InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Protector of Her Heart ❯ Fears ( Chapter 23 )

Chapter 23: Fears

 

The ground thundered under the horse's feet, as its rider drove it on and on, with great haste. There was no time to lose since every moment Inuyasha was away from Kagome, that put her in possible danger with the threat of the mysterious Naraku if he intended her harm.

 

The sun sunk low on the horizon as Inuyasha continued pushing the animal to its limit, trying to get as far as he could until he had to stop. He couldn't possibly go on foot this time; he would be too distinctive from afar, if Lord Naraku had his spies, as Inuyasha was sure he probably did, awaiting for him. Even so, he felt guilty, since this method of travel was slower than what he was used to, and for Kagome's sake, he wished he could go much faster.

 

Kagome…he remembered her face when he left her. Tears had flooded her eyes, and she looked so upset…upset because he was leaving her. It wasn't that the separation wasn't hurting him, but…he had promised before to never make that woman cry again, and he had broken his promise.

 

It was a foolish notion, really, to protect her by leaving her. But, it was the right thing to do. The wolf would protect her for the time being, if need be. By the look in Kagome's eyes as he had turned away, he knew that wasn't just the only thing she needed him for. Inuyasha had seen how she had clung to him when the new direction her life was taking became almost too much. He didn't know if it was love or trust that compelled her to him at those times, but even still, he felt obligated all the same to comfort her.

 

At first, perhaps he was a little annoyed, with Kagome seeking comfort when he needed it as well, but he came to learn that she was comforting him as well with her assurances that she didn't love Lord Naraku, and if she could marry anyone, it would be him. The hard look in Inuyasha's amber eyes softened at the thought, knowing that despite it all, her heart belonged to him. Ironically, it was the very same situation in that princess and knight story Kagome had made up long ago—one that Inuyasha had demanded Sango tell him after frequent mentioning by herself and Kagome. In the end, the princess married another and lived a life of longing for her secret lover, who died protecting her in the end.

 

Is that our fate as well? Inuyasha wondered, his grip tightening on the reins. Will we be nothing more than a tragic story, sung by minstrels long years from now…with no happy ending?

 

Their brief happiness in the Midlands had ended when Lord Naraku had intruded into their lives. But for a little while, they had that happiness together, living a forbidden dream. Even if her body were sold to another man, her heart was his, and at least, that would give him a small happiness through the tough times.

 

But, in the end, if Kagome were married to Lord Naraku, Inuyasha didn't know how he could stand it. He loved her with every fiber of his being, and how would he be able to stand by her side when she was declared the possession of another man? He could be there for her all through the engagement, but on the final day, would his strength be powerful enough to watch her married and then not be able to jump and declare to that Naraku that Kagome was his and his alone?

 

Seething anger rose within him as an unbidden growl escaped his lips. Naraku…that man he now hated. How could a man like him ever win someone as pure as Kagome? Inuyasha was sure there was some mystery behind his existence. When Onigumo perished in that strange fire, no body was seen, and there were no marks except the strange, spider shaped burn. And then Naraku was said to look like Onigumo, when Kikyou swore that Lord Naraku had Lord Onigumo's eyes. Something strange was going on, no doubt about that.

 

And if this Naraku's intent was malicious…Inuyasha hoped that if he had left her in any danger, Kouga would be enough to keep her safe. He doubted that Lord Naraku would try anything until the wedding, but if that was not the case…

 

He kicked his horse to speed it up, despite the beast's protests. I'll be back soon, Kagome! Wait for me!

 

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

 

Kagome had been silent ever since Inuyasha had left, her words sparingly bestowed, and only when necessary. Her melancholy mood plunged further to make it so that she hardly seemed aware of the sunlight on her face, or the flowers in the air. And every day it seemed worse, when another day dawned when her knight protector was not here.

 

The days ticked by slowly as her mood never stilled, however, though they went by slow, Kagome wished that the days would just stop and not move on at all, since each day ticked off was another day closer towards the wedding.

 

The wedding…the day when she would be tied to Lord Naraku formally, would belong to him for the rest of her life. She would be pulled away from Inuyasha, forever. More than anything, she wished she didn't have to go through with it. The fact that when the vows were spoken, all freedom she might have had would be gone, never to come back.

 

I hate it, she thought, screaming inside when on the outside she could be nothing but silent. I hate this sham of a life!

 

Even now, as her friends accompanied her as they walked through the gardens, Kagome could not voice her opinions. Anything might be sent through hidden spies back to Lord Bankotsu, or worse, Lord Renkotsu. And if they found out that she hated her life and did not want to marry Lord Naraku, things would get a lot worse for her.

