Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto and the Holy Jutsu ❯ Chapter Three ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three

 

“Let's go on a quest!” Naruto said cheerfully the next morning.

 

“What kind of quest?” Kiba the Brave asked excitedly.

 

“A quest to find a quest!” the Hokage declared proudly. It was the best idea he'd had in quite a while.

 

“Umm… OK.” Kiba mumbled.

 

Suddenly the sky opened up, angels sang, and a nine-tailed fox appeared. It lounged on the clouds above them, smirking lazily down at the ground. “Naruto, Hokage of Konoha!”

 

“Who? Me?” Naruto asked, looking around.

 

“I don't see any other blonde idiots named Naruto around here,” Sasuke said.

 

“You shut up,” Naruto hissed, turning angrily to face Sasuke and almost bumping noses with him.

 

“Ooh, he's all up ons,” Kabuto said loudly before running to hide behind some large purple bushes. Sasuke and Naruto were about to chase after him so as to beat him up and steal his shoes, but they were stopped by an angry voice behind them.

 

“Hello! I'm talking here!” Kyuubi growled. “Stupid disrespectful questing ninjas…”

 

“Oh… what were you saying?” Naruto asked, turning away from Sasuke.

 

“I am charging you with a divine quest! A quest to find the holy jutsu!”

 

“Oh, wow! That's really great, Kyuubi! We were just looking for a quest, and then you show up and start handing out quests like religious pamphlets… are you a Witness?” Naruto asked suddenly, narrowing his eyes.

 

The Kyuubi rolled its eyes.

 

“Oh, right. I think that might have been an asinine question… hee hee.”

 

(H)(o)(l)(y)

 

Naruto and his ANBU squad approached a castle on top of a hill. There were now too many ninjas for Sakura to bang coconuts for, and so several of the ninjas had brought along their own personal servants to do the job. Kiba the brave's servant, Kankurou, walked behind the group banging his own coconuts together.

 

“…Cupcakes?” Sasuke muttered curiously, sniffing at the air.

 

The ninjas came to a stop in front of the castle. Naruto stared up at the man who was guarding it, calling, “We're on a quest to find the holy jutsu! In exchange for the night's shelter, we will allow your lord to join us on our quest.”

 

”Oh? I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be too keen… you see, he's already got one!” the man shouted back.

 

“Already got one?” Kakashi asked incredulously. “That's impossible! I mean, he might have a quest, but it won't be nearly as good as ours.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Mind your potatoes, you silly kkkkkkkkkk-ninjas!”

 

Sasuke's eyes widened impossibly. “ITACHI! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN BEAT YOU UP AND STEAL YOUR SHOES!”

 

Itachi stuck his tongue out in response. “Your mother was a capybara and your father smelled of pork and beans…”

 

“They're your parents too!” Sasuke retorted, crossing his arms over his chest. “And Dad couldn't help the way he smelled! No matter how many times he bathed, the pork and bean odor just wouldn't go away…”

 

“Did people wonder who was cooking when he walked down the street?” Kiba asked incredulously.

 

Naruto sighed, putting a hand on Sasuke's shoulder to stop him from doing anything stupid. Then he turned back to Itachi. “Isn't there anyone else we can talk to?”

 

“No, you Daughters of the American Revolution!”

 

“Excuse me! I'm a daughter of the Seven Years' War!” Chouji yelled.

 

“Well, I'm a daughter of the War of Austrian Succession,” Kiba the Brave put in boldly. Several people behind him went `Ooh!'.

 

“Now be off, you minions of the Lord of the Dance!” Itachi yelled, ignoring their conversation.

 

“You're the one who took ballet until you were seventeen!” Sasuke yelled back. “Let go of me, Naruto; let go!”

 

Naruto sighed, watching as Sasuke ran forth, promptly trying to scale the slippery castle walls. With every attempt, the black-haired ninja slid back down.

 

Itachi laughed mockingly. “Cho co co co co co co! You have been foiled, oh man close of kin and small of stature! Now be gone or I shall taunt you a second time!”

 

“Now, this is outrageous! We've been charged with a friggin' divine quest! I mean, that's the best kind!”

 

Itachi muttered something to a man that Naruto and his ANBU couldn't see. Sasuke assumed his brother was merely talking to himself, as older brothers are wont to do.

 

“If you don't let us inside—” Naruto began, but was cut off by something landing on his head. His eyes traveled slowly up to where a wet leg rested on his forehead. The blonde gasped excitedly. “Gamakichi!” he cried.

