Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Ice Picks and Hand Grenades ❯ My Mind Wanders ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I don’t own Naruto. However I am going to steal Shikamaru, tie him up and keep him in my basement.

A/N: Chapter one is kind of a prologue/monologue thingy. Basically my attempt at getting into Shika-kun’s head. Mendokuse.

Praise and constructive criticism welcome, however, I’m not fond of smores, so please hold back on the flames.

CHAPTER ONE: My Mind Wanders…

First of all, let me get one thing straight.

I don’t really understand a thing about anybody. Not that I ever tried to, but you know. Everybody thinks I know everything just because I’m good at strategy and stuff like that, but I don’t. I’m not saying I’m stupid or anything like that… I’m just lazy and I admittedly don’t go out and spend enough time in the company of others to learn things about people. Though, I doubt I’d pay enough attention to notice anything anyway.

I don’t know if that makes me antisocial, necessarily. I’m just lazy. Simple as that.

Recently, I’ve discovered that some stuff I know about myself gives me insight into others, be it true or just my mind playing fucked up tricks on me... I’ve figured out that naturally everyone is bisexual, no matter what they say. I’m not saying anyone’s lifestyle is wrong, it’s just that the degrees vary. Like me, I admit I’m attracted to guys, maybe more sexually than a lot of other men, but yeah. It always starts with a curiosity… maybe sneaking a peek at another guy in the hot springs, not even checking him out or anything… but just looking. Looking and comparing. It just kinda becomes second nature. I know what looks good from those experiences, and what doesn’t. Of course it can become an attraction. After all, that’s how I know I’m pretty well off myself. I guess ninja training, as much of a bother as it is, has its good points. Well, unless it gets out of hand, that is… take Gai, for example. Too much muscle, not enough looks to balance it out. Lee better watch out with all that physical training. He’s got a great body, exquisite even, but if he does too much, he really will end up like Gai... well, more than he already is.

Right now though, I’d definitely take him all the way and then some. The girls might be scared of his eyebrows and whatnot, but I tell ya, throw him in the sack and I bet you he’s one of the most naturally talented bastards you’ve ever met. The kind I’d want to take turns with, even. The only downside to that is that he’s got a lot more stamina than anyone, and I know there’s no way I could keep up with him.

But, hey. Looking at the choice of women I seem to have, I’m glad I’ve come to accept my sexual interest in the male gender. I mean, besides the fact that women like Ino and Sakura are pushy, snotty and, overall, scary…they remind me way too much of my mother. In other words, inherently evil. Don’t get me wrong, they’re usually pretty nice girls, but I couldn’t see myself ever having more than a one time drunken fling with one of them. I had my fair share of head-chewing-off back when I lived with my parents, and that’s sure as hell not something I want to deal with for the rest of my life.

Oh-then there’s the quiet, obedient type of girls like Hinata… I can’t stand that either. My perfect girl would be level headed, reasonably outgoing and not obnoxious in any sense of the word. I suppose what I really mean to say is that I want a woman instead of a girl. I dunno, maybe like a younger version of Kurenai…

But if I never get married, that’s fine too. Plans are meant to be flexible. If I decide to spend my life with another man, I’ll probably decide not to tie the knot. After all, the only reason I’ve even considered marriage is so that my children would inherit my family name. I guess it’s a bit of a pride thing? Whatever. Marriage is just a ball and chain to keep men from sleeping around, anyway, and I’m not the type of guy who does stuff like that. Believe it or not, I’m totally loyal.

Gah… that reminds me… how troublesome...

My parents want me to be dating, at least, by the time I reach twenty-three. I don’t know, it seems a bit soon to me.

But I can’t say I won’t be dating by then. That’s three years away, and there’s no telling what will happen in that time span. Either way, at this moment, I’m still too young for commitment. I wasn’t lying about my loyalty, it’s just that I want my first commitment to someone to last forever. I don’t want to have to deal with all the drama relationships at my age have on tow. I want my first relationship to be a mature relationship without onslaughts of hormones clouding our judgment and without other people getting in the way. I doubt all of this is possible, humans being the primitive self-righteous beings we are. It’s just the best case scenario.

I still plan on being single for quite a while, though.

You don’t rush things like that. First of all, there has to be some sort of mutual attraction, and I can safely say there’s none of that floating around. I’m not the type of guy others are attracted to. I’m no Sasuke (no stalker-esque fanclub here), and I’m no gentleman, either. Ino is constantly telling me I’m a smartass, or that I’m insensitive or crude. Just part of my aggressive apathy, I suppose. No one wants a lazy boyfriend. Not that I blame them. I’d make a crappy boyfriend. I’d dump myself in a heartbeat.

