Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto and the Holy Jutsu ❯ Chapter Five ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter Five

 

In a small tower of a castle, there was a young man and his father. This man loved to sing and play with his bug collection more than anything else, but his father disapproved of what his son enjoyed. It was an unfortunate situation, seeing as how Prince Shino liked to make his bugs perform lovely musicals for the people of the castle. They rather enjoyed them, too.

“One day, daughter... this castle that hovers two centimeters above the ground on a sparkly pink cloud... will be all yours.”

“Everything the light touches?” Shino asked, not bothering to correct his father's mistake in his gender. He was secure enough in his manhood that it didn't bother him anymore, although that was thanks to several hundred hours of intensive therapy and three-hundred fifty-seven banana ice pops.

“Yeeees, Simba.”

“Shino,” the boy corrected.

His father waved his hand nonchalantly. “Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, today you're going to be marrying Princess Hinata...”

“I don't want to marry Princess Hinata,” Shino muttered decisively, crossing his arms over his chest and sticking his tongue out.

“Oh, and why not? She's the most beautiful girl this side of the Mississippi! And she's got huge tracts of land...” his father said, making several obscene gestures off to the side.

“Yeah right. Tsunade-sama has huge tracts of land. Hinata is pathetically average.”

“I mean, real tracts of land. Y'know, like fields and forests with little rivers running through them... land is bloody expensive these days, you know!”

“Oh. But still... she wouldn't be right for my musicals. The girl I marry will help me with the choreography... do you know how hard it is to teach roaches to Electric Slide?”

His father blanched.

“...The girl I marry... must have odd markings on her face... and a love of dogs... and a fur coat that we can snuggle under...” Shino's eyes went wide with hearts.

His father backed away slowly. “Yes, right... well, you're marrying her as soon as the bloody caterers arrive with the bloody cheese crackers and bloody carrot cake... guards!”

Two dim-witted guards entered, standing on either side of the door.

“And no singing! Or dancing! Or gay-type merrymaking of any sort!”

Shino's father approached one of the two guards in the room. He looked like the smarter of the two, considering the other one looked rather dull-witted. ”I want you to make sure my son stays in here. And that he doesn't sing. Or make his...bugs perform in musicals.”

The guard shook his head in confirmation. “Alright. Make sure he stays here and sings. And be SURE to make his bugs dance in musicals.”

“No, no! I want you to make sure he stays here and doesn't sing and make his bugs dance in musicals.”

“Oh, okay. I got it this time. Make sure he doesn't leave, sing, or make his bugs dance.”

“Right.”

“Yes sir!”

Shino's father left the room, glancing back at Shino briefly to make sure he didn't start singing. Or making his creepy bugs dance. The guard dutifully watched over Shino.

Shino's eyes darted from one guard to the other before he turned around, grabbed a piece of paper and pen, and conspicuously began writing a letter, staring at the guards all the while. The two smiled brightly at him. Shino stabbed himself with a protractor, watching as little ladybugs streamed from the cut. He leaned down, whispering conspiratorially to them before placing the letter on top of their many backs. “Go, little buggies!” he called, watching them leave. “Fly, fly!”

Meanwhile, Kiba the brave and Kankurou, his trusty servant, were walking down a nice path. They came to a creek, leaving Kankurou in the difficult position of having to make just right the sounds of horse hooves slowing down and then leaping across a long distance before touching down again. Kiba didn't seem to appreciate his efforts in the slightest, unfortunately. It made Kankurou sad, but only on the inside.

And so, while trying to get the coconut-bangings timed just right, Kankurou was attacked by a swarm of deadly insects! All right, so they were just some really cute ladybugs carrying a letter. But Kankurou didn't seem to realize that, and fell over.

“Kiba... Kiba, I fear I may be dying...” Kankurou said, his voice raspy, as he stretched a hand pathetically to the brave ninja, hoping to gain a fleeting moment of his Ninja-In-Shining-Body-Paint's attention.

