with his arms. He wanted to shut the world out, fade into nothingness. Eventually his friends gave up and wandered away. He was glad for it. He needed no rebuke or comfort. He just wanted it all to be a nightmare that would end now.
But it didn't.
Time slowly ticked away as staff and patients came and went. Finally he received a nudge from Sesshomaru and he looked up. A surgeon walked slowly out of the emergency room and pulled the mask from his face. “Family of Higurashi?”
InuYasha stood and came forward, but was barred from the doctor's view as Ayame, Kaede and Hojo surrounded him to hear the news. His face contorted in hurt jealousy at seeing Hojo put an arm around the older woman and ask about Kagome with such familiarity but the emotion was quickly swept aside as the surgeon spoke.
“I wish I could tell you good news, but the internal damage is extensive. The bullet ricocheted off a rib and nicked the heart. It then penetrated her left lung and lodged next to her spine. We managed to remove the bullet, but... she lost a lot of blood. It's rather amazing she survived the surgery, as for the next twelve hours, only time can tell.”
InuYasha reeled as the room spun around him and he clutched the wall to hold himself steady.
“Is...is there anything we can do?” Hojo's voice sounded hoarse.
“Pray,” Kaede said softly beside him. “All we can do is pray.”
InuYasha bowed his head and staggered out of the hospital.
-+-
It had been two days, two long days waiting. And he had spent the entire time locked away in his apartment. After trashing everything he could manage to break, he ended up sitting on the floor of his bedroom. He was unsure how long he had been there.
Twice she suffered from cardiac arrest. Twice they managed to bring her back. His cell phone lay limp in his weak grasp. But it had been an entire day since he last heard about her progress. And it was killing him. His head ached as he rocked it side to side against his knees. He was exhausted but too terrified to sleep. If he fell asleep he was certain something terrible would happen and he would lose her for good. It was then he understood what the meaning of death was. It wasn't fading into nothingness. There was no pain in that. Death was a tearing of the soul of the one left behind. It was eternal separation from body, heart and mind. And the pain of that was beyond nothingness. It was hell.
He peered down at the call display to see it showing the time. Damn it! He tossed the cell to the side and stood, pulling his aching fingers through his hair, tearing out strands as they snagged on knots. The pain felt cold and invigorating, but also increased his anger and panic. What the hell was he supposed to do? The waiting was fucking with his mind. He could easily just go to the hospital, get all the news first hand instead of waiting for a call, but he was not welcome there.
Sango had come by and managed to upend his glass coffee table before she cut him from her life. Kouga threatened to beat the shit out of him, but refused to speak to him. This was news from Miroku, the only one who still called to let him know what was happening. InuYasha didn't dare know what her family was thinking. It was enough to know he was the reason why she lay dying in some sterile room in the hospital.
He paced his room until the walls felt like they were closing in on him. With a barrage of silent cursing, he grabbed his cell and coat and left his apartment.
The cold wet day blasted him hard as he walked out onto the street. Buses and cars thundered too loudly past, splashing slush and mud up onto the sidewalk as he trudged upon it, sidestepping puddles. He kept his head down as he walked, hitching his shoulders higher to hold off the wind blowing down his neck. He felt cold. Inside and out. He was too far gone from feeling anything else.
The beeping of a backing truck had him shut his eyes and increase his pace. Beep, beep, beep...like a heart mechanically kept alive with no soul to keep it going. He shook his head and stared at the concrete beneath his feet. How swiftly it moved yet he felt he was going nowhere. Another step then another, and it brought him to the same place each time. He couldn't escape the pain no matter how hard he tried.
Shadows of people passed by him. Nameless, shapeless, and oblivious to the fact he was a murderer. He was just waiting for time to kill. His hair threaded by his face, hiding him from their innocent glances. Did he show the mark of the guilty? He certainly felt he had the sign of the condemned.
