Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Broken ❯ The Attempt ( Chapter 1 )

Warnings and Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. This fic contains angst, attempted suicide, shounen ai (KakaIru), language (once or twice), alcohol use, a near-death fic (?!)

 

Broken

 

“You're just a quick fuck. You don't mean anything to me or anyone else.” The words of his now ex-lover rang in Iruka's ears as he slowly walked back to his apartment. The Chuunin still couldn't believe that was the way Kakashi really felt. There was just no way…

 

Iruka's feet automatically took him back to his apartment while his mind viciously attacked the Jounin's words and hoped that he had somehow misinterpreted the “Copy Nin.” But he couldn't think of any possible hidden meaning and he couldn't deny that the man who had said the words really was Kakashi, so he had to just take the words at face value. There was no getting around it. Kakashi really had just broken up with him.

 

It was Iruka's first relationship. Ever. No big deal. So what if he hadn't known what his sexual preference was until he responded to Kakashi's teasing voice. So what if Kakashi was the first and only person he'd ever had sex with. So what if Kakashi was the only one he'd ever loved and ever would love. So what if Iruka's heart was not just broken, but torn, shredded, slashed, smashed…

 

It hurt, but Iruka couldn't feel it. An odd sense of numbness was flowing over his entire body. He didn't feel the tears streaming down his cheeks. Didn't feel it when he fell to one knee, ripping his uniform and the skin underneath. He just got back up and continued on. When some punk purposely knocked into him, causing his face and arm to slam into the wall, he ignored the slight itch of blood dripping down his face and kept going.

 

When he got home, he closed the door gently so he wouldn't wake the neighbors at this late hour and immediately went to his kitchen. He opened the liquor cabinet that held a lot of alcohol that was seldom used. He took stock of what he had, shrugged, and took it all out. He counted about 30 different unopened bottles and another 10 that were only slightly used. He decided to have at least a sip of every single bottle.

 

After the first two shots, he already had a buzz. After the next three, he would have fallen if he had tried to get up. After another five, the light glinting off of his kunai's blade was immeasurably fascinating…

 

When he woke up, he was still in the kitchen. He had passed out on his back, arms out to his sides. It was a position he never slept in. He shifted uncomfortably, arms tingling, wanting to go back to sleep, but knowing that he had to report to the mission room for duty…sometime today. He was seriously considering calling in sick, but he couldn't think of any valid excuse. “I just got dumped by my boyfriend and I have a hangover. Can I stay home today, Hokage? My duty to the village is much less important than my own comfort.” Thinking about it for longer than was really required, he discarded the idea and began the slow process of standing up.

 

As soon as he moved, he was assaulted by a smell that he couldn't identify right away, but it left him retching all over the floor anyway. He lay there panting a few minutes, hoping he was done heaving up the little he'd eaten for dinner the night before. His eyes were closed and sweat beaded on his forehead. He turned his head to see how much of a mess he had to clean up and was confused to see more red liquid than grayish semi-solids.

 

There was a pool of blood on his kitchen floor and he was in the center of it.

 

He tried to remember if he'd been injured the night before, perhaps by Kakashi, but nothing in his memory leaped out at him. He couldn't remember past his fifth drink. Discarding the idea that he had vomited that much blood, Iruka started to get up again, pushing against the floor with his forearms. He gasped as pain slammed through him, causing him to fall back to the floor, only half-conscious.

 

When the room stopped spinning, he slowly lifted his arms and stared in dismay at the deep, bloody gashes that covered his forearms, extending from his wrists to his elbows. He got light-headed just looking at them. He put his arms back down and wondered if he should call for help. Then he thought of what had happened the night before. Kakashi had dumped him like a sack of garbage. The one he loved had abandoned him. Brief thoughts of revenge flickered through his mind, but he ignored them.

 

He didn't want to hurt Kakashi back. Well…maybe a little. Maybe the best way to do that would be to act like nothing was wrong. He would go to work and if he saw Kakashi, he would smile. Nothing more. He would pretend he couldn't feel pain. He would laugh if the man made a joke and make sympathetic noises if he was hurt, but he wouldn't show how he really felt.

 

Mind made up, Iruka somehow found the strength to stand and walk slowly to the bathroom, intending to take a shower and wash off the stench of alcohol and blood that clung to him like a second skin. He almost screamed when the water first hit him. The warm water slamming into his wounds brought the forgotten memory of slicing his arms open back to his mind. He felt the same despair that had driven him before and almost dug his nails into the deep cuts to open them more. But he caught himself - told himself to wait and see Kakashi one more time. That's the real reason he wanted to go to work today. Not to hurt Kakashi, but to see him. And if he did, and he left and didn't say anything to Iruka, he would know that it really was over and he would give up. Completely.

 

Happy with his new conviction, Iruka got out of the shower, carefully dried off, and clumsily bandaged his forearms, blood staining them a deep crimson before he was even done wrapping them once. He pulled on his clothes - pants, shirt, vest, socks, shoes. He checked the clock and saw that he would be late if he didn't leave soon. He was out of the door before he realized that he didn't have his hitai-ate. He started to run back in, but instantly regretted it when he felt like throwing up again. He slowed down and calmly got his forehead protector, carefully tying it on, not even realizing that he hadn't put his hair up. He took a deep breath, walked to the door slowly, closed it behind him, and started the short walk to work.

