Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts! ❯ Chapter 1

Author’s Note: I would like to give a very special thank you note to James Rolfe, who has especially given me his kind permission to feature the AVGN character in this story. The AVGN has attracted thousands of Internet viewers from around the world and has continued to prove influential to countless fans even to this day. May I strongly advise readers to at least view one of his works, which have often left me in a painful fit of laughs and giggles. Mr. Rolfe, thank you very much, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this story dedicated to your very angry creation.

Please bear in mind that all opinions and views expressed in this story do not reflect those of Disney, Square Enix, ScrewAttack, James Rolfe or myself, and are strictly used for entertainment purposes. So please don’t take anything too seriously! It’s just humor!

Disclaimer: ‘Kingdom Hearts’ is property of Disney and Square-Enix respectfully. ‘The Angry Video Game Nerd’ is property of ScrewAttack respectfully. Nothing belongs to me, so please don’t sue.

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Angry Video Game Nerd Saves Kingdom Hearts!

By Charles Xavier

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Chapter One

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“‘Kingdom Hearts’…who would have guessed that Disney and Squaresoft, or Square Enix as it’s now called, would form this unusual collaboration to produce a game that would soon magnetize millions of fans?

For once, I have to admit that this game kicked ass. The intro movie was awesome and really sucked you into the story. You get to meet all of your favorite characters stretching from Final Fantasy games to Disney cartoons. The original characters were sweet and the voice acting was fabulous. I especially loved Haley Joel Osment as Sora, the main hero, and it was great to hear Mandy Moore lending her voice to Aerith Gainsborough. Many of the original voice cast from the old Disney movies came back to reprise their respective roles, which pleased many of their fans and made the game feel nostalgic and fresh at the same time.

Within a few months, ’Kingdom Hearts’ had sold over four million copies worldwide, and had become listed as one of the best selling PS2 titles of all time. Disney and Square obviously knew this game was going to be a big hit, so already they were digging their shovels in for a sequel by the time they released the first game. After four patient years, we were finally given ‘Kingdom Hearts II’, which undoubtedly blew away every kid’s mind with its more complex plot, new characters and plenty of new gameplay features. It was also the first time we saw Mickey Mouse in hard core action, kind of like Yoda in the Star Wars prequel trilogy.

‘Kingdom Hearts’ had rapidly risen to so much fame that it spawned a manga series, a bunch of novels and I’ve even heard rumors that a CG movie may be in the works…although I’m not too sure. It sort of makes me think back to ‘Final Fantasy: Advent Children’, which although had great visual effects and over-the-top action scenes, seemed to lack quite severely on plot and character development.

Recently though, Disney and Square had decided once again to pave way for another basket of sequels: ‘Kingdom Hearts: coded’, ‘Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep’ and ‘Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days’. Now, not that I have anything against these sequels, but why all the fancy names? Sure, it may not be as bad as say ‘Kingdom Hearts: Reloaded’, ‘Kingdom Hearts: Resurrection’ or ‘Kingdom Hearts: The Search For More Money’. But couldn’t they have just numbered all these games? ‘Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep’ is meant to be a prequel, so would it hurt so much to call it simply ‘Kingdom Hearts 0’? And why not call ‘Kingdom Hearts: coded’ as ‘Kingdom Hearts III’, since it takes place after ‘Kingdom Hearts II’? As a matter of fact, shouldn’t ‘Kingdom Hearts II’ be ‘Kingdom Hearts III’? ‘Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days’ takes place before that game, so theoretically it’s ‘Kingdom Hearts II’.

This is getting WAY too confusing. I actually felt the whole series could have ended by now. I mean, Sora found his way back home, didn’t he? He was reunited with Riku and Kairi, and the ending in ‘Kingdom Hearts II’ pretty much tied up all the loose ends. So why push the story any further? And I don’t think it’s very necessary adding prequels, midquels, interquels…or whatever happened in between events. They just cram up the series with unwanted load.

So, after all this time I’ve talked about ‘Kingdom Hearts’ and my personal views about it, you’re probably asking the question: ‘Hey, wasn’t there another game of this on the Game Boy Advance’? Well sure, except that I left it out. And you want to know why?”