Jumping over a snow drift, he quickly jogged across the cross walk, dodging people with ease. He had no desire to touch them, to feel their warmth and solidity. He wanted them to be ghosts, shades of what was unreal and dead. Then maybe if he kept walking, he'd walk right out of this hell and end up... His pace slowed as a bitter hold gripped his heart. And end up where? Any place that she never existed? Any place that didn't have this pain that had him feeling so close to breaking he wondered how he didn't shatter right then and there?
He clutched his coat against his throat and glanced up to see where he was going when he caught sight of blue sky piercing through the shade of clouds. A rim of silver framed the grey to a point of gold. He stood still and gazed at it until his eyes hurt and started to tear. Blinking rapidly, he swiftly turned and headed back from where he came when a sudden a blast of a semi's horn had him leap back onto the sidewalk, narrowly being hit by the truck as it passed.
Watching the truck drive by, he nearly missed the vibrating ring of his cell. Looking down, he scrambled to answer. “Sess?”
“She died, InuYasha. Come home.”
-+-
Izayoi Taisho's funeral was a private affair. Very few kept in contact since the family degraded after his father's death. InuYasha stared blankly down at the stone that covered her fresh grave.
“She died peacefully.” Sesshomaru said simply on the opposite side of the mound.
InuYasha looked up. The black suit and tie fit his brother like a glove. Nothing was out of place compared to the haphazard way the same suit hung on him. “I don't think I can ever forgive her.”
The older man nodded. “Some things are impossible to forgive. It's those things we will constantly fight until the remainder of our lives.” His golden eyes met his. “But we must always fight. Or else we will be doomed to let it take over us, to make us do unforgivable things.”
InuYasha studied the wearied and stern face before turning back to the grave. “Do you think there's a heaven, Sess?”
“I always try to believe there is some good to come out of this world.”
“Yeah, but what about the rest of it?”
He heard his brother sigh. “It will remain here, until we fix everything we did wrong.”
There was a long pause before either spoke.
“You have yet to ask about her.”
InuYasha shrugged. “I figured no news was good news.”
“I guess to be dealing with the funeral, to know of any details would have made it too unbearable?”
InuYasha sighed. “It stopped being bearable when dad died.”
He could feel his brother shift and he looked up to see an uncomfortable frown mar Sesshomaru's mouth.
“It stopped being about dad when he died.” Sess said. “Everything was his decision, his rules and his ideals. When he died, we had no direction. But that was our fault.”
A slight scoff passed through InuYasha's lips. “I don't know where you think we went wrong. You did everything perfectly.”
“No,” Sess shook his head and InuYasha was stunned to see a sadness under the thoughtfulness. “I tried to do exactly as dad had done. To live up to his standard. I was so focused on being just like him, I forgot everything else. Even those who needed me most.” He turned to meet his eye. “I'm sorry, InuYasha. I'm sorry I didn't do more.”
Gold studied gold before InuYasha looked away. “You did exactly what you had to. In the end, I always knew you were there.” He shrugged and gave a tiny smirk. “Wasn't like Perdition funded itself. Whether I knew it or not, you did offer me an out. Just on my terms. I don't think I would've let you do it any other way.”
“Hn. Stubbornness is an inherited gene.”
“Keh, so is stupidity.” His smile faded. “Sess...?” He turned to his brother with sudden angst.
As if sensing his question, Sesshomaru let out a deep breath. “She's stable but still in a coma. But they think she may recover. Whether there will be any damage, they won't be able to tell until she wakes.”
InuYasha bit his lower lip and nodded. “I'll never forgive myself either.”
“It wasn't you who caused this.”
“No, but I'll always regret.”
“That you couldn't stop her?”
InuYasha shook his head before gazing up at his brother. “That I never protected her like I tried with the others. Out of them all, she was the only one I couldn't protect.”
Sesshomaru nodded. “That's understandable.”
InuYasha frowned. “Why?”
“George Bernard Shaw once wrote 'There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it.'” Sess gazed steadily at him over the grave. “Clearly you found both in doing everything you could to avoid it.”
InuYasha tilted his chin in confusion.