 

But even more so, to most women, she couldn't complain. Many women were in the same state as she; married off to a man they didn't care about, while their heart always longed for another. It was a sad fate, but that was the way of marriages with the nobility; love mattered not. Rewards gained through the joining of names was the only thing that had any issue. It would seem selfish, wouldn't it, to complain of her life when women had been dealing with the same thing for centuries?

 

Am I selfish? Kagome wondered, looking away, towards the setting sun as the wind blew her hair around her, like waves upon the ocean. Or, am I just—

 

“Kagome?” Lady Sango asked, making Kagome turn towards her. Her friend's gown of yellow, that was ironically the color of happiness, swayed gently in the breeze as her friend came towards her. “How are you feeling? You said a walk might do you good.”

 

Glancing towards the three following them, Kagome could see that Sir Kouga, Lord Miroku, and Shippou all looked towards her with looks of pity. Of course she knew it would have been obvious straightaway to them, but the thought of their pity wasn't a comfort in her heart.

 

“Yes,” she lied, taking in the sweet scent of fresh air. “I believe I do feel a bit better, Sango.”

 

“You're lying,” accused Sango, her voice in a low whisper so the rest couldn't hear them. “You're lying, just as you have been ever since we got back from the Midlands.”

 

The princess said nothing, but glanced back into her friend's eyes. Yes, she was lying, Sango knew that much. But what she didn't know was the lies had started long before that…lies that had been in Kagome's heart, with truths too terrible to behold. It was such a web of lies that she had woven that only those close to her were able to navigate through them all to discover the hidden secret within.

 

Turning away, Kagome countered, “What does it matter? What does it matter for a month or two if this is how it is to be for the rest of my life? I should probably get used to it as fast as I can.”

 

It was then that the rest of their friends caught up to them. The monk intervened, “Don't worry so much, Your Highness. Inuyasha won't leave you for too long, he'll be back here quite soon, I expect.”

 

No reply came from her. Ah, so all her friends were able to read her like a book, were they? She missed Inuyasha terribly, but perhaps they didn't fully know…didn't fully understand why it hurt her so much, save for Sango, who alone knew the dark secret in her heart.

 

With this, Kouga stepped forward, “Until then, I'll protect you, Your Highness,” he gave a small bow at this, with no more subtle flirtation. He, too, then? “And don't think so much about the mutt; he'll be able to handle himself and make it back in one piece, if he's as thick skinned as he used to be.”

 

“I'm not that concerned about him,” she replied softly. “I know Inuyasha is strong enough to take care of himself.” Though she tried to sound firm in her belief, no one else was convinced.

 

It's not about how he will come back, Kagome admitted to herself, It's when he will come back. What if…what if he comes back too late? What if he doesn't make it in time for the wedding? He doesn't understand…Inuyasha doesn't know why I need him so much…I just…I wish he was here so that if I can't go through with it…I'll know I'll always have him at my side.

 

I want you here to hold me and tell me its all right when everything is crashing down…I want you here to keep me from falling…and…now, with this mess of a life I have…your love is the only thing that comforts me, Inuyasha…

 

“Sango?” Kagome asked, turning towards her friend. “I think…I think I've had enough fresh air for one day, and I would like to go back inside.”

 

Once again, the pitying looks appeared on her friend's faces. “Kagome…”

 

But she shook her head. “I am just tired, is all. No need to worry.” With that, she turned and left, leaving her concerned friends behind as she headed towards her room, the only place she could get peace at these times.

 

But, musing on her excuse, Kagome thought somberly, Another lie… When she reached her room, she threw open the door to the bedroom, and without even a thought to taking off the clothes she already had on, she simply plopped down in the bed and pulled the covers over her, closing her eyes and imagining the warmth of being in Inuyasha's arms once again.

 

Not long after, she was in the realms of sleep; the only place she could go to escape the harsh reality of her life now.

 

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

 

“Are you all right?” her mother asked flatly, after she had asked her daughter to dine with her that afternoon. When Kagome looked downward, like she had been asked this question many times, the dowager queen explained, “You've been very unhappy lately, Kagome…I can notice that, at least.”

 

Glancing back at her mother, Kagome lightly set down her glass of wine that she had been served but not drunk more than a sip. “Mama…its not that…it is not that I'm unhappy, it's…” Everything. It's everything, Mama. This wretched life that I was born into just because you married a king…

 

Almost as if she could read her thoughts, the queen, with sad eyes, replied, “I know I have not been the best of a mother to you, Kagome…I often left you when I was on progress with your father when you were young, though we both hated it…I brought you up in a life where you weren't able to be a young girl and were forced into this marriage …and I'm sorry for the suffering it caused you.”

 

“It is nothing, Mama. You are over exaggerating.” It caused me a different kind of suffering than the one you are thinking of, Mama…

 

Even though for a moment, the queen looked like she didn't believe her, she sighed and seemed to accept that fact, before speaking, “I hear the wedding plans are becoming complete.”

