Mahou Sensei Negima! Fan Fiction ❯ Third Quarter Waxing ❯ Third Moon ( Chapter 3 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Author-speaking:

The moon waxes to its third this night
and so I sit and write and write

And back to your regularly scheduled fic...

The Journal of Konoe Konoka

Third Moon

I've been extremely tense this last month. Secchans alter-ego approaching me and evoking such reactions was a memorable experience, and I find myself remembering it every time I look at Secchan. She never strays very far, making such occurances often. Usually, Secchan is jumpy and blushing, due to my own subtle advances, but after falling into her gaze that night and being held so tightly in her grasp... I feel like I've lost the pants in this relationship. I could reclaim them easily, with Secchan knowing nothing, but the problem is that I don't want to reclaim them. But if she won't put them on... I had better cease using the metaphor, as it is causing strange thoughts. Her lack of agression is beginning to drive me insane... I'm usually satisfied with making her blush and stammer, confirming that I have her attention and her love. But lately, I've been wanting her so much to take the aggressive role that I can't bring myself to tease her properly.

All that is moot after what happened tonight, however, though it makes the current situation even crazier.

I was standing next to the street lamp five minutes before the appointed time, wearing a sakura-blossom pattern blouse and a skirt that went well with it. At exactly the appointed time, I felt it again. I don't know what power her demon night gives to her gaze, but I believe I could feel it several blocks away and through buildings, if it was directed at me from that distance. I did not turn, however, letting her approach me from behind and wrap her arms around me. After a month of deprivation from any of my usual Secchan fixes... are they fixes? Does that mean I'm addicted? At that moment, I probably would say yes, I am addicted to Secchan. Even now... anyhow... after so long without, I melted into her embrace without complaint, placing my hands over hers around my middle and leaning back as far as I could. I closed my eyes almost immediately, so it came as a suprise when I felt her nibble my earlobe. I've read a few romance novels and manga, and such an action is mentioned as being incredibly erotic. I didn't quite see how a simple nibble on the ear could be so powerful until right then, experiencing it. My breath caught and I felt my knees weaken. In an even more suprising act, Secchan pulled away and slid around me gracefully, grasping one of my hands in one of hers and speaking. It took me a moment to recover from that so-simple action and dispose of my frustration, and only then did I process her words.

"Shall we go?" She had asked, almost smirking at my inability to recover from her charm quickly. Secchan was not naked this time, unfortunately. Wait, what am I saying? Konoka no ecchi. She had on what appeared to be a black kendo outfit, but made of silk and embroidered with one simple dragon in gold-colored thread. I nodded finally, and we began walking, hand in hand. Once I recovered my wits, I moved closer, cradling her arm in mine, at which she smiled. I remembered last month, and inched her sleeve up just enough to feel the fuziness, which didn't seem to be present on her hands. I believe I was wondering about it again, because Secchan looked at me and chuckled, probably at an expression of puzzling. I used this break to initiate a conversation.

"So where are you taking me tonight, Secchan?" I asked innocently.

"It's a suprise, Kono-chan." She replied with that sly smile.

What kinds of food do Uuzoku eat, anyway? I was asking myself. It seems so silly now, but somehow I got the idea that we might be going to a demon resturant that served fresh human. I started sweating a bit until Secchan looked at me with concern in her eyes and my logic reasserted itself, realizing that Secchan wasn't that kind of person, even as a demon. I calmed down and gave her a patented airhead expression of 'I just did something dumb' and she let it go, though I could tell Secchan was curious. All things considered, the restaurant wasn't that bad. We approached the lights of the main part of the district, and I noticed something that had slipped my mind entirely.

"Secchan, shouldn't you hide your wings in public?" I had asked, quite meekly. She smiled and my insides turned to jello before answering.

