Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ The Hyuuga Swap ❯ Difficult Conversations ( Chapter 5 )

The Hyuuga Swap

(Chapter 5)

Neji x Naruto

 

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The front door slammed and Sasuke looked up from the aircraft model he was constructing. A blonde ball of discontent barreled through the doorway.

 

"What's eating you?" Sasuke asked as he tried to refit a piece of wing paneling that had shaken loose.

Naruto's scowl was mighty, as he breezed into the apartment like a Caribbean squall. He paused on his way to his room and said scathingly, "Oh, nothing. I just cheated on my girlfriend is all."

Sasuke dropped the piece again. "What? Just now?" Well, that was a surprise.

Naruto glared balefully. "Relatively just now, yes."

"With who?" Damn these models. They could be infuriating. Why did he keep buying them? "With... Neji?" Sasuke tried to soften the blow by sounding like he really needed the clarification. But there was no doubt in his mind what the answer would be.

Naruto's look darkened. "Don't you dare say, 'I told you so', or point out how stupid I was for not seeing this coming."

"I wasn't going to," Sasuke said distractedly. There. Finally got that piece to stay. He reached for the superglue. "I was planning to keep those thoughts to myself," he added with a mild smirk on his face.

"Bastard," Naruto grumbled. 

"Now, when you say you cheated..." Sasuke began, this time giving Naruto his full attention.

Naruto looked like he was debating sneaking off to his room to avoid this conversation, but Sasuke's sharp eyes pinned him down for an answer.

Naruto ran a hand through his spiky hair in agitation. "It means that things happened that I have neither the desire nor ability to express to you in graphic detail."

Sasuke chose to ignore the blonde's visual clues of 'stop pursuing this'. "Did you go all the way?" he asked calmly with raised eyebrows.

Naruto's face turned bright red. "No!"

"Are you still dating Hinata?"

"... currently."

Sasuke tsked and picked up the superglue again. Guilt would keep the dobe from running to his room, he was sure. "So it was a onetime thing then? Neji isn't into having a relationship?"

"Well..." Naruto walked over and flopped down on the couch. "I didn't exactly have a chance to ask." He laced his hands behind his head and stared at the speckled ceiling. "I mean, everything happened so fast, and then Hinata was waiting in the living room..."

Sasuke's head whipped around, and he looked at Naruto in shocked disbelief. "You cheated on her while she was there?!"

Naruto covered his face with his hands. "See? That's what I'm saying. It's messed up."

"Did you ever even kiss the girl before banging her cousin?" Ok, that was mean. But still, a valid question nonetheless.

"Don't make me come over there," Naruto threatened, not taking Sasuke's tone lightly. "And yes, we kissed. It was ok until Neji sort of came up on us. I think I almost had a heart attack."

"Well, you obviously like Neji more, considering everything. You just need to talk to him about it."

"But... He seemed to regret it... " Naruto sounded hesitant. "And I think we're both trying to just forget it ever happened."

"Do you regret it?"

"... No. I just feel really horrible that I cheated on Hinata."

"Maybe Neji feels guilty too, not regretful."

Naruto looked surprised at the notion.

"Talk to him," Sasuke advised.

"I can't."

"Why not?" Sasuke said with mild annoyance.

"I don't have his phone number or email or anything, and the only time I've seen him - Hinata's around." Naruto continued his staring contest with the ceiling, a small frown forming on his face. "Besides, it's probably better to just let it go. I don't think either of us ever planned to start dating guys. It was just a fluke or something."

"You're being stupid," Sasuke cut in. Blunt worked best for those predisposed to deluding themselves. And Naruto was wasting an awful lot of time making up excuses as to why he and Neji couldn't care about this thing, and how it would never work. He was trying to convince himself, not Sasuke. He was trying to avoid getting into a situation he thought would only hurt him. But here he was, already in it, and hurting others by default.

Naruto bolted half upright to deliver a devastatingly pissed off look. "WELL? What the hell else am I supposed to do?!"

Sasuke shrugged, unimpressed. "Just don't run away from it." Naruto was clinging to Hinata because that was the sort of relationship he thought he should have. He was blinding himself to the type of relationship he could have. Sasuke didn't know this Neji guy, but he knew Naruto. And Naruto was fixated.

