InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ You Have Always Been Kagome ❯ One-Shot

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer:  I do not own the characters of Inuyasha.

~oOo~

Lifting a hand to catch a drifting snowflake, Kagome sighed, a small smile lighting her features as she caught the flash of moonlight hitting the ice crystals being blown from the branches of the Goshinboku.

It was a beautiful winter's eve six and a half months after her return to the Sengoku Jidai, and very close to the Christmas holidays back in her birth era.  She'd come out here to the tree to remember her family – to feel a little closer to them, since the tree was the one thing that connected their now disparate times... besides the well, of course.

So much has happened, mama, since I came back – and yet so little has happened, too.  Nothing has gone the way I thought it would.  Heck, I came through time to stay by Inuyasha's side – and yet... I'm not really at his side the way I thought I would be.  And that's his choice.  He doesn't want me to stay by his side just because I promised...and won't accept me until I can get past Kikyou's memory.  

How ironic that demand is coming from him, and not me.

She stepped up onto the roots surrounding the Goshinboku, her fingers automatically going to the bare spot on the tree – a tangible symbol of the hanyou of her heart that still existed even in her era.  It was hard to believe that she'd grown up around that tree, and yet, had never known about Inuyasha, and what that scar represented – until one fateful day when she'd fallen down an enchanted well and into the distant past.

His past... and mine.  Much as I hate that fact sometimes, that I'm her reincarnation, it's still true.  This soul that we've both carried returned to this place to right the wrongs it had committed in another life.  And I suppose I accomplished that...

With a final pat to the aged bark of the Goshinboku, she turned and clambered back down, hopping lightly back to the snow-covered earth with a small smile.

Yes, because I returned, Inuyasha was given another chance to live, and Kikyou got vengeance for her murder.  Her smile faltered, and then faded.  But... I still don't know for sure if Inuyasha really sees me.  Sometimes, I know he does.  Sometimes I just know that he sees only Kagome.  But other times... I'm not so sure, because... I feel like nothing more than a reflection of Kikyou.

Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder what parts of her were her, Kagome, and what parts were Kikyou.

I hate that... because it means that I don't know myself anymore... who would have ever thought that I'd be having an identity crisis?  Heck, when I was younger, before I came to this place, I knew who I was.  She sighed sadly, her thoughts stilling for a moment... and then...  I can definitely understand the wisdom of the kami in wiping our memories of our past lives from our minds... to know your past incarnation only  leaves you wondering who you really are.  I only wish I hadn't been forced into this situation with Kikyou... but... I can't really regret it, because then I would never have known my friends here – or Inuyasha.

It's so strange, though... even though I wonder what parts are me, and what parts are Kikyou, I know without a doubt that these feelings I have for him are mine alone – they aren't Kikyou's feelings simply reborn in me.  After all, Kikyou loved Inuyasha, but not enough to take him the way he was, because she believed it would make her life difficult to marry a hanyou.  But I... I don't care if the entire world were to be against my desire to be with him – I would happily go live in the wilderness just to always stay by his side.

I would even do it if I knew it would eventually lead to my death, she acknowledged with a sigh.  Does he know that, though?  That just being with him is enough to make everything in my life right?  A chuckle made its way out of her throat.  I guess that means my heart is strictly mine, since Kikyou's feelings are completely separate from mine, even though, in some ways they're similar – because she wanted to be near him, just like I do.

A little gust of wind blew past her, whipping her thick locks around her for a moment and causing her to shiver – though not with only the cold... it was just such a perfect night.  Beautiful in a way her own era could never be.

And that's another reason that I can't regret my life, as difficult as it's been... who else in my era will ever be privileged to see our world as it once was – before we started to destroy it?   Only me.  I suppose, she thought, a small smile crossing her lips, that I really have to thank the kami for the blessings in my life, rather than bemoan the difficulties, because without those same difficulties, I wouldn't have learned to appreciate the blessings as much as I have.

