Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto and the Holy Jutsu ❯ Chapter One ( Chapter 1 )

 

Naruto and the Holy Jutsu

 

BY The Rabid Toenail and The Great Homicidal Walrus Fairy

 

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto, nor do we own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, because then we would be millionaires and we'd also be Japanese and English at the same time... and that would be odd.

 

Also, Naruto has a katana for some reason. Wait, there is a reason. Because I SAY SO.

 

 

Naruto “rode” boldly forward, his trusty servant Sakura trailing closely behind, banging two coconuts together to produce a sound similar to that of beating hooves. He was eventually able to discern the shape of a castle through the heavy fog; he and Sakura approached it cautiously. Naruto peered up at the tower, seeing two ninjas standing together.

 

“I am Naruto, the Hokage of Konoha Village! I have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of brave ninjas to bring back to my ANBU at Konoha!”

 

The two ninjas stared down at Naruto, with Sakura at his side. “You haven't been riding; you've no horses! You're just banging two coconut halves together!”

 

Naruto looked at the two coconut halves. “So? I have ridden the length and breadth-”

 

“Besides, coconuts don't grow in temperate zones. The coconut's tropical!”

 

“Sparrows fly south for the winter and rabbits frolic only in the springtime, yet these are not strangers to the fire country.”

 

“ Do you mock theclown society? Do you suggest that coconuts migrate?”

 

“...no. They could be carried... by a swallow,” Naruto murmured deviously, giving a sly smirk.

 

“A swallow couldn't carry a coconut.”

 

“Yes- he could grip it by the husk.”

 

“It's not a matter of where he grips it- it's a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird cannot carry a one-pound coconut!”

 

“Perhaps if two swallows carried it together...” the ninja beside him suggested.

 

“Well, maybe if they strung it together with a line...” the other conceded.

 

Naruto gave a heavy sigh, attributing this loss to the blatant stupidity of the two ninjas. He skipped nimbly away, Sakura following behind him with the coconuts.

 

(H)(o)(l)(y)

 

“Always so pretty

In love with Zabuza

Acupuncturist?” Haku recited, pushing a cart burdened with corpses of dead ninjas down the street.

 

“If you are dead, then come for a ride on my cart! Playing with dead people causes a fluttering in my heart!”

 

Zabuza approached, Gatô slung over his shoulder. He dropped the old man on the cart with a loud thump.

 

“I'm not dead yet!” the man squeaked.

 

Haku turned to Zabuza. “He says he's not dead yet.”

 

“He's lying, obviously.” He stared pointedly at the old man, nudging his body with his foot. “See? He's so dead, he's not alive anymore.”

 

“I'm not dead! I could... I could run a marathon right now!” Gatô puffed. “My pacemaker never holds me back!”

 

“You're not fooling anyone, old man,” Zabuza said. “Look, can't you take him now?”

 

“Only the dead go on the cart,” Haku replied stolidly.

 

“Well, when will you be back?”

 

“Next Thursday.”

 

Zabuza gave the pretty boy a pleading look. “He'll be rotten by then. That'stotally bad

for sanitation... and the environment!”

 

Haku gave the man an appraising glance. After a moment he smiled sweetly and threw acupuncture needles at the back of the old man's head. He crumpled and Zabuza gratefully heaved him onto the cart.

 

“Did anybody ever tell you that you look like a girl?” Zabuza asked, smirking.

 

“Umm... yes. I get that quite a lot.”

 

“Well,I think you look quite manly.”

 

Haku's eyes lit up. “I love you!” he yelled, pouncing on Zabuza. The two fell to the ground just as Naruto and Sakura walked by.

 

“Who's that?” Zabuza asked suddenly.

 

Haku looked up at the blonde-haired man. “Must be the Hokage.”

 

Zabuza sat up; Haku jumped in his lap, wrapping his arms around the man's neck. “Why do you say that?”