A somewhat pained look crossed the blonde's face. Just a flicker of what he must be feeling inside, that he was hiding as expertly as usual. The mask he settled on in the next moment was annoyance and bravado. "Pfft. Fat lot of help you are," he said, flopping back down with a huff.

"You're the one that made yourself at home out here, dobe."

"I do live here, bastard," Naruto flipped back automatically. "Besides, are you trying to say this couch is like one of those psychiatrist ones? And that I'd come to you for advice? Ha!"

Sasuke schooled his expression to one of bland annoyance although he was smirking on the inside. Naruto had just hit the nail on the head. Sprawling on the couch like that was always a sign that he wanted or needed to talk. And he did always seem to expect some form of wisdom to be handed down to him...

"Hey, Naruto," Sasuke interrupted the blonde's mumblings to himself. He couldn't resist...

"What?"

"You think I should charge?"

Sasuke scrambled to protect his precious, but vexing model from the pillow that was unceremoniously launched at his head.

 

---

That was one experience Neji never wanted to repeat in his entire life.

Not the part with Naruto. That was... indescribable. Amazing. The massive guilt that crushed him notwithstanding.

No. Hell was the living room, populated by three people. One of which was happily oblivious to the heat and sulfur swallowing the other two. An apt analogy, that. Most people would see what they'd done as wrong. Something that would hurt Hinata... a betrayal of trust and undermining of her feelings... and on top of that - that they were both boys... half of society would see that as an unforgivable sin worth burning for.

But having been there, experiencing something like that, he'd realized his assumptions about intimacy and gender had been off. He wasn't thinking of Naruto as a boy when he'd wanted to get close to him, but as a person. A mind contained within a body. A person that just had something about them. Something Neji couldn't resist.

In hindsight, he didn't understand why people got so bent out of shape on who you wanted to sleep with, and if they were the same gender. A person is a person, and you couldn't really choose who your heart went with, or who you desired. 

No. He could deal with aspersions of society if need be. It was stupid to worry about denying yourself something simply because others didn't 'get' it. What was killing him was this guilt.

Even knowing that he and Naruto had some sort of unspoken draw to each other that Hinata could never hope to match... he felt wretched. Because whether Naruto and Hinata were together or not wasn't for him to decide. He knew that, which is why he'd tried to distance himself. Why he'd tried so hard to keep his distance from the blonde. He cared about his cousin, and didn't want to hurt her. She was the only family he had that he could say that about. Hinata was genuine, and a good person, even if she was a little annoying at times. She was just like a little sister to him.

But when it came down to a test of will, he'd eventually folded and given in to temptation. Guilt wracking him, he'd immersed himself in Naruto.

And he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

That's how messed up this was. Guilt was eating him alive, and he wouldn't take back what happened, even if he could.

And that made him feel even worse.

Where had his morals gone? His stoic ideals? His freaking self-control??

 

Much of this ran through his mind as they sat in the hell formerly known the living room. He'd sent Naruto out first since he was the one Hinata wanted to see, and gave them a few minutes alone so that Naruto would have a chance at focusing on her and acting normal. Whatever that was for him when he was around Hinata.

Neji wasn't sure, but he thought his own presence might be a distraction to the blonde. Ha. Understatement.

He brought with him a watercolor drawing he'd just started, so he'd have something to keep his attention on that wasn't Naruto. It was all lines so far except for a wash of blue that was a pale imitation of the blue eyes that were searching for his. He refused to open that connection. Not now, and certainly not in front of his cousin. Unless Naruto broke things off with her, that connection would need to be ignored at all costs.

"Were you working on a new one?" Hinata asked with interest, indicating the pad in his hands as he sat in the black leather sling-back chair. She was leaning against Naruto, her arm looped through his, a relaxed smile on her face that was not mirrored by the blonde. She didn't notice this however as Naruto was on the far side - essentially behind her as she looked at her cousin.

Neji nodded and flipped to a fresh page. "Brand new." He couldn't work on the other, he'd realized suddenly, putting the watercolors, water, and brush aside. He had to start completely fresh. Colorless. The blue compelled him to look up at the picture's inspiration. He picked up the extra-fine black ink pen.

