Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Iruka's obsession ❯ Part 10 ( Chapter 10 )

A/n- to make up for the angst in the previous chapter, I present total crack

 

Part 10

 

Iruka had to admit that Naruto helped him stay sane. For the two days that he stayed in Konoha, he managed to visit all his friends, and Iruka accompanied him willingly. They ate out if they could and stayed up late talking about everything. Iruka deliberately tried not to think of Kakashi and everything that went with him - which was possible as long as he was occupied. He discovered that avoiding the issue did not always make it go away. When Naruto left, it was as if he was suddenly swept away by a tide of memories.

 

Iruka found out he could not do anything. He got distracted easily. He could not go to work, where he found he was assaulted by memories of Kakashi sitting on his windowsill or waving to him from the yard outside. If he went to work, he would remember Kakashi walking in to hand over his report and then kissing him against the file cabinet. Training was out of the question, since the dojo and his training kit made him depressed. His apartment was far too bleak after the departure of Naruto, and it seemed as if he had far too much time on his hands to think of the past. He wished Kakashi had died on some distant mission - now that would be nice. He fantasized about it a bit. Then he found himself tempted to act out his homicidal daydreams on his class, who seemed to have decided to make the best of Iruka's distraction.

 

He found solace in the most surprising of things. He started reading his Icha Icha collection. It was so startlingly outrageous it was funny. The books read like one man's make-believe fantasy world. There was lots of sex in various combinations, and much to Iruka's relief some of it was not strictly heterosexual. However, his relief was short-lived as he remembered that though Kakashi was not interested in just het-porn, he was definitely not interested in Iruka.

 

The books kept him steady as he followed the adventure of one man through women's bathhouses, changing rooms and between their legs. The characters were strangely familiar, and Iruka could see that the old man had woven everyday people into his books, most of them from Konoha. He smiled as he read about the exploits of a young schoolteacher who was forced to watch over a brood of demon offspring but stopped smiling as he read about the young teacher being seduced by the mother of said offspring who matched Anko's description.

 

The books did help him concentrate on other things; some of the positions described were next to impossible even for a well-trained ninja, and Iruka wondered if he should try bending into position - for the sake of practice. He read them late into the night, and three days later, looking into the mirror he had to admit, his eyes were starting resemble Gaara's.

 

It did not help that Iruka started to run into Ibiki and Gai at alarmingly regular intervals. He was sure he was under surveillance to make sure he was not about to have a breakdown. Perhaps Gai had reported him to Ibiki or the head interrogator had become suspicious of him after witnessing his odd behavior at the jounin quarters. Perhaps they thought he was coming down with something terminal.

 

Not that ninjas ever considered a broken heart a life-threatening condition. Even Sakura had been able to function normally after Sasuke had left, while Iruka was left struggling to pull himself together. Either he was overly emotional or Sakura did not love Sasuke as much as she had imagined. Iruka remembered that Naruto had been more obsessed with bringing Sasuke back than the pink-haired female. She seemed to have found her footing, getting along very well with Lee. This thought only served to make Iruka feel even more depressed.

 

Iruka took two weeks of accumulated leave from school. He had found himself fingering his kunai after Konohamaru henged into a naked Tsunade instead of shouting at him as usual. (Perhaps it was the shock of having his face smothered by two pillow-like breasts.) Besides, he had hardly taken any time off, unless he counted the medical leave he had taken after the Mizuki incident, so he was long overdue for a vacation. Even in Konoha, leave taken for injuries in the field did not count against to work leave. However, this did not mean he could leave mission desk duty in the hands of another. Most of the jounins and the chuunins were assigned on missions, and the mission desk was short-staffed. Someone had to be there to at least handle the endless line of civilian requests which varied from shadowing errant husbands to finding lost pet lizards.

 

Mission room duty was hardly inspiring. He was staring out the window, scowling at the sight of Konohamaru and Ami bickering on the road below, wondering how much he had to endure. He was starting to crumble around the edges. The lack of sleep was starting to tell, and he was seriously debating if he should take part in a missing lizard hunt.

 

He had just found out that the only reason someone had taken an interest in him had been as a mission. It was more depressing than the time Mizuki had told him that Iruka's friendship meant nothing. Maybe he was in love with Kakashi.

 

He just wished for a distraction. Something. Anything.