“Oh? Really?” Kiba looked over to his servant, but found his vision obstructed by the flying bugs. “Oh, cool! Little buggies! ...oh, have you got a letter for me?” His dog, Akamaru, jumped from his jacket and began doing a little jig. “We just got a letter, we just got a letter! We just got a letter, wonder who it's from?” Kiba sang loudly, taking the letter and opening it up, his eyes quickly perusing its contents.

“Warm-hearted royal with a love for music and insects seeking a single person who has strange markings on his/her face, has a love for dogs, and a fur coat for us to cuddle under! If interested, find me at Pink, Fluffy Cloud Castle. Young house painters need not apply,” Kiba read aloud. “Oh, it must be a match made in Naruto yaoi fanfiction heaven! Not that I'm presuming a man wrote this, oh no! Well, Kankurou, this is bound to lead us to the holy jutsu! You shall not have died in vain, my trusted and quite personal servant!” With that, Kiba began running off to the quite flamboyant castle, Akamaru nipping at his heels and an exciting drum solo playing in the background.

“I'm not dead yet, sir...” Kankurou rasped miserably.

Kiba stopped and looked back at Kankurou. “Well, okay then. You...uh...shall not have been attacked and mortally wounded by a swarm of evil, Satan-possessed ladybugs in vain!”

Kankurou just looked at him.

“All right, so you just stay here and rest a bit, ne? I'll...uh...go rescue this...person, and then I'll come back for you.” Kiba had starting running off again.

Kankurou sighed. “Honestly now, this is ridiculous. Why? ALL THE CHILDREN LOVE ME!! Why?! WHY!?!”

All Kiba heard was that all of the children love Kankurou...To be honest, he knew the story from the children's perspective, and they definitely did not love him. They were kinda scared. Unless he was talking about the children. Wasn't there another one on the way?

In the distance, you could still hear Kankurou screaming, “THE BABY IS KICKING! HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO GO!! FEED THE CHILDRENS! I WILL BE ALL UP ONS! EVERYBODY LOVES FUUCANDY! BARS! FUUCANDY BARS!”

Kiba just kept running.

(h)(o)(l)(y)

Princess Hinata was a cute, pathetically average young woman. Having been finished with the preparations for her wedding four hours ago, she was standing around idly, talking to some girls about her cousin.

“He was killed and eaten a few days ago. He was such a good man...Anyway, they had accused him of being an Akatsuki, and so they had to see if he tasted like shish-kebobs. Of course, he tasted the same as all Hyuugas. Like pumpkin pie and kapusta...” Just at that moment, a man with a puppy nipping at his heels came running through, stealing people's shoes as he passed.

The guests screamed as their shoes were ripped viciously from their unsuspecting feet and a small, large-mouthed puppy ran under women's dresses.

“...I wonder who that could be...” Hinata said, watching as Kiba ran through the castle doors with a yell and a jump.

“...what's with the pink clouds?” Kiba asked as he landed on the floor.

Kiba ran quickly through the castle and up the stairs, calling, “Anyone send out a personal a little while ago?” When no one answered, he continued on and eventually reached a staircase going up to a lofty tower.

“Milady/man, I am Kiba the brave of the Konoha ANBU! I received... y'know, a personal ad of some interest... could it be you who sent it?” he asked, finally looking up to see a boy/man in a funny coat and sunglasses. Several insects were dancing on the table beside him, humming Rocky Horror songs.

Shino looked at Kiba. “...you have odd facial markings...”

Akamaru barked as he finally caught up with Kiba. “...and an apparent love for dogs...”

Shino stepped forward, his fingers gliding to rest on the furry collar of Kiba's jacket. “And a furry jacket we can cuddle under!”

“Uh... umm... you're a man?” Kiba asked curiously, squinting at Shino's jacket.

Shino nodded.

“Awright, Shino! Let's you and I mate right now!”

Shino's father suddenly walked in. “What's this about copying awkward lines from translated Yuugiou manga chapters?”

“Umm... well, see, your son was advertising himself...”

“Fajah, I am in love! Therefore, I can't marry Princess Hinata!”

“Oh, yes you can! You can just have an affair on the side!”

Shino turned teary eyes to his father. “Nooooooooo!” he cried, in a high tenor. “Loooooove is only for twooooooo, not for threeeeee or four or fiiiiive, but for twooooooooooo of the most in love people aliiiiiive!”