Besides, even if I was ready to take the plunge,there are only three people I’m even slightly attracted to. One, of course, is Lee, who I mentioned earlier. The second is Kiba, probably because of his raw personality and excellent washboard stomach. And the third is Kakashi-san, because of the whole mystery factor.

Hell. I’d fuck any of them if given the chance.

I’m sure a lot of people would find my attractions strange. After all, I don’t hint anything, nor do I ever seem to care… and most of all, unlike everybody else in this damn place, I’m not even one bit attracted to Sasuke. Sure, he’s good looking, but he so *moody* it makes me want to puke. I never really could stand the guy. Besides, he and Naruto are practically lovers-and they would be if they could get their heads out of their asses long enough to take a good look around. But Naruto is just plain stupid, and Sasuke is so concerned about continuing his bloodline that he chooses to ignore his feelings. It’s none of my concern, though I can’t wait to see Sasuke’s fanclub go through the shredder. Come to think of it, that would be a good turn of events for everybody. Maybe then Sakura will smarten up and start dating Lee, and Ino will stop being so nagging all the time.

Maybe. Then again…if Sakura and Ino became a couple, that would be pretty hot. Not that I’m expecting it or anything.

Hn. I guess that’s why I haven’t pursued physical relations with any of my quote on quote crushes…

Because Lee should really end up with Sakura, Shino has a thing for Kiba (though he’s good at hiding it), and Kakashi, beside being way too old for me, has definitely been eyeing a serious relationship with Iruka… that is, if they’re not in one already. I don’t like stepping on other people’s toes, to be concise. I mean, if any of them came to me, or if we somehow ended up in a position to fool around, then sure, I’d be all for it. But I don’t initiate. Well, I guess that’s sort of a lie. If they were begging for it, then I might suggest something… but it’s gotta be pretty obvious, I’ll be the first one to admit I’m not too keen on flirting. Not that I’m the type people flirt with anyway. I don’t think it’s because I’m ugly or mean… I’m pretty sure people don’t flirt with me because they don’t think I’ll respond. But you never know.

As for the reason I don’t flirt: I don’t understand it. Not at all. I mean, is it something you do naturally? Is it forced? How do you do it and when? Are only girls supposed to flirt? Maybe if I could identify it in the first place I could answer these questions on my own. I’m not saying I’m sexually naïve, it’s just flirting that stumps me. By no means am I a virgin. I’ve only been with one person (what can I say?) and we were pretty unstoppable. I mean three times a night at least. Don’t get me wrong, I feel no commitment to her, we were just friends with nothing better to do.

The girl I’m talking about (may she remain anonymous), she was a little older than me and far more experienced. She taught me a lot. I’ve always been good at memorizing, so whenever she did something I liked or I did something that got the desired reaction from her, I memorized and practiced it. After about the fourth night I had her screaming in all the right ways. And since then, masturbation has certainly been a more fulfilling activity. Sure, stroke, squeeze, shake is a tried and true method, but knowing I can give myself a hell of an orgasm when I do it other ways is far more satisfying.

If you ask me, everyone should learn where their own spots are.

I don’t really masturbate much, even if it’s been a while since my friend moved off and I haven’t even bothered to find another fuck buddy. Yeah, I suppose I miss having a sure thing. But it was all worth it. I still remember the last thing she said to me. She was sprawled out underneath me, her legs behind her ears, sopping with sweat…she took my face with both hands, looked me right in the eyes and whispered to me in moaning tones, “Oh, god…they don’t know what they’re missing…” I thought it was corny, and it is, but I’m not the type who puts effort into much. It’s nice to know that the few and far between times I do give the effort, that it’s appreciated.

Ha. I bet if the others heard all this, their views of me would go belly up. Hah... troublesome. That’s all right. I’m completely comfortable with the way they see me, they really don’t need to know.

So I guess this is going to remain my dirty little secret. What a bother. Some days I wish I could just say all the things on my mind, but I suppose I’ll reserve this side of my personality for whoever my most precious person ends up being. As I said before, who am I to unnecessarily rush things? It’s bad enough my plan for a quiet normal type life got blown out the window. I mean, Tsunade was just bugging me the other day, asking why I still haven’t tried to become a jounin… and then there was that whole Anbu thing-anyway, I think I’m best off where I am. Who knows, maybe they’ll try to convince me to be Hokage by age twenty-five. Yeah, I’d rather not. Teaching the brats is troublesome enough, I don’t know why I’d want to do any of those other things.

