Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Naruto: The Musical ❯ Part 1 (Out of 5) ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

“Hurry! We have to get there before Orochimaru or Itachi, or we're all toast!” Tsunade shouted as the huge group of heroes pelted for the strange structure before them. It was hard to believe that so many had come to help: Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, Iruka (dragged along by the copy ninja), Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Gai, Rock Lee, Neji, Tenten, Hinata, Kiba, Shino, Ibiki, Anko (determined to stop Orochimaru at all costs), Jiraiya, and Tsunade (Obviously). They were all following an ANBU squad.

“Wait up, you stupid leaf ninja!” To everyone's shock, two figures burst out of the nearby forest, “You're gonna need our help if you want to stop both of those maniacs!”

Kankuro was gasping slightly as he said this, but Temari didn't seem winded in the slightest.

“Wait a minute!” Naruto frowned. “Where's the brow-less wonder?”

“Say that… to my face…you…git…” came a blood-chilling voice. A few moments later, Gaara of the Desert, leader of Sunagakure, dragged himself out of the woods. He looked exhausted.

“Gaara-san! Are you all right?” Lee went to his side, concerned.

“You try sprinting for two days with this on your back,” he jerked his thumb back to point at the gourd he carried, not at all the vicious retort he might have made almost three years ago.

“Actually, that sounds like a good training method!” Gai boomed. “Lee! Perhaps you can train with this carrot-head on our way back!”

“I'm a what?” Gaara hissed, his eyes glinting.

“HELLOOOO!!!!” Anko snapped, “TIME'S A-WASTING!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!!”

Gaara groaned and forced himself to his feet. Lee, ever the gentleman, gave him a hand.

“On the contrary,” the taijutsu specialist murmured to his old enemy, “I find your hair color most suitable for your complexion.”

“Ah… thanks?”

YES!!! Lee cheered in his head, YES!!! GAI SENSEI, HE THANKED MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Naruto noticed Lee's pause in his movements and stared back at him- as if he was even more of an idiot than himself- but after a while, he turned back to look up at the ANBU members leading them to their destination.

“Where the hell are we going?” he yelled, clenching his fists. “Are we there yet?”

One of the ANBU members turned his head just a bit to look back at the large crowd that they were leading. “We're almost there, kid.”

“But where are we going?” Sakura repeated to them in an almost frustrated manner. She was one to be patient on normal terms, but when on ones such as these, she couldn't help but be a bit nervous.

“KHSP,” came the curt reply.

“… What?” most of the characters blinked in confusion, except for Shikamaru, who was busy staring upwards at the clouds, and Gaara, who was watching Lee in puzzlement.

“The KHSP,” another ANBU member replied.

“What's… the KHSP?” Iruka dared to ask as he made another attempt to swat away the hand of the copy ninja that tried to pinch his rump.

And then for some reason or another, music out of nowhere began to play…

{??? Oh goodie, mystery song… -Author 1}

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, there's no need to feel down!

I said young man, get yourself off the ground!

I said young man, cause you're in a new town!

There's no need to be unhappy!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, there's a place you can go!

I said young man, when you're short on your dough,

You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find many ways to have a good time!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

They have everything for you men to enjoy!

Jiraiya: You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

You can get yourself clean; you can have a good meal,

You can do whatever you feel!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, are you listening to me?

I said young man, what do you wanna be?

I said young man; you can make real your dreams,

But you've got to know this one thing!

ANBU Member #2: No man does it all by himself!

ANBU Member #13: I said young man, put your pride on the shelf,

ANBU Member #4: And just go there, to the KHSP!

ALL: And so they can help you today!

Naruto: Hey! That doesn't rhyme!

Sakura: Shut up, Naruto.

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

They have everything that you're meant to enjoy!

Jiraiya: You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

It's fun to stay at the KHSP!

You can get yourself clean; you can have a good meal,

You can do whatever you feel!

Jiraiya: Young man, I was once in your shoes!

I said I was down and out with the blues!

I felt no one cared if I were alive!

I felt the whole world was so tired!

Jiraiya: That's when someone came up to me,

And said, `young man, take a walk up the street!

There's a place there, called the KHSP!

They can put you back on your feet!'

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: They have everything that you're meant to enjoy!

You can hang out with all the boys!

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: It's fun to stay at the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

ANBU Squad Leader: Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down!

Jiraiya: Young man, young man; get yourself the ground!

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

ANBU Squad Leader: And just go to the-

ANBU Squad: KHSP!

Jiraiya: Young man, young man, I was down with the blues!

ALL: KHSP!

{Fades}

After the song and the long bout of silence that followed had faded, the crowd had found themselves in front of a large one-story building on the edge of a cliff.

“So this is the legendary Konoha Hotel of Sexual Pleasure,” exclaimed Jiraiya, who rubbed his chin in excitement.

“……………” Most of the ninja froze at this, many considering turning around and heading back the way they came. Choji was one of them, but he stopped abruptly, and his expression was one that would not be quickly forgotten when a sword came out of the bush beside him, grazing his ear and slicing away a few strands of hair.

“AIEE!” he cried, ducking as three more figures jumped out and over the huddling pile of fat. They landed not too far away.

Kakashi growled as he pulled his hand away from Iruka's waist and positioned it for a Chidori jutsu. “You…”

“Sasuke!!” cried Sakura as she nearly leaped at the shortest of the three, hearts in her eyes. Ino pretty much did the same. Of course, Sasuke sidestepped this attempt and cast his gaze more towards Naruto.

“Ahh… It's been a while, Kakashi,” purred the sensual voice of the most ruthless of the three sannin as a pale and slender hand snaked up to push back ebony locks. Orochimaru smirked in almost a teasing manner at the jonin who'd threatened him with such violent action.

Kabuto was there as well, and he stood next to Orochimaru with a more cautious expression, “Be careful, Lord Orochimaru.”

“Didn't you say that to me before?” Kakashi growled at the snake-summoner.

“Ah… no. I said, `Long time no see,' last time.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Hey!” Jiraiya cried, pushing aside Shino, Kiba, and Hinata. “Hey! It's my old bud!”

Orochimaru's normally calm, confident expression was instantly replaced by a look of absolute horror and mortification.

“No… No! Not you! Anyone but you! My eyes! They burn! Kabuto, shield me!” Kabuto obediently stepped in front of his master.

“Pathetic… all of you.” Sasuke's voice was now an eerie echo of his brother's. “No one watching would even consider the possibility that any of you fools might be ninja.”

“You fiends!” Kakashi snarled, “What do you want to take from the KHSP?!”

“… The KHSP?” Sasuke repeated, slowly. “…The… you can't be serious?!”

“Don't be impolite, Sasuke; it twists your handsome features.” Orochimaru smirked. “For your information, there is an object here which we are trying to retrieve before your dear brother does.”

“…” Sasuke did not reply, and it seemed to the others that the old Sasuke was truly lost, for the person he had once been would never have taken such a remark.

“What is this… thing… supposed to do, anyway?” Naruto scratched his head.

“Ah… um… What is it supposed to do, Kabuto?” The sannin turned to his follower.

“Beats me. We're going for it because Itachi's going for it, but I don't know anything about it.”

“So…” Shikamaru spoke, and everyone started, “Just theorizing here, but… none of us know what this object does, or its name, or even what it looks like, and we are trying to find it before Sasuke's psychotic brother does, while he and that other guy…uh… Kisame, was it? Both know EXACTLY what they're looking for…” he paused. “Is that about right?” There was a general chorus of agreements, most of them sounding a bit sheepish.

“You guys all realize that the chance of ANY of us succeeding is about… I'd say… 1.54 billion to 1.” There was an awkward silence. “Okay… How about we work together temporarily to keep those two from finding whatever it is we're all looking for, and sort out the whole good/evil thing afterwards? I don't think it would be wise to do otherwise, because if we don't, that means we'll have to fight, and while we're wasting time here, those two freaks will be getting closer to that object. Plus… it'd be a pain.”

There was a moment of tenseness, then…

“…F-fine!” Orochimaru managed. “Just…just keep that lunatic away from me.” Jiraiya looked rather hurt.

“I don't care.” Maybe Sasuke hadn't changed that much…

“Don't worry, my lord. I'll keep the toad-kissing oaf at bay!” Kabuto reassured the one he served.

“WHY, YOU LITTLE…”

“Come on! Let's go! We've wasted enough time!” Tsunade flailed her arms about to get everyone's attention, then turned around and vanished inside.

“Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to regret this for the rest of my immortal life?” muttered Orochimaru, not noticing Anko's murderous gaze upon him…

“It's dark… I can't see…”

“Naruto, be quiet!”

“You be quiet, Sakura!”

“This is really weird… If this is supposed to be a… happy hotel, then where's all the…?”

“Shut up, Kakashi.”

“I'm just saying…”

“No! Hands off!”

“Awwww, Irukaaaaa….”

“Some things never change, I suppose.”

“Don't talk to me, traitor!”

“Don't talk to Sasuke like that, Naruto!”

“Shut up, Sakura… and it was a rhetorical comment, Naruto.”

“Rhe…tor…aa…cull?”

“*Sigh* You haven't changed either.”

“Why is it so dark in here?”

“I do not know, Tenten. Let us hope that there is not some foul creature lurking here!”

“… You still talk like that?”

“Hmm? What do you mean, Gaara-san?”

“He means that you sound like an idiot.”

“Mind your manners, Hyuga, or I might have to kill you.”

“I'd like to see you try, Gaara of the Desert.”

“Awfully confident, considering who you're talking to.”

“Stay out of this, Kankuro.”

“Actually, he's got a point, considering I whooped his butt in the Chuunin exams.”

“Shut up, Uzumaki.”

“Aw, what's the matter, Neji? Fate not being nice to you lately?”

“I told you to…”

There was an odd sound, and lights, bright white lights exploded above them.

“Looks like someone found the power room…” Kiba growled.

“So they're already here.” Orochimaru considered drawing his blade, but decided against it.

“We've got to hurry.” Tsunade hissed.

“Hey, guys! Look at this!” An ANBU ninja cheerfully stomped on a raised tile that was obviously a trap.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” Their collective screams echoed throughout the entire complex…

And then the floor vanished.

Several of them screamed, many of them sighed and tried to ignore the fact that they were about to die, but two remained completely calm. Temari pulled out her fan and vanished, and Gaara called upon as much of his power as he could.

Hands of sand grabbed the falling people and slowed their fall. They guided the tumbling group towards the ground, where a slide had formed.

Temari floated down gently, while the others rolled down a slide of sand onto the stone.

“Not… good.” Iruka gasped.

“Well, thanks for breaking my fall,” smiled Kakashi. This only made Iruka frown.

“My hair… my beautiful, beautiful hair….” Orochimaru moaned.

“I love you!” Lee tugged on Gaara's flowing robes. But no one heard him.

“You're… dead.” Gaara snarled at the ninja who'd triggered the trap. And then the others realized that he was, for the Kazekage hadn't bothered to save him.

“Hey! Where'd that pizza come from?” Naruto wondered.

“Yep… nothing's changed. You're still a loser.” Sasuke chuckled grimly.

“That's… not a pizza, Naruto….” The pink-haired ninja looked about ready to vomit.

“Whatever!”

“What is this…?” Hinata breathed, and the others looked about in surprise. They were in a huge circular room, with thirty doors lining one half of its walls. Upon exploration, the doors were found to lead to living quarters (each with their own bathrooms), a huge kitchen (with an equally huge amount of food), and a collapsed hallway.

“That was probably the exit…” Ino shivered, shutting the door.

“No… I don't believe it… I can't be stuck down here with you people!” Orochimaru wailed. Kabuto tried to comfort him, but the sannin waved him away absently.

“As much as I hate to admit it, the snake boy's right…” Ibiki sounded more than a little bitter. “We'll all go insane before we get out of here…”

The silence reminded Naruto of a funeral. “… So, who died?”

There was no response.

“… We'd better try and find a way out.” Shino sighed.

“What a drag…” Shikamaru walked off, but stopped when a shout erupted from above.

“SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

…There was a series of crashes, then two loud thumping sounds.

…The door that Ino had shut burst open to reveal…

“… You can't be serious…” came a familiar, soft voice, colder than ice.

“Oh, crap…” muttered Kakashi.

“Indeed…”

Itachi Uchiha and his partner in crime, Kisame, had come to call.

The older Uchiha swirled around to bear down on his companion. “You fucking IDIOT!! You triggered the trap! Didn't you see it?!”

Kisame sweat-dropped as Itachi continued his fit of fury. “We even had the fucking blueprints for the building, and you STILL stepped on the most blatantly obvious trap I've ever seen! You're a fucking idiot, Kisame! You're worthless!! I hate you!! Why can't you just find a fucking cliff and jump off it?!”

“I'm sowwyyyyyyy!!!!” wailed the blue-skinned shinobi, raising his arms to his face to hide the constant flow of tears that burst forth from their containers.

“Dude, you made him cry…” Shikamaru smirked. “That's awesome…”

Orochimaru rubbed his chin. “I never made Kabuto cry, although I did make Sasuke cry-“

“Shut up.”

“Awww… but I love telling stories!”

“Just shut up before I ask my brother to kill you.”

“… Do you think he'd listen?”

“……….”

“KILL SOMEONE? YES!! I WOULD LIKE TO KILL SOMEONE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!!!”

“… Don't steal my role, emo freak.” Gaara glared at the raven-haired criminal.

“Yes, do not steal his role!” chimed Lee.

“… Thanks,” the Kazekage sweat-dropped.

“YEEESSSSS!!” Lee jumped around in the air, causing most of the others to back away.

“Dude… what's got his wires twisted?” Shikamaru sighed as he raised a hand to press against his nose bridge.

After some time, Itachi had finally managed to calm down… though not before he started foaming at the mouth. Kisame was huddled in a corner, and Lee had wasted most of his chakra jumping about like a schoolgirl.

“… All right… now that things have calmed dow-” but Shino was cut off by more rumbling.

“Oh, no. Not more freaks…” Naruto rolled his eyes.

“Look who's talking!” Sasuke retorted.

“… Uh, you are?” Naruto blinked.

“…”

Four loud thumps and several girlie screams followed this, and to EVERYONE'S horror, Ebisu, Konohamaru, Tazuna, and Inari emerged from one of the bedrooms.

“Oh, Gods, no!” Sakura whimpered.

“Not Super-perv!” Naruto cried.

Konohamaru beamed at the crowd, “Hi, guys!”

“…How did you get here?” Kakashi frowned at Tazuna and Inari.

“Ah… How did we get here, Inari?”

“Sorry guys,” Inari shrugged, “But my grandfather has developed dementia. We went to Konoha to say hi, but you weren't there, so Konohamaru here lead us to you.”

“I apologize, Fifth Hokage! I tried to stop them but…”

“Whatever!” Tsunade snapped, cutting off Ebisu completely. “What the hell do we do now?”

“…”

“Hey! The ANBU squad is gone!” Kiba cried.

“What?! How did…?!” Ibiki growled.

“Where could they have gone?” Hinata whispered, concerned.

“Who cares. You're all dead.” Itachi blinked, and his Sharingan appeared.

“Oh, come on!” Choji snorted. “I mean, sure, you're really strong, but you two can't take on twenty other ninja simultaneously!”

“Please, people, this is not the time! We are trapped here together and we'll have to work together to survive. Even if we did slaughter each other, how many of us do you think would last?”

“Wow… Sasuke's not going for Itachi's throat yet… weird.” Naruto scratched his head again.

“This isn't the time, loser!” snapped the traitor.

“This is all your fault, you stupid boy!” Orochimaru snarled at Shikamaru. “This would never have happened if you hadn't suggested working together!”

“Don't blame me… sheesh.”

At this point, most of the group had drawn weapons or charged up spells.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!”

“Um… Hinata… why did you just scream in my ear?” Ino winced.

“So… so much… hatred… can't take… pressure!” sobbed the girl.

“This is absurd.” Neji snapped. “Sasuke's right.”

Tazuna smiled. “Yeah, you folks need to calm down! It is Christmas, after all!” Gaara smacked the senile man on the head, and the bridge-builder dropped like a stone.

“Heh…” Kabuto muffled a laugh, but it was too late.

“Ha… haha…” Kakashi shook slightly.

Within moments, everyone but Gaara, Itachi, Sasuke, and Anko were helpless with mirth.

“A-all right, so… haha… so what do we do now?” Tenten giggled.

“I know!” Lee grinned. “Let us relax. We cannot concentrate on getting out if we are too worried about getting killed.”

