Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto and the Holy Jutsu ❯ Chapter Four ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Naruto and the Holy Jutsu

Chapter Four

And so the ANBU of Konoha departed off, each following their own paths. Brave Sir Chouji ventured off to the north, in the dark and spooky Forest of Death...With him, he brought his favorite minstrel. Well, not his favorite, really. She was the only one available.

To supposedly make the journey more enjoyable, the minstrel began to sing a song, celebrating Chouji's brave personality and his love for food.

“Large and plump Sir Chouji
Left, away from Konoha.
He was not afraid to die,
Large, plump Sir Chouji!
He was not afraid to starve.
Fat, fat, fat Sir Chouji.
He was not in the least bit scared to lose his mashed potatoes.
Or to lose his barbeque and potato chips!
To have his stomach eat itself and never eat again.
And life be foodless forever and ever, large Sir Chouji.
His tongue cut out and his stomach removed,
He would never be able to enjoy food again,
Brave, Fat Sir Chouji!
And his-“

Ino was cut off from her merry song by a quite anxious Sir Chouji.

“That's...That's enough, thanks. I think I'll be fine without anymore of your jests at my weight...”

Unfortunately, Chouji's interruption of Ino's song was...interrupted.

“Halt! Who are you, trying to get the best of me?”

In front of Chouji and his minstrel there was a two headed man with a broom (with a face drawn on it, of course) duct taped onto his back. Shoulder. You know, that place. So it looked like that broom was a third head. I mean, it was a third head, of course, but it had some trauma when they were a child.

“Umm...” Chouji managed to squeak out. How fearsome. A two headed man and a broom! This situation was bad.

“ `Ummm'? Is that all you have to say to the fearsome Sakon, Ukon, and Other?” To be perfectly honest with you, Sakon was the only one around. One head, Ukon, was asleep, and the other was a flippin' broom. A broom named Other.

“Other,” the main one, named Sakon, inquired with the accent of a Southern Belle, “What do you think of this?”

“Well,” Sakon still said, only with an Australian accent, “I think that we should eat them.”

“Eat them?” still said by Sakon, only French this time,” That's disgusting! Cannibalism is frowned upon!”

“What are you talking about, Ukon?” Other asked.

“I'm saying that it is improper for us to even think about eating these people.”

“Why? We eat Akatsuki,” Sakon added.

“Well, that's different. Akatsuki aren't people; they're walking diseases.” Ukon said with an air of knowledge.

“So, the fact that they're walking diseases means that we can eat them?” Other asked

“Yes,” Ukon replied.

“What kind of disease are we talking about here?” Sakon asked amusedly.

“Yeah. Are they STD's, or terminal...” Other could have gone on and on.

“All sorts,” Ukon was growing tired of this game, and it was obvious.

“So you're telling me that it's okay to eat things like Syphilis and...” Sakon was cut off by Chouji's interjection.

“Ummm...” Chouji said meekly.

“Just a moment,” The man continued to argue with his heads, “...and Cancer? And stuff like that?”

“Only if it's an Akatsuki,” Ukon said, quite unenergetically.

“But it would still be eating a disease,” Sakon declared.

“Yes, but that disease would be an Akatsuki,” This needed to be over. The fat guy was running away.

“Oh...” Other had finally figured it out.

“Do you finally grasp the concept?” He knew he shouldn't have asked it.

“Not really,” Other wasn't one for grasping things, seeing as he was a broom and all.

“They're the ones that taste like shish-kebabs, right?” Sakon asked jokingly.

“Yes. Yes they are. Thanks for starting this. Thanks a lot.”

“Uh, you guys?” Other had noticed something.

“What?”

“Where'd that fat guy and annoying girl go?” He asked. He really wanted to eat them.

“They ran off, like, five minutes ago.” Ukon was glad to be rid of them, anyway. He knew that they were probably going to end up eating them with tea or something. He wasn't very fond of tea, thanks to an incident where Sakon's ex had thrown a cup full of steaming tea at them and it had all landed on his head.

