Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ My Lonely Heart Beats ❯ Crawling ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me

Distracting/reacting

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

It's haunting how I can't seem...

Anime/Manga: Naruto Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance / Hentai / Drama / Adventure / Action | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 01.12.2006 | Pages: 6 | Words: 11.1K | Visits: 778 | Status: Work In Progress

AN: This will alternate between different points of view but mostly it will be first person Naruto. Sit back and enjoy!

Disclaimer: Me no own you no sue.

My Lonely Heart Beats

*Naruto's P.O.V.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Crawling in my skin

I was just so tired.

I got up every morning at four thirty just to train by myself. Then I would leave and hide in the trees around the bridge just to show up late for training on purpose. After all it wouldn't due for me to be on time now would it? Then I would have to deal with Sakura and her beatings and yelling. It broke me a little more and more each day to hear the girl I had once almost loved call me worthless. It had only gotten worse after she learned what I was.

A monster she called me. She called me a monster to my face. The first time I had went to lay my hand on her shoulder after she discovered that I was the vessel she flinched back from me before whirling around and slapping me hard across the face. I was too shocked to dodge, and I just looked down at her with confusion on my face as she whipped her hand on her shorts like it was diseased.

These wounds they will not heal

I think that was what hurt the most. The fact that even after all of these years of being a team all it took for her to turn her back on me completely, and hate me even more was one glimmer of the Kyuubi shining through and staring her in the face. That's all just one occasion of seeing the kitsune was enough for her. Just one fuckin' glimpse of a youkai drawn forth to protect her worthless ass and suddenly I was even more diseased than before!!

I would have understood her not wanting to go out with me, hell I've been after her for years even though the past five have only been in the desire that she see me as a friend. I had long ago given up the hope of us ever being together in any other way. All I had wanted now was for her to see me as a ningen, a shinobi, and an equal. That was all, nothing more, nothing less. Just a friend. But she couldn't even do that.

Fear is how I fall

“Don't ever touch me again bakemon. I don't need your disease anywhere near me!! I will never go out with you ever, so just stop asking already!! For Kami sake who would ever want to be seen in public with a youkai like you? Why don't you just go somewhere and die and leave Sasuke-kun, Kakashi-sensei, and me alone!! You're a worthless ninja; you wear orange for Kami sake, what the hell is that about? You're just a stupid weak idiot; we don't need, you no one does!!”

My breath hitched in my chest. Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei!! I had forgotten that they were even there! I turned my head to look at them but quickly ducked it in shame. That one glance was all that I needed to confirm what I already knew would be in their eyes. Kakashi-sensei's eyes were calm, amused, and most of all sympathetic to Sakura, while Sasuke's were just cold as always, but held a glimmer of something in them that I didn't know.

Confusing what is real

Them too huh, figures. She's right anyways. Kakashi-sensei hated me he had made that abundantly clear during all of the teams training sessions. While his hate was milder than most of the villagers to the degree that he simply loathed my presence it was still hate and I knew that. And Sasuke probably wouldn't give a damn about me even if I were bleeding in front of him. He certainly hadn't on the last mission.

My hand dropped from where it hung in the air near where Sakura's shoulder had once been. I just stared down at her for the longest time until she started fidgeting underneath the weight of my gaze. I was aware at some point of the stinging of my cheek that faded quickly as I looked at her before speaking. Before I realized what had happened I snapped and couldn't stop myself from saying things that were better left unsaid.

“I am fully aware of what I am Sakura. I have had to live with the fact that I am a monster each and every day of my life.”

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface

I allowed my mask to drop for once, the smile slipping off my face and my eyes lightening until they were almost white. That was the true color of my eyes, so blue they almost faded away as you looked at them, just like my soul did with each passing day. But I only allowed the mask to drop a small fraction. I wanted her to understand, not to scar her for the rest of her life. And seeing the real me would scar her permanently, and because of that I had never let anyone see the real me before. I did not want to worsen the hate everyone had for me by frightening them even more.