“Yes, Lee! What an excellent idea!” Gai shouted happily.

“Gai… remember, now. Indoor voices!” Kakashi shook his finger at his rival. Gai was a moment away from throttling the copy ninja when his student spoke again.

“I know! We can sing songs!”

“……………………&# 8230;………………………… ……”

“B-but… but it is a splendid idea!”

“… Well, if you want to, Lee…”

“OH, GAARA-SAN!!!!!” HE SUPPORTED ME, MASTER GAI!!!!!!!

“Ah… yeah.”

“All right! Let us sit in a circle!” Everyone reluctantly complied, save for Shikamaru, who wandered off to the door-less side of the room and sat down to daydream, and Anko, who had vanished into one of the bedrooms.

“Okay!!! I will sing first!” Lee bounced up and down for a moment, then cleared his throat.

{If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out}

(Lee pulls a guitar out from out of nowhere. Everyone stares.)

Lee: Well, if you want to sing out, sing out,

And if you want to be free, be free,

Because there are a million things to be, you know that there are!

Lee: And if you want to live high, live high,

And if you want to live low, live low,

Because there are a million ways to go, you know that there are!

Lee: You can do what you want!

The opportunities are,

And if you find a new way, you can do it today!

Lee: And you can make it all true,

And you can make it undo, you see!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Lee: It is easy!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Naruto: You won't need me to know!

Iruka: Hey, where did the ANBU Squad come from?

Kakashi: It doesn't matter, because as quickly as they appeared, I can make you and I-

Iruka: NO MORE!!

Lee: Well, if you want to say yes, say yes,

And if you want to say no, say no,

Because there are a million ways to go, you know that there are!

Lee: And if you want to be me, be me,

And if you want to be you, be you,

Because there are a million things to do, you know that there are!

Lee: You can do what you want!

The opportunities are,

And if you find a new way, then you can do it today!

Lee: And you can make it all true,

And you can make it undo, you see!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Lee: It is easy!

ANBU Members: Ah-ah-ah!

Naruto: You won't need me to know!

Lee: Well, if you want to sing out, sing out,

And if you want to be free, be free,

Because there are a million things to be, you know that there are!

Lee: You know that there are…

You know that there are…

Gaara: You know that there are…

{fades}

Everyone stared at Gaara in confusion, raising their brows and scratching their heads.

“Gaara, you can sing?” Naruto voiced for the group.

“… Sing? I didn't sing.” Gaara looked convinced.

“Yes you did…”

“No, I didn't.”

“Yes you did!”

“No, I didn't!”

“Well, too bad,” sighed Lee dreamily, clasping his hands together and staring off into space, “because it was such a wonderful voice. Ah… the sound of an angel!”

“… Fine, I sang.” Gaara frowned.

There was another pause before Itachi glared from across the circle. “That was a bunch of shit.”

“…” Gaara stared over to the criminal, his eyes glinting in a malicious manner. “What did you just say?”

“That. Was. WONDERFUL!!” cried Gai, nearly squeezing Lee and Gaara together, since they sat side by side. Gaara's eye twitched, and Lee squealed in terror… fake terror… “And now it's my time to shine!!”

“Oh, Gods, no…” Iruka groaned before hiding his face in his hands.

“If you need hide your beautiful face in something, I've got a spare shoulder!” Kakashi beamed.

“…. No…. thanks…”

“Awww……”

Gee, he tries so hard… Naruto sweat-dropped.

“All right, here I go!” cried Gai.

“GO SENSEI!!” cheered his student.

{??? And yet another mystery song… -Author 1}

Gai: BODY!! Wanna feel my body?

Iruka: NO!!

Gai: BODY!! Such a thrill, my body!

Itachi: I think I'm going to vomit…

Gai: BODY! Wanna touch my body?

BOBBY! It's too much, my Bobby!

Naruto: Bobby? Who the hell is Bobby?

Gai: Sorry, my bad.

Kakashi: Don't you mean booby?

Naruto: …

Iruka: Kakashi, that's disgusting…

Gai: Check it out, my body, body!

Don't you doubt my body, body!

Talking `bout my body, body!

Check it out, my body!

Gai: Every man wants to be a macho, macho man!

To have the kind of body, always in demand!

Jogging in the morning!

Kakashi: Go, Gai, go!

Gai: Works out in the health spa, muscles glow!

Lee: You can best believe that he is a macho man

Ready to get down-

Kakashi: -with anyone he can!

Everyone: EAGHH!!!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

Gaara's face froze in complete shock.

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

Gai: BODY! It's so hot, my body!

BODY! Got to pop my body!

BODY! Love to please my body!

Iruka: Gods… make him stop…

Kakashi: If I make him stop, will you-

Iruka: Never-mind.

Gai: BODY! Don't you tease my body!

BODY! You'll adore my body!

BODY! Come explore my body!

Iruka: EWW!!

Kakashi: Aww, come on, Iruka-chan. You know you think things like that about MY body!

Iruka: AUUGHH!! SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!!

Gaara: *blinks* … Ok…

Kakashi: … *glares*

Gai: BODY! Made by gods, my body!

BODY! It's so good, my body!

Lee: You can tell he is a macho, he has a funky walk!

His green spandex and bowl cut always look so boss!

Orochimaru: They WHAT?!

Lee: Funky with his body, he is a king!

Call him Mister Eagle; dig his chains!

You can best believe that he is a macho man!

He likes to be the leader; he never dresses grand!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

By this point in time, Neji and Tenten have hidden somewhere, not wanting to let the others witness their embarrassment.

Gai: UGH! Macho… baby!

Body, body, body! Wanna feel my body?

Body, body, body! Gonna thrill my body!

Body, body, body! Don'tcha stop my body!

Body, body, body! It's so hot, my body!

Gai: Every man ought to be a macho, macho man!

To live a life of freedom, machos make a stand!

Have their own lifestyles and ideals!

Possess the strength and confidence, life's a steal!

Kakashi: You can best believe that he's a macho man!

Lee: He likes to be the leader; he never dresses grand!

He is a special person in anybody's land!

ANBU Members: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY HEY!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Gai: See the hair on my chest!)

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Gai: See thick mustache! Lee: … What mustache?)

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Kakashi: Broad shoulders!)

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man! (Lee: Dig muscles!)

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

Lee: I want to be a macho man!

ANBU, Gai, Kakashi, Lee: Macho, macho man!

ANBU Member #2: I want to be a macho!

{End}

Everyone was either suppressing laughter or trying not to weep in terror, save for Lee, who was cheering enthusiastically, Kakashi, who was too busy fondling a whimpering Iruka, and Gaara, who was staring off into space.

“WOW!!! Was that not totally awesome, Gaara-san?”

The Kazekage blinked. “… Ah… yeah.” He replied faintly, still in shock.

YES!!!!!! GAARA-SAN LIKES YOU, MASTER!!!! YOU HAVE WON HIS APPROVAL!!!!!!

“Um… Lee?”

“Yes, Gaara-san?”

“Can you… ah… let go?”

“Wha…? Oh! Uh… sorry...” Lee hastily released Gaara's hand.

“Man… You're all a bunch of freaks!” Naruto snorted.

“Watch it, blondie!” Gaara snapped.

“Phhsshh!! Whatever man! …You know, Lee, when I become Hokage, I'm gonna make you shave your head.”

“What?! Nooooo!!!! This cannot be!!!! I thought that you and I were comrades, Naruto!!!!” Lee wailed and buried his face in Gaara's hair, and the said redhead instantly scrambled away in horror.

“Oh, come on, Naruto! I mean, sure, you're tougher than you look, but Hokage?” Kiba practically snorted at this.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Tsunade frowned. “If you became Hokage, what would happen to me?”

“Uh… you… can… retire?” Naruto offered. The current Hokage glared daggers at him.

“Dude, I'm serious. It's not gonna happen!” Kiba snapped.

“Yes it will!”

“No, it won't!”

“I've already proven that I'm stronger than you! What more do you want?!”

“Forget it, Naruto!”

“GRRRRR!!!”

“I… I… Naruto… Kiba just doesn't understand your determination.” Hinata whispered.

“Hey! Whose side are you on?!” The girl nearly fainted.

“All right, then! I'm gonna sing, now!”

“WHAT?!” There was not a single person in the room that wasn't shocked. Even Shikamaru snapped out of his daydreams. Neji and Tenten reappeared.