 

“He's got an entourage,” Haku explained, gesturing to the pink-haired girl.

 

“One person isn't an entourage!”

 

Haku glared. “Just shut up and kiss me.”

 

Zabuza happily obliged.

 

(h)(o)(l)(y)

 

“Excuse me, Old Female-type Person! I am the Hokage of Konoha! Can you please tell me who the lord of this castle is?”

 

Naruto had continued to ride past the strange town, only to find a castle. Curious, he had decided to ask around to find out who the lord was. He saw an old woman pulling along a cart, and had decided to ask her for details.

 

“Man.”

 

“What?”

 

“I'm a male…type person.”

 

“Oh…right. Terribly sorry. I…have a cold.”

 

“I'm six yeaws owd.”

 

“What?”

 

“I'm only six yeaws owd. That is by no means old.”

 

“Well, I couldn't just call you `man'… or boy, if you're six… or infant.”

 

“No, but you could have called me Shikamaru. And I'm only jesting… which was troublesome, so appreciate it!”

 

“Well, I didn't know that you were called Shikamaru.”

 

“And you didn't even bother to find out now, did you? Man, you're troublesome.”

 

“Look, I'm sorry about thinking you were an old woman, but behind you just look so…voluptuous and effeminate... y'know, for an old woman.”

 

Naruto, with a thoughtful face, had begun to make hand gestures that represented the curves of an old woman's body, even if it didn't really show many curves.

 

“Look, what I have a problem with is that you just automatically treat me like I'm inferior.”

 

“Well, no offense, but I AM Hokage of Konoha. I OWN you.”

 

“Hokage, huh? And how did you come across that title? By beating up small children and stealing their ring pops and Gameboy Advance SPs and fruit cocktails and orangutans and breakfast cereals...” he trailed off, staring into space. A few moments later he snapped back to reality, turning to the Hokage. “If we're ever to make any progress… you will have to buy your own copy of Pokemon Sapphire!”

 

“Shika-chan, there's some lovely filth down here…”

 

Naruto glanced over at the woman who had entered. She didn't look half bad. Wait…nevermind. Saw her face. Suddenly, she began to speak again.

 

“Oh, hello.”

 

“Hello, fair lady! I am Naruto, Hokage of Konoha! Can you tell me who the lord of that castle is?”

 

The woman had begun to pile up filth, while Shikamaru sat on the grass nearby looking bored.

 

“Ho-whatta?”

 

“The HOKAGE of KONOHA.”

 

“What's a Hokage? And where's this…Konoha?”

 

“Well…here,” Naruto pointed to the ground, “And as Hokage, I am the lord and ruler of Konoha.”

 

The woman looked at the spot Naruto had pointed out.

 

“You're the ruler of that spot? That one? On the ground? Where all that fungus is growing?”

 

“Well, yes, I suppose. But I also rule over all of the local lands. And you, being a part of Konoha.”

 

“I didn't know we had a Ho-what's it. I thought we just did whatever we wanted. And collected filth off the ground to throw in that pile over there.”

 

“You're fooling yourself,” Shikamaru interjected, “because we are in a dictatorship where only the upper classes matter. And the pile is over there.”

 

“There you go, bringing class into things and telling me where the pile is.”

 

“The government is so troublesome…”

 

“Umm…pardon me, but I'm in haste. Who is the lord of that freakin' castle!?”

 

“There is no lord of that castle.”

 

“Then who rules over you?”

 

“No one.”

 

At this point the woman and Shikamaru got into quite a lengthy debate over government and the like. Naruto, even though he was the Hokage, was rather confused.

 

“Shut up! Shut up!! I ORDER you to shut up!!”

 

“Oh, order us to shut up, huh? Who do you think you are?” The woman asked.

 

“I am your Hokage!”

 

“Well, I didn't vote for you.”

 

“You don't vote for the Hokage.”

 

“Well then, how did you become Hokage?”

 

 

AN: Review, you reviewing fiends!!!