InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ True Companion ❯ Time ( Chapter 6 )

Disclaimer: "HE’S MINE I TELL YOU, MINE!"

::young men in clean white coats drag me to the back of a white van::

"Yes, of course he is yours." ::turns to other medic:: "She’s completely delusional, poor thing."

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After her bath Rin and Saka spent most of the day wandering in the garden. It was so beautiful and serene that Rin was able to relax again. Her mind was still racing with questions and fears, but she pushed them aside and let herself admire the tranquility of the scene before her. Flowers of every color bloomed along the intricately designed path, which allowed a person to follow it to any part of the heavenly land they wished to see.

As they walked, Rin found a particular flower and kept returning to look upon it. She wasn’t sure why she loved it so much but neither could she stop herself from being drawn to admire its beauty. Tiring a little, Rin decided to sit down and study the flower to try and find out what her attraction to it was. Saka stayed standing behind her with a quite smile on her face.

"You really love this flower, don’t you?" Rin nodded not pulling her gaze from the lovely image before her. "Why?"

"I don’t know. I was trying to figure that out. I just feel like…like I want to stay here and look at it."

"I think I know why."

Rin finally turned to her. "Why?"

"For the same reason our previous lady loved it. She had found it growing wild in a field and loved it so dearly that InuTaisho-sama had it brought here so she could admire it."

"He did that, for a human?"

Saka looked at her, a fleeting sadness passed over her face. "Human or not she was still the mate to InuTaisho-sama, bearing him a child. He loved her very much."

She was very lucky then. Rin shook the thought from her mind. "Why did she like the flower so much?"

"Look at it very carefully, what does it remind you of?"

Rin examined the flower even more. It was the most exquisite thing she had ever seen. It grew from a bush much like roses but bloomed more like a sunflower. A bright amber color graced the middle to which white petals stretched out, reaching to find the warmth of the waiting sun. The dew sticking to the edges of the silken petals made them glisten as the yellow rays passed through them, giving each one a unique and glorious shimmer of silver.

She wanted to reach out and pluck one so as to have it close to her, but to rip such a pristine creature from its home would be unthinkable. Instead she closed her eyes and imagined the flower in her hand, its soft petals caressing her fingers. Its beautiful, soft, silver petals. The amber center gazing up at her. Yes, gazing like a radiant, perfect being watching her. Rin opened her eye as her realization came.

"Sesshoumaru-sama."

Rin hadn’t notice Saka move but found her kneeling behind her. "He looks so very similar to InuTaisho-sama, it is easy to believe you both love it for the same reason."

Love? Rin stood up suddenly forcing Saka onto the ground confused by her reaction. "Rin, are you well?"

"I am tired. I want to go to bed, if I may." Rin could feel the water collecting in her eyes.

"It is still rather early," Saka said standing up and brushing the dirt from her kimono. "You haven’t had supper yet and it would be best if you tried to return to a normal routine."

Rin kept her back to Saka. "I have no appetite and am very tired. I would like to go to sleep." She surprised herself with the even tone she was able to maintain in her voice.

"At least wait till you have supper. You are still regaining your strength."

Rin could not hold her tears back much longer and did not wish Saka to see her cry for she knew she would be questioned. "I am going to my room. I do not want any food." She hurried off leaving Saka standing there completely confused.

When she was finally out of Saka’s sight Rin ran into the castle heading straight for her room. She made it to the corridor that led to her small sanctuary when she crashed into Sesshoumaru causing her small body to tumble back to the staircase. She felt her foot slip off the landing and the earth’s pull dragging her headfirst to the hard stone stairs. Just as she was sure her body would connect with the sharp edge of the stone a hand grabbed her around the waist and held her still. Sesshoumaru carefully lifted Rin back to the landing and looked down at her, that small hint of emotion in the back of his eyes.

"Rin."

She bolted for her room and slammed the door shut before running and collapsing on her bed.

I can’t let him see my weakness again. I can’t let him watch me crying. I can’t stand to see that look in his eyes. He hates humans! I am just another weak human! I can do nothing! Why does he keep me here? I am nothing but a burden to him, a weak human he has to watch over. But why? Why watch over me? I am weak! I am worthless! I am human! He hates humans!

Is that what he feels? That look he gives me? Is it hate? Hate toward this pathetic human wretch? Does he even care for me? Why would he save me if he didn’t care for me? But how can he care for something he hates?

Why do I have to be weak! Why do I have to be human! Why do I have to be alive! Rin placed her nail to the back of her neck and pressed them in, careful not to break skin, but with enough force to cause pain.

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Saka headed for the castle. It had taken a moment for her to get over Rin’s sudden outburst and knew Sesshoumaru would be angry if he found out she had let the distressed girl go off on her own. After her self-abuse in the bath house it could be dangerous for her to be on her own in a panicked state. As the castle came into view Saka saw Sesshoumaru approaching her, and he was not in his pristine calmness. His face was expressionless as usual, but she could tell by his hasty movements and clenched fist that he had seen Rin.

