Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ The Sacrifice ❯ Part 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Part 3: Termination and Reinstallation

Morgana Maeve

I'M NOT DEAD! I finally got Internet again! Woohoo! Onward with the crack of doom! (No, I am not high on my socks, thanks for asking.)

Warning: Axel/Roxas. Crack. Perverseness. Weirdness.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot. Characters come from Kingdom Hearts.

oOo

The higher ups all wore long black robes, hoods obscuring their faces. There were just three this time, sitting in their chairs, looming up above Axel. He had to crane his neck just to see their crotches. That was not something he wanted to see, and he kept his eye firmly on the legs of their chair.

“Axel,” one said, its voice booming. “God of fire.”

“Yeah?” he answered insolently, letting his eyes rise to its kneecaps. “You wanted to see me?”

“We understand you have obtained a sacrifice,” another one said, pulling out a giant clipboard. “Human. Male. A virgin.”

“I knew it,” Axel thought excitedly, devious grin lighting up his face. “Fun, fun, fun.”

“Are you aware that you are breaking several codes of conduct with this sacrifice?” the third one asked, and Axel felt his grin die.

“Codes of conduct?” he repeated unintelligently, frowning at the higher ups. “What codes of conduct?”

“In Sector six, letter B, subunit four, roman numeral thirteen, it states that any god and/or goddess must fill out the proper forms for obtaining a sacrifice. You have not done so.”

“I need to fill out a form?!”

“Several forms actually,” said the middle one. “There's the Form of Intent, the Form of Sexual Conduct, the Form of Promiscuity/Loyalty, and we also need you to fill out a survey about whether or not you enjoyed your sacrifice.”

“I'd enjoy my sacrifice a lot more if you guys weren't bothering me about forms!” Axel yelled.

“That reminds me,” said the one of the far left, “you haven't updated your yearly Sexual Preference worksheet yet.”

I'm a god! I don't have a sexual preference!”

“Then I can assume that a simple check in the `Bisexual' box will suffice?” asked the one on the right, scribbling something in its notebook.

“That's fine,” Axel answered. He really didn't care if they checked off `trisexual' as long as he could get back to his Roxas.

“Which brings us to another point,” the middle one said, and Axel decided that he really didn't like that one. He wondered if the higher ups were flammable. It'd be worth a try. “We've heard a number of stories about your sexual prowess.”

“A number of disturbing stories, actually,” the middle one butted in. “We've gotten complaints from numerous gods who are currently sharing the palace. Vexen, god of science and ice, has filed the most.”

“Oh, ew, no.” Axel cringed. “I can explain that one. I was drunk, he was there, and stuff just happened. I was horrified when I found out.”

“He's filed complaints about your noise level,” the middle one said. “And we've gotten further complaints from Demyx, god of water, Marluxia, god of flowers, and Larxene, goddess of lightning. Care to explain any of those?”

“She drugged me,” Axel pointed out. “I wanted nothing to do with her. She had me chained to the bed.”

“We've also head reports from our human resources that you've been with at least six priests, two junior priests, five priestesses, and several locals.”

“Lies,” Axel spat. “It was never that many. Somebody's lying.”

“Regardless,” the middle one said, “you're worse than Zeus.”

“No one is as bad as Zeus,” Axel defended himself. “And Zeus taught me all I know.”

“Figures,” the taller of the higher ups said. “Remember the problems he used to give us? Seducing a girl as a bull. What next?”

“I'm surprised Hera stayed with him,” the left higher up said. “That boy was trouble. So was Hercules.”

“Don't get me started on Hercules,” the middle one groaned. “Stupid little ass that he was. I'm glad they shipped him off.”

“Can I go now?” Axel asked, inching to the door, which at that moment, decided to burst open, smashing into his face.

“Axel, save me!” Roxas yelled, running in, arms outstretched, near tears. “Xigbar's gonna rape me!

“Roxas!” Axel yelled back, opening his arms to the blonde. It was like a cheesy scene from a bad romance movie: the teary heroine runs in slow motion to the dashing hero, who sweeps her off her feet into a breathtaking kiss. Neither one noticed the higher ups stiffen and stare. “I'll protect you!”

Roxas stopped short. “You're bleeding. Profusely.”

“I'm a god. I don't bleed,” Axel said proudly, sitting his hands on his hips. Blood gushed from his nose.

“That's not true,” one of the higher ups said. “You're bleeding right now.”