At least I don’t have classes for the next three days. Or…more accurately, I’m skipping the meetings I’m supposed to be attending for the next three days, consequences be damned.

I made the mistake of going once before. Okay, so the whole point of the damn things is forcing us teachers to listen to the ramblings of some old geezer for several hours a day with no point whatsoever except to force even me to be bored to tears. I was nearly kicked out for sleeping, and then, after that, I almost got kicked out again for doodling instead of taking notes. By the third day I’d been lectured so many times my ear hurt, even with my pinky finger stuck inside to dull the sound. Man, I felt like I was twelve again.

Like I said, meetings be damned. The important thing is that I finally have time to relax, even though I know the guys wanted to go down to the beach, or something like that.

It can’t be earlier than noon… that means I’m already late for the meetings, and boy is Tsunade-sama going to blow a fuse when I don’t show up at all. Speaking of which, I should get out of bed sometime.

…I guess they’re right about me.

~~~~

With a quick stretch I pull myself out of bed, yawning wide as I hurry over to my bureau to fetch some boxers before some unlucky passerby accidentally catches a glance at the moon through my window. So, yeah, I guess I really should close the shades once in a while, but then I’d miss waking up with the warmth of the sun’s first rays brushing my cheeks and sometimes the breeze gently rustling the loose hairs across my forehead. And besides, it’s so troublesome to have to open and close the damn things all the time.

Looking at the electric red numbers burning into the corners of my eyes from my nightstand, it’s already creeping up on two o’clock. I bet most everyone left without me. It’s how it usually works. Everyone has learned-it’s not like I won’t eventually show up. I’m pretty reliable-so long as no one expects too much.

Sure enough, when I step off the last of the stairs, adjusting the duffel bag slung over my shoulder, Neji and Lee are there, waiting for me. Like always. I don’t know why these two guys are always hanging around, like they’re so worried I’ll end up dead on my doorstep or something. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that Neji is festering with ulcers. Lee… Lee is just stubborn. Of that I’m pretty sure.

“Took you long enough, Nara.” Always so serious. I choke back a laugh.

“My, my, aren’t we catty this afternoon. How troublesome.” Neji shoots me his hardest glare, but I’m sure he knows I’m not buying it. He just kinda looks silly when he starts putting on faces like that. I think it has something to do with those white eyes of his. “What are we doing today, anyway?”

“Godaime Hokage-sama gave us vacation leave!” Lee fists his hands and gazes toward the sky. I swear he’s gonna start shaking and crying at any second. “So we’re going to the beach to revel in our youthful beauty!” I roll my eyes. “And I’ll finally show Sakura-san I’m the only man she’ll ever need.” Now that… I almost smile. And not my usual sarcastic smile or the slack, half-amused one. He’s got enthusiasm, I’ll give him that. I guess you can say all the enthusiasm I lack somehow ended up in him … and it’s infective. I mean, he almost had me smiling.

I can tell it’s going to be a good day, already. Or maybe Lee just does that to people, I’m not sure.

Hell. I’m feeling generous.

I turn my eyes toward my thick browed companion and flash him my patented smirk. “Lee, if I play matchmaker for the two of you, you’ve got to promise me an outdoor wedding, all right?”

He turns to me, and I think that look means confusion… “You-you mean it?”

“Yeah, why not? I’ve got nothing better to do.” Of course, he’s thrilled. Neji, on the other hand is being his usual sourpuss self. He’s glaring at me again with those hollow white eyes, muttering obscenities under his breath.

“Don’t include me, okay? This is stupid.”

I just shrug casually. “Didn’t expect as much. I’m sure Ino and Chouji will give me more than a hand enough.”

Great. Now Lee’s really in tears. I hate this weird feeling in my stomach. I don’t really know what it is, but… a person crying just… puts me out a little, to say the least. “This is fantastic! The true power of youth at it’s peak! Uniting in the vision of my pure and everlasting love!”

Okay…whatever, man. “Nah, I just think you two are kind of inevitable.” At that point I start walking. As energetic and friendly as he is, too much of Lee’s romanticism can really make a person sick. In fact, screw this. I’m going by rooftop. The less chance Lee gets to talk, the less likely I am to puke all over my new sandals.

**

A/N: Review please! Reviews are like food to authors, and if you don’t feed us we wither and die.

NEXT TIME:

Not everyone believes in superstition. One person may avoid crossing paths with a black cat, while another person, upon meeting the same black cat, may simply reach down and pet it. But whether an event is influenced by the act itself or by our perception of the act, one can never know.

However, to those who do believe in superstition, something as simple as the number three may be enough to change a man forever.
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