Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ The Travesty of Naruto ❯ Chapter 1

Travesty of Naruto!!

 

Title: The Travesty of Naruto
Author: kajamiku and balafeo
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: Um... I'll get back to you XDD
Warnings: yaoi and yuri pairings, possible death from laughter
Summary: A completely mad self-insert that is supposed to be a humorous as possible. We make fun of practically everyone (even ourselves XD), and pair up whoever we feel like. There are also two MPREGs eventually too ^^ Keep in mind that we're planning to change the first chapter, so it might well be re-posted later. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Announcer: Please welcome your special guests! `Feo and Kaja!

 

Crowd: *goes wild* Whoo *wolf whistles*

 

`Feo: `sank you vary much! *bows*

 

Kaja: *giggles* I love having an audience ^^

 

Announcer: And now, your fabulous prize! A one-way trip to Konoha!

 

Audience: WTF?

 

Kaja: *blinks* eh?

 

`Feo: Lovely!

 

Big white flashy light… (Audience: Oooooh!) Kaja and `Feo are transported.

 

Announcer: Little do they know…

 

**

 

One bright day in Konoha…

 

“Ow! My arse!” Exclaims `Feo. Kaja grins and takes a look around, frowning at the sun and hissing at the `light-ness' of her surroundings. `Feo waves her arms around wildly. “What're we going to do?!”

 

“Akamaru!” A loud call echoes around the corner, as a small white dog launches itself at Kaja's head. Kaja promptly falls over in surprise, legs sticking up into the air; she gains an anime sweatdrop.

 

“Wow… I really am in an anime!” Kaja grumbles, sitting up and tearing the white fluff ball from her head. “Aw! Cute!” She hugs it, grinning. A boy with a furry hood comes running around the corner, stopping short when he realises that there are two strangely dressed girls in the middle of the road, one of whom was clutching his dog.

 

“Oi! What're you doing to Akamaru?” He stops when he realises his partner is licking the girl's face. `Feo pulls a face.

 

“But… he's white!” She exclaims, craning around to take a closer look at the puppy. The boy stands off to one side, scratching the back of his head, unsure what to do or say as he examines the two odd girls.

 

“Kiba! Kiba! Where the hell did you go, dog-boy?” A boy wearing outrageous orange attire came running up, half-dragging a rather stoic boy with dark hair. `Feo is practically drooling at the sight.

 

“Dobe…” The dark haired one mutters as they came to a halt. The one the girls assume to be called Kiba only grins.

 

“Shut up teme!” The blonde one, in his rather scary orange, retorts. `Feo leans closer to Kaja and whispers, none too quietly:

 

“There's something going on there…”

 

“No there is NOT!” The blonde one yells, echoed by the other boy, making both girls exchange knowing looks. He peered closer to the two girls, barely inches from their faces as he looked them over. “What're you wearing?” He is promptly smacked from two sides.

 

“As if you can talk.” `Feo responded, folding her arms. The dark haired one smirked at that; `Feo almost died. A sudden `poof' announced someone else's arrival.

 

“You're late!” The blond one yells. A man with copious amounts of untamed grey hair raised his hand in greeting, his visible eye crinkling with good humour.

 

“Ohayo, sorry I'm late! Hokage-sama just declared her undying love for me, so I had to find a way to let her down gently.” Looks of disbelief spread across the watching boys.

”Yeah right!” The blonde scoffs, pointing at the taller man accusingly. “Kakashi-sensei, your excuses are lame.” The grey haired man only chuckles, glancing over at the two girls; Kaja almost dies.

 

“So… are you attached?” Kaja asks, moving obtrusively close to Kakashi. `Feo drags her away with some difficulty, muttering curses under her breath.

 

“No I'm not…” Kakashi points at the girls and looks at the watching boys. “Who are they?” The blonde shrugs cluelessly.

 

“Who are we? Who are you?” `Feo asks, narrowing her eyes at them.

 

“I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be the one to be the next Hokage! Oh, that's the best ninja in the village of Konoha.” He added, beaming at them.

 

“Oh.”

