Macross Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Slayers Fan Fiction ❯ The Legend of Macross (which has nothing to do with Macross, really) ❯ Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10: THE GUARD THAT LOOKS NOT UNLIKE VEGETA

Over the weeks, Keiro had learned a few vital things that were important to surviving aboard the Miami 16 Butt Pirates Ship.

#1. Never, ever use the toilets on the starboard side.

#2. Don't mention the names of people or things that you aren't sure exist.

#3. Trunks is sensitive and not entirely sane.

#4. Robin Williams is Evil.

But none the less, she was happy. Today was the day they were to arrive on their destination. `The Island of No Return and Glue Paste.'

That was what the guard that looked `not unlike Vegita' called it any ways. Its real name was too profound to say in public. Only the citizens knew the real meaning.

Keiro and Jess leaned over the rail, clad in prisoner outfits and shackles. Jess sighed, staring out across the vast expanse of ocean.

"You know…" Keiro started.

"Hmm?"

"I have a vague feeling this very thing has happened before…somewhere in another dimension. With two people, standing just like this. Except it was a poor dude and some rich girl and…they weren't criminals. And then…the poor guy taught the rich girl how to spit…it was a really poor excuse for a spit though. I think their names were…Leonardo DiCaprio and…Kate Winslet."

Jess almost fainted. "Oh the humanity."

Keiro yelped as a spear was jabbed into her lower back. She turned to see the snarling, scowling face of the guard that looked `Not unlike Vegita'

"What?" she cried innocently.

"That's a violation of rule number 4567 code 56 of the Miami 16 Butt Pirates. You know you're not allowed to mention the names of people, things or events that DON'T exist."

"How do you know they don't exist?" she asked.

He was silent. "That…is for Heather and Heather alone to know."

"Oh. I see, she wouldn't tell you then."

"About what?"

Keiro put on a sly smile and pressed herself up against him. He raised an eyebrow, amused.

That's it, Keiro `ol girl. Act like a slut. It's not every day you have the chance to hit on Vegita…or at least, a guy that looks like his twin….

"Did anyone ever tell you how sexy that Widows Peak is?"

Oh, I've always wanted to say that.

He broke down into a sobbing fit. "No…" he clutched at her uniform. "Don't say that so loud! If she discovers I'm sexy, then, I'll be just like the rest of you! A prisoner!"

Keiro smiled, leaning up towards him. "I think I've seen you somewhere before…are you royalty?"

Jess had refrained from looking at the two, and was currently watching a dolphin that seemed somewhat fascinating at the time. She eventually realised it was just a log bobbing in the water, recollected this piece of information, then continued staring at it like nothing was wrong at all.

The Guard was blushing and stuttering, but at the same time he was deathly afraid.

"Please stop Miss…if she hears you…"

"Why don't you just take that spear of yours and stop me. Hmm?"

"I couldn't. You're too charming."

There was a loud shriek behind the two and they both jumped.

"CHARMING!!?? I'VE HEARD EVERYTHING, HE WHO DOES NOT LOOK UNLIKE VEGITA!! AND I MUST SAY, I'M ASHAMED! BUT AT SAME TIME I'VE COME TO A CONCLUSION! I SHALL HAVE YOU FOR MY COLLECTION!"

The Guard screamed in Anguish as he was dragged off, kicking and screaming. Keiro watched him go, not a trace of emotion on her face.

"What the hell was all that about?" Jess asked.

"I thought up the clever plan for him to be a prisoner so we can be together."

"Ah. Who's Vegita, any ways?"

"I can't believe you don't remember him, Jess."

"I wonder where Trunks is…" was all she could think of to say in return.

And she wandered off. Keiro felt suddenly uneasy about being alone on the ship within 10 feet of Heather.

"KEIRO!!"

Speak of the devil…

"We've arrived at our destination! I trust you'll be on your best behaviour?"

"If there's a festival for Gimps Anonymous then I'll be just dandy!"

Heather seemed to ignore her. "Where's your little friend?" she asked, indicating Jess.

"She wandered off somewhere." Keiro said. "We were discussing the finer points of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet."

"Who??" Heather snapped, bewildered.

From behind the two, the Guard that looked `Not Unlike Vegita' screamed; VIOLATION!!!

Keiro found she'd been around Trunks to much and her eyebrow started twitching.

Heather grabbed her by the ear and began to drag her back behind her. "IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND THOUSAND, THOUSAND THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE!!!" she roared.

Keiro winced, but it turned to a scowl as the Guard that looked `Not Unlike Vegita' sneered.

"You told me…you told me!"

She was thrown into a large pit filled with grunting snarling strange creatures that she couldn't see in the darkness following. The Guard was thrown down beside her and she heard the door slammed shut behind her.

"Well here we are my little chickadee."

"That was uncalled for."

"Oh. Heh. You little whore. You got yours! Revenge is mine!"

"Uh, we're both down here if you didn't notice."

He grinned, closed his eyes, and waggled his finger, looking entirely disturbing.

"Ah! But that's beside the point!"

"What is the point??"

"Sore wa himmitsu desu!!" He said, folding his arms.

She sighed and took a look around her. It was very dark, too dark to see very much, but she could tell they weren't alone.