Saka took a deep breath and readied herself for the confrontation. Sesshoumaru stopped in front of her, his emotionless eyes boring deeply into her as he waited for her to speak. "Sesshoumaru-sama, forgive me for not being with Rin. She left so abruptly it caught me off guard. I will not let it happen again."

"What happened?" his voice low and even.

"I am not quite sure. We were simply talking in the garden when she stood up and ran off. I don’t know what I said to cause such a reaction."

Sesshoumaru looked over her shoulder to the garden and Saka almost thought she saw pain in his eyes. Almost. "Do not let it happen again," he said before walking back into the castle.

Saka let out a sigh of relief, she had not expected to be let off so easily. She knew Sesshoumaru had a much fiercer temperament than his father, but she was Rin’s only support at the moment so that probably gave her protection from his wrath. She pitied the next person to come into contact with Sesshoumaru.

Remembering that she had just been let off Saka hurried to Rin’s room. She quietly entered to find Rin asleep in her bed. Her legs were twisted together at unusual angles, her teeth pulled her lower lip tightly into her mouth, and her fingernails were clenching the skin on her neck.

Saka gently untangled Rin’s legs and removed her fingers from her neck. Small imprints of her fingers were visible on her neck and she knew Sesshoumaru would not be pleased to see them. Saka did not try and stop Rin from biting her lip for fear of waking her. She sat on the bed next to her and lightly stroked Rin’s hair.

You’ve been hurting yourself again. What is it that made you do this? You seemed so peaceful in the garden, what happened? Why won’t you tell anyone what happened to you? You do not have to bear this on your own. No one should have to bear this on their own. What is it you fear most?

Rin’s head twitched beneath her hand. Her teeth bit deeper into her lip till they drew blood. Saka tried to wake her but the nightmare would not release its prey so easily.

"Rin, wake up," she called louder and shook Rin’s shoulder but to no avail.

Suddenly Rin’s hands thrust to her own neck and she began clawing at her skin. Blood splattered on the covers beneath them and on Saka herself as she tried to take hold of Rin’s hands and stop her unconscious abuse.

"Rin wake up! Rin!" The only response Saka received was the most blood curdling screams she had ever heard. Her hands shook as she continued to try and catch Rin’s arms. What are you dreaming?

Then in one swift movement a hand came forward, took both of Rin’s wrists, and pulled her up. White fabric was bunched up at the elbow, which was placed in the bend of Rin’s own to hold her steady. "Rin!"

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Rin’s eye shot open at the sound of Sesshoumaru’s voice. Where was she now? If that last thing she knew was right she should be in her room. Rin slowly moved her head around as she tried to control her breathing, which was erratic at best. She was in her room, Saka was beside her looking almost scared, and Sesshoumaru held her shaking arms in his hand.

"Rin, are you all right?"

She stared at his face, tears streaming down her own. She didn’t want to show him her weakness anymore, that was why she had run from him, but the nightmare was too real. She wanted to feel safe from her terrors. She could still remember it. Akki’s body on top of her smaller one, the perverse smile on his face as she finally screamed for him, for the first time. The feel of his claws at her throat as he ripped through her pure and innocent body, defiling her, tainting her. She could still fell the pain between her legs, the endless pain he cause her.

Rin threw herself against Sesshoumaru’s chest and wept violently into his haori. Her body heaved with each sob that escaped her throat. Sesshoumaru released her wrists and placed his hand on her head, stroking her hair with his thumb.

"Rin, what happened in your dream?" Saka asked, placing an arm around her shoulders.

Rin ignored her. She wanted to forget the dream, not relive it again. She leaned closer against Sesshoumaru, her sobs slowly fading away. When she no longer shook beneath him, Sesshoumaru gently pushed Rin back. He brought his hand to the side of her neck.

"Rin, lean you head over."

Confused, Rin complied and immediately felt sharp pains course though her body. She lowered her eyes to her hands to find blood covering the tips. That’s what brought him here. He smelled the blood. Sesshoumaru tenderly wiped blood away from her wounds and examined them.

"They are not deep, let them heal on their own. Your body should not rely on Tenseiga." She nodded, not even wincing at the pain it caused. "Get cleaned up then join me for dinner. You must eat to regain your strength."

Rin was shocked by his request but said nothing as he stood and left the room, leaving Saka to tend to her. She watched as Saka brought over a basin of water and began rinsing off Rin’s neck using cloth torn from her own kimono.

Why does he wish to eat with me? He does not eat what I do, so really only I will be having dinner. Probably he just wishes to ensure that I eat, but why? Why does he care if I do or do not? I am human. Tears ran the now familiar path down her cheeks. Things she once thought she understood completely seemed like meaningless concepts she had used to hide from the truth.