 

“I'm Kiba.” The furry-hooded one grins. “And that's Akamaru.” He gestures at the puppy still wagging its tail in Kaja's arms.

 

“Uchiha Sasuke.” The dark haired one says smoothly. `Feo fans herself and Kaja rolls her eyes, only to be distracted by Kakashi again.

 

“Eh… another one to add to the Sasuke fan club…” Naruto pouts. “But… you do know he's gay, right?” `Feo sighs in disappointment.

 

“But… you're not… are you?” Kaja asks Kakashi, only to receive a smack around the back of the head from `Feo… again.

 

“We'd better take them back to Konoha, right Akamaru?” The little dog yaps happily, leaping from his refuge in Kaja's arms and crawls up his top, to poke his head out of the collar. Kaja and `Feo stand up, but Kaja takes a sly glance at Kakashi and feigns pain, falling to the ground clutching her ankle. Naruto looks concerned, wandering over and blocking the hopeful look Kaja was sending in Kakashi's direction.

 

“Are you okay? I can carry you if you want?” He suggests helpfully. Kaja immediately scrambles to her feet, ignoring the look `Feo sent.

 

“No, no!” Kaja holds up her hands. “That's alright, I'm sure I can walk on my own!” She protests. `Feo, while watching the proceedings, `slyly' moves to stand closer to Sasuke. Naruto grins and shrugs, turning to lead the way back to the village. Kaja watches him go, and then glances back to the side, almost leaping from her skin when Kakashi was standing incredibly close, his eye crinkling.

 

“Can't be too careful though, ne?” He says, picking Kaja up bridal style, much to her obvious enjoyment, and `Feo's exasperation.

 

**

 

[Back in Konoha]

 

After introductions to the Hokage, Tsunade-sama, other genins had joined the group; they were showing the two girls around the village.

 

Kaja nudges `Feo. “We struck lucky! A party on our first day here! Plus all the yummy boys we can eat!” She grins and does a dance, wriggling her eyebrows suggestively. `Feo nods in agreement.

 

“Neji! Where's your stalker girl?” Naruto yells, across the enormous distance of a few metres. The boy's purple-white eyes turned slightly.

 

“What? Tenten? She got knocked out by Tsunade-sama's breasts.” He replied in a smooth monotone, making Kaja crack up.

 

Kaja then pulled a sceptical face, approaching the green-clad Jounin walking in front of her. She raised a hand and gave him a poke in the back of the head, raising an eyebrow as he span around blinking. “Are you real?” She asked. He grinned, giving her the thumbs up as his teeth made a blinding `ping'. His smaller clone span around, mimicking the pose.

 

“Ah! Gai-sensei!” He said enthusiastically. “You're so cool!” `Feo blinks and prods Shikamaru, leaning over to speak with him.

 

“Is he being sarcastic?” She asked, frowning.

 

“…No.” He says with an elaborated sigh, looking at the clouds absently. Kaja gave Gai another poke and then glanced at Lee, shaking her head and giving up as she wandered back to `Feo. She nicks a crisp from the almost empty packet her friend is holding, almost choking when Choji appeared from nowhere.

 

“NO ONE EATS THE LAST POTATO CHIP!” He bellows, eyes burning as he snatches the last crisp and immediately simmers down, making Shikamaru sigh again. Kaja and `Feo glance at each other, then `Feo holds up another crisp.

 

“But… this is the last one.” `Feo says looking slightly traumatised as Choji reaches forward and seizes that one too.

 

“STOP!” Naruto yells suddenly, forcing everyone into action; kunai and shurikans drawn and at the ready.

 

“What is it?” Gai asks. “Ah, Kakashi! Another chance for me to show my superiority!” He declares. Kakashi scratches the back of his head.

 

“Did you say something?” He asks, glancing over his book at Gai. Gai raises a fist and gains starry eyes; `ah Kakashi! Your wit is unrivalled! That is why you are a worthy opponent!'

 

“What is it Naruto?” Sasuke asks quietly, scanning the rooftops and alleys for possible enemies.