"What the hell are those things in the corner?" she asked him suddenly.

"Hn?"

"Those little white things…"

"Oh. Ceilongs." He replied simply. "Not really the friendliest things to walk the earth."

Ceiliongs!? I'm the one who invented those little bastards! Oh crap, this place is fucked right up! If Celiongs exist here…then…so do Who Johnsons and Leepoos and…and…

She found herself inching closer towards him.

Can't be to careful…I've never even seen one…so what if I created them? I don't know how it would feel to be eaten alive by one!

"So. What's a nice chick like you doing in a…pit like this?"

There was silence. The Ceilongs giggled and laughed mockingly at him.

"Well," Keiro started, "I didn't have much choice in the matter. But while we're here why don't we make the best of it?"

There was another `heh' sound and they were in each other's arms in the next second.

The Ceilongs were suddenly very quiet.

* * *

"We are not amused." The first spoke up.

"What!? I am, for God's sake!"

"Shut up, ye bloody moron!"

"I rather like watching people have sex."

"That's not important right now! We have orders to follow!"

"It can wait…the good parts coming up!"

"My god! That's positively indecent!"

"Shut up! Remember our orders! We must carry them out!"

(Silence followed soon after the heated discussion between the 3 Ceilongs)

Ceilongs are not stupid creatures, nor are they to be taken lightly. Once, in the far corners of British Columbia an army of 9000 wrecked havoc on a heard of sheep and caused what was known as the `Vicious White Blob's Of Nothing' Plague. It spread quickly across Europe and parts of London, because the English felt they were being ignored and a `Jolly good' Plague was just what they needed to liven things up a little. The excitement however, didn't last long.

A mountain climber named Daniel Boon tried in vain to stop them but…

That's not important right now.

Before Vegita had lived in the SSJ_4 Majestic Tiger Lilly, and after he'd escaped his Father, he had lived alone, in the mountains, and had made money being a simple woods guide. He liked to live among the enchanted forest creatures, and bathe in the magical waters of the cursed spring of drowned disturbing hairstyles. He often would sit beside his cozy little fire and read about far away lands filled with Unicorns and elves and little cute fuzzy bunny rabbits. He would become sad after he read each night that he couldn't go to these places, except if you used the alternate route which required a lot of money and snorting awful smelling stuff up your nose.

So he would sit and try to think up new little games to play by himself. His Chicken served well enough in that capacity but he soon tired of it and thought it evil to give it so much attention. So one day, he invented a new game.

He constructed a life raft that could race down the mountain at alarming speeds, and thought it would be great fun to race the cute enchanted forest creatures down the slopes.

The chipmunks agreed, and on that fateful day he was to race them down the highest peak.

"Oh what fun!" he cried excitedly, crawling into his life raft. "Look at me! I'm going to have a race! Goody goody gosh!"

But it was unfortunate that Vegita went a little too fast and hit a rock on his head. When he awoke, he suddenly was no longer the fun loving woods guide that he had been two seconds ago. Suddenly he was thinking about how much he would love to put on some spandex and go destroy a few cute fuzzy bunnies. In fact, he did just that. And none of the enchanted creatures ever talked to anybody with a widow's peak ever again.

Then he suddenly became a sadistic Sayajin that realised he'd gone into a long coma and had awoke to find himself in a tiny woods cottage. There had been some rather beautiful girl looking over him with a wet cloth in her hand in a very wake-up-in-a-coma-ish scene. He'd forgotten all traces of his past. Like how he'd been raised in an incubator like some sort of Chicken and maybe that was why he'd had a sudden craving for a drumstick and liked to sit among the baby chicks and play with them. The girl, who had been sort of like his Mother for the time had suddenly left him. Even though that wasn't very motherly of her he'd found it in his heart to forgive her. Now, he only wanted to hunt her down and destroy her. Little did he know that she'd taken the nearest flight to America and had promptly been destroyed by a band of annoying pre-pubescent pop signing teens only to be reincarnated as a Picture Window.

But now that his memory was back, he was thinking along the lines of `WELCOME TO HELL' for all those that had ever given him pleasure and happiness in his life. He'd gone and destroyed the cottage he'd lived in; finding it a relaxing experience. Then he went to destroy the fantasy novels…but something about them had lured him into a false sense of security and decided to spare their lives.

After that he was picked up by a passing UFO, which wasn't odd in those parts and they'd granted him permission to be head of the Bon-Bon department. Except the ship was filled with horribly annoying and pathetic weaklings. Chipmunks from hell and perverted Captains.

Life was good.

When you're evil.

And he was as evil as they came. He'd managed to sire a few offspring that looked `Not Unlike Himself' and let them out in the world to really make something of themselves. He didn't know about them now. It was just as good that they didn't have to be raised in an incubator like some cheap hand-me-down plastic excuse for a life form.

Vegita wasn't plastic, but he sometimes wondered what he was. He had a tail. That wasn't ordinary, and the only time anybody ever saw him eat was a rare moment when he was eating human flesh.

(sigh)

Maybe…he was constructed from recycled springs. That explained the thing in his pants…but, it was too disturbing to think about.

So, he went on being evil and bad and sexy and that's about all we have to say on the topic about Vegita.