A small chuckle passed from his brother's mouth. “Such a tragedy is love. It makes even the most powerful...powerless. To a point where even your innermost desires mean nothing - that you would give them all up just to feel that one moment when you knew you were truly alive, no matter the cost.”
InuYasha's chest tightened as if his heart twisted in a knot and he shut his eyes. “The cost wasn't worth it.”
“Bullshit.”
Stunned, InuYasha stared at his brother's haughty expression.
“It was worth it, InuYasha. You are a testament to that.” Sesshomaru thrust his chin over his shoulder. “Because this is life, and tragedy happens. What did you do? Give up? Quit? No, you fought every day of your life because deep down you knew what truly mattered; family, friends...love. That pain you felt? That agony you fought so hard to keep, that was life. That was what kept you going. Because you knew, deep down, there was something else worth living for. Something better. And you found it. And whether you realized it or not, you held on to it as hard as you could. So much that you were willing to risk it, no matter the cost. And so did Kagome.”
InuYasha blinked hard and looked away. “I have lost more because of her than anything I've ever done.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Yes,” InuYasha breathed, “and no.”
“Hmm.” Sess laughed. “And if you had to do it all over again. To not love her, for her to not love you back, just to protect her, would you?”
InuYasha remained silent.
“I thought as much.”
He shook his head. “But now she's gone.”
“That remains to be seen. Life still goes on. Don't you think you should continue to fight for it? Like she is?”
“I... don't know what else to live for.” InuYasha stared unseeing toward an etching on the grave marker.
“You live for her.”
Uncontrollable tears filled his eyes as he looked back to his brother. Memories flooded his mind of a night not too long ago when he gave up everything for just one moment. When nothing else mattered. When she told him she lived...because of him.
“She doesn't deserve what I am.”
Sesshomaru smiled. “That also remains to be seen.”
InuYasha furrowed his brows.
“You're still here, Yash. And there is more to you than what you know.”
A pregnant pause settled between them before a soft smile settled on InuYasha's lips. “Something worth fighting for, hey?”
“At least something worth living for.” A twin smile stretched on Sesshomaru's lips. “Think you will be able to move back home?”
InuYasha lowered his eyes to the grave. “I think it's time, maybe, to move on.”
“Your room is ready for you when you are.”
His lips curved higher as he nodded. “Thanks.”
-+-
As the dawn settled on the horizon, a pair of sky blue eyes opened slightly to peer out toward the new day....
A/N: Hey, another chapter! On a roll here now that I got over my block. The rest should follow just as quick. Songs to inspire the last two chapters: Metallica - Fade to Black, Dishwalla - Winter Sun, Evans Blue - Cold. And Bernard Shaw. Enjoy!
Continue to live, love and laugh! WDW
He never even felt them pull her form from him as they lifted her onto a stretcher and wheeled her through several swinging doors. He followed without hesitation, never letting his eyes leave her as they ripped off his jacket to assess the damage. Frozen numbness chilled him to the core as he saw the extent of her blood for the first time. Her entire body looked soaked with it. As soon as his coat was removed, Kagome began to shake and convulse as the emergency staff struggled to hold her down. A terrified cry echoed around the emergency room walls, only realizing it was coming from him.
“She's been shot!” One nurse yelled.
“I can't get a pulse!” Another said with blood soaked fingers against Kagome's throat.
“Prepare the ECG!”
InuYasha watched in horror as a doctor performed CPR while the other readied a defibrillator.
“Sir...?”
He could feel hands press hard against his chest but he refused to move. “What're they doing to her?”
“Sir, you have to leave!”
“I don't understand what they're saying. What're they saying!” He struggled to push the hands off of him.
“Sir, they're doing everything they can. Please wait outside!”
Several more hands grabbed him and pulled until the double doors slid shut before him, blocking him from seeing anymore.
“Sir? Sir!”
He blinked and looked down at a nurse who was stained with blood. He shook his head as he stared at it.
“Are you hurt?” She asked him.