My inner self was horrible. I had caught a glimpse of him in the mirror once and it had frightened even me. My eyes were so white and empty, so broken, almost soulless. The mask gave me the ability to function half way normally. It provided the illusion to everyone else that I was simply stupid and loud, that I was annoying and weak. It hid the fact that I was smart and strong, even though I had to teach myself everything I knew. I taught myself how to read, how to cook, wash clothes, and sew. I taught myself how to fight and how to hide behind the mask itself.

Consuming/confusing

I had once thought that Iruka-sensei would maybe be the one that I could show myself to and yet I was wrong. I had tested him once to see if he could handle it, he failed. I let him glimpse only a small portion of myself; I let him see a small bit of my pain in my eyes. He ran and I didn't see him for two months, I never tried again. From that day forward I was the happy smiling blonde that everyone despised and hated, I never slipped up after that day. I couldn't risk losing the only semblance of affection that I had, even if he hated me and I could see it deep down in his eyes.

Sighing I raised my face and stared blankly into Sakura's, aware of her gasp of horror and the widening of her eyes as my own glazed over with memories.

“I know what I am, I always have. I have always known that I was different, that I was tainted. I just didn't know why until I was twelve and the thing with Mizuki happened. Afterwards I understood and I agree. But you know nothing of strength. You don't know what it takes to get out of that cot every morning and come here and be berated and glared at by my team. You don't know what it's like to have to wake up every morning with that thing in my head whispering and moving to where I can feel it, hear it.”

This lack of self-control I fear is never ending

My eyes drifted away from her face to stare listlessly into the sky, vaguely aware that I had the attention of my other teammate and my sensei as well.

“You don't know what it takes out of me to walk through that village each and every day and hear the whispers, feel the cold stares and suffer their hatred for something I had no control over. You think your life's been so hard Sakura? You think you've had it so bad with your overprotective parents and having to deal with Ino all the time? You don't know the pain of having no one. You don't know the pain of having only hatred, none of you do. You've all known love some time in your lives. I have not. You don't know what it's like to have to sleep with the family inu when you were just a baby in the winter because the family that was forced to care for you didn't want your `disease' as you called it in their home. And then having not even the animals want to come near you because they sense your evil and even they hate you for it. Didn't you ever wonder why that old lady's cat that was so sweet hated only me? It's because it can tell that I'm a freak, and it doesn't want to be contaminated.”

I looked at her again. “I wear orange because it is the only material for clothes that the village will sell me. I eat ramen because it is the only thing that they can't sell me rotten or destroy while bagging it, not to mention that it's the cheapest thing to buy. I'm loud and annoying because it is the easiest way to disappear in a crowd and be noticed and yet dismissed as a simple annoyance. Do you know the number of people that have actually come close to having looked at me and not through me Sakura? I can count them on one finger. Gaara was the only one to ever come close to actually looking at me and even he turned from me in the end.”

Controlling/I can't seem

That had hurt as well, Gaara's abandonment. I had made the redheaded Suna-nin feel and he had turned his back on me afraid of what I invoked in him. He had wanted to stay alone and love no other than himself, so he had pushed me away, telling me that I was worthless and not worthy of his time. It had made me ache for a long time that I could not even find companionship in one so similar to myself.

That made my thoughts turn to Sasuke and how alike and yet different we were. I was the sun in appearance and he the moon, while in reality it was the opposite. In reality, behind our looks and appearances I was the moon and he the sun. He blazed with strength and determination for revenge on his brother all the while drawing people to him like a moth to a flame only to burn them when they came too close. I had seen this happen many times before, hell it had happened to me. He had drawn me in so effortlessly and completely I had not realized that he had become my motivation to go on with each new day. And then I was burned; I know I still carry the scars. It still pained me how easily I had let him inside. He had never called me friend or equal, and yet his constant berating and pushing to get stronger had slowly made me stronger as well. It wasn't until that day at the valley that he tried to kill me that I realized just how close he had become to my heart, and just how dangerous it was to have him within striking range of my soul.

