Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Gentle Lesson: The Restoration of the Hatake ❯ Hard to Remember ( Chapter 6 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Hard to Remember

The morning rose cheerily on the village but not on Kakashi. The silver-haired ninja didn't stir - hiding away from the eye of the sun - he hadn't been out for a walk in Konoha for an age.

He didn't want to see their eyes - their questioning eyes.

Hell.

He didn't want to - He didn't want to face their questions.

Those questions.

“How's it going?”

“Where've you been?”

“What've you been doing?”

“Aren't you just like your father?”

He hated those.

How can I answer them?

When I can't even answer myself?

So he relaxed and slept in very late - late enough to piss Kore off.

The bastard can wait - four hours…. Ch.

He fell asleep again - five minutes later, while staring at his Team 7 photograph. The dark eyes of his little Uchiha warrior. The electric blue of the surprising Naruto. And the serene green of Sakura, hiding a fiery temper.

Those two years hadn't been so bad, if he remembered correctly. Sakura had been kind to him - when he felt he had not deserved it…. For the first time, he had given her the real attention she had needed - sort of… He hoped - as he fell asleep - that time had been kind to her - as it had not been for him.

Even now, her soft voice fell into his dreams.

“You shouldn't keep running away from things.”

He said: “Anyway… it's none of your business.”

Her face fell at his sharp tone, while he ran his fingers in frustration through his grey hair, spiking it more wildly than usual.

“Sorry. What I mean to say is…. I'm happy….”

“Happy?”

“…….”

“You sure?”

“…. Yeah…..”

A pause.

“I've got you now… and Naruto…. And when we bring Sasuke back, we'll have him….”

“We're friends?” asked Sakura.

“Ummm… yeah… I guess….”

“But you never told us anything about you - nothing! Not even after you revealed your Sharingan… nothing…..remember the first day we met you? We asked you what your hobbies, dreams, likes and dislikes were and you just - avoided it. Like you always do. Friends don't do that. Unless you've got something to hide?”

Kakashi stared away over the town.

Sakura went on.

“We don't know where you live. Or what your face is like. Or how you got your Sharingan. Or what you were like as a kid. Or your family….” She sighed deep from her heart. “Never mind. I guess old habits die hard.”

“Yeah. I'm pretty….”

“Perhaps it's just as well that Team 7…” Kakashi didn't finish. “Maybe a new sensei would -“

Sakura glared at him and he fell silent.

“No one else is weird enough.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her.

“No one else is good enough.” She smiled. “You once said to us that we were your proud team.”

“I know that you're our proud sensei.”

And then - another memory.

“Yes. I hope you do well. I know you will do well. I know I sometimes don't sound like it but I have faith in you. Did I not always say that you use your chakra more efficiently than most genins?”

Sakura.

“Sakura.”

“Iruka?”

Sakura jolted out of her thoughts suddenly at the sound of Iruka's voice.

“Have you seen Tsume-san's file anywhere?”

“Mmmmm…. Did you check your inbox?”

A pause.

“Oh. Right. Thanks.”

Sakura smiled brightly at her old Academy sensei.

It's hard to believe - hard to remember - how long ago it has been since I first graduated out of his class… I was - that was eleven years ago? When I was - eh - much younger - innocent - stupid…. Twelve….

Sakura fingered one of the many scars she had received during the war. This one -

A great blade slashing down, cutting open her bicep - the pain and the blood -

Young and innocent no longer, eh, Sakura - but still - although worse for the wear, things have been okay….

She could still hear Iruka-sensei's voice in her head as smoke dissappated from her banished bunshins during her graduating exam.

“YOU PASS!”

And that had been the beginning - the first step onto a wide road which would carry her through pain and suffering and loss - and to Sasuke and Naruto and all those she called friend today.

And later on, by Naruto's side - the blonde idiot tied to the post, their sense leaning forward - hands on his slim hips - his grey hair as insane as usual.

Kakashi.

Hatake Kakashi.

Damn.

“Sakura!.... Sakura?”

The pink-haired medic jolted to attention at the sound of Iruka's voice.

“Sakura! You okay?”

“Yeah…”

“You looked -“
”I just remembered sensei -“

“Ehhh -?”
Iruka blinked blankly.

“My sensei - Kakashi -“

“Kakashi….”

Iruka blinked again.

And they stood there in a thoughtful silence.

“Is he -?” Iruka stopped.

Sakura's eyes dropped.

“I don't know. Kind of embarrassing that I don't know -“

They couldn't verbalize anything in that moment.

“I didn't see his name on any of the death rolls -“

`And we all know how comprehensive they can be,” Sakura said with quiet sarcasm.