 

“Oh yes. It is so amazing how they could manage to put something like this together with hardly any time to prepare at all.” Kagome's voice was toneless, without any feeling at all in the words. While she herself abhorred the idea of this marriage to be, Kagome still had enough respect for her mother not to mention it now.

 

But, as if her mother could read her well, she shook her head. “Kagome, something about this is bothering you. Ever since the betrothal was made, you haven't been yourself. If there is something wrong, you can tell me.”

 

Kagome's gaze fell to the hands in her lap, twisted between layers of blue velvet. She debated with herself, wondering if she should tell her mother of her worries. She couldn't tell her mother everything, especially about Inuyasha and what he meant to her now, but…could she tell enough to get her to understand?

 

“It's just…it's going to be hard to go through with it,” she answered softly, her eyes downcast as it seemed, for the first time in days, she told the truth. “Before all this, I wanted to marry a man so I would no longer be a `Spinster Princess'. But now…marriage to someone I hardly know is going to be tough.”

 

Trying to comfort her, her mother instantly replied, “Lord Naraku seems like a good man. I'm sure he will take care of you. And Kagome, you can never judge how a man will be as a husband before the wedding. You know, I even cried on my wedding day to your father, yet it turned out well. He was kind to me, kinder than I ever thought he would be, and so I was content as his wife.”

 

But did you love him, Mama? the princess was dying to ask. Even if you were content, did you love Father? Or did you love someone else, someone whose love died when you left, lost in the shadows?

 

“Mama, it's not that. Lord Naraku is kind to me now, but…I'm marrying him for all the wrong reasons.”

 

This unexpected argument by her daughter left the dowager queen stunned. Nowadays, when marriages were made for political gain, why would one consider what are the right or wrong reasons anymore? But her daughter had always challenged such ideals like this. “Then what do you think are the right reasons?”

 

Once again, her daughter paused, not answering for a moment. Her hands in her lap fisted folds of her dress in her nervousness as she began to speak. “Mama, when I was in the Midlands, I learned some things, about how the common people live…. How amazing it is to control your own fate, without anyone saying otherwise. To be able to love someone and spend the rest of your life with them, rather than marrying a man for power or prestige. Most importantly, Mama…I learned a few things about myself. One of them was that I could be happy, living a simple life without noble comforts. And lately, I've been desiring that rather than this life.”

 

Her mother stared at her as Kagome revealed these things to her. Kagome was a strong-willed girl, to be sure, but she never knew that within her heart, she desired so different a life than the one she already had. “Kagome, I am sure it is just pre-wedding jitters. Every woman gets them.”

 

However, what she said in attempt to calm Kagome down didn't help one bit. “It's not that, Mama!” Kagome suddenly shouted into the air, frustrated with it all. Her mother couldn't understand—could never understand why this was so painful for her. But she would never be able to explain that her anxieties and sadness were caused by matters of the heart; matters that made her heart choose Inuyasha and made her imagine many times marrying him instead of Lord Naraku. “Once I am dragged to that altar and pronounced married, I will be chained to one man and one man alone—one man I can never love—and will not be able to turn back!”

 

Kagome had jumped out of her chair and slammed her hands on the small table, making the glasses sway and knocking droplets of red wine all over the tablecloth. Now worried, the queen spoke calmly, in an attempt to soothe Kagome's over-rattled nerves. “Kagome, you must give Lord Naraku a chance, because it is true, you must be married on your eighteenth birthday in order to rule this country.”

 

“But why is this?” Kagome demanded, her voice now shrieking and altering the attention of several guardsmen outside. “Why do I have to be tortured like this? To be dragged before an altar and married to any man, just so this God-damned country will have a king! Why couldn't father have left the throne to Souta, like every other king would do, instead of leaving it to me? Now for the council to say I cannot rule as a woman, and to marry me off to some man before I am eighteen! Why am I to be tortured like this, Mama?”

 

After Kagome finished screaming, she panted for a moment, but her eyes were no less wild. The queen saw the harsh look in them, and knew that her daughter's suffering was being caused by more than she was willing to tell, and no amount of interrogation would probably get her to tell now. “Your father believed you would make a fine queen, Kagome.”

 

“Oh, that doesn't matter now, does it?” the princess spat, her fingers trembling in released anger. “Only Lord Naraku, my husband will rule as king, and I will be stuck to queenly duties. It doesn't matter what father wanted now.”

 

There was another pause and a sigh before the queen stood up, and walked towards her daughter, doing something that was desperately needed—she hugged her. Memories of Inuyasha holding her before he left flooded Kagome's brain, and soon, the anger fled as tears filled her eyes. “Mama…” she managed to say, as her mother held her like she had been when she was a child.