After that I had made sure to keep him at a distance, emotionally if not physically. I distanced myself from him without anyone noticing that I had withdrawn. Yes Sasuke was definitely the sun while I was the moon. I was the moon that drew people's gazes and yet never held them. I was the thing that appeared only after the sun went down and everyone was asleep. I was rarely seen for what I really was. People took one look at my scared surface and my soft coaxing, almost feeble light and quickly dismissed me in favor of the brighter more magnificent sun. They would rather be blinded by the sun than guided by the moon. And yet even as they dismissed me they never realized just how important I was to the world, to the village. I was easily dismissed because my own light was subtler, even if my appearance was not. All in all though I had learned to live with being the moon, and I had even come to trust Sasuke again, if only to a certain level. I had been unable to stop loving him. Roughly I pulled myself from my musings and forced my attention back onto the matter at hand.

To find myself again

“As for anyone wanting to go out with me, I know that no one would ever want me. I'm ugly and covered in scars. I have been for as long as I could remember.”

I dropped part of the cover up jutsu that I had taken to wearing to cover my scars since I was young enough to know what chakra was. I reached down and grabbed her hand, ignoring the way she jerked, dragged it back up and placed it gently over the skin of my neck just under the chin, and pressed down.

My walls are closing in

“That thing in me refuses to heal my wounds to where they would not leave scars, especially before I became aware of it at twelve. Do you feel this Sakura?” I ran her hand across one side of my neck to the other, ear to ear. “This is where one of Konoha's darling shinobi tried to slit my throat as I was sleeping. Needless to say he didn't do a very good job at it. I was six, and I laid there bleeding to death and he looked at me and smiled and turned around and left me there. And these,” I ran her hand across her my face, over my left eye and down across the scars that trailed all the way down my cheek, “ these are from when one of the Inuzuka clan, a cousin of Kiba I am sure, sent their dogs after me for walking by their house. They went after my face and got to my left side before I could climb the tree. Have you ever wondered why I am so horrible at target practice with my kunai? Or whenever I fight Sasuke I always miss him when I swing from the left? I'm blind in this eye Sakura, I didn't know it then but only Kyuubi's power let me keep an eye in the socket at all. It happened when I was nine.”

I pulled her hands down until they could trail over the flesh of my arms and she could feel the hundreds of scars that crisscrossed my forearms and my writs. “These are from many shinobi but these,” I trailed her hands over two long slashes that ran from wrist to forearm, that she could tell had been deep just from feeling them, “these are from the local fruit vendor when he swore that I was stealing fruit that I had already paid for. He and a gang of others slit my arms open and dumped me in the river to die. That's why I'm afraid of water and I hesitated to get on the boat to wave country all those years ago. I was eleven.”

I ran her hand horizontally across my wrists. “These two I did myself. I tried to kill myself one night after the festival for the defeat of the Kyuubi. I was banned from the games and the fair but I still listened from a tree as they read out the hundreds and hundreds of names of the ones who had died that night and the weeks after from their injuries. It was my birthday, and I was thirteen. That was the first time it spoke to me. It told me that if I died then it would be able to destroy the village before it died too. It told me exactly what it would do to each and every one of you; its words still haunt me. I never tried again I just couldn't risk it. My lonely heart beats only for this village now.”

(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)

I dropped her hand then and really looked at her. She had tears running down her face and her eyes were devastated. I couldn't find in my heart to give a damn anymore, I was just too tired to care.

“If I could die for you Sakura, or Sasuke, Kakashi, or Iruka-sensei then I more than happily would, but I can't. If I could I would do it to make them and you happy, but if I do the youkai could be released and it could destroy everything. If I could leave this village and disappear I would, but I must stay and protect all of you to try and repent for my sins, although I don't think that even that will actually save my soul. So I am sorry that you must deal with my presence all of the time, maybe one day the village will allow me to work by myself on missions, and then I can train and travel alone. Until then I will no longer ask you to be my friend or to allow me to buy you lunch. I will no longer presume to touch you in anyway. I am sorry that my lonely heart has caused you pain and I will try to stop that from happening again, so my apologies Haruno-sama I am sorry to offend you, I will take my leave if you, Kakashi-sensei, and Uchiha-san will excuse me?” I looked at her, and at seeing her bewildered nod I bowed to her quickly before, not bothering to fully replace the jutsu, turning to Kakashi and Sasuke and bowing to them also. Turning I began to leave before stopping to turn to Kakashi-sensei and bowing to him again I enquired about training the next day. “Training tomorrow at the same time sensei?” At his nod I continued, “May I be permitted to practice by myself on my target practice tomorrow?”