 

In the mission room…

 

When Iruka walked in at 12:01 for his 12:00 shift, hair down, clothes dirty, hitai-ate crooked, bags under his eyes, the scar across his nose dark on his pale face, no one said anything about it. To him anyway. They were busy whispering to their friends about how they were glad Iruka was finally loosening up. For once he wasn't an hour early, hair shiny and bouncy in his fresh ponytail, clothes ironed and smelling of cinnamon. He looked dirty and tired and like he didn't want to be there. `It's about time' is what they said.

 

Iruka didn't hear the whispers around him. The blissful numbness of the previous night was coming back and he was riding on waves of adrenaline as his body tried to keep him going. He walked slowly to his desk, stumbling slightly and falling gracelessly into his chair. He straightened himself up as much as he could and looked up to see if there was anyone waiting to receive a mission or turn in a mission report. Seeing no one, he put his head down on the desk and waited for someone to come to him.

 

It was a slow day. Sundays usually were. Nobody needed Iruka for anything, so he just kept his head down, eyes half-open as he watched the door. The door opened a few times to admit people wanting to talk to other people working the desk, but he just kept staring at the door. No one talked to Iruka or asked him how he was for three hours.

 

But a second before the clock struck 3:30, Iruka sat up suddenly and straightened himself up. The other ninja in the room looked up curiously, but didn't say anything. A second after he was done, the door opened and a group of Jounin came in, led by Hatake Kakashi.

 

Iruka was suddenly all smiles and acted like he hadn't just lain on his desk for three hours, staring into space.

 

Kakashi was talking to some of the people he had come in with, but his one visible eye was scanning the room. It stopped when he saw Iruka sitting there, face pale and worn-looking, fake smile plastered on his face. He paused mid-sentence, but then kept going, eye scanning the room once more, but coming to rest on the Chuunin quite often. At one point, he put a hand to his hitai-ate, as if he was contemplating revealing the Sharingan eye, but decided against it. When Kakashi was done talking to the other ninja, he briefly considered talking to Iruka, maybe teasing him a little. Or maybe even apologizing. But for some reason, he didn't think he could stand to be in the same room with the disheveled and broken man. So he left.

 

As soon as Kakashi walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him softly, Iruka slammed his fists on the table, causing many of the ninja in the room to jump at the unexpected noise. Iruka then surged to his feet, immediately regretting it as nausea assaulted him at the sudden movement. He clamped his hands to his mouth right before the buzzing in his ears started.

 

The slight hum soon became a dull roar, the blood rushing in his ears masking the concerned questions of the other ninja in the room. He didn't even hear Kakashi and the other people running back to see what the commotion was. By the time the door slammed open revealing Kakashi, Sharingan exposed, the slight lightening of Iruka's vision had become a blinding white and the Chuunin was falling face-first onto the desk. Kakashi only saw his ex-lover's paling features for a split-second before the man fell. His face was turned slightly toward the wall, one arm curled toward his abdomen, while the other dangled off of the desk, offering a small glimpse of white and brown cloth under his shirt. A few precious crimson drops fell quietly to the ground after rolling down his fingers before the weight of the Chuunin's long legs pulled him backwards and sent him crashing to the floor behind the table.

 

Documents splattered and smeared with blood fluttered to the ground soon after.

 

When he regained consciousness, Iruka saw a circle of familiar faces hovering over him. One in particular caught his attention - Kakashi. Knowing that he was watching intently, Iruka used a shaking hand to pull a kunai out of his vest and cut the sleeve of his shirt to reveal the bloodied bandages. Reveling in the shocked expressions and protestations of the other ninja, Iruka kept his eyes on Kakashi as he sliced the bandages off, revealing deep, bloody furrows in his arms. He summoned a grin from a dark place deep inside himself and smiled broadly at the famous “Copy Nin.” Making sure he was still watching, he slammed the kunai into his left wrist. Iruka didn't feel Kakashi pulling him close to his chest. Didn't hear the man's anguished moan of pain and denial. Iruka didn't see the tears flowing from both of Kakashi's eyes as he sank gratefully into the darkness that rushed up to swallow him.

 

TBC?

 

Author's Note: Please review and tell me if you want me to continue! I could just leave it like this… but I'm not entirely happy with it. I might change some stuff and add other stuff…or not.

 

If I continue, the next chapter is gonna tell Kakashi's side of the story. I might let Iruka live if you review. Mwahahahaha!

 

But on a more serious note, I feel really bad for doing that to Iruka!

 

My original idea was to make this a non-KakaIru fic. I was gonna have someone find Iruka bleeding on the floor of his apt. with the door wide open (he was late for work and the Hokage sent someone to check on him.) The reason he tried to kill himself in that one was because Naruto told him to leave him alone and let him grow up. But I just couldn't get into that one as much - some ideas I had just wouldn't fit, so it became what it is now. He was definitely gonna live in that one, but I'm not so sure about this one. Maybe Kakashi deserves it for what he said about my Iruka!