InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Syndrome ❯ List the Reasons Why ( Chapter 29 )

Chapter 29 - List the Reasons Why

 

 

 

Kagome walked quietly to the bathroom, closed the door behind her, and sat down on the lid of the toilet. Her shoulders were shaking slightly as she fought to hold back the tears. Why? Why did her brain have to do that to her? Why did she need to be reminded of that night? Why did she need to be reminded of her feelings for the taiyoukai she could never have? Why couldn't things be different?

 

Finally she lost the battle and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stay silent. Just like she'd expected there was a soft knock on the door before Inuyasha opened it and came inside.

 

“Kagome?” he asked softy. “Kagome, what's the matter? Why are you crying?” He knelt down in front of her and she threw her arms around his neck before sobbing into his shoulder.

 

“It was just a dream. It had to be. It couldn't have been him. He never would have…”

 

“Hey, shhh,” he whispered, his arms wrapping around her. He hated it when she cried. It physically hurt him to see her so upset. “Whatever it is, we'll figure it out, okay?” He just held her in his arms while she cried; thanking every Kami he could think of when her sobs slowed to sniffles. “You wanna talk about it now?”

 

Kagome nodded slightly and pulled back, wiping at her tear stained cheeks. “The Halloween dance, the one that the mystery vampire was at…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Well, I dreamt about it last night. I hadn't dreamt about it for years now, but I was thinking about it yesterday afternoon so I guess… Well, the dream… it was different than the others. He asked me if I still wanted to know who he was. His makeup came off and I took off his sunglasses and… it was your brother.”

 

Inuyasha stiffened for a moment before forcing himself to relax. He knew it was going to take some time to get used to the idea, but it wasn't easy just accepting that Kagome was meant for Sesshoumaru. “Why did that make you cry?”

 

“Because it couldn't have been him! Sesshoumaru would never want to dance with me or kiss me like the vampire did. He wouldn't go to all the trouble of hiding his identity, not for a human.”

 

 

Once again Inuyasha tensed. She was crying because she wanted it to be his brother but she was certain it wasn't? That was what it sounded like at least. “Kagome, do you want it to have been him?”

 

“It doesn't matter what I want. It couldn't have been him.”

 

“Answer the question, wench,” he said with a nudge of his head against her hand, her fingers moving on their own to rub a silvery white puppy ear.

 

“Yes, okay? Yes, I wish it was really him.”

 

He was almost afraid to ask his next question but he sucked it up and asked anyway. “Kagome, do you have feelings for Sesshoumaru?” He watched as her eyes widened. “You do, don't you? Kagome, if you like him it's alright with me, okay? You don't need to hide it. We'll all understand.”

 

“But he… it doesn't matter anyway! He would never be interested in me, so why bother?”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

Kagome gave him a `what the fuck?' look. “Why do I say that? What's wrong with you? Did you hit your head or something? He hates humans. He hates hanyou. Why would he ever be interested in me, a human, who would give him what? Hanyou! Why do I say that? Kami, Inuyasha! Have you lost your mind or have you just completely forgotten who Sesshoumaru is?”

 

Kagome's yelling drew a crowd and soon she was surrounded by Inuyasha, Shippo, Miroku, and Bankotsu. They were all giving her the oddest look. “What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Has everyone lost their damn minds?”

 

Bankotsu sighed and ran a hand over his face. He wasn't even sure how to begin but she needed to hear it, and apparently from them. “Look, Kaggie, not everything you know about him is the truth, okay?”

 

“Tell him what you said about the dream, Kags,” Inuyasha said.

 

“Fine, fine, I dreamt about the Halloween dance, only this time the vampire let me see who he was and it was Sesshoumaru. It was just a dream, okay? There's no way that was really him!”

 

“Umm, Kagome?” Shippo said hesitantly.

 

“What?” she growled in frustration. She wasn't even allowed to feel sorry for herself in peace.

 

“What would you say if we told you that it really was him?”

 

“How would you know?” she asked Shippo rather loudly, making the kitsune wish he hadn't opened his mouth at all. “You weren't even there!”

 

“He didn't need to be there Kagome,” Miroku saved the poor fox by answering for him. “It was him. Sesshoumaru told us yesterday.”

 

“But… What… How… Why… God Damn It! What the FUCK is going on around here? Why would he ever do that? And why would he tell you if he did?”