“Oh well,” Sakon said after a sigh and a long pause, “I don't think they had any diseases anyway.”

Chouji couldn't believe what he had just survived. That was the legendary (Only in the small area of Worchenburgvilleshire, Connecticut) Three-Headed-Guy! That was scary.

To celebrate their survival, Ino began to sing again, a delightful smile on her face. “Fat Sir Chouji ran away!”

“No I didn't.”

“Like a chicken ran away, away...”

“No! It was a tactical retreat!”

“After seeing the guy with three heads,

Fat Sir Chouji will wet his bed...”

“Look, ANBU need to protect their assets! That guy was mad messed up! Who knows what he would have done?”

“It doesn't matter what you say,

You're a fat coward anyway...”

Chouji was getting angry at her now. “Shut up! I miss Shikamaru...He was a WAY better minstrel than you!”

“Fat fat fat fat fat

Plump, fat, portly

Larger than the rest Sir Chouji!”

Chouji had decided to do the manly thing and ignore her. “God I hate you, Ino...” Ino just giggled and followed obligingly.

Meanwhile, not very far away at all, Sasuke and Naruto discovered something. They were...in love.

(H)(o)(l)(y)

Kakashi was not a happy camper. Rain poured down on his head (completely ruining his hair, which he had spent four hours gelling, spraying and mousse-ing), thunder boomed overhead, and lightning had just struck a spot five inches away from his shoe. The howling of the wind was so loud that he couldn't hear himself shouting for help, never mind anyone else hearing.

But then, like divine intervention, the lightning struck violently several hundred yards away, illuminating a large castle. At the top was burning a jutsu-shaped beacon. How did Kakashi know it was jutsu-shaped?

“I've seen a lot of jutsus in my time,” Kakashi said haughtily, striding up to the heavy doors. “OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR!” He yelled, pounding against the door in a most undignified manner. “IN THE NAME OF NARUTO, OPEN THE DO—!”

The door creaked slowly open. “Hello!” squeaked an awfully attractive girl with blonde pigtails, who consequently looked too much like Naruto for comfort. “Welcome, gentle ninja. Welcome to the Castle Rankoupaatii.”

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. “Is that indicative of something?”

“Hmm…?” Naruko asked, blinking coquettishly.

The ninja coughed. “You're the ones who have the Holy Jutsu?”

“Hunawha?”

“The Jutsu. You've been hiding it here this whole time. You buggers, why couldn't you have sent us ANBU a memo or something? The whole bloody country knows we're—” Kakashi looked down at the hand that was stroking his shoulder. He swallowed uncomfortably.

“You must be tired,” Naruko said silkily, her other hand coming to rest on Kakashi's cheek. “And the beds here… are warm and soft and… very, very large…”

“And square?” Kakashi asked dreamily, hardly caring that he was blushing like mad.

“That can be arranged.” Then Naruko backed away, smoothing out her skirt. It was a miniskirt, by the way. An orange miniskirt. “So, what is your name, handsome ninja?”

“I am Kakashi… the Chaste.”

“Oh?” she giggled. “Well, I'm Naruko. Naruko the not-so-chaste-anymore-since-I-met-Sasuko.”

Kakashi blinked. “Look, please! In Kyuubi's name, show me the jutsu!”

“Ah, but you are delirious! You must rest now,” Naruko said, leading Kakashi up a set of stairs.

“No, no! I saw it! Really!”

“Well, you know… maybe that one eye is tired of compensating and you just can't see clearly anymore.”

“I'm not blind!”

“Ah, but you must stay. We get company so infrequently… all eight score of us will want to attend to you personally.”

“There are that many girl Narutos running around?” Kakashi asked, perplexed, as Naruko opened a door and ushered him inside. Kakashi stared suspiciously around. The bed was, in fact, very, very big—and also square. But someone was already lying on it. Someone wearing only a very small pair of shorts. Someone reading Icha Icha Paradise.

