Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Dirty Dialouges ❯ The Great Sarutobi Bridge ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, or any of its locations. These factors belong to the genius, Masashi Kishimoto.

 

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Tasuna watched as the four Konoha nin began to walk away; leaving the somber remains of the bloody fighting behind. A warm smile spread across his face as he eyed Naruto. “That boy fought for the hope and revival of this village. So what should we name the bridge he helped to defend?” He raised his gaze to the rising sun. “I can think of no better title than… the Great Naruto Bridge.” Suddenly, the scene froze, as though it was a movie and someone had pressed pause. `eeeeruup.' (pausing sound)

A short graying old man stepped in front of the dormant scene. He adjusted his pointed hat while clearing his throat professionally. “Actually, a far superior name would have been the Great Sarutobi Bridge.” Upon finishing his sentence, a taller, black-haired pale man entered the scene. “But Sarutobi-sensei, you didn't do jack-shit to protect that bridge. Why should it be named after you, old fart?” Sarutobi's now angry features deepened his already deep wrinkles. “I'm the Hokage, damn it! You don't come all the way to my office just to insult me! Now you get no cookies.” Orochimaru frowned in disappointment. “Hey, wait a minute. I baked those cookies myself!” The third Hokage was now holding an enormous plate of cookies.

Sarutobi issued a wicked grin. “And now I will eat these cookies myself.” Orochimaru dashed towards him. “Oh no you won't!” In the blink of an eye, Sarutobi had cut off both of the snake man's arms with a sword that hadn't been there earlier. “What the hell?! What'd you do that for?! All I wanted were some damn cookies!” Orochimaru's pitch grew higher with each sentence. The third Hokage sheathed his sword, grinning widely. “Well, now you definitely don't get any cookies. You cuss like an Akatsuki sailor. Besides, you wouldn't be able to grab one now anyways.” “Damn you old man! I still have my tongue, you know.” Sarutobi sighed as he waved his free hand. (The other hand was holding the cookie plate) “Now, now Orochimaru, calm down and I'll give you a cookie.”

He picked up a rather large and hard cookie while setting the plate down on his desk. He held it out to Orochimaru while secretly pulling his pants out to the side with the other hand. “Here you go… whoops.” His hand holding the cookie loosened its grip suddenly over his out-stretched pants. “Nooooooooooooooo!” Orochimaru screamed as the cookie landed between Sarutobi's crusty, old butt-cheeks. The third Hokage put on a look of pure innocence as his pants snapped back. “Oh, clumsy me. Let me get that for you.” He began doing some seductive dance while squishing his cheeks together. After a full ten minutes had gone by, Sarutobi finally fished out the abused cookie. (However, `abused' was an understatement) He held out the bits to the horrified snake man. “Eat up.” Orochimaru's frown deepened further than ever before. “Hell no, old man! You're acting like a child!” Sarutobi's issued the peace sign while sticking out his tongue. “No, you're acting like a child… molester.”

Hatching an evil idea, Sarutobi pulled out a small picture of Sasuke. Placing it upon the pile of cookie bits, he asked, “How about now?” The snake man's eyes glimmered. “That changes everything!” His tongue shot forward and wrapped around the cookie bits. He chewed them in grimace mixed with severe regret. “Ewww, it tastes like old ass-cheeks.” Sarutobi laughed heartily as Orochimaru proceeded to vomit upon the floor. “I love being Hokage. Too bad you never got that chance.” The snake man's face grew sad. “That was the one dream I had and you took it from me. What's it like being Hokage, anyway?”

The third Hokage puffed his wrinkled chest proudly. “It's the best! I get to drink coffee, sit on my fat ass, and watch Anko go to the bathroom.” Orochimaru looked as though he'd vomit once more. “You nasty sicko, she's a girl!” With a mighty kick, he brought his left foot between Sarutobi's legs. “Oooohaahh!” He screamed as a mushy, smelly lump appeared below his buttocks. “Damn you Orochimaru; you made me go toot-toot. Now change me!” The snake man was even more shocked than ever before. “What!? You wear diapers?” The third Hokage nodded. “Of course; anyone over 70 wears diapers. So change me now!” Orochimaru snorted. “With what, my tongue!? You'd like that wouldn't you, you sick bastard?!” Sarutobi nodded.

To be continued…