 

“I know you're afraid, Kagome…but marriage is a scary thing.” Her mothers soft voice now penetrated when it hadn't only a few seconds ago. “You doubt, and worry, and wonder what life was like if you had married another…but even so, if a man cares for you, marriage can be wonderful. It may take work, as all things do, at times, but if you and your husband put enough effort, you can have a beautiful relationship that will last as long as you live.”

 

Kagome's voice was watery with tears as she asked, “Even if you don't love the man, Mama?”

 

The queen nodded. “Even if you don't love the man.”

 

Debating with herself for a moment, Kagome wanted to ask, “Even if you love another?” but the words froze on her lips. No, she must not, not even to her mother, give away the truth of why she was so afraid of the coming matrimony.

 

“I'm sorry Mama,” Kagome spoke as she looked away from her mother. “I'm just…I'm so afraid of everything changing like this…I don't want everything to change…” It wasn't all, but for a thorough description, it was close.

 

“I understand, Kagome,” her mother replied, with a small smile. “But give change a chance. Perhaps, in the end, you'll find happiness.”

 

The princess did not smile back. Perhaps, but I doubt it.

 

 

* * * * * * * *

 

 

Night had fallen on the Palace of the Human Lands as Kagome snuck stealthily out of her room, heading towards the first door to the ground she could find. It had been a ritual every night since Inuyasha left—to head for open air and look towards the Demon Lands…where had left and where he would eventually come back from.

 

But as Kagome slipped through the empty, darkened hallways, she heard footsteps on the cold stone. Quickly, she hid behind an old tapestry in the hall, her heart pounding, afraid someone had found her. But as she peeked out from behind the tapestry, she sighed with relief. It's only Kikyou. And she didn't see me.

 

But…there was something odd about her. She was still dressed in her evening gown, and she looked flushed and afraid. She wasn't at dinner…Kagome remembered, watching her cousin with interest. What could have scared her tonight?

 

Her answer was found as suddenly, Lord Naraku emerged from a darkened doorway, grinning maliciously. Kikyou stumbled back, gasping, “Oni…gumo?”

 

Lord Naraku's smirk only widened, and as he came into the light, Kikyou realized her mistake. Trying to compose herself, she stood up. “Oh, it is only you, Lord Naraku. Forgive my mistake.” She turned away, to make an escape, but quicker than expected, Naraku was in front of her, cutting her off.

 

“So, my fair Lady Kikyou, even after Onigumo's death, you still look around corners, making sure he is not watching you from the shadows.” he taunted while watched by Kagome, her heart pounding at the oddness of the scene.

 

But Kikyou, in an attempt to keep her composure, merely turned away and asked, “And what would you know about it, Lord Naraku? You are merely a friend of Lord Onigumo's that inherited his wealth on his untimely death. You just happen to look like him, that is all.”

 

Another cold laugh came from Naraku that chilled Kagome to the bone. “Oh dear Kikyou, Lord Onigumo couldn't have possibly resisted you,” he leaned closer to Kikyou, his malicious maroon eyes meeting her own dark, afraid ones. “After all, you are the most beautiful woman in the entire kingdom.” He leaned closer, grinning the whole time, but far too close for Kikyou. She stepped away with one long stride, her red and white skirts swishing behind her.

 

“You shouldn't say such things at all, Lord Naraku. After all, you are the princess's betrothed, and you would not want to cause a scandal.”

 

Once again, Naraku chuckled, making both women on the scene disturbed by his behavior. Why was he acting so…so eerie? Kikyou stood firm, even if Kagome hid herself further behind the tapestry, holding a hand to her frantically beating heart. Was Inuyasha right? Is there something else going on here?

 

Leaning ever closer, Lord Naraku drawled in her ear, “You jest, Kikyou. The sweet Princess Kagome doesn't have to know about this little intrigue. But just to let you know, I will be watching you from now on, and if you go running to anyone else, including that ignorant half-breed, then you will find that there are worse things than a man stalking you, seeped in sinful lust.”

 

Kikyou's strong face failed, and she quivered a moment as Lord Naraku walked away with an evil grin on his face, oblivious to the fact that the whole scene had been observed by the very person he had tried to keep it from. After a moment, Kikyou looked around to see if anyone else was nearby, before running off, frantically pondering what he had meant.

 

But she wasn't the only one. Kagome too had her thoughts on the scene. I knew there was something…something sinister about him…not that it will get me out of a marriage, however…

 

Still…he does seem a bit like Lord Onigumo, but its impossible that they are the same person…Inuyasha saw Lord Onigumo die! Lord Naraku and Lord Onigumo are two different people…aren't they?