“Dammit!” Axel yelled, ripping off a key part of his robe and plugging his nose with it. Amazingly, as it were - this could never be recreated in normal life - the rest of the robe fell off. And he wasn't wearing anything under.

Roxas knew he was staring, but he couldn't help himself.

“That's pretty big, isn't it?” the little perverted voice, starting up again. “Wouldn't mind that inside of you, would you?” He actually shuddered, and it wasn't from nerves. Axel noticed.

“You want to go?” he asked, and then grinned wolfishly. “Or do you want to come?” he added suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I, er, you, that is, uh,” Roxas stated intelligently.

“You can't leave until you finish your forms,” the higher up on the right intoned. “And we'll have to…hold…your sacrifice until they're completed.

“How about I do something else and you forget about those forms?” Axel asked. The higher ups turned to each other and discussed.

“Well, there is one thing you can do,” one said, rubbing its hands together.

“Yeah? What?”

“You can give us your sacrifice's virginity!” they all yelled at the same time, and the air became that much more perverted. Axel and Roxas stared at the higher ups.

“My what!” Roxas yelled, red blooming on his face.

“We never get cute sacrifices!” the higher ups explained. “And you're beyond cute. You're hot. So can't you just indulge us?” The drool pattered on the floor in great, nasty plops. Axel stared at them in horrified disgust.

“Out. We're leaving,” he said shortly, grabbing Roxas' arms and leading him out. “I'll do the forms when I feel like it,” he told three very disappointed higher ups.

“What was that?” Roxas asked him once they were safely back in halls. “And can't you put on some clothes?”

“Why? Am I turning you on?” Axel answered back, smirking at him. “And who untied you?”

“Xigbar,” Roxas said absently, and then white light exploded around him.

“That's one for the photo album,” Xaldin said, laughing.

“You! You ate my carrots!” Axel yelled, blinking furiously. “I'll kill you!”

“If you can catch me!” Xaldin laughed, running away.

“Damn you!” Axel exclaimed, crashing into a wall.

“Be careful!” Roxas cautioned, bending down and picking up Axel's shoulders. “You're going to hurt yourself that way.”

“So you do care about me!” Axel said happily, beaming up at Roxas.

“No, we just want your sex,” the pervert-voice said, and the little mental Roxas jumped on it and strangled it, beating its head into the metaphorical floor.

“You be quiet now!” the mental Roxas commanded. “And you!” it yelled, pointing a fat little finger at the mental Axel. “Sex us up now!”

“My own body rebels against me!” Roxas thought in horror.

“Don't forget your mind,” the inner-Roxas added happily. “I don't listen to you much either.” Roxas could just feel it smirking. “You could say I'm a mind of my own.”

Anybody else would have been disturbed by this mental conversation. Roxas was just suspicious. “I recognize your voice,” he told it.

“Well, you should, being as I'm you.” It giggled.

“But you're not,” Roxas countered. “That's not my voice. You're a different voice. And I know it. I know I know it.”

“Remember that one crazy night,” the inner-Roxas began. “You were with Hayner, and he brought out his special `Epic-Win-Mixture-Of-Rum-And-Tequila?”

In fact, Roxas did not remember that night, but that might have been because of the copious amount of drink he had consumed. Ne doubted that Hayner remembered it either.

“Well, anyway,” the voice continued, “that stuff is pure alcohol. One hundred percent proof. All you have to do it look at it to get drunk. And you downed the entire bottle.”

“So what, did it give me schizophrenic mind abilities?” Roxas asked it, contempt laced in his voice.

“Oh no, it didn't. But do you want to know why that thing was so alcoholic? It was my prison, you know,” the voice said. “I was entombed there for fifty years, and guess what? You drank me, along with the alcohol, which is my…element, if you will.”

“Please don't tell me you're a god.”

“Then I won't.” Roxas groaned and executed a perfect face-plant into his hands.

“Who are you? Dionysus or something?”

“Close,” the inner-Roxas lilted. “We're like, ninth cousins, or something. But I'll give you a hint. You dreamed of me every singly day for about two months last year.”

Roxas froze. “It's you!” he bellowed.

“It's me!” the inner-Roxas said, its blonde hair morphing into spiky brown hair that bobbed ecstatically. “Your good all friend from your dreams, Sora!”

“It was you who gave me all those crazy sex-dreams?” Roxas wailed, wavy blue lines forming by the side of his head.

“Well yeah, I got bored, and your dreams were stupid.”

“They were not stupid!”