“This I've gotta see.” Tenten grinned.

“Here I go, believe it!!!”

“Sakura?”

“Sasuke?”

“Do you have any earplugs?”

“Yep! Lucky for you I keep spares!”

The two promptly stuffed their ears as Naruto began.

{??? Great, MORE mystery songs. -Author 1}

Naruto's eyes go all weird with religious fervor.

Naruto: I'm gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!

Jiraiya: King?

Iruka: Don't you mean Hokage?

Naruto: Same thing!

Kiba: Well, I've never seen a king or beast with quite so little hair!

Naruto: Hey!

Naruto: I'm gonna be the main event, like no king was before!

I'm brushing up on looking down!

I'm working on my roar!

Akamaru: Arfy arfy arfy, arf arf arf arf arf arf!

Everyone: ?????

Naruto: (Irritated) Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Iruka: You've got a long way to go, young ninja, if you think!

Naruto: No one says `do this!'

Iruka: Now when I said that I-

Hinata: No one says `be there!'

Iruka: Now what I meant was-

Naruto: No one says `stop that!'

Iruka: What you don't realize is-

Hinata: No one says-

Both: See heerreee!!!

Iruka: NOW SEE HERE!!!

Kakashi distracts Iruka by trying to tear off his shirt.

Naruto: Free to roam around all day!

Ebisu: Now that's definitely out!

Naruto: Free to do it all my waaaayyy!!!!

Ebisu: I think it's time that you and I arranged a heart-to-heart!

Naruto: Kings don't need advice from little perverts for a start!

Ebisu: (angry) If this is where the monarchy is headed, count me out!

Out of service! Out of Konoha! I wouldn't stay about!

For this child is getting wildly out of wing!

Naruto: Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Gaara: Ah…did I act like this before I became Kazekage?

Kankuro: No, thank goodness!

Naruto: (Shouting) EVERYBODY LOOK LEFT!!!!!!

Everyone looks and sees a Naruto clone.

Naruto Clone: (Shouting) EVERYBODY LOOK RIGHT!!!!!!!

They do so, and see another Naruto clone.

Naruto Clone 2: (Shouting) EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK I'M-

Suddenly clones explode into existence all over the room.

All the Narutos: STANDING IN THE SPOTLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Iruka's scream erupts from one of the bedrooms: NOT YET!!!!

Kakashi: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

ANBU Members: Let every ninja know the role and sing!

Let's hear it in the herd and on the wing!

Kiba: Herd?

ANBU Members: It's gonna be Hokage's finest fling!!!

Naruto: Whaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

ANBU, Clones, and Naruto: Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king!

Oh, I just can't WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT…

Naruto: To be-

ANBU, Clones, and Naruto: KKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

There's a moment of complete silence, then…

Iruka: I beg your pardon, Kakashi, but… GET OFF!!!!! … Naruto? … Hinata???

Kakashi: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Iruka: NOOOOO!!!!!!! HHHHEEEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! NOT ROPE!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

{End}

“Naruto?” Sasuke asked.

“What do you want?!”

“Naruto, I can't hear you… are you done singing?”

“Y…Nooo… I'm… not… done… heheheh…”

“What?”

“Damn… hmmm… Hey!” Naruto turned to the others suddenly, “Did you know that Sasuke gropes Orochimaru in his sleep?”

“WHAT?!” Kabuto snarled.

“Hmm… odd. I thought that was you, Kabuto.”

“IT WAS… I mean… uh… I didn't… say that…”

Orochimaru smirked, and Naruto sighed.

“Well, that didn't work… okay, how about thi… augh!”

Sasuke was behind him… without earplugs. “One more word, Naruto, and I'll snap your neck!”

“Why does the word `backfire' come to mind?” Kabuto mused.

“One victory for our group, Kabuto!” chuckled Orochimaru.

“V-victory…” Gaara went stiff.

Lee slid back an inch, “G-Gaara-san?”

“Visions of neck… snapping… bones… crushing… blood… raining…” The Kazekage's eyes misted over.

Kankuro threw himself away. “NO! He's reverting! Run away!”

Everyone sprinted to the far side of the room with Shikamaru, Naruto's clones vanishing with `EEP!'s.

“M-must… kill… wonderful… to… crush… life…”

Gai gasped in horror. “Lee! NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!” For Lee was still next to the bloodthirsty Gaara.

“Now, Gaara-san, this is not a healthy way to deal with your anger! You must let it out, not with violence, but with song!”

“S…song?”

“Yes!

Song!”

Itachi muttered, “What a load of-”

“SHUT UP!!!!” Everyone hissed. The criminal pouted.

“Song… yes…”

“That is it, Gaara-san! Let us hear your angelic voice!”

Naruto blinked, “Um… is it just me, or does Lee have a-”

“SHUT UP!!!!” The group whispered again.

“Yes… a song… about… my first… love.”

Lee frowned, “Y-your… first…”

“Victory.”

“Oh! You meant… uh… I will give you some space.”

“Yes…” Lee went to join the others, but rather than hugging the wall, he sat on the floor in front of everyone else.

“I shall sing my song now…”

“Oh, Gods damn it!” Itachi growled, “And I thought this guy was sane like me!”

“Um… sure, Itachi.” Kisame shrugged, but he flinched and hid behind his arms at his partner's deadly gaze.

{Sweet, Sweet Victory}

Suddenly the shadows move, and an orchestra of ANBU members forms behind Gaara.

Nine of them put trumpets to their lips and blast off a heroic intro… All lights go out, save for a blue spotlight on the Kazekage.

Shino appears nearby with a keyboard and begins synchronizing as Gaara sings into a microphone, in an over-dramatic tone that makes him sound even more like the tortured soul he is.

Gaara: The winner takes all…
It's the thrill of one more kill!
The last one to fall…
Will never sacrifice their will!

Suddenly Kankuro begins playing the drums, and Temari slides on her knees beside her brothers, playing an electric guitar. Lights explode behind the siblings in red and blue, while gold and scarlet sparks fly out from behind Gaara. The three begin singing at the top of their lungs.

Siblings: Don't ever look back,
On a world closing in!
The only intent,
With your wings on the wind!
Gaara: Oh, the things that we did…

Siblings: And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!
Gaara: And it's ours for the taking…
Siblings: It's ours for the fight!

Siblings: And the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!
Gaara: And the world is ours to call…

Siblings: Sweet, sweet, sweet victory…

Gaara drops to the ground as Temari busts out a guitar solo…

{Fades}

“That was amazing, Gaara-san!” Lee cried, jumping to his feet, “That was magnificent! Incredible! That was… hey, the ANBU ninja are gone again…???”

Gaara was gasping on his knees in the middle of the room, “…Can't… breathe…”

“No kidding!” Kankuro managed.

“Did you get lost in this desert?” asked Tazuna. The siblings stared at him. “It's all right! I'm native to this area and I can get you to the Village Hidden in the Sand!” Everyone listened in growing horror as the bridge-builder continued, “You'll want to be careful, though! I've heard that their leader is a real freak who keeps sending assassins after one of his own children! Can you believe that?! Poor kid!”

The group held their breath, waiting for Gaara to rip the old man apart.

“…E-excuse… me…” the young Kazekage stood and strode away rather forlornly.

“You hurt his feelings!” Lee shouted at Tazuna, then ran after Gaara.

Tazuna's mouth shook, “H-he yelled at me!”

Inari patted his grandfather, “It's okay; he didn't mean to.” Tazuna burst into tears.

“You know… things would be a lot easier on everyone if we tried to work out the problems we have with one another,” Hinata suggested hopefully.

“Miss Hinata is right,” Neji added, sarcastically, “This would be easier if we all turned into soft-hearted pansies just like her.”

Hinata flinched.

Naruto grabbed Neji by the arm, “Look, pal, Hinata's just trying to help out. Don't be such a bitter moron!”

“I… I just think that things would be easier if we tried to work our problems out by talking, instead of blaming fate.”

“Oh?” Neji glared at her, “How do you even know that that could change anything between the two branches?”

“Be…because I believe that… I believe that…”

“That what?!”

“That…”

{We Can Work It Out}

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?

Why do you see it your way,

At the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone?

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Naruto: Why is Neji singing?

All: Shut up!

Neji: Think of what you're saying!

You could get it wrong and still you'll think that it's all right.

Hinata: Think of what I'm saying!