One would think that his quietness might bother his cousin, but she was aware he didn't speak much when he was working on something. She focused on Naruto once more, pulling him into conversation that streamed into a rhythmic flow of empty syllables in Neji's ears as he moved his pen. Lulled into the sweeping lines of ink, and the process of laying them out against the stark white of the thickly woven paper, Neji couldn't escape the feeling of being watched. Long curved arch, then three short strokes. It wasn't Hinata. A spiral, another curving line... A series of crosshatched marks... His hand started to shake. Just the barest of tremors. The weight of that gaze was palpable.       

After a time, Neji retreated to the kitchen to make coffee. Mostly, it was just to get away from those eyes. He wasn't meeting them, but he could feel them upon him. Deep blue eyes that were like still pools, gleaming darkly. They were the most expressive eyes he'd ever seen, the most sincere and yet the most difficult - offering everything on the surface while obscuring what truly lay beneath.

He shook his head to dispel the image.

Naruto was almost as complicated as he was in some respects. He wore his heart on his sleeve, so to speak, but it was a false heart. Naruto's true feelings seemed locked up tight, a phantom in his normally shining blue eyes. He could see this just from watching the blonde with his cousin, and interacting with him personally in just a short time. The happiness was a mask, and Neji had made it slip more than once. The smiles were smokescreens, hiding reactions and thoughts. Not that all of them were false, just some. There was a practiced warmness to the fake ones. You could catch it if you were really looking and had seen a few real ones for comparison.

Naruto seemed reticent to completely be himself... but why?

"Neji?" Hinata's voice sounded questioning, with a note of concern.

Neji was startled out of his thoughts, but gave no outward indication of that. "Yes?" Act like nothing's wrong, and most times, people won't question you.  Maybe that's the rule Naruto had been living by too...

"I saw you were making coffee... Is there - ?"

"I made enough for everyone," Neji said lightly with a small smile for his cousin, trying to reign in his thoughts so he could concentrate on the here and now. He glanced at the pot and saw it had brewed while he'd been recklessly pondering. He'd also managed to get out three mugs, creamer and sugar without realizing. Damn. He was being obvious then. Hinata had already known he'd made enough for all of them, she was merely trying to break into his reverie tactfully.

"It's about done now," he added uselessly. Don't look at Naruto, he told himself fiercely as an urge to see the blonde's reaction to his odd behavior rose suddenly. They came up to the counter as he poured the bitter liquid into the cups and added the necessities that made it exceedingly drinkable.

"Here, Hinata," he started to say, holding out the mug while he went to pick up the other, but it was Naruto's hand that came up to take it from him, brushing against his fingertips.

A simple touch, but one that commanded his entire being.  Neji found himself looking up reflexively and felt a sharp pang in his chest as he re-visited every detail about the blonde's face. The connection flared open, and Neji could see all of the things Naruto was feeling reflected in his liquid blue eyes. warm/defensive/uncertain/pained/assertive. And Naruto's fingers sliding between his, taking the cup, but oh so much more. Neji felt his expression slip, only the barest amount, but it was enough to jolt him into pulling away.

Neji handed Hinata her coffee cup, and took a large sip from his own. Calm... be calm...

"Not the Irish coffee this time?" Hinata asked with what sounded like a trace of disappointment.

"We all know each other well enough now - I don't think we need any alcohol to break the ice." Boy, and if that wasn't an understatement.

Naruto choked on his coffee a little.

Hinata patted him on the back. "So, what were you guys doing in there?"

Naruto started coughing and turned a flattering shade of oxygen-starved red.

"Listening to music," Neji replied as casually as possible, dismayed at the blonde's over-the-top reaction. Hinata was giving the blonde a strange look that equated to more than just concern for his longevity.

"Naruto, there's a bathroom down the hall if you need to use it," Neji offered, giving him an out that was gratefully accepted. 

Naruto nodded weakly and slipped off the stool, disappearing down the hall in a trail of coughing.

"I hate when coffee goes down the wrong way," Neji remarked, taking a sip of his. "The lungs just don't have an appreciation for it."

"Do you think he'll be ok?"

"He's still breathing."

"Neji... you're observant..." Hinata changed tracks.

Neji braced himself. With a setup like that...

"Well," Hinata kept glancing down the hall as if afraid Naruto would have recovered in the five seconds he was gone and was already on his way back out. "Do you think Naruto... has been acting odd?"