 

“…RAMEN!” Naruto states, pointing at the food stand. Everyone falls over. He spins around and faces `Feo. “You owe me!” `Feo covers her face with one hand.

 

“I knew I shouldn't have made that bet…”

 

*FLASHBACK:

“He never says anything…” `Feo grumbles, walking beside Naruto and watching Sasuke's back… well, ass… but that's not the point. “I doubt anyone could make him say more than two words to them…” She said, shaking her head.

“Ah! I could!” Naruto argues, grinning widely.

“Oh really?” `Feo considers this. “Okay, whoever manages to make him say more than two words to them wins.”

“If I win, you can buy me ramen!” Naruto says, all too eagerly.

“Fine, fine. But if I win… you have to set me up with one of your mates. Deal?”

“Deal.”

END FLASHBACK*

 

“What happened with the bet?” Lee asked with wide-eyes.

 

`Feo sighed. “We drew. He said some rather unsightly things to the two of us… but his arse is very firm.” She commented, smiling contentedly.

 

**

 

[Skip to Party… oh, it's night now ^^]

 

The girls came fashionably late of course, after shopping for new clothes for the two new arrivals. Kaja was having a rather heated argument with Sakura (involving some words and phrases it would not be appropriate to repeat to younger readers), while `Feo was chatting away happily to Ino and Hinata.

 

“…just ask him!” `Feo was telling Hinata, while the shorter girl was blushing and staring at her own feet.

 

“I wouldn't have gotten anywhere if I were so timid!” Ino added, hands on hips, giving a sly glance at Choji. By the time the group of girls reached the field where the party was being held, Sakura and Kaja had their backs to one another and were pointedly ignoring each other. Kaja was soon lured away by the sight of a familiar grey-haired Jounin. Lee came bounding over at full throttle, eyes pinned on Sakura.

 

“Sakura-san!” He said, coming to a halt beside her. `Feo threw her hands up.

 

“Is everyone either paired off or gay?” She exclaimed in exasperation, starting when Naruto seemed to appear from nowhere.

 

“No! I still need to keep up my end of the bargain.” He said, slyly dragging `Feo into the crowd of people and shoving her into Neji… literally.

 

“I should make bets with Naruto more often…” `Feo murmured, blinking up into Neji's strange eyes.

 

Meanwhile… some more guests were arriving.

 

Shikamaru, noticing the appearance of the blonde sand-nin, slowly climbed to his feet and meandered over to her. “Temari-kun.” He greeted, smiling lazily, hands in his pockets. Temari grinned at him.

 

Iruka, who had met the three sand-nin at the gates, moved over to the group of Jounin, who were standing in the corner `chaperoning'.

 

“Okay,” Kakashi declared loudly, gaining everyone's attention, “glad you're all here. Now, I only have one rule for this party…” There is a still hush, everyone listening attentively to whatever the famous copy-nin might say. “No making out.” He stares around at the surrounding people. “Unless I am involved.”

 

**

 

[A little later… and when I say a little; I mean a lot]

 

“I've heard of fashionably late… but this is taking it a little too far.” Kaja stated, sighing as everyone went silent to watch the three newcomers approach the party. `Feo suddenly points wildly at the one on the left.

 

“I-it's… an older, slightly less sexy Sasuke look-alike!” She called out, still being clutched by a slightly putout looking Neji (it's just hard to tell). Sasuke and Itachi (the look-alike) glared at each other for a few moments, and then simultaneously, looked away. Itachi headed for the buffet table.

 

“…I'm here to get pissed.” He muttered.

 

The other two advanced towards Sasuke, Naruto, `Feo and Kaja… who thanks to the miracle of anime, were now standing together.

 

“Sasuke-kun.” The pale snake-eyed one said. The one behind him adjusted his glasses, smiling smugly.

 

“Orochimaru!” Naruto glared, red chakra flaring around him as he stepped in front of Sasuke protectively. Orochimaru smirked.

 

“Don't take him, take me!” Everyone looked at Kaja, who was eyeing Orochimaru with interest. `Feo slapped a hand to her face in vexation. Sasuke and Naruto looked disbelieving. Kabuto, the jealous henchman, stalked over to Kaja and glared at her.