"I've been here these last two months, after seeing you, and they think my cosplay no stranger than any other." she finished with a grin and a wink, "My ordinary self wouldn't use such a trick, for fear of the clan, but as I am... well, they threw me out without so much as a penny to my name, or would have within the hour if I hadn't been adopted by the Shinmei Ryuu. So, to quote the gaijin; to hell with them." She smiled at me, thinking her phrase clever. I poked her in the stomach with my elbow for trying to act so smooth and she let out a mock cough. We both smiled at that and then Secchan offered her arm and we went on our way. Secchan's wings got less looks than I expected, and we got far more than usual. Only to be expected, since we were walking more closely than usual; two girls holding hands could simply be friends, especially the way I practically dragged Secchan along most times, but arm-in-arm, practically plastered to each-other's sides, most came to the logical conclusion that we were lovers. I thought of that then, and my heart skipped a bit, along with other various embarrasing reactions to the thought. I corrected myself that it wasn't necessarily the case, we could just be in a relationship, though it would still imply that we were headed in that direction. Now, though... the first term's truth is pending. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was distracted, and I'll admit, slightly aroused, so I didn't see the restaurant until Secchan stopped and I nearly dragged her onward before I could stop as well. I managed to center my concentration long enough to look up at the sign, and had to double-take at what it was called. 'Something Vaugely Avian' it read. Not a typical name for anything; I know now that the owner simply hadn't been able to come up with a name that sounded 'vaugely avian' like he wanted, so he'd simply used this strange combination of words. I felt a bit apprehensive after I got over the strangeness of the name, recognizing what was obviously a speciality restaurant and wondering just what they served there. There are a lot of speciality or theme restaurants in Nippon, and some of them can be... interesting, to put it lightly. This one turned out to be slightly less and slightly more interesting than many of the places I've heard about.

Secchan lead me in and the waitress waiting immediately seated us at a table along the large front windows and handed me a menu. Secchan nodded at the waitress and she scribbled down something before asking me what I would be drinking. I asked for green tea and she noted it before smiling at me with an amused look.

"First timer?" She asked Secchan, who nodded with a smirk.

"Hold mine until Kono-chan's is ready, if you wouldn't mind." Secchan said politely, to which the waitress nodded and left with one more amused look in my direction. I admit, I was frightened of opening the menu, suddenly and absurdly afraid of seeing roast human again. But I steeled myself, rolled my eyes at Secchan's smirk and opened the menu. The first thing I saw was confusing at first; dirt. I squinted for a second, and then spotted a large pink worm poking its head out of the soil and my eyes shot open for a number of reasons. Firstly was 'oh gross!', second was a sense of 'Ohhh, I get it now' and I think there were a few others, but I don't remember them now. I gave Secchan a peeved look, but she was impervious to it, grinning at me. I sighed and turned back to the menu, reading over the contents. Live worms in many... ick... flavors, along with some insects which I'm not even going to try to think about. I perked up as I saw various berries and fruit on the second page, glad there was something normal. The third page had various types of other meat, none alive, thankfully, but still strange. Mouse, snake, rabbit, squirrel... well, not so odd for a few hundred years ago, perhaps, but still quite odd to see now. I quickly decided that a fruit salad would be the order of the day, but... I didn't want to insult Secchan by only ordering normal food from a speciality restaurant, but I wasn't too sure about any of it... then I turned the menu over and found the children's and senior's menus, as well as one other note... a few moments later, the waitress returned.

"I'll have a fruit salad and a sampler plate." I said confidently, giving Secchan a victorious look, believing I had handled it far better than she expected me to. She just smirked an 'I know something you don't and it makes your statement funny' smirk. My confidence evaporated with that, but I held a front of it still as the waitress disappeared again. Oh, and she'd put our drinks on the table earlier apparently, though I had been too distracted to notice. To distract myself and try to regain composure, I took a sip of my tea, finding it very well brewed. I'm afraid some of it ended up on the table however, when I noticed that Secchan had red wine, which she was sipping as I nearly choked on my tea. She finished her sip before reaching over and patting me on the back until I could regain my breath.

"Secchan!" I said to her then, whispering, "You aren't supposed to drink until you're twenty! What if a police officer walks by?"

"It's fine." She replied smoothly, "According to the owner of this fine establishment, I'm short and aging well."

"Secchan... I never knew you had connections." I turned back at her, with a false conspirational look. I had by that point decided that she had it figured out, but I was still curious as to how exactly, and thought to evoke a response.

"Watch that tongue of yours, Kono-chan, or I might have to occupy it in other ways." She let the threat hang for a moment as I tried to puzzle out exactly her meaning, blushing at some of the suggestions my mind made, Secchan's expression didn't change from amusement, and she continued, "I have a deal with the owner, and this is a part of it."