"I am so confused."

Saka wiped her mouth that until then Rin had not noticed to be hurt. "Why? What is it that you do not understand?"

Rin hesitated. "Why does he keep me here?"

"So you can heal. You are here to rest and recover."

"No!" Rin scream came louder than she had meant. "Why does he keep me at all! Why does he not send me away! Why did he bring me back to life!"

Saka brought Rin’s head to her chest and rocked her back and forth. "He does not show it well, but Sesshoumaru-sama cares for you."

"He cannot. I am human."

"You being human doesn’t matter. InuTaisho-sama mated a human woman."

"Sesshoumaru-sama is not like his father, you said so yourself. He is like no one else in the world. He will not care for a human. Humans are weak. Humans are nothing more than a burden. How can he care for such a worthless creature as a human?"

"Is that what you believe? You believe he hates you?"

Rin couldn’t bring herself to say those words, saying them would make them true, and Rin desperately wanted them to be a lie. So instead, Rin merely repeated, "Sesshoumaru-sama hates humans."

Saka kept rocking Rin, trying to comfort her, until a servant came with bandages for Rin’s wounds. As Saka wrapped the thin cloth around her neck Rin kept thinking of what had just happened.

He didn’t pull away from me when I went to him. He didn’t reject me. Why? Doesn’t he hate me? Isn’t he just waiting till he can send me away?

But why wait if he was going to do that? Why would it matter if I died after he left me? Why did he bring me back? Why can’t I believe he cares for me?

He can’t care for me. I am human.

But he has given me life again, he has brought me here.

And I should be ashamed, for forcing him to do such things. He didn’t want to come back. Saka said he hadn’t returned in decades. I forced him here! My weakness brought him here.

But how can a weakness force Sesshoumaru-sama into anything? He is the strongest person alive, how can I force him to do anything? Can it be anything but what he wants to happen? Can he want to take care of me? To love me?

He hates humans! He cannot show care to them! He can’t even stand his hanyou half-brother, and he is kin. How can he care for a human? He cannot love a human!

But he has saved me so many times! He has always come when I needed help!

Yes, I have always caused him trouble. I have always made him risk himself for me. I am a threat to him, too weak to look after myself so I need to be protected and rescued.

But he wants me to learn to protect myself. He wants me to be stronger. He wants me to not need his protection as much. To take care of myself if he is away.

When he is away. When he throws me out to some village and tells me to stay there. Stay with the weak humans of which I was born, of which I should have been raised.

But he raised me! He took care of me! He wanted me with him!

He didn’t want me, I followed him. He didn’t ask me to come with him, he never would have. I am just a curious toy that he has kept, to see what it will do. I am nothing to him, nothing more than a human.

He…will leave me.

Why would he want a disgusting whore in his company? At least before I was pure and innocent. Now, now I am a shame to him. I am nothing.

I am…human.

Sesshoumaru-sama hates humans.

Rin was so deep in thought that she never noticed Saka pulling her from the bed and dressing her in a yellow and green silk kimono. They were halfway down the staircase when Rin finally noticed she had moved. She began dreading every step towards the dinning hall. She didn’t want to disgrace Sesshoumaru anymore with her presence. When they entered Sesshoumaru was already seated at the table, back straight and face as clear and calm as ever. Food had already been prepared and awaited her, but Rin felt no need for sustenance. Saka pulled out the chair for her and Rin sat down, not even daring a quick glance toward Sesshoumaru.

"You will not be needed here," Sesshoumaru said to Saka. She bowed and left them alone.

Rin didn’t look up to Sesshoumaru but neither did she eat. Her stomach felt like it wanted to escape her body and was doing its hardest to climb up her throat.

"Rin, eat."

She steadied her voice. "I am not hungry, Sesshoumaru-sama."

"You have only eaten twice in three days. Eat."

"Three, no six," Rin said unconsciously.

"What?" Sesshoumaru asked, a hint of confusion was notable in his voice. Rin’s eyes widened in horror. She had not meant to say that aloud. "Rin, how long were you a prisoner?"

Rin bit her lower lip causing it to start bleeding again. This was the first time Sesshoumaru had directly questioned Rin on her kidnapping. She didn’t want to answer, but she would not disobey Sesshoumaru. She couldn’t give him a reason to send her away. "As long as Sesshoumaru-sama and Jaken-sama were gone. I was taken while I was preparing to cook my dinner."

Sesshoumaru turned from her and stared at the wall before him. Please, please, do not ask anything more! Rin silently prayed, her hands shaking in her lap.

"Rin," Sesshoumaru began, causing her body tensed, "eat your dinner, you need your strength. I will see you tomorrow during your lesson." She nodded and picked up her chopsticks. After she had started eating Sesshoumaru left.