 

“What makes you think you're worthy of Orochimaru-sama?” Whatever else Kabuto was about to say, was abruptly cut off, as Kaja backhanded him across the face, knocking his glasses to the ground, without even looking. A sharp intake of breath was heard around the group.

 

`Feo mutters to herself. “I really can't take her anywhere…”

 

Kabuto looked about ready to dissect Kaja, raising a threatening hand, but was startled into pausing when Orochimaru let out an amused laugh. Orochimaru turned to look at Sasuke. “I have no further interest in you, Sasuke-kun.” He said, soon returning his gaze to Kaja. Naruto and Sasuke shared a high five. Orochimaru held out a hand for Kaja and she went to him, not forgetting to stick out her tongue at Kabuto as she passed.

 

`Feo mutters to herself again. “The plot thickens…”

 

To no one bar `Feo and Kaja's surprise, as soon as Kaja reached him, he leant forward and bit her on the neck.

 

`Feo mutters to herself… again again. “She deserved that one…” She stalks off to find Neji, bored with Kaja's drama and hoping to make a little of her own.

 

Kaja faints, caught by one of Orochimaru's arms, and the ones who know about the curse seals, brace themselves for screams of pain. To everyone's surprise, Kaja opens her eyes and makes a small sound of delight. “Oooh… he's good!”

 

Kakashi, somewhere in the crowd, sighs deeply. “I guess I'm gonna have to try harder then.”

 

Somewhere in the distance…

 

“You have no eyebrows…” `Feo complained to a grumpy looking redhead. “But I approve of the eyeliner, very `with it'”

 

The redhead ignored `Feo and spoke to Neji instead, “I dislike this person. I may have to kill her…” `Feo shuddered slightly and hid behind Neji.

 

“Gaara, if you were to do such a thing, I would have to invoke pain upon you.” Neji stated blandly, causing `Feo to go all starry eyed.

 

“How bothersome.” Shikamaru was heard saying somewhere behind them.

 

A little later…

 

`Feo screams and Kaja runs to her `rescue' (basically to laugh at whatever frightened her). “It's a giant frog!” She cries, pointing at the huge red frog, with an opium pipe hanging from his mouth.

 

“…You're right.” Kaja says, nodding solemnly. The frog suddenly made a `poof' and disappeared into a cloud of white smoke, leaving behind a strangely dressed old man with long white hair. He strikes a pose and begins to hop comically on one leg. Kaja starts laughing, gaining the man's attention; he flushes and makes a rather perverted leer as he jogs over to Kaja and `Feo.

 

“Ehhhh! Kawaii!” The white haired man begins to introduce himself. “I am one of the three legendary sennin! I am the renowned frog hermit.” He begins to hop on one leg again, and Kaja appears behind him, stretching out a leg and sending him crashing to the ground. His eyes are whirling as he makes small winces of discomfort. Kaja cackles. “…Jiraiya-sama!” He manages to finish.

 

“Ero-sennin!” Naruto calls, running over and standing beside him, jumping up and down. “You promised to teach me a new jutsu!” Jiraiya makes a miraculous recovery and stands up, grinning down at his student.

 

“Later! Later!” He says, returning his attention to Kaja and `Feo. “First, introduce me to these two lovely ladies…” He trails off when he realises they are no longer there. He begins to look around frantically. “Ehhhh!”

 

`Feo and Kaja are dodging between groups of people; glancing back with panic-stricken expressions to make sure the perverted sennin was not following. “Split up!” `Feo suggests, disappearing in one direction as Kaja goes in the other.

 

Meanwhile, at the buffet table… Itachi is rather drunk. `Feo pauses when she spots him, pondering thoughtfully. “Hmmm… I wonder if I should take advantage of him while he's drunk…?” Sasuke appears behind her, arms folded.

 

“You do know he's a mass murderer, right?” He points out.

 

“Oh! We can work around it!” `Feo says dismissively, waving her hand at him. Sasuke and Naruto (who has suddenly appeared) begin to drag `Feo away. “Noooooo!” She cries, trying to get away and reaching towards Itachi.