 

It came rather unexpectedly as he was closing down the mission room for the day. The jounins and chuunins who were back from missions were chatting, comparing notes as he sat up, stretching his back when…

 

“Iruka-sensei, just the person I have been meaning to talk to!!!!”

 

Iruka cringed and looked around for a place to hide. “Gai-sensei,” he said weakly.

 

“Ah, the apathy of youth these days,” the green clad man declared. Iruka did not think he was that young but managed a weak nod. “I have come because I am at loss these days with my esteemed rival out of the village. Perhaps you could become my substitute rival for the day.”

 

Iruka realized he had become the center of attention again as the people in the room turned to look at him. Genma was smirking knowingly, and Izumo was stifling a laugh.

 

“I…'m busy,” Iruka said unconvincingly.

 

“But I was so looking forward to having a new rival,” Gai declared. “You should come and match your skills with me.”

 

Either Gai was being nice to Iruka or trying to get him killed. Iruka wasn't sure which, since matching his skills against the senior jounin probably meant death in any case. Was Gai about to get back at him for trying to steal his lover? However, Iruka knew Gai was not exactly a person to hold a grudge. Not against a fellow ninja.

 

“I…”

 

“Where is the fire, the burning need - I thought you would be a good substitute rival since you took out a powerful Mist-nin,” Gai continued in a loud voice, his teeth shining like diamonds. Was Gai here because he had overheard Iruka and Kakashi discussing their non-relationship? Was it pity or curiosity about the chuunin who tried to overreach?

 

“The competitive sprit of the Konoha ninja will not be…” Iruka looked around and sighed. Gai was not the type to go away, and any more of this nonsense and everyone in the mission room would be planning his wedding to Gai. They'd probably decided to have green and orange streamers and fuzzy eyebrow-shaped centerpieces.

 

“Fine,” Iruka said.

 

“The body needs to be shaped just like the mind and with the power of youth…what?”

 

“I said fine, I'll come,” Iruka said tiredly. “Can we just leave now?”

 

“Most certainly,” Gai said exuberantly. “Sensei, you will not be disappointed with my…”

 

“Can we just leave,” Iruka pleaded.

 

“AH, such a modern and hip attitude…”

 

Iruka just started walking towards the door, ignoring the sniggering multitude. As if any one of them was willing to save him from the horrors that awaited him with the Green Beast of Konoha. Why was the man called a beast -- was it because he was an animal in bed? Or because he was a brute when it came to training, and his challenges were enough to make a regular ninja run for his mother? Iruka wondered what he was in for as he walked out into the road and looked around speculatively.

 

Gai came behind him, jumping up and down in an excited manner. “That is the sprit, sensei. Now we can run.”

 

“Run,” Iruka said a little stunned. “Where?”

 

“Around the village - a mere warm-up before our challenge,” Gai sounded excited like a kid in a free all-you-can-eat candy shop.

 

“A warm-up,” Iruka said a little wearily. “One round.”

 

“Surely you jest, sensei,” Gai declared as he started running in place. “For a mere chuunin like you, I've cut down my warm-up schedule in half. We will run around the village seventy times, then a hundred push ups and …”

 

“You run around the village a hundred and forty times,” Iruka managed incredulously. “That's an odd number for…”

 

Gai looked a little embarrassed. “It's hundred and fifty times,” he admitted, shamefaced. “But to tell you the truth, I do not want to cut down my warm up regime by exactly half…”

 

“Fine,” said Iruka as he mentally rolled his eyes. He wasn't even sure where this was headed, but he did not think Gai had challenged him because he was the only available choice. The last time he checked the duty roster there was the required number of jounins inside the village in case of an emergency, and not all of them were on duty at once. He might as well get it over with without thinking it over. “Lead the way, Gai-sensei.”

 

He was sure the running around the village suggestion was a ruse for something else. Perhaps to lead him to a deserted part of the village and beat him up. Still, it was better to get it over with. What he did not realize was that subterfuge was not Gai's strong point. If the green clad man said run, he meant run.