Once again at his nod I bowed and set off for my crummy apartment, with an “I shall take my leave now.” tossed over my shoulder. As I was leaving I could hear Sakura as she dropped to her knees and began to sob into her hands, whispering continually, “I didn't know, I swear I didn't know.” through her tears. Smiling grimly I thought about how it didn't really matter. If she had cared at all she would have never said what she did. I knew now that any contact she initiated between us would be out of guilt or pity and I would prefer that she ignore me rather than pity me. After all you can't take back something that was already said, and I didn't back down from any promise, it went against my Nindo.

I've felt this way before

My head down, I kept trudging back to my home ignoring the sounds coming from behind me. I hadn't meant to say or do any of that today or ever, but I was just so tired and my mask had dropped too far but it was thankfully almost still fully in place. That conversation had not even scratched the surface. And yet it had upset me more than I wanted to admit. I had seen from the corner of my eye the horror on Sasuke's face when I dropped the jutsu. My appearance disgusted him that was apparent now. Whatever tiny hopes I had been harboring of being with him were now gone. I had never meant for him to see me like that. I don't think that I can handle the disgust in his face that would probably be present from now on.

As I exited the training grounds I immediately replaced the mask and the jutsu in full and walked through the crowd of glaring from the elder members of the village and the added glares of my generation that had begun only shortly ago to intensify to the level of their elders. That had started shortly after we had returned from the mission where Sakura had been faced with the Kyuubi. She had gone back to the village terrified out of her mind of me and had told Ino what had happened. Ino being the gossip that she was had to tell Shikamaru and Choji who had told Kiba who had told everyone else who didn't already know. Sighing I just shook my head and continued on until I reached my home and went inside.

The Hokage had been unable to punish anyone since it had spread due to the fact that the youkai had shown itself to someone who didn't know about the third's decree. Since then things had went from bad to worse. All of my so-called friends had turned their backs on me. Kiba had sent his inu after me; Shikamaru couldn't look at me anymore, Choji wouldn't speak to me, Ino cut me down every time she saw me, Shino avoided me, and even Hinata would glare at me when I was around her. With the fact that I was the vessel out in the open the villagers' torture had increased ten fold due to the fact that my former friends now added to them. The only one who would still come near me was Sasuke and that was normally so we could spar, and I didn't expect that to last much longer either.

So insecure

It was painful just like I had told Sakura, to get out of bed each morning and pretend to be happy all of the time. It hurt to have to act like an idiot to garner any type of attention at all. The Kyuubi had taken much from me in my life, my father, half my mind, half of my sight, and any chance I had ever had of being normal, sometimes I think it has taken my sanity to. And then as I look in the mirror I realize that it is me and that I have only stolen from myself.

It had hurt at first to realize that I was the Kyuubi that everyone had feared I was. They had told me now for years that I was a bakemon, a youkai, and then later they plainly called me Kyuubi. I have denied the truth for many years now. I had not wanted to admit that I had become the youkai that they had always said I was. I could tell each time I look into the mirror that I was slowly becoming more and more the Kyuubi with each passing day and month. At first it had been small things like a more aggressive temper during the spring and summer months. Later it had started to affect my appearance slowly but surely. My hair had lengthened and grown wilder with each passing season until it fell to the middle of my back in careless, carefree spikes, hair that before I only had when the Kyuubi emerged in me. Then my stripes had widened just slightly but big enough to where they now off set my eyes with their sharpness and dark color.

Crawling in my skin

Then the changes affected my eyes themselves. They became heavy lidded and outline in black, like expertly applied eyeliner. The color faded to an even more washed out blue so that even with the jutsu up they were still unnaturally pale. This was only enhanced by my seemingly kohl lined lids. But what scared others and me the most was not the visible yet over looked color change. It was the pupils that scared those that looked at me. Once rounded out like a normal ningen, they were now narrow and slit like a neko or a kitsune. They were creepy even I admitted that. It got to the point that I didn't want to look at myself anymore. I carefully avoided the mirror in my apartment at all costs; least I catch a glimpse of my haunted eyes in the reflective glass.