Neji shrugged. "You know him better than I do, right?" He didn't think that was the case, but Hinata really should know him better since she was the one dating him. It was an evasion tactic, he'd admit. He didn't want her to ask him advice about Naruto. He wasn't unbiased. He -

"I guess what I meant to say, is do you think he really likes me?"

Neji died a little inside. Of all the questions to ask.

"What do you think?" That was as impartial as he could get. And how easy it would be to take things into his own hands... to end their relationship... To make that decision for all of them. 

Part of him really struggled to let that idea go. He was beginning to hate that part. It was complicating things consistently.

"Well, I don't know," she said, "Maybe I'm being silly. But sometimes I wonder if we really understand each other. Naruto doesn't always feel present. I was wondering if maybe something might have happened that was bothering him... I'd ask, but I don't know if he would share that with me."

"Maybe you should ask. Don't you think communication is an important part of a relationship?" Impartial again, Neji congratulated himself.

"Hmm. I suppose so." She looked up at him with a smile. "Thanks for listening."

See? Impartial is good. Otherwise you'd have felt like a real asshole after a look like that. "Sure."

A few minutes later, Naruto shuffled out into the living room. He threw a sheepish smile on his face and ruffled the hair at the back of his head. It was disarmingly cute. "Sorry you had to witness my unending battle with breathing."

Hinata smiled. "I'm glad you're ok."

Neji was relieved Naruto was back to joking.

"It's a bit late, so I should be going anyway," Naruto said. He seemed to be having an easier time of things - since he came back in the room, he had expertly avoided Neji's eyes. He gave Hinata a hug, promising to call her later. Neji swallowed the jealousy that surfaced as the two embraced. Reigned it in hard as Hinata caught Naruto's arm and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips.

Just as quickly, the blonde boy was gone.

Neji lay on his bed, staring at the darkness of the ceiling. His room, once filled with sound during his every waking moment was silent again. A cold lethargy to fit his empty mood.

He couldn't tell now if Naruto's smile was fake or not. That was only doable if one was an innocent bystander. And at this stage of the game, he was neither.


---

Naruto woke abruptly to a rapidly beating heart and a pounding head.

It was dark in his room, quiet. Nothing in its shrouded messiness was the source of the cold sweat dampening his hair or the feeling of having narrowly escaped certain death but only for the moment. He stared into blackness, eyes alighting on the cold faint light that touched the edges of certain objects, identifying things by contour while he waited for sense to come to him.

He'd been dreaming.

Running, being chased, fear. The mosaic of his unconscious memories was fading faster every second, leaving him only with this feeling of being painfully alert. Fight or flight mode. But there was nothing to fight or flee from. Or was there? Maybe nothing in the form of an enemy, but maybe his dream was more of an analogy for something else?

Damn, he thought, I'm no good at stuff like this. Introspection was not his strong suit, yet lately he'd been doing it to excess.

Still... What would he be trying to run away from?

It actually took several minutes for him to connect to reality through the haze sleep had cast upon him, despite his apparent 'alertness'.

When he remembered Neji, flashes of imagery came unbidden: rich dark hair, solemn eyes, the almost reverent press of lips. They hit him like a sucker-punch to the gut. Like a flood, they washed over him. Through him. Each eliciting some instant reaction or another, like a quickening in his belly or fluttering of his heart, before twisting and slamming into his chest like a twisted thorn. Poisoning him from the core.

What had happened between last night and today? He'd been ok when he'd talked to Sasuke. He was convinced that moving on from this was best, that it was their unspoken agreement, that he was fine with it. Now the thought of drawing lines in the sand... keeping to these new boundaries... after they had been so close and he had been let inside the hard shell that surrounded the dark haired boy like armor... to be back on the outside again, searching those smooth walls for a chink, a crack, anything to validate what he knew he'd seen on the inside...

What had really driven it home to him was afterward in the living room.

Despite his self-hatred at having cheated on Hinata, he couldn't help but feel a sort of peace underneath it all. There was a connection that had flared open between he and Neji that almost felt spiritual. Precious.  Yes, despite the whirlwind of complications, deep within him was a feeling of validation and wonder. It was hard to focus on, buried as it was by the guilt/shame that was suffocating him as Hinata smiled and snuggled up to him. His arm felt dead and lifeless as she clung to it.

Was this a sign?

