Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Hidden Villages ❯ The Bad Joke of Life part 1 ( Chapter 17 )

“There is a monster in all of us; some are just more monstrous than others.” –Doctor Juubei Kentoko, the legendary killer of Paradiseo


The Bad Joke of Life part 1

Kuroudo caught Schwartz Wald by his gapping jaws as the jackal leapt at him. With all of his might Kuroudo pried those jaws open and ripped the deformed head of Schwartz Wald in half, killing the shoulder-born abomination instantaneously. Kuroudo stood, cracking his knuckles panting; he’d been fending off the increasingly more powerful attacks of Juubei for far too long, he needed to get back on the offensive or he was done for. Kuroudo was covered in hundreds of bleeding wounds and was visually exhausted but he sensed that he was winning, he was forcing Juubei into a corner and all he had to do was continue punishing him.

Kuroudo rushed forward, his experience and instinct told him one thing about how to win a battle; attack. If attacking didn’t work attack some more, no matter how badly you are outnumbered the best course of action to remedy the situation was to take the fight to your enemy, keep him at least off balance and the second most important thing in a fight was that if you had allies know where they are and stick together. Humans are like any predator, they pick off lone wolves or anyone who strays too far from the pack; but also like any predator they will often back down if you strike back and stand your ground. Kuroudo saw enough men who panicked and tried to run during the war get shot the moment they turned their back to the enemy. Running away is suicide; if you’re going to run it’s best to do so towards your enemy with a bayonet on your rifle. And if you advance towards where you think an ambush is the enemy will attack you, but if you’re prepared for it an ambush has lost its surprise and is more easily overcome; and you just got the enemy to reveal his position.

Juubei did exactly as Kuroudo expected, he launched from the ground and swung a right hook at Kuroudo’s head. Not one given to defense, Kuroudo didn’t bother to block the swing, opting instead to punch Juubei himself. They both slugged each other in the face; Kuroudo could hear the bones in Juubei’s face breaking but was undeterred, he launched another fury of blows.

Juubei did the same and their bodies took punishment beyond the comprehension of anyone but themselves. With each punch they forced each other to the very brink of existence, laying their very souls to bare as their physical bodies struggled fourth in agony. Juubei felt the pain he thought he’d escaped many years ago once again; and he felt a joy that he thought had escaped him as well. He cupped his hands together and slammed both fists onto Kuroudo’s neck with all the force he could muster.

Kuroudo’s vision doubled as the pain rocketed throughout his body, but he did not yield; instead he continued slugging Juubei. He brought his battered paw back and with all his might and will power he swung that battered fist into Juubei’s face.

“Ryu-Ken ryuu*, double layered dragon fist!” Kuroudo howled as he felt the blow connect; the impact was severe, destroying Juubei’s face but the monster’s head continued to heal and Juubei returned the favor to Kuroudo by dealing an equally powerful blow to the fox’s face and sent him reeling through a building which collapsed on top of him.

“Are you done fox?” Juubei said with a chuckle as he stalked forward but stopped when he saw a shadow descending upon him; whoever it was had their arm cocked back to punch.

“YOU’RE MINE!!!” Tsunade screamed triumphantly as she connected with all her force to Juubei’s face and she smiled when she heard the telltale crunching of bone; but her smile quickly faded when she realized it was her bones that were breaking, not Juubei’s. Tsunade’s eyes widened as she felt her hand break against Juubei’s face. This can’t be happening, this isn’t even remotely possible!

“Much different then what you’re used to isn’t it,” Juubei calmly said as he grabbed Tsunade’s outstretched arm and broke the bones; causing Tsunade to howl in pain. Juubei looked to be a devil as he then slugged Tsunade across her shocked face and sent her rocketing down the decimated street. Calmly Juubei chuckled at Tsunade’s crumpled form, “I’m a different breed than what you little main land ninja are used too. I’m just too much for you to handle, aren’t I lady Hokage?”

“Rasengan!” Naruto (finally making an appearance) howled as he rushed underneath Juubei’s guard and thrust the rapidly rotating sphere into Juubei’s gut. Naruto smiled wide but it quickly faded as he watched in horror; Juubei anchored his feet in the ground and grabbed Naruto’s arm. Juubei used the additional torque he got from the Rasengan’s own rotation to twist Naruto’s arm violently; breaking the bones, dislocating the shoulder and then Juubei forced Naruto’s own Rasengan into his own gut. As Naruto felt the unbelievable pain and shame from having his own ultimate technique used against him Juubei punted the writhing young ninja into the sky.