Still, I wish the kami could help me figure out who I am, and maybe put this whole thing with Kikyou into its proper perspective in my mind, like Inuyasha wants me to do.  He's waited so patiently, yet always believing that I'll figure it out one day.  He's even built a hut for us... for when I finally set myself free from the specters of my past.  Our past.

And gotten over my lack of self-esteem, she thought idly as she pushed her hair back over her shoulder.  

I've always known, somewhere inside, that all those mean things he said to me back then weren't really how he felt, but after hearing those things for so long, it couldn't help but have an impact on me.  It's funny... how the mind picks up on the negative things and clings to them so easily, and yet, it doesn't with the positive.  It was so easy for me to fall into believing his harsh words, but it's so difficult to believe the good things he says to me now.  I know in my mind that I'm just as worthy as anyone else, but my heart finds it hard to agree with my mind in this matter.

Will I ever regain my belief in myself?  It was all so easy back when I was younger...

She was startled out of her melancholy thoughts by an abrupt voice and a warm haori being draped over her shoulders; she'd been so involved in her reminiscing she hadn't realized she was cold.

“Dammit, Kagome... you should know better than to be wandering at night by yourself without even your weapons and warmer clothes, especially in this weather,”  he said gruffly, his golden eyes glowing in the dim light of a billion billion stars.

“Oh, but the weather's perfect, Inuyasha!  Look at it,”  she said slowly, her voice hushed.  “It's so beautiful and peaceful out tonight, even if it is cold.  And you're one to talk, anyway,”  she said, her voice warm with affection.  “Running around in bare feet and giving me your fire rat fur.”

“Keh,”  he huffed, a small, reluctant smile crossing his face.  “Not like I really feel the cold much, Kagome, you should know that by now.  Not like you weak humans.”

A somber look settled into her eyes at that phrase, and Inuyasha wanted to kick himself for slipping back into bad habits.  But before he could apologize, Kagome spoke up.  “Inuyasha... why did you say that?”  she whispered, a bit of hurt in her voice as she watched him.  

I bet he never said that to... “Would you have said something like that to Kikyou?”  I have to know...

Inuyasha blinked, confused.  What's Kikyou got to do with anything?  he wondered, frustrated at the mention of the name that had caused so many problems between them.  “Why'd you mention her?  She doesn't have anything to do with this.”

She didn't say anything for a moment, her eyes turning from him and locking on the river of heaven as it lit the night sky above her.  Brushing a strand of hair behind her ear as the slight breeze played with  it again, she sighed after a moment, flicking a quick glance back his way.

“You can't say that to me and have me agree, Inuyasha.  Kikyou's been a part of everything we've been through, ne?  It's because I was her reincarnation that I was even brought here.  Sometimes I feel that I was born just to give her a way back to life – and to pull you from the tree, of course.”

“Keh.  In some ways, you're right.  The kami sent you here for a lot of different reasons, Kagome.  To free me, to give Kikyou vengeance, to destroy Naraku so your time would come to be.  But mostly,”  he said softly, his eyes pinned to her,  “they sent you here because you were meant for me, just like I was meant for you.  I've always believed that... it's what got me through those long three years you were gone.”

A soft blush suffused her cheeks as she took in his words, but that tiny voice of doubt was still whispering into her mind...

“What if Kikyou were still around, though?  If Naraku hadn't killed her again... would you still be saying the same things, I can't help but wonder?  Or would you still be chasing after her?”

He made an inarticulate sound of surprise at her words, but she ignored it, still following her train of thought to its conclusion – and her next question.

After all, if she hadn't died again at Naraku's hand, she and Inuyasha could have... “Have you ever wondered,”  she asked distantly, her voice almost dreamy,  “about soul-mates?  Was Kikyou your soul mate, and that's why you want me now that she's gone... because it's the same soul?”  I wonder what he'll say to that?  Even after all this time, I just can't get rid of that last, tiny lingering doubt, even though I've tried, she exhaled deeply at that thought, resigned to always having the shade of Kikyou between herself and Inuyasha.  