Today though, as I entered my apartment the first place that I went to was my bathroom mirror. I felt as if something else had changed even though I couldn't put my finger on it at this moment. As I walked towards the mirror I prayed that I would find nothing changed in my appearance, but I somehow knew that I was praying in vain. Sure enough as I approached the mirror I could tell the difference almost immediately and I wondered how I had not noticed them before.

These wounds they will not heal

I had fangs now, only another feature to add to my already inhuman appearance. As if I didn't look feral enough I now had sharp pointy fangs that just winked at me from underneath my top lip. Great just what I needed, another reminder of the fact that I was a youkai! Sighing heavily I leaned forward to brace my arms on the sink and stare hard at my reflection. Instead of seeing myself in that instance I saw what I could and maybe already was becoming.

In the mirror there stood a boy, no a man. Tall and lean, almost unhealthily skinny for someone his age, he was blonde with long wild hair and swarthy tanned skin testifying to time spent in the sun. His eyes were blue almost white, and were outline with black and enhanced by the whisker marks on his cheeks. His eyes were empty, hallow like mine and yet different at the same time, and his lips were drawn back exposing sharp deadly fangs in an evil smirk. But it wasn't the man's eyes or his smirk that garnered my attention; it was his hands and the rest of his body.

He was covered, no saturated in blood. It dripped from his hands and face, was smeared across his mouth and his chest. His tongue flickered out and he licked his lips, smirking in pleasure at the taste of the blood on his mouth. Slowly as I watched, he raised his hand up to his mouth and began to slowly lick the blood from his fingers, all the while seeming to stare at me in amusement. Without realizing it my arm snapped out and my fist collided with the mirror, glass shattering instantly, slicing open my hand and flying everywhere only to cut me on my face adding another scar or three to my collection.

Fear is how I fall

Shuddering, I stared at the remains of my mirror on the sink and the floor. I knew who that man was; I saw him every time the Kyuubi was awake and felt like tormenting me. That fucking kitsune loved to torture me with images of myself covered in blood and enjoying it. Almost as if it hoped to change me into what it truly wanted me to be. A cold-blooded murderous youkai just like it had been. It was working little by little to change me inside and out.

While my appearance may have changed dramatically I refused to become what it wanted me to be in spirit. I would not murder the innocent just because I was too weak to control my inner youkai. This was my burden, my cross to bear. In doing this, in keeping the Kyuubi sealed and taking the torment of the villagers in stride I was repenting for all that had happened and trying to make up for the fact that I had ever been born in the first place. In doing this I was maybe making up for the misery that I must have caused someone in a past life. I refused to shed the blood of the innocent simply to find peace from the youkai within myself. I would not shed blood that was not necessary. I would not give that youkai the satisfaction that would come from knowing that I was broken. I ignored the voice inside my head that said I already had.

Crawling into my bed, I lay there licking my wounds knowing that my saliva would heal them enough to stop the bleeding if not the scaring. I would soon have more slash marks on my hands and arms but not my face. The Kyuubi would heal those; after all he did not want an ugly host since he intended to take over this body some day. Nothing was allowed to mark my face except for the scars that were already there. No those had been a lesson. He had been trying to teach me that he held my life in his hand just as much as I held his. He had offered me unimaginable power in exchange for blood from the villagers. When I had refused he had refused to heal my eye and restore my sight. So as I lay there and tried to get some rest I tried to forget about what had happened out on the training field today. I knew that after today nothing would ever be the same with the team. They would treat me even more different than they already did. Sasuke would treat me different now, and I didn't want to lose what little bit of him I had with me. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget. Maybe when I woke up in the morning this would all be some kind of sick and twisted nightmare.

Confusing what is real

*Back at the training grounds; Sasuke's P.O.V.*

I watched as he went up to Sakura, no doubt to ask her out on another date. It was the same thing everyday. First he would show up late and Sakura would pound him while I watched amused. Then he would pout a little bit before noticing me and challenging me to a fight. I would of course say yes and I would then proceed to beat his ass into the ground. This was by far the best part of my day. The part where the Dobe had his attention completely on me, it made me feel special somehow, as if the sun itself was shining only for me.

