Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ The Travesty of Naruto ❯ Chapter 3

Travesty of Naruto!!

 

Title: The Travesty of Naruto
Author: kajamiku and balafeo
Fandom: Naruto
Rating: Um... I'll get back to you XDD
Warnings: yaoi and yuri pairings, possible death from laughter
Summary: A completely mad self-insert that is supposed to be a humorous as possible. We make fun of practically everyone (even ourselves XD), and pair up whoever we feel like. There are also two MPREGs eventually too ^^ Keep in mind that we're planning to change the first chapter, so it might well be re-posted later. Enjoy!

 

 

 

[Early Morning, Outside Naruto's Apartment… like, scary early…]

 

“Oi, `Feo!” Kaja placed her hands on her hips, staring up at the girl who was peering through an open window. “Stop perving on those boys, I'm sure they're getting tired of it by now.” Neji, who was perched beside `Feo seemed slightly more embarrassed at being caught, and wouldn't look at Kaja and Orochimaru, who were standing below.

 

“Eh? I didn't even notice you were here…” Naruto poked his head out, frowning in confusion. “Oi Sasuke bastard, did you know they were here?”

 

Orochimaru's eye twitched slightly, and Kaja found herself standing alone suddenly, surrounded by a small cloud of dispersing dust. She sighed, folding her arms when she saw the snake sannin's ass hanging out of the open window, a hand pressed roughly against his face to stop him from entering the bedroom.

 

`Feo gave a snort of annoyance at her view being blocked. “What is it with your fixation with young boys? Damn you, you fat arsed gay pervert!”

 

Orochimaru spared `Feo a glance, looking slightly indignant. “I'm not gay. I just find myself attracted to young boys… and Kaja.”

 

Once the general perving session had come to a natural conclusion (Orochimaru being beaten from all sides), Kaja announced the Hokage's request to converse with them.

 

In the Hokage's office, Tsunade laced her fingers allowing her gaze to sweep over the assembled ninjas. “Your mission is a reasonably simple escorting task. You will be travelling to the Hidden Sand Village to retrieve your client, and bring him here. I decided this would be a good start out mission for `Feo and Kaja, but since they are inexperienced, I thought that extra team members would probably be a wise decision. Oh, and any problems I'll be blaming on Naruto.”

 

“Ehhhh!” Naruto jumped forward, quickly restrained by Sasuke and Lee as he fought to get to the Hokage's desk. Tsunade smirked lightly. A sudden distracting `poof' sound announced Kakashi's trademark late arrival. Kaja immediately latched onto him, and `Feo made a small sound of irritation.

 

“I really wish you'd stop `poofing' everywhere…” She grumbled, carefully dislodging herself from Neji's arms, where she had leapt to in her surprise.

 

“Yo, sorry I'm late; I had a momentary bout of amnesia and believed myself to be the princess of snow country. It took me a while to find my bearings.” No one bothered to comment.

 

Tsunade loudly cleared her throat. “I expect a perfect execution of this mission. Especially from such a large capable team.” She sent a stern look around the nins and then made a gesture of dismissal with one hand.

 

“Ninjas of the night, deny these evil beasts their tomorrows.”

 

“…We have to stop her from drinking sake in the afternoon.”

 

**

 

[Now in the Hidden Sand Village… no hitches so far]

 

“I've got sand in places I'd rather sand not be!” Naruto complained loudly, but no one paid him any heed since he had been grumbling in a similar fashion for the last few hours. Everyone was about ready to inflict grievous amounts of bodily harm to the blonde ninja, when a small body collided with him, knocking him flat and basically doing the job for them.

 

Lee offered Naruto a hand up, but Naruto was already on his feet screaming insults and shaking his fist at the small boy, who was standing in front of him looking defiant.

 

“Karo-sama, when you bump into someone you should apologise,” said a small, and when I say small I mean tiny, woman who approached the group.

 

The boy narrowed his eyes at Naruto. “Why should I apologise to them? They are obviously idiot gennin with no talent… I mean look at the way they are dressed… eww!”

 

Everyone launched themselves at once, trying to dismember the little shit, but Kaja got there first. However, before she reached his neck `Feo jumped in front of him forcing Kaja to come to a halt.

 

“Kaja, leave him alone, he's what, all of seven? You'd just be a child abuser.” Kaja grumbled a bit but conceded. The others all looked a little crest fallen.

 

Then `Feo made a small squeak of surprise as two arms wrapped around her waist, “erm… you're welcome.”

 

Karo, his arms still wrapped around `Feo while completely ignoring the looks of the other Konoha nins muttered, just loud enough for them all to hear, “you're my woman now! I'm going to marry you!”