The list of the dead was quite small but the missing-nin list was pretty long. Certainty was impossible. Many had resurfaced in various parts of the country - beaten, bruised, scarred - forever changed. But still alive.

But there were some still to be accounted for.

Chouji's father.

Iwashi.

Ino's sister.

Shikamaru's cousin.

Those were the two she knew sort of distantly. She had thought all of her loved ones to be safe.

And Kakashi….

She didn't know. Her security had evaporated in just a few seconds.

Where had he gone? Where was he during the war?

She wondered.

Behind the awning, on a stool, staring at her bowl of ramen - she still wondered.

How could they have forgotten him - the quirky, serious, funny, strong and mysterious man - for they had forgotten.

Even now - Sasuke on her left, Naruto on her right - they had forgotten.

Sakura's eyes filled with tears.

“Thanks a lot, Kakashi-sensei.”

She turned.

“Sakura.”

“Yes?”

“I'm - sorry.”

There was a pause.

“I'm - sorry that - I couldn't -“

Sakura turned around, a genuine smile on her face.

“No, that's fine. What better teacher could I have than Tsunade? If Naruto's being taught by Jiraiya and Sasuke by Orochimaru I better be on the top of my form too! I like you, sensei, but your face is always one that is lacking enthusiasm….”

She giggled and then stopped.

“Who's teaching you?”

Kakashi stared. Then smiled.

“My father, I guess.”

Then, nodding farewell, he walked down the street.

“Good luck, Kakashi-sensei!”

She called.

He waved back nonchalantly and then turned the corner.

Yes. I hope you do well. I know you will do well. I know I sometimes don't sound like it but I have faith in you

I have faith in you.

Sakura.

“SAKURA!”

Sakura jumped and whacked the blonde.

“YOU IDIOT, KITSUNE!”

“But, Sakura-chan!” whimpered Naruto rubbing his head melodramatically.

“I was thinking, baka! Don't you know what that means?”

Sasuke snorted.

“As if he knows what THAT is…”
But the dark-haired Uchiha's voice was fond.

“SASUKE-TEME!!!!”

Naruto started to beat on his black-haired partner. Sakura shoved them apart.

How could I have missed him?

Suddenly she was back - oh - way back when they were so young - so immature - so lost - and with no sense of teamwork.

His only gift to them.

Naruto and Sasuke racing towards each other - Sasuke with the chidori chirping - sparking - in his hand - the lethal lightning sword arm invented by Konoha's number one tensai technician nin. And Naruto - a blue ball of chakra in his hand - the gift of the great pervert Sannin, Jiraiya.

And they couldn't stop. As unstoppable as time.

And she -

She in her weakness couldn't stop

she couldn't stop them -

she couldn't stop herself -

just as they were set on a path, she ran in between them

just so they would stop

suddenly, it wasn't so funny.

Damn - the boys, thought.

And then two strong arms shot out and swung them around - whirling them away.

And she was safe.

I'm safe.

Don't worry, Sakura!

Eyes crinkling into a crescent from a hidden smile.

“Sakura. You all right - you seem - out of it -“

“And you aren't?” asked Sasuke with a grin but his eyes were worried. “ARE you okay, Sakura?”
Sakura sighed. “I was just thinking.”

“Of what - of what?” asked the constantly hyper blonde.

“Of that time when you guys were always fighting - when you fought on the roof and I - couldn't stop you guys - but he did - and we forgot all he did for us….”

“Ehhh????”

Naruto's so clueless…. And on this thought, Sasuke froze, staring at his steaming ramen, half-eaten.

“Kakashi-sensei,” he said softly.

“Kakashi….” Naruto's eyes widened in shock.

His blue eyes soft in rememberance.

“Kakashi-sensei….”

A pause.

Silence.

“Fuck.”

Another pause.

“How could I forget?”

Sasuke glared at his ramen bowl, agreeing with Naruto.

How could I forget the man who worked so hard to bring me back?

Iruka found them still there - an hour later, staring morosely at their ramen bowls.

“What's up?”

Silence.

Iruka stared. All day, his co-worker had been silent - something odd for a normally cheerful Sakura. He had thought it was a phase but now -

Was it spreading? Is it about -?

The number one hyperactive ninja of Konoha stirred first. Slamming his hand down in determination onto the ramen's nicked counter, rattling the stone cold bowls of soup.

“We'll just have to find him! No problem for the man to be Hokage!”

Sakura and Sasuke jolted out of their dark thoughts and stared blankly at Naruto.

The pause was epic and the moment was heroic.