"Out of work ornithologist?" I guessed/asked.

"Indeed." She replied, "In return for teaching him how to understand the language of crows, which he can use to return to his favored profession, become rich and famous, etcetera, he will wait to charge my account until after the time is up, so the charges do not alert myself. Among other things." She indicated the wine.

"Time is up... Secchan, what are you planning?" I began. She opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off as something jumped to my mind, "Fuzzy!" I stood and pointed at her as I nearly yelled it. I sat down, blushing as half the restaurant looked at me, luckily sparse tonight. I nearly missed Secchan's stunned look at my sudden exclamation, and it cleared up as soon as I refocused my eyes.

"Ah, back to that, then?" She chuckled, and then extended a hand to me. I took it carefully, feeling the fuziness along the back, but never near her palm or fingers. I brought my face closer and closer, until I could see them... little white hairs? No, that couldn't be right. I deftly withdrew a magnifying glass from my pocket, stored for exactly this purpose, and used it to take an even closer look, ignoring Secchan's snicker. Not hairs, no, finer than that... I moved the glass gently until it finally came into the right focus, revealing... feathers! Tiny white feathers! It makes sense, I suppose; I know that birds use the feathers all over their bodies to detect wind currents and move efficiently, so it just follows that a humanoid with wings would need the same... or at least fly better with their help. I looked higher on her arm to notice them growing slightly longer, imperceptible without the glass. After a moment more of looking, and gently rubbing the back of her hand, feeling the softness... no no, have to move on... I let go and put the glass away, simply giving my smirking date a smile.

"I thought for a moment that you would move further..." Secchan said, in a low voice I would almost call a purr.

"Nope, I'm not as amorous as you seem to be, after all." I replied with a grin. She raised an eyebrow and replied with a sultry tone.

"We'll see about that..." Naturally, that worried me. That moment, which could have turned into an awkward silence, was fortunately broken into by the waitress arriving with our food. I turned a bit green as I noticed Secchan's plate covered with brown, well knowing what was wriggling underneath. I watched, mesmerised, as she lowered one hand to the plate, and very slowly bent her fingers. I heard a crackling noise of sorts, and her fingers suddenly split, excepting the pinky, revealing long, jointed and quite sharp-looking talons. Secchan very delicately moved the talon that had been her forefinger, and the slightly different-angled thumb into her plate of soil and they returned above it in one smooth movement with a fat wriggling nightcrawler. She slurped it down like I would slurp ramen or spaghetti, not even chewing, I think, with a look of deliciousness-spawned rapture, finishing it off with a sly look in my direction.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't know what then, and I still don't. I tried to hide it by taking a bite of something, grabbing without thinking, only to spit it out as I registered the taste. It nearly hit Secchan in the face, but she caught the piece of mouse-meat deftly with her talons like it was a projectile weapon, giggling at me as I tried to gargle the taste out with my tea.

"Not to your tastes, Kono-chan?" she asked with a smirk as I finally got the nasty flavor out of my mouth. Secchan, attempting to throw me off balance a little, I think, popped the piece of meat into her own mouth. It was my turn to giggle when she took a sour expression and had to swallow forcibly.

"Or yours." I replied smartly before we both giggled at the absurdity of the exchange. After that, I watched the plate-key and tasted carefully whenever I took a bite of the meat, eventually deciding that rabbit and squirell were fair, though, oddly, snake took the top of the list. Of course, the salad was good as well, thick with wilder variations of berries and fruit that gave it an exciting taste. We traded simple small-talk as we ate most of the meal, like we have on many-a-date, though Secchan was far more talkative than usual, and didn't blush the few times that innuendo entered the conversation. When the meal was almost over, the conversation turned back to more prominent topics.

"So, is there anything else I should know about you?" I asked at the end of the last conversation thread, indicating her talons which gleamed wickedly, now a bit tarnished from her meal.

"Well, I have this interestingly shaped mole on my..."

"Secchan!" I scolded, anticipating her ecchi comment from the sly tone in her voice. She gave me a falsely innocent grin before speaking more seriously.

"No, I don't believe there is." She finally said, then stopped herself, "Wait... there was one thing, one more difference..."

"What is it?" I leaned foward with anticipation. She motioned me closer, so she could speak directly in my ear.

"Do you remember how I told you that my love for you was the same now as ever?"