 

 

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

 

 

He could hear her yelling in the bathroom but he didn't know what to do about it. She seemed angry that it was him while at the same time refusing to believe that it was a possibility. How could he let her know that it really was him without incurring her wrath? And how could he tell her without having to explain that he could direct her dreams? That was something he wasn't ready to share just yet. Add to that the fact that she'd closed the door behind her when she left… well, he didn't really have a lot of choices at the moment. He simply lay there soaking in her scent and waiting for her to return. She would have to come back eventually to get dressed for her classes anyway.

 

 

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

 

 

“Kagome! Chill, babe!” Inuyasha said loud enough to be heard over her cursing. When she finally stopped he laughed. “You know we can't explain it, but you need to just forget everything you think you know about Sesshoumaru, okay?”

 

Her eyes widened before narrowing at them in suspicion. “He said that in my dream last night, almost those exact words. What is going on?”

 

“I wanna know what happened to the Kagome who rolled with the punches. Babe, no one's gonna be able to tell you, so just accept it and let it go. See where it leads you. You have feelings for him, don't you? Ones that you've been hiding and fighting, right? Just let it go. Let yourself feel what you feel.”

 

“Okay, yesterday you were fighting with him, provoking him so I wouldn't be his friend, and now… now you encourage me to having feelings for him? Why should I? If I let myself have feelings for him I'm just going to get my heart broken like I did that night when the perfect guy just walked out of my life and then again the next year too! No, I refuse to let that happen again, especially when I know better!”

 

“What if we could promise you your heart wouldn't get broken?” Miroku asked, causing the other guys to glare at him. “What? It's just a question.”

 

“You can't promise that and if you did I'd just think you lost your mind. It's ridiculous. Now, I need to take a shower and get to class, alright?” When no one moved Kagome stood up and pushed her way past them and out of the overcrowded bathroom. She threw the door to Sesshoumaru's room open hard enough that the knob became imbedded in the preexisting hole. She stopped in the middle of the room and glared at the large white inu looking at her from his place on the bed. “I want answers and since they won't give them to me god damn it, then you will!”

 

`There are some things this Sesshoumaru cannot say at this time, but if I can answer I will.'

 

“Finally, someone with some guts! First, at the dance, was that really you?” He nodded. “And at the party?” He nodded again. “Why did you hide who you were and why did you want to dance with me in the first place?”

 

He thought about it for a few moments before deciding that honesty was the best and probably the only way to go. `This Sesshoumaru is attracted to you but I believed that you would not wish to dance with me if you knew who I was.' That shut Kagome up and left her with her jaw sitting on the ground. `Is it really so hard to believe?'

 

“Ummm, yeah,” she said sarcastically. “It is that hard to believe. In fact, I don't believe it at all.”

 

`And why is that?'

 

“I could list the reasons all day long,” she said while digging through the closet, finally yanking out what she was looking for. On her way to the door she grabbed a bra and panty set and then she disappeared into the hall, this time leaving the door open so he could get out.

 

 

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

 

 

Sesshoumaru walked slowly out of the room after the bathroom door slammed hard enough to rattle the pictures hanging in the hall. He was met by four expectant faces and once again had the urge to roll his eyes.

 

“Huh,” Inuyasha chuckled. “You come right out and say it and she won't buy it. How's that for irony?”

 

“Inuyasha!” Miroku scolded while Bank slapped the back of the hanyou's skull. They both ignored his muttered complaints, more interested in what Sesshoumaru had to say.

 

`This Sesshoumaru cannot force her to believe us.'

 

“Told ya, didn't I? You should have told her who you were that night,” Bank said in an I-told-you-so tone. “Something's bugging me though. The dreams… what are the chances of her dreaming about two different encounters with you in one day? And not only that, they both seem to be telling her something too. So, you wanna illuminate it for us, buddy?”

 

The white inu looked at them for a minute. He didn't know if he wanted to tell them about the dream thing. What if they told her? But then they did seem to be on his side at the moment, willing to help, well, everyone but Inuyasha. The hanyou was still somewhere in the middle. He just couldn't help but enjoy seeing Sesshoumaru floundering for her attention. Hell, he deserved that much after all the crap his older brother had put him through, didn't he? Just a couple of laughs, that's all he wanted.

 

`Father told this Sesshoumaru of the details of the syndrome. It is not all bad. There are several things that may work to my advantage and assist in my task. Being able to guide her dreams is one of them.'

 

“I thought it was something like that,” Bankotsu replied. “So… what now? How are you going to convince her you're telling the truth?”