We can work it out and get it straight or say good night!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Shino and Tenten: Life is very short and there's no tiiiiiiiime…

For fussing and fighting, my friends.

I have always thought that it's a criiiiiiiime…

So I will ask you once again…

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong!

Why do you see it your way?

There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

Shino and Tenten: Life is very short and there's no tiiiiiiiime…

For fussing and fighting, my friends.

I have always thought that it's a criiiiiiiime…

So I will ask you once again…

Hinata: Try to see it my way!

Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong!

Why do you see it your way?

There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long!

Hinata and Neji: We can work it out! We can work it out!

{End}

{Meanwhile}

Lee found Gaara lying on the bed, one of his hands making intricate designs with sand on the ceiling.

“Gaara-san! I hope his words did not upset you too much?”

YES!!!!!!! THIS IS MY CHANCE!!!!!!!! THANK YOU, TAZUNA!!!!!!!!

“… I'm all right. It doesn't matter.”

“It most certainly does matter! His words hurt you!”

“They are words. Nothing more.”

Lee's large eyes widened. “That is not true!”

Gaara sat up, letting the sand return to his gourd. “Not… true?”

“Words can be used for many things, like giving someone information, but they are also used to express the feelings that actions cannot!”

“What's your point?” the Kazekage frowned at him.

“My point is that words do matter to you, no matter how hard you try to hide it!”

There was a moment of silence as gazes were exchanged, both of the young men looking equally determined to prove their point, although if Gaara had a point, it would be a first.

“Ah… sure… Lee… yeah…” the sand ninja slid back down and turned over to face the wall.

Awww, he turned away from meee!! … Must try harder!!

“Gaara-san, you are not making this any easier for me!”

“Making what easier?” Gaara turned his head slightly so he could face the other with a confused expression.

“… You cannot be serious!”

The Kazekage blinked, “I am always serious.”

“…”

Another pause followed, then Lee sighed and sat down at the end of the bed, making Gaara sit up once more. Neither ninja said anything for a few moments. Then Lee finally gathered whatever courage he could muster.

“… Gaara-san?”

“… What is it now?”

“Er… well, it was just… I was wondering…”

“… Hai?” A tinge of irritance crossed Gaara's features.

“Ah… well… have you ever… you know…”

A scream sounding from the room next door interrupted poor Lee.

“… Now that I think about it, I never have screamed like that before.”

“No, no… that's not what I was referr-”

“KAKASHI!!”

“…” Gaara paled slightly. “No, I've never said that either.”

“No! Forget them!”

“AHHH!!”

“… This is… awkward…” Gaara spoke slowly. “Can I kill them?”

“Uh, no… that would not be a good thing. Perhaps you could sing another song?”

“… I believe I'm done singing for now.”

“Gahh… ah… FINE! ALL RIGHT!! I'll say it!!”

Both Lee and Gaara turned to the other wall, listening to the voices on the other side.

“Good boy, Iruka-chan…”

“Gah… I swear, I'm going to-”

“You're going to what, my dear chuunin?”

“…”

“Say it, pweeeease?” Gaara and Lee stared at each other oddly, both mouthing the word `pwease'…

“… I hate you, Kakashi.”

“No, that's not what you were supposed to say,” the voice belonging to the copy ninja sounded awfully hurt.

“… I love you.”

“I can't heaw youuu…” Kakashi cooed almost in a teasing manner, obviously making the chuunin frustrated.

“… I said I love you.”

Lee had his ear pressed to the wall, making strange faces as he tried to distinguish the strange mumbling. “I cannot hear what he is saying…”

The one beside him frowned. “Should we care?”

“… Do you not feel the least bit curious?”

“… I won't answer that.”

“You need to say it so the whoooole wolld can heaw it, Iwuka.”

“That's the last thing I need them to hear!”

“Aww, you're still shy about admitting it to them, aren't you? That's so cuuute.”

“…Cute?” echoed the sand shinobi. Lee made another face.

“Kakashi, you can't be serious.”

“…”

“AHH! NO!! NO THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!!”

Lee's eyes widened. “Gai-Sensei's rival is a masochist?!”

“Then say it, pwease?”

“No!”

“All right, then…”

“AHHH!! NOOOO!! FINE!!”

“Then let's hear it.”

“…”

“Come on…”

“I already said it twice, Gods damn it! Why do I have to say it again?!”

“Because I was staring at a bug the first time, and the second time, I was occupied with how beautiful your body is.”

“…………..”

“Oh come on, it's-”

“Ok, all right. This time I'm going to say it, and I'm going to make sure you're PAYING attention to me and not the bug, not the bedsheets, not the carpet, not your stupid perverted book, or whatever! Not even the wall! And most certainly not my body!”

Lee and Gaara flinched at the word `wall.'

“Awww, why not the book?”

“… Just pay attention.”

“All right, fine… I'm listening.”

“I… KAKASHI! You're reading that book again!”

“Wha…? Oh, sorry. Old reflex.”

“Put that book somewhere far away. Now.”

“Fine, whatever you say, Sensei.”

Iruka was obviously not pleased.

“Now pay attention!”

“I am paying attention, Sensei.”

“Will you stop that?!”

“Awww…”

“Okay, okay, look... We're not getting anywhere, and you had to stop in the middle of everything and start this… stupid… shenanigan… I'm going to say it once, and only once, because I'm tired of waiting.”

“So you WERE waiting this whole time we came here!”

“… Shut up.”

“Awww…”

“Now, are you listening to me?”

“Yes, I am listening to you.”

“… Stupid… eh, whatever. Kakashi?”

“Hmm?”

“I-”

“Me?”

“… WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!”

“Ok, ok. I'm sorry.”

“… kakashiiloveyousomuchiwanttopuke.”

“… Eh?”

“Kakashi. I. Love. You. So-”

“Ok, that's all I needed to hear. Thanks, love.”

“……. I wasn't finished.”

“Too bad; I'm tired of waiting.”

“WHAT?!”

At this point, Gaara and Lee both scurried away from the wall, not really needing to crouch there to hear the lust-filled gasps and moans that erupted from the other room.

“Well…” Lee adjusted his collar, feeling a bit sweaty as he coughed.

“… I never want to hear anything like that again,” replied Gaara, his cheeks slightly flushed.

“Ah… hai, that was indeed a bit more than I intended to hear myself…”

“No kidding.”

“Well, Gaara-san… I just wanted to let you know… since we are… erm… kind of on the subject… I... well, I think I am feeling a bit flustered.”

“… That is obvious.”

“... No, that is not what I meant! I meant that… well… I think I like you.”

“Why… do you sound like Iruka?”

“… I am sorry, that was not intended in that manner! I just thought I would cast it out and say… that… well, you see, it is a long story. I do not remember when it started, but ever since, I have felt a bit more than comfortable in your presence.”

“… That's a first.”

“People should like you more, for I think you are a fine person indeed! Your voice is that of an angel's, and your hair color reminds me of rich and intoxicating wine!”

“… Ah… thank you… I guess…”

MASTER!! HE IS HAPPY!! “Gaara-san… I… I…”

“… Out with it already.”

“I am sorry! This is not like me… I am not used to having to say something as deep as what I wish to say!”

“Blood is deep.”

“… Um, no. That is not what I meant.” Lee paled slightly before scooting an inch closer. “I just… I kind of… uh…”

“I'm going to sleep now. Wake me up when you're ready-”

“No, no! I am ready!”

“Then what is it?”

Lee hesitated, scratching the back of his neck oddly before leaning forward to press a soft kiss to the other's lips, not really finding words that would explain the complicated emotions within him.

Gaara's expression was one mixed with utter shock, confusion… and lord knows what else.

Then a particularly loud scream came from the next room, and the two threw themselves apart.

The sand ninja's face seemed to have frozen once more.

“I… I am so sorry!!!” Lee wailed. HE IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!! WWWHHHAAAAHH!!!!!!

“…Oh.”

“O-oh?”

“Why didn't you just say… ah…” Gaara frowned, “… How would you say that?”

“Uh… s-so you are not going to kill me?”

“Hmm? … No…” Gaara blinked suddenly, “What makes you say that?”

“Uh… nothing!” HE DOES NOT WANT TO KILL ME!!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

“You have that weird look on your face again.”

“What look?”

Gaara shrugged, “You get that look on your face when I talk to you sometimes.”

“O…oh… that… That is… um…”

“What's wrong with your voice?”

“Wha?”