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me

Today there had been something different in the air, as if the very earth was sending me an omen that after today things would never be the same. I ignored it not realizing that I would later regret not taking heed to the warning given to me.

He was off today on his left side, more than he normally was. After working with him for so long, I had slowly come to realize that there was something behind the fact that he was handicapped on his left side. If you were just watching from the outside it looked like he was just completely tactless in his attack style. But if you watched him closely and looked at his eyes and his body movements you could tell that he favored using his right side over his left. Anytime he attacked from his left he normally missed by a pretty wide margin. If he had thrown a punch he normally ended up face down in the dirt, if it was a kunai it ended up in a tree thirty feet from his target. But it was all in the eyes. His right eye tended to dart around wildly with all of his movements, following every move of his enemy and his attacks. But his left eye stayed still, glaring straight ahead, unseeing, unmoving, unflinching.

It was enough to unnerve even me at times. When one was in battle it was important to be aware of all of your surroundings at all times. I had never really thought on it before way his left side was always off.

Distracting/reacting

Then something happened that hadn't happened in a long time. Just as he had laid his hand down on Sakura's shoulder and was about to ask her out once again no doubt, she spun around and slapped him so hard that it echoed in the clearing. The look on her face confused me for a second; it was so filled with rage and hatred all directed at Naruto. I had never seen that look on Sakura's face, nor have I ever seen her to hit Naruto so hard, even in her daily chastening of him on his tardiness. I shared a brief glance with Kakashi-sensei and out of mutual agreement we moved closer to the pair in order to hear what was going on. I stared at Naruto as he in turn stared at Sakura, hand still raised with a look of utter confusion on his face until she began to speak. As soon as words began to spill from her lips his face washed over into a mask of utter blankness that I was not aware he knew how to accomplish.

So engrossed was I in my teammates facial features that I missed the first part of what she was saying. I only tuned in when I heard her mention, “Die.” And as I listened to the poison that she spewed forth I had to hold back the urge to walk over and slit her throat, strangle her, anything to stop the out pouring of hate from her vile mouth. I wasn't aware that I was practically growling until Kakashi-sensei gently nudged me in the ribs, and I was just in time to wipe all expression from my face as Naruto turned and looked at us for only a split second before dropping his head in shame.

I was actually on the verge of walking over a slapping Sakura in the face to shut her up, when she suddenly stopped talking and Naruto dropped his hand, his face taking on a look even blanker than before. This time even his eyes were dimmed, something I had once thought impossible to do. I listened as he told Sakura that he knew what he was, and had always known and that he had always lived with the fact. I was aware of my eyes widening and of Kakashi's startled indrawn breath when he spoke of the voice in his head and the presence beneath his skin. He told her of his past, the hatred of even the animals of the village, and when he spoke of Gaara I felt a rush of rage at the pain in his voice.

Against my will I stand beside my own reflection

Then there was a brief flare of chakra and I was aware of Kakashi tensing in preparation of an attack and in that instance I was ashamed of my sensei. How could he actually think that Naruto would harm Sakura? I was fully aware of what it was that he contained inside of him but to me it made no difference. He was the same Naruto that he had always been; just I now had an explanation for some of the weirder things that I had caught him doing. Such as the nesting thing I had stumbled upon last spring, that had been just plain awkward.

It was then that I noticed something different about Naruto. It was in the way that he held himself, as if he was now more vulnerable than I had ever seen him. There was a hunch to his shoulders that had never been there before, or if it had I had never noticed. It was as if something that had always hovered just above his skin was gone, the thing that had often caused me to look at him strangely as something tickled my chakra senses, was now gone.