 

`This Sesshoumaru has no idea.'

 

“I think she just needs a little time to get used to the idea. I mean, she's been fighting her feelings, hiding them from her best friends for years, and now she's supposed to just let them out?” Miroku thought aloud. “She's scared, that's all. Scared of getting hurt and confused as hell. A little time… she'll get over it.”

 

`Too bad time is the only thing I lack.'

 

The sound of Kagome singing in the shower distracted them all for a moment before Bankotsu regained their attention. “We ought to go downstairs and make some coffee, maybe breakfast too. If she stays angry now the rest of her day will be crappy.” Everyone nodded their agreement and after another glance at the door that separated them from an obviously pissed off miko they all headed to the kitchen.

 

 

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

 

 

Kagome nearly ripped her shirt off as she tugged it over her head. Her panties didn't fare much better, and soon found themselves hanging from the light fixture, having taken flight when she kicked them off forcefully. She leaned into the shower and turned on the water. `Why? Is it really that funny to play with someone's emotions? I've never done anything to him… well, besides dumping food on his floor, but he was asking for that.' She checked the water temperature before slipping into already steamy space, her lips moving on their own.

 

“Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take, every feeling that I get, but I haven't missed you yet…”

 

While she stood under the nearly scalding water, Kagome's thoughts were miles away… years away really. She was thinking about freshman orientation. Had she really felt it that strongly when she looked at him, when their eyes met? How could she even for a moment have feelings for someone so cruel, someone who tormented one of her best friends for the way he was born?

 

“Every roommate kept awake, by every sigh and scream we make, all the feelings that I get, but I still don't miss you yet…”

 

Okay, so she did feel it. She could admit that. There had been this incredible pull, but it didn't last long. No, she was lying to herself again. The pull was always there, no matter how hard she tried to end the sensation, no matter how deep down she shoved her feelings. For a long time she'd been disgusted with herself for even entertaining the idea once she'd witnessed his actions, his bigotry.

 

“Only when I stop to think about it…”

 

He'd always been a jerk, not just to Inuyasha but to all of them… though the longer she thought about it the more she began to notice that he was almost never purposely cruel to her. Still, even if he did treat her differently, that didn't make up for how he treated everyone else.

 

“I hate everything about you! Why do I love you? I hate everything about you!
Why do I love you?”

 

Why would they encourage her to feel something for him? Why would her friends want her to get her heart handed back to her, nothing but a pile of dust left over from when the great and terrible taiyoukai crushed it effortlessly with one hand?

 

“Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take, every feeling that I get, but I haven't missed you yet…”

 

Then there was the dance. He'd been so perfect, gone to such lengths. She didn't have any idea how he knew about her interest in vampires at the time, but she very much doubted it was just a lucky coincidence. And then the next year too! She'd felt it then, both times, the pull, the draw, the jolt of electricity that hummed through her body all night. But what did it mean?

 

 

“Only when I stop to think about it…”

 

She couldn't be meant to have feelings for him! It was just ridiculous! No, it was just her attraction to demons in general that drew her in. It had nothing to do with Sesshoumaru himself. It couldn't.

 

“I hate everything about you! Why do I love you? I hate everything about you! Why do I love you?”

 

And what about the syndrome? His beast wanted a certain girl while the usual Sesshoumaru denied his feelings. He was certain that the girl he wanted didn't see him. He said she was guaranteed to reject him. In her dream last night… he said he didn't tell her who he was because he was sure that if he did she wouldn't dance with him. So then… did he…

 

“Only when I stop to think about you, I know. Only when you stop to think about me, do you know…”

 

No, there was no way Sesshoumaru really wanted her. There was no way his beast, no matter how sweet it seemed, would choose a human girl, a miko no less. The longer she thought about it though, the more the big picture began to form before her. The secrets hadn't started right away. When he'd changed that night the guys had explained what they knew to her. She knew then that they hadn't left anything out. It wasn't until she woke the next morning that it was different.

 

“I hate everything about you! Why do I love you? You hate everything about me! Why do you love me?”

 

That was when the real tension started. Katsuro knew too, she was sure of it. Somehow they'd either guessed or Sesshoumaru had told them the identity of the girl, if she was guessing right at least, and she was pretty sure she was. She remembered the elder taiyoukai's words, the ones Inuyasha had gotten so upset about.

 

`My dear Kagome, I don't think there is any chance of the beast getting what it wants.'