Hurt? He swallowed and peered back at the closed doors. He couldn't feel a thing.
“You're covered in blood. Can you tell us what happened?”
Again he felt his head shake as he then peered down at himself. His t-shirt was soaked, as were his pants and ends of his hair. His hand shook as he reached up to feel it cold and wet between his fingers. “I was the one who was supposed to be shot.”
“What?”
His fist closed hard against his chest as he let out a sharp cry and tears burned down his cold cheeks. His back collided with the wall behind him and he slid to the floor, crying hard though he could barely bring himself to breathe.
He could sense the nurse was trying to talk to him but he couldn't hear her over the terrible noise in his head. Over and over he heard the shot, the sound of her knees hitting the ground. Over and over he could hear himself scream. But in between it all he could hear himself begging until his breath was voicing it out loud.
“Dear God, please don't. Dear God, please don't!”
The nurse looked terrified. “Security!”
“Delay that order!”
The familiarity of the voice had him blink through massive tears to see Sesshomaru charge over in his direction. Kohaku followed at his heels. His brother took one look at him then rounded on Kohaku.
“What happened?”
The boy's mouth was open as he stared at InuYasha on the floor. “I...I don't know! She...she went looking for him. I was waiting in the car. Then InuYasha came riding on his motorcycle, Kagome was in his arms. He saw me and jumped off the bike and got into the backseat. He...he told me to drive here. Oh...god...she was bleeding so much! I...I drove here and called Sango on the way...I....”
Sesshomaru swiped his hand to silence the boy as a group of security officers rounded the corner. He gave them a deadly glare before turning back and reaching down. InuYasha could feel a strong grip lift him to his feet as his brother led him and Kohaku down a hallway and through another set of doors.
“The rest of them will be arriving soon, including her family. Tell me everything!” Sesshomaru shook InuYasha roughly by the arm.
Quickly Kohaku began to explain. Inside his mind InuYasha could see the events of the night. Kohaku coming to his apartment, pushing Kagome out the door, the call from Naraku....
“I think he wanted me to call you, but I called her instead....” Kohaku continued.
She came. She came like she always came. Determined to save, to heal.
“She told me to stay in the car and then ran off to find him.”
Ran.... Ran right into the path he had chosen for himself. But what purpose did it serve? Who did it save?
“It was for me....”
Sesshomaru and Kohaku stared at him and he realized he spoke. InuYasha wiped his weary face and looked down to his palm to see a trail of wet tears and blood. He clenched his fist and bit his lower lip. “That bullet was meant for me. They meant to kill me. They wanted you and were going to use me to do it. But I wouldn't let them. I wasn't going to let him get his satisfaction.”
“Naraku's revenge?”
InuYasha looked up at his brother and nodded. “I was the last thing they had against you. Without me, you could make your move. You could finally go after him. But she came....”
“Kagome?” Sesshomaru murmured as two nurses ran by.
“He needed me alive.” InuYasha lifted his chin as his gaze fell to the polished floor. “But she came up behind me. I never even knew she was there. Kikyo....”
Sesshomaru nodded and ushered him toward a washroom. “Quick, take off your shirt and put on this coat.” He handed him the long coat still warm from his body. “Wash up and meet us back out in the waiting room. And speak to no one.”
InuYasha gripped the coat like a vice and walked into the washroom, locking it behind him. His fingers went lax when he saw his reflection in the mirror, overly bright from the florescent light. He stared a long time at the sight. Blood streaked through his hair, and his face was lined with blood and soot and tears. He reached for the handle and let the water heat in the basin before he peeled off his shirt. His white chest was stained red, and after he washed away the dried blood his skin remained a raw pink from how hard he scrubbed. Tossing the shirt into the trash, he swept his arms into the coat sleeves and buttoned it up to the top, leaving a trace of pink to be seen on the apex of his chest. Giving himself one last glance in the mirror, he turned to the door and walked out.