The Nerd glared bitterly at the cartridge labeled ‘Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories’ in his hands. “BECAUSE IT’S A STEAMING PILE OF GOAT SHIT!” he spat on the game repulsively and pounded it with his fist. “‘Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories’ is a horrible fucking waste! Bible games look more like Final Fucking Fantasy classics compared to this unforgivable sack of monkey piss! This is the reason why this game never became ‘Kingdom Hearts II’, and instead was cashed in as a sorry excuse to keep the fans attached to the fucking franchise!

Now, I am aware that it does bridge well a lot of the events leading up to the official sequel. And to tell you the truth, the story is pretty impressive. We get to see Naminé for the first time, who holds a very prominent role in the series. We also meet a handful of members from Organization XIII, who are trying to stop Sora from continuing his journey. The graphic designs and full motion videos are incredible, considering that they’re from the Game Boy Advance. The music score is captivating, although repetitive at times.

So, adding up all those good points together, just what in God’s name makes this game so undeniably unplayable? Simple…it’s the fucking abysmal gameplay! The most important aspect of any game is to fucking enjoy it while fucking playing it! Every rabid gamer should know that in an RPG, you attack enemies with punches, kicks, or whatever weapon you have in stock. Often there’d also be all sorts of magic spells to cast and various items to pick up and use whenever you get stuck in a jam. But in ‘Chain of Memories’, all that you’re given are these shitty cards! Yes, I’m serious…DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS! Your only way of survival through each level is dealing with cards! Why in the hell does each retarded boss need to whip out a bunch of cards to make their moves, when they could easily use their common sense in their brains to attack? Sometimes my cards are completely useless against theirs! I’m washed up as brown bread! The Organization doesn’t fuck around with anybody!

Might this suggest that that every villain in the world knows how to play stupid cards? So think for example if like, Batman was about to pound the Joker to a pulp, he’d squat down on his lazy ass and play Snap with him…and maybe take a shit to pass the time? Or say if Mario was having a climactic showdown with Bowser in his castle, Bowser would say: ‘Aw, fuck this gameplay. I always fall into the lava pit every time you beat me! Why don’t we just play with some Yu-Gi-Oh cards?’.

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? You don’t like, go into a fucking battle and play Poker against your enemies! You ever think the Autobots foil the Decepticons’ plans each time by playing a dumb ass Bridge game with them?

Anyway, moving on, the card factor isn’t the only thing that makes this game suck donkey dick. There’s a lot of slow ass dialogue between levels that simply doesn’t know when to stop. Why can’t these characters just shut the fuck up and let me play? And speaking of each level…where the hell am I supposed to go? I get so easily lost in these godforsaken mazes! I have to open random doors with my fucking cards and each room leads me into some unpredictable scenario! I could be indulging myself with useless garbage inside a dozen treasure chests, or I could be gang-raped by a horde of Heartless ready to make my worst nightmare a fucking reality!

You might be surprised to notice how scenically similar many of the levels are compared to the first ‘Kingdom Hearts’ game. In fact, they ARE the same! Why do I need to waste my fucking time revisiting all these Disney worlds, meeting up with the same boring characters and facing the same goddamn bosses all over again? How much cheaper could they have made this pointless game? No wonder it was never made into the official sequel!

Well, there you go. That’s ‘Chain of Memories’ for you. Although in my opinion, they should have named it: ‘Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Horrible Retarded Godawful Fart-Spewing Cat-Vomiting Shit-Munching Memories That Remind You How Much Life Sucks’! I’d rather suck diarrhea out of a gorilla’s hairy anus and eat camel shit balls on a pool table! I’d rather stick my fingers up a warthog’s nostril and yank all the hair out of my eyebrows! I’d love to hog down rat guts and have blood spraying out of my ass than play this unspeakable fecal matter!”

The Nerd needed to calm down. He gulped down his bottle of Rolling Rock empty to sooth his pain, after letting out all his frustration on the despicable game.