She was completely taken aback at his answer when finally it came.  

He stared at her for a moment, then snorted, and rolled his eyes at her.  “Soul-mates?  Come on, Kagome, that's a load of crap.  I don't believe in soul-mates.  Are you telling me that if you had met my reincarnation somewhere, that you'd suddenly feel the same for them as for me?  That's just stupid.  I have feelings for Kagome, not some interchangeable piece of soul.  It's who you are right this minute that makes me happy.  Who held that piece of soul in a past life doesn't mean anything to me – hell, if that were the case, then you'd be right - I'd want to be with whoever had that soul, anytime that it was reborn.  And I don't.  I want to be with you.  You have always been Kagome in my eyes,”  he emphasized, holding her gaze firmly.

Eyes wide and somehow defenseless, Kagome simply stared at him, stunned speechless.  If he never said anything to me again, this one thing would be all I needed to hear, she thought distantly through the roaring in her ears and the tears in her eyes.  

“Inuyasha,”  she whispered, unable to even think of anything to say.

He chuckled at her; folding his hands into his sleeves, he looked up at the sky.  “Kikyou... was Kikyou, and I'll never forget her.  But she's nothing more than a memory, now, and has nothing to do with you.  To me, it wouldn't matter if you weren't her reincarnation.  It's not like she was the first incarnation of that soul, anyway, right?”  His eyes moved back to her, then.  “I just don't see what the big deal is,”  he said casually, shrugging.  “I want Kagome to stay by my side, to be with me, not a ghost from the past.”

He knows me... he knows who I am.  He sees Kagome, and knows who Kagome is.  Maybe I don't have to fear the past so much anymore, she thought.  I can let go of Kikyou's ghost, because Inuyasha already did... a long time ago – I've been the one holding on to her.

That realization lifted a weight off her shoulders; unexpectedly, she felt lighter than she had in years, and with a happy laugh, she threw herself at a startled hanyou and hugged him with all her might.

“Thank you, Inuyasha,”  she breathed, snuggling into his warmth.  

He blinked down at her dark head, caught off-guard at her reaction.  “For what?  Telling the truth?”

He found himself suddenly caught in shining blue eyes.  “For seeing me,”  she smiled joyously.  “For remembering who Kagome is – because I'd forgotten.”

Circling his arms around her, he held her to him and bent his head to nuzzle into her neck, inhaling her scent happily.  “Feh... knowing Kagome is easy.  Kagome is annoying, loud, clumsy sometimes, stubborn as hell-”  he chuckled at the elbow to his stomach,  “-and brave, beautiful, loyal, caring, smart, and completely wonderful.  She's my home, too.  Because no matter where I am, as long as she's there, I have a place to belong.  I knew I belonged with you back when we first met Jinengi, remember that time?  Hell, truth be told, somewhere inside, I knew I belonged with you way before that – I just hadn't really accepted it until then.”

Eyes widening again,  she pressed closer to him.  “Really?”  she asked breathlessly.  “That long ago?”

“Yeah... but I was scared.  Scared of what you made me feel, scared of what Naraku would do if he knew how I felt.  Hell, the damn bastard figured it out, anyway, and that's why he tried to make me attack and kill you in the final battle.”  He grimaced, pained at the memory as his hand went to the injury he'd inflicted without even thinking about it.  He stroked that shallow mark on her arm, his expression remorseful and guilty.   “He taunted me with it, you know... after I'd pushed you away and wandered off.  I couldn't remember anything, just like usual when I transform.”