The waiting room was alive with activity. Everyone it seemed had shown up. Miroku held Sango in a small corner while Kouga and Ayame sat talking close by. Sesshomaru was doing his best to explain the situation to an old woman and several teenagers surrounding her. Practically all the chairs were taken up by the kids he gathered were from the orphanage. Glancing quickly past each face, he noticed Kohaku was huddled by himself in a chair facing the blackened snow lined windows. His face was pale and he could tell the boy was crying. InuYasha stepped quietly away from the doors leading into the surgery, hoping he could slip away.
“You!” InuYasha turned in time to have Kouga grab the lapels of his jacket and thrust him hard against the wall, cracking his head against the concrete slabs. “You mother fucking asshole! What did you do to her!”
InuYasha had no fight left in him. He met the angry blue eyes of his bassist then let his head drop to his chest. “I killed her.”
Heavy hands pulled Kouga away from him while keeping his back pinned to the wall. InuYasha looked up to see Miroku staring intently at him. “We don't know that.” He rounded on Kouga while shoving him farther away from InuYasha. “And we all know that Yash would never do this to her.”
“Then why is she here?” Kouga glared hatefully at him. InuYasha could only meet his eyes once before sliding from Miroku's grasp to the floor and covering his head with his arms. He wanted to shut the world out, fade into nothingness. Eventually his friends gave up and wandered away. He was glad for it. He needed no rebuke or comfort. He just wanted it all to be a nightmare that would end now.
But it didn't.
Time slowly ticked away as staff and patients came and went. Finally he received a nudge from Sesshomaru and he looked up. A surgeon walked slowly out of the emergency room and pulled the mask from his face. “Family of Higurashi?”
InuYasha stood and came forward, but was barred from the doctor's view as Ayame, Kaede and Hojo surrounded him to hear the news. His face contorted in hurt jealousy at seeing Hojo put an arm around the older woman and ask about Kagome with such familiarity but the emotion was quickly swept aside as the surgeon spoke.
“I wish I could tell you good news, but the internal damage is extensive. The bullet ricocheted off a rib and nicked the heart. It then penetrated her left lung and lodged next to her spine. We managed to remove the bullet, but... she lost a lot of blood. It's rather amazing she survived the surgery, as for the next twelve hours, only time can tell.”
InuYasha reeled as the room spun around him and he clutched the wall to hold himself steady.
“Is...is there anything we can do?” Hojo's voice sounded hoarse.
“Pray,” Kaede said softly beside him. “All we can do is pray.”
InuYasha bowed his head and staggered out of the hospital.
-+-
It had been two days, two long days waiting. And he had spent the entire time locked away in his apartment. After trashing everything he could manage to break, he ended up sitting on the floor of his bedroom. He was unsure how long he had been there.
Twice she suffered from cardiac arrest. Twice they managed to bring her back. His cell phone lay limp in his weak grasp. But it had been an entire day since he last heard about her progress. And it was killing him. His head ached as he rocked it side to side against his knees. He was exhausted but too terrified to sleep. If he fell asleep he was certain something terrible would happen and he would lose her for good. It was then he understood what the meaning of death was. It wasn't fading into nothingness. There was no pain in that. Death was a tearing of the soul of the one left behind. It was eternal separation from body, heart and mind. And the pain of that was beyond nothingness. It was hell.
He peered down at the call display to see it showing the time. Damn it! He tossed the cell to the side and stood, pulling his aching fingers through his hair, tearing out strands as they snagged on knots. The pain felt cold and invigorating, but also increased his anger and panic. What the hell was he supposed to do? The waiting was fucking with his mind. He could easily just go to the hospital, get all the news first hand instead of waiting for a call, but he was not welcome there.
Sango had come by and managed to upend his glass coffee table before she cut him from her life. Kouga threatened to beat the shit out of him, but refused to speak to him. This was news from Miroku, the only one who still called to let him know what was happening. InuYasha didn't dare know what her family was thinking. It was enough to know he was the reason why she lay dying in some sterile room in the hospital.