Sakura made a valiant and ultimately useless rush at Juubei as he kicked the tangled mess that was Naruto into the sky but Juubei merely and rather nonchalantly kicked Sakura in the stomach while not even taking his eye off Naruto. Sakura vomited as she felt her guts be forced against her spine; this Juubei was unlike anything else she’d ever even dared dream of fighting. He was too powerful, too experienced and far too skilled to take on; it was suicide and there couldn’t possibly be anything that could stand in the way of Juubei. Before Sakura lost consciousness she saw Juubei catch the brutalized Naruto.

“Revel in it,” Juubei said with an eerie drawl to his brutal voice as he looked cruelly into Naruto’s barely conscious eyes, even with his mask on Naruto could tell that the beast was smiling ear to ear. Juubei’s voice dropped to a more serious tone, “revel in the pain, boy. Let it become you, don’t you feel it? That undeniable high one feels while struggling for their life, that insatiable hunger for more strength?”

“You… freak…” Naruto managed to rasp out before Juubei tossed him casually to the side, like he was just throwing a towel into a laundry basket. Juubei took a quick scan of the area, there’d only been three Konoha ninja brave enough to try (and fail) to down him. It was sad really, he’d heard such high praise of Konoha ninja but it seemed it was ill deserved.

“Stupid interruptions,” Kuroudo said as he slugged Juubei across the face with a sickening crunch as Juubei teetered and Kuroudo delivered another powerful blow, to the beast’s stomach this time and Juubei grabbed Kuroudo’s arms. But the fox was ready for this; he gripped onto Juubei’s hands and crushed Juubei’s battered fists and twisted his arms; breaking the bones and forcing Juubei to his knees in the same motion. Now at head height with Kuroudo, the fox wasted no time; he slammed his forehead into Juubei’s noise with all his might.

Tsunade couldn’t believe what she saw; the same beast that she couldn’t even hit without breaking her hand was being so easily forced to the ground by this Kuroudo character. Then she watched with even more amazement as Kuroudo brought his head up and she saw a thick, gooey line of blood coming from Juubei’s shattered face, and blood poured from Kuroudo’s mouth. Tsunade saw that Juubei’s arms and hands were also bleeding and she could only stare in amazement at the battle before her eyes; it was a true death match between monsters.


“Momoko…” Temari woke up to find her body awash in pain, she saw that she’d been pretty much stripped and that Momoko was rubbing creams and wrapping bandages around her torso. Temari’s head was fuzzy and her vision blotchy; she spoke with a shaky voice, “Where’s Kuroudo? Is he still fighting, Juubei?”

“Yes, Kuroudo is still fighting Juubei.” Momoko said with a coo as she kissed Temari on the forehead, “please you need to save your strength; you got banged up really bad out there and I’m trying to patch you up, okay?”

“I’m afraid,” Temari placed her hand against her stomach, “Momoko, I’m not dying, am I?”

“No, you’re in a lot of pain but luckily you’re out of the line of fire and I patched you up nice and quick so, although you might not feel like it you’ll live,” Momoko said as she gently caressed Temari’s face and smiled, “trust me, okay? I’ve seen worse.”

“Momoko,” Temari weakly said as she gently moved her head around in her lover’s lap, “I think… I think I’m pregnant.”

“Don’t worry about that right now, okay?” Momoko said as she kissed her again, “Just hold on, soon the medical corps will be able to get to us and you’ll be in a nice hospital bed. Don’t worry about Kuroudo, he’ll defeat Juubei and come back to us.”

“They’re fighting with more than physical blows,” Temari said as sleep started to set in again, “their conflict is one of ideals. They’re fighting on both a physical and philosophical level; their battle cannot be won with fists alone.”

“Just rest,” Momoko said as she gently rubbed Temari’s messy hair as she fell asleep. Momoko continued to massage Temari and watch the gentle rise and fall of her stomach as she slept soundly.


Kakashi finally managed to grab Koga; he now had him in the Primary Lotus and was sending him straight towards Guy who had just opened the Sixth gate. Koga was smiling as Kakashi sent him soaring into the Morning Peacock, even as he felt the hundreds of high speed blows against his body and the light flames, even when Guy kicked him back into the ground and he felt his right arm shatter he smiled.

“Did that do it?” Kakashi said weakly as he fell to one knee, exhausted. Koga had proved to be more than a match for the two Jonin even with them having a numerical advantage on him. Both Kakashi and Guy were severely injured and had used their last reserves with that last attack; if that somehow hadn’t finished Koga off they were pretty fucked.