Her hot breath in my ear was distracting, but I managed to nod as a cold feeling settled in my gut, fearing what her next words would be. I shouldn't have. And should have, though for different reasons.

"That's not quite true..." The cold feeling turned into frozen frogs on pogo sticks, or that's what it felt like, pounding my freezing insides, "You see, I would have long ago thrown you to the ground and ravished you until you screamed my name with the sun's rising."

If there really were frozen frogs in my stomach, they would've been instantly sublimated by the wave of heat caused by her words, accompanied by cool relief. I 'eep!'ed in shock and sat back in my chair quickly, my subconscious helpfully providing a preview of the event as my more tender sensibilities objected futilely to that line of thought. My suprise was met with a caring smile as Secchan sat back down slowly.

"But I am at a dilemma, you see." She began, the words barely registering to me, "I know that if I were to enact my will in that regard, it would hurt you when I could not remember tomorrow." Her face took on a troubled look as she continued to speak, "Three moons from now, it will be spring, and the choice will be taken from me by instinct... the season of mating is nearly ignored by my other, but for this half, the pressure of it builds and builds until it is over, until my instinct will override my reason and I will seek out the object of my affection... whether they like it or not." I was staring at her downcast face in shock. She would go as far as to rape me in that state? I thought. Not that it would be: you can't rape the willing, after all. Though even then I knew that seeing her the next day, not knowing, never remembering our first time... it would tear at my heart until she found out, and I don't know what would happen then, especially as self-sacrificing as Secchan is... Now that I've had time to think, I'm glad that she's so law-abiding and that Seppuku is against the law. The one strange thing, I think now that I've thought back on it, was that Secchan wasn't telling the whole truth. She can't lie to save her life, even this other half, but she hid it amongst truths well, so I don't know what part was a lie at the moment. But back to then. I couldn't do anything for my shock as she took one of my hands in both of hers, now both covered in skin once again.

"I don't want to do that to you, Kono-chan." she pleaded, almost shedding tears, "There is only one solution, but I fear to ask it of you..." she gathered herself, took a breath, and then looked directly into my eyes, sitting wide still, "You have to give me those memories while I will know them always." Her cryptic way of saying it threw me off for a minute, but my mind pieced together quickly what she was asking me to do.

"You want me to seduce you!?" I exclaimed, shooting to my feet. To my shame, I spoke with enough volume that the entire restaurant heard me, prompting startled looks followed by a garumph or two and a couple of snickers. I blushed hard as I sat back down, attempting to sink into the floor without any luck.

"Yes, Kono-chan... you have to seduce me before I can hurt you." She caught my attention back to the matter at hand.

"But, but..." I stuttered. It's not that I didn't like the idea, but I knew that it would be nigh-impossible to do. Not that Secchan didn't want it, this uninhibited half showed me that, but she would run at the slightest sign of it, her fears overtaking her desires. I continued to stutter for a moment before she spoke again.

"Please, Kono-chan..." I had nothing to say in response; she was asking something I couldn't refuse, didn't want to, but also had strong doubts that I could succeed in.

"I'll... do my best..." I responded shakily, finally.

"Thank you Kono-chan. It puts my mind at ease." She sighed, and kissed the back of my hand before releasing it and sitting back. The sweet gesture threated to melt my heart again, despite my distraction at accepting her request.

"Oh my..." Secchan began after we had sat a moment silently, a sly look gracing her features, "It seems you didn't sample everything on the plate... didn't your mother ever tell you that you should always try new things?" I looked at my plate in confusion at her statement, wonder what she was talking about. It was then that I noticed the lone worm in its section that I had avoided.

"I, um..." I started, trying to come up with an excuse or explanation that would help me get out of trying her own favorite dish, and she seemed to enjoy my discomfort a moment before speaking again.

"Perhaps then, I should share this one with you, for encouragement." So said, Secchan picked it out of its comfortable patch and put it to her lips, slurping it into her mouth but not swallowing, and then she advanced on me, taking my face in her hands. Oddly, it was only when her lips touched mine that I realized what she intended, but resistance was lost before it began. I couldn't stop myself from parting my lips when her tongue gently requested access, and eagerly met her in the middle, reveling in the sensations I had missed since last month. The slimy creature slipped between us quickly, and I barely noticed it as I automatically swallowed. I noticed a bit when my lower half wriggled, trying to escape the odd sensation of a wiggling creature sliding down my gullet, but it didn't distract me from the task at hand, or tongue, rather.