The rest of the day went by in a blur to Rin. Her mind felt lost in a fog that refused to let her see anything clearly. Saka had taken her back to her room after she finished eating and let her go to bed, though she awoke twice because of her nightmares. The rising sun gave no new light for Rin’s troubled thoughts and she walked through her morning without truly doing anything. Saka was visibly worried about her young ward and did her best to engage Rin’s mind.

"Rin, it is time for your lesson."

Rin looked at Saka, for the first time acknowledging anything she said. "Already?"

"Yes, it is mid-morning. Let’s get you changed and go to the garden."

Rin nodded and once again allowed herself to be led away. Once changed, Saka took Rin out of the castle and to the clearing behind the garden. Touya greeted Rin warmly but she didn’t care to see him, she was looking to find Sesshoumaru, who was no where to be seen.

"Rin, are you well?" Touya asked.

When she couldn’t find Sesshoumaru Rin looked to the ground. "Yes, Touya-sensei."

"Then let us begin."

Rin did as she was told, but no matter how much she stretched or was instructed to relax, her body tensed with each movement she made. She could tell that her resistance annoyed Touya, but she couldn’t help her body’s reactions.

"Rin, why don’t we stop for today, you don’t seem to be able to relax."

"Forgive me, Touya-sensei."

"Rin, are you tired?" Sesshoumaru’s voice came from behind her.

"No, Sesshoumaru-sama." Rin lowered her head and she let out a small sigh.

"Then, Touya, you shall continue her training. She will learn nothing if she does not get beyond stretching."

"Of course Sesshoumaru-sama, but she is not…"

"It’s all right," Rin interrupted. "I will try again, Touya-sensei."

Seemingly outnumbered, Touya began again and this time Rin was able to relax her body. She hoped one day her body wouldn't be scared of Touya, but till then she needed Sesshoumaru there for her to feel safe. She made it through her stretching without having a flashback this time so Touya began her on basic defense. This proved to be harder than Touya had expected. No matter what he did, or how many times Rin was told to move or block, her body froze when Touya approached her.

After a few minutes of this Touya stopped and let Rin rest as he went over to talk with Sesshoumaru. Rin felt her body drained of its energy, fear being one of the most exhausting of emotions. Touya returned to stand in front of her.

"Rin, I think it would be best for you if a woman was your sparring partner for now. We can gradually change you to men, but if you never are able to move to learn the techniques then this is useless." She nodded. "Good, then we will stop for today. Tomorrow I will bring another one of my students, she will help with your training."

"Thank you, Touya-sensei." Rin bowed to Touya and went back to the castle with Saka.

Slowly, the days fell into a simple routine. Rin would wake up, have breakfast, and then go to her lessons. The woman Touya brought, Terra, was a monkey demon and very strong in her skill. With Terra as her partner Rin began to learn mild defense, though Sesshoumaru still attended each of her lessons. After her lesson she bathed then went to the garden if the weather permitted. Saka often found something for her to do after lunch; sometimes she read a book from the castle library while other times she would just go out and sit with Ahun who always enjoyed her company.

Saka tried many times to get Rin to play her flute, a gift from Sesshoumaru when she was a child, but every time Rin put it to her lips she found her breath would not come, as if her body refused to let her play. Once Rin had dinner she would often return to the garden before heading off to bed.

As days turned to weeks Rin found she was improving, it was slow and tiring, but there was improvement. Her nightmares still came, but only once a night and she didn’t wake up screaming because of them. Her daytime flashes still remained, but it often took a very strong influence to bring them out and as long as Sesshoumaru called her she would come out of them immediately.

Even her feelings of shame and disgrace were fading away. She was no longer able to deny the fact that Sesshoumaru took care of her. Though she didn’t know what it was he thought or felt, she was finally accepting the idea he would not leave her. All the time spent to teach her, all the years he raised her, the simple fact when she was lost in one of her nightmares he would bring her out of it made her feel secure. There were still fears in her, terrors that haunted her, but she was starting to overcome them.

After four months at the castle Rin was able to sleep through the night and only have a nightmare once or twice a week. Her daytime flashes were all but gone and she actually caught herself smiling and laughing again. She had been able to spar against Touya without freezing up or screaming and he had even taught her a few offensive moves. One thing that disturbed her was she still couldn’t play her flute, but she believed in time she would again.

For all the progress Rin made uneasiness grew in her. She found herself snapping at Saka for no reason, only to immediately regret it. She spent hours in the garden just walking, not even thinking or knowing what she was doing, just walking. Her appetite left her again and she had to be forced to the table to eat. Her mind seemed unable to focus on her lessons with Touya so much so that one day she just left her lesson not caring what would happen.

One night, a few days after she left her lesson, Rin left her room and ran to the garden. The room felt so small and constricted, she wanted to be outside. She went to her favorite spot in the garden, the bushes baring the beautiful white flowers, and sat staring at them. She figured out long before that watching them calmed her, but this night as she stared at the flowers, dew sticking to the petals and reflecting the light of the full moon in the sky, Rin wept.