“Noooooooo singing!” his father cried, throwing his hands to the sky. Then he turned to Kiba. “...Do you have huge tracts of land?”

Kiba glanced down at his chest. “Umm... no. But I'm an ANBU from Konoha! And I'm on a divine quest and stuff...”

“Oh, really?” Shino's father asked excitedly. “Well, then, you can certainly marry Shino!”

“Well... uhh... isn't it a little early to be getting married?” Kiba asked nervously. “I only met the guy five minutes ago!”

“Aww, but it's been so hard to marry Shino off! I mean, the kid has a bug fetish!”

“Then get him to marry the girl he's already marrying!”

“...But Kiiiiiiiibaaaa, I only have eyes for youuuuuuuuu!” Shino sang, his hands clasped together and eyes sparkly with tears, although no one could see them under his sunglasses.

“Well, yeah... as soon as I find the holy jutsu, I'll come back here and then we'll get married.”

“Yay!” Shino said. His bugs were square dancing together, they were so happy.

Shino's father rolled his eyes. “Well, this is just great. The caterers just arrived and everything, and now you decide to marry someone else...”

“Aw, c'mon Kiba, at least feed me some wedding cake before you go!”

Kiba looked around suspiciously before turning back to Shino. “Oh... all right.”

“And then, and then, and theeeeen... I can borrow Hinata's wedding dress and you can borrow my tuxedo and we can get married!”

Kiba sweat-dropped. “I thought we already went over this...”

“Kiba, let's try it! You love me, don't deny it!” Shino sang, slipping easily into a bass part.

“Say I do, I do, I do!” his bugs sang, flying over to Kiba's shoulder, holding hands, and doing the electric slide with quite a lack of rhythm.

“Oh, fine,” Kiba sighed.

Kankurou was quite surprised to find his beloved Kiba a married man when he had finally managed to limp to the castle.

“HOW? WHAT? KIBA, OUR CHILDRENS!” Kankurou cried, patting his stomach, where he had a puppet hidden under his shirt, which gave the impression that Kankurou would very soon give birth to an asymmetrical, lumpy baby. He would be named Karasu.

Shino blinked. “Childrens?”

Kiba gave an aggravated sigh. “We haven't got any childrens.” He turned to his servant. “Kankurou, what did I tell you about boys?”

“Umm... err...” Kankurou looked down at his feet. “...they can't have childrens.”

“Riiiiiiight. Good job.” Kiba patted him on the head. “You get a fuucandy bar.”

Kankurou's eyes lit up. “Yay!” he cried. “Everybody loves fuucandy bars!”

“Umm... right,” Shino mumbled. “The bride is seriously waiting for his kiss over here.”

Meanwhile, Hinata was watching. “...I do think that dress would look better on a full-figured man...” she mumbled, putting her hand to her mouth.

Several pictures were hastily snapped as Kiba and Shino kissed. Kiba grinned as he stepped back. “Bugbreath.”

Shino stuck out his tongue.

“Well, my love, I must be off! Do be a good buggy-boy while I'm gone!”

“Oh, yes! Yes, I will!” Shino cried. “But I never said I'd lie and wait forever!”

“Umm... yeah, OK. It shouldn't take that long.”

“Well, goodbye, my beloved husband!” Shino called and Kiba walked off with Kankurou in tow, waving a handkerchief.

“Uh, same to you...”

Kiba continued on his journey, walking merrily through fields where the grass had quite possibly never been cut, until he realized something. “Damn,” he muttered.

 

“What?” Kankurou asked as he licked fuucandy bar chocolate from his fingers.

“...Now I can't do dirty things with youanymore...” he said sadly.

“Well, that's what you get for reading the personals,” Kankurou sad derisively.

“If you don't watch it, I'll take your fuucandy away!”

Kankurou's eyes shook with fright as he held his candy tightly. “Noooo! The childrens must eat!” he cried, running to hide in the forest ahead of them.

“...Idiot. Sexy idiot...” Kiba said thoughtfully.

 

AN: Fuucandy! Bars! …don't ask about that. Just review and ignore your confusion. Mwa ha ha.