“But - FIRST!” Naruto exclaimed. “Ramen! Three new bowls, sir! Straight up!” Iruka, Sasuke and Sakura rolled their eyes.

When they arrived at the Hokage's newly renovated office, they found the blonde, busty woman glaring at several pages in a slim file.

They aren't so bad… might last a little while longer….

Kakashi musing on the two newbies felt that now familiar twist in his gut. He turned his mind quickly away - and remembered another equally depressing moment.

He was writing his annual psychological disorder test. He had been extra careful, this time around. The day before, he had spent almost all of his time behind locked doors, nesting in his bed, relaxing the mind.

And he had made a trip to the memorial - very early in the morning - before anybody else - when the birds were just starting to chirp sleepily - the sky just beginning to lighten - the air cold and general dampness everywhere.

The next day, he arrived on time for his test - completely rested in body and with a thick protective cover of serenity - and Obito - over his mind.

Although his ivory mask had been laid aside, Kakashi felt as if he were another - it wasn't him. He wasn't who he was - at least for the length of the test.

It was a mantra he kept in mind - repetitively - over and over and over again.

It isn't me.

He thought it every time he killed someone.

It isn't me.

He had thought it - at all those funerals - when it was so damn hard to follow the ninja rule #25.

It isn't me.

He had successfully used it - all those years he had hid in ANBU - before the kage dragged him out of the squad.

It isn't me.

And now he answered them - the probing panel asking uncomfortable questions - and wrote the test afterwards with great aplomb.

After all, he had - at the age of fourteen - been one of the first to write the essay. Ibiki had been there, too. Taking it with him.

And now, Ibiki, was one of the examiners.

Kakashi pushed any stress away.

It wasn't me.

Solidly he looked at the paint splotches and wrote, `flowers', `sun', `couple kissing' and `dog'. The right answers just wrote themselves as if guided by the Sharingan.

It was so easy. It was a farce.

After all - he had written it countless times before.

But Ibiki's presence….

Did - was the Hokage trying to get him out?

Again?

It seemed like only yesterday that he was taking this same test - twelve years ago….

The scritch-scritching of pen on the papers in the room, seemed to overwhelm the young Kakashi.

His raw nerves - it had been a late night - flinching from the oppressive stars of Ibiki's interrogation team.

An unranked mission, chasing three S-class criminals, a chase which had just ended at three in the morning with a brutal, ugly fight -

And he didn't know who had been in the right.

The three kunoichi - or me?

He could feel the eyes watching him - preying on his keyed up mind - but somehow he managed to finish till the last page. He stared at the large mirror which took up one side of the room, ostentatiously.

Who's behind the mirror, I wonder?

He breathlessly awaited the results. Standing at attention in the hallway. The door opened - and Ibiki came down the hall - his tread heavy, his great coat flapping ominously.

Kakashi saw a black crow - what?

He blinked.

It was only Ibiki with a solemn look on his face.

Ibiki gave ANBU Hound a once over, noticing the tense stance. His dark eyes missed little. Kakashi glared back, hiding uncertainty.

What does he see?

Ibiki's eyes didn't miss much. He saw a young man - twenty years old???? - tense - coiled - a hunter ready to strike - wiry, tough, slim - a white-haired warrior. Ibiki didn't see a man - he saw a wolf hound at bay.

And yet - ANBU Hound's eyes were dark and unfathomable. Like some sort of black well - hiding secrets, hiding thoughts, hiding emotions - hiding the truth.

Ibiki hated secrets.

“You passed, ANBU,” Ibiki said dryly, choking over the formality.

There was much unspoken.

He wanted to say other things, but Kakashi's aloof stance didn't allow for any familiarity. It was hard to remember how much younger Kakashi was compared to him….

Ibiki wanted to say….

“You shouldn't be here.”

“The Hokage isn't pleased.”

He said instead, “Good luck, shinobi.”

Years later, looking at Yukio grading the reports, Kakashi remembered the look on Ibiki's face - a look mirrored just a few days ago.

Kakashi turned and stared at the boughs of green scraping mournfully at the glad of the ANBU common room's only window.

What was it? Pain? No. Horror, more like.

Against all odds, he had passed the test yet again, as he had so many years ago, over and over again.

But a part of him wondered.

A part of him wondered whether today - one of these days - the Hokage would come down the hallway - instead of Ibiki - and it wouldn't be Ibiki saying “You passed, ANBU - good luck, shinobi” with all the accompanying undertones. It would be the kage to say, “You are released from service, Kakashi. I know - I know - but this is best for you.”

A pair of strong, scarred hands wrapped around his waist and a pair of hot lips pressed against his clothed neck.