“You look familiar. Did I dance with you once upon a dream?” Suddenly, realization hit. Obito!” Kakashi yelled. “I thought you'd kicked the bucket! I mean, you got squashed by that gigantic rock or twenty and then you gave me your pretty red sharingan…”

“Shh!” Obito said, pressing a finger to his lips and doing his best impression of Gwen Stefani.

“Hey, Obito… I think that there bed belongs to me.”

“Oh no, Kakashi. This herebed belongs to us,” Obito said sexily.

“Oh, don't mind him,” Naruko said, giving Kakashi a push and causing him to plop down on the bed. “He's just the doctor.”

“D-doctor? But he's got no shirt on! And he's wearing short shorts! And he's dead. ”

“Don't judge me.”

“Oh. Sorry. I have a cold.”

“So, you do need a doctor,” Obito said, a predatory gleam in his eyes.

“What? No! I was just playing off a joke in a previous chapter! I don't really have a cold!”

“Oh, I think you do.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Several minutes later, Obito was sitting on Kakashi's stomach. He had gone back to reading Icha Icha Paradise.

“Is that a good book?” Kakashi asked boredly.

“Why yes. It's very good.”

“So read it to me. I'm sleepy.”

“…This is definitely not the kind of book that puts you to sleep.”

“I don't care. Read it anyway.”

“Well, if you insist…” Obito said, shrugging, and began to read aloud the cheesy, flowery porn known as Icha Icha Paradise.

“Oh, my… oh, my… NO! I have sworn myself to chastity!” Kakashi cried.

“Oh, come on, don't be such a baby. It's only foreplay. And besides, you were the one that wanted it. It was my duty as a Medic to oblige.”

“I thought you were a doctor.”

“You're worried about stupid stuff like that? There's no real difference.”

“Sure there is, you little silly.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Obito got closer to Kakashi's face.

“A doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable while they die.”

“No, that's only in Red vs. Blue,” Obito moved away from Kakashi.

“Oh? Well, in that case...” Kakashi pushed Obito off of him and ran out the door. Obito grinned. “Good luck with your chastity and all that.”

Unfortunately for Kakashi's chastity, he had run into the bathroom. In the bathroom, many girl Narutos and Sasukes were bathing. Bathing = wearing no clothes. Kakashi didn't know whether he should run or take the time to drool, and then run. He was going with the latter.

“Konnichi wa.”

“OHAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!” A particularly busty Naruko shouted gleefully, waving.

“Naruko!” Kakashi yelled, running up to her. “Naruko, Naruko! Where is the jutsu! I'm begging you!”

“Umm? Who are you, sexy ninja?”

“We met earlier, remember? I'm Kakashi! And you've been doing naughty things with Sasuko!”

“Nope. I think you must have met someone else. I'm Naruko number 58. But even if I'm not who you're looking for, you're welcome to hang out with me for a while.” Naruko batted her eyelashes suggestively. Praise to the Jedi Kakashi was forced to wear his chastity belt. You know, to make sure he followed through with the chaste thing.

“No, no, I think I'll just leave…” Kakashi backed away slowly toward the door.

“Oh… oh, wait! Good ninja! I didn't recall until just now, but... the beacon on our castle is jutsu-shaped!”

“Yes. I know that. I've been talking about that the whole flippin' time!”

“So it's not really a jutsu. It's a beacon.”

“Oh.”

“It works quite well. Questing ninjas come here all the time… and then when they're finished with their quest, they come back for more… tee-hee.”

Kakashi coughed.

“Have you got a cold?” Naruko asked, concerned.

“NO!” Kakashi bellowed.

“Oh. Well, all right. Anyway, there is a punishment for lighting the jutsu-shaped beacon.”

“Punishment?”