"So?" Secchan asked with a satisfied look as she broke away. I took a moment to catch my breath and try to recall the taste.

"Not bad..." I replied, indeed finding that it wasn't as bad as I imagined, "But... the texture was so wierd. And alive..." I made a shuddering noise, raising a chuckle from Secchan.

"I think it is time we left; you need your sleep for school tomorrow, after all." Secchan suggested, allowing the subject to change. I nodded agreement, and Secchan nodded to who I presume was the owner as we exited the door. We walked slowly, I not wanting the night to end and Secchan being able to sense this. Finally we came to the place, the spot where this other half had always approached me, a street lamp and an alleyway.

"There is one thing I would like to ask, before I send you to bed and return to my own." Secchan said to me, taking my second hand, the first already held, and facing me, "Why is it that you have acted differently this last month? I have not been teased as much as usual, and I know that you enjoy my blush, so why have you not done so?"

"I, uh..." I started, stuttering once again, and blushing shamefully at the reason. I stood for a moment, organizing my thoughts, Secchan patiently waiting, before I finally answered; "Well, I would rather... I would rather that you take the lead in our relationship, and it's... very frustrating to get a taste of it and then return to normal." I turned my face away, only to feel one of my hands released as she turned my face back, allowing me to see those black eyes shining with love and sorrow.

"I am sorry, Kono-chan, that I have caused you this pain, and that I cause you more with what I ask. I hope you will forgive me?" She asked, her voice thick with remorse for what she had done, lilting at the end, the question she hoped was surely to be answered being doubted in her mind.

"Of course, Secchan." I brought my loose hand up to hers, loving the feeling of it on my cheek once again. Her wings swept around us once again, and her lips met mine in a sweet smooch, full of her love for me with none of the naughtiness of the earlier one. I felt like I would melt into a puddle on the spot. She drew away, and we simply gazed into each-other's eyes for a few moments.

I'm going to need to see the dentist for cavities if I keep writing about such sweetness, so I shall move on to what happened next... when the naughtiness of earlier returned, much to my pleasure and eventual dismay.

I saw the sly look return to her eyes, and gulped in mixed fear and anticipation.

"So, Kono-chan, you enjoy me being the dominant one, do you?" I gulped again, afraid of what she would do now along that vein, "I should be possessive then, I suppose?" her psuedo-question did nothing to ease my excited fear.

"Should I say then, that your lips..." She moved foward swiftly, capturing my lips, spearing past them with her tongue and cleaning my molars soundly before withdrawing, giving me no room to retaliate, "belong to me?" I didn't respond, but my heart was pounding like rabbits on a sugar-rush had stolen the pogo-sticks of the vaporized ice frogs.

"Should I say then..." She began, sliding around behind me, her wings still enfolding us, "That your breasts..." she slid both hands slowly across the sides of my hips, across my stomach, and up, to cup my breasts, "belong..." she gently played her fingers over them, barely touching, sending electric shivers through my body, my long-since erect nipples doubling the sensation when touched by the wave, "to..." her fingers touched solidly but gently, slowly drawing a spiral inward, my panting growing louder by the centimeter, "me?" As she said it, she reached my nipples and gently squeezed and twisted. It felt INCREDIBLE! Like lightning, the sensation shot from my nipples to my spine, exploding from there throughout my entire body. I hadn't even orgasmed yet and this was the best I had ever felt in my entire life! My mouth was wide open, panting, and I later discovered, drooling. I think my eyes were about to roll back into my head, the sensation was so overwhelming.