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Saka hurried along the dimly lit corridors of the castle towards Sesshoumaru’s chambers. She was shocked when a servant came and summoned at such a late hour, but when Sesshoumaru called she had to come. Before she was even at the door she heard Sesshoumaru call her to come in. Quickly she entered the room and found him out on a small balcony.

"Come here, Saka," he called without even turning from whatever it was he was looking at.

She approached and quickly saw the object of his fascination. Rin, sitting upon the cold earth, knees to her chest, was crying in the garden.

"She was recovering. Why has she gotten worse?" Sesshoumaru asked.

"Indeed, I have been trying to figure out what it is that has been bothering her, but even she doesn’t know. I think, perhaps, she has reached a point where life here will only smother her. It helped when everything in the world terrified her, but now, she is starting to regain her independence, from me, from the servants. She may want to return to the life she had before the attack."

"Is she ready for that?" his voice showed no emotion but his eyes had the slightest hint of worry in them.

Saka watch the woman below, body shaking with quiet sobs. "I think the progress she has made may be undone if she stays. She is a strong woman, and it will be frightening at first, her nightmares may even come more frequently again, but to return to her normal life is something that she needs.

‘She knows you all wouldn’t be here if she hadn’t been attacked and I think she blames herself slightly, for making you come here. If it were up to me I would want to at least try and return her to the life she was used to. If she becomes too terrified then bring her back, but at least give her the chance."

He kept his eyes on Rin and said nothing. "Shall I go and bring Rin in for the night?"

"No, let her be. I will speak with her tomorrow. You may go." Saka bowed and left the room, but just as she reached the door Sesshoumaru called out to her, "Saka, pack some of Rin’s things and prepare food that will stay well."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama."

Saka closed the screen behind her and headed to Rin’s room. As she took out a few kimonos from her wardrobe Saka made a silent prayer. Sesshoumaru-sama take care of Rin, she is close to healing the last of her wounds, but even one moment can ruin all her hard work.

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Rin awoke with a shock the next morning as she stared up at Sesshoumaru. She had fallen asleep in the garden, soiling her white night robe. She quickly stood up but kept her eyes to the ground. A slight blush crossed her cheeks when she realized all she had to cover herself was her robe but it increased when she remembered it didn’t really matter since Sesshoumaru had seen her naked.

"Rin, go on inside and change for your lesson with Touya."

Confused Rin looked to the sky only to see the sun was barely risen above the horizon, far too early for her lesson. "Why, Sesshoumaru-sama, am I to have it so early?"

"This will be you last lesson. Once you have cleaned up and eaten we shall leave."

Rin stared at him, a smile creeping onto her face. "We are leaving the castle? To travel again?"

He nodded then turned to the castle. "Hurry up, Rin."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama." Rin wasn’t sure why but the idea of leaving the castle and traveling again sounded wonderful. She ran ahead of Sesshoumaru and up to her room. A pack lay on her bed next to her training clothes, which she readily changed into. Saka didn’t even have a chance to enter the room before Rin was down the stairs and out of the castle.

Rin was filled with energy as she approached the field where Sesshoumaru and Touya already waited. Rin smiled at them and took her place across from Touya. "Good morning, Touya-sensei."

"You are that happy this is your last lesson?" he asked laughing.

"Oh no, that’s not it." Rin looked to the ground embarrassed.

"It’s all right. Shall we begin?"

Rin nodded and they proceeded with their lesson as they always did. Rin couldn’t help but feel slightly sad not to see Touya anymore, she had grown used to his encouragement everyday. The training had been a very good outlet for Rin as Saka had said. Still, Rin couldn’t wait to leave the castle and be out in the wilderness again. She was scared, but she knew Sesshoumaru would take care of her and now she could protect herself, so her excitement outweighed her terror.

Touya gave Rin a gentle hug as they said good-bye. "Take care of yourself, Rin. You can always come back and visit us you know."

She nodded. "Thank you for all you have done, Touya-sensei."

"Go and clean up. We will leave before mid-day."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama." Rin bowed to them all and returned to the castle for her bath. As she sat in the water, her muscles relaxing under the quite movement of the ripples, Rin thought about leaving the castle.

I wonder why Sesshoumaru-sama decided to leave all of a sudden. He didn’t appear to have any desire to leave.

Of he course he wants to leave. He didn’t want to come here, I made him do that. Besides Sesshoumaru-sama is practically the only person I haven’t yelled at lately. I bet he was very upset with me though when I left Touya-sensei in the middle of my lesson. I should have been more respectful.

Is it my fault everyone keeps smothering me? Sesshoumaru-sama is the only one who gives me any space.