“Yes. It involves a hot-tub and the fabulous board-game Clue...and spankings.”

“Curious…”

“And the punishment must be administered by a brave, attractive young ninja… just like yourself! Oh, it is my lucky day!”

Kakashi began trying to edge away, not liking where this seemed to lead.

“Of course, since all us Narukos look the same… I suppose you'll have to spank us all!”

“Eh heh…”

“And then of course the Sasukos would be jealous, so you'd have to do the same to them.”

“Of course.”

“And after the spankings, you may do as you like with us.”

Several Narukos were milling around curiously, watching the proceedings with rapt attention.

“Of course, I get dibs on first spanking.”

“NOOOOOO!” All the other Narukos yelled, tearing at their pigtails and crying.

“…and after all this comes…?” Kakashi asked, interested.

“Well… you, I'd hope.”

Kakashi blanched.

“And then is the…” Naruko looked around suspiciously, before standing on tiptoe to whisper conspiratorially in Kakashi's ear.

“Oh ho ho… maybe I can stay the night… I am incredibly weary. Questing sure takes it out of you.”

“Oh, but to spank all of us, you'd have to stay for quite a few nights,” Naruko insisted.

“Well, I do have a cold.”

Just then, Kiba burst through the front door. “Hello,” Kakashi said.

Kiba rushed up the stairs, grabbed Kakashi's hand, and proceeded to `rescue' him. “Quick! We must escape!”

“…why? There's nothing dangerous here.”

“Oh, yes there is! There is peril everywhere!” Kiba said, gesturing widely at Naruko's chest.

“I'm fine. Really. You can let go now. I'll get in touch with you next week.”

“Come on! You must escape!”

Kakashi looked around at the girls. “I think I can take them.”

“…I sense quite a bit of double entendre there, Kakashi.”

“Yes! Let him take us!”

“No, you must go.”

“I can tackle this lot easily. There's only a hundred-fifty of them!”

The Narukos collapsed on the floor in various and sundry suggestive positions. “Oh, yes! We haven't a chance, you see!”

A boy strode through the crowd of girls on the floor, looking around curiously. “What's going on here?”

“I'm rescuing poor Kakashi from these foul temptresses—” Kiba began, but was cut off by Kakashi.

“I DON'T NEED RESCUING!”

“I- I agree wholeheartedly.”

“Who are you?”

“I'm Iruka.”

“Nice hot pants you got there,” Kiba complimented. “They're very becoming on you.”

“Why, thank you,” Iruka said, blushing.

“I daresay they'd look much nicer on the floor,” Kakashi said.

Kiba looked down at him. “Right. Time to go,” he said, lifting Kakashi and throwing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Then he strode out the door, slamming it loudly behind him.

There was the loud sound of many, many curses accompanying their leave. “Oh, well,” a Naruko sighed, taking a Sasuko's hand. “Let's go… upstairs.”

“Oh yes.”

Meanwhile, Kiba and Kakashi were arguing animatedly while Kiba's entourage walked alongside. “Thank goodness—we were just in the nick of time. You were in great peril.”

“Was not,” Kakashi said, sticking his tongue out indignantly.

“Oh, yes. Yes you were.”

“You should just let me go and face the peril. Seriously.”

“No. I'm sorry, but it's much too perilous.”

“Isn't it the duty of an ANBU to sample as much peril as he can?”

“Not that kind of peril.”

Kakashi crossed his arms angrily. “You want me all to yourself, don't you?”

“Oh? Oh yes,” Kiba said flatly.

Kakashi huffed. Then he made a mental note to buy Icha Icha Paradise the next time they were near a bookstore.

And that was how Kakashi became Kakashi the not-so-chaste-as-he-was-before.

AN: This chapter is much longer than normal. It was very troublesome, so you'd better appreciate it! --;; My brain is broken. Goodnights. Badnights. Mediocrenights.

Kohaku: I'm not a ninja!

Cuuute.

Ahem.

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