Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Dirge ❯ Zack ( Chapter 15 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

: Dirge

Pairing: CloudXRiku!

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don’t own KH, Square Enix does.

Warnings: Yaoi , and violence, and bad language, lots of language.

Music: HYDE - Masquerade - 666

Prompt: Sin


Riku stared at the floor as Clod paced the room. “What are we going to do?” The silver teen asked. “We can’t tell Squall about us. He’d go ballistic.”

“I’m not entirely sure there is an “us” Riku.”

“What do you mean?” Riku let his gaze wander up to the pacing blonde. “Of course there is an us, we kissed, you said you loved me. That means there is an us.”

“No, it means there are complications. Don’t make this go farther than it has to.”

“Oh come on Cloud. Don’t pull this. You and I both know this has gone too far to ignore.”

“I can ignore a kiss.”

“You’re having second thoughts?”

Cloud paused a moment and reached into his pocket for a cigarette. He stared at the little white stick a moment, then shook his head and put it back into his pocket. “I never really had a first thought, I just blurted it out.”

“So did I, but that just makes it more honest.”

“I don’t want to risk this Riku. Think about it, think about what you yourself said. ‘How long would I survive with you dead?’ Relationships are complicated out here. If one person gets hurt it can affect the survival of the other. I don’t want anyone dependant on that.”

“You mean like you were with Zack.” Riku replied. Cloud jumped at the mention of the name and stared at Riku with a mix of disbelief and surprise.

“How…how did you know about that?”

“It’s obvious Cloud, you talk about him as if he were some kind of god, and you even admitted you two were close. I can imagine how torn up you were when he died.”

“Yeah well, I’m just not sure I’m ready to go through that, or put you through that.”

“I never said I was going to die.”

“No one ever says it, it just happens. Axel wasn’t expecting to die when we went down to raid your boat, your dad wasn’t expecting to die when he came to this city. You weren’t expecting to get stuck out here, Sora wasn’t expecting to get shot. The guard you killed wasn’t expecting a sword in the stomach. Shit happens, it’s unavoidable, and it comes at the worst moment. I don’t want you to go through that pain if I should suddenly keel over, and vice versa.”

“You can’t live in fear the rest of your life.”

“Why not? Fear keeps you safe, it’s a warning against things that will hurt and things that are stupid.”

“So you’re saying a relationship would be stupid.”

“You know what I mean by it.”

“Yeah, I understand that you’re afraid. But admit it Cloud, if either of us were to die in the next few minutes the other would be just as distraught as if we were together.”

“In the next few minutes yeah, but not over time. Feelings fade after a while, it’s unavoidable.”

Riku shifted uncomfortably in the bed. He was upset with Cloud, but the blonde made a good point. Riku just didn’t want to admit to himself that it was possible that Cloud could die.

“Is this the same speech Zack gave you?” Riku asked softly. He could tell he hit the nerve right when Cloud suddenly stiffened and looked away. “He did didn’t he.”

“Yeah, he did, and he died a month later.” Cloud turned to look Riku in the eye. “He was right. And you know, I haven’t been the same since. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re so stubborn and you’re too scared to take a chance. And I’m sorry I kissed you. Maybe things will be easier for you if we don’t talk as much any more.”

That wasn’t what Cloud wanted, but he couldn’t help but think that Riku was right. Things would be easier for both of them if they did stop talking and spending as much time together. But then the thought of what Riku did, back on the roof the day that Vincent came, flooded through Cloud’s mind.:

Riku looked to make sure Vincent was gone, then sat up on his knees, so that he was level with Cloud’s head. Before he could convince himself that it would be stupid or sappy, he leaned forward and embraced Cloud tightly while burying his head into the blonde’s neck. Riku felt Cloud stiffen at the touch, but he didn’t care, he just pulled the older man closer and whispered in his ear.

“Emotions are a good thing, I don’t care what Vincent says.”

“Cloud, I’m going to go check on Sora. When you know what it is you want talk to me. Just make sure you know before you get me ok?” Riku pulled himself off the bed and slowly walked toward the door. Cloud wanted to stop him, wanted to reach out and grab his arm, but his brain had been fried. He was no longer so certain that he wanted Riku to leave him alone. But he wasn’t so sure he wanted to be with the younger boy either. Cloud was still wary of being hurt.

“I need time to think.” He said, just before Riku exited the room. The boy nodded silently, then left.

Cloud sat back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, allowing one of his hands to run through his hair. As if his life wasn’t complicated enough Riku had to walk in, like some sort of silver representation of his past. The boy was so much like him when he was younger. Already the teen’s outlook on life had been altered permanently. Life wasn’t so grand, wasn’t so golden, but he still thought that happiness could be obtained, even on the outside. And he sought that happiness through Cloud. The same way Cloud had sought it from Zack.

But Zack had turned him down ruthlessly. Cloud still remembered the day when he had gone to the older man and confessed his love. He had been 20 at the time, Zack 24. He had just flat out told the older man his feelings, and his intentions. Cloud could still remember the smile that had flashed on Zack’s face for a moment, before it was replaced with a serious frown. “Cloud.” Zack had said. “I can’t get into a relationship. I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t seem fair, but some day you’ll understand. The Outside is filled with nothing but loss, and I won’t put you through the pain of losing a lover.”

“But, Zack, you can’t tell me you don’t love me, I’ve seen the way you look at me sometimes, and the way you talk to me. You don’t treat me like the others either.”

“I know Cloud. I’m sorry. But you’ll have to believe me. Losing a loved one is painful, but losing a over is even more so. I won’t put you through that. You’ll understand.”

But Cloud hadn’t understood, not at the time, and he’d been persistent, trying to get Zack to at least admit his love. But it all stopped a month later, when they had gotten into a vicious territory fight. The entire brawl had stopped suddenly as Zack and the leader of the other gang got involved in a pride fight. Cloud remembered watching in horror as the man he loved was cut down in front of him. Cloud hadn’t taken it lightly either, in a mad dash he picked up Zack’s sword and slew the man that had killed Zack. Without a leader on either side the fight broke up, and Cloud was left standing over Zack’s dead body.

It had been the most painful moment of his life. Cloud had known at that moment what Zack had meant. And the pain had slowly engulfed him. On the day of Dirge, when Cloud had had to give Zack’s body to the monks, he nearly punched the one monk for dumping Zack’s body into the truck unceremoniously. Squall had had to restrain him so he wouldn’t get shot.

The last thing Cloud wanted was to put Riku through that pain. But then again, Cloud mused, maybe it was about time he gave up on Zack, and learn to love Riku. What was that old saying? It’s better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all? Or something like that. Maybe what he needed to do now was take the risk and love Riku.

A knock interrupted Cloud’s thoughts. He looked up to see Roxas standing there, a bunch of junk in his hands. “Cloud, I need you to help me sort this stuff, I don’t get any of it.”

“Right, I’ll be right there.” Cloud replied. Roxas nodded and wandered off while Cloud got out of the bed and stretched.

‘Well,’ Cloud thought. ‘I’ll think about it later.’