“You've been acting rather odd lately.”

“I… I am sorry. This is not like me…”

“… Didn't you say that earlier?”

Lee sweat-dropped at that. “Oh… I did? I am sorry…”

“You don't have to keep apologizing.”

“Oh… sorry…”

“…”

“Uh… so… what now?”

Gaara shrugged again. “I'm tired.”

“Oh, ok. I will just head on out so you can get some rest,” mumbled the very confused leaf ninja as he then stood up, brushing off his suit and heading for the door. He was about to reach for the doorknob when a hand caught his wrist, making his steps come to a halt.

“No.”

“… Wha?”

“I said no.”

“I… I am sorry. I do not understand…”

“… You don't have to leave.”

“B-but… I do not want to disturb your slumber-”

“Screw that.”

“Oh… o-ok…”

Lee looked down as he let his hand fall to his side once more, feeling a bit more than confused and flushed. He was about to go sit back down on the mattress when he was suddenly pushed up against the door, finding the Kazekage staring at him with their noses only inches apart.

“You're so weird sometimes, Lee…” Gaara sighed onto the other, making Lee whimper slightly at the tension. He then closed the gap, not seeming to mind as he returned the other's previous favor, lingering in the position for only a few seconds before pulling away. The sand ninja licked his lips, making Lee gulp. “I want you to stay.”

“Ah… um… O-ok… I would… ah… like that…” And thus Lee was led back to the bed.

{Meanwhile…}

Iruka was panting heavily, trying to catch his breath as he watched the other ninja purr in content. The glaze in his eyes were still present as he stared off into space, but he was then brought back to reality when a hand slid up from his hips to the top of his abdomen, caressing his chest.

“That was wonderful, love,” purred the jonin, raising his head just the slightest to lick off whatever was left on Iruka's stomach. This only made Iruka growl slightly, although it was not a growl of irritation.

“Well… I guess the bright side of this is that we didn't have to hear anyone sing. After watching Gai and listening to Naruto, I think I'm ready to call it quits for the day.” The chuunin sighed as his hands were finally released from the headboard, and he slipped them around the other's form gently.

“I would give the world to stay here forever,” replied Kakashi, smiling as he nipped at the caramel skin.

“Mmmm…” Iruka agreed slightly before he yawned, nestling his head between the other's neck and shoulder.

The copy ninja smiled as he ran a hand through Iruka's hair, letting the brown locks sift through his digits as he watched the other drift into a deep sleep.

{Meanwhile}

“You guys really don't know how to enjoy yourselves!” Ino rolled her eyes in a careless manner, folding her arms across her chest. “This has to be the most BORING party ever!”

“… Party?” Kabuto blinked.

“Well, yeah! You know, someone should try and lighten things up a bit! And I know just the person!”

Shikamaru's eyes widened slightly, “N-no! Stop her! I've heard this talk from her before!”

“That someone is me!”

“Too late!” Choji cried.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

{Get This Party Started}

Ino and Sakura: I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!
I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!

Sasuke: Sakura? … And you called ME a traitor, Naruto.

Naruto: *Shudders*

Ino: Get this party started on a Saturday night!
Everybody's waiting for me to arrive!
Sending out the message to all of my friends,
We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz!
I got lots of style with my gold diamond rings!
I can go for miles if you know what I mean!

Ibiki: She can do what?!

Shikamaru: Give her what she wants and she'll go away.

Choji: … Isn't that from a book?

Shikamaru: The Storm of the Century.

Choji: Oh, yeah.

Ino and Sakura: I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!
I'm coming up so you'd better get this party started!

Ino: Pumping up the volume, breaking down to the beat,
Cruising through the West Side, I'll be checking the scene!
Boulevard is freaking as I'm coming fast!
I'll be burning rubber; you'll be kissing my-AUGH!

Everyone cheers as Itachi smacks Ino on the head as hard as he can. She crumples to the ground, unconscious.

{End… Sort of}

“Well, that was stupid!” Neji uncovered his ears.

“Agreed!” Sasuke pulled out Sakura's earplugs once more.

There was another silence.

“I'm hungry!”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes, “Choji, you're a walking stomach! You're always hungry!”

“Not to mention how much he resembles a tub of lard!” Jiraiya grinned.

“Yeah, that's right, make fun of the overweight ninja!” Choji replied bitterly.

“You know Choji, they wouldn't make fun of you as much if you… uh… embraced yourself.”

“Shut up, Naruto!”

“No, seriously! There's power in pride!”

“Hmm…”

Naruto threw an arm around his old classmate, “Just repeat after me; I'm fat, and I'm proud! I'm fat, and I'm proud!”

“I'm… f-fat, and I'm p-proud?”

“No! Say it like you mean it!”

“I'm fat and I'm proud.”

“C'mon, buddy! Say it to everyone! Show `em what you're made of!”

“I'm fat and I'm proud! I'm fat and I'm proud!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!”

“All right!” Naruto cheered. “That's it!”

“I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!”

“Uh… okay Choji, we get it…” Kiba began.

“I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!! I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!”

Hinata whispered, “Choji, you really should calm down,” but to no avail.

“I'M… I'M… I'M!!!!!…”

{??? - Oh, yeah, my time to shine! - Author 2}

Choji rips off his ninja clothes to reveal a gangster outfit. He uses a series of hand signs and expands to an alarming size.

Techno can be heard…

Choji: Your butt is wide… well, mine is, too!
Just watch your mouth… or I'll sit on you!
The word is out… better treat me right,
'Cause I'm the king… of cellulite!
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right!

Choji: My zippers bust… my buckles break!
I'm too much man… for you to take!
The pavement cracks… when I fall down!
I've got more chins… than Chinatown!

Choji: Well, I've never used a phone booth!
And I've never seen my toes!
When I'm going to the movies,
I take up seven rows!

ANBU men dressed up in fat suits and gangster outfits appear and begin to dance… Jackson style!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on, you know!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji and his Gang: Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout!
Just now tell me once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji: When I walk out… to get my mail,
It measures on… the Richter scale!
Down at the beach… I'm a lucky man!
I'm the only one… who gets a tan!
If I have one more… pie alamode,
I'm gonna need… my own ZIP code!

Choji: When you're only having seconds,
I'm having twenty-thirds!
When I go to get my shoes shined,
I gotta take their word!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji and his Gang: And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds!
Let me tell you once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji tries to break-dance and ends up rolling around the room. The others scream and run from him, but he continues to spin towards the group at an alarming speed.

Choji: If you see me coming your way,
Better give me plenty space!
If I tell you that I'm hungry,
Then won't you feed my face?!

Tenten: He's gaining on us!!!!

Jiraiya: HOLY CRAP!!!! RUN!!!!! RRRRRUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Choji: Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: Woo, woo, woo!
ANBU Members: When I sit around the house,
I really sit around the house!

Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know, you know, you know, come on!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji and his Gang: And you know all by myself I'm a crowd!
Let me tell you once again…

Choji: You know I'm huuuge, I'm fat, you know it!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, you know, hoooo!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji: You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know!
ANBU Members: Fat, fat, really, really fat!
Choji and his Gang: And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud!
Just now tell me once again-

Choji: Who's fat!

Choji runs out of chakra and deflates like a balloon. Everyone cheers in relief.

{End}

“Thank… goodness!” Shino panted.

Kiba snarled in rage, “You are so dead, fattie!”

“I'M FAT AND I'M PROUD!!!!!!!!!”

“AAGHH!! Don't provoke him, you moron!” Neji slapped Kiba across the face.

“… You just… bitch-slapped someone…” Itachi smirked evilly.

“Heheheh… he hits like a girl!” Kisame snickered.

“At least he doesn't laugh like one…” Itachi snarled. Kisame looked down, hurt.

“DAMN YOU ALL!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU THE FURY OF THE GENTLE FIST!!!!!”

“Try it!!!”

Neji and Itachi began warily attacking one another, cold rage on both of their faces, while Kisame hid in his usual spot against the wall.

“Ignoring those idiots for a moment…” Tsunade cleared her throat, “What should we do-”

“IT'S MYYYYYYY TUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BOY HAS INSPPPIIIIIIIIRRREEED MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Oh, Gods, no!” Orochimaru moaned at the sound of Jiraiya's voice. Kabuto patted his shoulder, but his master waved him away once more.