Well, lately Saka-sama has been leaving me alone more, but can you blame them for being worried, I kept hurting myself in the beginning. They were probably under Sesshoumaru-sama’s orders to keep close to me.

But I don’t hurt myself anymore! I haven’t hurt myself for three months! I don’t need protection all the time. The entire castle protects me, why can’t I have freedom in it?

I won’t be in the castle anymore. We are leaving the castle. I will be out there again. It isn’t safe out there. The demons out there aren’t loyal to Sesshoumaru-sama, they won’t care what happens to me. Most would find me a very tasty human. Why was I so happy to be going back there? It is dangerous out there.

But Sesshoumaru-sama will be with me. He will take care of me. Why should I be worried since he will be there?

But he cannot be there all the time. He has things he must attend to, things that I would only be in the way of. He will leave me then. I will be alone.

No, Ahun will be there. Sesshoumaru-sama always leaves Ahun with me. He probably will leave Jaken-sama too, now.

But Ahun couldn’t stop them! Ahun died trying to protect me! What if another demon comes, one stronger then Akki and Haku? Ahun and Jaken-sama won’t be able to stop them! Why did I want to go out there again? I can’t leave the castle!

But here I am smothered! I have to choose which one I would rather have. Would I rather be here in the castle protected, overprotected, or out in the wilderness, in danger? Do I really want to be afraid all the time?

But Sesshoumaru-sama won’t let anything happen to me again. Besides, I can protect myself now. Touya-sensei taught me well, I can take care of myself, and I don’t want to be a burden to Sesshoumaru-sama anymore.

What if someone comes though? What if a demon stronger than Sesshoumaru-sama comes? What if I get kidnapped again?

What if the sun falls from the sky? I can’t live like this! I can’t keep questioning every little thing I do. That’s it, I will just follow Sesshoumaru-sama like I always did. No more questioning. I will do what he says no matter what I think or what fears come to me. I am not going to live my life terrified of the world. It isn’t fair me to. It isn’t fair to Sesshoumaru-sama to have to take care of me.

Rin took a deep breath and dunked her head below the surface. The water felt wonderful, clean, refreshing. She slowly slid her face back out smoothing her hair back as she did. It was still short but was starting to look slightly feminine again, mainly because Saka showed her how pull it in the back to make it look longer. She still missed her long hair but there was little to be done about it now, she just had to wait.

She finished cleaning and got out of the bath, putting on her robe and shaking her hair dry. She smiled to herself and she combed her dark locks, short hair had a few advantages. Just as she finished drying a knock sounded from the screen door.

"Rin, are you still in there?" Saka’s voice filled her ears.

Rin walked to the door and opened it. "Just finished, and you knew full well I was still in here."

"Of course, but I thought you might like it if I asked." Rin laughed and headed for her room, Saka next to her. "Your food is ready once you’re changed and Ahun is being prepared right now."

"Thank you, Saka-sama. You have been very kind to me, I will miss you. I’m sorry I have been troublesome these last few days."

Saka laughed. "Rin, you have been troublesome since you arrived here." Rin's smile faded. "Don’t worry, I am happy to have taken care of you. You are, if nothing else, an interesting woman." They stopped outside of Rin’s room. "Take care of yourself and if you need to come back tell Sesshoumaru-sama. He will bring you if you need it."

"I don’t want to need it," Rin said firmly. "I don’t want to be afraid anymore."

Saka leaned in and hugged her. "Promise me if you need to you will come back. You have done so well but don’t push yourself."

"I won’t."

"I have a present for you." Saka reached into her kimono.

"You didn’t have to do that."

She smiled and pulled out Rin’s favorite flower. "I know, but I thought you might like this. Turn around." Rin did as she told and Saka placed the shimmering white blossom against her black hair, tucking the stem into the band holding back the slightly longer strands.

Rin turned back to Saka and embraced her. "I can’t thank you enough. Are you going to see us off?"

Saka shook her head. "I have a lot to do here now that you are leaving. Sesshoumaru-sama has left me in charge of getting the servants out and the castle maintained."

Rin released Saka from her embrace and opened the screen door. "Good-bye, Saka-sama."

"Good luck, Rin." Saka smiled and left Rin to go change.

After she was changed into a blue and gray kimono she picked up the pack on her bed and took one last look around her room. A part of her was going to miss the luxury of it, but so much more couldn’t wait for the chance to reclaim that which was her life. With a wistful smile Rin closed the door and headed for the dinning hall.

She found the table sparsely covered with food and Sesshoumaru waiting for her. She quickly took her seat and began eating. Sesshoumaru didn’t say anything, he barely acknowledged her presence, but she could tell he was watching her. She had figured out years ago that the more he ignored her the more she was sure he watched her. Her suspicions were confirmed when before she even set her chopsticks down Sesshoumaru stood up.