 

By the time the first lap was over, Iruka came to appreciate just how large Konoha was for something that was supposed to be hidden. The first lap was relatively easy, as Iruka was careful enough not to start at anything faster than a brisk trot. Gai was either kind enough, or felt the need to show off, as he paced with Iruka at the beginning, pointing out the place where his students where practicing. It was a small clearing by the lake, full of training equipment, seemingly more suitable for picnics than weapons training. “He wishes to make Neji his rival in the absence of Sasuke, his first choice.” Lee was engaged in some hand-to-hand combat with a tree and was winning by the looks of it.

 

“That's my Lee.” Iruka could see tears of pride in Gai's eyes. “He's so inspired.” Next to Lee were Neji and Tenten doing their own practicing.

 

“Those two…” Gai said in what he considered to be a whisper. “They're so close I think there might be more between them at times. Admit it Iruka-sensei, this is the time for love.”

 

Iruka watched TenTen hurl about a hundred kunai, a long-bladeed spear, a double-headed axe, several shurikens, a long sword, a pole, a boomerang and a throwing knife at Neji from her weapon-summoning scroll and nodded. Yes, that was exactly how life felt like for him.

 

By the second time around the village, Iruka was forced to acknowledge that some people he knew were watching his progress with interest, including some of those who had been in the mission room when Gai had invited him. By the third lap, these same people started taking bets to see just how many laps he could run. By the eleventh lap he developed a stitch on his left side and a blister on his heel. By the fifteenth, he started to wish for more air. By the time he'd managed to stagger through his seventeenth lap, Gai went past him on his twenty-first lap calling out platitudes of encouragement that made Iruka want to kill the spandex freak, if only he could move fast enough.

 

Halfway through his twentieth lap, Iruka sat in the middle of the road and refused to move. Gai had made his point very clear. Iruka was a chuunin who could not keep up with him; Iruka had never had that amazing stamina Gai and Lee seem to possess - even Kakashi might not have it, though it had never been tested, and really the Copy-nin was a little too lazy to run around the village a hundred times.

 

“Well, Gai-sensei,” Iruka said from his position in the road as a pair of orange leg warmers came into view. “You won -- now go away.”

 

“Iruka-sensei,” Gai sounded hurt. “The power of …”

 

“What do you want, Gai?” Iruka asked, tilting back his head, not bothering with any honorific. He glared the best he could from his position on the ground. “Just tell me what you want to say, and then leave me alone.”

 

“I did not want to tell you anything,” Gai said, sounding shocked. “Is there something wrong, sensei? Would you like to sit down somewhere?”

 

Iruka bit back the urge to point out that he was indeed sitting down and that he wasn't the one acting strangely but let Gai in his own fashion help him to the area where his team was.

 

“Why in the world are you bothering with me if you didn't want to hammer a point into me?” Iruka asked.

 

“I was told by Ibiki that you were a little under the weather and thought I should cheer you since Kakashi is out of the village.”

 

Iruka flinched both mentally and physically at the mention of his personal silver-haired demon. While Kakashi was almost a landmark in Konoha, very few people mentioned his name, even when he was in the village. “Why would I want to be cheered up when Hatake-san is out of the village?” he asked coldly.

 

“But you are the one who has inspired love in my rival's heart.” Gai was very, very loud -- and to be saying such things in the presence of his students. Iruka cringed and wondered if he could hide somewhere for the rest of his life. “You brought back the feelings of youth into his life -- you gave him the inspiration to…”

 

Iruka watched as Tenten looked at her unassuming grade school sensei with new interest. He could practically hear her thoughts, laced with disbelief. Kakashi-sensei likes him. Neji was pointedly not looking at him, and Lee seemed to have decided to spare the tree for a moment while listening to his beloved teacher spout marvelous words of wisdom.

 

“…tender feelings of love, passion, devotion, adoration, friendship, of unmatchable…”

 

“Gai,” Iruka practically shouted. “Shut up.”

 

“But Iruka-sensei.” Was Gai always this persistent? “I'm sure he will come back to take you into his tender embraces and hold you safe in his bosom…”

 

Did Gai read something similar to Icha Icha Demented in his spare time? Kakashi did not even have a bosom - Iruka could attest that he was very flat-chested. Which was not the main issue…

 

“Might I remind you that last time I dropped in on your rival's house, you were there half-dressed?” Iruka could not help but say a little sharply.

 

Neji looked at Lee then away - probably wondering just what this rival business was about.

 

“Oh,” said Gai with a look of understanding which irked Iruka.