One minute Kakashi was filling out his report, the next Yuko was pummeled against the wall, dodging a flying table.

“Don't ever touch me again, fucking bastard!” snarled Kakashi, his dark eye feral, his red Sharingan spinning dangerously.

“What?” Yukio snickered. “You didn't enjoy last night - bitch?”
Kakashi's fist buried itself in Yukio's belly, and the man coughed out blood.

“Fuck!” Yukio gasped.

Kakashi's lips turned up in a parody of a smile.

“That's for last night,” he said.

And then slammed his teammate twice as hard against the wall with added chakra within his fists. His knee followed in tandem, past Yukio's hands to bury itself in his - teammate's? - this wasn't a teammate - enemy's groin.

Kakashi pulled back only slightly to add impact to his following fist - thunk! - Yukio's head whapped into the wall, his eye darkening with a large bruise, CRACK! As Kakashi broke his teammate's nose, Yukio's bruised lips drew back in a twisted grin.

He deserved this.

Falling to the floor bonelessly, watching Kakashi's feet pull away, he savoured the moment.

He deserved this.

He welcomed the dark.

It took Takana, Neko and four other ANBU operatives to drag Kakashi away - before he kicked his partner to death.

On the one hand they felt sympathy for the white-haired Hound. Yukio WAS a bastard. But…. Hatake-sama had never reacted like this before…. It was unheard of. And just after passing an exam with flying colors!

They hated the not knowing.

Ibiki found Kakashi alone in a waiting room glaring at the wall, fists clenched, muscles tensed - coiled and ready - like a rabid dog - for a fight.

It was only two - three? - days ago, he had met this man in the hallway -

bearing (in Ibiki's point of view) unfortunate news - “You passed, shinobi, good luck.”

Inside - he had bottled the words.

“You shouldn't be here.”

“The Hokage isn't pleased.”

This wasn't the Sondaime - it was the Godaime, now. And the tensions of war - like before - between Leaf and Rock - had ended but unfortunately, the effects of the war between Leaf and Sound had been just as debilitating.

Staticians - stats - had won the day and Tsunade had surrendered. Temporarily. To be sure.

Kakashi would stay.

Ibiki knew, though - looking at the simmering white-haired shinobi before him -

Ibiki knew that Kakashi's ANBU days were now counted.

It was only a matter of time. It didn't matter that the Copy Nin had successfully passed - faked his way through - the psychoanalysis exams.

The words popped out then - unchangeable and lost to the wind. Like pearls.

“You shouldn't be here,” the scarred Jounin examiner said - trying to soften his raspy voice.

Kakashi knew what he was doing. He knew Kakashi knew what he was doing.

“Kakashi….”

His movements were slow and deliberate - meant not to excite. A hand brushed across Kakashi's bare shoulder.

The ANBU swirl.

Hard fingers flung his away. Ibiki nearly reeled from the force of the following blow to his shoulder.

“Don't. Fucking. Touch. Me.”

Ibiki stood firm as wave upon wave of killing intent hit him.

“You need help, Hatake,” Ibiki said.

Kakashi didn't respond.

“ANBU!” Ibiki barked.

Kakashi looked up.

“Look at you. Do you even know who you are?” Ibiki asked, dark eyes mesmerizing.

“It's none of your business.”

Kakashi's twitching jaw stilled as a mask descended over his face - more obscure then his fabric one.

“Do you even know what you're fighting for?” Ibiki asked, pity clearly in his eyes. Kakashi's eyes turned away.

“Of course. What kind of question is that? I fight for the Leaf - I've been doing that ALL my life!”

Ibiki looked down.

All his life - that is true. Tragic. All his life - until he had no life of his own.

“Anyway - what right have you to - to say anything?” Kakashi continued on - trying hard to keep his voice neutral.

Ninja Rule 25.

A shinobi must not show emotion.

A man bearing down on him onto the chidori.

Ninja Rule 25.

A little girl with blue lips in her truckle bed.

Ninja Rule 25.

Sasuke leaving.

Ninja Rule 25.

The Yondaime gone in a white flash.

Ninja Rule 25.

Rin's funereal.

Ninja Rule 25.

Obito under a rock.

Ninja Rule 25.

His father lying in his study - a tanto in his guts.

Ninja Rule 25.

His mother's grave.

Mother.

“You know nothing. You can never know -“ Kakashi stopped.

But for once - in a flash - his eyes said it all. Then dark shrouded them. Ibiki knew just one iota - and suddenly didn't want to know more.

“You know nothing,” masked lips breathed again into the suddenly still air.

When Ibiki looked up, Kakashi was gone.