{??? … Yay… - Author 2}

*Kakashi and Iruka reappear.*

Jiraiya: Oh my gods!
Kakashi, look at his butt!
It's so big!
Kakashi: He looks like one of those rap guy's boyfriends!

Jiraiya: Who understands those rap guys?

Kakashi: They only talk to him because he looks like a total prostitute!

I mean his butt,

It's just so big!

Jiraiya: I can't believe it's so round!

It's just out there!

I mean, it's gross!

Kakashi: Look, he's just so black!

Choji: Who are you calling black, bitch?!

Everyone: …

Jiraiya: I like big butts and I cannot lie!
You other brothers can't deny,
That when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist,
And a round thing in your face,
You get sprung!
Wanna pull up tough?
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed,
Deep in the jeans she's wearing!
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring!
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya,
And take your picture!
My home-boys tried to warn me,
But that butt you got,
Kakashi: Makes me so horny!

Jiraiya: Ooh, rump of smooth skin!
You say you wanna get in my benz!
Well use me, use me, `cause you ain't that average groupie!

Kakashi: I've seen them dancing!

*ANBU Guys and ANBU Chicks reappear*

Shikamaru: Dude, where did they come from?

Kakashi: To hell with romancing!
She's sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo `vette!

Jiraiya: I'm tired of magazines,
Saying flat butts are `the thing!'
Take the average black man and ask him that!
She gotta pack much back!

Jiraiya: So Fellas!

ANBU Guys: Yeah!

Jiraiya: Fellas!

ANBU Guys: Yeah!
Jiraiya: Has your boyfriend got the butt?

Kakashi: Hell yeah! (Iruka: HEY!!)
Jiraiya: Well, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

Baby got back!

Kakashi: I like `em round and big!
And when I'm throwing a gig,
I just can't help myself!
I'm actin like an animal!
Now here's my scandal!

Iruka: *flushing so bad he has to hide his face elsewhere. Everyone else laughs at him. *

Kakashi: I wanna get you home,
And UH, double up, UH, UH!
I ain't talking `bout playboy,
'Cause silicone parts were made for toys!
I want `em real thick and juicy!
So find that juicy double!
Hatake's in trouble!
Begging for a piece of that bubble!

So I'm looking at rock videos!
Knocking these bimbos, walking like hoes!
You can have them, bimbos!
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo!

Jiraiya: A word to the thick soul sistas!
I wanna get with ya!
I won't cuss or hit ya!
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna -
'Til the break of dawn!
Baby, got it going on!
A lot of pimps won't like this song,
'Cause them punks lie to hit it and quit it!
But I'd rather stay and play!
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong!
And I'm down to get the friction on!

Jiraiya: So, ladies!

ANBU Chicks: Yeah!

Jiraiya: Ladies!

ANBU Chicks: Yeah!
Jiraiya: Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes?

ANBU Chicks: NO!!
Jiraiya: …Then turn around!
Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout!
Baby got back!

Baby got back!

Jiraiya: Yeah, baby!
When it comes to females,
Cosmo ain't got nothing to do with my selection!
36-24-36!
Only if she's 5'3”!
So your girlfriend throws a Honda!
Playing workout tapes by Fonda!
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda!

Sasuke: Naruto, what the hell is he talking about?

Naruto: ???

Jiraiya: My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun!
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt!
Some brothers wanna play that hard role!
And tell you that the butt ain't gold!
So they toss it and leave it!
And I pull up quick to retrieve it!
So Cosmo says you're fat!
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kicking!
And I'm thinking bout sticking!

Jiraiya: To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, `miss thing'!
Give me a sista! I can't resist her!
Red beans and rice did miss her!
Some knucklehead tried to diss,
'Cause his girls were on my list!
He had game but he chose to hit `em!
And pulled up quick to get with `em!
So ladies, if the butt is round!
And you wanna triple X throw-down!
Dial 1-900-JIRAIYA and kick them nasty thoughts!
Baby got back!
Baby got back!
Little in the middle but she got much back!

Little in the middle but she got much back!

{End}

“… That was very disturbing…” grumbled Sasuke as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Naruto frowned. “Agreed.”

“… Bunch of shit.” Itachi looked away.

“I feel… unclean…” Choji shuddered.

“… Did you know that the new conditioner I've been using is made out of the finest shinobi flowers?” Orochimaru purred to Kabuto as they sat in a completely different corner of the room, conversing as if nothing had happened in the first place.

“That's because I made it especially for you, Lord Orochimaru,” replied the ninja casually.

“Kabuto… braid my hair.”

“Yes, Lord Orochimaru.” Kabuto sat behind his master and began to do as he was told. “Your hair is very lucious, my lord.”

“That it is, Kabuto,” purred the sannin, relaxing as the other played with his hair. “That it is…”

There was a pause as everyone watched the two for a silent moment.

Kakashi murred, “Well, I guess that means we can go back into the room now.”

“NOO!!” cried Iruka, limping across the room in an attempt to escape from the crazed copy ninja.

As some watched the two `lovebirds' frolic around the room, Gai blinked in confusion as he looked around elsewhere. “… I wonder why Lee hasn't come back yet…”

“You should probably go check to make sure his guts aren't splattered across the walls,” chimed Temari with a smirk.

Gai sighed and walked across the room and opened the door, casting his head inside for a glance.

His posture went rigid.

“…”

He then closed the door, returning to his previous spot. There was a slight look of horror on his face, as if he didn't know what to think.

“Hmm? What's the matter, Gai?” Kakashi purred from one of the corners as he held a flailing Iruka against him, “Where's Lee?”

“… He's sleeping…” The reply was faint.

Kankuro rolled his eyes, “All right, but what's Gaara doing?”

“… He's… sleeping.”

“… So in other words, they're sleeping,” huffed Temari.

“No, he's sleeping and he's sleeping,” replied Gai absently.

“Awww, I wanna seee!!” cooed Kakashi as he then scampered over with Iruka to the door, pulling it open gently before peering inside. Iruka was forced to do so, too.

“AWW!!” purred the jonin. Iruka's face was hidden, so no one knew what his reaction was.

“Dude, I wanna see, too!” Naruto bounced over, soon followed by the rest of the cast, excluding Gai, Temari, and Neji.

“I don't want to see my brother naked,” Temari turned her head away.

“…” Neji rolled his eyes.

Gai was silently crying.

“Awww!!!” sighed the mass at the door, except for Iruka, who mumbled something like, “… Isn't this called invading people's privacy?”

Nestled cutely within one another's arms, Gaara and Lee were gently tangled upon the bed, both of them sleeping soundly, fully clothed. Lee had an expression of pure bliss on his face, while Gaara's was… not much different than normal.

“… Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the day,” Kankuro chuckled as he turned around and walked back to Temari. “Gaara's either becoming sane, or he has no idea what he's doing.”

“Bowl-cut's taking advantage of our little brother's ignorance,” growled the older sibling.

“He looks happy, Temari,” Kankuro shrugged, “I'd say he's found inner peace at last.”

Temari shuddered. “With that freak of a ninja? Gaara is the Kazekage; that brat isn't worthy of him!”

Gai loomed over her with a deadly glare. “Who's not worthy of who?!”

After all the others had stepped away from the door, and it was again closed, most of them broke into useless chatter about… strange things. Ninja talk.

“Ooga ooga, brick brack, bzzt bzzt,” whispered Naruto excitedly.

“Tsunade fugli muka brrvip pava! Ha ha ha…” cackled Jiraiya to Kakashi, and it obviously was something perverted, because Iruka made a face.

“Heheheh…” replied Kakashi.

“ARGLE BARGLE!!” Tsunade slapped Jiraiya.

Naruto smiled, “Blech blech perveo blech blech.”

“Fucklotard.” Itachi rolled his eyes.

Then Gaara's door opened and the Kazekage poked his head out, looking thoroughly annoyed, “Would you all shut up? I'm trying to sleep.”

Gai began to cry again.

“I'm going back to bed now,” growled the sand ninja before closing the door again.

Gai began to sob even harder, and Tenten attempted to comfort him by patting him on the back. The jonin then fell to the ground with a howl, kneeling as he raised his hands to the ceiling in despair.

Gaara reappeared, “SHUT UP!!” he hissed, murder in his eyes.

{Meanwhile}

“I feel rather strange today, Kabuto,” sighed Orochimaru as he dreamily looked out the window.

“Perhaps it is all the singing, my lord.”

