InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Wish I was a Warrior ❯ One-Shot

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Wish I was a Warrior

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.

-sSs-

Look at her go!  Kagome thought with awe, as she watched her best girl friend Sango take on another demon, literally kicking its ass – all while she stood on the edge of the battle, holding an arrow to her bow.

An arrow, she thought sourly.  It's the only thing I can use – I'm not much use in this situation, am I?

She continued to watch as the battle finally came to an end, some of the bodies on the field even a credit to her arrows – but it didn't matter.  For some reason, all she could feel was dejected that she was such a weakling – a baby that had to be protected.

All the rest of that day, and into the next, she brooded, deep in thought, as she remembered back on all their battles, and her admiration for Sango just grew – while her own self-esteem dropped in direct correlation.  She's such a strong woman, and a warrior.  I wish... I could be more like her... then maybe I'd actually be some use.

A broody Kagome was not exactly a normal phenomena, and the rest of the group was highly aware that something was very wrong – but no one knew what, and Kagome wasn't telling.  Finally, on the evening of the second day, they stopped for the night near a hot spring, and Sango grabbed Kagome, and her bag, then looking at the two men, narrowed her eyes warningly.

“Kagome and I are going to bathe – and if either of you even thinks of peeping, you'll be meeting hiraikotsu!  Got it?”  she asked menacingly, and the two men in camp nodded frantically.

“Hai, hai,”  Miroku said, almost stumbling over himself to answer.

“Feh, whatever – like I'd do that anyway,”  came Inuyasha's mumbled answer.  He flinched when Sango's fiery gaze fell on him.

“Don't you lie to me, Inuyasha – I know you've peeped a few times yourself.”  She ignored Kagome's shocked look.  “You like staring at Kagome just as much as Miroku likes staring at women!”

He flinched, reddening, and turned away.  “Just go!  No one will leave this camp.”  He picked up the kitsune that was about to open his big mouth, and tossed him at the miko.  “But take the runt with ya – he needs a damn bath,”  he grumbled sourly, embarrassed.

Sango huffed at him, and then dragged Kagome off, satisfied that their bath would remain Miroku and Inuyasha free.

She tugged the miko along until they came to the spring, then dropped her bag in front of her and pointed to the spring.  “Get in.”  

Kagome blinked in confusion at her friend, but did as she was told, and was soon seated in the hot water, sighing her contentment at being where she was.

She looked over at the small splash, and watched as Sango leaned back against the rocks.  

“So, Kagome, out with it.  What's going on with you?”

Shippo nodded up at her, his big green eyes watching her earnestly. “Yeah, Kagome!  We all know something's wrong.”

The little miko dropped her gaze and sighed gustily.  “It's just... I was watching you fight yesterday, Sango, and... I guess I feel kinda useless.  I mean, compared to you, I'm just someone that's too weak to fight for herself, and you... you're a warrior.”

Sango blinked, totally taken aback at that answer.  She never would have guessed that to come out of Kagome's mouth in a million years.

“Uh... Kagome... you know that's not true, right?” she asked blankly, still too surprised to put much emotion into her voice.

The little miko looked dejected, then.  “Yes, it is,”  she said, voice low.  “I really wish I could be like you – and then maybe I wouldn't be such a burden on you guys, and especially Inuyasha.”

Sango growled.  “That baka hasn't said anything to you lately to make you feel like this, has he?”  she demanded, and Kagome whipped her head up, appalled.  

“No!  That's not it at all – it's me, Sango – this is how I feel.”

The taijiya stared at her younger friend for several moments, then started laughing almost helplessly, waving her hands at Kagome when she stared at her, dumbfounded.  It took a few, but once she got herself under control, she said,  “I'm not laughing at you, Kagome, I'm laughing at both of us.”

When Kagome only looked more confused, she shook her head, and sighed.  “You've been wishing you were more like me, and I've been wishing I was more like you.  How silly is that?”

Shippo stared, fascinated, as Kagome almost fell over backwards into the water.  Blinking at her taijiya friend, she asked, astounded,  “Why would you want to be like me?”  It was clear from her tone that she was truly taken aback.