“That was fun,” Koga’s voice barked out from the crater; causing both Kakashi and Guy to stare in shock as Koga rose unsteadily from the crater that should have been his grave with his mangled right arm hanging limply at his side, his forehead was drenched in blood and his legs looked like they were having trouble supporting him. But Koga still reached into his left pocket and pulled out a switchblade which he opened and let the blade gleam in the sunlight.

“Do you want to know why,” Koga asked while unsteadily walking towards Kakashi and Guy, “I love using, knives?”

“You’re insane,” Kakashi barked as he helplessly watched Koga get closer and closer, his walk was an uneven almost drunken display of uncoordinated stumbling but yet the man continued to get closer and closer.

“Well, that’s surely not a wrong answer but it’s not the right one, either.” Koga said as fell to his knees in front of Kakashi, running the knife’s blade along the Jonin’s tattered vest. “The reason, I like knives is that; guns are too quick. You just don’t get to really know a person quite like you get to do with a knife, when you use a gun. You see, people, reveal their true selves while I’m cutting them up. In a way, I know the people I’ve carved up, better than their families and friends did.”

“Bastard!” Kakashi howled and reached for the knife but Koga jammed the knife into his shoulder, causing Kakashi to scream out in pain. Koga, still holding the knife’s hilt used Kakashi’s body to stand up. He then let go of the knife hilt and dabbed his fingers in Kakashi’s blood.

“You need to smile,” Koga said coldly as he smeared blood on Kakashi’s mask in the shape of a smile and started laughing, “more.”

Koga walked over to his jacket and put it back on, and then he retrieved his hat and his shotgun. Holding the shotgun in his left hand he worked the lever, ejecting a spent shell as he walked over to Guy’s writhing body.


“You’re so weak little boy,” Menos scoffed as he held the brutalized Sasuke in one brutal hand; everything the boy had tried failed. It wasn’t that he lacked the techniques to beat Menos, he just flat out didn’t have the skill or experience to do it and it showed, big time. Menos delivered his final blow; he drove his nose, like a spear into Sasuke’s guts. The boy howled out his pain and lost consciousness; Menos simply tossed him to the side, “He had some promise but his execution was poor. I’ll let him live, this time. I feel more like getting a burger than eating this punk.”

Sasuke had been toyed with, beaten, broken and left for dead by Menos. But he struggled back to consciousness.

“Wait,” Sasuke managed to say, “What is your name?”

“Menos El Toro Del Grande,” Menos answered, “remember my name for when next we meet you will die, young knight.”


“Hi,” Koga said cheerfully as he placed the shotgun’s barrel underneath Guy’s chin, “we’re going to play a little game; in this game if this shotgun is in fact still loaded and blows your head across this field, you obviously loose. But if it’s not and your head doesn’t burst like an egg with a firecracker inside it you win and I take my comrade and leave, okay?”

“You’re sick,” Guy spat on the barrel of the gun. If only I could move my body I could kill him…

“Well I’m going to take that as a yes, okay?” Koga said with a smile as he pulled the trigger on his shotgun.


Kuroudo slammed his head against Juubei’s once again, causing more blood to pour out; he hit him again, and again. Kuroudo couldn’t keep going; the constant woodpecker action was doing just as much damage to his head as it was to Juubei’s. Kuroudo grabbed onto Juubei’s shoulders and gave him one last all-mighty whack and to his surprise, Juubei fell over.

Kuroudo stumbled backwards and fell himself; Kuroudo had done it, he wasn’t too sure if Juubei was still alive or if he was dead but he’d beaten him this time. Kuroudo’s thoughts immediately went to Momoko and Temari. Oh Goddess please let them be alright!

“I can’t believe it,” Juubei said with a weak and exhausted voice as he stirred, barely managing to pull out a scroll and open it, “I’ve been defeated, but alas this was but a test of you, Kuroudo. I’ve finally found an organization that appreciates my true talents.”

“Oh please,” Kuroudo chuckled, “you’re just a freak, like me. They only like you right now because they need you; the moment the chips are down, they’ll throw you out just like Paradiseo will do to me. Your life is a joke. There’s no such thing as immortality in this or any world, everything burns, everything dies eventually, Juubei. There’s no point in struggling to attain that which simply doesn’t exist. You, make me laugh at least.”

