InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Seasons of the Heart ❯ deux ( Chapter 2 )

tiarella_cordifolia

The Seasons of the Heart

~ Kikyo's Grief Journal ~

Many claim that they know Pain, but do they truly understand it? Pain within itself is an oxymoron. It can bring Understanding, and Misconception. It can bring Grief, and undeniable Pleasure. Bliss even.

But perhaps Pain doesn't bring anything. Perhaps, it's just a Deception of Life.

Either way, this is my story, and my experience,

My Pain.

-Disclaimer: The original "Inuyasha" does not belong to me. I only hold claim to any original characters, original story line, and/or original literature/writing style.

-Inuyasha Fanfiction =The Season's of the Heart= Author pen name: tiarella_cordifolia;

Based on "Inuyasha" the manga/movie. Rated PG-13. To be safe.

Genre: General/Romance/Angst

Green leaves.

They dawn in their Dawn of Life. They grow yellow, blush a crimson red at their quickly fading strength to hold on to Life. They fade with the passing days. To be admired when their existence is still acknowledged, but forgotten just as quickly as they disappear, just like a thousand before them.

What makes me an exception to Life then?

What makes me an exception to Death?

Do I have a right to stay here in the Undecided for so long? What makes me an exception to the rules of Life in general?

I doubt many understand what Life and Death really is. Even I do not truly know the path. But through my years of wandering, I have discovered many more theories to Life and Death.

Life and Death are linked. Many look at the two as if they were entirely two different things. But in a way, it is Death that makes Life possible, as it is Life that makes Death possible.

Life, it is a journey, a sacred pilgrimage. A path that must be taken, where one learns of Responsibility, Love, Duty, and Purpose.

Death, it is a mirror, a mirror in which that reflects the entire meaning of Life. It puts Life in perspective.

Life goes into Death.

Life everlasting.

Perhaps, why I was allowed to roam these lands for so long, is because I have not learned the true meaning of Life. But what is Life?

What was my Life?

Growing up, being a trained miko, I learned of Duty and Responsibility. Many claim Duty and Responsibility are one of the same, but I never saw it as such. Duty, duty is a task, a burden that is placed upon you. You can't choose Duty, Duty chooses you. Responsibility on the other hand, in a way, it is like Duty, because it too, is a burden. But this burden is heavier, more significant.

It is a burden tat you place on yourself.

Inuyasha taught me that.

Inuyasha…

Once, I thought I loved him. And once, I thought I hated him. Inuyasha, he taught me a lot of things. Everything I learned in Life and Death, it all comes back to Inuyasha. He's the core of my being.

But he is not my Purpose. Not like what I once thought. He was Kagome's Purpose. He was my core. He was his own being.

I think, during Death, I somehow forgot that. I was so blinded by my need, my need for the main anchor to Life, that I forgot what Inuyasha really meant to me.

I did love him. I also did hate him. It was my Hate that tore away my Love.

I refused to believe this once. I always reminded myself, it was he who caused my Death. He who caused me Hate. He who tarnished me. Me, who was supposed to be pure, Pure of Death and Hate.

But I was wrong.

It was not until Kagome faced me, asked me that one question I refused to answer myself, that I finally understood. Kagome, she was my rival, she was everything that I once was, perhaps better. She loved everyone unconditionally. She was Pure in every which way.

I, I was not. In Life, I was always so focused on my own Pain, that I sometimes forgot others. I always blamed others for my Duty. Then Inuyasha came, and he taught me the difference between Duty and Responsibility. He changed me for the better, and for the worst. He was the one of guided me. And I took him for granted.

I needed him. In both Heart and Soul. I just never realized it. And I took his Love for granted. I felt, it was his Duty to turn into a human for me. I refused to take him for who he was.

And yet, he took me for who I was.

That perhaps was and still is, my deepest regret. My grave mistake.

And Kagome showed it to me.

It was a normal day in the Undecided, where I'd chase after Inuyasha. I wished to drag him to Death with me. Because he was my core. And when he flat out refused me, I went after his Purpose. His Friends, his Kagome.

But Kagome, she wouldn't give in. No matter how much I told her, how much I explained that Inuyasha was mine, my core, my being, she wouldn't give in.

"Inuyasha isn't yours to have. He isn't mine either. He's his own being."

I didn't understand what she meant. Ofcourse he was mine. He was my core wasn't he? He therefore belonged to me!

"Tell me, Kikyo. Tell me, when you were Alive, did you love Inuyasha?"

Did I love Inuyasha? That question. The very question that plagued me in both Life and Death. The question I never answered.

In truth, I did love Inuyasha. I just never brought myself to Commit. Yet, I wanted Inuyasha to Commit. I always knew he was my core, but I never wondered why.

It was because of my Love for him.

Inuyasha. My Love. And Kagome showed it to me.

And I realized, it wasn't Inuyasha's Duty to Commit. It was more of a Responsibility, a Responsibility that he has to choose. And he did choose it, but he also chose to protect Kagome. He didn't Commit as a Whole. He couldn't. I wasn't his Purpose.

And I was too blind to see that.

In the end, I just wandered. Asking dozens of questions. Questioning my Purpose. My role in this Realm.

If Inuyasha wasn't my Purpose, what was?

"The only grief that does not end is grief that has not been fully faced"

_

….to be continued.