“I'm a warrior of the body, sure, Kagome, but you're a warrior of the spirit – in more ways than one.  Not only are you a very powerful miko that Naraku and the jewel both rightly fear, but I've never known anyone with the strength of will, unadulterated courage, and sheer determination that you have in abundance.  There's been so many times that not only I, but Miroku, and Inuyasha, have been so close to giving up and giving in – but you've always managed to pull us back, and encourage us to keep going.”  

Sango sighed, then, and smiled over at her.  “I've never known anyone with your capacity to love.  Not anyone.  You're also the only one that can get Inuyasha to calm down when he goes full-demon – and you can run faster than that damn lecherous monk running from outraged husbands, I swear!  You're the most incredible person, Kagome, so don't ever put yourself down like that again, please.”

A splash caught Kagome's attention then, and she looked over, catching sight of a dripping Shippo with a small chuckle.  “What happened, Shippo?  Take a tumble into the water?”

“Yeah,”  he said sheepishly.  “I was agreeing with Sango too hard, I think.”

The girls laughed as Shippo pouted, and after a few moments, the hot spring became quiet as the three got lost in their thoughts.

I hope I got through to her, Sango thought, shaking her head once again at her friend's blind spot when it came to anything to do with herself.  I'm probably going to have to talk to Inuyasha about this, though it's probably mostly his fault for always picking on her like he used to do, but... he'll get pissy if he can't figure out what's wrong with her.

-sSs-

The moment Kagome left through the well, Inuyasha dragged Sango off, and once they were out of earshot, demanded some answers.

“Out with it, Sango.  What's goin' on with Kagome?”

Sango sat down and patted the ground next to her, then sighed as the hanyou plopped down and looked at her expectantly.

“Kagome is feeling like a burden to all of us, because she can't fight with anything more than her arrows.  She... feels like she's less than me because I'm a warrior.”

Inuyasha gaped at her in astonishment.

“B-but... that's silly!  I mean, she's the one that's come the closest to destroying Naraku out of all of us - even my asshole brother!  With one friggin' arrow!  And there's been plenty of times that I don't know if we'd have pulled through a battle without her help-”  his ears flattened to his head and his head dropped down,  “-but I've never said any of that to her, not really.”  He sighed in dejected realization.  “I need to talk to her, don't I?”

“Yup.  Kagome looks up to you more than any of us – and it's your words that can make or break her, Inuyasha.  I already talked to her and tried to make her realize her place amongst us, and while it helped, a bit, she feels more of a burden on you than anyone else.”

Inuyasha's whole frame drooped at that; he couldn't stand the thought that she really thought he saw her as a burden – at least anymore.   At one time, back in the beginning, he'd said those mean things to her, about her being a burden he had to protect, but he didn't anymore - he protected her, sure – but he liked doing it.  Straight out, he liked protecting Kagome.  He was born to do it.  And she had protected and saved him many times, as well.  He couldn't think of anyone more stubborn and strong-willed than Kagome, not even he, himself.

“I guess I should go corner her in her time.  I don't want her thinking something like that – she shouldn't doubt herself.  That's how Naraku causes problems – by making us doubt ourselves.”

Sango smiled at that, agreeing.  If anyone could get through to Kagome, it would be him.  “Well, then, good luck.  Sometimes getting through to Kagome's stubborn mind is rather difficult,”  she quipped.

Inuyasha simply nodded, too upset with himself to really listen to anything else Sango was saying.  He knew that what was going on right now with Kagome was, at its roots, his fault.

For so long he'd knocked her, torn her self-esteem down, and mocked everything she tried to do.  He did it because he feared her, more than any other person he'd ever known... all the formidable defenses he had in place couldn't stand for a second against her – so he'd found other ways to try to push her away.

It hadn't worked – yet.  

The problem was that the side-effects of what he'd been doing might do what the initial blasts hadn't, by chasing her away because she thought she was a burden, and might possibly endanger those she cared for.

He could never allow that.

She had to stay with him – he was no one without Kagome, and he had no home without her, either.

Absently waving to the amused slayer, he wandered off in the direction of the well, lost in thought so much that he didn't even realize that his friends had decided to shadow him to make sure he made it.