"Rin, let’s be off."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama." Rin grabbed her pack from the floor and hurried after Sesshoumaru who was already out of the room. At the front of the castle Ahun happily greeted her as Jaken waited impatiently. Rin ran up to Ahun, letting him nuzzle his heads against her.

"Ahun, I bet you’re happy to be out of the castle." Her only response was an affectionate growl.

"Let’s go," Sesshoumaru said walking away.

Jaken hurried behind him repeating to Rin, "Let’s go."

Rin couldn’t help but giggle a little. It felt like such a long time since things felt normal. The headed south of the castle, but avoided returning to the village, turning slightly to the east instead. Rin was reveling in being out in the forests again, though a part of her was still scared. She could tell the others could smell her fear because Sesshoumaru and Jaken didn’t move to far away and Ahun never left her side.

They never restricted her movement though, they had no need to. She found herself much more limited now. Where before she would have simply gone off to look at something or find food on her own, she now pulled closer to Ahun, holding his black mane and slowly directing him over with her, and never more than a few steps from Sesshoumaru and Jaken.

By nightfall they had traveled very far, she didn’t know to where they were headed, but then she never really did. That night she was very tired, exhausted from traveling and from her fears. She couldn’t seem to relax her muscles no matter what she did. She even tried doing some of Touya’s stretches but still her body pulled at itself.

"We shall stop her for the night," Sesshoumaru said as they entered a small meadow. "Jaken, go get wood for a fire."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama." The small toad scurried off to do his master’s bidding.

When Jaken was out of sight Sesshoumaru seated himself and turned to Rin. "Are you all right? You have been very tense."

Rin nodded, sitting down as Ahun positioned himself around her small body. "I am well, Sesshoumaru-sama. Just adjusting again, I suppose." A cool breeze passed over them causing Rin to pull her kimono tighter.

"Jaken will return soon, rest yourself."

"Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama."

Rin closed her eyes, settling herself next to Ahun’s side and feeling his tail curl over her legs. It was a little heavy over her but the protective feeling was too nice for her to move it. It was cold though, the wind was picking up. She felt her body tense up more and Ahun push her slighter closer to him with his tail. She wished Jaken would get back and start the fire already.

Jaken, start the fire. It’s cold. When did it get this cold? Why won’t it warm up? Isn’t he back yet? Rin tired to pull her arms together to rub them but they wouldn’t move from behind her. Move…why won’t they move?

She pulled harder but to no avail. She moved and turned, yanking, but they wouldn’t move. The wind blew over her again, freezing her wet body. Wet? She looked down at herself, her naked body drenched in her own blood. Rin shook her head and felt her hands shaking, though she couldn’t get them to move at her command.

A cold snake-like creature slide over her legs terrifying her to the point her body threw itself up. Rin eyes opened immediately and she tried to take hold of her surroundings. It was Ahun’s tail that slid over her legs, waking her. His heads were straining to see her, while his body held still to support her. A fire was flickering and nearby Jaken was sleeping. That comforted Rin, since if she had screamed he would be awake. Sesshoumaru was standing on the other side of the fire, he looked as if he were about to approach her but returned to his seat.

"Rin, are you well, now?"

She took a moment to control her breathing. "Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama. It was not severe."

He looked at her for a moment. "Try and rest." Rin nodded and closed her eyes, pulling closer to Ahun, but she did not sleep.

The rest of the week was no better for Rin and her body was beginning to suffer for it. Sesshoumaru often questioned her on it but she merely replied, "It’s all right. I am simply adjusting still. I’ll be better tomorrow." She would not let her weakness affect Sesshoumaru again, but each day was just as bad as the previous.

The morning after a rather harsh nightmare Rin fell asleep against Ahun’s back as they traveled. Her body relaxed against Ahun as his heads made sure she didn’t fall off, and for the first time since they left the castle Rin was able to rest without a nightmare. She began sleeping more during the day and Sesshoumaru didn’t stop her, though she felt slightly bad for slowing him down.

After a few months many of Rin’s fears were gone and her nightmares came only once or twice every few weeks. She was able to sleep comfortably at night and even Ahun was willing to give her a little more room, though, he never strayed far from her side. Things seemed to be returning to the way they were before the kidnapping and Rin was finally feeling happy again.

One moonless night they stopped to make camp near a secluded lake. Not wanting to waste the opportunity Rin asked to go bathe.

Sesshoumaru looked at the area around them. "Stay near the shore and call if you need anything."

"Thank you, Sesshoumaru-sama." Rin went to her bag and grabbed some soap that Saka had packed for her. There wasn’t much of it left, but it was better than nothing. She took a towel and hurried down to the lake for a quick bath. She still had difficulty going off on her own, but she didn’t feel like having Jaken or Sesshoumaru watching her.