"Should I say then..." She continued, one hand slowly and gently kneading each breast at a time as the other slid down slowly, "That your pussy..." the dirty word only aroused me more as her hand pushed the skirt down in its path, causing it to brush the front of my panties, now soaked beyond all hope of recovery. That first touch was like a spark, igniting a new fire, one I didn't even know I had, that raged immediately into a tempest. My mind was beyond this world by that point, and all I wanted was for my Secchan to continue what she was doing... to rub, to squeeze, to lick, until the fire exploded. "Belongs to..." She continued, reaching under my skirt and gently touching my perenium through my panties with one finger, and then ever-so-slowly drawing it upwards, sliding just to the side of the most sensetive part of my blood-engorged lower lips, teasing, moving up and down slowly there, "me?" She whispered in my ear, nibbling on it again as she finally moved that finger onto the right line, drawing it up quickly and softly brushing my extended clitoris. My entire body tensed, muscles taut as the sensations raced through me, that unique tight feeling of being right on the edge. I knew that any second I would orgasm, release the pressure... but it never happened. Secchan had stopped all movement when my head had tossed backwards onto her shoulder.

"Secchan..." I whined pitifully to her, still not really coherent. She slowly, ever so slowly, made the movement again, but deftly dodged my clitoris, not rubbing that little nub that would finish it off. Her hand at my breast resumed its motion as the hand below slowly, ever-so-slowly teased around the sensetive bud while hitting every other spot, making me shudder every few seconds when she struck a particularly potent one. Her mouth captured mine again, rasvishing it over my shoulder for a few moments before backing away again.

"Perhaps, since they are 'mine' I should give a command to be obeyed, hm?" I couldn't have responded if I wanted to at that point, though if I could have, it would have probably been, to my embarassment now, affirmative.

"Then I shall decree..." She had laughter in her voice, thinking it a fun game, "For encouragement in your task, I decree that you shall not have your way with what is 'mine' until I say otherwise. Worry not, for I shall give you a gift to tide you over for a while."

I must pause for a moment to express my feelings about that, after I returned to coherent thought. AAAAAAAARGH! That's better. Secchan ordering me not to masturbate for a month? I'm not excessively amorous, but I am a healthy girl. One month wouldn't be hard, though I would be fairly tense by the time it was up, except for her next statement...

"It's not as though you are excessively amorous, so I suppose it wouldn't be so difficult. Ah, just the thing. Every time you see me, I want you to remember this moment. Not an order, this, but you will do it anyhow, I guarantee."

TORTURE! Pure torture! I see Secchan every day, and thinking of that every time I see her will have me needing something to hold the flood within a day! I'm doomed. And on top of that...

"Bah!" Setsuna exclaimed comically, stopping her movement to my dismay and releasing me, "Your chaperones are once again here, Kono-chan. I am sorry for leaving you so, but I'm sure you can handle it. See you next month, and good luck." And with that, she disappeared. I stood a moment as my mind fought to return to normal coherency, registering only then that Negi-kun and Asuna were standing next to me, weapons ready, asking me questions. Then it registered what Secchan had just told me to do. I've never seen such shocked looks as were on Negi-kun and Asuna's face as I... well, swore, rather vocally and harshly.

They stopped asking questions as I turned red, apologized curtly and marched off to the dorm to calm myself and write this.

Now that I think of it, those orders weren't any sort of geas, and Secchan, love her as I do, can't command me, so it's not going to be so bad after all. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? Command me not to masturbate, hehe, it's kind of funny now that I think about it.

AN: As I said in the first note, I wrote the second 2/3 of this on the night of the third-quarter-waxed moon. Got me inspired. The Konoka cursing thing still has me giggling... just the image of her suddenly screaming "GOD DAMMIT!" I find so very comical, not to mention the looks on Asuna and Negi's faces.

So, things are heating up! Yeah, I got a little carried away, which is why this is only going on Mediaminer now. Cookies to, let's see... Annoying Assassin, Thirteen Nights-whatever, DarkRai, and Little Wolf 713, Have your cookies!

New challenge, mayhap? Hmmm... Only one thing really to be revealed next chapter, the rest is KonoSetsuness and ordinary story stuff... Why not? Setsuna's demon-half has a fear, a common one, the only thing that shakes her to her bones. Can you figure it out?

Oh, and if you notice any errors, it's because I overloaded Yuki-san on top of Yuki-san's own person load, and then got too impatient to wait for the return of this chapter. I'm re-reading it myself now, but I doubt I'll catch anything.

Seduce Secchan!? What will Konoka do!? Will she succeed, or can she not overcome Setsuna's shyness? Will Demon-Setsuna's mandate move her, or will she give in to the urge? What is Demon-Setsuna hiding?

Next time: "Please, Setsuna, Turn to the Dark Side!" or "Carnival of Luuuuuuuv!"