When he lifted his hand to grab Sakura's I saw the multitude of scars that crisscrossed his arms and hands that had never been there before. And it finally clicked in my head; the thing that had always caught my attention at strange moments had been a henge of some sort used to disguise his true appearance. How had I never noticed it before? This was the reason that sometimes, only sometimes his appearance would flicker and his eyes would fade out. I moved closer to the pair, dimly aware that Kakashi followed me, and even though he didn't turn again I was sure that Naruto was tracking our every movement. I could only stare awe and horror when I saw his face, uncovered by any jutsu for the first time. He was still tanned like he had always been and yet it was different. His eyes were so much paler than they normally were; almost white they were so blue. Outlined in black, they were offset by his whiskers, which seemed so much thicker and more refined at the same time than they had been just a moment before. His face was framed in the same long blonde hair which was apparently one of the only things about himself he had not allowed the jutsu to cover. But what struck me the most was not the hair or the eyes; it was the scars that marred that otherwise perfect visage.

It's haunting how I can't seem...

There running from the top of his eyebrow all the way down his whisker lined cheek. There were four of them, perfect in length and size running straight through his eye and down the bones of his face. They looked almost like claws…? My suspicions were confirmed when he ran Sakura's hand over his face, (I was not jealous damnit!) and told her of the Inuzuka who had set their inu on him as a child. Then it made sense, the fact that he had such horrible aim. He was blind in one eye and yet he still went through life like he could see perfectly. He allowed everyone to treat him like a clumsy idiot in order not to seem more abnormal than he already was. He didn't ask for consideration for his handicap, as a matter of fact I had the feeling that no one besides us now knew about this.

I watched as he ran her hands over other scars and told the story behind them. The set that tore at me the most was the once that he had given himself. I could not believe that I had been so blind back then that I had not even noticed that my own teammate had slit his wrists. Had his life really been so bad that he felt the need to leave it, leave me? Sure I was not blind to the looks of hatred that the rest of the village had given him as we were growing up, but he had always seemed so cheerful and happy, like a bouncy ray of sunshine that I had never considered the fact that he might be depressed.

To find myself again

It was not until later in our life as a team that I had learned of the youkai that he harbored within him and yet I had simply ignored the hate filled stares of the village as unimportant to my life. Now though I was forced to reconsider. The hate of the villagers had forced him to try and commit suicide at such an early age, what would the hate of the villagers added to the new hate of the ones he had once called friends cause him to do? I had almost lost him before I realized that I needed him, I would not take that chance again!! I was not going to lose the one person that was my equal, my other half. The one who completed me in every way there ever was. He was the light to my dark, the yin to my yang and I could not, would not lose him. Damn Sakura and her irrational fears!! Couldn't she see that Naruto was still the same Naruto he had always been? The youkai had always been inside of Naruto so why should the fact that she knew about it now change anything. I think that I was the only one out of the village that treated him the same way after the fact was known as I had before it had been common knowledge. Even Iruka had withdrawn from Naruto now that everyone knew what he was. And even though I would never tell him so, it hurt to see him so blank and calm. He was my sun he was supposed to shine.

My walls are closing in

I watched him tell that bitch that he would die for her…and me if he could and yet he regretted the fact that he could not. It burned so badly to hear him wishing for death, for the ability to leave behind the whole village and everyone in it. It sliced through me that he wanted to leave me along with everyone else. It was like he felt there was nothing to keep him here in this village besides his promise, it was if he didn't realize that I…! It was then that I realized that just how cruel I tended to be to him. It was totally possible that he thought I felt for him the same hatred and rage as the rest of the village. In my own way I had showed him many times that I loved him, it was just not in any way he would recognize.

(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)

When I was lonely I sought him out, when I was hungry I took him out to ramen with me. I stayed with him during missions; hell I even talked to him. I allowed him to touch me when had it been anyone else they would have been missing a finger or a hand. I challenged him to grow stronger with me, for me, so that we could always be together. I gave him a focus for his anger in training and an outlet for his emotions. I gave him everything that I could without him becoming suspicious and yet apparently he was still unsure. I didn't want to come right out and tell him that I loved him; I didn't want to face the possibility of rejection. I know that he loves Sakura or at least I thought he did, but it has seemed as if in these last few years his attention has been elsewhere. Now if I could only figure out who it was that had captured his attention so completely that he would abandon his pursuit of the pink haired kunoichi.