 

“One's a mass murderer and one's gay… what a family…”

 

**

 

[Some time later… I know, I know; deal with it]

 

“Kaja… this is Gaara.” `Feo introduces, noticing that Kaja is already hanging from the redhead's neck, and wonders about her current life insurance. Oddly enough, Gaara doesn't seem to mind. `Feo is sitting on Neji's lap, shaking her head at the none too rare spectacle of Kaja's very open flirtation.

 

“So…” `Feo asks, pointedly ignoring Gaara and Kaja's `situation', “when does this party liven up?” Neji looks at the sky and replies, “Now,” just as a loud `BANG' is heard, scaring everyone apart from him.

 

“Quick! Hide!” Gai shouted, clutching his face in horror, “I think our party has been rumbled!” Itachi pipes up, clutching a bottle of Sake possessively, “lets' gatecrash my old house!”

 

**

 

[At Sasuke's House]

 

“SPIN THE BOTTLE!” is heard from the wild throng of people squashed into the living room. Everybody rushes to sit in a circle; Kaja grabs the now empty Sake bottle from a crying Itachi.

 

“My turn first!” says Kiba, slyly eyeing Hinata. Though his face vaults as the bottle is seized by Kabuto, who was leaning a bit too close to Orochimaru for it to be considered `friendly'.

 

Sasuke frowns and puts his hand up, “I want to add my own rule to Kakashi-sensei's.” he eyes the group as if daring anyone to disagree, “no sibling or relative `interaction.'” A small muttering of agreement is heard from everyone bar Itachi who in turn shifts a bit closer to Sasuke.

 

Kabuto spins the bottle, a little too eagerly, frowning when it stops on…

 

Iruka…

 

Iruka blushes, “erm….” Kabuto however leans over and pounces on him, causing Iruka to give a high girlish screech. Everyone else gains an anime sweat drop, bar Kaja who topples over laughing.

 

“This game is too bothersome,” Shikamaru says getting up and leaving, Temari slyly following a few moments later. “I wonder where they are going?” Naruto asks innocently.

 

A few spins later, after Gaara had kissed Itachi, Sasuke and Choji were selected. Both Naruto and Ino looked rather murderous. Kaja however, was still laughing from the Kabuto moment and failed to notice… well pretty much everything.

 

`Feo taps Kaja on the shoulder and points at the bottle, “It's your turn,” Kaja stops immediately and grins wickedly around the group, causing a few people to shift awkwardly.

 

Soon, the inevitable happened; Sasuke and Naruto were chosen, leaning in very readily and remaining locked together for much longer than necessary. Sakura raised an eyebrow. “Look what Naruto is doing to poor Sasuke-kun!” She says, gaining a laugh from some people; mostly due to her ignorance of the real situation.

 

On Naruto's turn, he practically passed out from shock and disbelief when the bottle landed on Orochimaru, whose tongue curled around just outside his mouth in a snake-like gesture that made Naruto leap behind Sasuke. Kaja giggles; “That must be so useful!” She comments gleefully. Everyone except Kabuto winces at the thought.

 

Next came `Feo's turn, who looked about ready to cry when the bottle stopped on Shino. “Heh, heh… bug boy…” Naruto comments, making `Feo pale even more. “B-bugs?” She repeats, making a sound of distress when the people around her, grabbed her by the arms and dragged her towards him. He watched her impassively, not seeming in the slightest insulted by her blatant look of horror. “Bugs!” `Feo exclaims, spitting some out. “Why bugs?”

 

**

 

[At some point in the morning… everyone's too drunk to read the clock]

 

“So… Where are we going to sleep?” `Feo asks, glancing at Kaja, who shrugs but doesn't protest in the slightest when she's `poofed away' by Kakashi.

 

`Feo, torn from her comrade, slinks over to Naruto and Sasuke. “Can I stay with you? Please?” Naruto glances at Sasuke, who narrows his eyes. “No.” `Feo puts on puppy dog eyes. “Please?” … “Uh no.”

 

TBC