“Truthfully though, I wouldn’t mind playing this revised version I got on eBay. Not many people are aware, but did you know Square later remade ‘Chain of Memories’ for the PS2 with vastly enhanced features? Since it was only released in Japan, hardly any of us in America got to see the actual game. Now, since my PS2 hasn’t been chipped to actually play imports, I’ll have to use the good old Action Replay to fix those problems! Rumor has it that there’s a trick to playing imports with a few little tweaks on this baby.

So let’s pump up the console and shove this bastard in!”

XXX

Having plugged in his beloved Playstation 2, the Nerd inserted the Action Replay and prayed to God to find at least a fraction of an improvement with ‘Kingdom Hearts Re:Chain of Memories’ (no comment about the altered title). “I’ve never tried this with the Action Replay before. So let’s hope nothing fucked up happens.” he inserted the unscratched disc of the game, and by a sheer stroke of luck, it began to load. “All right! We’re in business! ”

However, the title screen did not display. Had the game suddenly crashed? Not likely…because the Nerd heard a very distinct sound of somebody laughing maniacally at him.

“VWEE! HEE! HEE!” the unwelcoming image of Kefka Palazzo appeared on the TV screen, greeting the Nerd with his sadistic grin. “I have you now, Nerd! Soon you will join Sora and his pathetic group of maggots in their rotting cells!”

The Nerd dropped speechless by his unnerving presence. “Kefka? Wow…I’ve had Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Spider-Man and Bugs Bunny breaking into my house. But what the shit load of fuck are you doing inside of my TV? I would have expected Bozo, Pennywise or even Yucko more than you crazy ass son of a corny clown.”

“Enough talk!” Kefka hissed menacingly. “Seize him at once!”

A strange aura filled the room and this made the Nerd discomforted. Right from under his feet, the head of a Heartless emerged, scaring the bejesus out of him and making him fall over. More Heartless came crawling out from the floor, the windows, the walls, the ceiling…and even one out of his ass?

“Aw, shit!” the Nerd shoved the mindless creatures out of his way and ran for his refrigerator, containing nothing but more Rolling Rock. “Stay the fuck away, you shit eating bastards!” he hurled the bottles at the Heartless to keep them away. Glass shattered and beer spilled everywhere, its smell somewhat attracting the Heartless for a curious taste. They crouched down and started vacuuming up the beer, which made Kefka scowl at the stupidity of his minions.

“Infidels! Get up on your feet before he escapes!”

The Nerd’s projector suddenly flickered on, and on the wall appeared the face of King Mickey Mouse. By now, the Nerd was close to shitting his pants. Just when his day had turned from bad to worse, Disney’s most famous icon was speaking to him out from his projector. How much more random could tonight get? He began to wonder what was next: Sonic the Hedgehog singing in his shower, or Lemmings climbing out from his toilet?

“Hurry!” Mickey shouted, stretching his arm out from the screen. “There’s no time to explain! Take my hand and I’ll get you out of here!”

The drunken Heartless made no effort to stop the Nerd as he firmly grabbed Mickey. And before he knew it, he was pulled out of his home, and out of his world.

XXX

“Ouch! Jesus!”

The Nerd had hit his head pretty hard from the unsafe fall. Donald Duck and Goofy were beyond shocked to see who had landed in their courtyard with their Majesty. He certainly didn’t look like the type of hero Mickey had mentioned before. Yet there he was, sitting on the grass with his white button shirt, glasses and pens in his pocket.

“Who the…?” the Nerd couldn’t believe at all at what he was seeing. “Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck?” he rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. “This is retarded! Just what in cock-a-doodle bull fuck have I been eating?”

“Oh, my!” said an astounded Queen Minnie. “What an excessive tongue he has.”

“You got that right!” the Nerd replied. “They don’t call me ‘Angry’ for jack shit! Could someone here please tell me what in Christ Almighty is going on? I can drink piss out of a giant elephant’s dick for one day, but this is plain ridiculous!”

“Angry Video Game Nerd,” said Mickey, “this may come as a surprise to you, but our worlds are in incredibly grave danger. We are in desperate need our your help, because you’re the only one who can save us all in this darkest hour!”

The Disney Castle trembled in the wake of an erupting voice: crying out with all hatred:

“FUUUUUUUUUUCK!”