He paced his room until the walls felt like they were closing in on him. With a barrage of silent cursing, he grabbed his cell and coat and left his apartment.
The cold wet day blasted him hard as he walked out onto the street. Buses and cars thundered too loudly past, splashing slush and mud up onto the sidewalk as he trudged upon it, sidestepping puddles. He kept his head down as he walked, hitching his shoulders higher to hold off the wind blowing down his neck. He felt cold. Inside and out. He was too far gone from feeling anything else.
The beeping of a backing truck had him shut his eyes and increase his pace. Beep, beep, beep...like a heart mechanically kept alive with no soul to keep it going. He shook his head and stared at the concrete beneath his feet. How swiftly it moved yet he felt he was going nowhere. Another step then another, and it brought him to the same place each time. He couldn't escape the pain no matter how hard he tried.
Shadows of people passed by him. Nameless, shapeless, and oblivious to the fact he was a murderer. He was just waiting for time to kill. His hair threaded by his face, hiding him from their innocent glances. Did he show the mark of the guilty? He certainly felt he had the sign of the condemned.
Jumping over a snow drift, he quickly jogged across the cross walk, dodging people with ease. He had no desire to touch them, to feel their warmth and solidity. He wanted them to be ghosts, shades of what was unreal and dead. Then maybe if he kept walking, he'd walk right out of this hell and end up... His pace slowed as a bitter hold gripped his heart. And end up where? Any place that she never existed? Any place that didn't have this pain that had him feeling so close to breaking he wondered how he didn't shatter right then and there?
He clutched his coat against his throat and glanced up to see where he was going when he caught sight of blue sky piercing through the shade of clouds. A rim of silver framed the grey to a point of gold. He stood still and gazed at it until his eyes hurt and started to tear. Blinking rapidly, he swiftly turned and headed back from where he came when a sudden a blast of a semi's horn had him leap back onto the sidewalk, narrowly being hit by the truck as it passed.
Watching the truck drive by, he nearly missed the vibrating ring of his cell. Looking down, he scrambled to answer. “Sess?”
“She died, InuYasha. Come home.”
-+-
Izayoi Taisho's funeral was a private affair. Very few kept in contact since the family degraded after his father's death. InuYasha stared blankly down at the stone that covered her fresh grave.
“She died peacefully.” Sesshomaru said simply on the opposite side of the mound.
InuYasha looked up. The black suit and tie fit his brother like a glove. Nothing was out of place compared to the haphazard way the same suit hung on him. “I don't think I can ever forgive her.”
The older man nodded. “Some things are impossible to forgive. It's those things we will constantly fight until the remainder of our lives.” His golden eyes met his. “But we must always fight. Or else we will be doomed to let it take over us, to make us do unforgivable things.”
InuYasha studied the wearied and stern face before turning back to the grave. “Do you think there's a heaven, Sess?”
“I always try to believe there is some good to come out of this world.”
“Yeah, but what about the rest of it?”
He heard his brother sigh. “It will remain here, until we fix everything we did wrong.”
There was a long pause before either spoke.
“You have yet to ask about her.”
InuYasha shrugged. “I figured no news was good news.”
“I guess to be dealing with the funeral, to know of any details would have made it too unbearable?”
InuYasha sighed. “It stopped being bearable when dad died.”
He could feel his brother shift and he looked up to see an uncomfortable frown mar Sesshomaru's mouth.
“It stopped being about dad when he died.” Sess said. “Everything was his decision, his rules and his ideals. When he died, we had no direction. But that was our fault.”
A slight scoff passed through InuYasha's lips. “I don't know where you think we went wrong. You did everything perfectly.”
“No,” Sess shook his head and InuYasha was stunned to see a sadness under the thoughtfulness. “I tried to do exactly as dad had done. To live up to his standard. I was so focused on being just like him, I forgot everything else. Even those who needed me most.” He turned to meet his eye. “I'm sorry, InuYasha. I'm sorry I didn't do more.”