Was this the universe's way of showing him that one's expectations meant nothing in the greater scope of things? That he'd been so focused on trying to be with Hinata, he hadn't seen this thing... this force between himself and her cousin. That he may in fact be with the wrong person.

Or scarier yet, that the things he felt existed between he and Neji were nothing but fabrications of his own imagination, and all he'd managed to discover is that the one person who seemed to like him, Hinata namely, was not right for him. The thought of Neji not feeling anything for him was more painful than anything else. Amazingly so.

When Neji emerged from the hallway, Naruto felt his heart leap sickly in his chest.

It wasn't all in his imagination, right? It wasn't just something physical, what they had done...

Naruto searched the other boy's face. His beautifully porcelain-esque face was set in stoic chill once more. He looked so distant. Nonchalant.

Naruto bit the inside of his lip.  This Neji was like a completely different person from the one that had whispered in his ear so passionately not long ago, who had looked at him with those drowning, silvery pale eyes as they touched...

He wouldn't meet Naruto's gaze.

His face started to betray some expression as he bent over the watercolor pad while he moved his pen in unknown patterns, but by and large, he avoided Naruto altogether and with a face as blank as the fresh white sheets that would eventually all bear his mark.


He chatted with Hinata while watching Neji the entire time, but it wasn't until the coffee that Naruto saw his chance. The brunette looked lost in thought, waiting for the coffee to brew.  A small crease had formed between his eyes, the only indication that we wasn't merely spacing out. Such an infinitesimal nuance of expression, but one that echoed the Neji Naruto had been searching for all this time. 

Still waters run deep. The old expression was apt.

Naruto reached for the mug Neji held out in his distraction, knowing it would be offered to Hinata first. Neji seemed determined to treat him as an afterthought. It made Naruto feel a little confrontational, if he was honest with himself. He slid his fingers along Neji's, a caress; it could be taken as nothing else as Naruto made no move to grasp the mug. All at once he was feeling the full force of those gorgeous mist blue eyes on his, and was privy at long last to glimpse behind the curtain -

For a small moment, the veil was lifted. Emotion flowed like water, changing, morphing in those eyes before suddenly they were still once more, and Neji was turning away.

So the noncommittal attitude was a front.

The tension knotting Naruto's chest eased a little. A lot, actually. Suddenly, the end of the world had been pushed back a few days, and he'd been given breathing space. Which was fantastic. At least until Hinata expressed interest in their earlier activities, prompting coffee to shoot down into all that new breathing space and he suddenly found that he couldn't. Breathing, friends, is NEVER overrated.

In the bathroom, Naruto realized: Imminent death has a way of clearing your head. There's just something about it that puts things neatly into perspective.

He had no control over how Neji felt, or how he himself felt. But he did have control over his own behavior. If he went on like he had been, he was being unfair to Hinata, putting undue pressure on Neji, and stressing himself into an early grave. He should just go with the flow. Live and let live. Take quality interaction as it was given, and not expect more.

If he and Neji would be nothing more than friends, that would be ok. Not that they were friends even now, but perhaps they could establish themselves as such, and move away from heated glances and the trappings of desire....

Ok, that was a dismaying thought.

Neji was overwhelming to be around. Tapping down all of those things in order to be 'friends' was going to be damn hard. Naruto gripped the sides of the white ceramic sink.

He reluctantly regarded himself in the mirror. Ridiculously blonde hair. Ridiculously blue eyes. Healthy tan. Personally, Naruto thought that was one of his best features - the warm golden glow to his skin when he'd gotten even just a little time in the sun. But he doubted that was much of a draw for someone who seemed to avoid the sun, and looked exceptional while doing so.

Naruto went over his face critically, wondering what he possibly had that would interest someone like Neji. He looked, in his opinion, rather average. Unimpressive. Neji was striking. About as unordinary as you could get. Just like his kisses. His mind-robbingly sexy kisses. Naruto's skin flushed. A little spark of heat, warming his entire body.

God. How was he supposed to be 'friends' with someone like that?

Friends shouldn't be physical like they were.

And could they really be called friends, when Naruto would be harboring this secret vice, knowing that if Neji beckoned to him - he would be powerless to resist?

Why did everything have to be so damned complicated?