I wanted to be the only one to touch him. I wanted to be the one he went to when he was hurting. I wanted to be the one who held him when he cried, soothed him when his nightmares came while he slept. I wanted to be the only one who comforted him when the Kyuubi tormented his mind. I wanted to be the only one in his world, the only thing he focused all of his attention on. That was one of the reasons that I challenged him to spar all of the time. When we fought he focused solely on me and I loved that feeling. In those moments it was like I was all he saw, as if he couldn't bear to look away from me. Times like that was what made me even more determined to make him notice me. I wanted him to admit that I was everything to him, that his world revolved around me and I was the only one in it. I wanted him to admit that I was everything to him, that I completed him like he completed me. I wanted him to admit that I was more to him besides his best and only friend and rival. I wanted to hear him say the words, to hear him say that he belonged to me and only me. That no other would ever touch him, that he would want no other to touch him except for me. One day I would get what I wanted. One day Naruto would admit to the world that I completed him in a way that no other ever could, that he would stay with me always. Until then I would have to make due with what I had.

I was jerked from my selfish musings when I heard him mention my surname. I think that those words cut me the most. He actually referred to me as Uchiha-san! Not Sasuke, or even Teme. He had called me by my last name in a tone I had never heard before. It was like I could feel him pulling farther and farther away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to scream at him to stay with me, not to leave me here. I watched as he slowly turned and bowing repeatedly asked about training for tomorrow and whether or not he could practice his target skills alone the next day.

I knew that there was no way Kakashi would allow Naruto to work alone without me. If Naruto worked alone then I would be stuck sparring with Sakura while Kakashi read Icha Icha Paradise. That would only impede on my progress as a shinobi and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that Kakashi would no allow that. I was eating my words only moments later as Kakashi agreed to Naruto's preposterous idea. That stupid fuckin scarecrow! Just who in the hell did he think he was? How dare he allow there to be interference in my time with Naruto? The Dobe was my training partner; he trained with me or not at all!

Well I would be damned before he actually got the opportunity to work alone tomorrow. We would just see who did what with whom tomorrow! I would work with my Naruto or Kakashi would taste my Chidori! There was no way in hell I would work with Sakura, she was the one who started all of this anyways. As I watched him walk away from me I felt the sudden need to call him back or go after him. I felt as if something more was going to happen today and that I would not like the results. I shook off the feeling in favor of turning and facing my sensei. I glared at him with such rage that I could feel the Sharingan emerging in my eyes. His eye widened comically as he saw the anger in my gaze, both of us ignoring Sakura and her pathetic and her pathetic sobbing for now.

I've felt this way before

“Why did you agree to allow him to practice alone tomorrow?! He is my partner and he will train with me!” I growled out at the scarecrow.

“Aa Sasuke-kun don't be angry!! He asked and I didn't think that you would mind much. After all you can always spar with Sakura-chan!!”

I heard the sobbing stop momentarily and I snorted mentally. Even after what she had just done she was still so concerned with my actions. She should be glad that I haven't seriously hurt her by now. Truthfully if it weren't for Naruto I probably would have already. This time however I would not spare her feelings. She had not spared his.

“Why would I want to do that? Sakura is weak, she is not worthy enough for me to spare with.”

“And that thing is?!”

So I see even after all of that she still refuses to see him as a person. I turned slightly and looked at her from the corner or my eye; she did not deserve my full attention. “Naruto” I emphasized his name, “is the only one in this village that deserves my attention. Neji was once a close second but no longer. You Sakura are not even worthy to watch me spar nonetheless participate in an actual fight against me. You would not last long enough for me to break a sweat.”

“There is every need to be rude! She will stay away from Naruto and me unless we are on missions. I do not want to see her face unless it is a team meeting or an assignment. Sakura is dead to me now.”

With that I turned my back on her fully. I would no matter what, get my way on this matter. I now had a new mission for tomorrow; get Naruto to open up to me. I would get the Dobe to tell me what was bothering him. I wanted to know so that I could actually help him for once. I didn't want to take the chance of losing him again. I am an Uchiha, and Uchiha's always get what the want, I am no exception.

Naruto would be mine!

So insecure

An: So what do you guys think? This is my very first attempt at a yaoi so I need all the input I can get. This is incase you can't tell a Sasuke/Naruto fic, my very first like I said. So should I continue this or leave it as a one shot about uncertain feelings?