 

 

**

 

“WHAT! He's the one we have to escort back to Konoha! But the kid's a brat!” Naruto ranted, pacing back and forth seemingly unable to stay still.

 

“Usuratonkachi, sit down, you're giving me a headache… so who is this kid?” Sasuke said, getting straight to the point.

 

“Master Karo is the Kazekage's nephew.” Lee gave a startled yelp, “Temari and Shikamaru have a child together?”

 

“No you fuzzy eye browed whelp, it's master Kankuro's love child!”

 

Everyone began to exchange equally traumatized looks, trying to not to imagine how the child had come to be. At that moment Karo re-entered the room, half-dragging a bemused-looking `Feo along with him.

 

“Are you bad-mouthing my dad?” He demanded, glaring around the circle of nins. Kaja made a movement as if she were going to jump on/kill the brat, but decided against it when the tiny woman assumed an expression so terrifying that everyone shifted uncomfortably in their seats, attempting not to look at her or Karo. “Hurry up and get whatever rest you weaklings need; I want to get going by morning.” He turned to `Feo again, his expression instantly changing. “Come on, you're staying in my room.” Karo decided, dragging `Feo's shocked-unresponsive body through the door.

 

There was a moment of silence, in which no one knew quite what to say. Then…

 

“Hey Neji, you okay? Your eye hasn't stopped twitching since that Karo brat latched onto your girlfriend.” The glare Kaja received was enough to make her scream and run behind Kakashi.

 

**

 

[Yup, we're skipping to the next morning… because we can]

 

“Hurry up and stop lagging behind!” Karo demanded, striding up front, still attached to `Feo. Everyone besides Mieka (the tiny woman) was walking as far away from the odd couple as possible, all watching the brat wearily and hoping `Feo would have enough self-control not to commit suicide before the journey was over.

 

Everyone sighed a breath of relief when the gates of Konoha became visible, and Karo ran on ahead (taking `Feo with him) to meet Kankuro, who was standing outside ready to greet them. Gaara was standing beside him, not seeming fazed at the way Karo launched himself at his father… and then at him.

 

“…No wonder that kid's twisted.” Kaja commented, receiving mumblings of agreement from the others.

 

Karo proudly presented `Feo for his father's inspection, much to Neji's annoyance. “This is my fiancée!” Neji promptly fainted, awkwardly caught by Kaja, who swayed back and forth for a moment, seeming a little annoyed at having the nin practically knock her over. She managed to balance Neji's unconscious form for a moment with one arm, in order to shake her other fist in Karo's direction.

 

Naruto, enraged by Karo's actions, leapt forward spitting insults and yelling abuse… until the brat stalked up and kicked him in the shin. Naruto yowled in pain, while everyone else shook their heads in exasperation. However, Karo seemed to take the next flurry of foul language as some sort of insult against his `ninja pride', since he immediately let loose with something that shocked everyone.

 

“Usuratonkachi! I challenge you to a sparring match!” Sasuke wobbled in the background muttering insulting things about the unpleasant child under his breath. Then, aloud, he yelled, “get him Naruto! No one calls you that but me!”

 

“But… he's just a little kid…” `Feo cried, her expression rather tragic.

 

“SHUT UP `FEO!” Everyone roared in her direction, now including Neji.

 

Naruto accepted the challenge with gusto, well used to fighting by now. “Alright then! But I warn you, I'm used to fighting real ninjas!”

 

**

 

Everyone was soon assembled at one of the training areas, surrounding Naruto and Karo, who were sending glares and `intimidating' gestures at each other. `Feo, much to her obvious distress and confusion, was standing with the sand nins on Karo's side, with Gaara on one side of her and Kankuro on the other.

 

On the other side of the field, the Konoha ninjas were huddled in a group, plotting ways to rescue `Feo from her current predicament.

 

“NO, I utterly refuse! Gai-sensei would be so disappointed in me!” Lee exclaimed, waving his arms as if he were trying to ward off the suggestions the others had made.

 

“Oh, come on! You want to help us save `Feo, right? So go over there and do your part.” It took a little `encouragement' and pushing and shoving to force Lee into action. Eventually, however, Lee turned and stomped his way across the training field and stopped directly in front of Gaara, a slight blush on his cheeks…

 

“Dear god! What's he doing?” Neji slapped a hand across his eyes in horror, before realising that his Byakugan still allowed him to see the horrendous sight.

 

“I think… I think he's trying to dance…” Kaja said thoughtfully, tilting her head to the side in contemplation. Everyone else mimicked her, all trying to work out what the strange gestures and movements were supposed to be.

 

Over on the other side of the grounds, `Feo was crying, Kankuro looked vaguely ill, and Gaara seemed completely unaffected. Upon seeing that the tactic he was using was working on everyone but the person he wanted, Lee decided to revert to plan B.