In the dark of his room, Naruto tried to stop reminiscing.  He'd already decided to pretend like nothing had happened. He'd even made an effort to try and joke like he used to when he came out of the bathroom - and Neji had seemed relieved.  So that was how things were going to be.

He clutched his over sized stuffed penguin pillow to his chest. The soft feel of it against his cheek was comforting. Sasuke had gotten it as a gag gift for him one Christmas and was amazed that Naruto had actually really liked it. Its beak was bright orange, which was an added bonus. Secretly Sasuke was just annoyed that Naruto's tastes were so deviant to his own that he merely had to buy stuff he thought would be a total bomb, and Naruto would by default like it. It was a source of endless amusement to Naruto. Sasuke got back at him by sewing the Uchiha family crest to the penguin's butt. That backfired when Naruto had merely howled with laughter - discovering for the first time, that Sasuke knew how to sew.

Ah, good times.

Naruto knew he was damned lucky to have a best friend like Sasuke.  Many people couldn't say the same. So why couldn't he just be happy, and stop feeling sorry for himself that his love life was so seriously fucked up?  `Relationships may come and go, but friends are forever.' Pfft. What a load that was. People were so transient. In another few months or maybe a year, the names of Hinata or Neji might not even be on the charts. They'd have disappeared into whatever ether people emerge from briefly, long enough to get you attached before they fade back in it again.

Thank God he had Sasuke, really. If he ever disappeared like everyone else, it'd be the last straw. You hear me, bastard? he thought in his general direction. If you ever try disappearing on me, I will find you and personally beat your ass into oblivion.

Sasuke would likely just snort in amusement at that. Oh well. That's to be expected of smug know-it-all bastards.

"See, Bucky?" he told the inanimate penguin, holding it out and looking at it earnestly. "We're lucky as it is. To ask for any more is just being selfish."

The penguin looked back at him with bland ice blue eyes.

"Traitor," he muttered at it. "You would have to have eyes like his."

Not my fault, Bucky seemed to say. Quit obsessing.

"Oh shut up, Bucky." Naruto said moodily. He hugged it back to his chest and they both stared at the wall. "You wouldn't understand. You're just a stuffed penguin, after all."

Bucky, naturally, was silent.

"I just can't get him out of my head." Along with thoughts of the long-haired boy came the increasingly familiar crushing weight in his chest. "Damn it all. I think I'm upset that I don't know what he's really thinking.  I think... I want to be in a relationship with him..."  Do I really? Is that what this is about? I'm torn up because I want to date the guy? Hell, that's news to me... Look at all this stuff I learn about myself, just by running my mouth.

Naruto's mouth was still on autopilot. He listened as he spoke in stream of consciousness

"But I'm afraid that for him, it was just experimentation or something... and that I'm going to be left holding the bag. Harboring these feelings I never asked for, while he goes on about his life, unencumbered. And the thing is, we hardly know each other - so why do I have all of these fears and expectations??"

Silent Bucky.

Reliable Bucky. An ever-present smile on his little penguin head.

"Bucky, you're lucky you're stuffed. Life is too damned complicated when you're real."


________________________

TBC

 

A/N:

Thank you for the lovely reviews! They put a smile on my face (some make me lol with glee) and they inspire me to write faster ^_^ I don't always have time to reply to all of them (not that there are so many, I just have an itsy bit of time for any fanfic-ing related stuff in general. *sigh*), but I do my best. Know that every word is appreciated (*rabidly hoards the words and stores under tongue*). Thank you.

Most of what is eating my time is my plunge back into doujinshi, AND learning Manga Studio (I got sick of using photoshop for text and tones. Uuuugh). So, I'll be doing the ink/text/tone on the 30 pg Hikaru no Go story (eek, I started that *months* ago) and ink/text/tone for a new Axel x Roxas 7 pager. In addition to that, I am 8 pages into a L x Light Deathnote Doujin. (It's based off a story my flatmate is crafting which has not been posted yet, but the story kicks SO much ass. Hotness. Drool. I badger her and encourage her in order to get her writing fingers moving, with success, so it will get posted soon. She wanted to write the whole thing first and is a mere 2 chapters away.)

This little ficlet only has a few more chapters to go. Then, I'll start posting what I've been writing for Axel x Roxas. (Taking place after `The Transience of Memory', it is a 5 or so chapter fic entitled `The Search'.)