 

“Don't you just `oh'.” He scrambled to his feet and marched forward angrily. “I saw you, remember? You're chest is hairier than your eye-brows.”

 

Lee looked entranced. TenTen looked green. Neji looked as mortified as he ever could without showing his emotions.

 

“I do occasionally drop in on Kakashi's place for a change of clothes and a shower,” Gai said, looking at Iruka with a warm smile. “My apartment is on the other side of the complex, and when in a hurry I go to his place.”

 

“You mean there is absolutely nothing between the two of you?” Iruka asked, to be certain, ignoring the warm feeling in his middle.

 

“We've had our odd challenges, mind you.” Gai seemed to seriously consider the question. “But no, sensei - not in the way you would want.”

 

“What sort of challenges, Gai-sensei?” Lee asked eagerly from his perch. Iruka had also been curious but had been unwilling to ask in case he did not really want to know.

 

“We've had competitions where we read to each other books of questionable repute…”

 

Kakashi and Gai read porn to each other, Iruka translated in his mind.

 

“…and self-pleasuring …er…challenges…”

 

Masturbating contests, Iruka groaned. He was not the only one; Neji seemed to have activated his Byakugan and was staring at the ground as if hoping the ground would swallow him up. Lee looked excited at the prospect of new challenges - he pulled out a notebook and started to scribble in it, most likely adding to his list of possibilities he could use against Neji.

 

“My rival is not well-versed in the art of socializing,” Gai said to Iruka in an almost gentle voice. “You must forgive him for being so inept at human communication. But he has a heart of gold and …”

 

“You heard what he said to me,” Iruka said a little shakily, angry that Gai was defending that bastard. “Don't you say such things about him! I don't care if you and he are having a torrid love affair…”

 

“But sensei,” Gai stepped in. “My own heart runs in a different direction. In fact, my heart is already stolen by a lovely lady from our beautiful village.”

 

“You're in love,” Iruka said in disbelief.

 

“I see you are incredulous,” Gai said, his chest thrust forward as he emphasized his point. “But I assure you, I am in love with a lovely maiden who is as fair as day…”

 

Iruka frowned; did that translate to blonde…

 

“…with a bosom made for mothering and nurturing, gentle and caring, goodness shining through …”

 

Large-breasted - Iruka did not like the sound of this. Neji had picked up one of Tenten's kunai and was digging furiously; perhaps under the impression that if the earth didn't swallow him, he could give it a helping hand.

 

“…and when I see her, my heart beats wildly in my chest, my knees feel weak, and my mouth goes dry…”

 

Iruka wondered if Gai had a history of chronic heart disease…

 

“…and the Hokage tower becomes the most revered building in the whole of Konoha as long as she graces it with her presence.”

 

“Gai-sensei,” Tenten sounded shocked. “You're in love with Tsunade?”

 

“No, no.” Even Gai looked green at the thought. “Tsunade-sama looked after me when I was a toddler, and one of my personal mottos is never to fall in love with an older woman who's wiped you as a child.”

 

Tenten joined Neji in his digging while Lee continued to studiously take notes.

 

“Then who?” Iruka wondered.

 

“I meant the Most Beautiful and Wondrous Woman in the entire world, Shizune of course,” Gai proclaimed loudly. “She is the apple of my eye, the blood in my body, the sparkle in my life, the …”

 

“But you said fair, large …er…chested and…and…” Iruka stammered.

 

“Love is a window through which I look at my lovely vision of perfection,” Gai said in a voice which was close to dreamy. Iruka looked away in case he saw roses flying in the wind. “Iruka-sensei, we will both endeavor to win our true loves …”

 

“Kakashi is not my true love,” Iruka said coldly, stepping away. He noted that Neji and TenTen had uncovered a green box of sake from the ground and were taking generous gulps from it. He wondered why there were alcoholic drinks in the training grounds, then shrugged it off. He did not really, really want to know.

 

“But you must not give up so easily…”

 

“I'm not giving up something I never had,” Iruka said shortly as he started to walk away. “I'm just refusing to live in a dream…”

 

“But you are wrong,” Gai cried out in dismay. “I'll prove it to you. I'll win my love and then you can …”

 

“Good luck,” Iruka said interrupting rudely for the second time. “I'm not in the mood for this, Gai-sensei. Just let me know how it turns out.”