Gold studied gold before InuYasha looked away. “You did exactly what you had to. In the end, I always knew you were there.” He shrugged and gave a tiny smirk. “Wasn't like Perdition funded itself. Whether I knew it or not, you did offer me an out. Just on my terms. I don't think I would've let you do it any other way.”
“Hn. Stubbornness is an inherited gene.”
“Keh, so is stupidity.” His smile faded. “Sess...?” He turned to his brother with sudden angst.
As if sensing his question, Sesshomaru let out a deep breath. “She's stable but still in a coma. But they think she may recover. Whether there will be any damage, they won't be able to tell until she wakes.”
InuYasha bit his lower lip and nodded. “I'll never forgive myself either.”
“It wasn't you who caused this.”
“No, but I'll always regret.”
“That you couldn't stop her?”
InuYasha shook his head before gazing up at his brother. “That I never protected her like I tried with the others. Out of them all, she was the only one I couldn't protect.”
Sesshomaru nodded. “That's understandable.”
InuYasha frowned. “Why?”
“George Bernard Shaw once wrote 'There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it.'” Sess gazed steadily at him over the grave. “Clearly you found both in doing everything you could to avoid it.”
InuYasha tilted his chin in confusion.
A small chuckle passed from his brother's mouth. “Such a tragedy is love. It makes even the most powerful...powerless. To a point where even your innermost desires mean nothing - that you would give them all up just to feel that one moment when you knew you were truly alive, no matter the cost.”
InuYasha's chest tightened as if his heart twisted in a knot and he shut his eyes. “The cost wasn't worth it.”
“Bullshit.”
Stunned, InuYasha stared at his brother's haughty expression.
“It was worth it, InuYasha. You are a testament to that.” Sesshomaru thrust his chin over his shoulder. “Because this is life, and tragedy happens. What did you do? Give up? Quit? No, you fought every day of your life because deep down you knew what truly mattered; family, friends...love. That pain you felt? That agony you fought so hard to keep, that was life. That was what kept you going. Because you knew, deep down, there was something else worth living for. Something better. And you found it. And whether you realized it or not, you held on to it as hard as you could. So much that you were willing to risk it, no matter the cost. And so did Kagome.”
InuYasha blinked hard and looked away. “I have lost more because of her than anything I've ever done.”
“Do you regret it?”
“Yes,” InuYasha breathed, “and no.”
“Hmm.” Sess laughed. “And if you had to do it all over again. To not love her, for her to not love you back, just to protect her, would you?”
InuYasha remained silent.
“I thought as much.”
He shook his head. “But now she's gone.”
“That remains to be seen. Life still goes on. Don't you think you should continue to fight for it? Like she is?”
“I... don't know what else to live for.” InuYasha stared unseeing toward an etching on the grave marker.
“You live for her.”
Uncontrollable tears filled his eyes as he looked back to his brother. Memories flooded his mind of a night not too long ago when he gave up everything for just one moment. When nothing else mattered. When she told him she lived...because of him.
“She doesn't deserve what I am.”
Sesshomaru smiled. “That also remains to be seen.”
InuYasha furrowed his brows.
“You're still here, Yash. And there is more to you than what you know.”
A pregnant pause settled between them before a soft smile settled on InuYasha's lips. “Something worth fighting for, hey?”
“At least something worth living for.” A twin smile stretched on Sesshomaru's lips. “Think you will be able to move back home?”
InuYasha lowered his eyes to the grave. “I think it's time, maybe, to move on.”
“Your room is ready for you when you are.”
His lips curved higher as he nodded. “Thanks.”
-+-
As the dawn settled on the horizon, a pair of sky blue eyes opened slightly to peer out toward the new day....
A/N: Hey, another chapter! On a roll here now that I got over my block. The rest should follow just as quick. Songs to inspire the last two chapters: Metallica - Fade to Black, Dishwalla - Winter Sun, Evans Blue - Cold. And Bernard Shaw. Enjoy!
Continue to live, love and laugh! WDW