 

“I hate…”

 

`Yes my dear, but what the beast wants is not easily attainable. My son has a bad habit of pushing people away and this time is no different.'

“You hate…”

 

“But this girl is special. She would not want him for his appearance, his money, or his power. The girl he desires would have to truly love him as he loves her.”

 

“I hate…”

 

No wonder Inuyasha had been worried about her `friendship' with Sesshoumaru. It was never intended to be such. The beast wanted her as its mate and it was willing to kill Sesshoumaru to get her. But why didn't he just tell her? Why not talk to her, tell her he liked her? Why did he have to keep her locked outside in the cold? If he really wanted her… Katsuro dropped more hints too, like he wanted to tell her but couldn't. Maybe he really couldn't.

 

“You love me…”

 

`He wishes for me to tell you that it is not a demoness he desires.'

 

“I hate everything about you…”

 

`Not everything about Sesshoumaru is truly as it seemed. He does not hate all humans and he does not desire a demoness. I cannot tell you more and it would be wise not to ask.'

 

“Why do I love you?”

 

So what was a girl to do? Sesshoumaru apparently had feelings for her and had for a while. For some reason he couldn't just talk to her, couldn't show his interest in any normal way. Of course he would have to make things difficult. If he really cared wouldn't he try to make some kind of positive impression rather than giving her an almost daily reminder as to why she refused to like him in the first place? How much could he really like her if he could still be such a jerk?

 

Apparently a lot if she was to believe their father, and she knew he would never lie. Katsuro had said that Sesshoumaru loved the mystery girl. It was still nearly impossibly to believe, that the cold, heartless, and cruel taiyoukai could love at all, let alone love her.

 

Finally stepping out of the shower, somewhere between a prune and a lobster, Kagome wiped off the steamy mirror and looked at her distorted image. `Fine,' she thought. `Fine, Sesshoumaru is in love with me. Sesshoumaru wants me for his mate. So what? So long as he's a jerk there is no way I would ever date him, let alone mate him! He's gonna have some work to do.'

 

Kagome glared at her reflection. No, she wasn't going to make this easy on him. Just because she had feelings for him didn't mean she would rush into his arms. Just because she was drawn to him didn't mean they were meant to be together. She wasn't ready to entrust her heart to a demon who had never shown anything but hatred, bigotry, and cruelty. He would have to show her a whole other side of him before she would even consider it.

 

`He needs to man up and tell me how he feels, and not just when I demand answers. How could I be his mate if he treats my friends like dirt? I can't. How do I even know he would treat me well? It's his beast that's being open and sweet, not Sesshoumaru. How can they think I should give my feelings for him a chance? Have they forgotten everything he's done and said over the years?'

 

She couldn't help the single tear that rolled down her cheek. She wanted to… she really, really wanted to just tell him she loved him and hope for the best, but that would be stupid, naïve. He was going to have to work for it, for her love, for her trust, everything. He wasn't in very good standing with her at the moment.

 

“But… but I will give him a chance…” she whispered before looking away from the mirror, toweling off and getting dressed. “One last chance…”

 

 

@@@@@The Syndrome@@@@@

 

 

Downstairs in the kitchen Sesshoumaru sat and watched as Bank made coffee and Miroku heated up last night's pizza. Apparently `breakfast' did not require actual breakfast food in their opinion. This was the second time that he saw them eat leftovers for breakfast. He wanted to shake his head at them. They loved her and claimed to `take care of her' and yet they allowed her to eat garbage. Didn't they have any concern for her health? Watching as Bank poured a travel cup of coffee, adding more milk and sugar than actual coffee, he could no longer resist the urge to shake his head. Sure, if it made her happy it was worth it, but still… when she was his he would care for her properly.

 

He liked that thought. `When' instead of `if'. Even though she was angry at the moment, he now knew for sure that she had feelings for him hiding somewhere inside. He wondered… the person she was talking about the day before, the one she believed she loved that had apparently not reciprocated the feelings… was it possible she was talking about her `mystery' vampire? Maybe Bankotsu was right after all. Maybe he should have taken the chance then and told her who he was. Of course maybes and what-ifs didn't help him now anyway, but the knowledge that she'd felt something so strongly towards him without knowing it was him… he was going to have to ask her about that. Hopefully his guess was right; because he was sure he couldn't stand it if she'd ever loved someone else like he wanted - no - needed her love.