He tightened his hold on her as she shifted, straightening back up to look down at her, unwilling to let her go as he spoke of that time spent inside the body of the spider.  “I was remembering... Kikyou,”  he said, hoping she wouldn't pull away from him as he mentioned the phantom that had stood between them for so long.  “How I'd promised to protect her from Naraku, and then failed her... again.  But then... as I began to wake from my transformation, I remembered you, and I panicked – I woke all the way back up, and then...”  his eyes closed with the pain of the memory, and he whispered,  “I smelled your blood on my hands.  I almost folded in on myself with fear and horror – and then Naraku started taunting me, telling me that I'd killed my 'itoshii onna'.  My beloved woman.  I... went a little berserk, then, attacking his body, but then he used the jewel again, and called my youkai back out.  He told me to forget... like he did to Kohaku, you know?  But I didn't... I couldn't forget you, and even the jewel couldn't make me do it for more than a few minutes at a time.   My mind would always come back to you.”

“Inuyasha,”  she said again, wonder in her gaze and starlight painting her face.  

Beautiful, he thought.  She always has been...

“You've never opened up this much before,”  she added after a second.  

He shrugged a bit, running his hands down her back comfortingly, though whether he was comforting her, or himself, he wasn't certain.  “And that's why we're still not together,”  he said bluntly.  “Heck, its taken all this time for me to work up the courage to let anyone in like this.  And even now, it's only really you.  No one else sees this part of me.  But... I finally realized that if I wanted to have you in my life... have you as a wife, I'd have to figure out how to let you in, or it would never happen.  I spent so long pushing you away because of my fears, that it's taking even longer to straighten out the mess I caused.”

“I hope you don't think I'm trying to punish you for the past by making you wait,”  she replied, a frown furrowing her brow at his words.  “Because I wouldn't do that.”

Running a finger down her cheek, he shook his head.  “I know that, wench,”  he said.  “You're really not the vengeful type.  But... I did a lot of damage to you back then, and I know it.  I was a prick, to put it bluntly, and I still have no idea how you came to care for me so much.  But even though I don't deserve you at all, I'm still a selfish bastard, and I'm not willing to give you up.  So... when you decide you're ready, I'll still be waiting.”

Closing her eyes and leaning into his embrace, her thoughts whirled dizzingly around – Kikyou, Naraku, all the pain and fear and hope of the past... and then, with nary a warning, everything just stopped, and she could feel it all coalesce inside her in silence.  In that moment, with nothing else in the way, no fears of inadequacy, no worries about the past, all that was truly Kagome shone out from within her soul, and she knew...

“I'm ready, Inuyasha.  You said you wanted me, Kagome – and I believe you.”  At his stiffening frame, she pulled back and opened her eyes.  “You know who Kagome is better than Kagome does.”

Clutching her to him urgently, he stared with unconcealed hope into her eyes, searching them to make sure she was absolutely certain.

He found no evidence of hesitation – all that was in her eyes was hope, love, and most importantly, trust.

Yanking her back into an almost desperate embrace, he closed his own eyes as joy exploded inside him.  In all his life, he had never had a moment that he'd been this happy.  Every day he'd survived to fight to survive for another was suddenly worth it.  All his past with Kikyou, everything that he'd gone through with Naraku, his brother, and all those who'd always tried to destroy him – it was worth every bit of suffering just to be standing here with this woman in his arms...

This woman who would be his wife, who would tie her life to his in front of the kami and everyone on earth, linking herself to him for eternity.

“Kagome,”  he got out around the obstruction in his throat hesitantly.  “Will you come home with me?  To the home I built for us?  Now?”

“Yes,”  she said, affection clear in her voice as she gave him the one answer he'd been waiting for so long for.  “Take me home, Inuyasha.  My otto.  My husband.”

He swung her up into his arms and took off at a run in the direction of their hut, his eyes shining brilliantly as a smile lit his features in a way Kagome'd never seen before.

He's so beautiful all the time... but it's breathtaking when he's truly happy...

I want to spend endless lifetimes making him look that way...

… And she did.

~oOo~

And there's their happy ending... it just took a little longer than canon would have us believe.

Amber

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