“You dreamt of pink poodles once. You needed a change of pace. And I have needs too. It worked out for both of us.”

“It didn't work out for my sheets,” Roxas hissed.

“So? They were a casualty. Big deal.” Sora flapped his hand. “It's not my fault that the only stuff I can control from inside your body are your brains and that thing that hangs down your boxer-shorts.”

“Do you know you're talking to yourself?” Axel asked him.

“I what?” Roxas repeated from the depths of his hands.

“You were talking to yourself.” Axel sounded awed. “And you answered back. In a different voice.”

“Ha ha, oops,” Sora said, sounding not the least bit sorry.

“I don't like you,” Roxas snarled back. Picking up his face from his hands, Roxas tried to school his features into the impeccable deadpan he was a master at creating. “Don't you want to go somewhere?” he asked Axel through clenched teeth. Axel took a step back in fear.

“Your eye is twitching,” he said quietly.

“No, it's not,” Roxas ground out. “It's perfectly fine.” Axel was not going to bother messing with that. Angry-Roxas was a scary-Roxas.

“Okay,” Axel said, putting up his hands in supplicating defense. Only, he didn't have hands. There wasn't any blood or anything; the just weren't there from the wrist up.

There was silence.

“Holy crap!” Axel yelled, waving his handless appendages around. “Holy crap!”

“Wh-wh-what happened!?” Roxas screeched, pointing with a shaking finger to Axel's missing parts.

“I don't know! They were just there!”

“But they're gone! Did they fall off?”

“Help me find them!” Axel begged, dropping to his…elbows…and knees. “Maybe they rolled somewhere!”

“Axel!” Both god and human looked up guiltily at the figure storming towards them. And boy, was Xemnas pissed. Pissed to hell. And quite possibly, back. “Do you see what I see?!” he growled ominously, pulling open his toga from neck to waist. Axel stared and Roxas gaped.

The head god had a neck. He had arms. He had hands. From all appearances, he had legs. But he didn't have a torso. His neck simply stopped and did not continue into anything. So did his shoulders.

“Do you have idea how uncomfortably weird this is?” Xemnas snapped at the fire-god. Axel pulled a face somewhere between cringing and snickering and then choked. Xemnas was strangling him. “I'll kill you!”

Luckily, both were interrupted by Demyx, who was fleeing down the hallway like a chicken without its head. Roxas stared at him, eyes ready to pop out of their sockets and ooze down his face into a gooey puddle on the floor. Xemnas dropped Axel in shock, and hurried over the water-god, head floating above nothing but a pair of legs. Axel gasped and sputtered.

“Little buddy!” he cried out. Demyx cracked into a statue and toppled over it. “Oh my, human! Your head is gone!”

“Well this is not good,” Sora muttered.

-o-

Even though he wasn't a god (Absorbed, banished gods don't count.), Roxas still tagged along with the handless Axel and the headless Demyx to the emergency meeting. All of the divine beings present had parts missing, ranging from hands, heads, torsos, legs, hair, and of course, boobs.

“My boobs are gone,” Larxene informed Axel. “I liked my boobs. And I know you're involved in this. Somehow.”

“Actually, for once, Axel isn't directly responsible,” Zexion said. He looked funny with a completely bald head, but no one was laughing. “Newcomers have arrived in the oasis. And they've brought their religion with them.”

“Oh no, not again,” Saïx muttered. He was the only god who wasn't missing something…no wait, never mind. Roxas just didn't know Saïx usually had a giant scar on his face.

Zexion frowned. “The same as always. Invaders who want to spread the truth of their religion. They've already begun attacking the shrines. They don't believe in idols.”

“We should get Roxas out of here,” Axel said, and there was a mumbled agreement. “You don't want to be here when this place collapses. How much longer do we have left?”

“Not long,” Zexion answered. “They've gone after Larxene's shrine first. It's almost done burning.” Everyone turned to the lightning-goddess, and she smiled ruefully.

“I guess this is it,” she said, eyes narrowed. Her body began to fade in and out of existence until finally, all that was left was a ghostly imprint that disappeared slowly like a summer wind's sigh.

“This really sucks,” Xigbar complained, watching as his feet guttered.

“Is there anything we can do?” Saïx asked Xemnas.

“No,” the head-god answered flatly. “Our followers are dead, aren't they?”

Zexion nodded. “All the priests and priestesses. And with them died our power. We'll be born again, different.”

“And I was just getting used to this form too, Xigbar sighed, winking out of existence, words fading off into oblivion.