 

“What's he doing now?” Sasuke said with a sigh. Kaja squinted slightly. “…I think he's…” She stopped, and then gained a very wide grin. “Oh.” She started laughing into her hands, while everyone else watched on bemusedly. Neji however, could still see what was happening and promptly fainted… again. Kaja, once again, managed to catch him and, scowling, glared at Sasuke and pointed at `Feo, soundlessly giving her orders. Surprisingly, Sasuke obeyed without saying anything, grabbing `Feo and dragging her directly through the middle of the training field, with no subtlety at all, and straight back to the group.

 

In the midst of Kaja slapping Neji and everyone welcoming `Feo back into the fold, there were some very loud and suspicious noises coming from the bushes that Lee and Gaara had disappeared into…

 

Kaja shook her head at the questioning looks she was receiving. “Best not to ask.”

 

Amidst the chaos of their audience, Naruto and Karo were ready to fight and were still glaring at each other. A sudden `poof' announced the arrival of Genma, who removed the long toothpick from his mouth, flicked it into the air and caught it on his bottom lip, catching the attentions of the surrounding people at the same time.

 

“Um, why are you here?” Naruto whined, pouting at his sudden appearance. “Hey, this is my job, you know.” He sighed, moving to stand between the two. He cleared his throat. “Okay, this match is between Uzumaki Naruto and Sabaku no Karo.” He made a gesture and stepped back. “Begin.”

 

Naruto waved over to his friends grinning, “this will be over in no time!” He shouted. However, Karo had taken the moment where Naruto was distracted to pull his chosen weapon from its holster and launch an attack at his unsuspecting opponent.

 

“Damn it! You little brat, I'll kill you!” Naruto raged while holding his now bloody nose and chasing Karo around the arena. Karo on the other hand just jumped over to his dad, “I want to go back now, this is boring! Besides I practically won already.” Kankuro nodded to his son and both chose to ignore the random insults being thrown their way by the angry blonde nin, who was having to be restrained by Kakashi and Sasuke.

 

Karo stopped and span around suddenly, facing `Feo, as he shouted above `Naruto noise', “I'll see you later my love, I'll be over to visit you soon, okay? So we can be alone!” Neji wrapped his arms around `Feo protectively, sending evil's in the little shit's direction and trying to quell `Feo's nervous shaking.

 

Naruto looked as if he were about to commit mass homicide. Kakashi sighed deeply, still holding the blonde's arm. “You're awfully energetic for someone who just had his nose broken.” Sasuke gave a derisive snort. “I'd be pissed off too, if I'd just been thrashed by a brat with a yoyo.”

 

**

 

[Two hours and four stitches later…]

 

Karo had reappeared, re-assuming his place at `Feo's side, and clinging rather obtrusively to her arm. Some distance away from them, everyone was having a `quiet' discussion. “So… do you think we can get rid of him if we ditch `Feo?” Tenten suggested, putting everyone into deep thought for a moment. “Probably not. `Feo would kill me… and everyone else for good measure.” Kaja responded, making the group give a mutual sigh.

 

“He's worse than my old fangirls.” Sasuke commented dryly. “HEY!” Ino and Sakura stood up, looking indignant.

 

“Look, there's Orochimaru.” Kaja leapt to her feet and ran in his direction, ignoring everyone else's wince of revulsion. Orochimaru was followed by Kabuto and Itachi, who glomped Sasuke as soon as he was in range.

 

Karo soon noticed the new arrivals and approached them, seeming to size them up. After a few moments, Kabuto became annoyed and flicked him away. Completely enraged, Karo darted in and kicked Kabuto hard in the shin. Bouncing around on one leg and making slight sounds of pain, the medical nin jumped behind Orochimaru and burst into tears. “Orochimaru!” He cried, “Rape it! Rape it now!” The snake sennin considered for a moment, and then patted Kabuto on the head lightly. “Okay.”

 

Everyone who was watching started to cheer and applaud, except `Feo who, yet again, leapt in front of Karo to protect him. There was a universal sound of disappointment. “You ruined my fun!” Orochimaru complained, stalking away and taking Kabuto with him.

 

**

 

[The following day… I don't have anything else to say to you]

 

“Thank god the little shit's going home!” Naruto commented, watching with the rest of the group as Karo, his father and aunt left through the gates of Konoha. They jeered at the small group of Chuunins leading them; glad they had all flat out refused to take them back themselves.

 

“…Hey, why isn't Gaara going with them?” `Feo asked, noticing the Kazekage's absence. Kaja smirked as Kakashi replied, “he's extended his visit. He claimed he needed more time to acquaint himself with the village.” He and Kaja exchanged knowing looks.

 

“Um… has anyone seen Lee lately?”

 

TBC