 

A “rabbit” was heard before several thousand more wet wrigglies rained down on them and they were forced to make a hasty retreat. “Kyuubi!” Naruto swore, glancing at his ANBU. “Charge?” he asked feebly.

 

All save Kiba the Brave shook their heads vehemently. Kiba, meanwhile, was already attempting to charge and getting several frogs on the head for his trouble.

 

“Right! RUN AWAY!” Naruto yelled, flailing around and waving his arms as he ran away from the castle to hide in some convenient bushes. He was soon joined by Sasuke.

 

“Grr… that Itachi…”

 

Naruto stared at the black-haired boy curiously. “Hey Sasuke… aren't you supposed to be a genius?”

 

“No, that's Shikamaru.”

 

“Oh.” Naruto's face fell. “But… you're at least smarter than me, right?”

 

“Everyone's smarter than you, Naruto.”

 

The blonde glared. “So! It's up to you to make a plan!”

 

“You mean… you want to go back there? Naruto, I don't think Chouji can take any more taunting,” Sasuke said, looking pointedly at the panting ninja on the ground a few feet away.

 

“You will make a plan, Sasuke! A good one!”

 

The other gave a heavy sigh. “Oh, all right. But don't be surprised if you're too dense to understand the true beauty of my plan!”

 

(H)(o)(l)(y)

 

“So, uhh… tell me how this works again.”

 

“Kiba, Kakashi and I… will wait in the weasel until nightfall… and then we will jump out once they're all drunk… and I WILL KILL ITACHI!!!”

 

Naruto looked over at the castle doors, where a large wooden weasel was being taken inside the fortress. Itachi was looking at it with hearts in his eyes.

 

“So… what are you doing again? Who's going to be hiding in that very attractive weasel?”

 

“WEASELS ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE!” Sasuke yelled, outraged.

 

Naruto gave a cough. “Each to his own, Sasuke-kun. Now… You're going to be coming out of that weasel?”

“Kiba, Kakashi, and I… oh, never mind…” Sasuke muttered. “You'd never understand someone as intelligent as me…” he said, sweat-dropping.

 

“Riiiiiight.”

 

“Really! That plan was ingenious! Any moment now, those ninjas up there are going to be wetting their pants in fear!”

 

“Yup. I'm just imagining it now… in my head… since it's never actually going to happen.”

 

“Shut up, you bully!” Sasuke pushed Naruto so that he fell back into the bushes, although of course Naruto had to yank Sasuke down with him.

 

“Hello Sasuke,” Naruto said, batting his eyelashes at the black-haired boy. “How you doin'?”

 

Sasuke flushed as much as he could. Which was, surprisingly, a lot. “Stupid Naruto.”

 

“…these bushes are rather uncomfortable…” Naruto murmured, squirming to find a better place to lean and coincidentally causing a very curious trail of red to spurt from Sasuke's nose. “What is it, Sasuke? Did you walk into a wall?”

 

“RUN AWAY!” Sasuke yelled suddenly, disentangling himself from the blonde and beating a hasty retreat.

 

Naruto smirked as a large wooden weasel landed a few feet away.

 

“I guess Sasuke does think weasels are attractive…”

 

(H)(o)(l)(y)

 

“Take three-hundred fifty-seven. Go…” a voice said unenthusiastically.

 

A very old man stood in a field. “Defeat at the fortress disheartened Hokage Naruto terribly. Because of the ninja's ferocious taunting, Naruto, with the help of a few of his closest ANBU, decided that they should split up so as to search individually for the most holy jutsu. This is what they did: Kakashi the chaste—”

 

The cameraman, so frustrated with the old man's constant mistakes that led to do-overs of the scene, leapt forward, attacking Sarutobi with a loud, “AHHHHHH!” Poor Sarutobi crumpled to the ground with a spurt of tomato juice.

 

His wife ran up as hurriedly as a very ancient woman could. “Frank! Wait, wait! I mean… umm… Chuck? No, that's not it… Bob! Erm… eh… SARUTOBI!”

 

Sarutobi glared angrily at his wife. “How many people have you been sleeping with?”

 

“You're supposed to be dead!” his wife cried out, blushing, as she threw a kunai at him.

 

Sarutobi gave the ground another half-hearted spurt of tomato juice.

 

 

 

AN: Hello! This chapter is slightly shorter than normal… but deal with it. Itachi was here, and so that makes up for it. Mrew. And also… there was SasuNaru. Tee-hee. Everyone loves SasuNaru.

 

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