 

Shippo had been kind enough to pour him a bowl of dry cereal and a bowl of coffee, black, so he could eat something without too much mess. Drinking coffee like a dog though, it just wasn't the same. Sesshoumaru was really beginning to hope that the beast would return control sooner rather than later. He could handle it now! He was sure he could manage to talk to her like the beast had been. Not only that. He could do so much more in his usual form. If she was aroused by the dreams, he could only imagine how much more he could excite her in person. It was an experiment he was more than looking forward to.

 

He had been dying to touch her for so long that the frustration was absolutely crushing. What would it be like to be with a female that actually turned him on? What would it be like to touch her body, to feel her touch without the pain that seemed to be meant to remind him of just who was or wasn't touching him. The scent of her arousal was absolutely delicious and both he and his beast were rather anxious to get a taste. And to lose his virginity? Finally?

 

But it wasn't all about the physical. He wanted her to laugh for him, not doggy him, but actual him. He wanted to make her smile. He wanted to talk to her, to share things he'd never shared with another living soul. He wanted her as a friend just as much, if not more than as a lover. A mate was so much more than someone to fuck. It was someone to share every aspect of his life with, and though until now he'd lived a primarily solitary existence, he couldn't deny the need for companionship and affection. He needed her, all of her, and he finally felt like he might just have a chance.

 

All five males looked up at the ceiling for a moment when both the singing and the sound of the shower ended before returning to their conversations and breakfasts. It was a few minutes later that Sesshoumaru experienced the strangest sensation. For no reason he could determine the pain lessened, his heart lightened. Something had somehow changed, but what? Whatever it was, it was definitely a good thing.

 

Another few minutes passed before Kagome came down the stairs. She didn't look at any of them when she stalked into the kitchen, so Bankotsu called her name softly before handing her the cup of coffee he'd made. She smiled at him, but somehow the smile seemed hollow. Something was bothering her. Of course they already knew that, but for her to not be able to truly smile it had to be bothering her quite a bit.

 

“Kagome?” Miroku asked gently.

 

“Yeah?” Kagome replied with a sigh.

 

“Are you alright?”

 

There was a moment of silence while she contemplated the question and her possible answers. “Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed to think. I've made a decision. Now we just wait and see.”

 

They all looked at her in confusion. She'd made a decision? What kind of decision? Sesshoumaru had never felt quite so nervous in all his life. What if she'd decided against him? What if she refused to give him another chance?

 

“Kagome?” Shippo asked this time.

 

“Nope. Don't bother asking. I refuse to make things easy for him. He had a million and one chances and he didn't take a single one.” She paused while taking a swig of her coffee. “Thanks Bankie. I needed this.” She grabbed a slice of pizza from the plate Miroku held out to her and thanked him as well. They were all treated to a good-bye kiss on the cheek, well, everyone but the very jealous, confused, and worried dog on the floor. “I'm going to class. I'll see you guys later.”

 

The guys looked at each other for a moment, confused by the quick shift in her mood, before looking at Sesshoumaru. Or they would have looked at Sesshoumaru if he'd still been there, but he was gone.

 

“Chasin' the wench, I'll bet,” Inuyasha laughed. “Kagome had a big ass dog, whose fur was white as snow.”

 

Bank laughed and continued. “Everywhere Kagome went the dog was sure to go.”

 

“He followed her to school one day, which was against the rules,” Miroku sang in a child-like tone.

 

“It made the students laugh and say `He barks, he bites, he drools!'” Shippo ended before they all broke down in laughter. It was a good thing Sesshoumaru was gone or they would have all found themselves treated to a few bites of their own.

 

 

 

Author's Note:

 

If you've been paying attention to my livejournal you'll know that I've been miserable and sick for like months now. Well, went to the doctor again because I felt the cold creeping into my lungs… and when that happens I almost always end up in the emergency room barely breathing… and he was so kind as to tell me I'm working on getting pneumonia.

 

I've been trying to keep writing and do everything else I want/need to do, but I am so exhausted because my body is trying to fight this. I guess my heart rate was through the roof. I just need to sleep, and of course, my newly five year old won't let that happen, but I'm gonna do my best to stay on the couch and rest in hopes that I won't end up hospitalized.

 

Anyway, my point, if you don't see or hear from me, updates, new stories, live journal contest entries… I'm not dead. I just wish I was. I doubt I'll be checking my email very often. Even with the laptop, just looking at the screen makes me wanna hide under the covers. Sorry to keep you all waiting. I know I usually have rather timely updates, at least on syndrome lately, but I doubt it'll be updated again for at least a week or two.