“Axel,” the scribe-god commanded. “Take Roxas somewhere safe. These invaders are caught in a bloodlust right now. They'll kill him if they find him. Take him to edge of the oasis and leave him in the desert. There are women camped there. They'll take good care of him.” Axel nodded, and though his body resisted with every fiber of its created existence, he beckoned the horrified human to follow him, pausing just long enough to watch Demyx slip from corporal sight.

They hurried down the halls, and Roxas looked in sadness at the ruin about him. The walls were no longer white but a sickly gray, peeling at the corners, flaking away to reveal a blood-red sky. Wind tugged at his feet, pulling him back, and it was only through sheer determination that Roxas kept up with the god. The floor rocked beneath his feet, cracks creating a spider-web of tenuous solidity.

“This isn't funny,” he said, and Axel nodded.

“Tell me about it,” he answered, and the stopped in front of a small, nondescript door. “This will take you to the desert,” he said. His body faded for a second, and Roxas' heart leapt to his throat. “Go, hurry!”

Roxas took a hesitant step forward, hand resting lightly on the doorknob, but at the last second, he turned back, facing Axel. “I won't go,” he said stubbornly. “Not without a promise.” The ceiling around them began to crumble, raining down in pallid. Axel sucked in a breath.

“This is no time for romanticism,” Axel said desperately. “Now go!”

Roxas took another step…in the wrong direction. He planted himself right in front of Axel's fading body and stood on tiptoes.

“If you don't find me within five years, I'll never forgive you,” Roxas hissed, and then sealed the deal with a kiss. It was a hurried, mashed kiss, not one that Axel would ever be proud of, but it was a kiss nonetheless, and it was what Axel took with him into that dark place where all displaced gods go. As for Roxas, he could still feel the imprint of Axel's lips on his mouth, could still taste Axel's lips, even as he thrust open the door with a violence and stepped through it into blinding light.

-S-I-X-Y-E-A-R-S-L-A-T-E-R-

Roxas, rightfully so, gave up on ever seeing Axel again, and he never talked about his experience to anyone. He was the last survivor of a religion destroyed, and the women of the camp had taken good care of him. He made new friends, and was generally accepted, but it always felt that something was missing.

“Of course something's missing,” Sora told him. “You didn't get laid. You need to get laid. What about that guy over there? The one with the purple-silver hair? He looks good.”

“Oh, put a sock in it,” Roxas snapped half-heartedly, not even bothering to think it.

“But I didn't say anything,” said a timid voice behind him. Roxas whirled around. “I'm sorry!” squeaked the speaker, a lanky, sandy-haired kid. Roxas stared at him.

“No, not, it's okay.” Roxas forced his mouth to move. There was no way…he was seeing things…this couldn't possibly be real. And yet, he found himself staring over the kid's shoulder, hoping and praying…

“I'm Emyd, by the way,” the kid was saying. “And this is my brother's friend.” He pointed to the empty space next to him and then realized it was empty. “Hey! Lae! Get over here!”

Something fluttered suspiciously in Roxas' chest.

“Whaddaya want, shrimp-basket?” Something tall and lean and red-haired sauntered over and Roxas thought he was going to die. The hair was different, longer and straight, and the marks under his eyes were gone, but there he was, standing right before him. “Hey, how you doin'?” Lae asked Roxas, wriggling his eyebrows.

“I found you,” Roxas said.

“No, I found you,” Lae answered back, putting an arm around Roxas' shoulders. Emyd frowned at them and rolled his eyes, walking off.

“You did this, didn't you?” Roxas asked Sora.

“I might have a few connections,” the brunette said silkily. “And besides, we both knew you wanted to bang him.”

“Speaking of,” said Roxas aloud, looking up at Lae, who smiled down at the blonde and leaned in for a kiss. He met resisting hand.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“You made me wait,” Roxas stated. “Six damn years. No sex for you for a week!”

“What? No!” yelled Lae. “You don't understand! I'll die if I don't have sex! I need your virginity to live!”

“You'll just have to content yourself with this.” Roxas reached up and kissed him for his worth. And this time, it was slow and wet and utterly delicious.

oOo

This is not the end. Close to, but not the end. There will be a lemon.

So like yeah, I love how Axel/Xemnas and Axel/Xigbar aren't even crack pairings. There is no love there! We'll have to see how badly Axel/Xaldin does. (Cookies to anybody who knows what I'm talking about.)

Please remember to read and review!