“You’ll see just how far your laughing gets you,” Juubei barked harshly as his eye became blood shot from the nearly uncontrollable rage brewing inside him. Juubei reluctantly placed his hand on the scroll and summoned a beast; underneath Juubei a bird formed out of the mud and with Juubei on its back it grew more massive. Once the mud-bird blocked out the sun Juubei howled out to Pain, “Let’s just cut our fucking losses and go! We’ll pick up Itachi as we leave.”

“Fine,” the five remaining Pains, carrying their destroyed brother leapt onto the bird and it flew off towards the battle ground of Miho and Itachi.

“Juubei!” Kuroudo howled out with a smile on his face, “Why So Serious?”

“When next we meet I’m going to carve him up good!” Juubei rasped in anger as he fruitlessly tried to reach Kuroudo from the bird, “I’m going to carve a smile permanently into his fucking face!”


Miho stood; she’d won, just barely though. The whole area looked like something out of a winter wonderland nightmare; there were flames frozen solid and there were yards of deadly ice spires and spikes all around the area. There was beautiful ice walls with kunai and shiriken jammed into them all over the area, some of Miho’s ice weapons were covered in blood. Miho herself had taken a pretty brutal beating despite her defenses but in the end it was she who managed to put Itachi through a powerful genjutsu; her evil eye had given him the nightmare of a lifetime and he now was hunched over hurling.

“How was it?” Miho started laughing, she’d lost too much chakra and her body was too injured for her to finish the job. Itachi had likely not faced an opponent as dangerous as Miho in awhile because he seemed to respond to the pain a lot more then Miho had expected but he was still very good and she’d won only by pure luck.

“You bitch…” Itachi’s stomach couldn’t stop quaking and his vision was still doubled. She was a good fighter and she trusted her instincts very well, if one or two things had happened differently she’d be a corpse at Itachi’s feet. As far as her genjutsu was concerned she was top of her class for sure, not quite as good as he was but for her age she was amazing. But that Beowolf fist is what set her apart; one hit surely meant death or loss of a limb. The ‘freeze’ effect was so great it had even frozen the black flames of Amaterasu; since it could do that there was nothing she couldn’t freeze. And her abilities kept her both her offense and defense high enough that even Itachi had only managed the odd hit on her.

“During the war there was a battle that no one likes to talk about; the Siege of Oh-Ka castle.” Miho smiled, “You see the battle of Oh-Ka castle we weren’t fighting Land of Mountains troops we were fighting Hidden Darkness rogues we called the Kokaine fighters. They were well armed, especially compared to the LOM troops and they were well trained, more than a match for Paradiseo Regulars. The reason no one likes to talk about that battle is because we don’t know why they attacked us. Oh-Ka castle was being used as a hospital and most of the initial combatants on the Paradiseo side were doctors, nurses and patients. We lost a lot of men in the brutal close combat that ensued.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Itachi barked to Miho, the girl had begun to cry slightly.

“There are many who believe that the Kokaine were used by the Hidden Darkness to simulate a war between LOD troops and Paradiseo Regulars.” Miho said as she lay down on the damp ground, “In other words that battle was a proxy war between our two nations. I’m telling you this because you can’t trust them, at some point I think the Hidden Darkness might approach Akatsuki looking for an ally against Paradiseo. Don’t join them, the Kokaine were completely destroyed by us in that castle; any ally is expendable in the eyes of the Akukage of the Hidden Darkness.”

“What a lovely story,” Koga cheerfully said as he walked onto the field holding his shotgun in his working left arm, “Looks like you lost, Itachi-sama.”

“What about you?” Itachi said as he glared at Koga; he was pretty banged up but he seemed to not notice and it seemed like he was almost skipping around as he walked.

“Oh yeah,” Koga said as he smiled, “I won, but lost my little game. Actually it was close, but I beat Kakashi and Might Guy! Menos left your brother a bloody wreck but still breathing, last I checked.”

Above them a massive bird flew in; it was Juubei’s transport.

“Get on, we’re leaving.” Pain ordered, “We’re cutting our losses and bailing out.”

“This was fun at least.” Koga said and he broke out laughing his insane cackle as the Pains carried both him and Itachi up to the bird.

To be continued…
Next time: The Bad Joke of Life part 2: Welcome to Paradiseo

Ryu-Ken ryuu: Dragon Fist Style, the techniques created by Ryujin Gensoui. They’re frighteningly powerful direct combat taijutsu moves that are incredibly difficult to master but are undoubtedly the most powerful taijutsu techniques aside from the lotus. Kuroudo has a mastery of this style and uses it well in combat.

-Kazuki Ferret