Once on the shore Rin undressed and placed her carefully folded kimono on a stone she had cleaned off. The water moved and pushed against itself as her body broke its surface. Rin let herself revel in the coolness seeping into her skin before taking the soap and washing herself. She had been quite good at listening to her environment when she was alone, but for some reason, as she lapped the water against her body, Rin didn’t notice the figure approaching her till a hand grabbed her shoulder.

The hand forced her around to face a man with dark brown eyes and disheveled black hair. He was human, that much Rin could tell. She opened her mouth the scream but his free hand clamped over it nearly cutting off her breath. A small breeze pulled her wet hair over her neck, it pulled away from the camp. The wind would not tell Sesshoumaru of her unwanted guest. The man’s eyes were fixed on Rin’s chest, which heaved with her struggle for air.

"What a lovely women." The man’s voice was deep and husky and his words slightly slurred. "A pretty woman like you shouldn’t be out here alone. You need a strong man to protect you."

Rin began shaking which only made the man pull closer to her. Why? Why can’t I move? Wasn’t this what I was trained to stop? Why can’t I move now? Why can’t I do something, anything to get Sesshoumaru-sama’s attention? Why am I just standing here? Move! Damn it, move!

Rin’s mental cries were not heeded by her body and she stood still as the man ran his fingers down her arm and then took her by the waist.

Fight him! He is just a human! Hit him! Kick him! He isn’t even restraining me! Do something! Bite his hand and scream! Scream under his hand! Sesshoumaru-sama will hear me! Scream!

Still, her limbs submitted to his touch and she moved backwards, further into the lake. "It is dangerous for a lady to be out here. Someone could try and take advantage of her," as he said this he pulled her against him, hand still at her mouth.

Push away! Don’t let him do this! Stop it! Fight him!

He brought his hand from her waist, grazing her stomach and reaching for her breast. "I can protect you from them."

As his fingers brushed her cold, sensitive skin Rin no longer saw him. His fingers were not touching her. Fingers were not sliding over her skin. Claws were tearing through her flesh. Akki’s claws were ripping apart her skin and releasing her warm red blood from her body. Rin could hold nothing back, the pain consumed her very being and she screamed with all the strength her voice could bring.

"Rin!" Blood covered her body but as she opened her eyes she saw it was not her own. Sesshoumaru’s hand clenched the man’s broken neck, blood flowed over his fingers and stained his white haori. His eyes were filled anger and hate as he looked at her. "Jaken, stay with Rin." With that he leapt out of the water taking the lifeless body with him.

Trembling, Rin collapsed into the water beneath her and cried. Jaken waded slightly into the lake, to try and get to Rin. "What happened Rin? How did that man get so close to you? Why didn’t you call earlier? Surely he wasn’t that fast, he was only human. Why didn’t you try and fight him off?"

"Shut up." Rin was already asking herself those questions and didn’t want to have them repeated to her.

"Rin! What has gotten into you? What happened…"

Jaken was cut off as Rin rushed him taking his face in her hand. "I said shut up!" She pulled him back and used all her strength to throw him. Jaken was thrust against the base of a tree and fell unconscious. Rin stared at him and then her hand.

What have I done? How can I hurt those I care about but freeze when I am in danger? How can I be so weak? What was the point of my training? Of all the strength I gained if I can only use it to hurt my friends? Am I that weak? Have I wasted all of Sesshoumaru-sama’s kindness? All his attempt to keep me safe?

Sesshoumaru-sama…his eyes…his eyes had hatred…had anger. He can’t stand my weakness. He hates it. He hates me. I am a disgrace to him. Even after all he has done I couldn’t stop a man from touching me. I wasn’t even bound! I just stood there! I have disgraced him again.

I cannot let the disgrace continue. I must end the shame, the contempt. I must free Sesshoumaru-sama from such a pathetic, whimpering, human whore. I have no right to be in his company.

If I leave though, he will come after me. He will worry if he doesn’t know what has happened. I have to end the disgrace so he knows what I have done.

Rin moved deeper into the lake till it reached just below her breasts. She searched the bottom with her foot until she found what she desired. Slowly, Rin lowered herself beneath the water’s surface and ran her hands over a root slightly raised from the lake floor creating a small opening between it and the soft earth. Rin slipped one hand through the opening, then the other. She felt the pressure building in her chest so Rin let the air out of her lungs.

She made both hands into fists and pulled against the root, neither could release themselves from their makeshift binding. The pressure was forming once again, only deep in her throat, begging for the life giving substance above the lake. Her body ached for her to open her mouth again and bring in the clean air.

She opened her eyes beneath the water but could not see anything beyond the dusty water. Rin smiled a tired, sorrowful smile and opened her mouth, taking the blissful pain to her lungs.

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::runs to corner and hides:: No one wants to kill me, right? Don’t make me bring Ahun out here to protect me. Though I rather deserve it, I mean, talk about a cliffhanger. Do you realize how long it took for me to get here? I have wanted to end there forever and it never seemed to come.