Without so much as a glance around, the hanyou jumped into the well the moment he reached it and disappeared, and the four members of the group still left grinned at each other... until one loud slap echoed through the forest, followed by a pained yip, and a jeering kitsune's voice broke the normal quiet.

Slowly, as the hanyou's companions headed back to the village, the well clearing once again became still and silent.

-sSs-

Almost forlornly, Inuyasha stared through Kagome's window, watching her at her desk, as he had so many times before.  He felt so badly that she felt like she was a burden on him – nothing could be further from the truth.  Without her to protect, he had nothing left.  She was his purpose in life, in a way Kikyou never had been, or would have been, no matter how long they would have been together had Naraku not interfered in their lives and separated them.

His eyes traced her beloved profile longingly; it was obvious that she wasn't really concentrating on her books – her mind was somewhere far away... somewhere that was making her sad.  He had a pretty good guess where that was, too – the same place it had been the last few days since their last battle.  

It was time to put a stop to this...

He tapped on the screen gently, letting her know he was there instead of just jumping into her room and startling her, and as her surprised eyes met his, he let her see his dejection in his eyes and the set of his ears.  He wanted her to know that he felt badly, so that she would understand the truth – that she wasn't his burden, she was his salvation.

“Kagome... could I... talk to you?”  he asked quietly, his whole manner subdued.

Eyes wide, she nodded, totally taken aback at his attitude – she'd rarely seen him like this, except when it came to Kikyou.

“Is... everything okay, Inuyasha?”  she asked, worry openly expressed in her face.

He hopped in to the room and sat down on her bed, setting Tessaiga against her wall, and shook his head, looking at her floor, unable to meet her gaze anymore.  “No... it isn't.  I-”  he broke off as Kagome stood and almost threw herself onto the bed next to him, a growing fear in her eyes.  

“What is it, Inuyasha?  Has something bad happened?”  

He put a hand up and raised his eyes to her for a moment.  “Calm down, Kagome – nothing's happened back there.  What's wrong is what you talked to Sango about.”  His expression became even more depressed, and if his ears had gone any flatter, they'd have disappeared into his hair.  “Do you... really think that you're a burden, K'gome?”  he asked softly, eyes pained.

Hand almost automatically going to his ears, she stopped as he flinched a bit at the look on her face, his crestfallen expression making her own heart hurt, and pulled her hand back almost guiltily.  It was her turn to look away.  

“I...”  she sighed deeply,  “... yeah.  I do feel like a burden on all of you.  Here you all are, fighting with Tessaiga and claws and hiraikotsu, and sword and Kirara and sutra, shakujo and Wind Tunnel... and I have some arrows.  Yippee.  Sometimes I feel like even Shippo contributes more to battles than I do,”  she finished, upset again as she thought about it.

“But Kagome-”  Inuyasha burst out almost before she was finished,  “-that's not true at all!  Even with all those things you listed, whose single arrow was it that nearly killed Naraku?  Yours!  None of the rest of us have managed to do that much damage to the bastard!”

“Oh, yeah... once,”  she scoffed.  “Once, I did some good.  Out of how many battles?”  

He reached over and grabbed her by her arms, shaking her just a bit.  “How can you say that?!  Do you know how many times we would have lost a battle without you?  What about Horai Island, and Ryuura?  It took both of us!”  He shook his head, growing angry at himself.  “This is about all those things I used to say to you before, isn't it?  That's why you doubt yourself so much now.”  He released her arms as she stared at him uncertainly.

“You were right, Inuyasha.  My world is so different, that learning to fight wasn't something that I needed.  And because of that, I really don't fit into your world.  I need to be protected – and that holds you back,”  she said softly.  “How much better could you fight if you weren't trying to fight and keep track of me at the same time?”

His eyes widened at that, and he denied her words vehemently.  “No!  Didn't you listen when the others would tell you that when you aren't around, I can't fight worth crap?  They weren't kidding!  It's having you to protect that makes it all worthwhile.  But you protect me, too, Kagome.  It doesn't just work one way!  You have an almost heart-breaking grace when you fight, did you know that?”  he asked, a small smile lighting his features, then.

“Grace?!”  she almost choked.  “I'm the clumsiest thing on two legs – I'm always falling!”