“Singing, hmm? You may be right. I should express this strange feeling that brews inside of me. What do you think?”

“Gaara's voice may sound like an angel, but yours is that of many.”

“… Whatever that means, thanks. I'm sure you meant it well,” Orochimaru frowned in puzzlement before he stood up, brushing back his braided hair over his shoulder.

{??? Mystery! Like The Magical Mystery Tour! … Heh… - Author 2}

Orochimaru: I feel pretty!
Oh so pretty!
I feel pretty and witty and gay!
And I pity any man who isn't me today!

Itachi: He's… singing…

Orochimaru: I feel charming!
Oh so charming!
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty that I hardly can believe I'm real!
See the handsome man in that mirror there?
Who can that attractive man be?
Such a pretty face!
Such a pretty robe!
Such a pretty smile!
Such a pretty me!
I feel stunning and entrancing!
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!

Jiraiya: Have you met my good friend Orochimaru?
The craziest man on the block?
You'll know him the minute you see him!
He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock!
He thinks he's in love!
Kakashi: He thinks he's in Spain!
Jiraiya: He isn't in love,
Kakashi: He's merely insane!
Jiraiya: It must be the heat,
Kakashi: Or some rare disease,
Jiraiya: Or too much to eat,
Naruto: Or maybe it's fleas!
Jiraiya: Keep away from him!
Send for Chino!
This is not the Orochimaru we know!
Modest and pure!
Polite and refined!

Naruto: You're joking, right?

Kakashi: Well-bred and mature,
And out of his mind!
Mister Shinobi, Mister Shinobi, speech!
Jiraiya: Mister Shinobi, bravo, speech!

Orochimaru: I feel pretty!
Oh so pretty!
That the city should give me its key!
A committee should be organized to honor me!

I feel dizzy!
I feel sunny!
I feel fizzy and funny and fine!
And so pretty!
Mister Shinobi can just resign!
See the handsome man in that mirror there?
Kabuto: What mirror, where?
Who can that attractive man be?
Sasuke: Which, what, where, whom?
Orochimaru: Such a pretty face!
Such a pretty robe!
Such a pretty smile!
Such a pretty me!

Orochimaru: I feel stunning!
And entrancing!
Feel like running and dancing for joy!
For I'm loved by a pretty wonderful boy!

{End}

Sasuke frowned as he put a hand to his forehead, giving off a sigh. “His love for himself radiates…”

“I can feel it,” nodded Kakashi, but then he paused, noticing that he had forgotten about Iruka and the said chuunin was inching towards one of the doors. “Oh, silly Iruka, where are you going?”

“EEP!” squeaked the ninja as he froze on the spot.

Kakashi drooled as he stared at the other for a while, unsure what to do at first, or more like what to sing. But then an idea came to mind and before anyone could say anything, he had Iruka flailing again as he walked back into the middle of the room.

“We shall sing a song that describes our profound love, Iruka-chan!” purred the other man, although Iruka seemed to pale.

“This should be interesting…” Jiraiya grinned.

{Love Will Find A Way}

The lights go low as Kakashi whips out two microphones from who knows where, handing another to Iruka, who refuses take it until the other shoves it down his shirt.

Kakashi: In a perfect world,
One we've never known.
We would never need to face the world alone.

Kakashi: They can have the world.
We'll create our own.
I may not be brave or strong or smart,
But somewhere in my secret heart,

Kakashi: I know,
Love will find a way.
Anywhere I go,
I'm home,
If you are there beside me.

Kakashi: Like dark turning into day.
Somehow we'll come through,
Now that I've found you.
Love will find a way.

At first, Iruka won't sing and he turns to Kakashi with a pale expression. “Do I have to sing?” he croaks weakly.

Kakashi: If you don't, I'll tie you up and punish you later.

Iruka: *pales*

Iruka: I was so… afraid,
Now I realize,
Love is never wrong,
And so it never dies.

Iruka: There's a perfect world,
Shining in your eyes…

Kakashi and Iruka: And if only they could feel it, too,
The happiness I feel with you…

Kakashi and Iruka: They'd know…
Love will find a way.
Anywhere we go,
We're home.
If we are there together…

Kakashi and Iruka: Like dark turning into day,
Somehow we'll come through,
Now that I've found you.
Love will find a way.

Iruka: I know love will find a… waaaay…

{Romantic music slowly ends and Kakashi leans forward and steals a kiss, since Iruka seemed to be entranced by singing.}

“Oops! I forgot the last line!” Kakashi smirked. “Lucky Iruka covered for me!”

“Wha…? … You mean I… sang the last line… alone?”

“Yes, and what a magnificent line it was!”

“YOU-”

“… So how many SANE people are down here?” Tsunade snarled. “I mean, even Ibiki's saner than some of you idiots!”

The group turned to look at Ibiki, who was spearing beetles on his kunai and giggling like a schoolgirl as they squirmed in their final, agonizing moments.

“Um… are you sure about that?” Kiba frowned.

“Yeah… he's not what I'd call… normal…” Sakura nodded.

Ino and Tazuna both sat up sharply and cried, “AMBUSH!” simultaneously, then groaned and grabbed at their throbbing heads.

“Damn, I thought she'd be down longer than that,” Itachi frowned. “Maybe I should have drugged her…”

“Hey, Ibiki!” Kakashi waved merrily at the head of the Torture and Interrogation Corp. “Why don't you sing next?”

“NOOOOO!!!!!!” But too late…

“Well, I could sing a kinky song by Lords of Acid…” drool came from the lunatic's mouth.

Kakashi shook his head, “Ah… no… As much as I love `Spank My Booty,' that song is R-rated. We can't hear it with children like Iruka around.”

“HEY!”

Ibiki thought for a few moments, “Ummm…”

“Do `The View.'” Everyone stared at Shikamaru. “Come on, Modest Mouse is awesome! Totally my kind of music…”

“So you're a stoner, Shikamaru?”

“Shut up, Kiba.”

“OH!” Ibiki's face brightened, “I know that song!”

“Then get on with it,” Tsunade sighed, “Honestly, I just don't care anymore…”

{The View}

Ibiki stands with his back to the crowd, then turns around sharply. Somehow, he too, has found a microphone, and out of nowhere, his Black Ops appear with various instruments.

Ibiki: Your gun went off.
Well, you shot off your mouth and look where it got you!
My mouth runs on, too.

Sakura: What's a gun?

Sasuke: Who knows? He's nuts, remember?

Ibiki: Shouts from both sides,

`Well, we've got the land but they've got the view!'
Well, now here's the clue.

To everyone's shock, Shino is playing a keyboard again.

Ibiki: Life- it rents us.
And, yeah, I hope it put plenty on you!
Well, I hope mine did, too.

Ibiki and the Black Ops: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well, it feels pretty soft to me,
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
Then I feel pretty blissfully.

Ibiki: Your gun went off.
Well, you shot off your mouth and look where it got you!
My mouth runs on, too.

Ibiki: Shouts from both sides,

`Well, we've got the land but they've got the view!'
Well, now here's the clue.

The Black Ops: We are fixed right where we stand.

Ibiki: Life- it rents us.
And, yeah, I hope it put plenty on you!
Well, I hope mine did, too.

The Black Ops: We are fixed right where we are.

Ibiki and the Black Ops: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well, it feels pretty soft to me,
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
Well, I feel pretty blissfully.

Shino: (Quietly) For every invention made how much time did we save?
We're not much farther than we were in the cave.

Ibiki: (Softly) As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
And it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
Well, I feel pretty blissfully.
If life's not beautiful without the pain,
Well, I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again.
Well, as life gets longer, awful feels softer,
And it… feels pretty soft to me!

Shino: For every good deed done there is a crime committed.
The Black Ops: We are fixed…
Shino: For every step ahead we could have just been seated.
The Black Ops: We are fixed…
Ibiki and Shino: As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me,
And if it takes shit to make bliss,
Well, I feel pretty blissfully!

The Black Ops: We are fixed… We are fixed… We are fixed… right where we stand!

{End}

Shikamaru smiled contentedly, “That's REAL music.”

“WHAH! WHHAAHH!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Shut up, Sakur-aaahh!” Sasuke ended in a cry of horror.

And no one blamed either of them, for in the center of the room was none other than Haku.

“… It's been a while.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!̶ 1;

{End of Part 1! Booyah!!! We're just getting started!!! - Author 2}