“I don't mean physically, silly,”  he chuckled.  “It's a grace of the spirit.  No one I've ever known has had that.  Not even Kikyou... I know I always compared you to her, putting you down, but the truth is... Kikyou was nothing like you.  You... have such a light about you, Kagome.  You may have the same soul as Kikyou had, but Kikyou didn't have the same soul you have, if you take my meaning.”

Kagome stared at him, stunned.  This was the first and only time that he had compared the two of them, unfavorably to Kikyou.  She didn't even know what to say.

He put a finger to her mouth.  “Please... stop thinking you're a burden to me, or anyone else.  The truth is, without you, we would all have fallen months ago.  The biggest thing you give us all is a reason to go on – the belief that we can win, even when everything is at it's darkest.  You'll never know how much that's worth, Kagome.  You save us when we're all drowning in our doubts.  I can honestly say, that if you weren't with me, I would have given up a long time ago, and let Kikyou take me to hell, knowingly.  You give me the heart to go on-”  he looked at her meaningfully,  “-you are my heart, Kagome,”  he finished earnestly.

She reached up to wipe the tears running down her cheeks, falling for him all over again.  “I-Inuyasha,”  she managed to get out around a sob,  “you're not usually so... open, and eloquent, though I know you can be.  Why... now?”

He folded his hands into his haori sleeves and looked away, blushing.  “Keh.  My mother was a hime – I do have manners and I know the words.  I just don't often use them.  But this whole thing is my fault for the horrible things I've said to you over the months we've been together.  I have to do everything I can to make you understand what you really are to me... and it isn't, and never really was, a burden.  Always remember that – no matter what happens from here on out.”

A small smile lit her face as she wiped away the last of the tears from her eyes, and nodded.  “Okay... I'll try.”

“No, Kagome, there's no try.  Just do it.  You took my bad words to heart – now erase them and take these words to heart in their place.”  

He looked back up at her, then, and sighed, his fingers pulling at the silver hairs on his arms with nervousness.  He knew the right words to say... he just wasn't really comfortable opening up and saying them – but this time... they needed to be said.  There was no way to know what would happen, and he didn't want what could be his last words to Kagome to be remembered as being hurtful.  He wanted her to know what she was to him.

“When you found me... I was just so broken.  I came to you in pieces... and you've made me whole.  You put back together a heart that I never thought could be fixed.  If you hadn't been with me when Kikyou died again... I don't know what would have happened to me.  I think I would have just disintegrated and disappeared.  I felt so guilty...”  he trailed off for a moment, then spoke again, his eyes distant for a moment.  “But you gave me the strength I needed to grieve, and then put it behind me... where it belongs.  You're the only reason I'm still fighting, and still alive.  Never forget that, Kagome – that's what I meant by grace of the spirit.  It's your fighting spirit that saved mine.”

He barely had time to pull his hands from his sleeves before she threw herself into his arms, tears once again setting her cheeks sparkling in the light from her window.  

“I couldn't bear it if you weren't here with me, Inuyasha,”  she whispered, voice too choked to actually speak out loud.  “I'll always give you everything you need to keep going, no matter what, I promise.  And I'll keep what you've said today in my heart, and throw out the other things, like you said.  Thank you.”

He just nodded, pulling her closer and holding her like she was the most precious thing in his world.

Because she was – and now she knew it.

-sSs-

A/N:  I started this one-shot several months ago, and then got lost and couldn't decide how to finish it.  Then I watched an AMV called Pieces by Sweettiffy, and wanted to cry.  It is AWESOME.  I would recommend it to anyone who loves Inu/Kag.  The song is perfect, and it got me back into this one-shot, getting me to finish it in just an hour.  Gotta love AMV'S.  For anyone who wants to watch it, the URL is:

http: //www. youtube. com/ user/ ste1082#p/u/0/MrHEf7lZh_ 4

Just take out the spaces.  It's a long one, almost six minutes, but absolutely gorgeous.  It's also brand new, just posted today, Dec. 8.  If you do go watch it, be sure to leave a post to the artist, letting her know what you thought.

Amber

Converting /tmp/phpfSYxuG to /dev/stdout